Title
The Pioneer Log: Lewis & Clark College’s Student-Run Newspaper
Description
Volume 69, Issue 420
Subject
Lewis & Clark College Student Newspaper
Creator
Pioneer Log Staff
Date
2014-04-04
Rights
For questions about rights statements, or access to the original document please contact Lewis & Clark College Special Collections and Archives http://specialcollections.lclark.edu
Full Text
QJ
Volum6e9 ,I ssu4e2 0
FridaAyp, r4il, Yeaorf O uLr ord2e0 14
www.mossylog.com
Bon Appetit introduces new veggie patty that takes less than 25 minutes to grill; Trail Room debut on Monday. >> NEWS PG.2
Hitting the Wonderwall: Acoustic jam After roommate issues challenge, Copeland resident inspires new head
bands with white-male singers banned student consumes only Dovecote to-toe sweatsu it trend.
on campus. What will fill the void? coffee for five days straight. Results • >>SPORTS PG. 10
>> ARTS PG. 7 are dire(rhea).
>> FEATURESP G. 5
N EWZSZ
?,oa3
THE MOSSY LOG APRIL 4, 2014
STAFF Admissions brochure overrepresents sun
Editor-in-Chief
PUBCOM RESPONDS TO ACC_USATIONS OF CONSPIRACY, PROSPIE MANIPULATION
Boss Ass Bitch
ManagingE ditor BY CALEDD OUBLE-DEAL
Caled Double-Deal INVESTIGATIVE(??)R EPORTER
EDITORIAL
Newzsz De pite pressure &om
Calvin & Hobbes tudent dem n tration , letter
and analytic report fr m local
Opinion
'That's just like. ..y our opinion. ..m an." weathermen, the Public ffair
and Communicarions and
Style Source
Admissions office continue to
A snake, Mann Stanley
deny that their news stori and
Featurez brochure verrcpre ent sun.
' Betty, Gerry Harp
"~ c can neither confirm nor
Star deny the overwhelming presence
Anirtak Faats, Local BB of sun in ur admissi ns
brochures," said Bill ance
Sportz ,
Lauren Ache, Mia Hamm director of J\dmi ion .
The current admissions
Frontdoor
brochure contain 53 photo
Far Lane Mac Drake
of sun for every O phot s of
IllustrationE ditor rain and every -1.73 depicrion
Kelsey Blue
f hail. The brochure sho~ s
Photo Editor no umbrella , and only one rain
Yacel jacket.
lark Hope, dir ctor f
SocialM edia and Web Manager
photography for public affair
Tyler "Tyler Wayne/Ty" Wayne Pat- Annie Broadsword- mith ('16) contemplates the futility of her liberal arts degree as it rains, like usual, on campus.
and communicarions, said that
COPY CHIEF Pub om tries t balance its middl -clas families from the
Emma Hoch-Typo-Catcher-Schneider
representation of wea~er by bay area will be able to picture
CONTRIBUTORS depicring students in a vati ry themselves as a part of the
Staff Writers of setting -under partly cloudy Lewis & lark communiry.
Water Melling
ki cumulonimbu clouds, blue He added chat Pub om hires
COVERA RT k:ie pale blue lcie and azure ph tographer full-time for all
Boss Ass Bitch kie •. He said that the number of three m nths during the summer.
photo of sun might not line up Jeff , noozy, direct r
OPERATIONS percentage-wise with the number of marketing, threw up his
BusinessM anager of unny day experienced during hand . "] t's impos ible co not
Jay-Z the academic year, but, y u knO\ , verr pre cnt sun " he said.
cl e enough. " ob dy from alifornia wants
FACULTYA DVISOR " ome people say we how co surf in di.is shit" he added,
Mol'
too much sun," he aid. " ther poinring to the Aood of Biblical
STAFFA DVISOR people tell us there's n t en ugh prop rtions threatening co batter
J n Feiner un th r t h ·Ip th m hu th o~ n hi ffi d r.
very thought f rain out of their dmis i n
mind for ver." to comment on the dcpicrion f
Hope hope that upper- miles in picrure f finals week.
Bagel thief toasted
To order a subscription of the
newspaper, please send a BY BETTY Thankfully no cream cheese ~ as
spread. •
blank, signed check to Dubach CARD SWIPER
.A few tudcnt organizations
To place an advertisement, Last londay Gabriel John have tried co demand informarion
please email: was seized by ampus afery from ampus afery about
cas-students@lclark.edu. in the Bon, and is currently the event, but thus far, all have
being detained in an undisclo ed failed. The officer as well a
The Mossy Log is a work location. John (16) entered the the administration both contend
of humor and fiction. Any B n at nine in the morning for his rhar John i safe, but refuse to
resemblance to real people or fir t meal back from pring Break. peak b yond that. J\ddirionally,
places is purely coincidental. To cager to wait in any tedious the tudcnt body ha remained
li.n s, he snuck pa t the brcakfa t largely apatheric ab ut the event,
fruit-fiend and made his way to some tudents going as far as
the to~ ters. However, in tcad of to say that John, "G t what he
ifting through any f the bagged de erved." nna teer Cl4 ) i
br ads,John immediately eized one such student, and has lost h r
an already-toasted bagel-an share of bagels. he describes the
e11e1ythinbga gel-and rurned to event as a, "tragedy" and adds,
make hi escape. It was at th.is "T hate people who steal from the
toaster." When a ked co expand
p int tI:iath e wa tazctj by a
ma ked Campu afery officer, on this assertion, he said simply,
and wifely taken out of the Bon. "They're n t well-bread."
our relationship.
• •
TO: MAH BOO ju t warned 2 say that i think we
FROM: 8-GLAS Y need 2 take a break for a while or
maybe forever. rry to do this
hey b o i no things haven't ver a txt. hope u agree?
been workin out t o well and i -b.
Recall article: please disregard above article
cE
BY B-GLASSY published fr m my cell phone
O.G. OF L& draft box last night at 12:41 a.m.
Dear Reader , Thank y u -
Please disregard the above
arriclc that was accidentally B-Glassy
OPINION3,o79
APRIL 4, 2014 • THE MOSSY LOG
Editorial
Pioneer Logging Co. ready to axe the competition
By Bo A$$ Bitch and Caled Double-Deal
Editor-ln-Quee.f. and Managing Editor
Listen up unions, fuel our log-cutters. Did
awmills and venture somebody yell timber?
competition hopefuls: Your firm is going down.
the Pioneer Logging The worst part for you
Company, Limited Liability is, when your operation
and lncorporation,has falls flat in the forest,
updated its operations and nobody will be around
readied itself to compete to hear it. We control the
in the global marketplace. lumber and the news.
We're expanding on our We've taken several
newspaper business, steps to prepare
and like good journalists, ourselves to axe the
we're going back to the competition. Our staff
ource, the source of has loaded up on
paper-trees. Entrepreneurship and
The Pioneer Logging Innovation classes,
Co., LLC can churn out and attended the
more trees than any Entrepreneurship Center's
other business. We know fireside chats, where we
that global warming and tested out a few of our
deforestation are myths logs. If you're planning to
disseminated by the enter the global lumber
liberal elite. We sponsor an trade, prepare to get
invest coal campaign to burned.
WhiCh w(h i tC/Ch?
Ever have a difficult time
deciphering a witch from a
sandwich from a which?
By Tyler "Tyler Wayne "Wayne Pat
I tweet.
For those of you without
room in'your schedule for an
English class, thi te t can
serve as practice .
....
0
..c:
.B
~
Image 1
Which: A) Witch or B) Sandwich?
Photo tOl,jncsy or Matthew uzum via ftickr
Image 2
Which: A) Witch or B) Sandwich?
Illu tration b Maria Es ada
Photo councsY or thisrcidwrites via n,ckr
Image 5
Which: A) Witch or B) Sandwitch?
FEATUREZ
4 THEMOSSYLOG APRIL 4, 2014
SHOWU· P FORT HE
1O-YEASRY MPOSIUM,
STAFFORTDH ES TUFF
BY NOTSNARC liam tafford". cudencs will imagery, and with swnmer ap
DAFT WRITER experiment with drawing differ proaching, coordinators feel it
ent individual part , a well as full would be best tO pu h the event
Lewi and Clark has ju t an b dy portraits, of tafford in or till the fall. 1aria Taro, one of
nounced its plan to prolong its der to demon ·crate themes from the leading coordinarors for the
coverage of \1 illiam taf~ rd's lfa poetry. Additionally, Pamplin symposium, explains that the
entcnniaJ celebration, b ast- hopes tO introduce tafford's reci tafford ymposium requires at
ing a goal f ten more year of tation audio into several of their least ix continu us hours of
further recognition. The school PE clas cs. Athletic faculty h p sixty-three degree weather, as well
promi es to expand its biographic that this will entice rodents to as a humidity level below 45%.
exhibits in \1 atzek and Wler, exp! re sports, a well as literally Additionally, Taro explains that a
and additi nally hope to unveil a exercise their pa sions. large amount of solar and lunar
lifcsize wax model of tafford in nforcunately, despite the e research is still nece ary before
the center of Howard. recent progressions, the actual anyone can kn w whether the
However, it do sn't top ther . tafford Symposium has been event is possible. evenheless,
The Art Department recently postponed again to late ovem Taro beams at the possibility of
proposed to include a new Topic ber. This week' inclement breeze the symposium's success, ~hirping
Drawing course in their spring host too large of a threat to excitedly, "Where there' a will
catalogue, labeled simply, "Wil- the erosive ability of tafford's the~e's a way."
Student demands
extra semester of
residency!
YNOTSNARC Wilson denies any deficit. Instead,
STAFFF LIGHTER he says he oft.en feels he needs
the struetu.red community offered
Jackson Wilson (14) will by living on campus. Wilson
....,_..,..._ he ha an es:celtent
o interest in leaving Lewis & relationshipw ith his RA, who be
Clark behind. The current senior explains". wakes me up when my
s occupied the same quad in dreamsm akem e scream". Ad
Copeland for four years straight ditionally,D ~As provide Wilson
cause, as he puts it, "I'll die if with the opportunity to share his
11le ave". cigarettes,w hich he says he bates BY GERRYH @RP
Wilson takes pride in to smoke. Dangerously allergic to FEATURESE DITOR •
• eight semesrers of Bon Ap- tobacco, Wtlson defends his habit Statues of LC spotlights underrepressented statues through weekly portraits and silent interviews.
tit meal plans, boasting that he by asserting thath e has to smoke
eats three meals a day Mon- in order to, "feel my throat."
aay through Friday; and never Campus living is yet to
misses brunch. Despite LC's large respond to Wilson's request, but
egan and vegetarian popula he has littlef eart hat it will be
tions, Wtlson claims to eat solely denied. The soon to be alumnus
eat. When asked about his diet, contends thath is four previous
i\Vtlson replied, "I only eat in yea.tS of ownership over the quad
e Bon because I heard you are should be enough to justify his
what you eat. I think I'm only hold on the room. Lewis and
bones." Clarks hould be proud of this
Other seniors may think that display of student satisfaction, as
e is giving up some of the perks well as what \Vt.Isonc alls a, "com
of being an upperclassman, but rnitttnent."
FAVORITVEE GGIE(.. . ) WHATW OULD YOU RATHERB ED OING RIGHTN OW? (. .. )
MOSTM OVINGT HING WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT
YOU'VEE VERS EEN: THE STUDENTS HERE:
( .. ) . ( ... )
DREAMV AYCAY: WEEKEND CHILL SPOT:
... ...
( ) ( )
EMBARASSINGM OMENT: DAILY BEAUTY TIPS:
( .. ) . ( ... ) FAVORITE FAM MEMBER:.(.. ) WHAT MAKES YOU CRY: ( ... ) HOT DATE TIPS:( ... )
STARS
• APRIL 4, 2014 THE MOSSY LOG 507
cover reps to our gigs t roug
LOCAL BACKWARDSO RATOR tatu . keep oun of the pa t year, and apparently -
hen KLC Radio hosted it "I wa in the middle of check still having to pay student loan they're ou ting Beach Hou e tual demands, all members have
annual Acid Rain event in tamm ing a bunch of student IDs when bill . from their roster to make room officially withdrawn from the
last night, Lewis & lark students a group of creepy old people Following the sh w, a flannel for us." college.
were not the only VIP in atten slipped by me," said cid Rain clad stranger eagerly approached fter conferring for less than "Lewis & Clark was es entially
dance. Executives of ub Pop bouncer Anirtak Faats. "1 tried Goddamn Band frontrnan Kcin a minute, the band members the birthplace of grunge, so it's
the famed Seattle it)die label best telling them to leave, but they Letnemip with an unexpected unanimously agreed to ign. A no surpri e that we keep mak-
known for signing irvana-were kept getting in my face and sing request. "He wanted u all to com tour of the U. . will kick off ing great discoveries here," said
present and incognito. Di gui ed ing 'Bitch, Don't Kill My Vibe."' mit then and there to a 10-year at the Moda Center later this up Pop executive Kirk Cobayne.
as thirty-something alumni who Event security officers were also contract," Letnemip explained. month, in support of their debut "The Goddamn Band are basi
never left palatine hill, the execs caught off guard by the motley " ub Pop has been ending under- LP. The Goddamn Album is cally Soundgarden, reincarnated."
THE EVER-DIVERSCE ITY OF PORTLAND RECENTLY
NAMED 'WORLD'S BESTC ITY FOR RAP .FANS'
BY LOCALB B,Y 'ALL
CONNOISSEURO F ALL SORTS
super cool things to do." dude I was totally wrong," said
Often regarded as an eclectic Other places that were in the junior student and rap enth'usiast
paradise full of incredible hangout running for the title included cities Michelle Gonzalez ('15). "Cop
spots for people who love "cul such as Los Angeles, CA, Hous literally show up at every rap and
ture" and the idea of "diver icy," ton, TX, and Chicago, IL and hip bop event in town. The extra
P rtland has become well-known literally every other in the United ecurity and over-the-top vigilance
around the world for the astound tare , but Portland took the on a crowd that just wants to have
ing number of museums, music title by surpri e for the first time fun let me know that they're very
venue , re taurants and overall in history this past week. Many supportive."
ambience the city has to offer. believed that recent trailblazer ln order to celebrate and com
As a result, Portland was recentl and pioneer of rap, Macl<lemore, memt>rate Portland's new title,
named the 'World' Best City for wa going to put eattle at the Campus ctivities Board decided
Rap Fans" by the highly-esteemed forefront of the list. PI gave to bring the legendary rapper Ja -
music publication, PI Maga the title to the city with the most Z to the gnes Flanagan hap I
zine. vote in categorie uch a 'mo t chi upcoming Fall.
"I'm bone tly very proud f rap venue ,' 'm t upp rtive "I can't wait for Mr. Z!" aid
our city," aid Lewi & Clark tu community for the art of rap,' student Peter R bert on ('17)
dent Hannah mith ('16). "Port and 'overall crowd enthu ia m for ' e're already planning to get
land literally boast like such a vast touring rap artists.' this up-and-coming performer a
amount of cool places for people "Before I moved here from fruit basket with some of the best
to go to, you know? I'm happy u tin, TX, I was concerned that Lewis & Clark gear. I eriou ly
that we get to add s mething a there wasn't going to be much of can't wait to hear 'Beyonce' hu -
cool a this to our Ii t of already a rap cene here in Portland and band live.''
NICKLEBACKP· ROVEST HEY
AREN'T "FARA WAY" WITH
NEW RELEASE
BY GERRYH @RP
NOT AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR
icl<leback,s weethearts of the bal reverberation lacking in previ
pacific northwe t, are back with ous albums. " ax and Violins"
tl1eir eightl1 album, "Time for a begins with the ambient sounds
hange," a un-dappled effort of small babies being ticl<led-a
released right in time for Port the guitar swells, lead singer Chad
land's warmer weather. ''Time for Kroeger' voice, which has gained
a Change," a thirteen track album depth and maturity over a decade
including covers of eutral Nlilk of performing, launches into an
Hotel's "King of arrot Flower " aggre ive growl, shouting "I
parts 2-3 as well as a 45 minute am not a rockstar! I AM T
tribute to u~an tevens, i the R CKST RI I AM RRY,'
kind of album that a ks you to sit until the music ends abruptly.
down, grab an iced americano, and "Time for a hange," a ur
stay for a while. pri ingly lo-fi and welcomingly
Jn what mi ht be their la t smooth change for icl<leback,
effort as a band, icl<lebackc m marks almost 20 years of activity
mand immediate attention with for the band. With this relea e,
tl1e rich single, " ax and Violin ." it's clear that they aren't d ne
Indeed, this single i a departure yet-I icl<lebackc ontinues to be
from the band repertoire, how a pillar of ingenuity and energy to
ing an emotional maturity and .;er- contemporary music listeners.
STYLES OURCE
6,000,984 THE MOSSY LOG APRIL 4, 2014 •
photo courtesy of the internet
•
SPORTZ
APRIL 4, 2014 THE MOSSY LOG 7,989,000,092
LC Seagull to ·replace
newloundland as
1nascot
BY ELLO L. eagull was spotted
SPORTZ EDITOR at a baseball game, and
The L eagull ha done many fan b lieve chat he
it again but thi rime he has br ught g d luck becau e L
taken o er. At lase week's won en~g their losing creak.
I
baseball game L ' famous ince then, L ' athlecic
./
r ewfoundland Pio got ejected community rallied t gether to
from the game by one f the induct the LC eagull as LC's
umpire becau e h \ uld not fficial new mascot. "I think
----
scop barking. the Pio d g the L eagull perfectly r pr -
was being e coned out of Hu - enr LC, he' witty and free
con 'p res Complex, the L pirit cl," aid Andi G. ('14).
eagull wooped in and t k a In addition to chillin outside
eat in th bleae::hr . fan of of the Bon catch the LC
the baseball fan were intrigued eagull at all f L 's upcom
by the eagull's pre ence and ing porting event and follow
enjoyed the fact that hew uld him <;>Tn witter le eagull. "I
gawk every rime L would rerweet him on th daily #gec
gee a hit or score a run. This cin ome," said Lot ho f15).
wa the fir t time that the L
ILLUT RATIO BYB OSSA SSB IT H
Club Soccer draws
record breaking
crowd of four
attendees
BY WATERM ELLING get into the game giving ur
TAFFW RITER guys backup. ure it ended in a
ell, it' happened. After sc reles tie, but it wa fun se -
month of cl se calls, the Club ing them a they l oked at their
ccer team has 6nally broken martphone and co k picture
the attendance record for most of the tree .'
attendee at any p rcing event. Three of the four attendees
There were a total f £ ur did not s em to kn w tl1at th y
people in attendance. wer attending a occcr match,
The record wa et dur- but instead claimed to have
ing the game against Iadras wandered into me bleachers
College, one of the top-ranked after parcicipacing in the hot
club soccer team in the na- b xing f the tennis dome.
ci n. The previous attendance However, tl1e players were
record of three wa et at their not dismayed by this. "I can't
inter quad match la t week, wait for our next match " a s
and matched by a erie of club forward Mitchell Hodgs n
matche against tephen . ('15). ' e're c nfident mat we
Fisher niversiry over the past can draw thi kind f er wd
month. again, and who kn w h w far
"It was ju t wonderful" up me attendance will go if we
Captain/Club President Roger continue to play well? e could
Rl_.sl o ('16) said. "We all got even get over 10 rudents t g •
a kick out of it; it wa great. if we tart a win tr ak!"
Just seeing tho e £ ur pe pie
Upcomin9
-----
9ame,
QuidditchA, pril5 , 12pm
CompetitiveE ating,A pril6 , 2pm
Ping Pong,A pril7 , 4pm
BocciB all,A pril9 , 4:30pm
Croql!etA, pril 10, 11am
e
0 Or
Volume42,l ue
Friday, April 4
www.fronrdoor.l lark.edu
ALL THE NEWS THAT'S NOT FIT TO PRINT.
nonuvn, c!OA S3llinO) OlOHd
Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences, Tuajuanda Jordan, jumps ship after being named president of
St. Mary's College of Maryland. >> NEWZ PG. -1
Juniper hall being renovated this "Clarkies" sent to gulag after partying Mary Szybist one-ups William Stafford
summer."Rage-optimized," syas too hard at communist Reed College. after winning International Poetry
authorities. No sign of missing golf cart as of yet. Award. Syzbist Centennial Celebrations
>> ARTZ PG. 69 >> NEWZ PG. ABa are in the works.
>> FEATUREZP G. 100
The Rusty Nail on Craig's List, trying to Campus security prepares for the worst LC Clubs compete in rugby competition
find place to store their shit after Co-Op after botched shoe-investiga~ion leads over remaining SOC budget dollars.
shutdown. to student-created complaint forms. >> SPORTSP G. $12
>> NEWZ PG. 4 >> NEWS PG. 2
PHOTOCS OURTESOYF L EWIS& CLARKC OLLEGEL,A CEYJ ACOBYIV, ANB ANDURAAN DW IKIMEDICAO MMONS.
Volum6e9 ,I ssu4e2 0
FridaAyp, r4il, Yeaorf O uLr ord2e0 14
www.mossylog.com
Bon Appetit introduces new veggie patty that takes less than 25 minutes to grill; Trail Room debut on Monday. >> NEWS PG.2
Hitting the Wonderwall: Acoustic jam After roommate issues challenge, Copeland resident inspires new head
bands with white-male singers banned student consumes only Dovecote to-toe sweatsu it trend.
on campus. What will fill the void? coffee for five days straight. Results • >>SPORTS PG. 10
>> ARTS PG. 7 are dire(rhea).
>> FEATURESP G. 5
N EWZSZ
?,oa3
THE MOSSY LOG APRIL 4, 2014
STAFF Admissions brochure overrepresents sun
Editor-in-Chief
PUBCOM RESPONDS TO ACC_USATIONS OF CONSPIRACY, PROSPIE MANIPULATION
Boss Ass Bitch
ManagingE ditor BY CALEDD OUBLE-DEAL
Caled Double-Deal INVESTIGATIVE(??)R EPORTER
EDITORIAL
Newzsz De pite pressure &om
Calvin & Hobbes tudent dem n tration , letter
and analytic report fr m local
Opinion
'That's just like. ..y our opinion. ..m an." weathermen, the Public ffair
and Communicarions and
Style Source
Admissions office continue to
A snake, Mann Stanley
deny that their news stori and
Featurez brochure verrcpre ent sun.
' Betty, Gerry Harp
"~ c can neither confirm nor
Star deny the overwhelming presence
Anirtak Faats, Local BB of sun in ur admissi ns
brochures," said Bill ance
Sportz ,
Lauren Ache, Mia Hamm director of J\dmi ion .
The current admissions
Frontdoor
brochure contain 53 photo
Far Lane Mac Drake
of sun for every O phot s of
IllustrationE ditor rain and every -1.73 depicrion
Kelsey Blue
f hail. The brochure sho~ s
Photo Editor no umbrella , and only one rain
Yacel jacket.
lark Hope, dir ctor f
SocialM edia and Web Manager
photography for public affair
Tyler "Tyler Wayne/Ty" Wayne Pat- Annie Broadsword- mith ('16) contemplates the futility of her liberal arts degree as it rains, like usual, on campus.
and communicarions, said that
COPY CHIEF Pub om tries t balance its middl -clas families from the
Emma Hoch-Typo-Catcher-Schneider
representation of wea~er by bay area will be able to picture
CONTRIBUTORS depicring students in a vati ry themselves as a part of the
Staff Writers of setting -under partly cloudy Lewis & lark communiry.
Water Melling
ki cumulonimbu clouds, blue He added chat Pub om hires
COVERA RT k:ie pale blue lcie and azure ph tographer full-time for all
Boss Ass Bitch kie •. He said that the number of three m nths during the summer.
photo of sun might not line up Jeff , noozy, direct r
OPERATIONS percentage-wise with the number of marketing, threw up his
BusinessM anager of unny day experienced during hand . "] t's impos ible co not
Jay-Z the academic year, but, y u knO\ , verr pre cnt sun " he said.
cl e enough. " ob dy from alifornia wants
FACULTYA DVISOR " ome people say we how co surf in di.is shit" he added,
Mol'
too much sun," he aid. " ther poinring to the Aood of Biblical
STAFFA DVISOR people tell us there's n t en ugh prop rtions threatening co batter
J n Feiner un th r t h ·Ip th m hu th o~ n hi ffi d r.
very thought f rain out of their dmis i n
mind for ver." to comment on the dcpicrion f
Hope hope that upper- miles in picrure f finals week.
Bagel thief toasted
To order a subscription of the
newspaper, please send a BY BETTY Thankfully no cream cheese ~ as
spread. •
blank, signed check to Dubach CARD SWIPER
.A few tudcnt organizations
To place an advertisement, Last londay Gabriel John have tried co demand informarion
please email: was seized by ampus afery from ampus afery about
cas-students@lclark.edu. in the Bon, and is currently the event, but thus far, all have
being detained in an undisclo ed failed. The officer as well a
The Mossy Log is a work location. John (16) entered the the administration both contend
of humor and fiction. Any B n at nine in the morning for his rhar John i safe, but refuse to
resemblance to real people or fir t meal back from pring Break. peak b yond that. J\ddirionally,
places is purely coincidental. To cager to wait in any tedious the tudcnt body ha remained
li.n s, he snuck pa t the brcakfa t largely apatheric ab ut the event,
fruit-fiend and made his way to some tudents going as far as
the to~ ters. However, in tcad of to say that John, "G t what he
ifting through any f the bagged de erved." nna teer Cl4 ) i
br ads,John immediately eized one such student, and has lost h r
an already-toasted bagel-an share of bagels. he describes the
e11e1ythinbga gel-and rurned to event as a, "tragedy" and adds,
make hi escape. It was at th.is "T hate people who steal from the
toaster." When a ked co expand
p int tI:iath e wa tazctj by a
ma ked Campu afery officer, on this assertion, he said simply,
and wifely taken out of the Bon. "They're n t well-bread."
our relationship.
• •
TO: MAH BOO ju t warned 2 say that i think we
FROM: 8-GLAS Y need 2 take a break for a while or
maybe forever. rry to do this
hey b o i no things haven't ver a txt. hope u agree?
been workin out t o well and i -b.
Recall article: please disregard above article
cE
BY B-GLASSY published fr m my cell phone
O.G. OF L& draft box last night at 12:41 a.m.
Dear Reader , Thank y u -
Please disregard the above
arriclc that was accidentally B-Glassy
OPINION3,o79
APRIL 4, 2014 • THE MOSSY LOG
Editorial
Pioneer Logging Co. ready to axe the competition
By Bo A$$ Bitch and Caled Double-Deal
Editor-ln-Quee.f. and Managing Editor
Listen up unions, fuel our log-cutters. Did
awmills and venture somebody yell timber?
competition hopefuls: Your firm is going down.
the Pioneer Logging The worst part for you
Company, Limited Liability is, when your operation
and lncorporation,has falls flat in the forest,
updated its operations and nobody will be around
readied itself to compete to hear it. We control the
in the global marketplace. lumber and the news.
We're expanding on our We've taken several
newspaper business, steps to prepare
and like good journalists, ourselves to axe the
we're going back to the competition. Our staff
ource, the source of has loaded up on
paper-trees. Entrepreneurship and
The Pioneer Logging Innovation classes,
Co., LLC can churn out and attended the
more trees than any Entrepreneurship Center's
other business. We know fireside chats, where we
that global warming and tested out a few of our
deforestation are myths logs. If you're planning to
disseminated by the enter the global lumber
liberal elite. We sponsor an trade, prepare to get
invest coal campaign to burned.
WhiCh w(h i tC/Ch?
Ever have a difficult time
deciphering a witch from a
sandwich from a which?
By Tyler "Tyler Wayne "Wayne Pat
I tweet.
For those of you without
room in'your schedule for an
English class, thi te t can
serve as practice .
....
0
..c:
.B
~
Image 1
Which: A) Witch or B) Sandwich?
Photo tOl,jncsy or Matthew uzum via ftickr
Image 2
Which: A) Witch or B) Sandwich?
Illu tration b Maria Es ada
Photo councsY or thisrcidwrites via n,ckr
Image 5
Which: A) Witch or B) Sandwitch?
FEATUREZ
4 THEMOSSYLOG APRIL 4, 2014
SHOWU· P FORT HE
1O-YEASRY MPOSIUM,
STAFFORTDH ES TUFF
BY NOTSNARC liam tafford". cudencs will imagery, and with swnmer ap
DAFT WRITER experiment with drawing differ proaching, coordinators feel it
ent individual part , a well as full would be best tO pu h the event
Lewi and Clark has ju t an b dy portraits, of tafford in or till the fall. 1aria Taro, one of
nounced its plan to prolong its der to demon ·crate themes from the leading coordinarors for the
coverage of \1 illiam taf~ rd's lfa poetry. Additionally, Pamplin symposium, explains that the
entcnniaJ celebration, b ast- hopes tO introduce tafford's reci tafford ymposium requires at
ing a goal f ten more year of tation audio into several of their least ix continu us hours of
further recognition. The school PE clas cs. Athletic faculty h p sixty-three degree weather, as well
promi es to expand its biographic that this will entice rodents to as a humidity level below 45%.
exhibits in \1 atzek and Wler, exp! re sports, a well as literally Additionally, Taro explains that a
and additi nally hope to unveil a exercise their pa sions. large amount of solar and lunar
lifcsize wax model of tafford in nforcunately, despite the e research is still nece ary before
the center of Howard. recent progressions, the actual anyone can kn w whether the
However, it do sn't top ther . tafford Symposium has been event is possible. evenheless,
The Art Department recently postponed again to late ovem Taro beams at the possibility of
proposed to include a new Topic ber. This week' inclement breeze the symposium's success, ~hirping
Drawing course in their spring host too large of a threat to excitedly, "Where there' a will
catalogue, labeled simply, "Wil- the erosive ability of tafford's the~e's a way."
Student demands
extra semester of
residency!
YNOTSNARC Wilson denies any deficit. Instead,
STAFFF LIGHTER he says he oft.en feels he needs
the struetu.red community offered
Jackson Wilson (14) will by living on campus. Wilson
....,_..,..._ he ha an es:celtent
o interest in leaving Lewis & relationshipw ith his RA, who be
Clark behind. The current senior explains". wakes me up when my
s occupied the same quad in dreamsm akem e scream". Ad
Copeland for four years straight ditionally,D ~As provide Wilson
cause, as he puts it, "I'll die if with the opportunity to share his
11le ave". cigarettes,w hich he says he bates BY GERRYH @RP
Wilson takes pride in to smoke. Dangerously allergic to FEATURESE DITOR •
• eight semesrers of Bon Ap- tobacco, Wtlson defends his habit Statues of LC spotlights underrepressented statues through weekly portraits and silent interviews.
tit meal plans, boasting that he by asserting thath e has to smoke
eats three meals a day Mon- in order to, "feel my throat."
aay through Friday; and never Campus living is yet to
misses brunch. Despite LC's large respond to Wilson's request, but
egan and vegetarian popula he has littlef eart hat it will be
tions, Wtlson claims to eat solely denied. The soon to be alumnus
eat. When asked about his diet, contends thath is four previous
i\Vtlson replied, "I only eat in yea.tS of ownership over the quad
e Bon because I heard you are should be enough to justify his
what you eat. I think I'm only hold on the room. Lewis and
bones." Clarks hould be proud of this
Other seniors may think that display of student satisfaction, as
e is giving up some of the perks well as what \Vt.Isonc alls a, "com
of being an upperclassman, but rnitttnent."
FAVORITVEE GGIE(.. . ) WHATW OULD YOU RATHERB ED OING RIGHTN OW? (. .. )
MOSTM OVINGT HING WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT
YOU'VEE VERS EEN: THE STUDENTS HERE:
( .. ) . ( ... )
DREAMV AYCAY: WEEKEND CHILL SPOT:
... ...
( ) ( )
EMBARASSINGM OMENT: DAILY BEAUTY TIPS:
( .. ) . ( ... ) FAVORITE FAM MEMBER:.(.. ) WHAT MAKES YOU CRY: ( ... ) HOT DATE TIPS:( ... )
STARS
• APRIL 4, 2014 THE MOSSY LOG 507
cover reps to our gigs t roug
LOCAL BACKWARDSO RATOR tatu . keep oun of the pa t year, and apparently -
hen KLC Radio hosted it "I wa in the middle of check still having to pay student loan they're ou ting Beach Hou e tual demands, all members have
annual Acid Rain event in tamm ing a bunch of student IDs when bill . from their roster to make room officially withdrawn from the
last night, Lewis & lark students a group of creepy old people Following the sh w, a flannel for us." college.
were not the only VIP in atten slipped by me," said cid Rain clad stranger eagerly approached fter conferring for less than "Lewis & Clark was es entially
dance. Executives of ub Pop bouncer Anirtak Faats. "1 tried Goddamn Band frontrnan Kcin a minute, the band members the birthplace of grunge, so it's
the famed Seattle it)die label best telling them to leave, but they Letnemip with an unexpected unanimously agreed to ign. A no surpri e that we keep mak-
known for signing irvana-were kept getting in my face and sing request. "He wanted u all to com tour of the U. . will kick off ing great discoveries here," said
present and incognito. Di gui ed ing 'Bitch, Don't Kill My Vibe."' mit then and there to a 10-year at the Moda Center later this up Pop executive Kirk Cobayne.
as thirty-something alumni who Event security officers were also contract," Letnemip explained. month, in support of their debut "The Goddamn Band are basi
never left palatine hill, the execs caught off guard by the motley " ub Pop has been ending under- LP. The Goddamn Album is cally Soundgarden, reincarnated."
THE EVER-DIVERSCE ITY OF PORTLAND RECENTLY
NAMED 'WORLD'S BESTC ITY FOR RAP .FANS'
BY LOCALB B,Y 'ALL
CONNOISSEURO F ALL SORTS
super cool things to do." dude I was totally wrong," said
Often regarded as an eclectic Other places that were in the junior student and rap enth'usiast
paradise full of incredible hangout running for the title included cities Michelle Gonzalez ('15). "Cop
spots for people who love "cul such as Los Angeles, CA, Hous literally show up at every rap and
ture" and the idea of "diver icy," ton, TX, and Chicago, IL and hip bop event in town. The extra
P rtland has become well-known literally every other in the United ecurity and over-the-top vigilance
around the world for the astound tare , but Portland took the on a crowd that just wants to have
ing number of museums, music title by surpri e for the first time fun let me know that they're very
venue , re taurants and overall in history this past week. Many supportive."
ambience the city has to offer. believed that recent trailblazer ln order to celebrate and com
As a result, Portland was recentl and pioneer of rap, Macl<lemore, memt>rate Portland's new title,
named the 'World' Best City for wa going to put eattle at the Campus ctivities Board decided
Rap Fans" by the highly-esteemed forefront of the list. PI gave to bring the legendary rapper Ja -
music publication, PI Maga the title to the city with the most Z to the gnes Flanagan hap I
zine. vote in categorie uch a 'mo t chi upcoming Fall.
"I'm bone tly very proud f rap venue ,' 'm t upp rtive "I can't wait for Mr. Z!" aid
our city," aid Lewi & Clark tu community for the art of rap,' student Peter R bert on ('17)
dent Hannah mith ('16). "Port and 'overall crowd enthu ia m for ' e're already planning to get
land literally boast like such a vast touring rap artists.' this up-and-coming performer a
amount of cool places for people "Before I moved here from fruit basket with some of the best
to go to, you know? I'm happy u tin, TX, I was concerned that Lewis & Clark gear. I eriou ly
that we get to add s mething a there wasn't going to be much of can't wait to hear 'Beyonce' hu -
cool a this to our Ii t of already a rap cene here in Portland and band live.''
NICKLEBACKP· ROVEST HEY
AREN'T "FARA WAY" WITH
NEW RELEASE
BY GERRYH @RP
NOT AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR
icl<leback,s weethearts of the bal reverberation lacking in previ
pacific northwe t, are back with ous albums. " ax and Violins"
tl1eir eightl1 album, "Time for a begins with the ambient sounds
hange," a un-dappled effort of small babies being ticl<led-a
released right in time for Port the guitar swells, lead singer Chad
land's warmer weather. ''Time for Kroeger' voice, which has gained
a Change," a thirteen track album depth and maturity over a decade
including covers of eutral Nlilk of performing, launches into an
Hotel's "King of arrot Flower " aggre ive growl, shouting "I
parts 2-3 as well as a 45 minute am not a rockstar! I AM T
tribute to u~an tevens, i the R CKST RI I AM RRY,'
kind of album that a ks you to sit until the music ends abruptly.
down, grab an iced americano, and "Time for a hange," a ur
stay for a while. pri ingly lo-fi and welcomingly
Jn what mi ht be their la t smooth change for icl<leback,
effort as a band, icl<lebackc m marks almost 20 years of activity
mand immediate attention with for the band. With this relea e,
tl1e rich single, " ax and Violin ." it's clear that they aren't d ne
Indeed, this single i a departure yet-I icl<lebackc ontinues to be
from the band repertoire, how a pillar of ingenuity and energy to
ing an emotional maturity and .;er- contemporary music listeners.
STYLES OURCE
6,000,984 THE MOSSY LOG APRIL 4, 2014 •
photo courtesy of the internet
•
SPORTZ
APRIL 4, 2014 THE MOSSY LOG 7,989,000,092
LC Seagull to ·replace
newloundland as
1nascot
BY ELLO L. eagull was spotted
SPORTZ EDITOR at a baseball game, and
The L eagull ha done many fan b lieve chat he
it again but thi rime he has br ught g d luck becau e L
taken o er. At lase week's won en~g their losing creak.
I
baseball game L ' famous ince then, L ' athlecic
./
r ewfoundland Pio got ejected community rallied t gether to
from the game by one f the induct the LC eagull as LC's
umpire becau e h \ uld not fficial new mascot. "I think
----
scop barking. the Pio d g the L eagull perfectly r pr -
was being e coned out of Hu - enr LC, he' witty and free
con 'p res Complex, the L pirit cl," aid Andi G. ('14).
eagull wooped in and t k a In addition to chillin outside
eat in th bleae::hr . fan of of the Bon catch the LC
the baseball fan were intrigued eagull at all f L 's upcom
by the eagull's pre ence and ing porting event and follow
enjoyed the fact that hew uld him <;>Tn witter le eagull. "I
gawk every rime L would rerweet him on th daily #gec
gee a hit or score a run. This cin ome," said Lot ho f15).
wa the fir t time that the L
ILLUT RATIO BYB OSSA SSB IT H
Club Soccer draws
record breaking
crowd of four
attendees
BY WATERM ELLING get into the game giving ur
TAFFW RITER guys backup. ure it ended in a
ell, it' happened. After sc reles tie, but it wa fun se -
month of cl se calls, the Club ing them a they l oked at their
ccer team has 6nally broken martphone and co k picture
the attendance record for most of the tree .'
attendee at any p rcing event. Three of the four attendees
There were a total f £ ur did not s em to kn w tl1at th y
people in attendance. wer attending a occcr match,
The record wa et dur- but instead claimed to have
ing the game against Iadras wandered into me bleachers
College, one of the top-ranked after parcicipacing in the hot
club soccer team in the na- b xing f the tennis dome.
ci n. The previous attendance However, tl1e players were
record of three wa et at their not dismayed by this. "I can't
inter quad match la t week, wait for our next match " a s
and matched by a erie of club forward Mitchell Hodgs n
matche against tephen . ('15). ' e're c nfident mat we
Fisher niversiry over the past can draw thi kind f er wd
month. again, and who kn w h w far
"It was ju t wonderful" up me attendance will go if we
Captain/Club President Roger continue to play well? e could
Rl_.sl o ('16) said. "We all got even get over 10 rudents t g •
a kick out of it; it wa great. if we tart a win tr ak!"
Just seeing tho e £ ur pe pie
Upcomin9
-----
9ame,
QuidditchA, pril5 , 12pm
CompetitiveE ating,A pril6 , 2pm
Ping Pong,A pril7 , 4pm
BocciB all,A pril9 , 4:30pm
Croql!etA, pril 10, 11am
e
0 Or
Volume42,l ue
Friday, April 4
www.fronrdoor.l lark.edu
ALL THE NEWS THAT'S NOT FIT TO PRINT.
nonuvn, c!OA S3llinO) OlOHd
Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences, Tuajuanda Jordan, jumps ship after being named president of
St. Mary's College of Maryland. >> NEWZ PG. -1
Juniper hall being renovated this "Clarkies" sent to gulag after partying Mary Szybist one-ups William Stafford
summer."Rage-optimized," syas too hard at communist Reed College. after winning International Poetry
authorities. No sign of missing golf cart as of yet. Award. Syzbist Centennial Celebrations
>> ARTZ PG. 69 >> NEWZ PG. ABa are in the works.
>> FEATUREZP G. 100
The Rusty Nail on Craig's List, trying to Campus security prepares for the worst LC Clubs compete in rugby competition
find place to store their shit after Co-Op after botched shoe-investiga~ion leads over remaining SOC budget dollars.
shutdown. to student-created complaint forms. >> SPORTSP G. $12
>> NEWZ PG. 4 >> NEWS PG. 2
PHOTOCS OURTESOYF L EWIS& CLARKC OLLEGEL,A CEYJ ACOBYIV, ANB ANDURAAN DW IKIMEDICAO MMONS.