Title
The Pioneer Log: Lewis & Clark College’s Student-Run Newspaper
Description
Volume 69, Issue 420
Subject
Lewis & Clark College Student Newspaper
Creator
Pioneer Log Staff
Date
2013-04-01
Format
pdf
Type
Newspaper
Rights
For questions about rights statements, or access to the original document please contact Lewis & Clark College Special Collections and Archives http://specialcollections.lclark.edu
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http://rightsstatements.org/vocab/InC/1.0/
Full Text
\ f Ef\TURIMG: '~HERf THE f *CK IS P1o??n 2 NEWS THE MOSSY LOG APRIL 1, 2013
Dennis Rodman set to lead first-ever
exchange trip to North Korea
Kim Jung-un and Dennis Rodman became fast friends, making the possibility of meeting the dictator a reality for LC students.
BY PHIL JACKSON
D. RODMAN'S OFFICIAL MENTOR
Because Lewis & Clark stu
dents need to be at the forefront
of political developments (Monica
Lewinsky, anyone?), the Overseas
Office has developed an exchange
trip to North Korea with a very
unique trip leader-the greatest
NBA player ever. And no, this
person is not Michael Jordan, but
actually his former teammate,
Dennis Rodman.
Rodman initially went to North
Korea to film a reality show with
some Harlem Globetrotters for
HBO but left after having secured
a meeting and sushi-date with the
stoic leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-un--a feat Google execu
tives were unable to accomplish.
Rodman met the dictator court
side, as he is a dedicated basketball
fan, particularly of the Chicago
Bulls. (Perhaps that is a conver
sation starter President Barack
Obama should use to his advan
tage.)
Now that Rodman has taken
the reigns in North Korean-Amer
ican diplomatic relations, he seems
like the perfect candidate to lead
the trip.
"Dennis Rodman will add a
lot to the international affairs
department here at LC," said Tony
Da'Man, who is in charge of hir
ing short-term professors. ''We always look for ways LC can have
an edge over schools like Harvard.
The strength and reputation of
our faculty helps."
After his NBA career, Rod
man has been involved in many
endeavors abroad, the most recent
of which was helping elect the
pope in Rome. Because of his
worldly experience and connec
tions, he is the type of leader
every exchange trip at LC wants.
An official statement from
the LC Overseas Office said that
they were "elated such an intel
ligent person was willing to lead
the first-ever exchange trip with
North Korea."
Beat that, Harvard. Dennis Rodman was unavail
able for comment but is expected
to be on campus next semester
preparing for this adventure.
The student response has been
overwhelmingly excited.
"I feel so freakin' cutting-edge.
Like, for an IA major, this is just,
like, a dream come true," Poca
hontas Smith ('15) said.
Students should not be held
back by the minimal prerequisites:
they must have body piercings,
hate Madonna and Carmen Elec
tra, possess significant knowledge
about the Chicago Bulls and
accept the reality that they may
never make it to North Korea or
home under Rodman's leadership.
College creates program for // average students 11
EXECUTIVE CONTRIBUTOR
Concerns about a growing
population of "average students"
have pushed the college to de
velop what they have named the
Strategy for Helping Intelligent
Students. SHIT will focus on the
students at Lewis & Clark who
don't necessarily "fit in" to the
strategic plan put into place in
January.
"It's really about helping our
valued students who are focusing
their energy elsewhere," said Pres
ident Garry Blassner. Where that
"elsewhere" is remains unknown.
Within SHIT, several committees
have been formed to help stu
dents cope. The Center for Career
and Community Engagement has
started a resume building training
session for those students without
a work-study job. At the training
session, students list their work
experience, which usually ranges
from summer camp counseling to
house-sitting or babysitting.
Though these odd jobs have
nothing to do with what the
students hope to do in the future,
3CE assures them that everything
will be okay if they just hope h·ard enough and donate money to the
college after they graduate. "The
SHIT committee at 3CE is really
about helping students feel like
they're prepared for the real world
even if they aren't. Many of them
come in asking for help finding
jobs, but we mostly just refer them
to Craigslist or something," said
3CE President Dick Whette.
In addition to the 3CE com
mittee, SHIT has established a
support group for students who
are not able to study abroad.
Though promotional materials
for the college assert that almost
all students study abroad or have
a strong desire to do so, the
support group is at full capacity.
• ''We're seeing a lot of students
who don't know how to deal with
not meeting this expectation of
the college," said the Head of the
Counseling Center John S. Cock.
"They don't know what to say
when people ask them why they
aren't going. We're trying to help
them with that."
"It's really awkward," said Amy
Rican ('14). ''Whenever I have
to mingle with administrators or
talk to professors, they ask me
whether or not I'm going abroad. . When I reply 'no,' they ask me
why. I don't want to tell them that
I've been rejected. Twice." Rican
has a GPA of 3.5. Last year, she
applied to two abroad programs
and didn't get into either. "Frankly,
it is bullshit. I was a sophomore
at the time and freshmen got in.
They tried to tell me it was be
cause I hadn't declared my major,
but neither had those freshmen,"
she said.
"I feel okay admitting that I'm
not going abroad," said Ima Poor
('13). "Since I just can't afford
to go, I don't feel embarrassed.
That's not really my fault." Poor
applied to and was accepted to
the Japan program last year, and
though the college claims that
going abroad is the same price as a
semester in Portland, Poor would
have had to pony up an additional
$8,000. "It just isn't a reality for
me, and that's okay, but the sup
port group has helped me reach
that point," she said.
SHIT is also responsible for
finding ways in which average
students can have access to the
many grants and scholarships that
are supposedly available to every
one on campus. Funding options supported by SHIT are bake sales
in downtown Portland, online
pyramid schemes and panhandling
in Lake Oswego on Sunday morn
ings. "We think the student body
will do well with these fundraising
strategies. Some people look more
the type to hold bake sales, some
look more the type to panhandle.
That's pretty good rationale, I
think," said Associated Students
of Lewis & Clark President Bonny
Bear ('13).
The presence of SHIT on
campus is likely to keep the
students who are in the middle of
the road just where they are: in
the middle. Without the mysteri
ous qualities necessary to qualify
for on-campus jobs, study abroad
trips or grant funding, these
students are able to maintain a
perfectly average college experi
ence. Though they may thrive in
interviews, look perfectly good
on paper and fit the criteria listed
by everything they apply to, they
continue to come up short. And
short they will stay.
One student, Mikey Chain
('15), is taking part in all of what
the new strategy has to offer.
"This is complete SHIT," he said. APRIL 1, 2013 THE MOSSY LOG OPINION 3
Lewinsky names liberal arts education an
important affair
BY MONICA LEWINSKY
POLITICAL FIGURE
I just want to thank Lewis &
Clark for the great liberal arts edu
cation it has provided me with and
the wonderful career prospects it
opened in my life. Most people
just focus on the negative aspects
of a nationally publicized, highly
controversial sex scandal with a
popular president and disregard
the sound liberal arts principles
behind it. You have the same
opportunities for success in life,
politics and court as I did.
At LC, you learn to look at
problems through differing, criti
cally examined frames of refer
ence. For example, federal pros
ecutors might say one thing when
they question you on the stand,
but through a different critical
lens you realize that perjury has
multiple meanings for people of
diverse cultures and backgrounds.
Explore all of these perspec
tives during your time at LC.
Take a class from at least as many
departments as the number of
sexual encounters I claimed to
have had with Bill Clinton. That's
nine total. It's really not that hard.
I mean, naturally the body gets
hard after the ninth time, but not
understanding the world through ILLUSTRATION BY NORMAN ROCKWELL
"
e:::.
'
~lVIPA\6lJ1i ,,_
ON A fi.'AUf)/<M ~f
f f{E5 ~Rln ~ .ALL
(sHE WO~--l.,T &Low lT)
diverse fields of knowledge.
Consider the vast depth o(
academic programming at LC. A
degree in psychology really helped me get inside the human body-I
mean brain-and understand what
it most deeply desires. We also
have a great international affairs program, but just remember: they
don't have to be international.
Also, take advantage of your
career resources, especially 3CE. You might land an awesome
internship, maybe at the White
House, maybe banging the 42nd
president of the United States.
Just remerr:iber, you will get a
job cuming out of our great insti
tution, just maybe not a traditional
job. Everybody with the strong
education we have is important
and has their voice in the political
sphere of American democracy.
And it doesn't just have to be
your voice influencing the crucial
debate on current issues, either.
Consider study abroad. Go
places below the equator. Go
places you never thought you
could go, somewhere you wouldn't
have felt dignified going last week
or last month.
Just don't get written up.
I know one guy who learned
that the hard way. He got writ
ten up, then accused of perjury,
then attacked by a vicious mob
of right-wing commentators,
then convicted of perjury, then
impeached. Seriously, don't drink
next to your RA's room.
That's about it, I guess. Don't
worry about tuition or bills. Deal
ing with Bills is a hassle. Keep on
studying; keep maintaining the
academic rigor of a disciplined
liberal arts education. And keep
on Boning. Boning is really great.
Scrappy Newfoundland tramples all things Pioneer
~
~ 4) ,
• -. ~
-~ . ' • • '"""
ILLUSTRATION BY NORMAN ROCKWELL BY SEAMAN
COLLEGIATE MASCOT
I spend some rare sunny days
on campus creeping silently across
qie ravine under the bridge, always
managing to hear at least a few
students mention how much they
love dogs. Meanwhile, my human
informants tell me that these
Pioneers never express problems
with the fact that their allegedly
eloved mascot does not even get
any name recognition.
Though you may have guessed
it by now, I will let you know that
I am a lovable Newfoundland who
eeis shafted to the sidelines. I
would be flattered by the cartoon
images of my face plastered all
over sweatshirts and folders, but
they don't even look anything like
me. At least someone snapped a
real photo of me for the Missed
Connections profile picture, but
I failed to receive a single treat
after several grueling hours of
being forced to "smeyes" for the
camera.
Finally, people have almost
come to respect my overlooked
mascot status: Lewis & Clark
College administration just created
a new student website, and they
have named it The Bark out of
respect for yours truly. They even
approached me for comment on an upcoming news article about
the Pioneer Express changing
its name to the Newfoundland
Twerk, in honor of my special
ability to rapidly wag my tail from
side to side.
In the aftermath of achieving
local celebrity status so fast, I have
had a tough time keeping my paws
planted. But Portland made sure
to literally rain on my imaginary
parade at the moment when The
Mos9 Log published an article that
didn't exactly praise The Bark.
It came as no surprise that
these pretentious editors, who
apparently refused to associate
themselves with anything less than
human when titling the paper,
would attempt to steal my 15
minutes of fame. Sure, the website
is kind of a basic bitch at the mo
ment and could improve in a few
ways. But now, fueled by a desire
to align with the "student voice,"
people will only think of The
Bark as something unnecessary
and inferior.
Since I basically am The Bark
in living form, and based on the
transitive property of congruence,
people will keep looking down
on me. Perhaps asking The Mos9
Log to become Ne1vfie Dung is an
excessive demand, but the least
they can do is stop shitting on my
new-found limelight. 4
_, ---------- -
THE MOSSY LOG
§lilf[L[E §OU ~(C[E
BY 2-PAC'S HOLOGRAM
Student Makes Fashion Statements
Through Facebook Selfies
Fasionista Hannah Miller ('14) consistently documents her style by posting selfies to Facebook. Style Source sorted
through all 1313 of photos of Hannah on Facebook and made a top six list of her most inspiring looks.
Hannah gets too close
Hannah with Hannah
"Ke$ha lookalike #duhh" Hannah celebrates Valentine's day
Hannah incognito
Hannah wears a Lolly Vuitton
crown APRIL 1, 2013 APRIL 1, 2013 THE MOSSY LOG
Admissions ups their
A-game to please the prospies
BY ELLEN DEGENERIZ
The admissions team is hard
at work recruiting high school
juniors to take a look at Lewis &
Clark this semester. While high
school seniors have already been
accepted and must make a final
decision by May 1, admissions
counselors are currently searching
the country for the class of 2018.
The Mos~ Log secured an exclu
sive inside look into their pro
cesses to feature a few members
of the hard-working group who
otherwise never venture outside
the Frank Manor House.
"I just love my job!" said Laura
Mclnnis ('95), assistant director of
admissions. "The campus was just
too beautiful for me to leave."
The English-history double
major alum ended up back on
campus after a series of unpaid
internships following graduation.
Mclnnis is currently giving infor
mation sessions and conducting
interviews at high schools in the
California Bay Area.
"I look for progressive-leaning
students with leadership experi
ence and impressive indie music
collections. Sometimes you just
see a student and know they
would totally fit in at the Platt
DSA," said Mclnnis.
During her interviews, Mclnnis
sometimes likes to break the ice by guessing the student's favorite
episode of "This American Life."
"The other day I added a few
points to a student's ACT scores
because he could name every
Radiohead album. I just thought
to myself, "This kid would make a
great KLC DJ!"'
Mclnnis claims she was also
impressed by the cultural relativ
ism that the student was able to
"The other day I
added a few points
to a student's ACT
scores because he
could name every
Radiohead album.
I just thought to
myself, 'This kid
would make a
• great KLC DJ!'"
practice during his summer volun
teering in Sudan helping impover
ished locals apply for microloans
to obtain the latest iPhone 5.
An exceptionally high number
of prospective students are being PHOTO COURTESY OFTHESMOKESHOP.NET
flown out to Palatine Hill this
semester. Vice President of Ad
missions Jim Van Der Gough said
72 particularly promising prospies
have claimed complementary of
fers to visit LC's luscious grounds.
Of these 72 students, 39 were
from the greater Los Angeles area,
1 7 hailed from Brooklyn and the
remaining 16 were flown out due
to their exceptionally masculine
qualities.
The admissions team has also
initiated a pilot program that
provides overnight hosts with
coupons redeemable for comple
mentary American Spirits and 40s
at the Terwilliger Shell station.
They hope this will allow un
derage hosts to provide prospec
tive students with an authentic LC
experience without the embar
rassment of having their fake ID
taken.
"We are trying to reduce the
occurrence of all buzz-killing
and boner-snrinking experiences
during [prospective students1
overnight experiences," explains
Executive Admissions Liaison
Kim Lil. ''We just really want the
prospective students to have the
full LC experience while they're
on campus so they know what
the hell they're getting themselves
into." FEATURES 5
A V\Ot-e,t-C-o-0t-tr veadev¥
{v01111thb vlv~
Dear Readers,
I regret to inform you that
"Dear Virgins" will no longer
exist, for we have lost our maid
enheads. In the words of one of
my good friends, "I hear you had
your cherry popped big time." It moved on, and we will be wearing
red at our respective weddings,
not white.
Furthermore, we have not
stopped at losing our virginity.
We have been having sex hither,
thither, and yon. We have been
experimenting with our sexuality
like the liberal arts students we are
and enjoying it. is true. As we have been writing to
you, dear readers, answering your
provocative questions, we have
been following our own advice.
The good news is, our advice
works! The bad news is, we can no
longer in good faith call ourselves
Virgins. Once again, we apologize dear
readers that this will be our last
Dear Virgins ever. But never fear.
You will not go advice-less. We
will kick off a new column next
week: Dear Sluts. Our V-cards have been swiped.
We have been deflowered. We
have hung our shoes on the
shoe tree outside of Forest. The
unicorns have all packed up and Best,
The Sluts
Twitter profile of the week:
10
TWriETS BETTY
@UrBffBetty
11
f'GLLO'NING 1
fOLW-WSR
Tweets
Betty @Ur8ff8etty 2h
Caught one of r trainees trying 2 let there friend in. f>pl these days.
iiswipemoswiping
~-fflJrBfffiletty . . Rh.
I was downtown last nlte ancl some1 asked rne to bon. I'm glad our
dining hall is bec:omtng so well known in the community iibonp:ride
EXpood ~Repjy t Clelete ~ Favsriro '?" Moro
Betty @UrBtfBetly 3h
Damn, these kids go hard 4 #ThirstyThursday ... half the people I
swiped in 4 brkfst 2day were still drunk
Betty @\JrBffBclty Sh
Love dem football boyz 4 complimenting my new perm #selfiesunday
Expand
Betty @UrSftBetty 3h
f got my eye on atl u hipsters stealing mah fruit & cookies. #1ofeach
Expand
Betty @1..lr8ffEetty 3h
An apple a day keeps the doctor away because YOLO.
Still dunno wat that means but I rly like the way it sounds #yolo
Expand
Betty tJUrBffBmty 3h
55 degrees and a bit o blue sky. Great day 4 getting my swipe on.
Expand
Betty ®\Jr81'tEetty 3h
sometimes I get tired of my brown uniform shirt so I add pins and a
vest iifunfact
Betty @UrBff8etty
hey followers, who's boning 2nlte?
Expand
Betty tH,!riM/Brnty
Hashtag How Do I Use This
Expand 3h
3h 6 ARTS
.. p HOTO
PHOTOC RAPH BY
HAN NA(H) (WHICH ONE? YOU WILL NEVER KNOW)
LEWIS & CLARK COLLEGE, SOMEHWERE NEAR
WATZEK LIBRARY. OR MAYBE MILLER. THE MOSSY LOG
OF THE APRIL 1, 2013
W E E K
"Ever since moving to Portland, I have been really
passionate about photographing puddles of rain. They
fascinate me. This particular puddle stood out to me
because of its ability to be both delicate and robust."
Students find new outlets of expression ARTS
CULT
CALENDAR
BY KANDEE SHOPPE
STAFF WRITER
A new trend in student expres
sion is sweeping across the Lewis
& Clark campus. In fifth grade
we all experienced the undeniable
urge to participate in bathroom
graffiti, to take a permanent mark
er with us to the bathroom and
write our worst enemy's phone
number down along with a mes
sage similar to, "Call this number
for a good time!" The desire to
write on the inside of bathroom
stalls has apparently followed us
into our college careers.
With the sophistication of our
drinking habits also came a refine
ment in our bathroom graffiti.
Students have struggled to find
new and intriguing outlets for their creative energies. Brice Tagg,
('14) states, "Even as a studio art
major, I was really starting to feel
deprived of raw and untapped
sources for releasing all my intel
lectual creativity. Once I heard of
this bathroom graffitj trend, I just BATHROOM
GRAFFITI PROVES TO
BE BOTH TRENDY AND
had to take part. I was pleasantly
surprised."
Self-expression ·has always been
an important part of students'
identities here at LC. Flannel and
listening to mediocre music has
finally seen its demise. Bathroom UNSANITARY
graffiti finds its appeal in ano
nymity and conveneience. From
boring inspirational quotes to sad
confessions and crappy drawings,
a bathroom stall is a platform that
lends itself to a multiplicity of
content.
Based off its growing popular
ity, bathroom graffiti looks like a
trend that is here to stay. Don't
miss out; hit your local stall today
with a Sharpie in hand!
PHOTOS BY WINSTON
HILLONACHURCH Monday, April 1
In an effort to appeal to a
wider variety of students, the
Bon is holding an interpretative
dance/body painting themed
night. Shirts are required to be
off and no food will actually be
served. 5-7 p.m.
Tuesday, April 2
To kick-start their Church Sum
mer Camp Tour 2013, Christian
metal rock band Skillet will be
playing Backspace at 3:30 p.m.
Don't miss an opportunity to
head bang for Jesus.
115 NW Fifth Ave.
Wednesday, April 3
Under new head coach UR
M@IN GURL, Lewis & Clark's
semi-professional twerk team
is heading to the second annual
regional tournament. Come
and support your fellow twerk
erz at The Oregon Convention
at 8:00 a.m. for $7.
777 NE. MLK, Jr. Blvd.
Thursday, April 4
Come welcome the new alumni
hip hop acapella group, Elderly
Go Ghetto, with their first per
formance in Agnes Flanagan .
Chapel at 7:30 p.m.
-Iggie Azaleeuh ~ 1, 2013
Copeland State Univers·
BY WILLIAM J. BRYAN
CHIEF COPELAND CORRESPONDENT
The Associated Students of
Copeland State University Com
munity College unanimously
voted to secede from Lewis &
Clark College over the weekend.
By forming its own institution,
CSUCC has finally put an end to
the jock-hipster campus rivalry.
A spokesman for newly-
formed Copeland State said,
"Today marks the end of a rivalry
and the start of a new era for both
Copeland and Lewis & Clark.
Copeland residents can now focus
on the essentials of higher educa
tion-like sports." It is unclear
which faculty members intend on
following Copeland, but several
psychology and rhetoric and me
dia studies professors have already
expressed interest in jumping ship.
"Basically, nothing about my job will change," said Associate Pro
fessor of Psychology Dementia
Johnson.
While athletics will be sure to
be the centerpiece of the newly
formed CSUCC, Copeland stu
dents wantto make sure they are
held to the same academic stan
dards as those at LC. "I anticipate
finishing at least two whole books
this semester," said Lesane Crooks
('13).
It is unclear at this time what
effect the departure will have on
LC's athletic facilities. At this time
two sources have confirmed that
the tennis dome is in the process
of being turned into a Designated
Hotbox Area.
In other news, the LC Book
store has introduced a new line
of flannel shirts in order to meet
shifting demands in its student
population. ,...,-,ci,-c:,,,,.,.,,,.-,,--,...-----
Fact: Curling athletes on average g~t 20% m
over the course of their c than soccer players
Lennay lives on
LC ATHLETES VICTIM OF HOAX
BY WILLARD M. ROMNEY
LC GOLF TEAM BEAT WRITER
The Mos.ry Log has learned that
at least three students have been
the victims of yet another sick
hoax by professional prankster
Ronaiah Tuiasosopo. Tuiasosopo,
now infamous for pulling off a
hoax on soon-to-be loser of "Are
You Smarter Then a 5th Grader",
and former Notre Dame football
player Manti Te'o.
While the Lewis & Clark stu
dents wish to remain anonymous,
The Mos.ry Log has learned that
all three victims were male golf
players. Apparently, Tuiasosopo
slowly built a relationship with the
players by pretending to be the
team's caddy. Tuiasosopo's cover
as the team caddy went unnoticed
until he insisted on taking part in
post-match showers. Tuiasosopo's
fatal move was actually taking part
in the showers, as he had been
posing as a female caddy named Lennay.
In an exclusive interview
with The Mos.ry Log, Tuiasosopo
discussed his actions.
"I grew tired of taking ad
vantage of unsuspecting people
online," said Tuiasosopo. "I
yearned for something more.
That is when I began wearing a
wig and watching Mrs. Doubt
fire on repeat for a month."
It is unclear what Tuiasoso
po's motive or endgame was in
stalking the three LC athletes.
When pressed on the issue,
Tuiasosopo said he "slowly fell
in love with the players" and
wanted to "polish their golf
balls on a regular basis."
If you or someone you know
has been affected in some way
by this issue, Student Support
Services has asked that you
reach out to them by calling
the Victims of Lennay Hotline.
(503) HEG-OTME. SPORTZ 7
unity College (CSUCC)
adds new sport
ND SOMEHOW MESSES IT UP
BY JAMES M. COX
ASPIRING STAFF WRITER
After years of negotiations and
arm-twisting, Lewis & Clark has
agreed to add a male sport in yet
another attempt to balance out its
freakishly unnatural women-to
men ratio. In deciding what sport
to add, LC conducted surveys
with focus groups on campus,
ending out 50 annoying emails
+, with the words, "Important:
~le\se read" in them, and even
~~d Betty what she preferred.
~·· the celebration of all, LC has
added North America's favorite
low intensity sport: curling.
The selection comes much
to the dismay of the officially
official men's club soccer team
as been waiting 30 years
e a prestigious DIII
hat the hell curling
tring goalie Robert
.) Despite curling being selected for its flourishing
popularity among the ironic hip
ster residents of Akin and high
marks from Betty, many mem
bers of the club soccer team felt
slighted in the deal. ''We were
never asked our opinion on the
matter," said Armando Perez
('15). "I know that soccer is bor
ing, but c'mon, curling? That's
basically people competing at
who can clean the floor fastest."
While LC's semi-professional
floppers must go on for yet an
other year without the privilege
of having to play outdoor soccer
in Portland in front of dozens
of fans, members of the curling
team are clearly excited for the
opportunity.
"I have been waiting an entire
three days for this," said Andre
Young ('14). "I just shined my
biter and look forward to com
peting in a bonspiel at the end of
next month." 8 THE MOSSY LOG
You Caught My Eye Editor's
You: Jimmy Carter. ------------------------1 Me: Wanting to lie all night in your arms embargo. You: Missed class because of the time change.
Me: Hoping you'll decide to spring forward ... and onto my body.
You: Mail room stud.
Me: Here to pick up your parcel.
You: Watched me from a stairwell for a moment while I was spinning poi.
Me: Forgot everything while I was trying to figure out if I know you or not.
You: Vending machine.
Me: Gimme those nuts. Or my $1.75.
The Frosted Flakes of Humor Pages.
<Gmfll@[£ !13@cdk
LC Costume Shop clothes
less fortunate superheros
Photo Credit: Kevin Bocek
Hull holds up her newly finished costume for "Killer
Whale Man: Defender of the Reflection Pool." "We're just giving back in the only way we know how," said
Costume Shop Manager Ashton Hull. "Some people make
food, some make music, I make costumes."
While we all try to be socially conscious here at Lewis &
Clark, some of us try a I ittle harder than others. To give back to
the community, the Lewis and Clark Costume Shop has begun
creating costumes for Portland's less fortunate superheroes.
Clothing superheroes was not Hull's first idea for outreach.
The Costume Shop experimented with making doggie sweaters
for charity dog parades, as well as horseshoes, before settling
on superhero costumes. "Apparently the farmers thought our
shoes had too many laces and ribbons, and not enough iron,"
said one costume shop worker. "Who knew horses were so
particular?"
The shop has already designed costumes for several Port
land heroes including Fashionably Late Man and 99% Man.
"I used to just show up late to things, and no one understood
what the point of a late superhero was" said Fashionably Late
Man, "but now when I show -up late to crimes, I'm wearing
a cape, and my chest says "Fashionably Late." So everyone
knows I'm supposed to show up late!" •
99% percent man was too busy yelling incoherent but cor
rect slogans at passersby downtown to comment on his new,
shiny gold helmet. But he was wearing it!
If you or someone you know is an aspiring superhero, come
on down to the Costume Shop and they'll get you fixed up and
ready for crime fighting action. Said Hull, "We'll take anyone
who has a super power. As long you want to wear a cape."
Prosnie ames:2013
Presented by the College Recreation Board (CRB)
Say goodbye to tour groups ful I of fresh faced youn_gsters peep-·
ing in the window at the sad, grey pile of paper and empty bottles
that is your life. This spring, the College Recreation Board presents
Prospie Games 2013, the first Annual Prospie Games. APRIL 1, 2013
Backdoor
reader survey:
no one reads
the articles
Catchy bylines help
OK, so if I could just start by saying
tbanks. Thank you, for reading tbis. I
know this sounds clicbe, but it means a
lot. I put a lot of time into this, witb tbe
research, and tbe survey, and now writing
this damn thing. And tben later, it'll be
edited. That hasn't even happened yet.
I mean, when you're reading tbis, it will
have happned by tben. Thank you. Really,
I mean tbat. You reading this, it makes it
all worth it.
Last week, Backdoor conducted an
annual readership survey to better meet
tbe needs of it's ... why am I even writing
this? Apparently 96.4% of you aren't
even gonna read more than tbe headline.
All tbese words, here, they're like tiny
ants. But some of tbe ants are BIGGER.
You're probably looking at this, tbinking
how tbat one ant is bigger than tbe rest.
You're so stupid.
Not you, I mean all tl1e people who
aren't reading. Like that gny, over tbere.
What a stupid idiot. He'll quit reading
one he realizes nobody gave his ugly ass
a You Caught My Eye. Why even pick up
the paper if you're not gonna read tbe
words? That's what papers are composed
of, it's all words! If you don't wane words,
you shouldn't even be grabbing a paper.
There are books especially for people like
you. They're called picture books. Save
tbe papers for tl1e grown ups who read
things. What if right in the middle of tbe
column, I wrote tbe funniest thing ever
written? He wouldn't even know!
I bet most people have stopped
reading by now. The only people who are
still reading are probably tbe copy editor
(hi Ailee!) and my Mom (Stop reading.
It's called a student paper, you old hag).
If you're not Ailee or my Mom, tbank
yeu. Really, I appreciate it. Hey, you know
what? I'm gonna buy you something.
Seriously, shoot me an email saying you
got this far, and I'll totally get you, like, I
don't know, a book or something. I mean,
you sure do like to read!
Oh, shit. You know why nobody's
reading? I forgot to put in a zingy first
line. Okay, okay, let's just start over.
What is the sound of no people
reading?
Read the rest
online at
backdoor.com*
Preparations have already begun for the summer and fall school
touring season. Knife-Corn, a newly engineered species similar to
corn, but with knives on it, has been perfected and is already being
seeded across the Pac-man lawn. Murder-monkeys, a newly en
gineered species similar to monkeys but.. .well, you get the idea,
are being air-dropped into the wooded areas surrounding Watzek
Library. Also, administrators and tour guides are taking classes oni
how to be really mean. Activities Corner *Except don't, that's probably
porn. But do like us on Facebook
and follow @TheBackdoorLC.
Contestants will be pulled at random from the pool of visiting
students, divided by state, and thrust into an arena to battle to the
death. Yes, we know that nobody from New York goes here, so
some of the people from California will be forced to fight for that
state. Event attendees can expect brutal violence, heartbreakingly
stupid love-triangles, and free Papa John's pizza. Come root for
your favorite state! The victor gets a goody bag. One of These Things is
Not Like the Others!
Backdoor is a not work of humor or fiction. It is truth, and should be taken literally ... APRIL FOOLS!
APRIL FOOLS APRIL FOOLS APRIL FOOLS! 1 ma-~ rer.R11.tly reviewing 11ictures th.at I took
over tlte weekend, aud l 1toticed something
fisl,y. Could ym, pll'ase help ,ne dt•tennine
wltich plctr,re I.oaks out-of-place?
'll{ u ;:np wo:g puo:>;)S s1 OT<l
Dennis Rodman set to lead first-ever
exchange trip to North Korea
Kim Jung-un and Dennis Rodman became fast friends, making the possibility of meeting the dictator a reality for LC students.
BY PHIL JACKSON
D. RODMAN'S OFFICIAL MENTOR
Because Lewis & Clark stu
dents need to be at the forefront
of political developments (Monica
Lewinsky, anyone?), the Overseas
Office has developed an exchange
trip to North Korea with a very
unique trip leader-the greatest
NBA player ever. And no, this
person is not Michael Jordan, but
actually his former teammate,
Dennis Rodman.
Rodman initially went to North
Korea to film a reality show with
some Harlem Globetrotters for
HBO but left after having secured
a meeting and sushi-date with the
stoic leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-un--a feat Google execu
tives were unable to accomplish.
Rodman met the dictator court
side, as he is a dedicated basketball
fan, particularly of the Chicago
Bulls. (Perhaps that is a conver
sation starter President Barack
Obama should use to his advan
tage.)
Now that Rodman has taken
the reigns in North Korean-Amer
ican diplomatic relations, he seems
like the perfect candidate to lead
the trip.
"Dennis Rodman will add a
lot to the international affairs
department here at LC," said Tony
Da'Man, who is in charge of hir
ing short-term professors. ''We always look for ways LC can have
an edge over schools like Harvard.
The strength and reputation of
our faculty helps."
After his NBA career, Rod
man has been involved in many
endeavors abroad, the most recent
of which was helping elect the
pope in Rome. Because of his
worldly experience and connec
tions, he is the type of leader
every exchange trip at LC wants.
An official statement from
the LC Overseas Office said that
they were "elated such an intel
ligent person was willing to lead
the first-ever exchange trip with
North Korea."
Beat that, Harvard. Dennis Rodman was unavail
able for comment but is expected
to be on campus next semester
preparing for this adventure.
The student response has been
overwhelmingly excited.
"I feel so freakin' cutting-edge.
Like, for an IA major, this is just,
like, a dream come true," Poca
hontas Smith ('15) said.
Students should not be held
back by the minimal prerequisites:
they must have body piercings,
hate Madonna and Carmen Elec
tra, possess significant knowledge
about the Chicago Bulls and
accept the reality that they may
never make it to North Korea or
home under Rodman's leadership.
College creates program for // average students 11
EXECUTIVE CONTRIBUTOR
Concerns about a growing
population of "average students"
have pushed the college to de
velop what they have named the
Strategy for Helping Intelligent
Students. SHIT will focus on the
students at Lewis & Clark who
don't necessarily "fit in" to the
strategic plan put into place in
January.
"It's really about helping our
valued students who are focusing
their energy elsewhere," said Pres
ident Garry Blassner. Where that
"elsewhere" is remains unknown.
Within SHIT, several committees
have been formed to help stu
dents cope. The Center for Career
and Community Engagement has
started a resume building training
session for those students without
a work-study job. At the training
session, students list their work
experience, which usually ranges
from summer camp counseling to
house-sitting or babysitting.
Though these odd jobs have
nothing to do with what the
students hope to do in the future,
3CE assures them that everything
will be okay if they just hope h·ard enough and donate money to the
college after they graduate. "The
SHIT committee at 3CE is really
about helping students feel like
they're prepared for the real world
even if they aren't. Many of them
come in asking for help finding
jobs, but we mostly just refer them
to Craigslist or something," said
3CE President Dick Whette.
In addition to the 3CE com
mittee, SHIT has established a
support group for students who
are not able to study abroad.
Though promotional materials
for the college assert that almost
all students study abroad or have
a strong desire to do so, the
support group is at full capacity.
• ''We're seeing a lot of students
who don't know how to deal with
not meeting this expectation of
the college," said the Head of the
Counseling Center John S. Cock.
"They don't know what to say
when people ask them why they
aren't going. We're trying to help
them with that."
"It's really awkward," said Amy
Rican ('14). ''Whenever I have
to mingle with administrators or
talk to professors, they ask me
whether or not I'm going abroad. . When I reply 'no,' they ask me
why. I don't want to tell them that
I've been rejected. Twice." Rican
has a GPA of 3.5. Last year, she
applied to two abroad programs
and didn't get into either. "Frankly,
it is bullshit. I was a sophomore
at the time and freshmen got in.
They tried to tell me it was be
cause I hadn't declared my major,
but neither had those freshmen,"
she said.
"I feel okay admitting that I'm
not going abroad," said Ima Poor
('13). "Since I just can't afford
to go, I don't feel embarrassed.
That's not really my fault." Poor
applied to and was accepted to
the Japan program last year, and
though the college claims that
going abroad is the same price as a
semester in Portland, Poor would
have had to pony up an additional
$8,000. "It just isn't a reality for
me, and that's okay, but the sup
port group has helped me reach
that point," she said.
SHIT is also responsible for
finding ways in which average
students can have access to the
many grants and scholarships that
are supposedly available to every
one on campus. Funding options supported by SHIT are bake sales
in downtown Portland, online
pyramid schemes and panhandling
in Lake Oswego on Sunday morn
ings. "We think the student body
will do well with these fundraising
strategies. Some people look more
the type to hold bake sales, some
look more the type to panhandle.
That's pretty good rationale, I
think," said Associated Students
of Lewis & Clark President Bonny
Bear ('13).
The presence of SHIT on
campus is likely to keep the
students who are in the middle of
the road just where they are: in
the middle. Without the mysteri
ous qualities necessary to qualify
for on-campus jobs, study abroad
trips or grant funding, these
students are able to maintain a
perfectly average college experi
ence. Though they may thrive in
interviews, look perfectly good
on paper and fit the criteria listed
by everything they apply to, they
continue to come up short. And
short they will stay.
One student, Mikey Chain
('15), is taking part in all of what
the new strategy has to offer.
"This is complete SHIT," he said. APRIL 1, 2013 THE MOSSY LOG OPINION 3
Lewinsky names liberal arts education an
important affair
BY MONICA LEWINSKY
POLITICAL FIGURE
I just want to thank Lewis &
Clark for the great liberal arts edu
cation it has provided me with and
the wonderful career prospects it
opened in my life. Most people
just focus on the negative aspects
of a nationally publicized, highly
controversial sex scandal with a
popular president and disregard
the sound liberal arts principles
behind it. You have the same
opportunities for success in life,
politics and court as I did.
At LC, you learn to look at
problems through differing, criti
cally examined frames of refer
ence. For example, federal pros
ecutors might say one thing when
they question you on the stand,
but through a different critical
lens you realize that perjury has
multiple meanings for people of
diverse cultures and backgrounds.
Explore all of these perspec
tives during your time at LC.
Take a class from at least as many
departments as the number of
sexual encounters I claimed to
have had with Bill Clinton. That's
nine total. It's really not that hard.
I mean, naturally the body gets
hard after the ninth time, but not
understanding the world through ILLUSTRATION BY NORMAN ROCKWELL
"
e:::.
'
~lVIPA\6lJ1i ,,_
ON A fi.'AUf)/<M ~f
f f{E5 ~Rln ~ .ALL
(sHE WO~--l.,T &Low lT)
diverse fields of knowledge.
Consider the vast depth o(
academic programming at LC. A
degree in psychology really helped me get inside the human body-I
mean brain-and understand what
it most deeply desires. We also
have a great international affairs program, but just remember: they
don't have to be international.
Also, take advantage of your
career resources, especially 3CE. You might land an awesome
internship, maybe at the White
House, maybe banging the 42nd
president of the United States.
Just remerr:iber, you will get a
job cuming out of our great insti
tution, just maybe not a traditional
job. Everybody with the strong
education we have is important
and has their voice in the political
sphere of American democracy.
And it doesn't just have to be
your voice influencing the crucial
debate on current issues, either.
Consider study abroad. Go
places below the equator. Go
places you never thought you
could go, somewhere you wouldn't
have felt dignified going last week
or last month.
Just don't get written up.
I know one guy who learned
that the hard way. He got writ
ten up, then accused of perjury,
then attacked by a vicious mob
of right-wing commentators,
then convicted of perjury, then
impeached. Seriously, don't drink
next to your RA's room.
That's about it, I guess. Don't
worry about tuition or bills. Deal
ing with Bills is a hassle. Keep on
studying; keep maintaining the
academic rigor of a disciplined
liberal arts education. And keep
on Boning. Boning is really great.
Scrappy Newfoundland tramples all things Pioneer
~
~ 4) ,
• -. ~
-~ . ' • • '"""
ILLUSTRATION BY NORMAN ROCKWELL BY SEAMAN
COLLEGIATE MASCOT
I spend some rare sunny days
on campus creeping silently across
qie ravine under the bridge, always
managing to hear at least a few
students mention how much they
love dogs. Meanwhile, my human
informants tell me that these
Pioneers never express problems
with the fact that their allegedly
eloved mascot does not even get
any name recognition.
Though you may have guessed
it by now, I will let you know that
I am a lovable Newfoundland who
eeis shafted to the sidelines. I
would be flattered by the cartoon
images of my face plastered all
over sweatshirts and folders, but
they don't even look anything like
me. At least someone snapped a
real photo of me for the Missed
Connections profile picture, but
I failed to receive a single treat
after several grueling hours of
being forced to "smeyes" for the
camera.
Finally, people have almost
come to respect my overlooked
mascot status: Lewis & Clark
College administration just created
a new student website, and they
have named it The Bark out of
respect for yours truly. They even
approached me for comment on an upcoming news article about
the Pioneer Express changing
its name to the Newfoundland
Twerk, in honor of my special
ability to rapidly wag my tail from
side to side.
In the aftermath of achieving
local celebrity status so fast, I have
had a tough time keeping my paws
planted. But Portland made sure
to literally rain on my imaginary
parade at the moment when The
Mos9 Log published an article that
didn't exactly praise The Bark.
It came as no surprise that
these pretentious editors, who
apparently refused to associate
themselves with anything less than
human when titling the paper,
would attempt to steal my 15
minutes of fame. Sure, the website
is kind of a basic bitch at the mo
ment and could improve in a few
ways. But now, fueled by a desire
to align with the "student voice,"
people will only think of The
Bark as something unnecessary
and inferior.
Since I basically am The Bark
in living form, and based on the
transitive property of congruence,
people will keep looking down
on me. Perhaps asking The Mos9
Log to become Ne1vfie Dung is an
excessive demand, but the least
they can do is stop shitting on my
new-found limelight. 4
_, ---------- -
THE MOSSY LOG
§lilf[L[E §OU ~(C[E
BY 2-PAC'S HOLOGRAM
Student Makes Fashion Statements
Through Facebook Selfies
Fasionista Hannah Miller ('14) consistently documents her style by posting selfies to Facebook. Style Source sorted
through all 1313 of photos of Hannah on Facebook and made a top six list of her most inspiring looks.
Hannah gets too close
Hannah with Hannah
"Ke$ha lookalike #duhh" Hannah celebrates Valentine's day
Hannah incognito
Hannah wears a Lolly Vuitton
crown APRIL 1, 2013 APRIL 1, 2013 THE MOSSY LOG
Admissions ups their
A-game to please the prospies
BY ELLEN DEGENERIZ
The admissions team is hard
at work recruiting high school
juniors to take a look at Lewis &
Clark this semester. While high
school seniors have already been
accepted and must make a final
decision by May 1, admissions
counselors are currently searching
the country for the class of 2018.
The Mos~ Log secured an exclu
sive inside look into their pro
cesses to feature a few members
of the hard-working group who
otherwise never venture outside
the Frank Manor House.
"I just love my job!" said Laura
Mclnnis ('95), assistant director of
admissions. "The campus was just
too beautiful for me to leave."
The English-history double
major alum ended up back on
campus after a series of unpaid
internships following graduation.
Mclnnis is currently giving infor
mation sessions and conducting
interviews at high schools in the
California Bay Area.
"I look for progressive-leaning
students with leadership experi
ence and impressive indie music
collections. Sometimes you just
see a student and know they
would totally fit in at the Platt
DSA," said Mclnnis.
During her interviews, Mclnnis
sometimes likes to break the ice by guessing the student's favorite
episode of "This American Life."
"The other day I added a few
points to a student's ACT scores
because he could name every
Radiohead album. I just thought
to myself, "This kid would make a
great KLC DJ!"'
Mclnnis claims she was also
impressed by the cultural relativ
ism that the student was able to
"The other day I
added a few points
to a student's ACT
scores because he
could name every
Radiohead album.
I just thought to
myself, 'This kid
would make a
• great KLC DJ!'"
practice during his summer volun
teering in Sudan helping impover
ished locals apply for microloans
to obtain the latest iPhone 5.
An exceptionally high number
of prospective students are being PHOTO COURTESY OFTHESMOKESHOP.NET
flown out to Palatine Hill this
semester. Vice President of Ad
missions Jim Van Der Gough said
72 particularly promising prospies
have claimed complementary of
fers to visit LC's luscious grounds.
Of these 72 students, 39 were
from the greater Los Angeles area,
1 7 hailed from Brooklyn and the
remaining 16 were flown out due
to their exceptionally masculine
qualities.
The admissions team has also
initiated a pilot program that
provides overnight hosts with
coupons redeemable for comple
mentary American Spirits and 40s
at the Terwilliger Shell station.
They hope this will allow un
derage hosts to provide prospec
tive students with an authentic LC
experience without the embar
rassment of having their fake ID
taken.
"We are trying to reduce the
occurrence of all buzz-killing
and boner-snrinking experiences
during [prospective students1
overnight experiences," explains
Executive Admissions Liaison
Kim Lil. ''We just really want the
prospective students to have the
full LC experience while they're
on campus so they know what
the hell they're getting themselves
into." FEATURES 5
A V\Ot-e,t-C-o-0t-tr veadev¥
{v01111thb vlv~
Dear Readers,
I regret to inform you that
"Dear Virgins" will no longer
exist, for we have lost our maid
enheads. In the words of one of
my good friends, "I hear you had
your cherry popped big time." It moved on, and we will be wearing
red at our respective weddings,
not white.
Furthermore, we have not
stopped at losing our virginity.
We have been having sex hither,
thither, and yon. We have been
experimenting with our sexuality
like the liberal arts students we are
and enjoying it. is true. As we have been writing to
you, dear readers, answering your
provocative questions, we have
been following our own advice.
The good news is, our advice
works! The bad news is, we can no
longer in good faith call ourselves
Virgins. Once again, we apologize dear
readers that this will be our last
Dear Virgins ever. But never fear.
You will not go advice-less. We
will kick off a new column next
week: Dear Sluts. Our V-cards have been swiped.
We have been deflowered. We
have hung our shoes on the
shoe tree outside of Forest. The
unicorns have all packed up and Best,
The Sluts
Twitter profile of the week:
10
TWriETS BETTY
@UrBffBetty
11
f'GLLO'NING 1
fOLW-WSR
Tweets
Betty @Ur8ff8etty 2h
Caught one of r trainees trying 2 let there friend in. f>pl these days.
iiswipemoswiping
~-fflJrBfffiletty . . Rh.
I was downtown last nlte ancl some1 asked rne to bon. I'm glad our
dining hall is bec:omtng so well known in the community iibonp:ride
EXpood ~Repjy t Clelete ~ Favsriro '?" Moro
Betty @UrBtfBetly 3h
Damn, these kids go hard 4 #ThirstyThursday ... half the people I
swiped in 4 brkfst 2day were still drunk
Betty @\JrBffBclty Sh
Love dem football boyz 4 complimenting my new perm #selfiesunday
Expand
Betty @UrSftBetty 3h
f got my eye on atl u hipsters stealing mah fruit & cookies. #1ofeach
Expand
Betty @1..lr8ffEetty 3h
An apple a day keeps the doctor away because YOLO.
Still dunno wat that means but I rly like the way it sounds #yolo
Expand
Betty tJUrBffBmty 3h
55 degrees and a bit o blue sky. Great day 4 getting my swipe on.
Expand
Betty ®\Jr81'tEetty 3h
sometimes I get tired of my brown uniform shirt so I add pins and a
vest iifunfact
Betty @UrBff8etty
hey followers, who's boning 2nlte?
Expand
Betty tH,!riM/Brnty
Hashtag How Do I Use This
Expand 3h
3h 6 ARTS
.. p HOTO
PHOTOC RAPH BY
HAN NA(H) (WHICH ONE? YOU WILL NEVER KNOW)
LEWIS & CLARK COLLEGE, SOMEHWERE NEAR
WATZEK LIBRARY. OR MAYBE MILLER. THE MOSSY LOG
OF THE APRIL 1, 2013
W E E K
"Ever since moving to Portland, I have been really
passionate about photographing puddles of rain. They
fascinate me. This particular puddle stood out to me
because of its ability to be both delicate and robust."
Students find new outlets of expression ARTS
CULT
CALENDAR
BY KANDEE SHOPPE
STAFF WRITER
A new trend in student expres
sion is sweeping across the Lewis
& Clark campus. In fifth grade
we all experienced the undeniable
urge to participate in bathroom
graffiti, to take a permanent mark
er with us to the bathroom and
write our worst enemy's phone
number down along with a mes
sage similar to, "Call this number
for a good time!" The desire to
write on the inside of bathroom
stalls has apparently followed us
into our college careers.
With the sophistication of our
drinking habits also came a refine
ment in our bathroom graffiti.
Students have struggled to find
new and intriguing outlets for their creative energies. Brice Tagg,
('14) states, "Even as a studio art
major, I was really starting to feel
deprived of raw and untapped
sources for releasing all my intel
lectual creativity. Once I heard of
this bathroom graffitj trend, I just BATHROOM
GRAFFITI PROVES TO
BE BOTH TRENDY AND
had to take part. I was pleasantly
surprised."
Self-expression ·has always been
an important part of students'
identities here at LC. Flannel and
listening to mediocre music has
finally seen its demise. Bathroom UNSANITARY
graffiti finds its appeal in ano
nymity and conveneience. From
boring inspirational quotes to sad
confessions and crappy drawings,
a bathroom stall is a platform that
lends itself to a multiplicity of
content.
Based off its growing popular
ity, bathroom graffiti looks like a
trend that is here to stay. Don't
miss out; hit your local stall today
with a Sharpie in hand!
PHOTOS BY WINSTON
HILLONACHURCH Monday, April 1
In an effort to appeal to a
wider variety of students, the
Bon is holding an interpretative
dance/body painting themed
night. Shirts are required to be
off and no food will actually be
served. 5-7 p.m.
Tuesday, April 2
To kick-start their Church Sum
mer Camp Tour 2013, Christian
metal rock band Skillet will be
playing Backspace at 3:30 p.m.
Don't miss an opportunity to
head bang for Jesus.
115 NW Fifth Ave.
Wednesday, April 3
Under new head coach UR
M@IN GURL, Lewis & Clark's
semi-professional twerk team
is heading to the second annual
regional tournament. Come
and support your fellow twerk
erz at The Oregon Convention
at 8:00 a.m. for $7.
777 NE. MLK, Jr. Blvd.
Thursday, April 4
Come welcome the new alumni
hip hop acapella group, Elderly
Go Ghetto, with their first per
formance in Agnes Flanagan .
Chapel at 7:30 p.m.
-Iggie Azaleeuh ~ 1, 2013
Copeland State Univers·
BY WILLIAM J. BRYAN
CHIEF COPELAND CORRESPONDENT
The Associated Students of
Copeland State University Com
munity College unanimously
voted to secede from Lewis &
Clark College over the weekend.
By forming its own institution,
CSUCC has finally put an end to
the jock-hipster campus rivalry.
A spokesman for newly-
formed Copeland State said,
"Today marks the end of a rivalry
and the start of a new era for both
Copeland and Lewis & Clark.
Copeland residents can now focus
on the essentials of higher educa
tion-like sports." It is unclear
which faculty members intend on
following Copeland, but several
psychology and rhetoric and me
dia studies professors have already
expressed interest in jumping ship.
"Basically, nothing about my job will change," said Associate Pro
fessor of Psychology Dementia
Johnson.
While athletics will be sure to
be the centerpiece of the newly
formed CSUCC, Copeland stu
dents wantto make sure they are
held to the same academic stan
dards as those at LC. "I anticipate
finishing at least two whole books
this semester," said Lesane Crooks
('13).
It is unclear at this time what
effect the departure will have on
LC's athletic facilities. At this time
two sources have confirmed that
the tennis dome is in the process
of being turned into a Designated
Hotbox Area.
In other news, the LC Book
store has introduced a new line
of flannel shirts in order to meet
shifting demands in its student
population. ,...,-,ci,-c:,,,,.,.,,,.-,,--,...-----
Fact: Curling athletes on average g~t 20% m
over the course of their c than soccer players
Lennay lives on
LC ATHLETES VICTIM OF HOAX
BY WILLARD M. ROMNEY
LC GOLF TEAM BEAT WRITER
The Mos.ry Log has learned that
at least three students have been
the victims of yet another sick
hoax by professional prankster
Ronaiah Tuiasosopo. Tuiasosopo,
now infamous for pulling off a
hoax on soon-to-be loser of "Are
You Smarter Then a 5th Grader",
and former Notre Dame football
player Manti Te'o.
While the Lewis & Clark stu
dents wish to remain anonymous,
The Mos.ry Log has learned that
all three victims were male golf
players. Apparently, Tuiasosopo
slowly built a relationship with the
players by pretending to be the
team's caddy. Tuiasosopo's cover
as the team caddy went unnoticed
until he insisted on taking part in
post-match showers. Tuiasosopo's
fatal move was actually taking part
in the showers, as he had been
posing as a female caddy named Lennay.
In an exclusive interview
with The Mos.ry Log, Tuiasosopo
discussed his actions.
"I grew tired of taking ad
vantage of unsuspecting people
online," said Tuiasosopo. "I
yearned for something more.
That is when I began wearing a
wig and watching Mrs. Doubt
fire on repeat for a month."
It is unclear what Tuiasoso
po's motive or endgame was in
stalking the three LC athletes.
When pressed on the issue,
Tuiasosopo said he "slowly fell
in love with the players" and
wanted to "polish their golf
balls on a regular basis."
If you or someone you know
has been affected in some way
by this issue, Student Support
Services has asked that you
reach out to them by calling
the Victims of Lennay Hotline.
(503) HEG-OTME. SPORTZ 7
unity College (CSUCC)
adds new sport
ND SOMEHOW MESSES IT UP
BY JAMES M. COX
ASPIRING STAFF WRITER
After years of negotiations and
arm-twisting, Lewis & Clark has
agreed to add a male sport in yet
another attempt to balance out its
freakishly unnatural women-to
men ratio. In deciding what sport
to add, LC conducted surveys
with focus groups on campus,
ending out 50 annoying emails
+, with the words, "Important:
~le\se read" in them, and even
~~d Betty what she preferred.
~·· the celebration of all, LC has
added North America's favorite
low intensity sport: curling.
The selection comes much
to the dismay of the officially
official men's club soccer team
as been waiting 30 years
e a prestigious DIII
hat the hell curling
tring goalie Robert
.) Despite curling being selected for its flourishing
popularity among the ironic hip
ster residents of Akin and high
marks from Betty, many mem
bers of the club soccer team felt
slighted in the deal. ''We were
never asked our opinion on the
matter," said Armando Perez
('15). "I know that soccer is bor
ing, but c'mon, curling? That's
basically people competing at
who can clean the floor fastest."
While LC's semi-professional
floppers must go on for yet an
other year without the privilege
of having to play outdoor soccer
in Portland in front of dozens
of fans, members of the curling
team are clearly excited for the
opportunity.
"I have been waiting an entire
three days for this," said Andre
Young ('14). "I just shined my
biter and look forward to com
peting in a bonspiel at the end of
next month." 8 THE MOSSY LOG
You Caught My Eye Editor's
You: Jimmy Carter. ------------------------1 Me: Wanting to lie all night in your arms embargo. You: Missed class because of the time change.
Me: Hoping you'll decide to spring forward ... and onto my body.
You: Mail room stud.
Me: Here to pick up your parcel.
You: Watched me from a stairwell for a moment while I was spinning poi.
Me: Forgot everything while I was trying to figure out if I know you or not.
You: Vending machine.
Me: Gimme those nuts. Or my $1.75.
The Frosted Flakes of Humor Pages.
<Gmfll@[£ !13@cdk
LC Costume Shop clothes
less fortunate superheros
Photo Credit: Kevin Bocek
Hull holds up her newly finished costume for "Killer
Whale Man: Defender of the Reflection Pool." "We're just giving back in the only way we know how," said
Costume Shop Manager Ashton Hull. "Some people make
food, some make music, I make costumes."
While we all try to be socially conscious here at Lewis &
Clark, some of us try a I ittle harder than others. To give back to
the community, the Lewis and Clark Costume Shop has begun
creating costumes for Portland's less fortunate superheroes.
Clothing superheroes was not Hull's first idea for outreach.
The Costume Shop experimented with making doggie sweaters
for charity dog parades, as well as horseshoes, before settling
on superhero costumes. "Apparently the farmers thought our
shoes had too many laces and ribbons, and not enough iron,"
said one costume shop worker. "Who knew horses were so
particular?"
The shop has already designed costumes for several Port
land heroes including Fashionably Late Man and 99% Man.
"I used to just show up late to things, and no one understood
what the point of a late superhero was" said Fashionably Late
Man, "but now when I show -up late to crimes, I'm wearing
a cape, and my chest says "Fashionably Late." So everyone
knows I'm supposed to show up late!" •
99% percent man was too busy yelling incoherent but cor
rect slogans at passersby downtown to comment on his new,
shiny gold helmet. But he was wearing it!
If you or someone you know is an aspiring superhero, come
on down to the Costume Shop and they'll get you fixed up and
ready for crime fighting action. Said Hull, "We'll take anyone
who has a super power. As long you want to wear a cape."
Prosnie ames:2013
Presented by the College Recreation Board (CRB)
Say goodbye to tour groups ful I of fresh faced youn_gsters peep-·
ing in the window at the sad, grey pile of paper and empty bottles
that is your life. This spring, the College Recreation Board presents
Prospie Games 2013, the first Annual Prospie Games. APRIL 1, 2013
Backdoor
reader survey:
no one reads
the articles
Catchy bylines help
OK, so if I could just start by saying
tbanks. Thank you, for reading tbis. I
know this sounds clicbe, but it means a
lot. I put a lot of time into this, witb tbe
research, and tbe survey, and now writing
this damn thing. And tben later, it'll be
edited. That hasn't even happened yet.
I mean, when you're reading tbis, it will
have happned by tben. Thank you. Really,
I mean tbat. You reading this, it makes it
all worth it.
Last week, Backdoor conducted an
annual readership survey to better meet
tbe needs of it's ... why am I even writing
this? Apparently 96.4% of you aren't
even gonna read more than tbe headline.
All tbese words, here, they're like tiny
ants. But some of tbe ants are BIGGER.
You're probably looking at this, tbinking
how tbat one ant is bigger than tbe rest.
You're so stupid.
Not you, I mean all tl1e people who
aren't reading. Like that gny, over tbere.
What a stupid idiot. He'll quit reading
one he realizes nobody gave his ugly ass
a You Caught My Eye. Why even pick up
the paper if you're not gonna read tbe
words? That's what papers are composed
of, it's all words! If you don't wane words,
you shouldn't even be grabbing a paper.
There are books especially for people like
you. They're called picture books. Save
tbe papers for tl1e grown ups who read
things. What if right in the middle of tbe
column, I wrote tbe funniest thing ever
written? He wouldn't even know!
I bet most people have stopped
reading by now. The only people who are
still reading are probably tbe copy editor
(hi Ailee!) and my Mom (Stop reading.
It's called a student paper, you old hag).
If you're not Ailee or my Mom, tbank
yeu. Really, I appreciate it. Hey, you know
what? I'm gonna buy you something.
Seriously, shoot me an email saying you
got this far, and I'll totally get you, like, I
don't know, a book or something. I mean,
you sure do like to read!
Oh, shit. You know why nobody's
reading? I forgot to put in a zingy first
line. Okay, okay, let's just start over.
What is the sound of no people
reading?
Read the rest
online at
backdoor.com*
Preparations have already begun for the summer and fall school
touring season. Knife-Corn, a newly engineered species similar to
corn, but with knives on it, has been perfected and is already being
seeded across the Pac-man lawn. Murder-monkeys, a newly en
gineered species similar to monkeys but.. .well, you get the idea,
are being air-dropped into the wooded areas surrounding Watzek
Library. Also, administrators and tour guides are taking classes oni
how to be really mean. Activities Corner *Except don't, that's probably
porn. But do like us on Facebook
and follow @TheBackdoorLC.
Contestants will be pulled at random from the pool of visiting
students, divided by state, and thrust into an arena to battle to the
death. Yes, we know that nobody from New York goes here, so
some of the people from California will be forced to fight for that
state. Event attendees can expect brutal violence, heartbreakingly
stupid love-triangles, and free Papa John's pizza. Come root for
your favorite state! The victor gets a goody bag. One of These Things is
Not Like the Others!
Backdoor is a not work of humor or fiction. It is truth, and should be taken literally ... APRIL FOOLS!
APRIL FOOLS APRIL FOOLS APRIL FOOLS! 1 ma-~ rer.R11.tly reviewing 11ictures th.at I took
over tlte weekend, aud l 1toticed something
fisl,y. Could ym, pll'ase help ,ne dt•tennine
wltich plctr,re I.oaks out-of-place?
'll{ u ;:np wo:g puo:>;)S s1 OT<l