Lewis & Clark College

The Pioneer Log: Lewis & Clark College's Student-Run Newspaper

Volume 65, Number 14

Lewis & Clark College Student Newspaper

Pioneer Log Staff

2001-04-01

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Lewis & Clark College: Pioneer Log / Mossy Log

the
•
Volume 65, Number 14 Sunday, April 1, 2001 http://www.lclark.edu/-piolog/
Bon Appetit
considers
improved
food
ep r t·on
techniques
page2
ooney
• ·eceives
page4
Deoonsbudion
unearths
LC's
conservative
ast
pag 9
Campus
hoax
revealed
page 10 =M===ossy~•h•===Lo:.Q:g=F =====News========
covu
PHOlO (~OM COUfGf'S WE8 SITE
GIIAPHIC AAT IY MEAGHAN LAMWl
the Mossy log
M£MIJCR5 Of TH£ ROYAL Couu
Out-tu MEAGHAN LAMARRE
DUCHESS EAIN HAICK
Su~ JO£ CLOCK Of THE I\OUNO lARU
Covor Jmat AE Mnz
LORD COAFr LONG
P•INCE AMON LANDAU
MINtSTCR Of AOVUtTl!t-lNO SAAAH
HILL
ROYAi.. ADVISOR PotR CHRIS HNSON
You're readm_g the
Mossy Log. IL is
entirely fiCLiLious.
These arucles are to
be read in the
humorous light in
which Lhey were
wnuen. We
apologize in advance
for offending you,
buL we suggesL you
clon'L take yourself so
se1iously
Tius issue of the
paper is dedicated to
our faithful plinter,
Whoopi, and our
dedicated staff.
The Pioneer log serves
to inform the lewis &
Clark community on
issues of concern to
students. We are
committed to the free
and articulate expression
of ideas. We do not
discriminate based on
ethnicity, gender, sexual
orientation, disability,
age or class. We reserve
the right to refuse to
print any advertisement,
submission, or article
that does not meet the
standards of the Pioneer
Log.
Advertisements, Letters
to lhe Editor and
Editorials do not
necessarily reflect the
opinions of lhe Pioneer
log or Lewis & Clark
College.
We welcome forum
submissions from
students and letters to
the editor from anyone.
letters to the editor
must include the
author's name and
phone number for
verification purposes
and must be limited to
400 words. They may be
edited for style, clarity
and space
considerations. Send
correspondence by mail,
fax or electronic mail to:
The Pioneer Log
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Rd, MSC 121
Portland, OR 97219
phone: (503) 768-7146
fax: (503) 768-7130
E-mail:
piolog@lclark.edu
htlp;//www.lclark.edu/
-pio/og
The Pioneer Log is funded by
your student fees. Bon Appetit considers implementing
improved food preparation techniques
by Norvflle Rodgers
The non Appctil foo<l service
is cons1dcrmg impleml!nling
s0111.c revolutionary changes to
11s curren1 lood preporation
techniques in F,cld's Dining
Room.
The new techniques that the
food service ,s cons,dcring in­
volve exposing meats and ot..hcr
foods to high temperatures £or
relauvcly long periods of time.
These 1cchniqucs would require
1 he Bon 10 purchase new equ tp·
mcnt nnd n.:Jurb1sh .some o( Its
old equipment. Also, employees
would have 10 be 1r.11ned on how
,o use lht: new eqmpmcm.
The new technique. co111,-
111011ly called "cookmg: 1s sa,d
10 grcnli) reduce 1hc bactcri.,
coment ol meats, :ind enhance
1hc nnvor and texture ur vcg­
c1ablcs like potatoes. This 1e<:h-
111que would especially improve
1he qualny of the chicken 1lrn1
llon Appc111 serves 10 s1uckn1s.
When exf)Osed to the techniques
of "cooking" chicken loses us
reddish pmk color and bloody
JUICes ··cooked" chicken Is ,en-dct and while. When 1hc short
haired Ind)' 1ha1 s1amfs b)' 1hc
door sometimes heard abou1 the
new tcchntqttl"' she said, .i\Vow,
l lhink that this 1s somctbmg we
could really use a1 Lewis &
Clark I mean, L 1hough11ha1ju>1
killing I he anunals was enough,
cooking them would bring us I<>
the nex1 kvd. •·
Primary concerns uvcr the
new tcchnique:s rt.:\•Olvc arounc.l
1hc adch11onnf cost of eqmpmcnt
and labor ti l'ht. Bl'ln were: 1ll
'cook" food. "Cn<>king• n:quires
the use of a device known ns an
..oven " \Vhik there :ire rumnr-;
th:11 Hon Appctit owns one of
these dcv1cc..s, ii would cert.uni~•
be a very c.1rlv n1odcl. 11nd is cer­
t.Un not 10 h-avc l>cen usc<l sh1ce
the m,d 1950s ~l the latest. The
foot! service has been suffering
massive nnnndal losses by sm­
dcntsexcccding 1hc one piece or
ln,n per person limn when
bnng,ng [ootl ou1 of the Bon,
and ii is unccrt~in whet her they
would be .,b)c to.afford the na111-
ml g:,s, ur ln the case of 1hc
"oven" rumorccl h) be current!}
In pince buffalo chips, necessary
Crime Beat
by Safe T. Officer
3-28-01
Campus Safety investign1ed reports of ,·:mdaliza11011 :and f><>wcr
outages in lower campus. Several power Jines were rQund on lhc
ground, chewed 1hrough. The officer no1iccd a large pile of mus
-and singed hair nc:ir 1he severed Imes, nnd ii is suspec1ed 1hc
' fomous squirrels of LC were making a power pin)• during tJ,e Recd
inv:1.sion. T_raps arc being set. and stud~nLSarcadviscd to not leave
1he,r dorms until ihe pcrpe1r.11or:sare caught
3-29-0 l
Campus Safely noticed 1hc smcll'of maniuana wafting from
1he Manor liousc. lnvcs1iga1ion revealed a sky-high College Pn:sl•
den1 Michael Mooney Drug parnphcnalia w11s conriseatcd and a
rcpon was filed wilh Residence Life.
3-29-01
A Bon Appc111 d,cucmn w:,s arrested for fraud The maccura­
cies pre.sen, In llon Appe111 promo1lonal maierial .mcl meal plan
lnfonna1lon were found 10 be 'grossly negligem in providmg ac­
curate dietary information 'Complaints cnn be forw.,rdcd 10 Rcs,­
dcncc life.
3-30-01
Commurucauons Prorcssor Peter Christenson was 31TCSlcd ror
allegedly brainwashing several of his students. As a result of m­
volvemen1 inn projec, anal)'l:ing contemporary music v1clcos, 1he
students i11 question an: unable lO remember 1heir name or vital
lnforma11on (10 say nothing of their schoolwork) The)' c111, how-
ever, mimic mipcccably the dance steps to every 'NSync song in
existence.
News Briefs
Road construction to begin
again, boost campus morale
College Prcsidenl Michael
Mooney would like 10 announce
1ha1, giv,n 1he overwhelmingly
posiuvc response his uffice re­
ceived about I he summer road
construction outside Lewis &t
Clark, 1hc same con1rac1or and
crew have been rehired to pcr­
fonn more road widc.ning and
improvement measures. •we
had prospective students ancl
their parents just ccs1atic about
the projee1!" said Michael Sex­
ton. The project is expcc1cd to
take over ten monlhs, and is
scheduled 10 begin in Septem­
ber. Pioneer Log produces flawless
issue of student newspaper
Thccampu.<wi,sshocked l:m
week 10 realize nha1 the siaff uf
1 he Pioneer Lor, had published
a nawless issue of the. ncwspa•
per. Having conic lo cxpec1 ty•
pographic:il errors and factual
inconsi.stcnc1es, the LC commu­
nity scoured the pap<,r for mis•
takes and found none. The stall
omibutcs 1hc improvcmcm 10 hs
new copy editor, Aaron La.ndau.
"Don't ge1100 used to ii." said
Editor-Ln-Chic:f Meaghan
L-i.marrc.
Also in the news, Pioneer Log
advisor Peter Christenson a1-
1ended last week's story meeting. lO run an ,.oven. n
Ant11hcr uf the food services
concerns 1s 1ha1 1i II actually
"'cooked" its mc:us, !ti udc.nt!>
might actually ca, them forcing
1hcm 10 buy mon: food 1han 1hcy
• curren1ly do. One Bon Appc111
ofricl:ol s.,id, "We depend on Sll•·
dents paying c,gh1 dollars for n
potato and a s;tl:id Jr they started
L-atmg meat, I don', know whal
we would du."
l'HOiO JRO,",\MAYI~ COM
SAAB SCOOP:
The ABuzz' about SAAB
by the SAAB Master
Inn groundbreaking dec1s1on
1wo weeks ago, SAAB decided 10
fuse all of its grnnc caiegories
illl0 one: the Most Honorable,
Distinguished SAAB Member
Fund for Personal Adv:mcemcm
nncl E111ightcnmen1 Curren,
chair of S1\1\ll, 1he mysterious
cn111y known only ns the SAAB
Master, was quoLed :is S.1)'mg,
"'hS:i.bou1 tum.· 1hm wcacknowl•
edge and fmanct"IIY suppon
Lewis & Clark's mosl valuable
:u;oHJctnit: resources· ourselves!"
Thi, new fund w,11 be used by
S,\AB members for l\111100, re­
~carch, conrcrcncc foes, man1-
curcs. cxpcn.c;:1Ve clessc rts, per­
sonal retreats lO B:ili. ,mcl c:xotu.:
cock1all clnnks
Th.is decision was nl:ldC wn h
the bcs1 interests of 1hc s1ude111
hody in mind. The Board feh
1ha1 SAAB members' personal
happiness w.ts c-rf1.1c:1.l for I he
well-being of the 111s1ilu11on. •1
re-all)• feel like th1, decision 15 a
step m the right dircctton," smd
Physics re1,resc111a1lve S11non
Sponbcrg. "For y,ars, we've
been funding other people's
projcet, .tnd haven', been fJilY·
mg ancnuon 10 the JOY 1ha1 is
ourstlvcsl llesidcs. I've always
wanted 10 have a villa ,n the
South or France."
ln a similar clcc,s,on, SAAB
also decided 10 eliminate its
popular tutoring program and
use the money to hire u person_:1I
masseuse for each SAAB mem­
ber.
Kaysic Studdard, fonncr Tu­
toring Director and now Chief
Director of Masseuse Quality
Conirol, said, "l don't really
think that our students need tu­
tors. Nu, of course 1hey don't.
What Lhcy need is a harsher workmg cnvlronmcnt. Besides.
lurrng masseuses for .>A-1\D
members as a much bet Lcr use or
our s1udc111 recs. and I'll work
10 ensure 1hai only 1he h1ghcs1
quality masseuses arc hired ...
These rcvolu,ionnl')' dcc1-
s1uns can be nunbmcd to SAA8's
new focuhy advisor, Ass1srn111
Pmrcssor of Philosophy John
Fntzman. Dr. Fruzmnn's uncon­
vcnuon:,I methods nncl sclr•m-
1crcsted ,deals really unpressed
1he Board
"Kla,,s (51\AB's ronner lacuhi•
advlSurJ nc\•cr cvrn hmtccJ '11:11
SAAB could be used for matcrml
personal gam," said Biology rc1>­
rcscn1a11veJesse Elhs. ·11 took a
brilhani mmd like Frnzman's 10
open our eyes 10 1he untold pos­
s1b1l111es!• Dr. Fritzman plans 10
"go 10 Pans 10 do . . research.
yes that's 11, research!'
ln other SAAB news, ASLC
V,cc Prcsidcn I for Smdcm Aca­
dem ,c Affairs Buzzy Nielsen
m~de :i pact w11h S:unn m order
10 hecom1.: the: d:uk, powcrlul
entity known as 1he SAAB Mas•
1cr, Grand E,al1ed Lord of All
Things Acade11uc. With his new
found powers, 1he SAAB Master
will begm cnacung his own Mas­
lC.r Plan wluch w,11 mcludc ab­
sorp11on or1hc mcmal powers ot
all professors 111 order 10 Iced his
massive 1111ellcc1ual hunger fol­
lowc<J by savage conquest of
Recd College and Portland S1a1e
Umvers11y by h,s' dark nunions
of Academia.
Applicauons 10 be on SAAB
for the 2001-02 academic year
arc now available. Including
cash, credit cards, real estate, or
blood oaths of fealty 10 1hc
Grand Exalted Lord of All
Thmgs Academic will grca1ly
help your chances of being cho­
sen.
2 Mossy Log April 1, 2001 ========News=====MO=?§Y=•h•L=og=
Graduation rate
falls below zero
by Aaron D. Blackwell
Las1 \Vcdncscby 1hc
rcg1s1rnr·s ofru."C released a report
cunflrm111g that l.cwis & Clark
Colleges grnduatton ra1c h;:1.:.
follcn hdow zero. "The problem
1sn·1 'iO much wnh currcm stu­
clc111.s not lc~wing os it lS with
alumni realizing thnt tltl') h:wc
no dt-s1rc le> be in 1 he 'rl.'111 world'
and rmchng one w~l)' or a1\othc4r
to come ba~k. • said rcgis1rar Ddl
Smnh at a Thursdny press con­
rcrcncc io chscrn•s 1hc report
The repori revenled thn
alumm lmvc manipulated their
1ranscrip1s by 111e1hods both le­
gal and illcg,11 so 1hn1 1bey now
appear 10 be wrrently enrolled
st uclcnts The mc1hods used
rnngc from hncking ttHO c:0111-
pmers 10 convincing professors
10 chnnge pre\11ously issued
gracks
•1 never co111plc1cd my art
rcqu1rcmcm," sai<l Nick Perera,
fonnerly o[ the 2000 clnss. wi1h
a grrn. Mr. Perera had jusl con­
vinced rnusic inslf\.lClOr Joseph
W:11crs 10 change his electronic
music grade from an A to nn F
"I-le really did do piss poor
work," said Wa1crs in defense of
his actions.
r=or alumni, there nrc a 111.un­
bC'rof reason~ to rctun, to school
"It's just ,ha1 working sucks so
much; confided former gradu­
ate Brenda So<lowsky. 24. ,.I want
mi glo,ry days h.ttk1" Sodowsky,
sia1 u.s cl roppcd from gm.du:uc to
freshman last foll. due lO a num­
ber or incomplete classes.
• h's all ahout the sex,' soiu
Ben McClelland, who thought
he hacl gr:iduntecl last December
u1111l he was-111lormc~l 01hcrwisc
carhcr this week .,Do )'OU have
any ulca how much more sc.-.: I
had m college?"
The trend l(hV~u<l ncgati\lc
grndun1ion rates is nol isolotecl
10 Lewis & Clark College. Other
collcgc-s in the nation have ex•
pcricnccd simibr phenomena. 11
has become almost impossible
for s1udcnts lO graduate from
high school In C.1lifornia, due 10
the lack of space in 1hc s1a1c
university sys1cm. '' The problem isn't so
much with current
students not leaving
as it is with alumni
realizing that they
have no desire to be
in the 'real world' and
finding one way or
another to come
back.
Dell Smith
Registrar ___ ,,
"h's a real problem." said
Lewis & Clark life trustee Roh­
en Pamlin, Jr. Dr. Pamplin re­
cently had LO cancel h Is new
newspaper, Tl1r Portland T,i#Jwu\
when he found Olli that none or
his five tlcgrces had been prop­
erly completed. He will be liv­
ing in Stcwarl hall beginning
nexl fall. "I can't t:ike all ol that
drinking and JH)isc they have
down in those 01hcr halls.•
Edgar Twccb, professor or
economics at the Univershy or
California at Berkeley has wnt­
ten on I he trend for 1hc New York
Timcs nnd il1r Econvmi.~I.
•1 thmk this is :1 real leading
im.hi:at\>r tll.tt \\'l~ .ire t."111crmg ,1
petiod of negative ccnnomic
grow1h; said Tweeb.
\.Vhc.-n asked to commcm ol
whcLhcr l hl' poor economy was
co using tht" phenomena. or vice
vcrs:1, Twceb rc£uscd to com•
mcm, snying only, "There is n
definite correlation, lnu I ca11'1
spc.C'ula1e nhout cause. Negative
growth is negative growth."
In an cv\'n more clram:uic ex­
pression ,,f I he trend extending
beyond the college community,
a forty-fi"e ye:irold mRn, Daniel
Foon, recently 1ried 10 climb
bnck 1n10 his n'IOlhcr's womb in
South Antwerp, Georgia.
"I weren't comfortable, I'll tell
you that," said Elizebeth J'oon,
Daniel Foon"s mother. P.rof. Eisinger joins usofter side"
by Cyrus Partovi
111 a recent Pmvosl's Council
forum, poli11cal science proks­
sor Robert Eis111ger tuok the po­
chum to clear nny misconccp-
1 ions 4lbou1 hiS pcr~onnlu >~
"People think I'm being a
Jerk," he said "Well, I mny be .1
jerk, but 1'111 no1 trymg 10 be a
Jerk at tins tune·
rh1!> w,,s l!Js111gcr's first pub ..
he suucmcnL on has recent
chnngcs III personality :md .,ca•
tlcrmcs.
"1¢1'0 8V MOS'SY lOG. Sl.A+'f "I don't kno" what's goncn
tmo hun," ,111d ~cnior poliucal
science nt.tjor Sh,tnnon lknfidd­
lllankrnship. • All of :1 sudden hr
srnrtcd ns,lgmng only 200 page;
of re,uhng a night. We were usetl
to Ju, 500 page as,s,gnmcnts anti
we Sttlrtc<l to worry about ]um ... Professor Robert Eisinger speaks out about how he has
"lightened up" and taken a position in the So/ An
department. Notice the small smile on his face.
Sophomore Oliver Tuholskr
disapproves of 1hc change. •we
were supposed to read 1hrec
more book; before the end of the
tenn and now we're only gomg
to get 1hrough one or them. And
he cancelled all the reserve read­
I ng! How arc we supposed to
learn anything?"
Ano1her senior political sci­
ence major, Eliz:nbcth Young,
likes 1he new Elsinger, "Af1er
four ycnrs with hun, he finally gave me nn A+ on my I.as, pa­
per! I don~ know what$ goucn
into him, but I like the new Roi>­
crlt·
Curtis Johnson :ind the other
mcmberso[ the political science
department do not approve of
the recent changes in 1hcir col­
league and vo1ecl 10 ask Eisinger
10 resign nl thctr recent depart­
ment meeting.
Speaking for the depanmen1,
Johnson said, "We've used
Eisinger to sc.irc
people o[I for
)'Cnrs now. Thr
new E1singe1
docsn'I fii m here:
poliucal science
Isn't the place for
kinJ-he.irt<•d
people.·
The an-
Shown here threatening an intro to
politics class, Eisinger had a reputation
for scaring students and assigning the
entire library for Spring Brea!< reading. nouncement or
ElsingcrS rcsigna-
11on wns made :it
3 r,-..:.ulty meeting
uvn Spring
break Address•
Ing his former
colleagues with a
tea, In his eye,
Eisinger sa,d,
·• ror years l'vc
been a h,ircl­
noscd prolcssor:
trying my best to
scare away sn1-
clcn1s in the r,rs1
week of class, 10
assign more re.id-ing 1han they eoulJ handle and
to never g,vc an A on a paper
And I was good at i1, 100 D:unn
good Bui I've seen I he ligh1 and
I realize 1ha1 our s1uclcn1S need
10 be coddled, helped along But
my colleges in the pohtic:tl sci­
ence depan111cn1 have made 11
ekar that this is 1101 an appro­
priate teaching philosoph)' I will
be leaving at l he end of 1l11s week
10 pursue a career in Florida
1caching the elderly how 10 vo1c
correctly."
As Eismgcr stepped down
from the poclium, sodology/an-
1 hropology professor Bruce
'Podubn,k stood up and an­
nounced 1ha1 1hcre was an ()pen•
mg in hts dcpartmenj 1[ Eisinger
would hkc to Jottl lhrm.
"We :ipprccia1c your teaching
philosophy aml we would love
,o have )'OU jom u< on 1hc sorter
s1clc of social science," i nvned
Podobnik.
Wuh tears m tlmr eyes the
two professors embraced and the
deal wa..< scaled Begmnmg next
semester, Eismgcr will teach a
vanety of sociolog)' courses in·
eluding "Quasi-Quan1i1a11vc Re­
search Methods" and ··1n1roduc•
lion 10 Variables." His office is
now lorntcd m Aibany; it 1s the
one wtt h I he upside down
American flag on the door.
Sources also suggest 1ha1 profes­
sor Eisinger mar wk~ on the po·
,c;;uion ol atl"1c;or to the Radic:11
Action Group nex1 year.
Callahan holds class without mentioning Ellison
by Ralph Wiggum
S1ltdCnl$ were stunned Mon­
day when English/Lnven1ing
America professor John
Callahan conductc<l an entire
class period withouL mentioning
author Ralph Ellison. Ellison's
prcsrncc m lnveming Amcric3 is
well established, since Ellison's
novel l11vi.siblt A,fou is required
rent.ling for the class• second sc­
mcstt.·r.
"Even 1hough we're s1ud)'lng
the Manhatt:tn PmJcct, Professor
Callahan always manages 10
suck Ellison in 1hcrc some•
when\ .. s:1id rrcshm:tn Sludcnt
Jr11nic C,1rtN .. EIIL!>on's name is
my CllC tha1 I'm in 1hc right
classtoom."
As dnss drew to a dose and
Ellison had yet 10 be applied, sLUdent.s grew uneasy.
'll was 1crriblc," said Mark
Ellis. "You jus1 expect cenain
prokssors to do certain things,
lO conducl the class in an orderly
manner. \Vhcn class enclcd and
that greal man's name had still
not been mcntione<l, we pan•
ickecl."
The classroom suffered dam ..
ages when ltrrificd students bc­
g,u1 lO revolt, unsure of wha1 to
do next
"\Ve can'l fonclion wilhl,ut
Ellison's gllidnncc!" shouted
one:.
C.1mpus Safety was called,
nnd :1ftcr calming smdc11ts, of­
ficers trnn~poncd Callnhan 10 nn
undctennincd mental hospital in
southeast PonlnncL There he
w1l1 unclcrgo tests to dclcm1inc
competency and possible rca• sons for 1hc slip.
"Callahan's speeches on
Ellison are renowned through­
out 1he eollntry," said Jane
Atkinson. Provost or !he Col­
lege.
Even Michael Sexton, Dean or
Admissions, scolded Cnllahan.
"People cilc this as a deciding
fo.ctor in thl'ir choice to come
here," he s.1id. "h'.s unncceplablc
that Callahan docs not l'ulhll this
cxpcct:111011 in his classes.'"
"l111ng111c 11' a billlogy prol'cs­
sor dltln't mention Dar\l•'lrl dur•
mg every le.ourc,,. said Dean or
the College Cums Johnson.
.imlison is a similurJy 1mpon:mt
Ogurc in Amcncnn lnstory. Over­
looking Ellison for even one
class is akin to reJe.:1iun of the
cn1irc social sciences ideology
nnJ plulosoplty" Professor John Callahan has been taken to a hospital for
the mentally ill after failing to mention Ralph Ellison in his
Inventing America lecture last Friday. Doctors are trying to
determine the cause of this slip while administrators are
searching for appropriate repercussions.
April 1, 2001 Mossy Log 3 Moss)!Log News========
Mooney receives high honor Earthquake strikes
Portland; LC Master
Plan Ten Years Ahead by Agnes Flanagan
Officiols last week at the
Valican announced lhat -a ntw.
unexpected
saint would be added to the
pantheon of hohcs. Pope John
Pnul 11 announced th:11 Lewis &
Clark College Pres,dcnt Michael
Mooney would be lnductecl 11110
the sainthood. His Holmcss
came 10 th is decision ofter he•
ing visited by a choir of angels
singing Mooney's praises ,net
deep, powerful voice from the
This painting of St. Mooney
will reside in the Vatican
museums but a copy will
grace our Manor House. heavens detailtng Moone)"s
mrtny accomplishments.
• Henceforth, President
Mooney will become Saint
Mooney, the patron saint of
fund~miscrs everywhere," snid
the Pope. ·we can only hope
that his dedication to his work
and his clear dc\'Otlon to an un~
known higher power will pro•
vide inspiratitln for people
at·ross the globe."
"Even though Jesus preached
against the money-changers in
the temple, we Ice! that
Mooney's work has " highc.r, al•
trmstic purpose. The Lord works
in mysterious ways "
Mooney will continue to
work at Lewis & Clark, but will
be spending even more tlmc
away from the school as his tlme
is demanded by the Vatican.
There is talk of Mooney sc.lling
his condo In the KOIN Tower
and residing in a villa in the
Medhcrrnncan.
Mooney says that 1his came
as a complete shock to him. In
:tn interview, he discussed fund­
raisingsinucgics, an<l where the
money can be best pu1 10 use.
"Everyone knows that a well•
groomed, attrac1ivc environ•
men1 is of ten more important lO
learning than the octu.11 material
being taught. If students can
look outside and see flowering His Holiness Pope John Paul
11 recently conferred upon
President Mooney the
honor of sainthood.
shrubbery 1ha1 complements the
grounds of ,he College. 11 doesn't
really ma11er ·that the buildmgs
tht)' arc inside arc unsafe and i 11-
equipped:
Members of Lewis & Cbrk's
tt,1dical Action Gtoup arc pro•
testing Mooncr's s;1i111hood.
"It's all well and good to sur•
render free will LO a. series of
unproven myths like Christian­
ity, but when you attach to thls
mythology a man who has dem­
onstrated his lack of caring for
the U'wa and countless oLhcr
non-wealthy groups, you jus11fy
oppression in the name ol
profit." by Michael Sestric
A 9.8 carthquak<> ripped
through Pon land and tl1c greater
Willamette Valle)' last week. lcv•
el111i: rhc cny and causmg untold
loss ofhfe Lewis & Clark. while
:1w:1y from the
('p1cenlcr. was
nonetheless
damaged when
almost all of
the 40-)'enr•
old temporary
buildings
(Tha,1er.
Throckmorton,
and Edmonds)
crashed to the ground Also de•
stroycd were I be Huddleson
houses. already under de-con•
s1ruc11on. Strangely. the rubble
left from the quake was swal­
lowed by the ground soon after.
111 a press conference af1er the
quake, I.C President Michael
Mooney claimed rcsponsibilny
for the qua.kc.
"My recent sainthood gives
rnc. access to the powers of God:
said Mooney. "In tins case. an
cnnhqunke seemed the most cf.
fective way 10 speed up con­
strucuon. \.Vhh 1hc: demolition
Property battle commences over Chapel
by Jim Rockford
Administrators and lmvycrs
arc preparing LO go to court ti)
sculc a property dispute that•
arose earlier this mon1h when
lawyers representing a man who
has been abroad for the past
thirty )'Cars demanded tl,at the
college vacate I he Agnes
Flanagan Chapel, daiming Lha1
their client is the rightful owner.
The plaintiff, 1demi11ed as •
Mr George Jetson, claims that
the building that Lewis & Clark
hos been using ,s a chapel since
the 1960s is Ins home, nnd that
the college did not legally pur•
chase it from hnn. Jerson ha.s
been in Orbit City sinrc l 969
and claims thnl he was unaware
that Lhc college had been using
the building as a chapel. IJ11le~s they ean produu
documents demonstrating a le•
gal purchase of the property the
college has little hope for victory
ill COllrt While the building is
su rroundcd by college property,
and as ndminism11ors claim ac­
wally on college property. much
of the building docs not acwally
touch the ground, a foct that
Jetson~s lawyers art sure to use
to lheir advantage.
"'Come on now, it's the year
2001. Who buys ground space
these days? That's like driving n
car that can't 0)1,"' stated an in­
dignant Jctson.
Jctson's employer, Spaccly
Space Sprocket's Co., will pro·
vlde him with a legal team Af
ter pressing a butlon each clay
for the past forty years, Jctson
has become an txtrcmely v:ilu-
4 Mossy Log April 1, 2001 The futuristic design of the Agnes Flanagan Chapel is one
of the key points of Jetson 's claim to the property.
able asset to the company, who
cannot afford to lose him to a
stroke or bad luck.
Jc1son lived ·in our current
chapel \Vith his family including
Jane, his wife, daughter Judy,
and his boy Elroy.Jctson olso has
a dog named Astro.
1\ key witness in 1he upcom•
ing property dispute is sure to
be 1hcJeison's robot maid Rosie, who has, for the past few years,
occupied a place in front or the
Gallery or Contemporary Art
n"t 10 her love interest and rc1.
low robot, Ronaldo, who was an
employee or the caretaker of the
Jetson's home..
Rumors arc circulatlng that if
a loss in court seems imminent
President Mooney plans to seek
asylum lo Italy. of those old buildmgs, the Mas•
tcr Plan is ten years alu:~-d ol
schedule and our budget has
been cons,dcrahly conserved •
Contmcwrs h;wc rccvalu:11cc.l
d1c. conslrucuon needs for th(·
campus "' hght ol ,he quake,
and have found tbat LC 1s lor
ahead ol schedule. Work can im­
mediately bcgm on new office
butldmgs and classrooms.
ornc,als both rns1de and Olli·
side 1hc school were qu,ck to
praise Mooney's ingcmous use nf
Cod'swmth.
Dean of the Chapel Mark
Dun1ky was also pleased.
.. By usmg God as an ac11 vc
agent for change a1 1he College,
I think Prcs,dcm Mooney 1s set•
1111g an excellent example of I he
good thal can come lrom :.1
l11ghcr power." he said.
News Brief
Matt Jubitz renounces
worldly possessions;
sky cracks open
1 n a surpnse :mnounccmcm
Friday, senior Rehg10us Stucl,cs
maJor Ma1thcw Jubitz declared
his con rem pt lor "all things 1cm·
poral" and "passions of the
llcsh". Clad only ma lomclo,h,
Jubitz 111:tdc h1s pronouncemc111
to a stunned auchencc m from
c,[ 1he hbmr)', haranguing the
spec1a1ors for their '"covetous
11a1ure". and condc1nning his
own past glonfication of ,..wine,
women, and song"'. At lhc end
ol 111s Lwcnt)•-1nimnc chatribc,
Jubirz proceeded 10 pour onto
the ground the cnnrc contcms
ol a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue
Label Sc0teh Wlnskc)', valued at
over $130.00. Alm1Jst unmed1-
atcly thereafter the Willamette
could be seen running red wnh
blood and names.
"Ar first I thought he was just
blackccl ou, or had lost a bet,"
said senior Alec Metz, a long
tirne drinking companion of
Jubitz's. "But the whiskey 1lnng
at the c,,d was too much. even
for him. The boy ain't right."
After his speech. Jubitz de­
clared his intenlion 10 walk 10
Guadalu1>e 10 receive 1hc bless,
ings "or our most blessed
mother, 1he virgin." As 1[ 10 fur,
ther coitnrm his slide into clc,
mcmia,Jubilz then gave a pass-~
ing panhandler the keys to h,s
BMW 32Si, 01 which point the
sky crackecl open ,nd [our
horsemen appeared on the hori­
zon. As of press tintc uncon­
firmed reports have Indicated
that Jubitz had donated all the
rest of his wealth. except his
loincloth, a staff, and a Holl'
Bible, to the Save the CMldrcn
Fund. =====Features===M~O§~yL~~=
Another One
of our
Incredible
Page5
Womyn!
April 1, 2001 Mossy Log 5 =::M===io~r-l::·"·5:i1--o:Q.;::g ====Campus Wars====--=
e s
by Mossy Log staff
TI1c riv-air)' bc1wecn tcwas &
Clark nnd Recd colleges came
10 n head last Wednesday when
4jllldcms from Recd crossed Lhc
nvcr separntmg the two Lcrrllo­
ncs and Invaded the Lewis &
Clark campus. This Is the mos1
recent example of a scnt.s or m­
e ad en ts between the two
schools.
11 m1gh1 be argued 1hai the
ahercation was 1111ua1cd b)'
Lewis & Clark studcms. namely
by this newspaper, in scodmg
spies 10 Ree<l las1 November.
This newspaper received
, hrcatcnmg letters from mem­
bers of the Recd c(>1nnntntty 111
res1>onsc to I he espionage.
The s1nkcs were upped when
Recd rc1aha1cd agams1 this net
of espionage wtth petty ,·andnl-
1sm. In early February, s1udcn1s
rrom Recd trespassed on our
campus and etched the word
·'Reed" 11110 the bottom of 1hc
rcncctmg pool.
Bui 1hc vnndahsm didn~ stop
1herc. Early m March, vandals
from Reed once again en­
croached on our territory. This
ume their target wns 1he 1rea•
sured John Buck s1a111es oms1de
1hc hbrary. Recd,es defiled our
srntue by dccora1111g II w11h a n
Recd T-shtrt. Grounds crews
were quick 10 remove 1he blas­
phemous decora11on. Bul 1hc
dnmnge hnd been done
On Monday, March 21>. lhc
conn1c1 between the 1wo school<
cscalalcd The S1udcn1 Union of
Recd College launched a scncs or devaslating raids at targets
across the Lewis & Clark Cam­
pus.
Ci I mg LCS rcput:mon as ... a
vocauonal school" Recd S1uclem
Body President David L.
Pimplcton Ill ordered 1hc de­
sm1c11011 of the LCs media OUl•
lets, science facilmcs, nnd fine
art foc1lmcs :u :,1. Recd campus
keg party Sunday mght "Trus,
me, I know these assholes." he
was reported ns saying, "1hcy'rc
,he same ones who used 10 ig­
nore me m l11gh school."
Jus1 hours ahcr P1111plc1011's
announcement, fighting off
wicked hangovers clespttc bemg
"high as shil" after consummg
1wo lines ol speed per person,
the Recd shock troops sc, ou1 on
self-made bicycles and de­
scended upon LC.
The r1rs1 target was the KLC
office. Members or 1hc Recd ra­
clio station commandeered our­
saauon and began bro,idcasung
on Monday mommg. The r.,dw
s1a11on served as Lhc means or us, incite vi e ce
l'HOIO IY MOSSY lOG UAH
In their first act of terrorism, Reedies etched the word "Reed" into the bottom of the
reflecting pool last semester.
cornnmnicanon among the Recd
troops Since no one lis1ens 10
KLC, tins W;\S an effective and
ye, secrc1Lvc way for the Rcedics
to send orders,
,HDlO IY MOSSY lOC lTAlf The next target wa5 the LC
science facili11es There Recd
1roops secured l:1rgcquan1ities or
gecko glue rrorn 1hc lulrnl Kellar
Amumn They used 1his glue 10
scale wnlb .u1d tnke over 1he
ub~crvtuu1-y .. 1s. ., ,-..•,uch wwc-r.
As the few LC students
gmdu.1lly became aw""' ol the
st1bt>1nge ~H.:c.:.urring around
1hem, ntQ'-1 gathcrcc.1 -arm" ,,ml
,cl out h• tr.u::l, dt1".'11 the ln..,ur­
gcnl Rcccl1es.
The 1wo ,1rm1c~ inct ca1.h
01ber on the lawn down l!n
lower rnrnpus and f1gh1111g he•
1('111
The newl)' cra:n1cd l':unrlln
Yo111h Corp,, under the d1rcc11on
uf L1cu1cnont Stephen lkckh:1111,
W3S on Lhe fron1 line.;, or 1hc LC
Infantry Lt Bcckh:im abu con­
vinced the member, uf the
P.implln Soclc1)' of Fellows
most or whom Imel been study­
Ing in 1hc hbmry all week, ll>
enlcst n.s well
Second m tommaml of 1hc
army was Dean of I hr College
Cunis Johnson The LC anny
suffered an initial setback us
Johnson and Beckham argued
11vcr how mall) n11l11ary com­
n1111ccs should be created
Though noa mvoh·cd 111 , he
flghung, the Radic;tl A~111>n
Group provided R,1,hcal Cheer-leaders 10 boost the aroops' mo­
mlc
Jane Atkinson, Provost of the
College, also helped 0111 by don­
ning a nurse's uniform and st,1•
ttoning hcrscll behind the Imes
10 .1dclrcs:. the first mu nceus of
her soldier,
Prcs1dcn1 Mithacl Moom.·v
wa, Ml present ror the bank .t>
he w,,s v.,c.,t1v111n~ in the
\'.1114,,,111 for ,pnng hrl'.lk \c. .t
rcsuh, his hnly p11w1·rs were of
no u.,c to 1hc struAAhng LLann)
After a rull L111y ul lntcn<c
ftghtmg, the Rced1cs multi tlolm
ilnlv a m-argrn.11 v1c1oq• 1 he
tlrugs h;iving pc11ked at the
height of ba11le, more Rcedtt-s
were cl.urned by fncndlr fire and
1hc deep, scaring need 10 shou1
dark al1!l introspculvc lrcc-fon11
pot•try th:m hy LC's CampusSc­
tun1y.
Tu be lair, Cam1>o'< Zach
Pcdcrs..·n dtd cat 1hrcc nf them,
and • deputized Adam Dixon
<cared the hell out ol anolhcr
r,,ur,
At pre.sent. r.unnmg low on
both crack-cocaine nml Pabst
Blue Ribbon, tht Recd lorccs
h"vc been pushed bark 10 l'or­
es1-Hnr1zreld It ts hoped th:tt hy
the end of spring brc:1k, thing,
un the I.C c:impus will have re•
wmed 10 nonnal
PHOTO l'I' MOU'f l.00 UAlf
Early this spring, vandals once again invaded our campus, this time desecrating our
statues with a Reed T-shirt. Over Spring Break the insurrection became more violent. Troops from both schools finally met on the lawn on lower
campus for a short but bloody battle,
6 Mossy Log April 1, 2001 ========~--Campus Wars=====---M""""o~ssy~h, L:=Sog2=
Investigation reveals Reed
c:t, ,rlAntc: received assistance
by Luke Skywalker
In 1lw ahcm1a1h or 1hc Recd
;111•ck. tnany LC students have
been wondenngJus1 how those
crn::y Rccches Lould have in•
va<lctl our 1,...,mpus ;md .,ch1cvcd
the succcs, 1hcy chd Our mves·
llga11on reveals 1ha1 1hcy had
help lrom the m<idc as well ns
the 0111:;1clc
It has been uncovered thnt
Recd had a man on the 111,ldc,
one who could help them gel 011
cnmpu~. toke over tlw rndio st.t­
uon, and w.1.gc then-w;ar. rh,11
111.111 wai. I rnv1s E. I uman
l·onncrly ., swdcm •• Recd
college, Litman 1.s :t scmor this
) car nt Lcw15 & C1nrk. Appar­
ently, however, he dtd 1101 rclm­
qu 1sh nil lies 10 hts former
school.
We have lcnmcd 1ha1 Litman
h:t."-been m frequent communi­
C;lllQn w11 h Ins c";. .. dassmall"S Jt
Recd. He was report eel ly cager
10 help when they proposl1toncd
hnn to be their Bcncdtcl Arnold.
\\'h11c 1rcason 1s no, an of­
lcnsecovcn:d by the code of con­
duct. 1he case will gn before
ChicfJusuccj,11111:s Christi< ne<t
week,
~. hen asked abolll h1s m­
volvcmcnl, Litman had lhtS to
S'1)': "When 1hc student hod)• Reed campaign.
refused 10 elecl me .,~ ASLC
Prcs1cle111 last ye.ir, the)' [oiled
tn) pl:m 11, ,k,1n,y the College
from wll hm So I had to enlist
the help of my [nends nl Recd.
And ii all would have worked,
cMep1 for you pesky k1dst•
More dci:nls or Lilman's ln­
volvctnclll will he revealed :if1cr
next week's urraignmenL.
Source, al Reed have leaked
to II~ .mu1 hu :.ourct: ~;)r Reed".
powl!r· • heir l:1hsm~101 1 he 0()ylc
Owl Scarcely more I han a
crudely carved stone, 1hc Owl ,s
actually a di,51an1 descendant of
Yoda and has rnas1crcd the pow­
ers of ,he force Rced,cs med 10
harness this power for 1hc1r a,­
saLth. bm were un~ut.ccsslul be•
cau,.r I hr Owl refused 10 work
for the Dark Side.
Even heip from their own talisman, the Doyle Owl, the Reed
army was unsuccessful in its attempt to seize our campus. Jealousy main
motivation for
Ree ack
by Mossy Log staff
In the aftennath of 1he Recd auack. the goal of 1hc
auack has surfaced Reed s1udc111s a,mcd 10 1ake over
the LC c-,mpusnnd create a Recd-West campus. 1\ per•
cc1vcd threat 10 Reed's 1111cllcc1ual dom1mmce and Jeal­
ousy over o,1r supenor fac1hucs remain 1he maJor
causes of 1he con01c1.
The r,1ids were reponedly m response 10 n perccwcd
threat by a bourgeoisie LC 10 1he rightful domam ol
Reed's lnpstcr community,
"The Clnrkics (LC StuclcnisJ were JUSI gc11mg 100
upp11y." commented Reed's student body Vtcc-pres1-
dcn1 Mcag,m Bcrkow1<~.spcakmg lrom tl,e prov1s1011al
field hcadq1rnr1crs set up in Hartzfeld D.
"For Christ's sake, there were seH-procl,imcd
Naderncs w11h IToyo1al 4runncrs. ,rnd they got 1hc
number one slot lor [The Princeton Rev1ew'sl ·Most
Godless Schools' Now don l gc1 me wrong, we·rc a
b,g fon ol LC's snnplc ways and their 1111ss1on 10 pro•
v1dc an educanon 10 the, well. less rnlcnted." she wcm
on 10 comment. ·'but enough 1s enough, For 100 long
they have scorned our supremacy among the Portland
in1cllec1ual cine.•
f...010 rt MOWI' Lot; STAIT
ApP.arenlly Reed students enjoy our beautiful and
inviting outdoor pool as much as we do. While the Rccd1cs clmm 1ha1 ,heir
rn(Hl\'311011 forwarrcsuhcd rrom 1heir
desire 10 reassert thctr supcnoruy as
1he supremely 1111cllec1ual college m
Portland. pohucal annlys1s arc skep-
11cal. The)' h)'pOt hcs1s that the maior
mohvauon was. 1n foct,JC.'llousy over
s1rucu.aral amen111cs
One ol 1hc key 1crrnones ,he
Rccdics wonted to procure was our
0111d<ibr pool. Whtie Rccd1es h"'•c
1 heir own outdoor pool, 11 1s walled
oll by 10 feet high cham link fcntL-s
wuh nlt\."'lf w,rc on 1op. So m\lch murr
mv111ng 1s our outcloor pool, bordcrc"<I
by .1 purely dccora11vc wrought mm
fence •• cspcetally w11h our convc­
mcml>1 placed garb3gc can for cm,y
ncccss
~ome Recd sold1crs were also ~t:cn
howmg w the monollllnc !)LatuC!t om­
side ,he hbrary. Apparently these idols
arc much cs1ccmed by the Rced1es.
,hough 1hey :ire scan:ely apprec1a1cd
by LC st udcnts.
In 1hc end, the war sculcd very
l111lc We s111l have a bener pool hut
they have a bctLcr oud11onum Un­
doub,cclly the f1gh110 be descnbccl by
the Pnnccwn Rcv1e,\1 as 1he "mosl
godless school" ur as the site of "reefer
Looking at this uninviting chain link fence with razor wire on top, it's little surprise that
Reed students would be jealous enough to try to commandeer our campus for themselves.
April 1, 2001 Mossy Log 7 ==Moss::::::=::yL:::::2::og ==More News====
Templeton rendezvous spurs Bielecki resignation
by Kenneth Starr
ASLC Prcs1dcn1 Joseph
61clcck1 resigned Monday, March
26 mmd a ha1ls1orm of al leg••
uons regardmg sexuaJ rmscon•
duc1. While mosl of 1he lcw1s
&-Clark studcnl t:Omt"nunny was
off cworung on spring hrcak,
B,ckck, held a press conference
to tender his resignauon and
explain h1s you1hful indiscrc•
Hons.
B1clcck1 w:1.s acc115ed or ab115-
1 ng 1hc power of his pohtical of­
r.cc, nncl his orfice space nsetr,
lo sohcit sc.-xual favors Late on
1hc nigh, or Sa1urday. Morch 24,
n young woman was seen duck•
ing oul of Biclecki's oll,ce on the
second s10ry ol Templeton Siu­
dent Ccnlcr
One witness. speaking on the
condnion 1hnt we do not reveal
h,s name as Jon Eldridge, de­
scribed 1he woman as, "brigl11-
cycd and coy, wnh -a cenain
poise 1hatsays, '<lon'1 call me, l'II
call you,"' The woman, ideml•
fled us Myrtle Douglas, is a
sophomore at Recd College.
Accoun1s of wh,11 actually
occurred in Biclccki's chambers
rem,m unclear. The dciails of
the alleged tryst will only be re­
vealed when the President gives
a deposition before ASLC Chic!
Jusllccjames Christie later this Joe Bielecki resigned on
Monday after it became
public that he had been
having an affalr with an
intern ... er ... Reedie.
mon1h I 111lc 1s known at
present :tboul Lhe cxac1 n~u ure
or the rrl:111onsh1p between
Bielecki and Douglas.
Nonethdcss. speculations
were Oymg among members of
1he ASLC cxccu1lvc council
abom Bielecki, nppro:1ch behind
dosed doors
"1'11 bet there was plcmy or
desk ac1ion.Joc strikes me as a
horizomal kind of guy," pusncd
Dylan Parkins, Vice President for
Budget and Finance,
"Given Mr. Biclecki's indina­
t lons 10 outdoor activities, I
would 1101 be surprised if 1hc af­
foir was consummated with boLh ,, _________ _
I cannot tell a lie. l got jiggy with the Reedie.
Joe Bielecki
former ASLC President ___________ ,,
panics hanging upside down in
a clinibing hnmcss, whh J ••11e
uf coyo1c ho-wls playing in 1h1·
background; Mauhcw "Buzzy•
Nielson Vice Prcsickn1 for Stu­
dent Acndcmic Affairs, s:tid.
But LC roli1ical analysts
~hared an amazemcn1 th.u such
.m cvc-nt Jul not uc:cur sooner,
especially conslcknng the wulc­
spread .H·knowk<igcment ol
Bielcck1's nigged, uutdllllrsy
g<1otl looks and musical charms
Al h,s Monda)' press confor­
cncc, Bielecki addressed a crowd
consisting of rcprcscntalivcs
from Sk)'line Janitorial Services
.md KLC Radio with., n11Slercd, "Howdy." before makmg his of­
lklal s1a1cmcm.
"I cnn1101 tell a lie." Bidcck,
hcgnn "I go1 j1gg)' wi1h the
Rccdic
"Gwen I he pule Ill ial impact
this tlevl.111on w1II mcur upon
u11r ~well c:nnpu~. bcsm1rch111g
1hc hallowed rcpu1a11on u[ ASLC
C~cculivc Cu1111c,I, I hereby re­
sign
"This i< ,nc11hcr inswncc of
1hc 1\SI.C Counal p1onccnng
your needs."
By the end of the week, ASLC
Execuuve Cuunril had sought
and npprovcd a rcplaLcmcn1 for
Bielecki. former Vice President ,, ___________ _
l am honored to hold this position at Lewis &
Clark and I look forward to meeting all of the
students, especially the females. After all, Bill
found some lovin' here and I hope I will. too.
Al Gore ___________ ,, of the Unilcd Su11es Al Gore Ocll'
m from Tennessee on Friday and
will serve the remainder of 1his
year's term of office.
Gore hdd a press conference
Fnday ~rtcrnoon 1u ,mnouncc
his occcpi:mcc or the posi11on of
,\SLC rrcsidem
•1 ,1111 honored It> hold ,his
po~nlon '1L Lewis & Clark and I
look lorward ttl mcc11ng all of
1 he s1 udcnts, cspcually the fe­
mnlcs. • he said.
··Al1cr all, B1II ft1und some
lovin' here .md I hope I will,
PHOTO FROr.\ 'WHITlH~HOSEM COM
Al Gore, who lost the
election this year for
President of the United
States, will try his hand as
President of ASLC.
PRB rules for Mickey Mouse, Hoesly concedes
by Bill Rehnquist
Emlinga month long contro­
versy over the clcc1imts for•the
position of ASLC president. the
Peer Review Board ruled in [a­
vor of write-in candidate Mickey
Mouse 1his week, promp1lng
LCTV Prcsidcm Cody Hoesly to
fonnall)' concede.
Mouse did surprisingly well
in this )'Car's election, finishing
by a very slim margin ahead of
Hoesly. The con1roversy sur­
rounding Mouses victory began
j115l hours after the polls closed,
howc,·er, when allegations were
made that Mouse is 11ot techni­
cally enrolled at lewis & Clark
as a student.
James Chris1ie, Chid Jus1ice
:tnd Chair or the PRB, had pre­
viously decided that a candidate
was ineligible 10 run for the po-,, ____ _
I think [Mickey]
Mouse is definitely
the best candidate for
the job.
James Christie
Chief Justice _____ ,,
sil ion of ASLC President ff on a
leave of absence and no1 tcchm­
cally enrolled in 1he college.
When the case came before
PRB earlier th1s week, l;1wyers
representing Hoesly argued that
Mouse should be excluded from
eligibility to run for s1m1lar rea•
sons. The PRB, however, de1er•
mmccl that since Mouse is a fie•
1ional character, and therefore
docs not technically exist, the
rule saying that he had to be a
8 Mossy Log April 1, 2001 member of 1\SLC did not apply,
and that lus v1cwcy w~ts vnlid.
When asked about his dee,-
s1on, Chrisuc said that it was a
difficult choice, and that both
sides presented s1rong argu­
ments, bu11ba1 Mouse presented
th!! more corwmcmg case.
Mouse's argu111em consisted
entirely of a 1en-1ninu1c video of
himself and associates Donald
Duck nnd Goofy repairing a g••
ant clock Christie expressed
that the video dcmons1ratecl
Mouse's leadership skills and re­
sourcefulness m a way that left
him no choice but lO rule m
Mouse's favor. Christle added
that Mouse hnd the add111onal
credenuals in 1hat he had 1hc
same initials as college prcsiden1
Mich,d Mooney, and was a
long•sl3nding member of 1hc
Association or People Whose
Names lnvoOve Alliteration.
·1 1l11nk Mouse ,s definitely
1he bes1 candidate for thCJOb,"
said ClmsLie
His ellglh1l11y was no1 1hc
only issue 1ha1 led LO controversy
over his elcctton~ however. Vc)l­
ers In Plan-Howard also ex­
pressed confus10n over Lhc
onllne ballot.
F1rs1 or all, 11 100k mall)' or
them sever.al tries to conncc1
with Lhc power buttons on their
computers. "It wns kmcl of like
trying 10 .10,tch your fmger 10
your nose." one trcslrn1an said,
"It was extremely difficul1 I
thought nex.t It m1gh1 ,sk me 10
Mickey Mouse has been
declared the winner of this
year's contested ASLC
election. He will serve as
President of ASLC
beginning in the fall. Cody Hoesly conceded the
ASLC presidency via video
conference from an internet
cafe in Amsterdam.
walk :l str:ngh1 line."
Also, recrcanonnl pharmn•
ccu11cals wctc rcponedly m use
by some voters which ;ire bc­
hcvcd to have caused voters to
believe that Hoesly was ,n lac1
Mickey r-.·tousc. and to vmc ac­
cordmgly.
These were not lhr only })rob­
lcms, however A 1hnd \\ffllC-m
candidate also ,s blamed with
rnkmg votes 1hn1 pcncn11ally
could have given liocsly the v1c-
1ory.
Scoob)' Doo received 1hrce
pcrccn1 of 1 he vote, despite
pronnscs 1ha1 he would drop out
or Lhe race ,I II was 10() close. It
15 unclear. however, JUSt whnl
effect DooS wrne•m cnnd1cl:lcy
had on Hocslys campaign.
Many vo1crs ma)' have Joi­
lowed 1he example of sopho­
more Norville Rodgers, who s.~,cl
'"I wnsn't gomg to vote for the
ksscr of 1wo evils wuh Mickey
Mouse and Cody Hoesly, for me
11 was a vo1e lur Scooby Ooo or
no vote rt! all." Mickey Mouse w'1s pleased w
have won thc.clccnon~ In a press
conl'etcncc on Thursday he s,,,cl,
"Gee w1z, u sure 1s swell to be
your ASLC Prcs1dc111. We'll have
a good ol' 11mc, huh-huh•
Hoesly w,1s d1s:.tpp0tmccl and
charac1ens11cally sarcasuc. "I'm
sure Mr. M<>use will do a fine
Job." he said
'"You don'l really wam 1wo
Hocslys on Executive Council
anywar- I'll JLISI travel around
Europe for a not her year: there's
nolhmg at LC !or me now ...
Scooby Doo was amenable 10
Lhr dtcls1on .. R'A II r'l r'wamed
r\vas r~o r'usc r'ASLC r'funds
r'to r'buy r'Scooby r'Snacks. • =====:a:::a==M Ore N ews~=Mo===ssYL:::::z.:::±og=
Deconstruction unearths LC's conservative past
Cons1n1ct1on workers re·
cent 1y ttneart heel d1c rcmnams
ol what expcns are callmg a long
forso11e11 h1s1ory or polt11cal
conscrvauvcni:ss at LC\\11S &
Clark College. The discovery
came as workers surveyed l he
exposed founda1 ,ons ol 1 he now•
demohshed I lmldlcston houses.
The arnfocts range frC)m a
"Reagan/Bush in '80" campaign
bunon, 10 pamphlets rrom van·
ous conscrvalivc thmk tanks, lo
rnnercd cop,c.s ol the Nt11wnnl
Rcvrt·w.
.. I was movmg some rocks
when I saw 1t."' de.mohtion ex­
pen l·loracc r Glasser saul, rc­
lcrnng 1c, a cc,py of 1he Nalional
Review fca1uring a picture of
Senator Jesse Helms (R-NC) and
the words "Man or 1he Century•
on 1he cover "There were all
these Ions-hairs standing
around, so I picked It up and
waved n at their laces. Man, you should h;l\'C seen the.in haul ass."
Ahcr hearing of the d,scov­
cry, Professor D,,n Balmer. Ch01r
of the poli1lcal science depart•
mcnt. recalled the-conservative
navor of the campus when hr
amvecl :11 LC in 1932, but ad­
mits he had forgot ten all about
ii
woh S\lre, ii was :l s,raight­
laccd pl,,cc back then. Lots of old
Oregon money I Republican
prcsidcnual contcmkrl J\I Smith
set up his campaign office in 1 he
Manor I louse 1ha1 year," Bahner
smd
BUI S~')lnl' saw the di.sco,1cr)1
ol 1hc buried poli1ic.il rc,015 of
,he. cnmpus as cause for .11arm.
1101 nos1alsia "This may seri•
ou,ly llllce1 my decision to con•
1inur tcachmg at th1s institu­
tion,• Diane Nelson, prorcssor or
Sociology/Anthropology said. "l
don·, know ,r I can be associated
with a school 1ha1 once cduca,ccl
Barry Goldwater supponcrsl"
Dean Cunis Johnson was
Beckham forms
Pamplin Youth Corps
by Curtis Johnson
ln a surprise :innounccmcn1
last Tuesday, Professor Stephen
Dow Beckham ol 1he history de­
p:tnmcnt annollnccd the lound•
ingof1hel'amplm Yolllh Corps.
Bcckh.-im. now Ucu1cn;1n1
Bcckh•m, w,11 head the group.
Bob Pamplm, 1he reclusive
media and mmmg baron and
Lewis & Clark's second largest
contnbmor. decided lO form :.1
Pamplm Youth Corps 111 re•
sponsc 10 ";1 lack or discipline
and loyalty among the faculty
and students" al Lewis & Clark
College
The group welcomes an)' .md
all freshman who wish ,o pamci­
patc And meet the necessary
qualincauons. I
Pamplin Professor of
History Stephen Dow
Beckham has assumed the
role of lieutenant.
Next fall, be prepared to see demonstrations like these of
the Pamplin Youth Corps in all its glory.
On Thursd.iy, the new group
hdd a mec1ins in 1he SEED of­
fice, which tl,e Youth Corps had
moved imo after it was myslCTi•
ously firebombed the night be­
fore.
Lt. Beckham expressed his
heartfelt thanks 10 the surviving
SEED member.. for the donauon
or their office.
As <Jf press time, Lhc rcmam­
ing members of SEED had no
comment on their act of gt'ncr•
osily. and refused 10 come out
from under their beds.
Dressed cmirely in black, Lt.
Beckham and the first twelve
Youth Corps volunteers sat un•
dcr a large portrait ol Pamplin. Beckham reaffirmed the group'.s
commitment lO "'honor. jusuce,
and responsibility" on the LC
campus, before going on to com•
mcnl that the prev10us day's dis­
appearance or "that rabble­
rouser Elliot Young• entirely co­
incidental.
"Boy, I sure hope they find
him," said Beckham before he
began 10 cough ,1olcn1ly 11110 Ins
handkerchief and was forced 10
excuse himself.
For those interested in join­
ing the Pamplin Youth Corps, in­
fom,atlon about the draft will be
available a1 next [all's ac11vilics
fair. eagan/Bus
1980
Lil>
Pit
Hidden among the rubble, unearthed by the
deconstruction of the Huddleson houses were a number of
artifacts indicating an era of conservativism al LC. Shown
here is a Reagan/Bush campaign button. Among the other
items found were copies of the National Review and
pamphlets from conservative think tanks and brochures
from conservative graduate schools. heard 10 whimper with glee
when he heard the news, and he
quickly released a s1,uemen1 c::ill­
ing lor,;i return lO "1h1s glorious
heruagc " The .tdminis1ration
plans 10 restore the arnfacts wnh
unsohchcd fonding from the
National Rine Association and
display them .ilongside Lhc
Lewis & Clark tra\lel journals in
Wntzck Library
Coasting orr the momenlum
of the discovery, Collese Presi­
dent Michael Mooney phms 10
unveil the next step 111 the Mas-
1er Plan: a full-scalccxpuls1on of
studentS who voted ror Ralph
Nader. "The student body of
twCnt)' 10 s1x1y years ago ha,,
spoken loudly, and they have
sa1d, 'No more. connnics m LC~'"
1he President smd. It was later
po,n1cd 0111 10 Mooney that
Nader and his supporters are af­
!lli01ed w11h the Green, not the
Commu111st, Party. "Same differ•
encc," Mooney was heard to
mutter~
ASLC, History team up to fix
history and eliminate SoAn
by Mel Brooks
In what ls surely 1 he most sig­
mflcant "pioneering of needs"'
1ha1 this years ASLC Council has
done, 3 rccen1 join L rcso1ution
drafted by ASLC P·rcs1den1 Joe
Bickck1 and History Dcp,mment
Ch:tir Jane Hunter makes provi­
sion, for a redraft mg or h1s1or)
as we know it. This resolution,
passed nnila1er.11ly by both draft•
ccs in their rcspcc11ve councUs
and comminecs, calls for a be­
nevolent Mis1orical Council o[
ovcrlordship diciated by Presi­
dent Biclcckl.
In effect, this resolution al­
lows Bielecki and his appointed
Historical Council 10 •fix' the
errors of history wrought by the
disea,;e or Sociological and An-
1hropolog1cal ·scholarship.'
Some mo11va1lons behind
Hu111er and Biclcck1's new p,llicy
on 1nnh and n.-alily .arc 1he gnev•
ously wrong, dcOcicnt, and oth­
erwise irrelevant contributions
or the growing SoAn depmmcnl
on LCs campus.
Master Travis E. Litman, se•
ruor history major, says.
"Bielecki has finally got his act
toged1cr. this 1s grc.:u. Bui lf you
would have clec1ed me as Prcsi-dent, this impor10n1 change
would have happened long
ago."
Bielecki ,1cknowledges
Lh1n:mScontribution; ''h wasn1l
the glorifica11on or 1hc history
dcpanment as 1he supcnor de­
pM1t1lem as muth as fixing the
blatant errors and fundamcnrni
"rongncss of , he SoAn dcpan•
mcm-Trav'is Litman. n true
historian, helped me realize
1ha1."
Buzzy Nielsen, SAAB Master
and Grand Ex:ihcd Lord of All
Th111gs Acadcnnc reported:
--melcckrs historical vision here
is remarkable. The coopcra1ion
bcLwccn ASLC and 1he History
dcparuncnt is notable as well.
And as far ;ls 1he SoAn depart•
mcnl is concerned. their inept
:tci\dcmic contribu11on 1s nose­
cret-in SAAB or the world 111
general I suppon the new Mis-
1oricol Council."
Perhaps the followmg 1cs11-
mony best speaks 10 the great­
ness or the new liis1orical
Council. Freshman Kyle Boche,
an aspiring historian. remarks,
"I am 1rnly inspired b)• the be­
nevolence ol the President and
his Council. t-.1ly sc.rncstcr and :l
half at LC has rnugh1 me that history needs to be rewrincn 10
suit our needs-I onl)' hope that
I cnn one day be a pan of Lins
great historical endeavor.•
Wonhlcss though a SoAn de­
gree might be, some elements or
So-'/1.n s1t1cl)' shall be maintained
undc_r 1 he purview of Bielcckis
historical Council.
ln what 1s hardl)' an tdc<>logi•
cal change, Professor Elliot
Young shall instruct solely on the
op1lrcssed, downLroddcn, subor·
dinatc people of the world and
the fault of 1he while hegemonic
t..-apilalist overlords for their mis­
fortune. Biclcek1 and liunter de­
mand only 1ha1 Young at least say
the word 'history' more often m
his lectures.
t\ correct history of America
shall be rcwri11e11 by Stephen
Dow Beckham's thesis s1u­
dcn1s-(wilhou1 his 'advise­
ment') and no part or then writ•
Ing shall be cul out.
European history shall be cor­
rectly rewriuen by Master Histo•
rians Andrew Daily and Tr.wis E
Litman, among others.
President Bielecki says: "This
his1oricnl endeavor gives us
something that SoAn-ers have
prevented IL~ from reaching for
for too Ion -Lhe Truth."
Writers wanted.
www.lctanc.edu/--p;olog/
April 1, 2001 Mossy Log 9 Mossylog Even More News===
Platt sprayed with pesticides to prevent pot growth
by Barry Joe Stull
In 3 scene n01 unlike one
rrom an acllon movie, Plall Hall
was sprayed by government crop
dus1ers earl)' Weclnesd•y morn-
1 ng, The crop dusters are pan of
na1ion-w1dc "Gel Tough on
Drug Use" campaign by 1hc
Drug Enlorccmen1 Agency 10
curb the use and produc11on or
marajuana on college campu~cs.
Plnu was chosen as a 1cs1 site
because or its nnuonw1de rcpu•
uu1on as "'a pothead's heaven."
The beginning or Spnng
Break saw DEA officcrssn)unng
1he grounds otuside or Plau and
cxam1111ng nrchitcctural design!\
of 1he builclmg "We wan, 10 h11
every room or 1hc building, ,md
lt:l\'c no plan1 nhve. but. in keep­
ing wuh 1rndi11ons at Lewis &
Clark. we want LO be cnvlron•
mentally conscious," stud Ol­
f1ccr Man G recnwa)1.
The exact chen11cals used :ire
unknown, but given the acid
stains and dam,gcd brick 1h01
resulted from a misfire, ,he s1urr
IS po1en, indeed.
Early Wedncsdoy, s1Uden1s
were advised lO evacuate lhc
building. Concern was voiced
that, given the high levels or
marijuana in residents' bC>d1es.
they might experience adverse
elfects from the sweep. ·we don't want anyone 10 get
hurt/' s.tid Greenway. "We're
doing lhis with your best imcr•
csLS in mjnd."
Jon Eldridge. Director or Resi­
dence Ufo, s•id that 1he College
proposed Pla11 •s a 1cs1 site be­
c-aus..:. "'Ne ha\!e a problem. l-low
much u[ a problem remains 10
be seen. But 1h1s time Residence
Life 1s gomg beyond simple cdu­
cauon m i1.s drug-use-prevention
programs.'"
"We're gomg 10 nip 1his pnib­
lcm in the hud, before 11 has a
chnnc:c to grow," he conum.1cd
There h•s been unHormly
ncAa.tive rc:ncllon from smdents
hving m Plau.
'·Tht: r.dm1111strat10n as ou1 or
lOUC'h with us .. stud Vans
Mohler. "They don·, realize 1h31
w1th the stresses of today"s
world-cell phones, inst:i.nt
messages, nil that-we need
things like pot 1,1 relox.•
Other s1udcn1s expressed
concern over paying for their
college education If the raid on
Plau goes I hrough
"LC's scholorships only cover
so much. If I wan\ 10 afford
books. 1 nc.ccl to maintnin my
mnrijuana crop." said Jillian
Lewis. "The hippies here p:iy
more for 11 1han people else­
where do. and ll would be a
shame 10 lose such n vnlunblc market."
The cu:rrcnt Chier Jus11ce,
James Chnstic, was unova,lablc
for commem. Sources close co
him suggcs1cd 1ha1 hr had dis­
appeared Io Mexico for Spring
Break m an nnc-mp1 10 sell his
stash before 1hc r.ud.
Chid J us11re-elcc1 I uhan
Dnutrcmom-Smuh, however.
was on 1hc scene and protcsling
luudl)•· "This 1s exanly the kind
or oppression we should be free
from!"' he shouted, 11My Slu­
dents' bill <)I rights will 1no1cu
:ill or us students from the l)'mn­
nicnl rule of adminis1m1ors like
you! .. he screamed. poiming al
J<>n Eldridge
Problc1ns nrosc ~,ftcr the
planes had 0nishcd 1hcir second
run, when watchers noticed
cracks appearing in the sides of
the building. The cracks grew
larger and cn1irc chunks of wall
[ell to the ground.
ClosC'r c.xamin:ition revcnlcd
thnl some of 1he foundation or
the building hnd been rc111ovcd
10 mnkc n.>om for marijuana
plants. While growing, 1hc mns­
sivc speci!lncns replaced the
ground suppons of the building.
When 1hc plants died. so did the
necessary suppon s1ructurcs.
Plan rcsidemsshould expect
to l'.amp out nn lower c.tmpus for
the remainder of 1hc year.
Christie convicts Womyn of
acts of reverse discrimination
by Julian Dautremont-Smith '' ----
ln his most con1rovtrsial1nJJ.
lni: of the semcs1cr, ASLC Chier
Justice James Christie convic1ed
the mcmhcrs of lhc Womyn's
Center for reverse tHscril-nrna ..
lion. To help mend a touchy situ•
ation lhat had arisen e-arhcr in
1hc se111cs1er, Christie had sub-
111111cd an applica1io11 to become
a Womyn, but was rejected on
the basis or his Y chwmosomc
nnd •unappealing" :lllitude.
feeling that he had been
wrongly discrimina1ed agnlns1,
Christie took 1hc ma11erdirec1ly
to Lhc Peer Rc\'icw Board and
handed down his decision at
breakneck speed. No actual I rial
even ll)Ok place.
"It 100k me noout four min­
utes 10 delihcratc 1he mailer."
says Chrisue. "It seemed like 011
eternity compared 10 the length
ofmy last sexual encoun1er, but
the extra 1i111c I took really
makes me feel conHden, tha, I
mode 1hc 'right decision. I'm
gonna make 1hosc bitches pay.•
The Womyn have appealed
Chnstic's dec:Jsion 10 Dean of
S1udentsJ011 Eldridge. They reel
as though Christie acted m a
·connict or lntrrcst," and that
his emotions clouded 1hc objec-
1M1y thai should have guided
his decision.
"I le wants to be a Wom)'n so
bad, he jus1 docsn'1 havcwhot 11
1.1kcs, .. said a rcprcsc.n1:.11ivc rrom
the Womyn·s Center. "He Jus1
can't accept 111s lnfcrioril)' and 1s
1ry111g 10 compensate by •busing
the power of hi~ position He's
such a male .. "
When presented with 1hc
mancr. Eldridge suggc.<1cd 1hat He wants to be a
Womyn so bad, he
just doesn't have
what it takes. He just
can't accept his inferi- ~
ority and is trying to
compensate by abus­
ing the power of his
position. He's such a
male.
spokesperson for the
Womyn's Center _____ ,,
the situation be resolved wilh a
mud wres11ing match or a wet
tee-shirt con1cs1. He feels that
such 1rinls would best determine
whether Chris1ie possesses tht
proper credenuals 10 become a
Womyn Then ii could l,c show11
whether his conviction was ap­
propriate or nn abuse of power.
"l sec nQ other ahen1:1tive."
said Eldridge. "Besides, c11n you
i mag:inc how may people would
p;iy to see James Christle ma wet
tee-shirt? Probably thous:inds!
It would be a Rcslckncc Uk cx-
1ravaganza, biggcnmd more rc­
wardini than Angela O:wb \\':tS!
Goddamn! You c,n be, I'll get a
cue for promoung Lhis one."'
Mtcr hearing Eldndgc's per­
spccuvc on the matter, 1hc­
Womyn gleefolly challenged
Christie 10 prove his worth 10
them in bo1h a mud wrestling
match (1wo om 1hrcc rails), and
a wc1 tee-shirt contest 10 be held
a, this years Sunburn. Christie
has, as of ye, no, made a final
decision about whc1hcr or not to
10 Mossy log April 1, 2001 James Christie, upon learning
that he would challenge the
Womyn's Center in a
mudwrestli ng match.
accept the challenge but ii seems
so[e to predic11ha1 he will. How­
ever, some sources say hr fc.,r.s
for his sarety.
··Mud wrestling! Against the
Womyn1 I'd get slaughtered,"
Christie lamen1ed. "They have
nobody In my weight class. As
for the wc1 1ee-sh1r1 comest,
1h:1t"smyaceln 1hc hole I've got
a rack that will put all theirs to
shame. My worth 10 1he Womyn
will be clea.ly cxhibncd once I
Ull\ll'll it. Abuse or power, mr
ass! I have been wronged and I
want all the world to know u."
/\II c1ues11011s will be an­
swer«! at Sunburn. Unul 1hcn
1hc accusauons ... thrcaLs ou1J
1aun1s will ny freely. and bet>
will be 1,ken. Odds will be
posted daily on Soapbox. Be
sure to :111end 1l11s Residence
Ure, KLC sponsored extrava­
ganza that wtll 111akc
Wrestlemnnia look hkc a church
picnic and prove once <tncl for all
whet hc1· James Christle has what
ii 1akes to be a Woymn During spring break, large airplanes flew over Platt,
dusting it with pesticides to kill the growing marijuana
plants. Parts of the structure crumbled as a result and
residents are encouraged to buy camping gear for the
remainder of the term.
Campus hoax revealed:
Hoesly twins discovered to be one
by Someone Funny
Controvcr1,1rcnsuccl early thh
week when lewis & Clark m-
1ernl11 mvcstig:.11icms conhrmcd
manr studcnb' lllng--hcld suspi•
t1011~: KLC Gener.,! Manager
Dusty I-Joe-sly oncl ASI.C prcs1•
de111-clcc·1 Cody Hoesly arc, m
fact, one and 1he s11me mrm.
.. , knew somcthtng was up
when I S~lw their app1ic:mons,"'
remarked Dean of /\dm1ss1ons
Micbad !>exton. "Twms •ncnd­
mg 1hc same college? I don'1
think so."
The rnves1 igauon was
spurred by one s1t•dem's chum
10 have seen Hoesly chongi11g
from Dusty's slgna1ure pcacoa!/
/\II-Stars o,uflt 10 a SJ>Orl jackc1
and running shoes, Cody's iraclc­
mark style. "We juSI couldn't let
li=ly keep living a he." said l he
investigation's lender and ASLC
Ch1cfJus1fceJamcs Clmsuc. "As
much as I'd hkc lO have I WO or
them ::irouncl, n's JUSl not ngln "'
When asked why tlw ancmp1
lo lead two Hves was made, 1hc
man now s11nply known :ts
Hoesly replied: 'h siancd as a
ploy co gc1 more 1cc c-rcnm when
Hoesly "brothers" Dusty
and Cody discovered to be
one man posing as two. ,, ___ _
It started as a ploy to
get more ice cream
when I was a kid. But
it quickly became a
way to get twice the
action.
Hoesly
'' I w:1> a kid. Bui n quickly be­
came a wny 10 gca 1w1cc the ac­
llOn . .,
The Hoesly sc:im wns made
somewhat difficult by Cody's
pbn 10aucnd school in Munich
during the Foll ol 2000. •1 pulled
11 off, though." remarked I toesly.
"Lots or l'requen1 nycr miles."
The scandal lorccs Hoesly 10
dcrnlc bc1woen the 1>os111ons of
ASLC Prcs1dcni and S1ucle111
Rcprcsc111;111vc. oflkcs to whtch
1hc bro1hers were respec1ivcly
clec1cd "I don\ understand why
I can\ Just keep bo1h The ASLC
bylaws dor1·1 say nny1hmg :ibout
dual 1dcn111y." he said 1<>
Chnsuc. "And you should know
wha1 kind of arnon Council kids
gc1 •· ===Other Stuff==Moss====ylo~g
LCTV wins Oscar; Landau attacks Russell Crowe
by Roger Ebert
Beaung out stiff compc11uon
from en tical lavon1cs I ,kc Trnf•
fie and Cro11chi11g Tigc,, Hidclrn
Dragon. Lewis & Clark
Telev1sion·s rcnowncJ Sccmul
Episode took home an Oscar lor
Best Picture Sunday night Cit•
mg ~uperior 1cchr11cal achieve•
ment :ts well as a hc<1rtfclt and
pmfounJ new pcrspctttve on the
human condttlon, the Academy
ol Motion P1crnrc Ans and Sci­
ences chose 10 honor such small­
budget sktts ;i; "Fuck Cap11al­
lSm .. and ~Extrl·me 01css'" over'
Hollywood's mnn-epic produc­
tions.
Ang 1.t, director or C,m,clnng
·r,gcr, supported the Academy,
dccbi<111 'Sure hi} mo"te Imel
,ume Oying Kung-t'u and stuff,
hut thd yo,, s« the choreogra•
phy on 'Extreme Che,-;;?' Lach
Jcibmnnn "u11crly hrillmnt "
Traffic drrc,·tor Steven
S<1dcrbcrgh agreed • Sccan,I Epi·
,ode b simply a wonder ,,I mod­
ern cinema To use such sopho­
mork humor tu communicalc ,, ____ _
Second Episode is
simply a wonder of
modern cinema. To
use such sophomoric
humor to communi­
cate such esoteric
concepts ... really, I've
a lot to learn.
Steven Soderbergh ____ ,,
such csotcnc concepts really,
I've a lot to lc.1rn."
The s1ar-s1uddcd 111gh1 ol
liollywood ,ongnuulatron wiLs
not wuhou1 upsc1s. howcvn
Followlng the awards cc,crnony.
Russell Crowe, star of last year's
Glacliator, was as::;.·•mhed tn n ~ur~
prise au.,ck frnm LCTV clin:c1or
Aaron I and.Ill in an apparent fit
or Je:1l()U!, rage over having lost
the ..:ove1i:d Best Actor award,
L:mdnu "ppro.,chcd Crowe lrum
hchmd and proceeded to str1kc
hnn v1olcntly Landau was soon
res1r:1111cd •nd escorted from the Shrine Auditorium 10 a Los An•
gcks police s1aiion,
Crowe was heard n.o remark:
"Perhaps Mr. Lancia u is more
dcscl'ving of the award, but 10
take such a violent. vcngdul
route was grossly 1mqlpropria1c
and cllsplayed a lack or maturity
and good sense. Bes1d es. anyone
knows I can kick his ass.·
(Above) LCTV director Aaron
Landau attacks Russel Crowe
from behind. (Right} Landau
smiles as he receives the Best
Picture Oscar.
Curtis Johnson: administrator and actor?
by Michael McDonald
Dean ol' the College Cur1,s
Johnson is one :llll~ltmg m:rn.
No1 only docs he pcrrorm h,s
dullcs as Dean, hut he also
m;ikrs lime for teaching classes.
And apparently he still has lime
10 moon light a"i an actor.
Johm,on stars as I he ch:1rav
tcr "Rusty Miller· on the Fox
l.11enrgh1 comedy show MaclTV.
Three years ago, before be­
coming Dean, Johnson aud1• iioned for a role on MaclTV. lie
created Ins character, Rusty. af­
ter some of his studcnLS m I he
College.
Whrn asked abom hos secret
pass1on,Johnson said, "Teach mg
had become bonng ,mcl I needed
to do somcLhing new.'"
.. Acung as Rusty helps me get
ms1dc Ill)' studcnts1 heads ancl
helps me be a bc11cr ,cacher.•
Johnson had managed to
keep 1lus second career a scc-re:1
until recently. Af1er Casino
MANIFESTO
by the guy who puts the Pioneer log In your mailbox every Friday
So, you hate that JUnk mail thai always ends up rn your mailbox
don't youl All 1hat srnrr about campus c,•cnts you clon·1 care abo111?
And how abom ,hai copy ol the Pioneer Log that appears m there
cvcl)• 01hcr week? Don't )'OU hate that? And you know what ,s re•
;llly a creative ancl funny thmg 10 do wllh n? l..envc 11111 your m:11I•
box Tha1's ngh1 don't take II out. Those people who s11II have the
first issue ol the yc.,r rn therr mailboxes, ye;ih, they're really cool I
wish I could be hkc them. But I can't. because 1 nm the gu)• thal
:,pends Ins Friday mornmgs m the mailroom putting the Pioneer
l .. og m nll two 1housand mailboxes.
ff you wnm to comt tn there and help me some. 11111c. you arc
welcome 10 h's really lun. You gc1 10 fold every issue or the paper
m half, nncl pm II in the 111:iilboxcs. and you get 10 get your hands
:ill covt'fcd wuh ncwspnnt. nnd s,1ua1 clown and put them m 1hc
boumn boxes.
Anyvvay, now 1hm you know who I am and what 1 do. (1 am
insane and I put tbe Pioneer Log ,n your mailbox.} 1 will move on
to my demands. For nil of you who do 1101 1:1kc the paper out of
your mailbox, 1 would like lO be accommodaung lO you. I under•
s1:md thm you leave 11 in there only because you can't rend, and
tllucracy saddens me. I have come up w11h a solu11on, however. As
I may h,we 111c1111oned I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, and srnce l hate
lo sec someone deprived of the news that the rc.~t or the Pioneer
Log siaff and I work so hard 10 provide you wuh, 1 will flnd out
where you hvc. and come read the newspaper to you. I might need
some amphfica11on devices to help me, but I look forward to seeing
you rll be b)' at about three rn the mornrng since I am sure that is
when ll is most convcntcnt for you.
Also, I don't know what II IS abou1 the high numbered mail­
boxes, but those or you 111 the last few rows must be really illi1era1e.
~faybe my amplificalion devices and I will come by your house
nrsi.
So, wha1 docs this ranung all mean? l am wondering that my•
self. Anyway, take your copy or the Pioneer Log out or your mail­
box nnd read tl. It 1s llllercsting and mformaLive, 1 know because I
read my copy. It 1s eas,er 10 read outside of your mailbox. I know
from experience. Anyway. also when you arc taking the paper oul
of your mailbox, do not talk shu abou1 it. 1 can hear you, and once
again I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Yeah, that's all. I will see you in
the morning; I'm the one with 1he megaphone. Ntght, somt: I .. C SlUdcnt.s saw
Rusty on an episode of MadTV.
The students could clearly sec
the rescmhlancc hc1 ween the
character and Johnson and wetc
drunk enough 10 call Johnson on
the phone and conrrom him.
Thinking the students wouldn~
remember the e:onvcr$a1ton. he
revealed l11s passion fvtacung.
Bm the students didn't forget
and word got om around cam•
pus. Students now c-ngcrly awall
the next ep1Sode of M:idTV.
LC'S#l STUDENTNEWSPAPER.
THEMOSTTRUSTED.
FORAMOSTE~OYABLE EXPERIENCE.
April 1, 2001 Mossy Log 11 publick disturbances
\1 nd
April 2
Classes cancelled in
celebration of
April Fool's Day.
Al Gore's inaguration as
ASLC President, Dubach
Lounge, 4:40 pm. fu c,d l
pril ,
Na/gene to film commercial
on campus, all day.
LC figure skating team vs.
University of Washington,
Pamplin, 7:30 pm. d1
\pnl ➔
Pamplin Society
Distinguished Visiting
Scholar lecture: former
President Bill Clinton,
Flanagan Chapel, 8 pm.
This will be the final issue of this newspaper for an indeterminate length
of time. Robert Pamplin Jr. has taken an interest in our little student news­
paper and has invited our entire staff to come and work for him on the
Portland Tribune. Although we regret having to leave Lewis & Clark with­
out a student newspaper, none of us could pass up Mr. Pamplin's offer of
about 25 times what we are currently earning here at Lewis & Clark. We
encourage you to pick up a copy of the Tribune for your reading pleasure.
If there are interested students who would like to take overr the newspa­
per, we do have money remaining in our budget if you'd like to keep the
paper running this year. Otherwise, we're looking for people to join us in
spending that money on a giant kegger in the office, date to be deter­
mined.
This is also an excellent time to get started for those of you who were
interested in starting you own underground newspaper (and you know
who you are). With no competition, your paper would surely impress the
students.
If you have any questions or comments, we will be checking our email
tprough the end of May so you can continue to write us at piolog@lclark.edu
With that, we Qid you farewell.
12 Mossy Log April 1, 2001 1 hu1 d 1
\pl I
Varsity ultimate frisbee vs.
Reed. lower campus, 5 pm.
Last Lecture by alum
Monica Lewinsky: • Slick
Willy and Me.•
Thayer Rooms, 6 pm.
Representative from
Tobacco Town selfs fine
cuban cigars, outside
Thayer, 6 pm.
Activist Rally:
,ssue to be determined,
Oernrockracy, 3 pm.
'NSYNC and Britney Spears
at the Rusty Nail, 9 pm.
Drum and smoking circle,
lower campus, 12 am. II d
;\pnl
Saturday in SeNice: Oregon
Chapter of the National
Guard, 8:30 am.
Dinner with Mike Mooney
in the Bon, 5:00 pm.
Metallica at the Rusty Na,/,
9pm.
Mandatory chapel service.
Flanagan Chapel. 10 am.
Lewis & Clark Big Band
concert, featurmg solist Bill
Clinton, Evans 8 pm.