Lewis & Clark College

The Pioneer Log: Lewis & Clark College’s Student-Run Newspaper

Volume 76, Issue 9

Lewis & Clark College’s Student Newspaper

Pioneer Log Staff

2011-04-01

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Newspaper

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Lewis & Clark College: Pioneer Log / Mossy Log

THE MOSSY LOG
Friday, April 1, 2011
IT www.piolog.com
WEWEWEWE
SO EXCITED
REBECCA BLACK'S BRILLIANT
SONG 'FRIDAY' TOUCHES
STUDENTS DEEPLY WITH ITS
CREATIVITY I ARTS 9 Vol. 76, lss. 9
BON APPETIT
·GIVES UP
WORN DOWN BY STUDENT
COMPLAINTS, CAFETERIA WILL
NOW SERVE NOTHING BUT
FAST FOOD I NEWS 2
AS ALL A SCAM
HISTORY PROFESSOR ADMITS CREATING THE TALES OF MERIWETHER LEWIS AND WILLIAM CLARK, SUPPOSED
AMERICAN PIONEERS WHO WERE WORKS OF FICTION
BY SHERLOCK GODLOTTS
Professor Stephen Reckham of
the history department admitted
last week to having forged major
elements of the famous Lewis &
Clark expedition as part of an ef­
fort to enhance the prestige of the
college. "I did it for the students,"
an unapologetic Reckham said, as
Campus Safety officers escorted
him out of his office shortly after
his admission.
The revelation came after
months of effort by a largely anony­
mous band of history majors who
had caught on to Reckham's intri­
cate web of scholarship, falsified
papers, and misleading historical in­
terpretive centers. "He started mod-estly, with a few alterations to signif­
icant Wikipedia pages," said Sarah
Bulkmart-Sheckley ('11), who dis­
covered the fraud. But soon "he
launched into a full-scale campaign
to alter historical perception~."
"Lo1,1isiana purchase? Hap­
pened. • Jefferson sponsoring the
expedition westward? Real. Lewis
and Clark braving hardship, bears,
cold, and the wilderness in order co
further the United States efforts to
reach from sea to shining sea? Load
of bologna," a disturbingly proud
Reckham said. "I don't think they
even knew what a grizzly looked
like. Did you know they actually
quit somewhere in Iowa? Became
corn farmers or something."
"Before 1876, Lewis and Clark scarcely appeared in textbooks!" Unbeknownst to them, a range
Reckham said. "That made them of other school staff facilitated the
an easy target for modification." deceit. "I had no idea why Reck­
Reckham, renowned in the area, ham was so interested in how to
had many opportunities to further kayak along a direct and practi­
his myth of the college's "heroic" cable water communication across
namesakes. He has developed mu-this continent, for the purposes of
seum presentations for years. commerce with foreign nations,"
Reckham's efforts to falsify his-an aghast Joe Yuska, Director of
tory were facilitated by his under- College Outdoors, told reporters.
graduate study of biology at the Members of the arcs department
University of Oregon. There, he were also implicated in the produc­
tread the line between the biology tion of false maps of the Louisiana
and history departments by put-Purchase.
ting together botanical journals "Those were easy," Beckham said,
from the northwest on recreations when questioned as to how he pro­
of late 18th century parchment. duced the maps when the expedition
"They sure fooled people at the -wasn't real. "French fur traders and
Smithsonian," he said, grinning. Russians were way ahead of us."
"Boy, those were a piece of work." The implications of the fraud have lefr the historical commu­
nity reeling, with one of the great
American sagas questio(!ed. Mean­
while, student distrust on campus
bas reached new heights. On Mon­
day, President Glassner called for a
full investigation of all professors'
research. His warning to students
was grim.
"This may not be an isolated
incidence of academic fraud;' he
said, explaining that he "had it
from good sources" that the theo­
ry of relativity was actually rooted
in a prose satirical poem by Ethan
Siegel, and that Kellar Autumn's
geckos use Gorilla Glue to climb
up walls.
CONTINUED I NEWS 2
Sustainable sinsemilla LI·BRARIANS
PHOTO BY CHRISTMAS CUPCAKE
Jeff Purry {'12) and Jimbob Joesph {'11) overlook the hard work done over spring break when the Garden Club planted a hundred
marijuana clones in the Forest Garden with plans to sell at the Co-Op next August.
BY TINKER JEFE
"We just want students on campus
to practice sustainability, in all aspects
of their life," said Co-Op Coordina­
tor Jeff Purry ('12) in response to the
newest product available for sale: mar­
ijuana.
Over spring break, students in­
volved with the Garden Club com­
pleted the final stages in transplanting
marijuana clones into the garden on
South Campus. The Club has been in
contact with growers in the Portland
area since October, working to find
clones that would thri e in an out­
door environment. Seven different
growers conuibuted over I 00 clones,
as well as several packets of seeds. All
of the clones have been planted in the garden, and several seeds have started
the germination process in a jar in the
Co-Op.
"The best weed typically doesn't
grow outside," said Garden Club
member Tom Smang ('l 4). "In order
to protect the clones, and ensure that
we grow a product that sells, we've
built small shelters over the plants
that also house the lighting appara­
tuses that will foster their growth un­
til harvest."
The shelters, made out of recycled
and reused sheet metal cover the three
rows of marijuana plants. On the out­
side of the shelters, six I 000 watt solar
panels have been put in place in order
to power the 600 watt light bulbs that
line the inside of the shelters. Back­
up wind turbines have also been in-stalled on the top of the roofs of both
the Corbecc House and Roberts Hall
Energy from the turbines will be har­
nessed in generators, and will only be
used when rain is persistent for two or
more days.
For distribution, harvest season
comes around in August, the Co-Op
will be fully ready to begin sales. Stu­
dents will have had to fill out an ap­
plication and be approved for an on­
campus Green Card through Campus
Living, and th.en will be allowed to
buy up to an ounce a month, for per­
sonal use .. Trained Co-Op members
will be in charge of measuring and
selling the bud during specified hours
by Campus Living.
CONTINUED I NEWS 3 on demand
In an effort to curb student anxiety, Watzek Library
staff is now available at all times via beeper.
BY TYLER CRAMMEDIN
No more are the archaic li­
braries of the past, with their
cell-phone bans and librar­
ians who work in shifts. In a
move certain to usher LC inco
a new era of both technology
and academic inquiry, school
librarians are now required to
wear pagers at all hours of the
day, ensuring that students
will never have to face the
daunting task of finding jour­
nal articles or reference books
all by themselves.
"Seriously, with all the tu­
ition that I... I mean ... My
parents have to pay for me co
come to this place, I should never have to try to figure out
this namby-pamby, enigmat­
ic cataloguing netherworld
on my own," stated Veronica
Norffenden (' 14). "That's li­
brarians' work." Norffenden
went on to tell of her scarring
experience of trying to ""._rite
a 15-page research paper in
one day and finding herself
completely alone at 4:26 am
when she needed secondary
sources on Salinger's concep­
tion of nihilism. "It was hor­
rifying," she recounted. "If I
had gotten a C on that paper,
it would have been the librar­
ians' fault."
CONTINUED I FUTURES 8
Pioneer muggle permitted
to play Quidditch
SPORTS11
REAL NEWS
BACIDOOR
HOW TO MAKE A PEANUT BUTTER
AND JELLY SANDWICH
FUIIRESJ News 2 THE MOSSY LOG, PRIL I, 2011
Bon Appetit caves to student demands
Bon Manager nixes root vegetables and leafy greens for chicken
nuggets, fried mac and cheese balls and turducken patties
BY CHRISTMAS CUPCAKE
Bon Appetit Management, Co., the meal
provider for Lewis & Clark College's caf­
eterias built its reputation as a champion
of sustainable food on its use of local farm­
ers and creative menu items, many of which
tend to be organic and vegetarian.
Three weeks from now, that will all end.
"We've just received way tQO many corn-·
plaints, especially from students," said Gen­
eral Manager Mac Lary. "These kids have
been raised on fast food and microwave
meals. They want Voodoo Donuts, not veg­
etable medleys and tofu scramble ."
"We tried to make healthy food seem ap­
pealing," said Aaron Dionne, Director of
Culinary Development. "I remembered how
my wife tried hiding pieces of broccoli and
spinach in our son's spaghetti, and I thought
to myself 'Hey, that could work!"' Dionne
was suspended for one week in February af­
ter Jim Wise (' 14) found dehydrated kale in
his cocoa puffs and vomited everywhere.
"After SUG F started chose demonstra­
tions, we knew we'd have to make changes,"
explained Lary. SUGF (Students United for
Good Food) formed at the beginning of this
semester afrer the Bon began encouraging
students to move away from drinking soda
by offering various agua frescas.
"It's just a fancy word for water with stuff
in it," said Ingrid Newbirk ('13), SUGF
founder, "which is exactly what soda is. Why
are they trying to tell us that one type of wa­
ter with stuff in it is better than another type
of water with stuff in it? IT'S JUST WATER
AND STUFF."
Newbirk joined forces with Dennis Ku­
spinach ('11) at the end of January when
EDITORS IN CHIEF:
CHRISTMAS CUPCAKE & TINKER )EFE
BUSINESS MANAGER:
TINKER)EFE
NEWS EDITORS: the two were simultaneously.informed while
standing in line for dinner that hamburgers
would no longer be offered.
-"This is a struggle for the souls of the stu­
dents of Lewis & Clark, a college that in too
many cases has become so 'green' and identi­
fied with 'green' interests that you can't tell
the difference between their food and the
shrubbery they grow around campus," pro­
tested Kuspinach at SUGF's Give Us Good
Food (GUGF) rally last week.
Approximately 75 students and a few
faculty members had gathered in the open
space between Miller academic hall and the
Hoffman Gallery to speak out against recent
cafeteria meal changes. After attendees took
turns speaking to the crowd, a chant of"Less
lies, more fries" took hold for 30 seconds,
followed by a ceremonial passing around of
deep fried cheese sticks.
Lary could be seen sitting quietly on the
edge of the rally. Towards the end, he steeped
forward and spoke briefly to the crowd. 'The PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY DIRK DIGGLER
student body has spoken, and Bon Appetit
has listened," announced Lary. "Beginning
on April 20, all root vegetables, green leafy
produce, and agua frescas wiU be eliminat­
ed from cafeteria menus. Replacing them
will be a daily rotation of chicken nuggets,
fried mac and cheese balls and turduckhen
patties." Interrupting the ensuing applause,
Lary added, "We will also be replacing the
cottage cheese with Blue Razzberry Go-Gurr
and subst.ituting our house-made dressings
for differently flavored mayonnaises."
SUGF and national activist group PETE
(People Eating Tasty Edibles) recently co­
presented Newbirk with the Successful Lov­
ing Of Palates award at a celebratory gather­
ing in Copeland's main lounge last Tuesday.
"I have only done what anybody who tru­
ly loves Lewis & Clark would do," Newbirk
announced in her acceptance speech. "All I
ask in return is that they call their chicken
pro4ucts Newbirk Nuggets." Ba__g .of money
letf p_y Manor
House
BY NASH BRIDGES
Director of Admissions Jim Sumner ar­
rived early on Monday morning, ready to be­
gin the work week anew, only to discover a
large potato sack with a$ sign printed on the
side. Rather than lead the meeting he had
planned to finish preparations for prospec­
tive student weekend, he spent the morning
supervising/witnessing • a police investiga­
tion. Eventually, the police confirmed that
the bag was full of thousand dollar bills-$5
million total-and that they would have to
make further investigations regarding the or­
igins of the money, but that the money did
indeed belong co the institution if it was not
found to be suspect in any regard.
• "I am inclined co believe chat the money
came from an honest source," said President
Garry Blassner. "This school inspires thou­
sands of people. lfl had that kind of money,
I would donate it to LC."
• The police reported that they had dusted
the bag, but the fingerprints did not match
any on record. In addition, the money is
not counterfeit. In a week or so, if the in­
vestigation does not go anywhere, the sack
of money will be returned to Lewis & Clark
College.
PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY SEXON D'BEACH
toVEFLIGHT fREERIDE & NASH BRIDGES
OPINION EDITORS:
CLINT PEREZ & WHoOLJTA PoowART
FFATUR.F.S EDITORS:
SHA1-LI HURTZ & BEATRICE KEESTER
AJITs EDITORS:
OLIVE TWIG & MEAN SABINE ASLC President Damp realizes
triviality of human condition, names
self Supreme Queen for Life
SPORTS EDITORS:
DIRK DIGGLER & MARY MONDS
STYLE SOURCE:
ZORRO VIOLENTE
ILLUSTRATION EDITOR:
FOB MURPHY
ILLUSTRATORS:
CAP'N DIEGO FIREBEARD
PHOTOGRAPHERS:
LEONARDO QrNSTER
COPY CHIEFS:
JETPACK N. SKYY & SnrrrERIN' MAuRICE
SCABB
COPY EDITORS:
RoBIN CEDAR, GABBY HANDs, KATHLEEN
DALY, Aux RoBERTS & KELSI VILLARREAL
STAFF WRITERS:
RrvER CosMICDROPPER, GuRGuN' BARNEY
DAGGER, DOMINIQUE Y0tmc UNIQUE,
DRUNKEN RED SNAPPA, Ow DIRTY KELP
LICKER, PIRATE GARRICK THE BADLY BURNT &
BoNGOFLIGHT RrvEROREAM, & CoRNCHASER
PIGSOWER
ADVISORS:
MISTA G-RJDE BOUNCER & SWINGIN CHIM­
PANZEE
THE PIONEER Loe SERVES TO INFORM THE
LEWIS & CLARK COMMUNITY ON ISSUES OF
CONCERN TO STUDENTS. ADVERTISEMENTS,
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR AND EDITORIALS
DO NOT NECESSARJLY REFLECT THE OPINIONS
oF THE P10NEER Loe oR LEWIS & CLARK
COLLEGE.
THE PIONEER Loe
0615 SW PALATINE HILL Ro.
MSC 121
PORTLAND, OR 97219
PIOLOG@GMAIL.COM
WWW.PIOLOG.COM BY J. EUSTACE HARTWELL
In a shocking development still sending
reverberations through the ASLC, last Tues­
day, Mar. 29, President Pith Damp ('11)
radically expanded executive power, chang-
. ing her title to "Supreme ·Queen for Life"
in an effort to show the meaninglessness of
social constructs. Damp pushed chis radical
restructuring through ·using clie controversial
"I do what I want" clause, giving herself both
absolute. power over all ASLC decisions, and,
just for kicks, veto power over all now super­
fluous senate legislation. •
To date, Damp has vetoed a unanimously
passed resolution for her impeachment, ve­
toed_ a limit on her veto power, and vetoed a
resolution that would have formed a formal committee for the purposes of writing a for­
mal letter to tell the president that she is a
meanie.
The controversial "I do what I want"
loophole was es.tablished by former ASLC
president William McKinley (CAS '86) dur­
ing the senate logjam of 1985 to actually get
shit done. The clause was largely forgotten,
though it remained on the books until Pamp
noticed it. It does include a power-checking
veto in the form of verbal objection by the
sitting Chief Justice. However, this institu­
tional check was nullified when Pamp went
up to Chief Justice Eli Flavins (' 11) this
Wednesday and quickly said, "Unobjecting
Chief Justice says what?"
Flavins replied, "What?"
Damp says she discovered the crushing
PHOTO COURTESY OF MARK ZUCKERBERG
Her highness leads a grQup of unwilling senators and cabinet members in a rousing game
of"5 billion bottles of non-alcoholic beer on the wall." It truly is good to be queen. triviality of life over spring break, when she
saw a Discovery channel special about the
vastness of space. "What are we doing? la­
beling each other, pretending what we do
actually makes a difference. I hope when
people realize how me being Supreme Queen
or whatev~r doesn't change anything, maybe
they'll learn something," said Damp.
Much controversial legislation has been
passed since Damp assumed Supreme Queen
for Life last Tuesday, most notably a reso­
lution that allots all of next year's student
funds for papier mache hats constructed
out of money, to be given out during next
year's NSO, w·ith hugs, which are free. When
Senator Smiles Catterson (' 13) objected, say­
ing the hats would disintegrate in Portland's
rainy climate, Damp passed a resolution to
turn Katterson into a frog.
At the time of publication, Katterson was
not yet a frog. "You see, you see? People can't
be frogs, legislation doesn't change that! Leg­
islation doesn't matter," said Damp.
Damp has also insisted that formerly
titled Vice President Slander Bear (' 13) be­
come Vice Supreme Queen for Life. Bear
was not keen to the idea. "Well, at first I sug­
gested that since there was no longer a 'presi­
dent,' per se, I could just switch from vice­
president to president and she could be the
[Supreme Queen for Life]. But then she just
said, 'Can't you see?,' handed me Nietzsche's
Beyond Good and Evil and walked off."
Beyond Good and Evil, Friedrich Ni­
etzsche's 1886 masterpiece, is his critique
of a seemingly poor critical sense in the past
• and current philosophy of his day, and an
objection to what he saw as an overempha­
sis of dated Christian morality notions. "It's
pretty good," said Bear, who's only about
halfway through it.
''I'd be lying if I told you the tide isn't a
little emasculating," said the Vice-Supreme
Queen for Life. "Oh no, she's playing [The
Beatles'] 'Revolution #9' again." Students remain unmoved
BY MARISSA MEH
A strange sight has eccled over
campus in the days since tudents
returned from spring break. Stu­
dents filter through Fields Dining
Hall, sitting in groups of four or
five and chatting amiably in inside
voices, before deaning their places
and filtering ouc well before 7 p.m.
Every chair in every classr om faces
che front in metered rows. Copies
of the New York Times pile steadi­
ly higher in their racks, pages un­
turned. Youcube hies and Facebook
poses fall co an all-time low, while
library books char have never be­
fore been looked at are discovered
with freshly cracked spines. An un­
usual dociliry diffuses campus.
"I have nor been offended, nor
once, for the whole week," said
Traylor Parx (' 13). "No one chal­
lenged my religious views, or made
me feel bad for nor being up co
dare on current events, or made
fun of varsiry sports anywhere in
my viciniry." Many students, may
they be Latino, Catholic, vegan,
Communications majors, or For­
est residents, have reported similar
feelings. Nor one of chem has had
their view points challenged since
they returned co school.
7he Pioneer Log sought out
known campus activist Adrian Guerrilla (' 12) co ask his opin­
ion on the strange turn of events.
He could not be found for several
days, but eventually he was located
in a distant corner of the library
with his headphones plugged into
his I-pod, reading Are You 7here
God? It's Me, Margaret.
"I'm taking some rime off. I
haven't opened a newspaper in
days. Whac do you wane me co
do? I can't have an opinion all the
time," said Guerrilla.
Our next stop was rhe Biol­
. ogy department, and the. office
of Professor of Biology Kenan
Fall. "Spring is traditionally and bi­
ologically a rime of the year when
things come alive: plants bloom,
animals mare, the days become
longer. Even humans respond to
rhe vitamin D Aooding their sys­
tems. Sometimes, however, there
is a sort of Auke, and it is difficult
to say why this is. Maybe everyone
is subconsciously conserving their
energy for an upcoming disaster.
Perhaps midterms were particularly
difficult this year. Ir is hard co say,"
explained Autumn.
Many round cable discussions
went unattended. The free con­
doms remained untouched. Stu­
dent grade point averages are at an
all time high, but students remain
unmoved. THE MO Y LOG, PRIL I, 2011
Maggie's has benefited from the recent docility of Lewis & Clark students. While stu­
dents would usually be out and about, over the past week they have taken to staying
on campus and studying quietly.
A Capella group, The Stew-Crew, busted for using instruments
BY J. EUSTACE HARTWELL
even members of the Stewart
residence hall-based group The
cew-Crew are being held by Cam­
pus afery following reports char
they had been practicing with in­
struments for the upcoming end of
year concert.
Campus afery received a tip
chat a trombone had· been found
unattended in an empry classroom
of Evan Music Building chat the
Stew-Crew was known co practice
in. Officer William Howard Taft reco~red the trombone char af­
ternoon. "The first thing I noticed
was chat the spit valve wasn't emp­
ry. My sister played the trombone
for twelve years growing up, and I
remember she used co always emp­
ty the spit valve before she fini hed.
I thought co myself, either chis per­
son doesn't know what they're do­
ing, or they want it ro look that
way."
Taft performed DNA analy­
sis on the saliva from the trom­
bone's emptied spic valve, and ran
it against Campus Safety's stutlenr
Co-op plans to distribute
marijuana grown by Garden Club
tory continued from page 1
Due co concerns from admin­
iscracors and ocher departments
around campus, the Campus Liv­
ing office has been asked co govern
the growing and disrriburion pro­
ces , as well as ecurity.
Risk Management Cootdinaror
Rob Lomtin voiced concern about
the growth of marijuana on school
grounds, stating issues with poten­
tial thefr as welJ as the issue of ani­
mals that may get inro che plants.
"The campus is not responsible
for supplying drug fiends, nor is
it going co be responsible the first
rime a neighbor's Labrador eats
some weed and has a bad trip."
Campus Living responded co
A member of Garden Club prepares the
soil for the first marijuana plants. this matter by adding the garden
as an additional location for RAs co
check on during evening rounds.
"I know it's kind of a hassle
approving all this drug activity,"
said Purry. "Bocrom line is, we all
smoke weed and in order co im­
prove our carbon footprint, as a
college, we have co scare inning in
a sustainable way."
Purry calculated that rhe major­
ity of marijuana smoked by Lewis
& Clark students was driven in
from over eighr locations in ali­
fornia, Colorado, Montana and
Canada. Before the Garden Club,
very few LC marijuana users pur­
chased local bud.
"Most LC weed is from Hum­
boldt, which is exactly 420.8 miles
• away," Purry explained. "Vans drive
up once or twice a month, depend­
ing on how well sales are doing,
which means anywhere from 60 co
100 gallons of gas are spent on dis­
tribution a month. And this is just
from Humboldt alone!"
ale of the bud will begin dur­
ing NSO weekend where che Co­
Op will offer a workshop on DIY
paraphernalia making that will fo­
cus on sustainable ways co smoke
the weed. Buyers are recommend­
ed co bring their own glass or metal
container co pick up their bud in
an effort co reduce plastic bag use.
Anyone interested in volunteer­
ing to manage the garden over the
summer or help harvest and trim
in August should email poconcam­
pus@lclark.edu. biological database, where he says a
member of rhe Srew-Crew popped
up.
Thinking an instrument scan­
dal might run deeper than just one
member, Taft devi ed a sting in
which he and three ocher Campus
Safety officers po ed as a ba{_ber­
shop quarter from Portland Scace
University, calling themselves rhe
Leder-Bros-en, a witty play on rhe
traditional German breeches, and
then contacted the group through
Facebook suggesting the they and
the quarter practice together. After several hours of fraterniz­
ing the officers brought out a gui­
tar, a violin, a viola, and several in­
struments of the percu sion family,
asking if anyone could play. " Once
we got 'em on rape saying they'd
been chinking of adding some in­
struments co their show for a while,
we nabbed 'em," said Taft.
When contacted by 7he Pio­
neer Log Stew-Crew added in­
sult co injury when they said,
m aucorune, "Noooooooooo
cooomment oooonnn rttrhhhe
stooooorrrryyyyyyyy."
First-year President Blassner
recalls year of new experiences
BY J. EUSTACE HARTWELL
Before he arrived at Lewis &
• Clark chis fall, first-year President
Gary Blassner was a little nervou .
Bue now, with his second semester
nearing completion, he looks back
on a year filled with excitement
and change.
"Before I gor here, most of what
I knew about LC was straight from
Collegeboard. I remember visiting
and then calling my mom after­
wards, and she was like, 'Gary, can
you see yourself being pre idem
there?' and I didn't even chink, I .
just answered, 'Yeah."'
Although a success by all mea­
sures, Blassner's first year wasn't
without its rough parches. Bouts
of homesickness in the fall and los­
ing his work study this spring for
goofing off coo much were harsh
reminders co Blassner that being a
college president means acting with
maturity. Blassner feels thankful
for great friends to get him through
the rough patches, and sees bright
prospects in his LC future.
"The first year is an especially
turbulent time for all college presi­
dents," said Director of Wellness
ervices Ron Handfoor. "I got an
email lace last summer telling me co
keep an eye on Gary, what with the
new environment and all. I've mer
with him several time this year
and I'm happy co say he is transi­
tioning exceptionally, better than
most first-years. Those of us who
were here back in 2004 remember Tim Lochscercler's fuse year. Don't
gee me wrong, he settled down
into a great presidency. Bur if I had
nickel for every rime Tim called me
sobbing incoherently, asking why
more girls don't like him ... "
While settling in, Blassner has
found the sraff ar LC very accom­
modating. "I am so glad they lee
me brrng my car," said Blassner,
who found circumventing rhe no­
cars-for-firsr-years rule easier char
expected. "I just emailed Transpor­
tation and Parking and made up
some excuse, like, 1 need a car co
President Blassner is
transitioning exception­
ally, better than most
first-years.
go home and live with my family,
and they said, 'OK, Mr. Blassner.'"
In his friend group, Blassner is
"the car guy," which is fine by him.
Ir's meant countless lace night trips
co Bannings, "rad" concerts and
hours of cruising on rhe weekends.
"I think they call them Infinicis
because that's the limit on fun you
can have in chose cars," said close
friend Ben Bong ('14).
"Oh, Ben's great. Sometimes
it's hard to make regular student
friends when you're rhe college
president, bur he makes it easy,"
aid Blassner. "I just wi h he'd quit
asking me co buy him beer. News3
ASLC
Update
A weekly column
about student
government
BY TIMOTHY EGAN
A resolution passed ar lase
week's senate meeting, if approved
by the Board of Trustees, chat
would replace the administration
with ASLC officers.
ASLC President Pith Damp
('11) explained char the officers
had been brainstorming during
their poorly attended office hours
and realized char this would be
the simplest solution co all of thei~
problems: how to connect the stu­
dents with the adminiscrarion, how
co deal more directly with chang­
ing school policies and how co cake
control of funds and forgo bureau­
cratic processes.
"We've got rhe ne_cessary skills,"
said ASLC Treasurer Gabe Mon­
tague ('I I). "I can dole our a bud­
get like nobody's business. Karl
Dance, watch our!"
When asked how he felt about
the resolution, Karl Dance replied,
"What? I've never beard of such a
thing! We value our staff at Lewis
& Clark College."
Thi change would be calculat­
ed co save several million dollars.
"Do you know how much the
[LC] president makes? Neither do
I. Bur ir is a lot. Over $300,000.
If I were co replace Gary Blassner,
all I would ask for is fuJI ruirion.
We would save so much money,"
said enaror miles Patterson (' 13)
of the cost benefits implied by rhe
resolurion.
Internacional Stud en rs of Lewis
& Clark Representative Eel Mur­
ray ('13) has hi eye on the Direc­
tor of International Srudents and
cholars position. He has many
ideas for surmounting the issue of
low diversity at the College, in­
cluding traveling co other coun~
cries and making friends. He would
draw college-aged students in with
his amiable nature and convince
them to apply co LC.
"Efficiency," said Junior enacor
Nick Heffner ('12), who recently
instituted Dovecote office hours.
"Our aim is co eliminate the last
seep between the students and the
school."
"I've already got my foor in the
door," said ASLC Vice President
Zinger Blam (' 13), referring to the
Frank Manor House. 'It scarred
with rhe Armstwng Lounge and
Monday tudy hour. Next year I
want an office and a desk and one
of tho e ergonomic office ehairs
from Sweden."
Damp noted that the change
would likely improve rhe problem
of low interest in ASLC positions
come election time. o longer
would candidates be running un­
opposed. There would be lines of
students hoping for rhe financial
benefits and resume booster. "We
would be the new RAs," she said.
Asked his opinion, Dean of
Students and Chief Diversity Offi­
cer Celestial Lima Bean said, "You
know what? I'm willing co discu
this. Anyone who has any ideas re­
garding this resolution, feel free co
srop by my office or send me an
email. Maybe we could even sec up
a forum, because chis is a big idea."
7he resolution wi/L be reviewed
by the Board of Trustees at their next
meeting in May. 4 Opinions
My Junk ls
Down Here
A weekly feminist column
Penis power!
BY DICK SMALL
I have bad news; the rule of man is over. Last month the
White House released a comprehensive report on the status
of American women, and it seems they have taken over the
economy. The most disturbing finding was that women now
make $0.80 co every dollar a man makes. In 1979, women
made $0.62 for every dollar a man made, which means the
so-called "fairer" sex is stealing $0.18 more from our culture's
leaders.
ome have said chat chis statistic only highlights the op­
pression of women, but I say what about men? Every im­
portant person ever has been a man, and women are stealing
our ability co be important. In our modern matriarchy, every
time a woman gees paid, a man is deprived of a raise, a bonus
or both!
Feminise baby-eaters have convinced naive women chat
they have a right co payment, and even equality. This is not
what the Founders meant when they wrote the Magna Car­
ta. Science says that men are better at working than women.
From dishwashing co space exploration co zoo keeping, men
have evolved co win. We are even better at writing weekly
feminise articles in college newspapers. Lets face it; women
don't have the right ro write. And they should not be caking
$0.80 from deserving men.
Men, chis is Our-merica, not Their-merica! It's time we
cake a stand. This rime is our Alamo, our Thermopylae, our
Helm's Deep! Lee us figbc together for inequality, and maybe
save what's left of our beloved patriarchy.
Hey admissions
office, WTF?! Bring
back the hipsters
and hippies
BY DOWNWARD DOG
Diversity is an oft-mentioned subject at Lewis & Clark
College, and much effort is put into diversifying the student
body. Regardless of chis effort, though, two LC minorities are
frequencly ignored: the hipster indie-music-loving types and
the heady pot-smoking hippies.
We put way coo much effort into making chis school
friendly co interesting world-changers and, in doing so, have
neglected our own. Our school has become full of the worthy
and intelligent from foreign lands. What about all the privi­
leged American children with no place co comfortably waste
their parents' money, get laid and rake drugs?
I've gone co a lot of musical performances all over LC over
the last four years, and judging from the selection of music,
we've got a lot of work co do until we're "diverse." Where is
the indie music, folks?
No one drinks PBR anymore, no one rides fixies, rolls
their own cigarettes, or takes artistic photo -and it's be­
cause the administration is diluting the student. body, re­
cruiting students who wane co get something out of their col­
lege experience. No one plays guitar anymore, it's all flute, all
bassoon, all hammer-dulcimer, all the time. Where are my
singer-songwriters, com-com-heavy beats and shameless mu­
sical ploys for female arrention? Where did all the eccentric
handlebar moustaches go?
But the hipsters are not all we lack: we lack hippies coo.
No one has an appreciation for quality bands like the tring
Cheese Incident anymore. It's psychedelic-rrance-bluegrass,
dude! Get our your hula-hoop and let your dreadlocks swing
free!
Back when I was a freshman, people smoked pot, cook
acid, listened co the Grateful Dead and partied all night long.
Our school has become serious and academic: instead of
hearing about how high everyone got at the concert, 1 hear
about test scores and grad school! What has the world come
to?
On_ cop of chat, there are no longer enough rich hippies co
support a diverse and multi-faceted crystal and craft-making
market! What are the craftspeople co do?
Today, friends, we are a lopsided school, a school without
a center, without balance. We've lost our roots and our soul,
and only by aggressively recruiting the wealthy, self-righteous
hippies and hipsters of our fair land can we correct chis bal­
ance-and save our souls. THE MOSSY LOG, APRIL I, 2011
Text more,
speak less
BY WHOOLITA POOWART
An article in the World Tribune from March 28 stared chat
a newly passed law permits teachers and students co commu­
nicate via text message while in class. The new act will go into
effect at the start of next academic year.
The law was in resp911se co an increasing trend in reacher­
student text messages over the past five years. Recent surveys
of class participation have shown that studencs are asking an
estimated 15 questions fewer per class due to feelings of dis­
comfort in speaking aloud co another human being.
The majority of teachers are embracing this change be­
cause, as one professor at Lewis & Clark noted, "Ir makes
our jobs a lot easier now mat we can spend about 35 percent
less time lecturing." The professor also noted chat, thanks co
texting, he hasn't had co buy Throat Coar tea or lemon loz­
enges in weeks.
Really, it is about rime chis law passed. I was starting co
worry mat I was doing my daily finger srrengmening exer­
cises and my timed blind keyboard typing resrs for nothing.
Texring is beneficial in multiple ways: it requires one co
chink before "speaking," it promotes clear and succinct com­
munication and it permics an otherwise avoided level of hon­
esty.
The only downside chat I can really think of relates co an
article I recencly read in Womens Health Magazine stating
chat there are an unprecedented number of youth between
the ages of 13 and 24 whose vertebrae in the neck region
are permanencly arching downward, which is causing mild co
extreme discomfort when one tries co look forward. "In the
most extreme of cases," the article reads, "gazing up cowards
the sky is out of the question." Personally, I'm not dissuad-ILLUSTRATION BY SKETCH MCGEE
ed-when just about everything we ear or breathe these days
causes cancer, wbar's a lircle hump in the neck?
I ee chis law as the government's way of expressing empa­
thy for our generation. We had no choice in the matter when
we were plopped from our mother's womb into a world pop­
ulated by nearly seven billion people who don't talk co each
ocher in person. Having been raised in today's culture, we
see the beauty and fun that electronic goodies have co offer.
It still surprises me char our umbilical cords haven't yet gone
wireless.
The point is, I wouldn't be expressing my opinion right
now if I weren't able co type it. Face-co-face communication
requires coo much effort-you have co make eye concacc,
deal with awkward silences and worry about whether or not
your breach smells.
Some may question why I choose co text my boyfriend
when he is standing right next co me, and ochers may warn of
text-induced vocal failure, but I say, who cares! By choosing
co text, I'm saying sayonara co sweaty palms and aloha co the
freedom co chat whenever and with whomever I want.
Back that bumper up and stick it
BY GOTTALOTTA SAY
I've got an opinion about
bumper stickers: those
things are fucking awesome.
If ever there was a better
way co blatancly broadcast
opinions co people without
forming sentences or com­
municating face co face, I
haven't found it.
The joys of being able
to place a semi-permanent
rectangle of text on a car and
know chat the person wait­
ing at a stoplight behind you
muse read it are unfathom­
ably vase.
These intrusive secs of
text truly bring human­
ity's awesome power co new
heigh cs. The other day, for in­
stance, I was driving my car
from point A co point 8. In
front of me, with just the
simplest' three-word phrase,
I saw the force of bumper
stickers at work: "Peace not •
war," it read. Immediate­
ly bright emotions rush~d
through my psyche and I
thought, "Boy, I don't like
war either, chis guy is really
making something of him­
self and I would love co meet
him."
This person had the ini­
tiative and the know-how
co purchase chis sticker and
put it on the back of his car,
which really made me feel
a litcle lesser than him. I
mean, I don't have any bum­
per stickers, and I sure as hell am not doing anything else
co stop war, so isn't he the
bigger man?
Let me present you with
another example of the pow­
er of bumper stickers. It was
at a stoplight chis rime. On
the back window of a Ford
pickup truck, I saw the
words "Don't tread on me!"
This made me chink of
how rugged chis man must
be, how huge his gonads
must be if he not only drives
a car of chis extreme cali­
ber, but also how he has the
strength and fortitude co
scream at us, his unsuspect­
ing followers, what a bad
idea it must be to get in his
way.
Boy, talk about intimi­
dation! But char isn't all of it! He even had a sticker of
Calvin (from Calvin and
Hobbes) pissing on a don­
key (a Democrat). What
a brave way co sec yourself
apart from ochers!
So, please, put more
bumper stickers on your
cars! Tell me co be a vegetar­
ian, tell me co support breast
cancer research, shout at me
the wonders of Jesus/God.
I wane bumper stickers
because I love co have no
choice ocher than co read
the nonsense somebody else
wrote, summing up your
simple-minded beliefs.
Please buy bumper stick­
ers, because I don't have any
other way co learn what you
chink you chink and I really,
really wane co!
Sustainability is Stanky A weekly column dedicated to
environmental issues
BY RAQUEL GREEN
West Virginia is naturally an inhospitable land filled
with impenetrable forests, jagged mountain ranges and vi­
cious creatures. Fortunately, a recent alliance of over 122
coal companies has altruistically come together co transform
the treacherous Appalachian Mountains into a flat land of
peaceful tranquility.
Renovating natural mountain ranges has helped improve
the quality oflife for communities aero s the Ease Coast. The
greatest outcome would be co completely rid the region of
all vicious wildlife, rough landscapes and threatening vegeta­
tion. The region may then be reclaimed as human-friendly
and manufactured.
The West Virginia mountains are extremely unpleasant
and are best characterized as "sundry," containing a weal ch of
large deciduous broadleaf trees. Visitors and local residents
frequently complain about the rusding of leaves in the wind
and the crisp air; their preference is for the newly created,
flat, pollution-filled neighborhoods and an absence of veg­
etation.
The Appalachian Mountains are also hoses co vicious
creatures such as turkeys, bears, beavers, bobcats and owls.
These animals have been known co maul and even kill fully
grown men. Thanks co coal companies, the native species
have been driven co near extinction, opening up safe routes
across chis once perilous terrain. "We, the coal companies, have been reclaiming these hos­
tile wooded and mountainous land for decades," said Chris
Hamilton from West Virginia Coal Association, one of the
~any selfless coal companies char. have been excavating the
West Virginia mountains for over 30 years.
"Because of our efforcs, citizens can enjoy a newly con­
structed wide open plain for general merriment and a few
rounds of golf."
The coal companies' adopted method is called moun­
taintop removal. This process also happens co contribute co
the production and extraction of America's number one en­
ergy source: coal. This coal extraction removes the hazardous
mountainous landscape and flattens the land.
In addition co removing the hostile environment, ocher
positive side effects include rerouting waterways, creating
dire roads on mountainsides, clearing wooded area for hasty
reseeding and making West Virginia distinguishable from
space.
However, the most valuable aspect of the coal companies'
efforts has been in creating numerous sites for sustainable
economic development. Now chat che bothersome moun­
tains and trees are gone, West Virginia companies can prop­
erly inhabit and develop the newly fashioned flat prairie land.
"Our mountain cop projects open up hundreds of miles
of space," aid reve ears from Massy Energy, a compassion­
ate anti-union mountain renovating company, in a recent
press release. "It creates room co build cement manufacturing
planes and scrip malls." THE MOSSY LOG, APRIL I, 2011
Yo, -don't forget to put the headline to honor
good old alum Monica Lewinsky hollaaaa
BY CLINT PEREZ
Despite having statues of Sacagawea, York and Seaman gracing
our campus for their important roles in history, Lewis & Clark has
done a horrible job of honoring our most famous alum.'Campus is
missing a fine shrine to our most beloved alum: Monica Lewinsky.
Sure, we have Representative Earl Blumenauer and ... weU, other
famous alumni, bur Monica deserves special tribute to aU char she
has accomplished in her life, with her involvement in a Jenny Craig
advertisement, her hosting of a reality show, the creation of a line
of handbags and char stuff with President Clinton. There i~ no bet­
ter rime rban now to honor such accomplishments.•
With the college's shiny, new and widely accepted VESP, we
are going to be saving quire a bit of money. Bur what are we going
to do with that dough? Have more 3CE pizza parties? How about
more midnight breakfasts? More poorly attended speaker events?
No, VJe should invest in more art on campus. You can do a lot
with $1.75 million, and what better way to spend it than on the
construction of a bronzed statue of Ms. Lewinsky?
The statue (which should be constructed by an artist within 100
miles, to keep it local, of course) could feature Ms. Lewinsky, cigar
in hand, overlooking the Student-Alumni Gatehouse.
To further make up for LC's lack of Lewinsky love, I believe
that including one of her many biographies on the reading list for
all 2011-2012 Exploration & Discovery sections would help im­
mensely improve the LC undergrad experience.
LC has an exciting history, bur it is no longer acceptable to keep
Ms. Lewinsky hidden from the masses. Ir is rime to pull open the
doors of the Oval Office and let our pride shine!
PHOTO COURTESY Of TYLER CRAMMEDIN
This statue, depicting Monica gettin' mossy with it, is a great use of VESP $
The Toucan: Let's all be businessmen
A weekly column dedicated to social justice issues
BY SCRUDA POLIS
The Environmen-
tal Affairs Sympo­
sium is being planned
right now, and I'd Hke
to suggest a theme:
"Dr. Custer, or How I
Learned to Stop Wor­
rying and Love Geno­
cide." Wair. Let me ex­
plain.
Last Wednesday, I
biked 'through freezing
rain to a teach-in down­
town at the Eliot Sus­
tainability Center, cour­
tesy of Rising Tide, the
Coalition for Climate
Justice and Columbia
Riverkeepers.
For the following
, two hours, I dragged
my soul through the
muck of evil plans that
oil a-nd coal companies
had devised to destroy
the Columbia River and
the people of Alberta.
There really is no way
to aeal with this kind of apocalyptic reality.
So let's embrace it and
join the businessmen al­
ready!
Seriously, once we
jump over the hurdles,
-chink about how awe­
some Tar Sands devel­
opment will be! First,
there's its impact on cli­
mate change. So about
25 percent of Lewis & surfing.
If environmentalists
get angry at you for cut­
ting a few million trees,
you could always "off­
set" it. Carbon offsets
are an easy way to please
the bleeding-heart liber­
als, even though they do
absolutely nothing.
These days, you
could slap a "green"
No self-respecting liberal would ever
sanction killing indigenous peoplt­
but if you tie a green bow on it, you can
sell it so hard that they'll be begging
you to pic_k up the chainsaws.
Clark students come
from the Bay?
Just imagine the real
estate opportunities: in
15 years, we'll all own
beachfront property!
LC would be way cooler
if you could walk down
Palatine Hill Road to go sticker on a turd and
make a fortune. Climate
change is the best thing
to hapg,en co neoliberal
imperialism since Fried­
man's shock doctrine!
Case in point: the
UN approvc;d projects
co cut down protected forests and kick . out is so minimal that no­
the indigenous people body will even scop co
living on chem so that notice. All anyone will
companies could plane see when you're giv-.
soybean crops and build ing Canadians Lupus
dams, aU because it was disease . or evicting in­
"green"! digenous in southern
I've never seen liber-Mexico, will be your
als swooning over .the shiny thumbs-up-32-
World Bank and the tooth smile on the front
CEO of Wal-Marr like of the Lewis and Clark
chat before. No self-re- website. You'll be wor­
specring liberal would shipped for being a
ever sanction killing in-mass murderer.
digenous people-bur See, I figure that
if you tie a green bow all we need is a lobor­
on it, you can sell it so omy and some power
hard that they'll be beg-suits. Sure, there will
ging you co pick up the be the occasional radi­
chainsaws. cal throwing pie in our
The businessmen face or blowing up our
who came up with property, but they're
this idea everi gave it a just eco-terrorists.
bleeding-heart name for If we say the words
kicks: Reducing Emis-"VanJones-AIGore­
sions from Deforesca- GreenTech" over and
rion and Forest Degra- over as fast as we can,
darion (REDD.). How nobody will pay them
beautifully cynical! And 'any mind. We can suck
oversight of any "green this planet and its peo­
development" projects • pie dry.
Word on the Knoll Julia and Beau set out with a fresh question for y'all.
'
BY JULIA STEWART AND BEAU BROUGHTON
~ OpinionsS
Biking aln't
worth my tim-e
BY BUNZO STEEL
For chose of you who own a car bur are now con­
sidering a bicycle due co the rise in gas prices, you
may wane co ask yourself what your time is worth?
I have been hearing barrels of complaints about the
nation's increasing petrol prices, which are hover­
ing around $4 per gallon. Filling your rank equates
t!) a week's worth of groceries or a balf-keg of pale
ale, depending on where you wane to source your
calories.
Those may seem Like hard opportunity coses co
swallow, bur I figure the time and personal energy
saved by driving a car (versus riding a bike) is well
worth the money.
. It rakes the average person about nine minutes
co shower, followed by 12-20 minutes spent get­
ting dressed, depending on the level of .concern
for personal appearance. le may rake, perhaps, an­
other 25 minutes co cook up that delicious egg and
sausage sandwich for breakfast and to energize on
the best the coffee world has co offer, Starbucks'
Morning Roast. Feeling clean, confident and caf­
feinaced; chose Americans who would also like co
add "convenience" co this fine pattern of alliteration
will choose co hop into their four-door vehicles and
drive the average 20-minute commute co their des­
tination.
On the way, while listening co Usher's bangin'
bear, "Oh My God," you'U be coo consumed with
the bass reverbera,ing in your soul co chink about
your full tank o_f gas funding terrorists in the Mid­
dle East or the drowning polar bears in the Arctic.
Jamming co music while you temporarily drive
with your knees and respond co a text may make
you feel so powerful char· you begin co daydream
about the world being yo)lr oyster: "i am as free a.s
the movies I stream from Hulu," you may think co
yourself.
Thoughts begin to erupt in your brain of spon­
taneously exiting I-5 South co ditch class and head
west cowards che coast or co drop out of scbool al­
cogecher and head co Mexico to learn salsa dancing
and eat.tamales. A gaze down co see that your gas
rank is full makes you realize these thoughts are not
mere fantasy, bur thoroughly possible.
The 20-minure commute has flown by, and you ,
arrive at work, school or the unemployment office
feeling glorious. From waking until arrival at your
destination, the average car driver will have spent an
hour and nine minutes.
By comparison, the biker, who spent the same
49 minut.is showering, dressing and earing, has
not yet arrived beqmse their commute cakes twice
as long. Funhermore, despite having used up pre­
cious water this morning while lathering themselves
in Lemongrass body wash, they will have to shower
yet again upon their arrival. (another nine minutes)
and change out' of their spandex bike attire chat is
better suited for ninjas and scuba divers (another
15 minutes).
Before finaUy sitting down at their desk co gee
around co contributing something co society, the
bik~r will have spent an hour and 53 minutes for a
far less enjoyable morning experience.
I ask you: what price rag ar!! you wilJing' co place
on those 44 minutes when they could mean the
chance co send off four vital emails, get your favor­
ite seat in class before Charlie cakes it or arrive at the
Dovecote before they run our of Everything bagels?
We only have one life co live and that makes
each minute precious. Gas is going co have co be a
lot more expensive than $4 a gaUon for ·me co aban­
don my four-wheel drive.Hummer heaven.
What are your plans for April 1?
Jocelyn Madder ('11) Agnes White ('69) Forrest Benchalott ('12) Xander Spokel ('14) America Spyrlt (R-d-tard) Garrett Grimm ('13)
"Doing interpretive
dances to Animal
Collective on shrooms." "Placeholder answer
to be filled in later:
Really, only a
placeholder." "DAMN GURL YO
FISHTAIL SO NICE
LEMME GET IN ON
DIS" "I must get to the Bike
Co-Op. GTFO, fatties." "Looking forward to an
adderall-powered phil­
osophical debate with
. my fellow Reedies. " "I don't want to talk
about it." 6 Style Source THE MOSSY LOG. APRIL I, 2011 • • THE MOSSY LOG .. APRIL I, 2011
E& D Professor turns to student­
led classes to boost morale
BY BEATRICE KEISTER
Let's face it: the uaditional lecture format of classes
may lose its appeal for pupils after weeks of exposure,
assuming ic had any appeal co begin wich. An impe­
tus for education departments co change the scyle of
teaching is moieapparent than ever in the form of tar­
dies and unfocused students.
A radical new scyle of teaching, in which the entire
class is run by students, is slowly gaining popularity
within the academic world. One professor ac Lewis &
Clark swears by its productivity.·
E&D professor Lara Johnston, whose section en­
titled "Brooks in Looks" has recently implemented the
student-run teaching form.at and says she can already
see the positive effects.
"Ln all my years of teaching I've never seen so much
productivity and creativity in just an hour. It's amazing
what scudencs can do if we lee chem."
:Noc all the Exploration and Discovery professors
are on board with the implementation of student-run
classes. Those in opposition share a fear that _their rep­
utation as educators could be tarnished.
Professor Ed Kushmane is among che few profes­
sors who publicly dispute student led classes.
"What are we getting paid for if we're not teaching?
If we continue having students cake charge and choos­
ing what material co go over, professors and teachers as
a whole are going co be seen as lazy, and I don't want
• chat kind of negative attention."
Conrrary co che previously mentioned pushback, a
recent study put out by Learning Summit sqows chat
overall classroom productivity increases by 20 per­
cent and average retention rares increase by 13 percent -when a peer lectures on his or hersubjecc matter. Since
• the teaching scyle is still in its preliminary phase, stud­
ies done by Learning Summit have received relatively
lictle press or acknowledgement, which can possibly
explain why some professors oppose such a progressive
technique.
Not included in ·che Learning Summit study, but
ooced by Johnston, is the improvement in quality and
quantity of classroom participation. She attributes chis
trend co the extra pracnce in public speaking.
"It was such a struggle co gee my kids co talk before.
I don't know if chey were shy or whatever, bur ever
since I tried chis they contribute on their own. And
they're saying some preccy enlightening scuff, coo."
Last Wednesday in Johnston's morning lecture
class, she gave some input on the current material and
immediately noticed chat minds were wandering and
heads were drooping. Before the puddles of drool on
desks became any larger, she cut her presentation short
and resumed her position as discussion facilitator.
First-year Annie Shmoltz (' 14) was scheduled to in­
struct chat day and gladly cook Johnston's spot at the
from of the classroom.
"It's actually kind of fun after the first couple of
times. I was definitely intimidated, bur I've got the
hang of it now. And as a listener, it's like I'm on ad­
derail or something. Usually it's pretty hard for me co
pay a hundred percent attention co lectures the entire
time, but now I can," said Shmoltz.
_As the first professor at LC co rest chis seemingly
superior scyle of teaching, Johnston cakes progressive­
ness co a new level. The efficiency of student-run class­
es is setting the bar high for oche~ E&D sections and
classes in general.
Dorm Cooking: Peanut butter and
jelly sandwich honors PB&J Day
BY SHA_I-LI HERTZ
National Peanut Butter and
Jelly Day is tomorrow, so in honor
of the celebrated holiday, dorm
cooking is making an average, run­
of-the-mill, standard American
PB&].
Ingredients:
Smooch or chunky peanut butter­
whichever kind fies your mood at
the time of sandwich creation.
Jelly -strawberry or grape is
recommended. If you wane co be
avant-garde try using jellies from
marionberries or olallaberries.
Bread -wheat if you want co be
healthy, white if you want co be
more classic.
Directions:
I. Take cwo uncoasced slices of
bread and put chem on a plate.
2. With a butter knif!!, spread a
large amount of peanut butter
on one slice of bread and a large
amount of jelly on che ocher. Make
sure that the entire surface of each PHOTO BY SHAL-LI HERTZ
The finished Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich, a perfect dorm room snack:
slice of bread is covered with che
respective spread. .
3. Puc one slice of bread on cop of
the ocher. Be sure co make the jelly
and peanut butter sides face one
another.
4. Cut the sandwich diagonally
REAL ADVERTISEMENT across from corner co corner for
maximum earing pleasure. Trust
me, a diagonally cut sandwich
tastes the best.
To spice up the sandwich, try mix­
ing ic up with different breads, nut
butters and jellies or jams. Features 7
LC History: Lewis
and Clark, the story
behind the m.en
A weekly column dedicated to digging up the College's past
BY SHERLOCK GODLOTTS
Much of the historical informa­
tion presented in chis weekly col­
umn has come from Reckham's
own book on Lewis & Clark his­
tory, a book now under question
as investigations continue into his
fraudulent creation of the narrative
of the Lewis and Clark expedition
[see News section]. A flurry of his­
torical research has revealed chat
Reckham's narrative ofLC's history
is far more believable than the idea
of the college having once been a
bastion of a trade-oriented Chris­
tian education.
In reality, LC was named for
cwo local loggers, John Lewis and
Joe Clack. They woke.up every day,
showered, got dressed, drank coffee
and ace breakfast. Joe would drive
co John's house 1n his pickup truck
and the cwo would go co some old­
growth and spend their days hack­
ing through forests.
As they deforested the north­
west, Lewis and Clark dreamed
of a place where they could wear
their flannels every day, without
having co wash chem -ever. They
imagined living where they could
listen co alternative music no one
had ever heard of, wear jeans char
were coo tight and don glasses
with lenses chat served ne practical
function. They envisioned a world
of godless liberalism, free of things
like conservatives, real jobs and re­
sponsibility.
After cutting wood all day, they •.
would have a giant bonfire and long for African drums and banjos.
Then chey would go home, eat a
simple meal, watch bad celevision
and go tQ bed. This was the life of
Lewis and Clark.
O_ne day while cutting through
the woods, they found themselves
in from of a strange mansion sur­
rounded by trees and bedecked by
eagle statues. They were greeted at
che door by a man named Frank
Manor.
Frank invited them in for a
strange fermented beverage· made
by a bacterial colony, served in glass
mason jars. -Frank called it "Kom­
bucha," and while they drank ic,
Lewis and Clark found themselves
sharing their vision of a beauri­
ful place char was filled with the
pungent smell of unwashed young
people.
Frank cook it all in, and then
asked John Lewis and Joe Clark
co cut down the trees that sur­
rounded his house. They gave him
a nice lawn, and for good measure
dug out a pool and planted some
roses. Then they left, went home,
watched bad television and lived
dissatisfied lives.
Frank Manor, inspired by the
kindness of the men arid their vi­
sion, decided to turn his house inco
a school for adults who weren't
quite ready· ro leave childhood
behind. He was inscrumencal in
bringing the vision of Lewis and
Clark co fruition, and co remind
himself of his quest, named the
school after chem. The c.L:eam con­
tinues co chis very day.
Local Burger King
changes to cater non:
-meat eating population
BY BEATRICE KEISTER
What was once a haven for
cheap and fast munchies has been
reduced co a mere pile of rubble.
The sight of the corn down Burg­
er King on Barbur Blvd. elicited
groans of despair from RAZ rid­
ers as it slowed down to drop off
passengers. It was a horrible sight
co see. But just as a phoenix rises
from a lump of ashes, a newer and
more sophisticated Burger King
will soon be built.
Burger King manager ?con
Mackin has recently announced
chat chis branch location will be re­
modeled both in architecture and
menu options.
In an exclusive Piolog interview,
Mackin leaked chat the Burger
King will only be serving vegetar­
ian and vegan-friendly foods.
"I can't wait for chis co launch.
Business is going co be huge," he
said.
Mackin also noted some of the
changes in Burger King's standard
menu: the famous BK Whopper
burger will lose its central com­
ponent, the beef pacey, and be re­
placed by a veggie pacey instead.
Fried mozzarella sticks are the des-'
ignated substitute for chicken nug­
gets while a salad bar will be con­
structed with a variety of toppings,
and many other adjustments will
be made.
Fast food restaurants are noto­
rious for having low quality food, bur regional manager Mackin vows
char chis branch will raise the bar.
"We have co raise our standards.
I mean, look at the type of people
were catering co. Most vegans and
vegetarians are disgusted by fast
food restaurants, so we have co be
careful on how we are going to
draw chem in."
The large market for vegan
and vegetarian options prompted
Mackin co transform the Burger
King. He predicts that business
will be higher than ic has ever been
before because of the upgrade.
Those against Burger King's
transition co an exclusively vegan/
vegetarian branch voice their con­
cern about high food prices on the
Oregonlife website. Opponents do
have legitimate claims given chat
the overall standard of food will in­
crease and, therefore, will be more
expensive ro produce. •
However, Mackin remains op­
timistic chat the restaurant will.
maintain its fast food prices. For
a limited rime, Mackin' is offering
coupon packers 'co Lewis & Clark
students, knowing they will pro­
vide a good portion of his business.
Simply waltz inco the Fred Meyer
next door co the demolished site,
present your LC ID co any score
clerk and ask for your coupons.
The vegan/vegetarian Burger
King is scheduled to open 'in early
2012. •
7601 SW Barbur Boulevard • 8 Features THE MO SY LOG, PRIL I, 2011
How to walk across a
bridge without failing
PHOTO BY SHAI-U HERTZ
Marge Castle ('12) and Charlotte Brunt (' 13) display their perfect walking form that should be modeled by all.
BY SHAI-LI HERTZ
The bridges on campus can become par­
ticularly slippery during episodes of rain,
snow, sleet, hail or other kinds of precipita­
tion. 7he Pioneer Log has done research and
compiled easy -steps to make sure that you
make it across the campus bridges safely dur­
ing various kinds of inclement weather.
1. Be confident. Visualize walking swiftly
and easily across the bridge.
2. Hold the handrails at all times. It may nor
be cool to show others that you are u ing the
supporting rails, bur it is a lot less cool to fall
Rae on your face while crossing the bridge.
3. Walk smoothly. Just walking carefully and
cautiously can be extremely helpful in avoid-ing caking a spill on the bridge. Concentrate·
on moving one step at a time.
4. Wear sturdy shoes. Shoes with little trac­
tion and support are more likely to be a cul­
pr.ic in raking you down while you trek across
the bridge.
Do not look down. Acrophobia (irratio­
nal fear of heights) can be triggered by look­
ing into the rayine below the bridges. Seeing
the distance frqm your feet to the bottom of
the ravine can cause uneasiness or distress
that may lead to unsteadiness on· the walk
to the other side of the bridge. Look straight
ahead and move quickly so as to nor get dis­
tracted by the forested area surrounding the
bridges. Don't move so quickly that you trip
over your own feet, though; this would in­
evi rably lead to embarrassment.
All librarians shall be armed
with beepers for student aid·
Story continued from page I
Librarians, however, have mixed views
on the initiative. Petunia Oglesby, Classical
Studies liaison, doesn't mind the extra work
at all. "I am a librarian, you know," she said.
"Books and research materials are my life."
Her children, Dewey, Desi and Mel don't
seem to·notice her extended absence either.
"Mother always told us that total immersion
is the true path to education," recalled Dew­
ey, a second grader at Clackamas Elementary,
"but you'll have to pardon me. Goethe isn't
going to read himself."
Graham Pendleton, International Affairs
liaison, felt quire differently about the mat­
ter. "Petunia has it easy. Nor only does she
nor have a life, but she doesn't have to deal
with the IA kids," he stated. "These kids live in their professors' offices. They linger over
the instructor's every word in their deranged
and rabid pursuit of Xs. Then, they come
to me as if it's somehow my problem if they
don't secure a UN internship or get into Har­
vard for grad school. It's just a B, dammit! I
haven't seen my wife in six days!" Pendleton
then displayed a day planner showing every
·half-hour session filled for the next three
weeks.
Student response to having librarians
on call has been overwhelmingly positive.
"When I found our that journals were both -
online AND offiine," said Manny Brillo
(' 11 ), "it blew my mind!"
Especially enthusiastic students have
even suggested that the pagers emit a slight
shock to librarians who don't respond in a
timely enough manner.
Perspecti'l!_es: Three four-legged
creatures of campus and a seagull
A weekly look into the thoughts of people within and outside of Lewis & Clark.
BY WHOOLITA POOWART AND TYLER
CRAM~EDIN
Hello Mr. Squirrel, how Long have you lived
in this here tree?
Mr. Squirrel: I've lived here through 12
winters now. My grandfather left hjs home
at the young age of two winters in search of
che sturdiest and most bountiful of trees and
chose this fine oak [cough].
Has much changed since you've been at
lewis & Clark?
Mr. Squirrel: Well, not too much in the
way of the tree or the nuts, but ever since
these green umbrellas were put in place,
there's been a con rant stream of smoke that
rises up [cotlgh] right into my tree home and
it has given me [cough] this awful cough. !e's
the strangest thing, I find that sometimes the
smoke makes me lose my appetite and other
times it makes me ravenous-fruits, nuts,
berries, you name it! Sometimes I want to ear
just about anything that my cheek pouches will fir.
Mrs. Raccoon: These dumpsters never
used to be something to brag about-chick­
en nuggets, pizza remnants, terrible pot pies
and Salisbury steak gristle-the usual atro­
cious college fare. But in recent years my
refined tastes have found surprising satis­
faction in the content of the LC dumpsters.
People think we raccoons eat just anything,
bur I can taste a GMO-suUied apple core
anywhere.
Mr. Seagull: ls that where I am?
What do you think about the students at
LC?
Miss Malamute: Ir's almost endearing
how much theywanr to pet me. When I walk
through campus I can feel them all looking
ar me, and saying to themselves, "My, what
a pretty dog." I don't let them all pet me, of
course. None of those dirty types or the ones
with the ugly shoes; only the worthy with
their styled hair and impeccable jeans.
Mr. Seagull: AHHHHHHHHHHHH­
HHH! Stop at superb hotnely diner
BY TYLER CRAMMEDIN
• Inconspicuously nestled amjd the houses
of Burlingame, four Lewis Clark sq1dents
have embarked to prove themselves Port­
land's next culinary visionaries. While th~ir
recycling bins full of PBR cans, Kraft Maca­
roni & Cheese boxes, and empty handles of
Evan Williams may appear commonplace
fo( an undergraduate household, Chez Bier­
cannes has taken such seemingly pedestrian
foodstuffs and transformed them into an un­
forgettable epicurean excursion.
Even before one has made it beyond the
charming Christmas light induced glow of
the front porch, he can begin to smell the
tantalizing musk of aged domestic brews
mixed with the always-pleasant yet lively
aroma of Antimicrobial Febreeze.
Once inside, diners are greeted by the
ever-smiling hostess: a cardboard replica
of fictional lifeguard CJ Parker, whom the
proprietors refer to colloquially as "Pam."
A handwritten -addendum to the buxom
facsimile invites customers to "Put it any­
where," which I was informed means that
diners should feel free to rest rhei r derrieres
and eat wherever there is an available spot in
the restaurant.
I selected a charming beanbag chair,
which included the added luxury of a chem­
istry textbook, an ingenious alternative co
the antiquated "rabies" upon which most
restaurants insist on serving their food. Noc
long after seating myself, Joseph "Scuzznuc" Fengler ('12), resident sommelier and co­
owner of Chez Biercannes, brought me the
provocatively appetizing three-course menu.
Once I expressed interest in the Potage du
Beermen for my first course, "Scuzznut" sug­
gested that the perfect pairing for the ramen
noodle soup in a Natural Ice broth would
likely be a Natural Ice pale lager.
Giving me time to select my next two
courses, "Scuzznut" left and soon returned
with my canned elixir and an exquisite-look­
ing holographic Trailblazers cup. Once as­
sured that the taste was ·co my liking, he then
poured the rest of the golden lager into the
cup. I was incrediQly impressed by the out­
standing service he showed when he sipped
the foam head off of my drink after being
taken aback by the unsuitably large head that
formed from his pouring.
Overall, my experience at Chez Bierc­
annes was marvelous. All of the sommeliers
suggestions were perfectly paired, my entree
of hordog rarrare with a corn chip crumb
and ketchup drizzle was simply delicious,
and I left with the sweetly lingering caste in
my mouth of Oreos con Leche and an Evan
Williams digestif. Chef Ronny "Tubz" Bu -
kin ('12) has truly outdone himself with an
inventive gourmet menu, including such en­
trees as a freezer-aged pizza and egg scram­
ble, a microwave scraping souffie, and the
Croque-Mayer (Biercannes' cake on hot ham
and cheese, a hoagie roll stuffed with Srira­
cha-laced Kraft macaroni and Oscar Mayer
bologna).
Presenting Lilo & Stitch
BY BEATRICE KEISTER
The Hawaii Club's annual Luau that was
scheduled to cake place Apr. 2 has been can­
celled due to lack of funding for the event.
For the past 20 years, the Luau program
consisted of a traditional Hawaiian dinner
and student-run performances including
fire arts and traditional dance styles like au­
ana, Haka and Tahitian. Club officer Laura
Nikon (' 11) addressed the cancellation of
Luau 2011: "We just haven't gotten enough
support from the student body this year, but
we still plan on enriching them 'with Hawai­
ian culture."
There was a general consensus among
Hawaii Club participants that it was tough
to replace the Luau with something cheaper,
bur that the substitute should be just as ful­
filling and entertaining. This year students
will get their.dose of Hawaii fun through the
screening of LiLo & Stitch, a 90-minute ani­
mated movie set in Kauai, Hawaii.
"I think it's a great idea. Cool terms like
"Ohana" and also barbeque gatherings are
everywhere in the film, and I think students
will really appreciate ic," ~aid Nikon.
Mr. Squirrel: I tell you, they are noth­
ing bur a rogue bind of wildly untamed rap­
scallions! [cough, cough] Talking all the time
about rock bands and overalls. Just when you
think you might be able to cruse 'em, they
blow their nose or speak, or bend down to
pick something up .... Crazy things .really.
Just run away, that's my motto. Ir may sound
drastic, but it keeps you from getting leashed
up and put in a cage.
How did you end up at LC?
Miss Malamute: I have found the
grounds here co be most accommodating to The protagonist, Lilo, a young girl who is
still learning about her own culture and iden­
tity, gives the audience an honest portrayal of
just how things are done on the small island
of Kauai. As the movie progresses, Lilo real­
izes, through the help of an extraterrestrial
creature, how great life is on chat 562 square
mile island.
Although many of us have seen the film as
children or have been exposed to it in some
form through pop culture references, Luau
coordinators urge participants to watch the
film again with a different perspective. The
film not only delivers the giggles and hap­
py vibrant colors that held our attention as
children, but also provides an accurate and
vivid window into the Hawaijan way of liv­
ing, something that could have been easily
overlooked through adolescent eyes.
Sure, the film does go off on a tangent
with the whole alien element, but the roots
of Hawaiian culture remain unchanged and
unfiltered in this gem of a film.
Selecting such an iconic film was no easy
fear for Hawaii club officials, and they hope
that their hard work will grab the attention
of those seeking a dose of cultural expo­
sure.
SEXON OEBEECH Animals from
all ends of
the foodchain
come together
to voice their
. perspectives
on living off
scraps found
on campus.
my delicate paws. The air is fresh. The toiler
potentials are bountiful. Ir's perfect for a dog
of my stature. My human sometimes tries co
cake me elsewhere, but I simply look at him,
pretend to whimper, give him my paw and
he melts like gelato in July. We only walk
here. The attention is irresi cible!
Mr. Seagull: [breathes heavily] Man,
I don't know, man. Alls I know is that one
day I'm Ayin' our in the Pacific and the next
thing I know it's nothin' but these terrible
tall green things everywhere! For the love of
God, where am I?! WHY AM I HERE?!?!?!?!
I just wanted a breadcrumb! Bill O'Reilly to
appear on_
"Intervention"
Enjoy Being a Woman'"
PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY DIRK DIGGLER
BY CHRISTMAS CUPCAKE
Fans of A&E's drug and dra­
ma-filled "Intervention" will be
pleased and perhaps surprised ro
learn that political commentator
Bill O'Reilly recently underwent
his own intervention, and the al­
ready controversial episode is slated
to air this Monday. As per standard
"Intervention" cactics, O'Reilly
was tricked into signing the show's
contract after he was cold the show
simply wanted to document his life
and addiction. Numerous friends
and co-workers of O'Reilly's plead­
ed with A&E ro document the in­
famous anchor's ever-worsening
addiction ro acting like a douche
bag.
"We first realized rhar BWy had
issues when he lost his sh*r on
the ser of 'Inside Edition' and just
screamed ar an intern about his
script," recalled O'Reilly's mother,
Winifred Angela Drake O'Reilly.
"We rhoughr ar first that the script
really did warrant a balls-our tem­
per tantrum, but then it just kept
getting worse."
"One rime ... he ... called me ...
a pinhead," stared radio and tele­
vision host Glenn Beck through
broken sobs in a pre-released clip
"Like castrating pa­
triotism with heroin­
scented lipstick. PIN­
HEAD!!"
of the upcoming episode. "I cold
him ... I cold nim to take it back. ..
that I was a patriot, a PATRIOT,"
sobbed Beck, "bur he said that m­
m-my rhetoric wasn't incendiary
enough."
Candy Finnigan will be
O'Reilly's celebrity intervention­
ist. "I consider myself more of a
sex addiction specialise," explained
Finnegan, "but Mr. O'Reilly's fre­
quent outbursts and narcissistic
tendencies are classic psychological
issues, really basic stuff we learn ro
treat early on. If we can get him ro
discuss a variety of issues he's cur­
rendy dealing with, specifically nis
insecurity surrounding his weight
and his crush on former governor
Sarah Palin, we hould be able ro
make significant progress."
O'Reilly was slated ro receive
treatment from the Berey Ford
Center, bur he refused, citing
tl1e rehabilitation clinic's femi­
nine name as emasculating or, as
O'Reilly put it, "like castrating pa­
triotism with heroin-scented lip­
stick. PINHEAD!!"
For rhe full episode, tune in ro
A&E on Monday, April 4 at 8 p.m.
or check You Tube at 9:04 pm. THE MOSSY LOG, APRIL 1; 2011
Photo of the Week
Van I. Tea ('14)
Van I. Tea is a master of self-portraiture. Here, he uses a mirror ro reflect his own image and a point­
and-shooc camera ro capture this vivid moment of emotion. His face appears content, non-challant,
bur really, he is brooding with emotion. His mind is in turmoil, his mind's eye scrutinizing every mis­
placed hair on his head, every wrinkle in his polo shirt, every open pore on his face. Truly, Van captures
the suffering of an artist, and does so flawlessly. It takes a talent ro recognize Van's subde message, but
it's definitely there.
BY MEAN SABINE
FRIDAY: A REVOLUTION
WE
WE
WE so
BY MEAN SABINE
Finally, an anthem for our
weekends-the most relarable
song since Asher Roth's "College"
is finally here. Everyone loves Fri­
day, and thirteen-year-old Rebecca
Black is no exception.
Black's song "Friday" has over
65,000,000 views on You Tube and
is one ofiTunes' top 100 songs this
month, and for good reason.
Her song is a work of lyrical ge­
nius, and it certainly resonates with
the average liberal arts student.
The song begins with Black get­
ting out of bed, annoyed rhat she
has to wake up so early, just as you
might feel waking up for your 8
a.m. Spanish class.
Before leaving the house, Black
expresses her appreciation for the
popular "wake and bake" ritual,
exclaiming, ''I've gotta have my
bowl." Black then hops in a car
wirh her friends and skips school,
singing "partyin', parcyin' yeal1!" a
sentiment felt by many during ev­
ery Friday.
Black's song focuses on rhe im­
portance of celebrating Friday. A
laborious week of class, reading,
meetings and feigning responsibil-icy that finally culminates into a
fantastic explosion of debauchery,
drunkenness and youthful indis­
cretion. "Everybody's look.in' for­
ward ro the weekend," Black sings.
And just in case you realize in
your drunken Friday stupor that
"Yesterday was
Thursday, today is
Friday, tomorrow is
Saturday and Sunday
comes afterward."
you no longer know what day it
is, Black will remind you. "Yester­
day was Thursday, today is Friday,
tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday
comes afrerward," Black clarifies.
Black's song truly embodies the
"fun, fun, fun, fun" char comes
with Friday. "We so excited, we,
we so excited!" she sings. Black is
truly the voice of our generation.
A breath of fresh air amidst tired
party jams ..
Her next single, "Saturday," will
be released sometime next month. PHOTO COURTESY OF ANORAK.CO.UK
In a recent interview with J 14 mag­
azine, Black said, '"Friday' really
inspired me ro explore all of the
wonders chat the different ·days of
the week have ro offer."
LC students love the song. The
Friday following its release, it could
be heard coming from every dorm
room on campus. "It really hies
home for me," said Grace Laguna
(' I 2). '"Her lyrics express exacdy
how I feel once the weekend rolls
around. I just 'gotta gee down!"'
In the music video, Black
spends her Friday speeding. down
the highway while standing in the
backseat of her friend's convertible,
wearing skimpy clothing and danc­
ing awkwardly. Truly, no better
representation of a typical Friday at
LC exists. Just trade the convertible
for a fixed gear bicycle and throw
in some PBR!
You're a fool if you don't make
"Friday" a part of your week. Don't
let her hardly teenage status fool
you-Rebecca Black is an inspira­
tion to youth and young adults ev­
erywhere, the greatest poet of our
time, and her song conveys what
we so look forward to all week
long, "geccin' down on Friday." •
Arts9
The
Fuzz
Box
ILLUSTRATION BY MEAN SABINE
BY RED CRAYOLA
Ir seems only obvious that mu­
sic lovers would be into the DIY
or "Do It Yourself" aesthetic. For
years, music junkies have been fol­
lowing small labels and bands that
release homemade and self-pro­
duced music. The following these
"DIY'' bands have been collecting
here on campus recently has de­
lighted me. Seeing the excellent
musicianship of bands like Andrew
Jackson Jihad and Against Me! gets
me excited again about music.
These bands should be com­
mended for there excellent lyricism
as evidenced by the song "Jesus
Saves," by Andrew Jackson Jihad,
whkh contains the lines "Once an
hour a day I get very sad I_ Once
an hour a day I get depressed /
When chat hour is over I start ro
feel okay." The sheer brilliance of
these lines is incalculable, and may
only compare ro modern day pop
songwriting geniuses Miley Cyrus
or Justin Bieber.
The instrumentation of these
bands is mostly acoustic, and utiliz­
es the ounds of many instruments,
though. often centering on acoustic
guitar and standup bass. By forgo­
ing any and all experimentation
on [heir insuuments, these bands
are able ro create simple songs that
influence more and more kids ro
write songs based around the same
basic chords, creating many unique
and individual bands and artists
within the folk-punk scene.
One of folk-punk's major
themes happens to be anti-capi-
-talism, and as such, opens up for­
profit businesses in order ro sup­
port the growth of the genre, such
as record labels and print shops.
The cover of the album The Great
Depression by che band Defiance,
Ohio even sports a man smoking
a cigarette in an effort to buck the
• trend of corporate ownersnip, and
the addiction to capitalistic goods.
On The Great Depression, De­
fiance, Ohio also enlisted a DIY
producer named Jacob Belser who
helped them record in his profes­
sional studio, which allowed them
to get the full audio fidelity needed
to be truly do-ir-yoursel£ Forget
about cape macnines in the living
room! To sound [ruly DIY, it is
necessary to hire a producer and
buy studio time.
The folk-punk bands of our
time are blazing trails by creating
new outlets of media chat embrace
commonplace technology in order
to create unique cultures, resisting
the evolution of music by letting
go of experimentation and sing­
ing songs about challenging top­
ics such as drugs, violence, and che
falsities of religion. They challenge
our fundamental beliefs and force
us to re-examine our lives in the
same way the great Britney Spears
did with her controversial music
videos in the l 990's. • 10 Arts
Bon napkins serve as
canvases for expression
Bon Napkin Art Competition winners announced
BY SEXON DEBEECH
Pushing the boundaries of modern art, art student prodigies recently
adorned the placid Bon walls with finely detailed illustrations. The lack­
luster beige napkin substrates offer a commentary on the impermanence
of art -we simply wipe our uneducated castes on the napkin a,nd throw it
our, paralleling the typical reaction co works displayed throughout Port­
land galleries.
FIRST PLACE
By far the most striking is this Michelangelo-esque portrait of "Ned
the Creator." The attention to detail alludes directly co figures of the
Sistine Chapel; however, the juxtaposition of a clear reference to OFT­
GWA member Tyler the Creator leaves viewers questioning the progres­
sion of idols throughout time.
SECOND PLACE
This drawing depicts a gruesome samurai projectile vomiting a
hooved figure while maintaining a calm composure and smoking a ciga­
rette. The barren night landscape adds a sense of apathetic isolation,
which, combined with the subject, clearly symbolizes Generation Y's
indifference towards world affairs and the impact of our actions.
THIRD PLACE
This surrealist landscape features flying anrearer-elephant hybrids
frolicking on a Dr. Seuss background. Kevin Shields ('13) hosts his KLC radio show before the watery mishap.
BY OLIVE TWIG How did the project Technicolor dreams I had been exploring,
& Aquarium come about?
RED CRAYOLA When I first moved to Portland, Do you have any information
about why the shows have been
cancelled? I recently sat down with KLC
DJ Kevin Shields (' 13) in order to
interview him about his ambient/
shoegazeJ10ur. His bizarre actions
in Studio A have been rumored
to have led co the cancellation of
shows for the remainder of the se-
mester.
How did you come up with the
name ''Aquatic Emissions"?
I've always had a fascination
with the sounds of '90s shoegaze
and ambient music. Ir was widely
regarded as sounding as ifit was re­
corded underwater, hence the term
"aquatic."
Have you had any guest pe_rform­
ers?
I recently had Liz Harris (Grou­
per) perform a collaboration set
with my own moniker, Technicol­
or Aquarium.
REAL ADVERTISEMENT
THE
PIOLOG
www.piolog.com
1. Jobs Po~ted:
Website manager
Advertising manager
Video editor
Photo editor
Business manger
... and more.
Descriptions and applica­
tions on the website.
Due April 12th
outside the PioLog office.
Pay available, work study
not neccessary. I realized I had never learned how
co proficiently play any instru­
ments. However, I didn't want co
let this gee in the way of my in­
volvement in the Portland music
scene. So, using various droning
sounds found in the ocean, I began
co make ambient sound collages.
Why did you become involved in
KID
Well, it's a bit of a long story,
but after a long series of experimen­
tations in lucid dreaming I found
myself being increasingly drawn
to many sound collages I heard in
these dreams. 1 had a fascination
with drowning and humans' in­
teractions and feelings cowards the
ocean. I had heard of KLC's large
library of records and figured that
in addition co my own field record­
ings, I could use samples from the
huge library in order to recreate
the oceanic patterns inside of the I have very little information to
offer you.
Do you have any unusual stories
about your show?
Well, when I was recently re­
cording my first full record, I was
using Studio A as a practice space.
In order co replicate the sounds I
was influenced by, I filled the stu­
dio with water. ome may call chis
damage; I would call tnis progress.
So, is that why the shows were
cancelled?
Perhaps; that is not for me to
decide.
"Aquatic Emissiom" previously
aired from 3 a. m. to 4 a. m. Don't
bother tuning in, as the station is
on hiatus for an indefinite period of
time.
REAL ADVERTISEMENT
,.., sign up NOW for ,..,
ALUMNI
CAREER
CORPS
YES, there is life "off the hill"! Why not
prepare for it and learn how to thrive?
Meet with Alumni in the evenings for 30
minute slots, M-TH (6:30 -8:30 pm).
Get career advice, resume help and even
do mock interviews! Sign up for
1-on-1 sessions at 3CE or email
Rebeca Beeman (rbeeman@lclark.edu).
www.lclark.edu colle e offices alumni cor s --t THE MOSSY LOG, APRIL I, 2011 Sports 11
LC student becomes first
muggle permitted into
world quidditch league
BY DIRK DIGGLER
This past Saturday
marked a monolithic mile­
stone for tlie Muggle Civil
Rights mo~ement as the
World Quidditch League,
for the first time in history,
admitted a muggle playe·r
into its fold. Larry Dal­
las ('12), an undergraduate
student at Lewis & Clark,
was all tears and smiles chis
weekend as Ragmar Dor­
k.ins, Manager of the Chud­
ley Cannons, officially
signed Dallas as the team's
new,5eeker.
The Chudley Cannons'
search begin promptly af-
ter their Seeker, Galvin
Gudgeon (dubbed the
Barry Bonds of Quid­
ditch), admitted to
the use of Felix Felicis
throughout his pro­
fessional career. Felix
Felicis, commonly
referred to on the street as
"Liquid Luck," was official­
ly banned by the Depart­
ment of Magical Games and
Sports in 1952 due to play­
ers abusing the potion to ar-
-tificially enhance their game.
"Our search, at first, was
unfruitful to say the least,"
said Dockins. "The shock of
Gudgeon's conduct lefr the
team in a vulnerable place.
We were essentially Van Ha­
len without our David Lee
Roth."
How they came to find
th_eir Sammy Hagar in the
form of a muggle player is
the question on everyone's
mind. "W,; had always kept cabs on players within the
Muggle Quiddicch League.
But we never imagined we
would actually be recruiting
one of them."
The World Quidditch
League historically has
maintained what many dub
the "Quid­
d i {Ch
Magic
Line,"
I n
refer-
PHOTO CREDIT OF DIRK DIGGLER
the discriminatory "Baseball
Color Line" policy charac­
teristic of American baseball
in the 1920's and 40's. Un­
der the Quidditch Magic
Line, muggles were separat­
ed from wizards and placed
into a Quidditch league of
their own.
"Only time will cell if
this will actually work," said
former Head of the Depart­
ment of Magical Games and
Spores Ludovic Bagman.
"The times are indeed chang­
ing, and I respect the ambi­
tions of the new generation
of wizards to break down the
wall of muggle segregation. But I fail to see how a mug­
gle will be able to perform
in the wizard league. While
wizards Ay brooms, muggles
simply_ trod around with one
between their legs. It's loo­
ney. I mean, what do they
expect us to do, sprinkle
fairy dust on the guy? Mug­
gles need to stop pretending
we're Peter Pan and need to
real}ze that s~~e things just
cant be done.
For Dallas, however, op­
timism is his co-pilot.
"People like Bagman
are the Nietzsches of
the Wizardry world.
They'd rather kill our
beliefs then let us
dream," said Dallas.
"This is one small step
for muggle, one giant
leap for muggle-kind.
The times are chang-
ing. The life of muggle
oppression from the Wiz­
ard realm is fading into the
past. Seek no further evi-
dence than my recruitment
into the World Quidditch
League."
Gary Blassner, . President
of LC, said that he is "proud
and excited for Dallas. I just
hope when he gets rich from
his endorsements he remem­
bers us here at LC. I mean,
the future of the grounds de­
partment rests on his shoul­
ders."
It now rests to see wheth­
er this is going to be a suc­
cessful endeavor or a sports
Hindenberg. "I am Jack's
raging bile duct," said Dal­
las. "I'm set to ·explode all
over the Quiddirch world."
Getting yiffy with it
,Sport's department adds competitive dog_ shows to list of sporting events
BY TINKER JEFE
The spring athletic sched­
ule has been scrutinized by
the heads of the athletic de­
partment since the begin­
ning of December due to
complaints from alumni,
noting that the College was
not holding enough sport­
ing events at Lewis & Clark.
Athletic directors Mark
Lintie and Kristian Spartan
began consulting with other
athletic departments around
the Portland area search­
ing for ideas in order to put
more home games on the
schedule. Northwest Con­
ference rules showed that the
College had fulfilled their
necessary quota for num­
ber of home games, and be­
cause Conference rules state
that Colleges may only hold
a certain number of home
games per sport, Lintie and
Spartan ceased pursuing the
idea of more home games.
In a meeting between
athletes, coaches. and· the
athletic department, the
conclusion was reached that
Griswold Stadium would
begin hosting Sunday morn­
ing dog shows. Unlike oth­
er dog shows in the region,
however, LC's dog shows
would be strictly limited co
competition between New-foundlands. The athletic
schedule showed available
vacancy every Sunday for the
remainder of the school year,
and even into the summer.
"We can't believe how
long it took us to come to
this conclusion," remarked
Lintie. "For years the Pio­
neers have be.en backed by
their rrusry mascot. Now we
can provide a chance for the
dogs to compete, for once."
A schedule announcing
the first show for this Sun­
day, April 3, was sent our
to alumni in the monthly
athletic newsletter. Imme-·
diately, the athletic depart­
ment began receiving posi­
tive feedback about the new
sporting events through calls
and emails.
Admar Furr ('98) wrote,
"I always felt terrible that the
newfies who represent our
sports reruns had to come
to game after game, wearing
those silly bibs and watch­
ing athletes without getting
a chance to cry their paws at
competition as well."
Lacer in his letter, he
marked the painfully sad
faces that the dogs made as
they were forced to watch
humans run acpund in sport,
while they had to lie on the
sidelines and avoid drooling on potential college donors.
The first compeaaon
has already registered 13
Newfoundlands from Port­
land, Beaverton, Tigard
and Vancouver. All of LC's
usual mascots have entered
as well. This past week, im­
mediately after track athletes
had cleared the stadium, the
mascots began training for
the rigorous competition.
"Theyve worked very
hard all week," said dog
trainer extraordinaire Marl
Lance. "Buddy especially has
been working very hard on
his top event. Since Mon­
day he has made tremendous
progress in his abiliry to keep
drool in his mouth for al­
most a full minute."
Besides drool regulation,
the dogs will also be judged
on appearance and tricks,
with events like "Volume of
Fur" and "Abiliry to Cock
Head when Presented with
leftover Pork Chops" and the
last event will be the "Three­
year-old Race," where the
dogs will run two laps while
being ridden by a three-year­
old.
lhe competition begins at
JO a. m. Sunday, April 3. In
order to register a dog, visit
www. newfiestrumppoodles.
lclark.edu. Flacid Ball with an
athlete
Q&A with Sandra Taylor-Bresnan f13) of Track & Field
BY MARY MONDS
Wny do you run?
I actually hare running.
The thought of running
multiple laps around a cy­
clical track absolutely bores
me. Who wants to spend
their time outdoors in the
freezing rain, expending
energy for some sort of ex­
pected standard of time that
some other person is hoping
that I achieve?
~ then, did YR' ~
cide ID nm at W
LC decided I was going
co run. Lase year I ran the
naked mile, complete with.
neon orange knee socks and
paw prints painted across
my spores bra. I ran in the
front of the pack, leading the
lethargic hung-over group
through the slippery paths
around the campus trail. One of the track coaches,
David Kix, happened co see
me and sent me an email lat­
er in the week, suggesting I
come to practice one day. I
did so our of sheer boredom.
W'hat do you like
about the track team?
The sense of camaraderie
char the runners have with
each other is nauseating.
How can people love each
other so much? We spend
three to five hours every day
with each other. I do nor
need to ear dinner with them
at our special track cable on
the light side of bon, and I
do not appreciate marching
neon jackets. No one looks
good in highlighter colors.
Is there anything at all you
like about sports?
Nor really. Winning isn't
important, so I don't feel
pushed to do well. Lifting weights doesn't sound ap­
pealing and I don't really like
sweating. As I said before,
I'm nor a team player rype of
person so I'in nor interested
in school spirit.
What do you like ~o do?
• I suppose it would be in­
teresting to discover the cure
to cancer or travel to Pluto.
I don't know what f want to
major in yet bur I've thought
about underwater basket
weaving.
MLB go_es modern.
Major league baseball introduces exciting new rules to the tired sport
BY JETPACK N. SKYY
Baseball fans across the
world were shocked and
pleased after observing the
changes made to • official
MLB rules and regulations
on Thursday, Mar. 31, open­
ing day of the 2011 season.
While in previous decades,
the sprawling, untimed
games of the classic Ameri­
can sport had been tolerated
and even enjoyed, MLB Di­
rector Stephen MacGeorges
noted a lack of interest in
MLB games over the past
couple of years.
"With so many exciting
distractions in the modern
world, who really has time to
sir down and watch a bunch
of bulky guys stand around
. and occasionally hit a ball
with a stick?" questioned
MacGeorges. "Hell, during
the playoffs la,5r year, half
the crowd was emailing from
their iPhones."
"Or Twittering, or Face-·
book mailing, or whatev­
er," added a Austered Mac­
Georges.
One of the most notable
changes is the length of the
g~e. Baseball, a sport infa-
mous for its potential abil­
iry to last forever, has now been cur down to a seven­
inning game. Additionally,
to make up for the loss of
the seventh inning screech,
the game's only saving grace,
a stadium-wide dance parry
is co replace where the fifth
inning would usually be. San
Francisco Giants Manager
Jackson "Jack" Ande,rson
supported these changes.
"The Chicken Dance
was only expected to capti­
vate audiences for so many
years," said Anderson. "The
fact that it lasted so long is
kind of a miracle. Nowa­
days, though, we have co
keep up with tJ:ie times; we
have to keep it jiggy."
Stadiums across America
have prepared for the sea­
son by installing hundreds of
strobe lights at various points
in the stadium, as well as dis­
co balls on retractable metal
arms. Concessions worker
Joe Stanley reported that he
also saw truckloads of dry ice
coming in for opening day.
"I really just work here,"
said Stanley. "You want a hoc
dog or what?"
• Another exciting addi­
tion to the game is the Yung
Ballerz Skavenger Hunt
for youths stranded at the
hours-long games. Between the third and fourth innings,
children are allowed onto
the field to look for prizes.
These prizes range anywhere
from priceless signed mem­
orabilia to fresh snacks to
personal music mixes made
by the players themselves.
Popular hiding spots include
under parches of Astroturf,
under bases and within re­
taining walls that support
the stands.
MacGeorges said that,
of all of the changes to the
league, he is most excited
about the uniforms.
"Baseball ·uniforms have
traditionally made our play­
ers look like lumpy sacks of
creamed corn," said Mac­
Georges. "We didn't have
anything like those shiny,
swishy basketball shores or
tight-fitting football duds.
We've introduced a new
kind of baseball fashion: all
streamlined, all spandex, all
neon."
"Ir's a new, hip world,
and Babe Ruth would prob­
ably be rolling in his grave
if we kept the same, ancient
rules," said MacGeorges·
confidently. "Who knows?
Maybe next year, we qn go
one hundred percent digi­
tal."
lnd·oor Adventures
A guide to exploring the neverending Copeland maze of fun
BY MEGA TRON
Here on campus, there
is a perilous adventure that
many of the bravest souls are
frightened to embark upon:
navigating the twisting cor­
ridors of Copeland Hall.
With nor six, bur seven
wings, built at odd angles
and misaligned levels, Cope­
land is easy to gee lose in.
Much like a maze en­
countered m Zelda, the
many hallways are endlessly
mi;leading, and often times
you'll end up outside, next
to the ravine, with no idea
which direction 1s which. Along the way you will run bypassed by resident advi­
inro many obstacles and en-sors on rounds, leaving them
emies, too. free to become an exotic par-
Watch our for the ·rowdy ry destination.
sports reams that live near With the ravine close at
each other here -intoxicated hand, there is an additional
camaraderie can be danger- element of adventure to the
ous for the uninitiated. End-parties in Copeland.
less staircases, bridges and No Sparking is just a
basements can also pop up at short walk away, and some
any moment. of the best recreational loca-
However, Copeland is an tions are nearby.
adventure because it hides Though the architecture
some of the best rewards. is intimidating, with a crusry
Deep within the distant map of the wings, extra ra­
halls there exist some of the rions of snacks and perhaps
best parties around. • some beer for bribing, you're
Due co their remote loca-sure to find an adventurous
tion these rooms are often Saturday night in Copeland. ,-12 Backdoor THE MOSSY LOG, APRIL I, 2011
(Real) 2011
International Affairs
Symposium Rundown
BY NATALIE BAKER
Now in its 49th year, the International
Affairs Symposium wiJI be hitting campus
April 4 for three days of cros -border
explorations and interstate insight. This
year's symposium theme, "Lines in the
Sand: The Ebb and Flow of Borders,
Power, and Information," seeks to bring
_academic scrutiny to the impact of such
hotly contested issues as foreign aid, media
influence, refugees and transnational crime.
A standout speaker chis year is Daniel
Ellsberg, nationally renowned for releasing
the top-secret "Pentagon Papers" to media
outlets in 1971. Ellsberg will be debating
Colonel David Lapan, a current Pentagon
official, over the pertinence of freedom
of information versus national security.
Professor of Law Paula Abrams will
moderate the session on Monday, April 4 at
7:30 p.m. in Agnes Flanagan Chapel.
Additional impressive symposium guests
include Mercy Corps CEO Neal Keny­
Guyer and Antonio Maria Cosca, Executive
Director of the U.N. Office on Drugs and
Crime. Senior political advisors, chink tank
analyses, non-profit directors and foreign
affairs correspondents will also present. Symposium co-chairs Kiara Canales (' 11)
and Margaret Williams C 11) have spent
rhe past seven months leading an entirely
student-run steering committee to choose
contemporary controversies chat will appeal
to both International Affairs majors and
non-majors. Students can look forward
to debates and varying perspeccjves on
the impacr of refugees on hose scares, the
ramifications of foreign aid and whether
or not legalizing illicit drugs would help
combat transnational crime.
For the fall schedule, check out Lclark. edul
coLLege!departments!internationaL_affairsl
symposium
Lineup for the 2011 REAL Sunburn
Music Festival on April 23rd
WOODS
SALLIE FORD AND THE SOUND
OUTSIDE
ANDREW JACKSON JIHAD
ASTRONAUTALIS WAIT WHAT
GUIDANCE COUSELOR
MT.EERIE
RITCHIE YOUNG OF LOCH
LOMOND
REAL ASLC UPDATE
BY LAURA NASH
Vice President of Finance Carl Vance
openecl the senate meeting on Mar. 17,
invited by ASLC President Dirh Pamp (' 11)
to shed some light on the situation regarding
the possible outsourcing of rhe Grounds
department.
"There've been communications 8ying
around. Some of jc has been accurate,
some of it not," said Vance. He noted chat
4 employees from the Facilities department
will be retiring through the VESP program
at the end of rhe year. He has been working
with Director of Facilities Richard Bettega co
decide how to fill these vacancies.
Lewis & Clark College also hires a consulting
firm, Sighclines, to review various aspects of
the College's management and compare it to
other schools, chen offer suggestions on how
to improve. According to Sighclines' scoring
systems, the performance of Grounds has
been declining over the last few years.
Vance explained chat his reluctance to share
information with a reporter when. Piolog was
investigating the situation was due to timing.
He had not yet spoken to the Grounds
department as a whole.
Several ASLC officers and senators expressed concerns wirh Sighclines' process.
Director of Student Activities Jason Feiner
reminded rhe gathering chat h<; had already
solicited four volunteers to meet wirh rhe
president of Sighdines when he comes to
conduct the review.
After Vance left, Senior Senator Maish
Foster O'Neil ('11), and students Liz
Johnson (' 11) and Jess Lodal (' 11) presented
a resolution aimed at retaining Grounds
employees, and making the College's decision
process regarding possible outsourcing more
transparent to students.
Senator Justin Midyec ('13) commented,
"I haven't seen any evidence rhat he's
lying," in regards to Vance's statement rhac
Grounds will not be outsourced. However,
many ocher members of ASLC expressed
concerns chat Vance's wording-"we're riot
going to outsource grounds at chis tirne"­
rnay mean that the possibility is still under
considerarion .• After a few adjustments, rhe
resolution passed 10 to 7, wirh 1 abstaining.
The senate also amended a resolution
regarding rhe Sustainability Fee, making it
inclusive of rhe Graduate and Law schools,
rhen moved into Executive Session, at
which no minutes were kept and only ASLC
officers, senators and representatives were
permitted to attend. You Ct!,ught My Eye
You: Caught my eye
Me: Blinded by the spittle
produced from your oh-so-sexy
gesticulation
You: The br
ofhopein
meaningle s
Me~ The on
to notice
You: Cast out a reel into the
Willamette.
Me: Got my eye caught
with pictures on it a'flo the
owl ring who likes Pablo
Neruda.
Me: Let me be your Rico
Suave, papi. You: Drunkamon
Me: Want to 'Lickitung' your
'dewgong'
Yo uri stud who
ties ny-style
Me· Wisli'ing we could tie each
otlier up and do it bunny-style
You: Shop at Costco
anna buy you in bulk.
You: Don't have time for a relationship
Me: Wanting you to know that I've tried
to move on, but there's still something
ther_e.
Wanna mac ic orum?
Email a ''You Caught My Eye" to piolog@gmail.co
This Week's REAL Events
TONIGHT
COME AND SEE -7p.m. @ Miller 105
The last instalJrnent of the Waczek Library Sovier Film Series
SISTER SPIT -Doors 7p.m. I Show Sp.m. @ Evans
San Francisco based queer/feminist spoken word and performance arc·collective
TAIZE PRAYER- 7:30p.m. @ South Campus Chapel
This month's prayer focuses on rhe spirit of Lent
MONDAY
HEALTH PROFRESSIONS CLUB SPEAKER- 6p.m. @ Albany 220
Dr. KarhJeen Myers talks about The Scribe Program, a paid job specifically targeted at
students looking to cake a year off between graduating college and entering medical school.
TUESDAY
MULTNOMAH COUNTY LIBRARY READ-IN -6p.m. @ Pamplin Room
Pamplin Society sponsors a read-in/fundraiser to raise money for rhe Multnomah County
Library. Bring your pajamas, pillows, and blankets, get cozy wirh a book, and enjoy the
complimentary cookies, tea, and hoc chocolate. Donations of change, cash, or used books
accepted.
THURSDAY
TONY -8:30p.m. @ Miller 105
Free screening oflnvisible Children's new film about a young Ugandan man named Tony
and his experiences in dealing with the Lord's Resistance Army
REAL ARTS UPDATE: Fool's Gold
Eicher chis is a sick joke, or these college kids have some serious talent. Perhaps it's borh.
Opening rhis Friday is "Fools," an arc show produced by Bamboo Grove, which features
up-and-corning local artists Olivia Erlanger, Ned Sigal, Kwesi Acquaah, and Elana Webb.
Tying in rh'e themes of the archetypal trickster in the spirit of April lsc, we can expect more
chan a few cards up their sleeves. The art will be a wide spectrum of media, ranging from
traditional oiJ paintings to sculpture, and a video and audio installation. Corne support
Portland's artists of tomorrow, but don't be surprised if a bucket of paint falls on you from
a doorframe!
THIS WEEK'S COMIC BY BARBARA- CUNNINGHAM
0 oo