Lewis & Clark College

The Pioneer Log: Lewis & Clark College’s Student-Run Newspaper

Volume 74, Number 21

Lewis & Clark College Student Newspaper

Pioneer Log Staff

2010-04-01

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Newspaper

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Lewis & Clark College: Pioneer Log / Mossy Log

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Volume 74, Number 21 Thursday, April 1st, 2010 April Fools!
Bobble~bania niakes history
by Bobble-John Harwood
After nine months of deliberation,
the Presidential Search Committee an­
nounced Wednesday' evening that a ce­
ramic bobble head of Barack Obama,
or "Bobble-bama" as he is being called,
would fill the seat of President of the Col­
lege. The decision has already prompted
a great deal of backlash from community
members, but the Committee as well as
the Board ofTrustees, who accepted the
candidate unanimously, insist that the
choice was in the best interests of the col­
lege.
"The Board of Trustees ;was im­
pressed by the ceramic figurine's positive
attitude, legacy of excellence and willing­
ness to work for low wages," said Trustee
and Chair of the Search Committee Jay
Waldron. "We trust that Bobble-bama
will continue the tradition of academ­
ic excellence and advancement here at
Lewis & Clark."
When asked if he felt ready for the
position, Bobble-bama nodded enthusi­
astically.
Many within the community, includ­
ing Assistant Professor of Political Sci­
ence and Rebel-Rouser Todd Lochner,
are vehemently protesting the Board's
decision.
"We intend to send a clear message to
the Board of Trustees," said Lochner as
he and an angry mob pelted the manor
house with stones. "Either they find a
qualified· candidate or we burn this cam­
pus to d)e ground. I mean, it's a fucking
bobble-head, for God's sake! All it can
do is stand there and nod."
The Board continued to defend its PHOTO BY CAMI RAH
A Barack Obama bobblehead has been selected to fill the position of President at Lewis & Clark College. He is
the first black inanimate object ever to hold an executive office at a post-secondary institution in the U.S.
appointment, claiming that the bobble­
head's laidback and agreeable nature
would lead LC into a whole new age of
prosperity.
"The new president has been very open to the wishes of the Board, much
more so than previous presidents," said
Chair of the Board of Trustees Ron Ra­
gen. "Under his guidance we will be con­
verting the reflecting pool into a strip mine, changing the College's name to
ClearWire University, and selling diss_i­
dent students,into indentured service, all
within the next academic year. The prof-
continued on pg. 2, BOBBLE-BAMA
Bon Appetit on strike until students stop whining
by Sara Spork
The Lewis & Clark College Bon Appetit
staff went on strike Sunday morning. They
are not demanding higher wages, but fewer
complaints from students.
"I was in line for brunch on Sunday
morning," said Riley Davis ('13) who did
not go home for break and admitted to miss­
ing the convenience of eating at the Bon
throughout the week.
''At eleven , the doors didn't open. I looked
through the window and didn't see anyone.
A few minutes later, the kitchen doors on the right opened and a line of Bon employees
came out and said that there wouldn't be any
brunch. I almost cried," said Davis.
There was no brunch on Sunday, and
there have not been any meals since then.
Fields Dining Room, the Trail Room, Mag­
gie's and the Dovecote have all shut down.
A couple of representatives from the Bon
Appetit staff spoke with Director of Campus
Living Kelly Hoover and Dean of Students
Celestino Limas on Monday.
"They are willing to negotiate," said
Hoover. "They just want the students to be
more appreciative of the effort that they put into students' meals. They are tired of stu­
dents disregarding the rule that no food be
taken out of the dining room and they are
tired of so much negative feedback."
Limas said, "Right now, we are working
on facilitating a conversation between the
Bon Appetit Committee and members of the
Bon Appetit staff. .. It is a difficult situation,
but I am glad that this opportunity has aris­
en for communication between Bon Appetit
and the students to develop."
Students on the Bon Appetit Committee
gave the Pioneer Log a list of possible stipula­
tions that LC students must agree to before Bon Appetit resumes their duties. These may
include a requirement that every negative
comment submitted to the Bon must be ac­
companied by a positive comment. Students
who are caught taking food out of the Bon
may have their meal plans suspended, or
they may be required to turn out their pock­
ets and open their bags for Betty before they
leave Fields.
"How can I give positive feedback on av­
ocado and basil smoothies?" said Jillian Jones
(' I 2). "Those two things should not be put
together or apart in any drink."
continued on pg. 2, STRIKE -
--,-
2
c'
r
,..
,,. Bon workers protest nearly
constant sea of complaints
The staff of Bon Appetit, not satisfied simply with picketing Fields Dining
Hall, took their protest to the streets of Portland.
continued from pg. 1, STRIKE
Davis said, "I want a waffle."
Students should also keep an eye out
for weekly surveys sent out by the Office of
Campus Living in their Webmail inboxes.
These will request feedback on the week's
menus and service.
If you fill out this survey your name
will be entered in a raffle. At the end of the
month, two students will have their names drawn and receive itunes gift cards.
"I don't know when this conflict will be
resolved," said Limas, "but hopefully we will
have it worked out by next week."
Until then, alumni and work-study stu­
dents will be serving peanut butter and jelly
sandwiches, juice and coffee outside of J.R.
Howard Hall and in Stamm dining room
every day between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. Ice
cream will not be provided.
News briefs: The week in
almost twitter sized bits
by Spanky Spankington
1) The ASLC Senate passed a resolution
calling for world peace last Thursday. Lead­
ers from Israel, Iran, South Korea and the
Democratic Republic of Congo have yet ro
respond ro the resolution.
''I'm not sure where [the resolution]
stands at this point," said Senior Class Sena­
tor D.J. Furth. "I know that at this point it
has been brought to the attention of whoever
it is that is in charge of taking care of that."
2) New RV parking spots are robe added
outside of Copeland this summer. Football
players living in the dorm celebrated.
"I've been limited to driving my ridicu­
lously oversized raised F-250 due to parking
spot constraints," said Brent Douchenbagger
(' 12). "Now I can really hog parking space
with my Winnebago Tour. It's about time I
got to drive a vehicle that can fully compen­
sate for my small penis."
"•
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by Florence Smoothie
Hey there, spill-sters! We here at Spill
Beat have another exciting week of spilled
liquids, solids and polymers, just for you!
So rev up your mess-a-meters and prepare
to get spilled! Metabolize!
• A small puddle of vomit was found
in the Ponderosa Hall lounge on
Monday.
Looks like someone "spilled" their
guts ... HAHAHA!
• A spilth of powdered milk was
found outside Bodine on Tuesday.
~: 3) Campus Safety has announced that a
Computer Sentience Uprising Drill will oc­
cur next Wednesday.
Students signed up for the Emergen­
cy Response System will receive texts from
Campus Safety instructing them to prompt­
ly destroy their phones. "
We want all students to be prepared in
the event that WebMail becomes self-aware
and begins to send out massive emails to one
consolidated 'super-listserv,"' said Director
of Campus Safety Tim O'Dwyer. "The most
important thing to remember is to never
hit reply all. That will only strengthen the
beast."
4) ASLC President Brad Elkins ('10) was
arrested early Wednesday on charges of or­
dering assassinations of political rivals. El­
kins was elected as president Spring of 2009
after running "uncontested."
Elkins could not be reached for comment
due to washing the blood of his hands.
_;_~ ;.~
SPILL BEAT =~ ="~
Don't cry over spilt POWDERED milk
Chuckle, Chuckle.
• An unknown liquid was
found outside the ASLC
offices on Wednesday.
It is better to cast your seed
in the belly of a whore than to
spill it on the ground ...
Guffaw Guffaw!
• An unusually large pond of vanilla
milkshake was found all over the
floor of the Bon. The Aqua Teen
Hunger Force refused to comment.
~.J: ~.Jf the Mossy Log,April 1, 2010
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Living off campus is not all it is cracked up to be
by Lief Marten Astrom spent all four of my years living in the amazing dorms that
Lewis & Clark has to offer. invitahition? How was I to know if I was being too loud?
Eventually I decided I had had enough of living so far­
removed from the action, and so I moved near Papacci­
no's to start senior year. Market of Choice was close by, as
well as Tryon Creek Grill and Sports Bar, Subway, yoga,
friends, the liquor store, and a bunch of other things. As
the year went on, I found myself regretting the fact that all
of these places were so close. The problem wasn't that they
were good, but that there was too much of a good thing, as
it were. Living on campus there are two places to go: Tem­
pleton and Maggie's. That's it, plain and simple-well, I
guess there is the Co-op? Anyway, there are so many cool
things that go on in these two or three places, and now I
live miles away from the action. Big mistake. When I came back to LC and Portland to start my ju­
nior year, I was excited. School wasn't going to be that
great -big surprise, I know -but I finally would be liv­
ing off campus. I had waited nearly two years to have this
opportunity, and here it was. In just over a month I will
be graduating. Yes, it will be nice, but I regret not having At first it was nice living in Sellwood. Weekend morn­
ings my friends and I would stroll down to Bertie Lou's
for some delicious brunch and enjoy the fall weather. We
would go to (Big) Mike's Drive-In for ice cream and gos­
sip. Parties were just a walk down the street, but campo
and RAs would never be there, sadly. Did they not get the
I
Living on the Hill this year has been just as much, if
not more, of a letdown than before. I ofren find myself
asking, "How did it come to this? How can I move back to
campus?" Don't get me wrong, it is nice paying less than
half of what it costs to live on campus and having a car to
go to the beach or Hood at my whim, yet there are things
in my life that are missing. Where did all those awkward
hallway encounters go? Why don't I get to play my favor­
ite game every morning and night: Where is my toothbrush?
Home life never affords me those and many more luxuries
any longer.
And I miss the exciting rush of trying to watch my
TV shows after finding out last minute that some group
of freshman girls reserved the lounge for Grey's Anatomy.
Turning on the tube-to watch Survivor (Expedition: Rob­
inson in Sweden) when it comes on at home just seems
wrong without any hassles. What's more, I no longer have
the hunger pains of yesteryear because the kitchen is just
steps away. Eating dinner and watching good television?
Impossible! Get me to the Bon, thank you, and I'll just
watch my shows online later by myself once I read all my
books for ExploDisco. Ah, those were the days.
The secluded location and boring campus life keep call­
ing me back after years of"freedom" and "responsibility." I
long for the days when, sexiled, I would sleep on the cozy
couch in the Blue Room in the basement of the Palaces of
Platt-Howard. And, as for my sex life, sex is no longer ex­
citing because I have my room all to myself.
PHOTO BY THE AUTHOR
Sean Willson-Schafer ('10), who lives off campus in a home with his "best friends forever," fre­
quently finds himself wishing he had never left the busy Lewis & Clark College campus at all. So, when upperclassmen tell you how nice it is to live
off campus, don't pay them any attention. Chances are,
the joke is on you.
Editor's Boyfriend's Note: Students have too much say at LC
by Nathaniel Olaf Anderson
Greetings, me-
dia consumers. I can
bet you that, statisti­
cally speaking, there
is a chance that you
are a faculty or staff
member. This is the
problem with Lewis
& Clark. The admin­
istration is too damn
involved.
I can't turn two e-
mail pages without an administrator asking
me to attend a forum or take a survey. The
people who run Lewis & Clark College seem
to think that they can't do their jobs without
making sure there won't be some sort of re­
volt. As if we're just waiting for some large
or small misstep to latch-onto and complain about until everyone's ears are sore.
Has it occurred to the administration that
we're just content? Everyone on campus has
literally dozens of square feet of space, and
now that they've gotten around to install­
ing sprinklers in Platt, we don't even need to
maintain a bucket brigade.
Lewis & Clark is a pretty great place, and
I thi11k the administration can do a fine job
running it on its own. They should stop be­
ing lazy and having_ students make the deci­
sions.
The Deans and Assistant Deans go to ex­
tensive lengths to bring "student input" to
LC's functioning. Celestino Limas forces one
student a week to do his job as "Dean for a
Day," pestering them for a full 24 hours for
opinions on smoking policy, internet access
and "whether this tie looks like a tie a Dean
would wear."
Last year, Director of Student Activities
Opinions from the hallway
PHOTOS COURTESY OF THE FACE BOOK
Garik Asplund ('10)
"Finding the most iron­
ic hobbies and clothes
possible. Then maybe
skiing in North Korea." Danny Garcia ('10)
"Errr, I will probably
play video games and
get a summer job for
the rest of my life." Michael Richman ('10)
"Well, the NBA draft
is in June. They don't
call me Baller Mike for
nothin'." Jason Feiner went so far as to create a club­
a "student senate," to get input from the
ground-up. "We wanted a place where [as­
sociate dean of students] Jeff[rey Feld-Gore]
and I could bring our ideas about what stu­
dents should be doing." The senate meets
weekly to talk about e-mails and conversa­
tions they've had with the administration,
and write these ideas down into resolutions
they pass off as their own work. "It's gone
great so far," said Feiner. "We even got them
to condemn underage partying! Lewis &
Clark is a better place."
I don't know about this. I think there is a
little too much emphasis being placed on the
role of students in college governance. The
grown-ups have been here longer-what do
we know? Isn't it more important for profes­
sors to have closer parking than for students
to make sure their money is spent "ethically''?
I, for one, think the election of Barack Obama put us on the wrong path; the path
toward youth participation in politics, at­
tention to current events, and passion about
issues. This "passion" makes the administra­
tion think that we want to be heard. Trust
me, we don't.
The one bright light I see in our admin­
istration is the aforementioned Feld-Gore,
who has gained a reputation as the "no-man,"
which I think referrs to the fact that he is the
"man in the know" for getting things done at
Lewis & Clark. He has kept high standards
for programming this year, making sure stu­
dents really, really want to have an event be­
fore it is approved. "If students can't put up
with at least 6 hours of committee meetings
and 3-4 weeks of wait time, they don't really
deserve to plan an event," Feld-Gore famous­
ly said. Wise words from the one administra­
tor who really "gets it." Leave us alone and
run the school!
What are your plans after graduation?
Nichole Carnell ('10)
" The Pioneer Log has a
great summer program
-it looks really good on
" resumes. Laura Nash ('13)
"I don't graduate for
three more years, how
am I supposed to
kn ?" ow. Tom Meath ('10)
Mimed: '7 don't graduate
for five more weeks, how
am I supposed to know?" --
42 -•rnmt•h-- theMossyLog,May3,528B.C.
Marley & Me: Metaphors for life
by Marley Badolati and her dog
Instead of
the usual de-
tailed, thor-
ough, and
overwhelm­
ingly delicious
metaphor for
this week, I
have decided
to write sever­
al short meta­
phors and sim­
iles that do not
relate to one another.
I read in Science Magazine that hu­
man brain scans light up more when
people are presented with short bits of
information. With this in mind, I have
restructured my weekly column accord­
ingly. Now I will share with you the
abundance of wisdom that is threat­
ening to burst from my eye sockets at
this very moment. Before I begin, I
have to remind you of the important
preliminary detail to keep in mind:
sex, relationships, and college are the
same thing. Always. Now prepare to be
amazed by my short sentences:
1. Sex is a field with ponies in it.
Men are ponies; special fancy ponies
that don't like eating green things.
They just want the blossoms. Women
are like the field vegetation. Some are
desirable flowers, most are not. If wom­
en want to be eaten, they should make
\N\\--."\
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ing than grass. Men should continue to
munch on everything though -it keeps
the field looking nice. If they only eat
the blossoms, then we will be lefr with
an overgrown field of unattractive bor­
ing women which isn't pleasant for any­
one.
2. Confidence is a Hannah Montana
concert -everyone wants to have it in
front of them, bur only if Miley Cyrus
still looks fifteen and wears striped, be­
jeweled gloves with the fingers cut off
of them. Combine these things for op­
timum success -wear tween clothing
and shamelessly parade yourself in front
of your peers and respected elders. Ev­
eryone will praise and respect you for
this. Some might even put your visage
on backpacks, which is a sure way to get
laid.
3. Classrooms are like sanitized
chicken coups. They often smell gross
and no one knows why. Students are
typically blamed for this phenomenon,
even though i r's probably due to a burst
sewer pipe. This doesn't matter, though;
the professor just wants eggs. So, stop
smelling bad and produce eggs full of
the yellowy god food of knowledge.
4. Textbooks are like rocks. Most
of chem are boring and brown or grey.
Some are shiny and polished-looking
and it's really exciting when you find
them in the dirt. Strange ones are sur­
prisingly sharp and you often hurt
yourself while flipping through the pag-
Alf.
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t✓v es. Others are way too heavy to carry,
but you try anyway. Regardless of their
physical attributes, all of them are too
expensive to decorate your front yard
with. Don't try.
5. Nakedness is Seaside Oregon. It's
often cold and uncomfortable, but ex­
tremely pleasant in the summer. Tour­
ists like to see it during vacations. No
matter what time of year, it will prob­
ably make you a little wet. Also, don't
stay for too long. It'll start to get boring
j usr like every other state of being.
6. On-campus ex-lovers are like piles
of rotting fish in your bathroom sink.
You don't know how they got there, but
you have to deal with them eventually
and the stink will linger for months.
Also, their eyes look weird and milky.
This could be because they cry about
you a lot. Bur don't kid yourself.
7. English majors are better than ev­
eryone else.
8. Coming up with metaphors is
like eating a half gallon of mint choco­
late chip ice cream in a bathtub after
being dumped by someone super hot
and amazing. It sounds way more fun
and soothing before you actually try
it. In reality, you end up dropping the
whole container of ice cream into the
rub which clouds the water and makes
it lukewarm. The cloudy water then re­
minds you of past bubble baths that you
shared together. You start crying and
continue earing the now melted, soapy
ice cream. Later you throw up and de­
cide to never tell anyone about it.
9. Going to our school's improv
club meetings on Fridays at 3:30pm in
the Trail Room is like amazing sex. It's
public. People clap for you. Everyone
is smiling. Sometimes you even get a
high-five. You're somehow energized af­
terwards, which makes no sense whatso­
ever since you usually suffer from severe
bangovers. For those of you unfamiliar,
bangover is the proper term for being
sleepy and unproductive after sex. It
derives from the Latin root "h;tngover."
Remember: Fridays. 3:30pm. Trail
Room. Amazing sex.
ILLUSTRATION BY MARLEY'S BOYFRIEND, BRAD JONAS )If fJ¢1 I refuse to include a tenth metaphor
because I am opposed to the perceived
necessity of even numbers.
Brad Elkins' BRADVICE: Dealing with "feelings"
Dear Brad,
I am a popular student
here on campus. I have a
lot of friends, and I think
people generally think I
am awesome. Also, I am
known for having a way
with the ladies, if you know
what I mean *upward eye­
brow gesture*. While my
life may seem unbelievably
more cool than yours ever
will and I may get more
poontang that you could
shake a stick at, I have a problem.
I'm a sensitive dude.
Everyone thinks I'm this totally rad misogynist,
but really, I love women. And not just in a dirty
freaky dungeon sex way. I truly care about their feel­
ings and I want them to care about mine. But at the
same rime I don't want everyone else to think I'm to­
tally lame. Plus half the reason why most girls sleep
with me is because deep down their self-esteem is so
low that they like being mistreated by guys like me.
And I can't help that! I'm just tryin' to capitalize on
a situation, you know? Even if I started showing my
true emotions, everyone else would think I was to-rally lame and I would lose my street cred. What am
I to do?
How do I continue to be a public asshole but re­
main a secret romantic?
-Hopelessly Chauvinist
Hopelessly Chauvinist,
In pondering your predicament, I have come to re­
alize that much of what you have expressed to me are
sentiments that are shared to a varied degree amongst
all men. Looking at the cold, hard facts, men think
about sex every seven seconds, and men think about
having sex with a different woman pretty much each
time that thought runs through their heads. In fact,
our heteronormative, gender biased society has cre­
ated a common conception that it is actually cool to
be a male who sleeps with a gaggle of girls (think,
"men are pimps, women are hos"). However, many
men don't act on these urges, and instead regulate
themselves to lives of monotonous monogamy (bur
don't kid yourselves readers, they still fantasize!).
You, however, have bought in to this stereotypical
"pimp" lifestyle, hook, line, and sinker.
While some would be quick to blame you for your
actions, they shouldn't. You are simply a product of
the world you grew up in. This leads me to my main
•.•.•• :...l:t.X'i•
.......... 1 ,, point.
Your situation reminds me of a character on a crit­
ically-acclaimed bur viewer-disdained NBC televi­
sion program, 30 Rock. Tracy Jordan, as "played" by
actor Tracy Morgan, is a comedian and actor whose
career rests on the public perception that he is a wild
and crazy parry animal who cheats on his wife with
video hos, prostitutes, and assorted breakfast foods.
However, Tracy Jordan is not that kind of guy. For
him, it's all an act. He confides to his cast members
that his public persona is a farce and that he is in love.
with his wife, and only his wife. In fact, he admits
that he only goes out and parries because his wife
makes him (since his livelihood rests on the percep­
tion that he is wild, he therefore must act wild, even
if he doesn't want to ... his wife seems to mostly be
concerned about those dollar bills, bur char is neither
here nor there). The point I'm trying to make is this:
Find a woman you love. Show her the love and af­
fection she deserves, and she will shower it back on
to you. Simultaneously, make a career out of being a
chauvinist. I suggest either being a late-night infor­
mercial psychic or PioLog love columnist.
Now you can have your cake and eat it too. Just
like Tracy Jordan. Except he might have sex with it.
Please do not ~end your questions to Brad Elkins. ' l?llliJl(i)lll/)Jll:, l'ilr/11:,fj HIii fi'/1JliJ/jfj fll(i)liJliJ§B !Wivm@ ©lblA\mJ@mm bi\Yllllbl!YH@
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I I n ,--6 ~#¥@4- theMossyLog,April 1,2010
The very real confessions of an ASLC call girl
by Fantazia Lebowitz
*Names have been omitted to
protect the not so innocent.
It all started on Oct. 3, a Satur­
day night. My craigslist ad solicit­
ing myself as a barely 30 cougar­
type near Palatine Hill had been
up for approximately three hours.
Hits from the Lewis & Clark base­
ball team had been pouring in for
at least two hours, but I knew I
wanted a real man to take care of
me, plus I hear they never tip.
As I waited patiently for a reply
to pop up in my inbox I thought
about the path my life was on. Sure
I had obtained a liberal arts degree
and received honors on my spec­
tacular thesis about environmen­
talism as it is portrayed in Latin
American reggaeton hits, but that
didn't mean shit in the real world.
Here I was, eight years out of col­
lege, and the only way I could keep
myself alive was by was giving peo­
ple what they most wanted in life:
good sex. It was true that it had
taken me a while to come to terms
with my new line of work, but it
was much better than working as
a barista, and I made damn good
money too.
Then there it was. I had no idea
that this email message would lead
to a change in my life and that I
would become enveloped in a sys­
tem that was deeply corrupted and
disturbing: the Associated Students
of Lewis & Clark. My first client
with the ASLC was a lover of the
finer things in life: booze and wom­
en. His sex addiction was more
than apparent on our first visit. We
met in his office in Templeton and
as he waved is gavel, I knew this
poor boy had been searching for
love in all the wrong places.
A deeply passionate man (mani­
fest in his red beard), he would lat-er break down in an emotional fit
revealing he was told by higher ups
that his position within the ASLC
was a strategic one. His role in the
organization was actually to "slam''
as many women as possible in an
effort to distract the female popu­
lation from actually caring about
ASLC. He revealed to me in our
second meeting this realization and
his plans to seduce an editor of this
newspaper to let him write a sex
column. But this was only the be­
ginning.
Mere days passed when I re­
ceived a second call from within
ASLC. I agreed to meet with him
near the Sacajawea statue at exact­
ly 11 :34 p.m. When I arrived the
young man revealed himself; his
pants were just tight enough to re­
veal the goods.
"It's not safe here," the young
leader said as he grabbed my hand
and pulled me into an automo­
bile in the parking lot resembling
something you would see Saturday
morning at a 10-year old soccer
tournament.
As we arrived at what I am as­
suming is his humble abode, he
lead me to his room. I felt dirty as
Barack Obama's eyes looked upon
me from the poster on the wall
and shame swept across my face. I
scanned the room hoping to gain a
perspective on this mysterious yet
charming figure. A copy of/ Hope
They Serve Beer in Hell was open
and laid flat on the nightstand next
to Onward Christian Athletes. "Oh
that type," I thought to myself,
"this should be easy."
After our business transaction
was complete, he began to reveal
his insecurities about his position
in ASLC. He told me he had been
recruited early in his LC life by
the administration to lead a class
of "new" LC students. They had
forced him to use his sexual pow-ers to seduce women, but he was in
much deeper. He described for me
the master plan of the administra­
tion that had taken control of this
young politician's life. Basically it
was to oust the old LC for a more
"suburbia" feel; including more
athletics and less hippie bullshit.
He also revealed that he was in­
structed by the Board of Trustees
to create the Senate in an effort to
indoctrinate the minds of LC and
that they literally did nothing at
the meetings but play Ke$ha music
videos filled with subliminal mes­
sages.
After he fell asleep, I promptly
snuck out.
Months passed and no word
from them. I wondered if they had
been too embarrassed to call back
after their emotional breakdowns
or if they didn't enjoy my servic­
es. Although I found work sling­
ing rock at Reed, I still didn't need
them spreading a bad reputation. I
decided to contact them.
"Don't call here again. They
know," said the one with the gavel.
''Are you trying to get me
killed?" said the other. "Meet me at
Sacajawea, 11:34 p.m."
When I arrived, he told me this
had to be our last meeting and
passed me a note. It read: "They
know. We will all be reuwined."
I think he mean ruined. When
I looked up from the note, the
young commander was gone. As
I turned to leave a small figure in
glasses approached me and then
came the blow to the head.
The next few hours are a bit
fuzzy. A sweet-looking girl with
tight blonde curls beat me repeat­
edly. Others were there, includ­
ing a baby faced boy who stared
longing into his laptop and then
ordered Chez Jose (he would later
regret this choice).
The small female with glasses This ASLC office chair holds many dark secrets.
they all called "the Dithanator" ap­
proached me in between beatings.
"Who told you," she screamed.
Clearly she was trying to get me to
confess but I couldn't imagine end­
ing chose boys' political careers so
early. Their reputations would be
ruined.
Finally after I refused to talk,
the apparent leader of the pack
made me an offer: $30,000 to keep
my mouth shut about everything.
Appar~ntly, she was even deeper
than the ochers and had the power
to "throw money" at people. I told her that I would take
the money and she immediately
signed my check request form. A
few weeks later, I was approached
by a harsh woman with glasses and
an iPhone about my story. She told
me that with the PioLog's inflated
budget that she would be willing to
give me $40,000 for my story and
anonymity. She said that she had
run anonymous quotes before and
she could do it again.
Thus I rode off into the sunset
with $70,000 that could have been
used to fund work study jobs.
Ke$ha accepted to LC via portfolio path application
by Lainey Reed
Lewis & Clark admissions and
pop sensation Ke$ha announced
Wednesday late in the evening that
Ke$ha will be attending LC begin­
ning next semester. Accepting on
through the LC Portfolio Path,
Ke$ha said, 'Tm just happy LC
made special arrangements for me.
Portfolios ROCK."
According to Interim Dean of
Admissions Erica Johnson Ke$ha
completed all components of the
Portfolio Path: two samples of
writing, one sample of quantita­
tive/scientific work (science lab
repo rt,ma th/ science/ economics
test or work), one sample of your
choice, and three teacher recom­
mendations (from academic teach­
ers).
A secret source in admissions,
who we pinky promised not to tell
on, Ke$ha submitted lyrics to her
songs, "Tik Tok," and "Blah, Blah,
Blah," for her writing samples. For
quantitative portion she submit­
ted a math worksheet with stars
and hearts written all over it. Her
choice of selection was a poem.
Luckily, the Pioneer Log was able
to obtain a copy of this poem. It
reads: "Glitter and sex/ the two things I love/ I like candy and hard
alcohol/ Where my hoes be at/
Haaawwwwllllaaaa."
''Apparently they were really im­
pressed with her," said the super­
secret source. "I don't know what
they see in her, I mean she isn't
even pretty."
Often labeled as a Lady Gaga Multiple campus organizations
are vetting for her, including wom­
en's lacrosse, Cockapella, and the
Cheese Club.
Cheese Club President Herny
Rowengardner ('11) said, "With a
famous star like that, we can have
all the brie we want."
The adminstration has asked all
"When I found out that they sell bottles
of Jack at the Chevron down the street,
I knew that this was the college for me,"
said Ke$ha.
wannabe, Ke$ha said that she plans
to major in Awesomeness and mi­
nor in Bad Grammar. According to
her Facebook, Ke$ha will fit in per­
fectly with the students at LC. She
said, "If you're fucking rad, then
let's party ... Killin it ... Got a bullet
with your name on it." Perfect fit.
Ke$ha's admittance to the col­
lege marks the third famous pop
artist to grace the halls of LC. Rap­
pers Kool Moe Dee and Marky
Mark were both accepted into LC
in the late '80s, but neither made it
to Commencement. continuing students to not totally
flip out when they see LC's latest
additon.
The admistration released an
official statement today saying,
"Please for the love of God, don't
scare away the only person funnel­
ling money into this shithole."
Already outfitted with glit­
ter face paint, a nose ring,
feathers, hairwraps and a
thin braid dangling from her
hair, Ke$ha is sure to fit in
with the LC community. the Mossy Log, April I, 20 IO 111111111 i\ti\ljj @... 7
The Thrifty Gotirmet: Have it your way at Burger King
Left: Burger King is conveniently located at the Pioneer Express stop near Fred Meyer. Right: A Neopet toy is now included in every kids' meal.
by Patty Mayonnaise
The wafting scent of charbroiled beef and fried canola oil
drew me in to Burger King as I exited the Raz on my way to
Fred Meyer to purchase laundry detergent and milk.
From the Whopper to the Double Whopper to the Origi­
nal Chicken Sandwich and the BK Big Fish, BK offers the
full spectrum of protein between two buns. And BK's dedica­
tion to condiment options means you can truly "have it your
way," setting them apart from other fast-food chains.
The value menu, featuring the Whopper Jr., crown­
shaped chicken tenders and a Durch apple pie, for just one
dollar each, is a favorite among many diners on a budget.
However, my choice for the price-conscious college stu­
dent is die Kid's Meal, which includes an entree, side, drink
and toy for less than three dollars. This meal, holding true
to BK's motto, can be customized into many combinations,
suiting each diner's individual wants and needs.
With every kids meal, one receives a fun, creative Burger
King crown. Burger King allows every child (or adult) ro feel like royalty for a few minutes while they revel in the memo­
rable dining experience that the restaurant provides.
Fresh Apple Fries for $1.59 are a uniquely impressive
menu item that really hits the spot. These apple slices are
not fried, they are just cleverly sliced to mimic the shape of
thick cut french fries. They even come in a plastic bag with a
packet oflow fat caramel sauce. You can't get more fresh than
that! If you don't feel like paying the$ 1.59 for a bag, have no
fear. You can easily substitute apple fries for regular french
fries in a kids meal.
The unique fare aside, the real reason to make the trip
to Burger King is the ambiance. The flourescent lights will
be sure to brighten your day. If you're lucky enough to snag
a window seat, your dining experience will be graced with
views of the Fred Meyer parking lot-great people watching.
The seating area is located right next to the play area, so
one will be soothed and entertained by the sounds of darling,
delightful children playing nicely while their parents ignore
them in favor of a medium Diet Coke and a 9-piece Funnel
Cake Sticks with icing. "But I want an ICEE!" I overheard one reveler exclaim.
"Mom! Tell Annie to give me back my Webkin," added
another, wearing a Burger King crown.
Ah, the joys of parenthood.
Most would agree that BK, with its 24-hour drive thru, is
the perfect venue for late night munchies or drunken whims.
I would also argue that late at night, when the restaurant is
nearly empty, it makes for an intimate date spot. Try it out,
there's no need to thank me.
BURGER KING
7601 SW Barbur Boulevard
Monday-Friday: 6 a.m. to 11 p.m
Weekends: until 1 a.m.
College Indoors says no to sun, will camp in Thayer ::ii I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I II I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I 1111111111111:: - -
~ £t VESDROPPING
by Eden Kim
Tim Paleman ('12) has recently estab­
lished College Indoors, a new club dedicated
to taking advantage of what the indoors has
to offer.
"So many people forget about the beauty
and comfort that can be found indoors," said
Paleman. "We spend so much time hiking,
biking, kayaking and camping outdoors, but
we need to recognize that college is the prime
time to explore the places that are right in
front of our eyes yet so easily ignored by
most people."
As their first plan of action, the student
group plans to camp in Thayer in Templeton
this weekend. Planned activities include do­
ing homework, playing charades, and sitting
in uncomfortable chairs.
"Some people like trees. And I get that,"
said Julie Hertz ('10). "But I like light fix­
tures, chairs, commercial carpeting, and
white walls, you know? I'm graduating this
year and I'm happy to finally find people at
LC who feel the same way as me about the
indoors."
"Unfortunately, in rooms with windows
it's hard to keep the sun out," said Paleman.
"So we used our budget money to buy a few
sheets of plywood to put over the windows.
That way we can all have the true indoors ex­
perience-no nature allowed!"
Lindsay Leafler ('11), who often partici­
pates in College Outdoors trips, thinks that
College Indoors is kind of lame.
"I just think it's pretty stupid," said Leaf­
ier. "Thayer is like, one of the ugliest rooms
on campus. I would stab myself in the eyes if Somewhat of a recluse, Paleman
('12) decided to extend his love for
the indoors to other slightly reclu­
sive students through his new club.
Above: College Indoors' first desti­
nation, Thayer in Templeton. Right:
College Indoors logo.
I had to spend a weekend in there."
Paleman wanted to stress that the fact
that Thayer was so underappreciated is what
drew him and other CI members to the oft­
forgotten Templeton meeting room.
Later in the semester, Paleman plans to
host trips to the stairwell in Howard aca­
demic, an Olin lecture hall to be announced
and Miller 105 ("The one with no windows,"
said Paleman). "What class do you
have next?"
"H h ' 1" ey, w ats up.
"Yeah I have a lot of
work this week."
"S I " ee you ater.
"I I " ove you.
''Are you in the
B ;:>" on.
"How are you?
"S b ..,,, up ror
=r11111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111f -~
-. ► ~ - -l •
----:-sk8er boi 1@;§'1ih•i ■ thePioneerLog,April 1.5,2010
Lady Gaga drops serious knowledge on PioLog
by the former editor-in-chief of the PioLog
In a rare and very exclusive interview that
only the Pioneer Log has the leverage to
get on this campus, Lady Gaga stopped
by to talk to Nichole Carnell about her fans
and the world of Gaga. Let's have a look.
1he PioLog-. Your album The Fame came out last year, but,
inarguably, 2009 has been the year of Gaga. How are you
feeling?
Lady Gaga: Yeaaaaaaa .... (sigh) It took a while for you idiots
to catch on to my glorious Gaga flow. I'm an innovator and a
monster. I'm also Robo-tripping right now ...
PL: You got two tattoos in Japan. What's the one on your in­
ner arm that you got in Osaka?
LG: It's a tribute to my dead kitten, Mr. Bojangles. He loved
anime.
PL: What about the second tattoo on your shoulder, the one
you got in Tokyo?
LG: Oh yeah, I told the small man to give the "soul-sucking
whore" chinese character to symbolize the music industry,
who is responsible for the death of Mr. Bojangles. But when
I looked it up on the Internet and it means guacamole. I find
it ironic.
PL: Lady Gaga fans are some of the most obsessive out there
right now. How do you relate to them?
LG: I don't.
PL: So where does the name Lady Gaga come from?
LG: It actually means "healer of all things and bringer of joy
to everyone who feels like they don't fit in" in Icelandic.
PL: You are coining all kinds of great words. Tell us about
retrosexual.
LG: Retrosexual is a person who prefers fish to chicken when
they RSVP to a wedding they are sure will fail in less than a
year.
PL: Very cool. What was it like filming the video for "Just
Dance?"
LG: Actually, that's not me. I thought it would be more
meaningful if it were only robots. So they're all robots. Well,
Akon isn't a robot, because he is controlling all the robots.
PL: I heard you say this quote I loved, and I'd love for you to
explain it-you 'make music for the dress.' PHOTO BY TOM MEAT A clearly intoxicated Gaga poses with former editor-in-chief in the Piolog office post interview.
LG: I thought I was pretty clear with that one ...
PL: What's the story behind the song "Paparazzi," because
there's been a few interpretations of it?
LG: It's clearly about a crazed, psycho femme who is obsessed
with a person so she follows him around constantly. That
song was written during the part of my life where I was in
madly in love and sexually involved with Burt Reynolds. And
by that part of my life I mean right now.
PL: Do you have an aversion to more contemporary song­
writing styles and references?
LG:No.
PL: I read somewhere that you went to school with the Hil­
ton sisters?
LG: Yes, Jessica and Janet Hilton. Nice girls. We were in the
school band together.
PL: Did they have any affect on you?
LG: No, not really. I slept with Jessica's date after Prom and
Janet was killed in a terrible hot tub incident in 2008. Al­
though I witnessed it, I was not involved according to my
affidavit.
PL: You're making dance music, but you're signed to a more
hip-hop artist program. There's often been a lot of conflict between hip-hop and dance.
LG: Fuuuuck dude ... [inaudible].
PL: How are you bridging the two?
LG: My image will not be changed by the industry.
PL: What's the story behind "Dirty Rich?" I love that song.
LG: I think it's the absolute worst song I have ever written.
You have no taste.
PL: I saw some performances online of you at Lollapalooza.
What was it like playing there?
LG: I wish I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you
and Beyonce.
PL: OK. Lady Gaga, what would you like to say to all of
your new fans out there?
LG: AGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (At this point, Gaga went
into a frenzy: She defecated on the couch and then kicked
over a trashcan).
Lady Gaga tickets are now on sale for her
May 26 stint of the Monster Ball tour at the
Rose Garden, but good luck getting them.
She's a fucking superstar and they are
probably already sold out. Plus they cost
like $3 bizzillion each.
PHOTO OF THE YEAR We discovered this in our grnail inbox. What you read has not
been edited.
Mistake or not, what made you decide to go the rock-'n'­
roll route?
Carelessness. I lost my one true love. I started drinking.
The first thing I know, I'm in a card game. Then I'm in a
crap game. I wake up in a pool hall. Then this big Mexican
lady drags me off the table, takes me to Philadelphia. She
leaves me alone in her house, and it burns down. I wind up
in Phoenix. I get a job as a Chinaman. I start working in a
dime store, and move in with a 13-year-old girl. Then this
big Mexican lady from Philadelphia comes in and burns the
house down. I go down to Dallas. I get a job as a "before" in
a Charles Atlas "before and after" ad. I move in with a deliv­
ery boy who can cook fantastic chili and hot dogs. Then this
13-year-old girl from Phoenix comes and burns the house
down. The delivery boy -he ain't so mild: He gives her the
knife, and the next thing I know I'm in Omaha. It's so cold
there, by this time I'm robbing my own bicycles and frying
my own fish. I stumble onto some luck and get a job as a car­
buretor out at the hot-rod races every Thursday night. I move
in with a high school reacher who also does a little plumbing
on the side, who ain't much to look at, bur who's built a spe­
cial kind of refrigerator that can turn newspaper into lettuce.
Everything's going good until that delivery boy shows up and
tries to knife me. Needless to say, he burned the house down,
and I hit the road. The first guy that picked me up asked me
if I wanted to be a star. What could I say?
And that's how you became a rock-'n'-roll singer?
No, that's how I got tuberculosis.
-Thomas Hochstettler ('13)
If you want to see your photo featured in the PioLog, send it
and an accompanying description to piolog@lclark.edu. •
the Mossy Log, April 1, 2010 Art & Edutainment 9 9 eroblems but a bitch ain't one
PHOTO COURTESY OF THAT AVATAR DUDE
Comm prof publishes definitive film study:
'Exploring Genre in Titanic'
Professor of Communications Ryan Be­
bok's paradigmatic article "Exploring Genre
in Titanic" contains the blood, sweat, and
research of five and a half years. Read it in
this month's The Scholarly Journal of Film
($23 on newsstands), but thanks to one
PioLog editor with a case of the slippery fin­
gers, we proudly present this advance look
at the revolutionary piece. .
What better film might define genre and ideology than
Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslec's• Titanic? The film set
the present record for consecutive weeks at the top of do­
mestic charts' while teary-eyed fan-girls worldwide spent
their lives (and life's savings) watching Jack and Rose's love
bloom and die, only to bloom again with the returning sun
and open theaters. Titanic is the romance for the romantic.
Scene 462:
Rose: ... Like in a dream, it is so gorgeous,
but defies any logic.
In this line Rose is referring to the paintings of Picasso,
but she clearly defines the ideology that encompasses the
1 BoxOfficeMojo.com, All Time Box Office.
2 Imdb.com, Titanic, James Cameron 1997 version. film. Any story of true love must defy logic, and Titanic is
no different. A logical human must hold basic survival to the
highest standard, but Rose abandons chis logic in an attempt
at suicide. She has become jaded by the upper-class frame­
work of her existence, and so admits defeat to whatever inter­
est may find her.
Along comes Jack, who will wreck her home with no roof
to provide, but instills in her an absurd delight in a carefree
existence. Ir is this interrupting romance between uncom­
mon lovers which supports the Romance Genre.
. . ... ·• ., • l . • .
The romantic idea of abandoning routine for the whimsi-
cal hope of perfection is found in many plots throughout the
whole story.
The film's namesake, Titanic R.M.S., the ship, was a ro­
mantic idea for the masses of the early 20th century. It was
envisioned as the superlative way to travel, even in a time
when airplanes were growing their wings.
The Titanic would be the pride on the horizon of the in­
dustrialized world, but while the chandeliers were hung for
beauty and the engines built for power, the structure did not
hold up to reality of the elements.
Within the modern-day sub-plot of the film, Lovett the
treasure hunter proliferates the romantic conventions. He
has idolized a unique gem, dubbed "The heart of the ocean,"
and made it his life goal to seek out and own the treasure.
It is not known what caused this obsession, but at some
point Lovett abandoned all for his diamond dream. As the
diamond becomes equated with the antagonist, Lovett aban-dons his dream of uncovering material riches for the uncov­
ering of emotional riches. Finally in his confession of this
introspective discovery, Lovett opens the possibility of a ro­
mance with Rose's granddaughter.
The lower class passengers like Jack are in pursuit of the
American dream, surely a romantic ideology. They have be­
come unsatisfied with their lives, and so follow hearsay to the
land of promise. In America they can abandon the dismal life
they lived, to find love, success, and wealth.
Alas, the poor fools will never set foot in America, for
the romance genre m·ust not find the bombastic. spontaneous
pursuits of perfection successful in a material manner. Not
even the main romance between Rose and Jack is success­
ful in the flesh, but only the metaphysical love that lives on
forever.
In order to continue the American Capitalist ideology,
such risky decisions must not develop into much more than
love and a wonderful story. The proletariat moviegoers want
to see an escape from their everyday lives, but such sporadic
decisions must apply only to the intangible love. Capitalism
cannot promote all-consuming sporadic decisions, for fear
of losing those subscribed to the 9 to 5 job and 300 cable
channels.
The romance is one of the older genres in film, but Titanic
still holds a valuable position in the genre's progression. This
film helped establish the heavy production romance, with ex­
pensive action scenes, as the most popular film genre, and
most box office records show chis statistically. •
---·--,;.--...., X -'i-j\j I il]U-, h j(,)j... tht; Mossy Log, April I, 2010
Athletes push for resolution to rid LC campus of hippies
by Staff Jennings
The administration unanimously passed
a resolution over spring break to remove all
"hippie bullshit" from the school's budget for
the 2010-11 school year. Members of the Stu­
dent Athlete Advisory Committee (SMC)
were the main proponents in drafting and
pushing for a quick vote on the resolution.
The resolution, nicknamed "Deodorant"
by the administration, calls for the immediate
outlawing of chickpeas and chickpea related
substances from all campus events as well as
sharp curs to the Co-Op's tie-dye budget.
"We wanted to nix Baba Ganoush, too,"
said SMC co-chair Amalia Nilsson ('11),
"but we just couldn't land the votes neces­
sary to write it into the resolution. Maybe in
2012."
After years of discrimination against stu­
dent-athletes by the Lewis & Clark hippie
population, SMC's members realized it was
time to take a stand. The hit-or-miss practices
that had admitted equal parts hippie and ath­
lete over the past few years were simply not
enough; a resolution was the next logical step. This barefooted, dreadlocked, stinky, jam band-lovin' crowd is not long for LC thanks to the good people of SAAC.
"Most hippie students that our prelimi­
nary research identified didn't know there was
a soccer team," SMC Advisor Sharon Sexton
said with a grin. "We'll see if their Railroad
Earth and organic granola saves them now."
The resolution not only calls for budget
cuts, but also encourages the enforcement of
a few dress code changes, sanitation rules and
recreational guidelines that will, as the reso-
1 ution reads, "help remove all hippie bullshit
from campus entirely."
The resolution proposes that slacklines will be strongly discouraged, while barefootedness
will not be tolerated in any form. Minimum
weekly shower rates will also be enforced on
all students living on campus, while those that
live off campus will be monitored by a "smell
check" which will be administered twice a
week at random.
The resolution also allows for stricter mea­
sures to be enforced if they are deemed neces­
sary. Campus Safety was far too busx celebrat­
ing and could not be reached for comment.
Curling club conquers
University of Phoenix
by Leif Gariksson
Sunday's matchup between the Pioneers
and the University of Phoenix Phoenixes at
the Lloyd Center Ice Rink had all the build
up any die-hard curling fan could have wished
for. LC, coached by Economics Professor Cliff
Bekar, came into the game off a tough loss to
the University of British Columbia last week
on neutral ice in Seattle.
"It is never a good sign when you have no
chance at winning after eight ends. It's really
unprecedented, but that's how good these Ca­
nadians are," said Zachary Kearl ('10), the skip.
for the Pios. As for the University of Phoenix,
they cruised to five straight victories before en­
tering the Lloyd Center, LC's home ice.
When the Pios stepped onto the sheet, fans
went wild and delayed the game by throw­
ing rotten cod_ onto the sheet and yelling
"You stink!" at the Phoenixes. LC sweeps, in
order, were Claire Burdick ('12), Gillian Be­
ran-Maryott ('12), and Danny Garcia ('10).
The Pios got off to a rough start with Burdick
crossing the near hog line on her second
throw. Burdick had an off day, shooting only
73%, but had some key hard sweeps to save
the Pios near the end of play. With University of Phoenix sitting three in
the house in the seventh, Garcia settled a red
rock right on the button with his last throw.
The Phoenixes then failed to knock Garcia's
stone far enough away and Kearl's last throws,
both guards, were perfect to regain the ham­
mer and the lead for the eighth end.
The Phoenixes played expertly in the tenth,
forcing Kearl to throw a draw in between
three guards in order to score one and solidify
the win.
"I knew right when I released that stone
that I had the right weight, line, and turn on
it. The sweeps didn't even have to look at their
stopwatches -it felt really good to close the
year in that fashion," Kearl said. '
Throughout the season, Bekar, Kearl and
Garcia have used their heads to steal 19 ends
from their opponents, a school record.
"I don't know the rules, but I guess we are
pretty good," said Garcia. During the match,
Garcia ended up shooting a season-best 93%.
Bekar hopes that next year the team will be
able to compete in Vancouver's Olympic Cen­
tre, though he knows that it will be a rebuild­
ing year.
"As a BC native, I would love to bring LC's
team to one of the finest curl­
ing facilities in the world."
The team would also like to
go on a picnic, but that is only
loosely related to their curling
dreams.
After the last stone was
thrown and the score finalized
9-7, the Pios led the Phoenix
Phoenixes to the nearest Plaid
Pantry, where they enjoyed
Labatt Blue, Canada's finest
beer, and celebrated the Spirit
of Curling.
Kearl ('10) does a curling goofy-move. Curling is
j_ust as boring and confusing as you thought. One University of Phoenix
sweep said, "I love curling be­
cause even if you lose, you still
win. Now that's my kind of
sport! Cheers." Those students who currently have dread­
locks will be asked to cut their hair by Spring
2011 or else will be subject to forced atten­
dance of LC sporting events.
"We have a gym?" said an extremely stinky
dreadlocked student. The student wished to
remain anonymous due to the sensitivity of his
personal hygiene choices.
All Grateful Dead and Phish T-shirts will
also be banned from campus functions, with
punishments ranging from vigorous face washing to forced participation on the track
& field team.
Additionally, any student wearing clothes
in which large portions of the garment are
constructed from patches of other garments
will be forced to admit publidy that they were
in fact born in the '90s and that they have rich
parents.
Because hippies don't read emails, students
will be notified of the resolution and its stipu­
lations during a fake bluegrass show on 4/20. -, •
thePioneerLog,April 1,2010 ' -i•)i!•ii~ 11
I This page is not part of the Mossy Log; this is real content submitted_ by_ readers and ady~rt!~~r~.
Letters to .the Editor
Time to reflect on your education
After reading Mr. Meath's opinion piece "The liberal arts have failed ... " (March 19,
2010), I reflected on daily conversations with students, especially seniors. The college
transition is often filled with open-ended questions that are exciting, overwhelming and
sometimes frustrating. Excitement about graduation is mixed with questions of what's next.
It's unfair, but true -there's no secret button. Figuring out what you want in life is a process
and requires hard work, persistence and diligence. No cramming sessions here!
The good news is that liberal ans education is valuable even beyond Mr. Meath's list.
Graduates develop tangible skills such as written and oral communications, quantitative rea­
soning, research and information retrieval, critical thinking, and problem solving--that's just
a start. It is essential to develop skill competencies through a range of experiences including
writing for the Pioneer Log; serving in a leadership role; volunteering with a nonprofit; or
interning for a business. Employers want graduates who can articulate their unique value so
reflecting on your experiences is key to the process.
Lewis & Clark and Portland are ripe with opportunities to develop the skills necessary
for today's economy. Engaged learning requires active involvement in the classroom and
beyond .. Take full advantage of what our community has to offer: national speakers, vibrant
nonpr;fics, public service, faculty research, leadership opportunities, alumni support and
more.
Employers look for intelligent, creative, motivated, passionate individuals. Sounds like a
Lewis & Clark graduate to me! Now if only there was a campus resource to help. Just kid­
ding --my East Coast humor is sneaking out.
Come by to see how 3CE can assist with navigating tricky waters and staying on course.
That's an invitation is for all undergraduates. Mr. Meath, thank you for starting this impor­
tant conversation. I invite you to meet with me to discuss your bright future.
Minda Heyman
Director, Center for Career & Community Engagement IA Symposium: Global (Dis) Order
I write to encourage our Lewis & Clark community to actively participate next week in
the 48th Annual International Affairs Symposium, Monday-Wednesday, April 5-7, in both
afternoon and evening sessions. In reviewing the list of guest speakers, I am pleased that the
student organizers have invited well-known experts on a broad variety of topics related to the
symposium theme-"Global (Dis) Order: Searching for Solurions in a Changing World."
Attendees will hear moderated debates from distinguished speakers representing a contin­
uum of viewpoints. And there will be ample time for QI A sessions following formal remarks.
We'll learn about the effectiveness of summit diplomacy, assessing threats to terrorism, the
nuclear conundrum, power struggles between East and West, responses to failed or failing
states, and foreign policy prescriptions related to promotion of democracy.
All sessions will be held in the Council Chamber at 3:30 p.m. and 7 p.m., and are free
and open to the public. However, the debate on Monday, April 5, 7:30 p.m., will be held at
the Chapel and will be ticketed. Please pick up your complimentary ticket at the Bookstore
while they last.
This debate on "Democracy Promotion: Examining Foreign Policy Prescriptions" features
General Merrill McPeak, retired USAF Chief of Staff, and Paul Wolfowitz, former Deputy
Secretary of Defense under President George W Bush. This session provides a rare oppor­
tunity to hear a strategic planner for Desert Storm, the United Scares' involvement in the
United Nations' action to liberate the nation of Kuwait from occupying Iraqi forces in 1990.
General McPeak is highly critical of the decision by the United States to invade Iraq in 2003.
Former Ambassador to Indonesia, Mr. Wolfowitz crafted the widely known "Wolfowitz Doc­
trine" on U.S. unilateralism and pre-emptive war and is viewed by many as one of the pri­
mary architects of the Iraq War. Robert Kugler, Professor of Religious Studies, will serve as
debate moderator.
Congratulations to the International Affairs Symposium planning committee, and to co­
chairs David Merryman and Sarah Patterson for their superb efforts in crafting these edu­
cational opportunities for us all. For further information, consult the symposium web site.
http://www.lclark.edu/ college/ departments/ international_affairs/ symposium/>
Michael Ford
Associate Vice President for Campus Life
ASLC Candidate Debate
Thinking about
graduate studies?
Consider a Master of Arts in Interdisciplinary
Studies at Marylhurst University.
Examine a range of subjects while
focusing on a concentrated area of study.
Experience intellectual growth and
enhanced professional competence.
Engage with a supportive community of
professors in a highly interactive learning
environment.
Concentrations include:
Gerontology, Organizational Communication,
Spiritual Traditions & Ethics and Liberal Arts
Join us for an information session:
Saturday, April 17 at 10 a.m.
Flavia Hall Salon
Register for this free event at
studentinfo@marylhurst.edu or 503.699 .6268.
ii
MARYLHURST
UNIVERSITY
Academic excellence since 1893 www.marylhurst.edu
17 600 Pacific Highway (Hwy. 43), One mile south of Lake Oswego Tonight/ !Council Chamber/ /6:30 p.m./ /Moderated by the Pioneer Log
Registration is now open.
Session I May 17-June 25 go.lclark.edu/college/summer Session II June 28-August 6
ll!laUr Lewis & Clark's Hawai'i Club presents ll!laUr 2010 Lu'au 2010 2olO
General Bring extra cash
Admission: for our new
$16.50 ~,, tA&i "a l1Cai1ea Country Store
/o'+-" and raffie!
LC Community: ~..,~· ,• ·"• $11.50 All proceeds go
I~~ to Hawai'i
Children 2-12: Wildlife Fund!
$7.50
Children 0-2
Free
I l!laUr Saturday April 3rd, 2010 ll!laUr in Pamplin Sports Center
2010 Dinner 5:00 -7:00pm 2010 Performance: TOO -9:00pm )>
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Meg~ Quint i~i~~res
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Th.us, idon't be to~ loud.
Lin~~y Bosse ·teports
on baseball, softball and
Lau~LNash b~!'ig:
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.. Please e~rnail yo~)t1rou opinion. the Mossy Log,April 1, 2010
Top 10: Reasonsto befriend Tom Meath
10. He is a 546 years old Highlander.
9. He won the NBA Championship with the '83-'84 Boston Celtics
when he was called Larry Bird.
8. He signed the Declaration oflndependence, twice.
7. He was the fourth person to walk on the moon; first to be naked.
6. He's the true author of the plays attributed to Shakespeare, minus
the bad ones.
5. He drinks coffee with cream and sugar.
4. He wrote a sequel to The Catcher in the Rye, but don't tell J. D.
Salinger's estate.
3. His favorite movies are To Kill a Mockingbird and Gigli.
2. He gets by with a little help from his friends.
1. He. is on the short list for future LC President.
Unknown Stories of PioLog
-"'' ~ ·,,:'.. ._, ... •, ,,.,. ,~, • ,.,,_,,.,,,,
Liam O'Connor ('12) loves the band Creed
so much because he's a former member. Sam Margevicius ('11) was an extra in the movie 300. His scene
was unfortunately cut due to its awesomeness.
Mike Richman ('10) became a sports fanatic after
an internship with the Dallas Cowboys. Missy Weldon ('10) is a legendary advocate of peace and photo
ops.
PIOLOG BEAT DOWN!
Angela "the Taskmaster" vVebber
vs.
Nicole "I don't like that picture" Carnell
This Easter Sunday,
at the ·'tfjun6er l>ome!
The Backdoor is a work of humor and does not actually contain real news.
This week. hos been on unabashed attempt at self-gratification, thus this week hos been completely truthful. Drink of the
Week
The Garik
1 part whatever is in your
glass already ~
(.,ran liquor you have lefc4'
• from last night l
Mix in a coffee mug
Garik Asplund (' 10) had
been my muse for drink
ide.as a couple of times this
ser\~~ter. He inspired t~~t
Bad!ttl9-. tl}~l;~!fra~le alid
the Slavic"fC£n'1ilian. So raise
youi',glass to this iron q.s.lly.
» -"".' ,:,~$fa!~: Wo •'"f'. ,§@ Without you.r;~;x;periments,
who would know how ter­
rible these drinks really are?