Lewis & Clark College

The Pioneer Log: Lewis & Clark College’s Student-Run Newspaper

Volume 102, No. 69

Lewis & Clark College Student Newspaper

Pioneer Log Staff

2024-04-01

text/pdf

Text; Newspaper

For questions about rights statements, or access to the original document please contact Lewis & Clark College Special Collections and Archives http://specialcollections.lclark.edu

Lewis & Clark College: Pioneer Log / Mossy Log

By ELI KESSLER
A SPOKESPERSON for Campus
Safety said Thursday that they
are on the lookout for a masked
individual who has been breaking into
student’s rooms and stealing their
diaries. Officials say this so-called
“Masked Reader” has leaked dozens of
entries from the stolen diaries.
Campus Safety Officer Phil Pher
promises they are doing everything
they can to make sure no more diary
entries get released.
“You should see the things these
students are writing about,” said Pher.
“It makes me worried for these poor,
clearly troubled individuals.”
The Seaman Scoop has obtained
exclusive access to some of the entries.
After extensive debate, we have decided
to release a few select entries chosen
exclusively to fulfill the vendettas held
by our editorial board. Please notify us if
your entry appeared in this publication.
We do not care, but tell us anyway.
Diary 0f: Ben Dinrules
“Today is Monday and I can’t take
it. This week is going to eat me up. I
have to read five pages combined for
my classes this week — at this point I
have no memory of why I decided to go
to school. My professor decided that
a video of my interpretive vape trick
routine was ‘an improper and frankly
baffling response’ to the discussion
post prompt, and told me to redo it.
Fucking fascist. I’m probably going to
drop out, because why should we have
to do homework and assignments? It’s
just my parents’ money; I would never
pay to be here. I should at least get
credit for showing up. They have no
clue how important I am. Idiots. This
place sucks.”
Diary of: Wane Kerr
“Dear diary, things are going well
with Professor Pecker and I. I currently
have a D in class and he says he can
help me get it up. I feel like a raging
lion has taken over my body, making
me do things no sane person would do.
I mean I studied past 8 p.m.! Who even
does that? He recently invited me over
to his house to go over the work I have done, and things got spicy — he cooked
me sausage-stuffed jalapeño poppers.
The portion was so big I could barely
get it all in my mouth. He says he does
this with all his students, but I am not
convinced. I see the way this man walks.
I know I am special. I am a changed
man. Thank you Professor Pecker. You
really helped me get my D up.”
Diary of: Ivana Humphalot
“I pictured you opening your legs
for me again — your color-correcting
shampoo lingers on my sheets, not
just in a sheen of red dye but the sweet
scent of lilies that lingers on my lips. It
haunts me, taunting my every move. I
know that you have known me, as we
make eye contact and look away, once
in the Bon and twice in the communal
baths. I watch you through the cracks
in the stall as you floss, but it can never
be enough. Nothing works. You flee as
I start conversations, never stay to hear
me compliment your fit. Do you think
I’m weird for that? Because I know you
knew me. You love me too. Your hips
would never lie.”Vol. 102 No. 69 MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2024 tinyurl.com/AprilFools2024
Portland Police Department begins
new program, first results promising
By EMMA FORD
LAST TUESDAY , the Portland
Police Department announced a
new Positive Action Plan, moving
to “build a space for BIPOC and other
marginalized identities within the
justice system beyond their traditional
roles,” according to a spokesperson.
Officers will be undergoing extensive,
multi-hour training sessions during
which stories, skits and roleplays will aim
to increase sensitivity and community
ties. During this time, phones will be
prohibited but snacks will be provided.
Optional participation in 4th grade field
trips to historical reenactment sites are
also encouraged for all.
The first evidence of this new
program’s effects has already been seen
in recent police actions, including last
Friday’s early-morning clearing of the
longstanding homeless encampment
on Barbur Boulevard (you know, the
one across from Fred Meyer). Officers
participating in the removal paused before
the event to offer a land acknowledgement
to the indigenous peoples whose lands the
encampment now stands on.
“We acknowledge that the entirety of
Portland is situated on indigenous land.
Therefore, we would like to express our
respect to the First Peoples of this land, the
nine federally recognized tribes of Oregon:
Burns Paiute Tribe, Confederated Tribes of
Coos, Lower Umpqua & Siuslaw Indians, Confederated Tribes
of the Grand Ronde,
Confederated Tribes
of Siletz Indians,
Confederated Tribes
of the Umatilla
Indian Reservation,
Confederated Tribes
of the Warm Springs
Reservation, Coquille
Indian Tribe, Cow Creek
Band of the Umpqua Tribe
of Indians and The Klamath
Tribes,” said Sergeant Noel
Naunsens, mispronouncing
a solid half of the names. “It
is important that we recognize
and honor the ongoing legal and
spiritual relationship between
the land, plants, animals and
people indigenous to this place
we now call Oregon. We commit
to engaging in a respectful and
successful partnership as stewards
of these lands.”
The eight officers held a moment
of silence before turning on the lights
and sirens of their cruisers. Using their
nightsticks, the officers beat on tents and
knocked over shopping carts, waking
the bleary-eyed residents and ushering
them towards a paddy wagon bound for
the aptly named Multnomah County jail.
Many members of the neighborhood
felt good about the city’s decision to
clean up the streets.“They’re dangerous,” said Min
Mumwage, the manager of the Fred
Meyer. “They scare our customers with
their weird and savage ways. And those
ratty-ass tents are such an eyesore!”
This was not a unique event. As
part of the ongoing movement towards
beautification that has included the
re-criminalization of narcotics and
the enforcement of a dress code in
most public spaces, some homeless encampments have
been relocated by
police officers out of
populated areas.
“Homeless people
just aren’t meant for
a part in our society, at
least not within view of
the public,” said a different
spokesperson for the Police
Department, “They don’t
understand our way of life,
and we need to help them
civilize themselves. Honestly,
we in the department feel very
paternally towards them. They
are like children, in need of our
guidance and our protection.”
The most praise was drawn
towards the police’s new land
acknowledgment — community
members and civic action groups
lauded the decision by a few
progressives within the department
to pay tribute to those that lived on this
land before us.
“We can never forget that we live
on stolen land that isn’t ours,” said
Mumwage. “To have expelled people
from their land against their will,
leaving them with nowhere to go — it
was never right. There truly are some
good cops out there, to be taking this
so seriously.”
Individuals relocated from their
lands were not reachable for comment.
Proud pill
distributor
reveals allThis issue is a work of fiction and satire. Find the two real articles and follow the link to claim your prize!
By MAYA MAZOR-HOOFIEN
HERE AT The Seaman Scoop,
we prioritize stories that
matter. We take careful
consideration when deciding what to
cover, and spend hours upon hours
carefully constructing each piece. As
student journalists, we seek to serve
our community by answering the
questions that are on its mind. Today,
we answer a question that has been
on the minds of all Lewis & Clark
students. What the fuck is going on at
the Fred Meyer pharmacy?
Relentless research and on-campus
interviews proved inadequate to get to
the bottom of this difficult question. I
pulled on my Seaman’s Scoop t-shirt
(Venmo @mayamzhf to get one! They
are super cute, I promise) and ventured
off the hill to crack this case.
Jackie Falco is the Chief Pharmacist
at Fred Meyer on Barbur Boulevard,
and generously agreed to answer a few
of my questions when I caught her on
a smoke break. She has been a licensed
pharmacist for over two decades, and
has seen some change in her field since
she started working.
“When I first started hockin’ pills, I
thought it would be the easiest gig in
the world,” said Falco. “Any idiot can
count, right? So I figured, how hard
could it be? I used to really feel like
I was helping people, y’know? Heart
medicine, insulin, really important
stuff. Twenty-something years later,
and every day it’s just Adderall, Prozac,
Adderall, Prozac, Adderall, Zoloft,
Adderall, Testosterone gel, Klonopin,
Adderall. Kids these days.”
This response was especially
interesting to me, because as everyone
knows, the Fred Meyer on Barbur has
been out of Adderall since 2021. I asked
her about this, curious as to why I have
to drive to Tigard once a month.
“Oh, you noticed that? Huh,” said
Falco, trailing off.
“Can I tell you something off the
record?” she asked, still very much on
the record.
“You’re actually on the-” I tried to
clarify, but she cut me off.
“I have this… problem. It’s not
a problem, really,” she said. “I just
fuckin’ LOVE snorting Adderall. Have
you snorted Adderall before? It’s
awesome to snort Adderall. There’s
so much of it I figured no one would
notice. We still have tons to give out, I
swear. It just helps get me through the
day, really.”
The train had very much already
left the station, so I asked her to
elaborate on what exactly is so hard
about the day, seeing as “Any idiot can
count, right?” I thought this was very
clever of me.
“It’s these kids, man. It used to
be that they all showed up around
7:20, just during the closing rush,”
said Falco. “I think their bus changed
its route or something, because now
they’re here at 5-something every week
night. I have to watch them try not to
accidentally take out their fake ID’s for
the last 3 hours of my shift. And I’m no
cop! But it’s exhausting.”
At this, I gave her a business card
Campus Living contractually requires
me to carry at all times that has the
phone number of a suicide hotline,
a gender specialist and an Adderall
addiction therapist. I wished her well
and thanked her for her time.
So where does this leave us? Looks
like Adderall will not be in stock
anytime soon, but remember, recovery
takes time. Also, when you are on the
record, you are ON the record, folks!
Watch any TV show. Reporters are
almost as bad as dentists on the silver
screen, except we get to wear way
sexier clothes. We truly can not be
trusted. Support student journalism!NOAH BOYARKSY/SOME FUCKING ART SCHOOL
Californian retrospective,
two-state solution closeDorm thefts proliferate,
student diaries at risk
By MAYA MAZOR-HOOFIEN
THIS WEEK marks 6 months
since the beginning of The
Conflict, the contentious
military clash between two groups
with historical and cultural claims to
land they are increasingly unable to
compromise over. You may know this
occurrence by the names “California
Conflict” or simply “tensions in the
Middle West.” In this article, and
in all Seaman Scoop coverage of the
proceedings as it unfolds, we have and
will continue to use the phrase “the
Conflict,” rather than other terms, to
remain as unbiased as possible.
To examine this conflict, it is
important to recall the history that lead
to this moment. For generations, many
have felt that the term “Californian” is
too broad to represent the diversity of
the state. For example, in “The Parent
Trap,” a quasi-Weimar era of Lindsey
Lohan’s then-untainted acting career,
fellow campers excitedly ask Lohan’s
character about being from California
and are disappointed to find that
she lives surrounded by vineyards,
rather than movie stars, in Northern
California’s Napa Valley. Katy Perry’s
hit song “California Girls” is another
misleading conflation of Californian
identity as tied into beach and sun.
Decades of tension have finally led to
this violent spillover.
The fighting began on the outskirts
of Merced, where a UC Berkeley-backed
militia arrived silently in reasonably-
priced hybrids in the dead of night.
Wielding demography maps and
economic regional studies, the army
marched into town and began defacing
buildings with “PARTITION NOW”
and “BLUE STATE TRUE STATE”
posters. The identity of the militants
would not be uncovered until much
later in the conflict, but the damage had
been done. Come morning, the mayor
of San Francisco issued a 12-page
press release which contained neither
the word “Merced” or “Berkeley” but
authorized $10 million in spending for
new intersectional trash cans in the
city center.
Do you guys remember that?
Seriously, the city spent like years redesigning its trash cans. That was
the problem with SF, right? That the
trash cans lacked a certain sleekness?
Seriously, look it up. It will be the
nicest receptacle ever designed by
committee to hold plastic water bottles
full of piss. I digress.
Anyhow, the trash cans were a well-
known code word in the underground
NorCal independence movement.
The Left, the intelligentsia, the
Scrabble players of America: trash
cans. The troops gathered, and full-
scale warfare had broken out all over
the state by late afternoon. Fresno,
Bakersfield, Monterey, Los Gatos,
Stockton and Chico were all flooded
with armed combatants.
The self-proclaimed region of
the “New California Republic” in
the central valley gained ground
in the early weeks, but with Pacific
Northwestern tie-dye money backing
the Northern Army, the Central forces
were quickly stamped out.
While the Northerns clung to
the coast, the Southern Army made
massive land gains inland, where there
were literally no residents to stop them
from zoning an Erewhon.
“It’s so much better than Whole
Foods,” said a Southern soldier.
The fighting has slowed in the past
few weeks, but protests have exploded
throughout the state, far from the
front lines in places that have been
entirely untouched by the conflict.
Police have resorted to hosing down
protesters with hydrogenated oils,
which is effective at dispersing the
crowds but is also a violation of the
Geneva Convention.
Neighboring states have been
assisting in diplomatic relations,
with progress being made toward a
potential two-state solution. Oregon
facilitated a round of negotiations on
Friday in capital city Salem, which had
only one venue appropriate for the
occasion: the basement of Willamette
University’s School of Computing and
Information Sciences.
“We’re cautiously hopeful,” said
a representative for the Oregonian
facilitators. “If they can decide what to
do with Fresno, I think this whole thing
will fall into place.” LAST MINUTE VISUAL COURTESY OF EMMA FORD
EMMA FORD, WE USE HER A LOTBy KAI MERMIS-CAVA
Date: 8/30/23
Time: 15:04
Offense(s): Car Break-In
Location: Griswold Parking Lot
Description: Against all odds, an
unnamed individual managed to
break into several cars, despite the
sweltering heat making their thighs
adhere the seats. Was it worth it?
Did they pass out? When asked for
comment, the perpetrator stated that
they were “simply trying to bring just a
little bit of the spirit of San Francisco
to campus for all those homesick Bay
Area students.”
Date: 9/11/23
Time: 00:01
Offense(s): Unauthorized Use of
Speakers
Location: Watzek Library
Description: A freshman
played country music over a
speaker in Watzek Library
on a Monday night.
Campus Safety was
shortly called to come
rescue the freshman
from the wrath of
upperclassmen who
were somehow already
studying for tests
despite only being a
week into the semester.
The student escaped (relatively)
unscathed, though Seaman’s Scoop
sources report the student is now
being treated for moderate PTSD.
Date: 10/24/23
Time: 14:58
Offense(s): Smoking Policy Violation
Location: C Wing, Copeland Hall
Description: A trio of unknown
students were reported smoking in
a Copeland laundry room. Multiple
students complained of their clothing
smelling of weed, and according to
witness testimony the room had been
filled entirely with smoke.
Date: 10/24/23
Time: 15:02
Offense(s): Assault via Air Freshener
Location: C Wing, Copeland Hall
Description: An anonymous student
hunted down a trio of individuals
(suspected to be the same individuals
who were reported for hotboxing
the laundry room) and proceeded to
spray them with half a bottle of air freshener. Two of the students are
recovering in hospital from acute
Febreze toxicity, while the fate of
the third is unknown. The student
at fault was quoted as saying, “They
fucked around with my laundry and
found out.”
Date: 11/23/23
Time: 23:11
Offense(s): Use of Cellphone in Theatre
Location: Fir Acres Theatre
Description: A student answered a
phone call in the theater on opening
night of a Lewis & Clark production. The
actors and
theater
majors claimed their
revenge for the disrespectful act. Upon
their arrival, Campus Safety decided it
was in their best interests, as well as
the best interests of the rest of campus,
to let the theater majors do as they
pleased. Any resulting disappearances
should not be questioned. (Really. Do
not ask the actors what they did. You do
not want to know, and we do not want to
write an article on your disappearance.
Please do not make us).
Date: 12/2/23
Time: 09:21
Offense(s): Attempted Arson
Location: Ravine (Under Bridge)
Description: Two unnamed people
attempted to start a forest fire. Campus
Safety claims that this act was a
mistake made while smoking, however
Seaman’s Scoop sources claim that the
students performed a purposeful act of
vengeance to rebel against LC’s strange
midterm schedule.
Date: 1/4/24
Time: 18:30
Offense(s): Attempted Vehicular
Manslaughter
Location: Fowler Student CenterDescription: A student was hit by the
Pio Express as it returned from its
regular Fred Meyer run. The student
appeared to be heavily injured and
screamed incessantly until Campus
Safety arrived. The incident was
promptly logged and an investigation
was opened.
Date: 1/5/24
Time: 10:53
Offense(s): Insurance Fraud
Location: Fowler Student Center
Description: In the course of the
aforementioned investigation, dash
cam footage from the Pio revealed that
the student who had claimed to be hit
by the bus had not actually been hit
at all. Footage obtained by The
Seaman’s Scoop (as well
as all the other recordings
taken by witnesses and
posted to the school
Yik Yak) show the
student throwing
themself onto the
ground in front of
an already stopped Pio.
The resulting “injuries”
were revealed to be
stage makeup. Upon
questioning, the student claimed they
were making a performance art piece
for their theatre class.
Date: 2/29/24
Time: 17:30
Offense(s): Under investigation
Location: Rose Garden
Description: Multiple sets of human
bones were discovered buried six feet
underneath the Rose Garden. The
caretakers deny all allegations, despite
the previously wilted roses suddenly
flourishing after the several mysterious
disappearances. The administration has
yet to release a statement on the matter.
Date: 3/14/24
Time: 23:13
Offense(s): Theft
Location: Holmes Hall
Description: A student reported an
unknown assailant breaking into their
dorm room, and instead of taking
anything of value (such as laptops or
the stash of THC every LC student
undoubtedly has), the intruder
allegedly stole the student’s diary. At
this time, the editors of The Seaman’s
Scoop would like to deny any and all
accusations. We will not be taking
questions at this time.
MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2024
NEWS 2
By KEVIN M. BASS
TODD LOCHNER , Associate
Professor of Government at
Lewis & Clark College, was found
dead in his J.R. Howard Hall office
Tuesday with an angora goat beside him.
Preliminary investigations suggest
that Lochner and the goat, “Buttercup”
according to the tag on its collar, had
engaged in a sexual relationship,
causing the faculty member to die of
an apparent heart attack brought on
by both the strenuous activity and his
rapidly-advancing age.
This was not Lochner’s first brush
with interspecies sex, as reported by
the (then-named) Pioneer Log in April
2008, with the alleged incident involving
a sheep. The animal’s representatives
could not be reached for comment.
The reactions from Lochner’s
colleagues in the Political Science
department were mixed.
“Huh,” responded Professor Ellen
Seljan, Lochner’s frequent co-author.
“We’re writing a paper on the relationship
between small individual campaign
donations and political partisanship, so
Todd’s death comes at a bad time. Still,
he never really contributed that much to
our co-authored work to be honest, so I
can probably just get a TA to write Todd’s
section. Probably be better, anyway.”Fellow Professor Ben Gaskins’s
response was more succinct: “Who?
Oh — him. Yeah, I could see that.”
Professor John Holzwarth also
reacted to Lochner’s bestiality and
(somewhat) untimely demise, saying,
“This event raises important and timely
questions about how we as individuals
structure moral choices, and how those
choices interrelate with contextual
cultural norms.”
Attempts by the reporter interviewing
Holzwarth to cut short his monologue
were ignored at this point.
“Certainly the nature of sexuality
and privacy interests are implicated,”
continued Holzwarth. “As are basic
norms of animal autonomy and ethics.
Some would say that a consequentialist
utilitarian perspective is the best
lens through which to interrogate
these competing claims, but I think
deontological ethics, as typified by Kant,
in conversation with Hegelian principles
of course, allows one to properly
situate-” at which time the reporter got
up and walked out of the room.
Buttercup, who was found munching
happily (one would hope) on ungraded
midterms, was returned to her mohair
ranch on Thursday.
Lochner’s desire to be burned on a
Viking funeral pyre in the Zehntbauer
Swimming Pavilion, as stated in his last will and testament, was denied by the
College. However, a few of his former
students from Copeland offered to
throw some bong ashes on his corpse.
At press time, the Political Science
department’s request for an adjunct
professor to fill in for Lochner was
promptly denied by the Dean’s Office,
citing concerns about the 2024-25 fiscal
year budget.
Lochner’s humor will be missed by students.COURTESY OF TODD LOCHNER’S ESTATE
Student organization
sees dramatic turnover
By NELL AXEN
LEWIS & Clark’s Hurt Reducement
Club, known for their promotion of
safe substance use and distribution
of educational materials to students,
held their monthly all-club meeting on
Thursday afternoon. The raucous event
full of completely sober individuals saw
many take up the microphone to deliver
resounding addresses to the group.
From endorsements of various teaching
methods to debate over the most effective
ways to ensure students remain safe in
their debauchery and hedonism, the topics
covered were broad and eye opening.
One speaker gave an impassioned
plea to all Copeland residents to stop
leaving needles in the C wing bathroom,
while another spoke more philosophically
on why Copeland residents deserve to live
in the mess they collectively make.
Arguments and debates carried on
late into the evening, at which point club
president Finn Tynal ’26 took the stage.
Tynal began their address by thanking the
members for all their hard work.
“Thanks to your efforts, LC is on
track to hit number one for HIGHer
educational institutions safely consuming
controlled substances!” said Tynal.
Tynal also expressed their
excitement about the club’s upcoming
initiatives, including a safe injection site in Howard 102, training RAs in
multiple trip-sitting techniques and
petitioning ASB to replace the SEE fair
with an on-campus drug market which
will feature locally sourced, tested drugs
from woman-owned drug cartels.
Towards the end of their remarks,
however, Tynal made a statement that
shocked the room.
“I’m so proud of all the work we have
done reducing the harm drugs do to our
bodies,” they said.
While such a statement sounds
innocuous enough on its face, Tynal
had made a fatal error. While praising
the work done by the club, they had
committed the unforgivable sin of
admitting that drugs are not, in fact,
good for us.
Immediately, two masked men
emerged from the shadows, grabbing
Tynal by the arms. With a stunned
expression on their face, Tynal
demanded to know what was happening,
but it was already too late. Dragged
screaming from the room, the stunned
silence of the onlookers was shattered
by a single gunshot emanating from the
back of the building.
The two men returned, one holding a
smoking handgun. After a hasty election,
Cole Caine ’25 was elected the new
president. Neither Tynal nor the masked
individuals have been seen since.
Undercover Bay Area
imposter faces scrutiny
By TOR PARSONS
OUR FAIR college campus is abuzz.
The best college in California’s
northernmost protectorate has
experienced its fair share of viral rumors
before, but none have taken campus by
storm quite like this one.
Last week, an anonymous user on F
(the platform formerly known as Twitter)
dropped a bombshell. The user went by
the name Vim Vievel, and their bio noted
“It’s pronounced like ‘whim wee-zhul.’”
Their identity remains a mystery.
“I have access to the LC student
records, and here’s the most interesting
thing I found,” the tweet read. “Turns out,
there’s a student here who isn’t from the
Bay Area.”
President Sparrow Houses-Gilbert
says of Vievel, “I have absolutely no idea
who that could be, nor how he got a hold
of our student records.”
The president’s accidental implication
of truth aside, LC has been consumed
by gossip ever since: Who is the student
not from the Bay Area?
Initially, it was expected that there
was an obvious answer: the Bosnians, of
course. However, a shocking discovery
was soon made: all the so-called
“international students” on campus are
also, in fact, from the Bay Area. This was
discovered when The Seaman Scoop
investigated, asking them all what fog,
traffic, crime, homelessness and liberals
were. Every single one of them correctly
defined each word, proving that they
are from the Bay Area, since everybody
knows no other place on Earth has any
of those things.
“You don’t get a discount or special
privileges or anything for being an
international student,” explained Vesna
Vulović ’26. “It’s just something we do
kinda as a running joke. It started a
long time before I arrived here. There
was a group of friends on campus who
thought one day, ‘Well, we’re all from
the Bay Area, we all listen to Phoebe
Bridgers — how do we differentiate
ourselves from the crowd?’”
She paused, taking a drag on her
hand-rolled cigarette.
“Pretty soon they discovered they
could all do pretty convincing Eastern
European accents,” continued Vulović
(Milpitas). “So they began talking like
that all the time just for fun. And when
someone asked where they were from,
they all drew a blank and one of them
yelled out ‘Bosnia.’ Turns out it’s a real
place. Ever since then, they induct a few new students every year to be ‘The
Bosnians.’ It’s actually the closest thing to
Greek life we have at LC. You know, same
part of Europe.”
Some people have heard alternative
explanations involving scholarships, but
none have proved convincing.
But this meant we were no closer
to finding the non-Bay Arean student.
Suspicion rapidly turned to Tommy
Tellerico ’25 when his fellow members
of the Not Necessarily Gay But Not
Necessarily Not Gay Student Union
(NNGBNNNGSU) noticed him saying
some bizarre things, such as “I hope
my house doesn’t get destroyed by an
earthquake” and “I’m so sad the Raiders
moved to Vegas.” He allegedly also
referred to I-5 as “the five.” The Seaman’s
Scoop was about to expose Tellerico as a
fake Bay Arean when he called our offices
to set the record straight.
“Some friends of mine put me up
to it,” Tellerico (Berkeley) said. “I’d go
around saying stuff that makes me sound
like I’m trying to blend in and I’m not
really from the Bay Area, and I’d see how
long it would take me to get found out.”
His Bay Area credentials were proven
when he was asked unprompted to name
something that sucks, and he correctly
replied “PG&E.”
By this point, the rumors were getting
weirder. Addison Maddison ’24 (Tiburon)
claimed that someone on their spring
break College Outdoors trip last year had
said they were from the East Coast, before
quickly correcting themself, saying they
were from the East Bay.
“It was surreal,” Maddison said. “I’ve
never met anyone from the East Coast
before. I don’t know what they look like.”
At long last, computer science major
Bugs “Alex” Buggsy ’25 (Sunnyvale)
hacked the student records and published
them on Yik Yak, solving the mystery:
Giuseppe Sluds ’27 is from Sacramento.
“What are you talking about?” Sluds
said when reached for comment.
“Sacramento totally counts!”
Todd Lochner fucks goat,
found dead in JR Howard
BEAUTIFULLY DRAWN BY ROSE BIALKAnnual Campus Crime Bulletin:
student wrongs retroactively revealed
DREAMED UP BY
THE DREAMY
ANDREW OLMSTEDAre you able to laugh at yourself?
You may not want to. Good! Treat
yourself the way you want to be
treated. We would never ask you not
to. That is not the point of this letter.
Rather, it is to ask, if you do not laugh
at yourself, why not?
Perhaps you think laughing at
yourself is hurtful. Fair enough — the
line between being laughed “at” and
“with” can be razor-thin. Maybe you
believe that laughing at yourself is
a sign of disrespect, that making a
joke out of yourself denigrates you
and your story. Also fair — in The
Backdoor, we can often be irreverent
and mocking to a point some may
take as disrespect. We think about
that line often.
Our approach to comedy, which we
aim to pass along to our contributors,
comes from an old adage about
humor writing; to laugh at something
is to take it seriously enough to
understand why it was funny in the
first place. Humor, when not tied
up by overly deferential niceties, is
a great equalizer. To create comedy,
especially “smart” comedy, on hard
subjects is to give them all real weight
and due consideration.
We are not without sensitivity
nor sympathy. We cannot force our
audience to laugh with us, and when we overstep, we are not immune to
your criticism. Simply know
that our jokes do not
come from a place of
intended disrespect,
but quite the opposite.
We consider it our jobs
to give hard topics the
effort, and respect,
of seeing all
sides of them,
including the
humorous
ones. To
not take
something
seriously
requires a
great deal of
first having
taken it very
seriously.
But maybe that is not why
you choose not to joke. The most
common response we hear when
someone tells us why they do not
participate in The Backdoor is they
think they are not funny enough.
Here is the biggest and worst-kept
secret of this section: No one thinks they
are funny enough to be here — certainly
not us comedy writers.
After all, what is harder than
smart comedy? Or comedy at all? We have no idea, and we have collectively
been at this comedy thing for quite
a while. Let us say a lot about
laughter, but never that causing
it is easy.
And yet in the face
of all this doubt, we
tell our writers:
You absolutely
can be funny.
Everyone
has the
capacity to
be funny.
To flex that
muscle, and
work on
that skill, is
unabashedly
positive.
Humor is a
unique and
deeply personal
force — you too
have the ability to produce the
things that make you laugh.
Laughing at yourself is a force that
cannot be overstated in its power.
Our capacity for self effacement
and self awareness is a gift, not
an ill. Do not allow your concerns
over respectability or lack of skill to
keep you from the opportunity for
insight that is to take a pie in the face. Comedy at its best allows us to
simply react to something, rather than
forcing ourselves to react to ourselves
reacting to something. For a moment,
in every smile, our genuine self takes
over when we quietly think “yeah, that
was pretty funny.”
All the work we do here is a labor
of love. We do this job to bring to the
community something we think we
can give it. Especially with our work
on this special issue, a revival of the
April Fool’s edition of the then-Pioneer
Log. We do this, and hope to continue
to do this, because it is our way to give
something back to the community. In
producing this edition of our paper, we
aim to bring some levity into the day to
day life of being a student.
Our attempts to see the Lewis & Clark
community laugh at themselves are born
out of love. We can make ourselves better
by laughing at ourselves, and we hope
you can put aside your reservations and
join us. You may actually be pleasantly
surprised with what you find.
Signed,
Emma Ford, Backdoor Editor
Will Trunzo, Sports Editor
Maya Mazor-Hoofien, Copy Chief
Rosalie Zuckermann, Managing Editor
Amelia Doyle, Editor in ChiefMONDAY, APRIL 1, 2024
OPINION 3
The opinions expressed within this section are the views of the authors. Or are they? Are they genuine hopes? Are they simply the most ridiculous articles we could print? You decide!By WILL TRUNZO
IT HAS BEEN well understood for
much of human history that one’s
virtue and capability are inextricably
linked to their wealth. It is widely
accepted and, quite frankly, obvious
that those of us with greater financial
resources must be simply superior to
those plebeians that need “jobs” and to
go to “work.”
In his “Reflections on the Revolution
in France,” Edmond Burke clearly
articulates this link, arguing that
possession of aristocratic wealth allows
the individual to be raised with greater
focus on improvement of character
and wisdom. In today’s society, with
our modern answers to aristocracy
in tech and investment banking, the
implications are clear.
With the link between management
careers and graduate school education
growing stronger than ever, we must
ensure that those joining the ranks of
societal leadership are the very best
among us. As such, it is high time for
admissions committees across the
country to change the way they view
graduate school applicants.How, then, do we make this change?
The only feasible way to ensure access
to the elite of society is to require W2
forms, or even better, trust paperwork
indicating the total assets held by an
individual. This policy would ensure
that no average ruffian would possibly
slip by through the wrought iron gates
of collegiate wealth.
As a whole, it should be clear
to anyone who gives more than a
cursory thought to this that this
is a necessary step in ensuring the
furtherance of our society. If
you could not afford to
have spent your summers
in the Maldives, you
clearly are inadequate to
receive higher education.
Minimum wage-ing it at your
hometown’s Dairy Queen
is unbecoming a student
of such institutions.
Many in recent years
have argued for policies
such as student debt forgiveness.
Proponents of such strategies argue that
lowering the cost of higher education
allows greater accessibility to those less
fortunate. They fail to understand that this is exactly the problem. To argue
for something as ridiculous as loan
forgiveness, or God forbid free college,
is to turn your back on centuries of
aristocratic wisdom and philosophy
which clearly shows the inherent link
between wealth and virtue.
Another aspect of wealth that
benefits those at such esteemed
institutions is propriety. The
well-endowed are clearly
more equipped to
conduct themselves
appropriately in
such environments.
As such, certain
aspects of graduate
education must be
adjusted to reflect this.
One such way to indicate
this distinction is through
attire, which many seem
to either disregard as an
afterthought, or view as some way to
“make a statement.” Utter nonsense.
In order to ensure decorum in an
educational environment, dress codes
must be implemented at all graduate
schools to indicate the inherent
superiority of those in attendance.To encourage better behavior, I
propose the following. Due to the grand
nature of such a position, students in
graduate programs should be required
to wear powdered wigs in order to
stand out from the lowly undergrads
that surround them, as well as classical
scholarly robes. For casual Fridays, to
show we still understand the people,
black tie may suffice. White tie must be
worn for any occasions of consequence
(exams, days when essays are due, etc.).
For warmth, alterations to the uniform
in the form of a waistcoat may be
permissible. This may require the extra
expense of hiring coat room attendants
for each classroom and lecture hall, but
such is a burden we must bear to protect
the sanctity of higher education.
The combined implementation of
these policies would not only ensure
that graduate education is limited
to those who deserve it, but their
supreme status would be evident for
all to see in their dress and decorum.
Without these policies, I fear for the
future of our society. I urge those of
us who are the right sort of people
to write to your senator to effect this
change as soon as possible.By CORRINA CHAN
IT HAS COME to my attention that
many of you nitwits have been
claiming that The Backdoor has
been completely satire — merely a
“joke,” if you will — the whole time.
As a part of the editorial staff myself,
I find this quite offensive. We would
never tell you lies about RAs chasing
people with axes, nor about the dating
horror stories of the Pios4Pios dating
app. The Backdoor has always told the
absolute truth, and let me explain to
you why you are absolutely crazy if you
think otherwise.
When you first pick up an issue,
what is the first thing you do? Why,
flip to Sports to see if there is a new
crossword, obviously. That is where
the good stuff is. So nearby must be similarly great content, right? Right.
It is on the most colorful page with
the giant “The Backdoor” right at the
top. I cannot stress this enough — this
is where you should get all your facts
from. Clearly, the page with the most
outrageous content is where we put our
hardest-hitting reporting.
I mean, obviously the Opinions
section is important too, but that
turned into lesbian erotica in Issue
2. The Arts section has such cool
visuals, but they gave up on Mossy
Music a semester ago, so is any of it
even relevant anymore? Features?
What even is a Features? They just
peddle softcore news and reviews of
restaurants you could never afford.
Wait, we have a News section?
That is a thing? What do you mean
they put it on the front page? It needs 3 WHOLE PAGES? Ridiculous. No,
clearly the most important part is
in the back with a single page and
cramped visuals. No one could
possibly be getting confused. It
should be evident to anyone that the
pages with semi-reasonable headlines
cannot be relevant to anything.
The Backdoor would never tell you
a lie, and it never has! For instance, see
recent coverage on Campus Living’s
Witch in Residence and the Most
Annoying Couple Award.
Campus resources are easily found
through The Backdoor. For example, your
RA will always come to help you with your
relationship problems. They love hearing
about the fact that you refuse to break up
with your absolutely terrible boyfriend!
The Backdoor is also great for a
peek into how The Seaman Scoop functions. How was our Editor-in-
Chief chosen for this semester? The
EIC Hunger Games, of course! This
very special event happens every year
(yup, we sacrifice about 10 students in
brutal hand-to-hand melee combat)
and gets so little love and support from
the community.
Every article, expertly crafted by
dedicated contributors (including yours
truly) is been carefully researched and
each interview done with real people,
just like those around you. How could
we, as writers of The Backdoor, ever lie
to you, when the little comic sans text
at the top says that this is all real and
verified information?
Oh, it says the content is all satire?
No, there is no way that is what it says.
Why would you think that? You must be
imagining things. Letter from the editors: take yourself
seriously by taking nothing seriouslyAlum dad
thinks you
are lame af
Higher education must adapt to changing world,
make way for the inherently superior studentsReal news found in rear: Avid readers can
find everything fit to print in The BackdoorDear LC Students,
The other day, a Dandy Warhols
song came on my playlist and I was
instantly transported back to my time at
Lewis & Clark College. I could smell the
sweaty, inebriated throngs of students
who crowded the (once sanctioned)
beer garden, dancing at Sunburn to the
Cherry-Poppin Daddies and the Supreme
Love Gods. I know Sunburn still exists
today, in some form, but sorry, ours was
just cooler. We were just cooler.
I am inspired to write this letter not just
as an alum. I am also the parent of a current
student, and am thoroughly disappointed
and uninspired by your shenanigans. My
child’s academic achievements are fine, I
guess, but I cannot help but wonder if she,
or any of her cohort, will have any decent
stories to pass down to the next generation.
Frankly, I never thought college life
at LC could be such a snoozefest.
LC in the ’90s was a wild frontier
full of tactile, low-fi and partially legal
adventures. The internet was still in its
infancy, and even if you did have some
concept of how to use it, there was so little
content that it was hardly worth the time
it took to dial up. Moreover, you had to be
hardwired to a desktop computer, usually
located in a depressing basement, in
order to use it. The web was not the deep,
dark, time-sapping ubiquity we all know
and love today.
We got out and did things on campus.
Finished studying for the night? How
about a trip down to the Plattform to hear
Elliot Smith or Pond? Need to grab your
paper off a dot matrix printer and run it to
Lower Campus, hoping the professor was
still in their office so you could hand it to
them? Why not take a shortcut through
the steam tunnels to get there faster?
Want to channel Real Genius? (Please,
someone, tell me you know Real Genius?)
Head over to your friend’s dorm and skate
the half-pipe they built in their quad, or
take your roommates’ potato cannon for
a spin.
Self-care and wellness were not
necessarily on our radar, nor was it a
priority of the school, given that they
sold off the use of our athletic facilities
to the Portland Trailblazers during
the NBA season. Then again, none of
us were too concerned. We did not
waste time whining about the Bon or
the Dovecotes’ lack of nut milk brand
variety, we just used back entrances to
help ourselves to 5 gallon buckets of ice
cream or the bulk cereal stores. Do none
of you have a master key to the facilities,
to grant unfettered access to all of the
large gathering spaces on campus to be
(mis)used for student parties?
Must I spell this all out for you?
After trying to shame you into living a
little, let me leave you with some wisdom.
A good barometer of whether or not you
are having a true college experience is
measured by the quality of the stories
you will be able to share with your kids.
The beauty of my college tenure was that,
unlike students at Reed who had to fear
the legal or permanently brain-altering
repercussions of their actions (seriously,
they made hard narcotics an art form),
our adventures became the foundation of
an oral tradition of storytelling we share
with our children.
Please,
Do not go quietly into that Copeland
double…
Peter Ford, Class of ’96
Ford studied abroad in Scotland circa 1995.COURTESY OF PETER FORD’S MASSIVE EARRING
EMMA FORD AGAINMONDAY, APRIL 1, 2024
FEATURES 4
Campus Classifieds:
Roommates requested
By ELLA DUNN
EDITOR’S NOTE: This article was
supposed to come out before
spring break, but we know you
have no interest in following our fantastic
advice anyways, so we just pushed it.
Deal with it.
As many of us prepare to travel
abroad and vacate our dorm rooms for
the coming Spring
Break, we should
keep in mind the
dangers of leaving
a room unoccupied
for a week; potential
infestations. Whether
you fear bugs, rats or excess bong
smoke wafting through your window
from your inconsiderate downstairs
neighbor, here are some methods to keep
your peace of mind while you are gone.
1. Bugs
If you have a phobia of spiders,
beetles or anything that has more than,
say, four legs and creeps and crawls,
I promise you, there are solutions.
Luckily, we can assume based on the
number of stinkbugs, both dead and
alive, that have accumulated in the
second-floor classrooms of Howard,
that most of the bugs on campus will
likely be spending their Spring Break
partying there. For any strays or left-
behinds that may find their way to your
room, leave behind a little something
sugary for them to munch on; they
will be too busy eating to burrow into
corners or climb onto ceilings where
they may surprise you upon your return. 2. Rats
Rats are a bit more difficult: they
are larger and somehow creepier. They
have those beady eyes that have
absolutely no thought behind
them. You rat-lovers had
better not come for
me, either, you have
to admit they can be
creepy. Anyways, if it is
rats you abhor, worry no longer. I
suggest going the classic
route, ye olde
mousetrap, the
wonderful wooden
contraption fitted with
a spring-loaded piece of sharp metal,
built to either suffocate or completely
cut through the neck of a curious critter.
It will be quick at least. How humane!
3. Bong Smoke
Bong smoke is the most difficult
infestation to ward off. If you want the
most sure solution, call and report the
next time you smell it to Campus Safety.
Unless, of course, they manage to bury
it in their underwear drawer before
CampPo gets there. But then again, maybe
that response is a bit dickish. I mean, why
can we not all support each other’s vices?
My best nonviolent, pacifist suggestion
is to close your window tightly before
you leave. And maybe grow up a little.
There you have it folks: three foolproof
ways of preventing nasty infestations from
taking over your dorm room while you
spend your spring break getting wasted
and laid, or if you are anything like me,
probably watching a lot of movies alone.
Stonher/they
Sup, my name is Xander and I
am looking for a roommate for fall
semester before I go abroad to New
Zealand this spring. I would describe
myself as not a slob but not really
minding a controlled clutter. My last
roommate was a total square who
thought “having a foursome on a
Wednesday night is hardly a good
enough reason to get kicked out at 11
p.m.,” which was seriously such an
asshole move. As long as you are not
that bad, we will get along just fine.
As an ENVS major I like to prioritize
personal research on the medicinal
effects of certain plants (if you are
picking up what I am putting down).
Some of my other hobbies are skating,
hackysack, drawing and running my
small… botanical business. I am also
learning how to do body piercings.
Last year I did appointments in
my room, so hopefully you will not
mind the customers lol. Hit me up if
you want something done. I need to
practice my Prince Albert piercings,
and apparently my herbal painkillers
were insufficient for the last guy.
BRooo shapiro
My name is Ryan, and I
am looking for a level-headed,
ambitious guy to live with next year.
I am a Poli Sci major with a Data
Science minor and I plan on going
into corporate law after attending
a tier-one law school. Total
slackers like my current roommate
need not apply — he covered the
room in anarchist propaganda
like Grateful Dead posters
and it reeked of cannabis. Ew.
Not only that, he was an ENVS
major, and would never shut the
fuck up about how I “shouldn’t
roll coal on my F350” and how
it was “killing the planet.” Idiot.
As a straight man and moderate
conservative at this school, I am
exhausted with being a minority and
having to explain my perspective in
every class. It can be satisfying to cut
through the leftist echo chamber on
campus, but I would love to have a
roommate that shares my values
and principles. Must bring own mini
fridge — I will not be sharing my
dedicated protein smoothie space.
U-Haul Lesbian
Hi, my name is McKayla, and I need
to find a roommate for next year. I am on
the softball team, which takes up most
of my time, but when not at practice I
can be found with my girlfriend of two
years. Because of my crazy schedule,
including waking up early for team lifts,
we decided not to live together, but she
will be staying with us so often it will be a
de facto triple (space notwithstanding).
My girlfriend and I are both psych
majors and will definitely be studying
late nights. I have a car on campus so
if you ever need to borrow it just let
me know! Look for the green Subaru
Outback. If you are not a Taylor Swift
fan, do not bother responding. I went
to the Eras Tour with my girlfriend
last summer and it was life-changing.
I need someone else who will theorize
with us about the meaning of each
and every outfit she wears, and
compare theories about Kissgate
and the Zoe Kravitz thing. Iykyk.
This is not satire, I genuinely
need a roommate
I, Lillian Small, am a sophomore
looking for a roommate for next
year. I am respectful, clean and
have no plans to spend much
time in the room besides sleeping.
I am a musician (but will play
outside the room if you prefer!),
love going outdoors, thrifting and
picking up new crafty hobbies.
I have been accused of being a
grandma, as I enjoy drinking tea,
going to bed early, knitting (maybe
I’ll make you a scarf) and taking
care of my friends — however I
also love a good old spontaneous
adventure or late night rager from
time to time. I wear ratty t-shirts,
worn out Doc Martens and listen
to Erykah Badu, boygenius and
Mistki. I like to lie in the grass and
ponder my inner thoughts just
like every single other bitch on
this campus. Hit me up. Seriously.
Avert dorm destruction
by heeding these tricksBy WILL TRUNZO
THE SEAMAN SCOOP has obtained
exclusive access through an
unnamed source to the upcoming
docket for the office of Student Rongs
and Reactivity. The dockets have been
compiled here to inform the Lewis &
Clark student body of what has been
occurring on campus. Unfortunately,
the dockets have redacted some student
names for “privacy” or something. We
have no idea, ask the general counsel.
Name: Ramsey Gordonson
Accusation: Found to have committed
grave culinary sins (set off Copeland
fire alarm)
Location: Copeland Hall
Reason for appeal: “I was WAY too high
to be expected to remember you have to
turn the oven OFF, too”
Name: Campo Jerry
Accusation: Running a black market for
drugs confiscated from students
Location: Under the ravine bridge
Reason for appeal: “I mean, they were
going to buy them anyway. You think
the school pays us enough to not
supplement our income?”
Name: Bill Clinton
Accusation: …you know
Location: Whitewater, Arkansas
Reason for appeal: “I would like to set
the record straight. I may have had
sexual relations with that woman.”
Name: Van DeLise
Accusation: Graffiting campus for reasons
other than Indigenous Peoples Day
Location: Watzek Library
Reason for appeal: “Were we not allowed
to do that? I thought that was just what
we did here. This school makes literally
no sense.”Name: Ari Stocrat
Accusation: Dumping bong water on
unsuspecting passers by
Location: West on-campus apartments
Reason for appeal: “It is a right
endowed upon me by God to dispose of
my waste such as I see fit. The plebeian
underclassmen simply must accept that
this is the way of things.”
Name: Mara Staab
Accusation: Chasing down residents with
an ax
Location: Hartzfeld Hall
Reason for appeal: “I am pleading
temporary insanity. I had been stuck in
my room for a week. The ice showed no
signs of melting. All hope had been lost!”
Name: Sparrow Houses-Gilbert
Accusation: Authorizing drone strikes
with funds from LC endowment
Location: Aleppo, Syria
Reason for appeal: “To ensure ongoing
peace and stability in the region, LC
forces conducted targeted strikes on
Saturday morning against multiple
individuals who posed a direct threat
to our partner forces.”
Name: [redacted]
Accusation: Flooding the showers
after mistaking them for bathtubs.
(Seriously, what? That lip on those
showers is like 4 inches, maximum)
Location: Copeland Hall A wing
bathroom showers
Reason for appeal: “Bro, I was literally
in a K hole, what did you expect?”
Name: Autumn Raine
Accusation: Saying that nobody would
recognize their Spotify Wrapped. Their
top artists were, in order, Mitski, girl in
red, boygenius, Clairo and for some god
forsaken reason Tame Impala.
Location: The BonReason for appeal: “Are you kidding
me? These are niche artists with
very specific followings. How could I
possibly have known that any other LC
student would know them?”
Name: [redacted]
Accusation: Parking in law student
only parking spaces despite being very
much an undergrad.
Location: Upper Griswold parking lot
Reason for appeal: “I’m the president
of the pre-law club! That is basically the
same thing!”
Name: Matt Ravens
Accusation: Running the Fir Acres
scene shop with slave labor
Location: Fir Acres Theater
Reason for appeal: “What do you mean
slave labor? It’s a two credit class and all
we ask is forty hours a week!”
Name: [redacted]
Accusation: Starting a class discussion
with the phrase “I feel like”
Location: J.R. Howard 124
Reason for appeal: “I don’t know, I just
feel like, you know, it’s not even that deep.
I feel like it could really go either way
though to be, like, fair. Like, sometimes
it’s just like that? I don’t know.”
Name: Wayne Gretzky
Accusation: Assault and battery
stemming from an incident during the
ice storm
Location: Reflecting pool
Reason for appeal: “What are you gonna
do about it?”
Name: Richard Little
Accusation: Finger fucking the laundry
sheet dispenser.
Location: Third floor Fowler
Reason for appeal: “It was LITERALLY
asking for it.”
By LILLIAN SMALLSRR docket leaked, illicit
accusations rouse mayhem
By ANDREW OLMSTED
MY FAVORITE section of The
Seaman Scoop has always been
The Backdoor, so naturally I
started dating its editor. I cannot truly say
just how proud I am, and my relentless
mention of her to all my friends must be
getting old by now. And being honest with
myself, The Mossy Log is on her mind
more than I am. So, time to mix it up!
The people need to know that there are
downsides to dating a newspaper editor.
At first, I was happy with just reading
a single page of the paper like every other
LC bitch. Then I found myself actually
flipping the pages?? All of a sudden,
I had submitted doodles, and now an
article? I fear I may be in too deep.
My lovely and deeply Christian
mother now reads the paper because I
am involved in it, and they print things
that are frankly inappropriate for her
eyes. Premarital sex is a sin, and weed?
Do not even get me started.
I am not the only one she has roped
into this mess — all her friends are on the
paper too! And they all became editors!
When we hang out, they all gossip and
I can barely keep up. What the fuck is a
pica, and why does my girlfriend fear it?
Why are you laying out anything other
than me over a table?
In arguments, she uses words that
make me feel like a Bio major … which
I am! Her pedantic ass has started
rubbing off on me. She actually finds
joy in editing papers, which was helpful
at first, but then she started taking
screenshots of my texts to brainstorm
with her friends and “get back to me with
edits on that one”, by which she means
grammar corrections. She also tells me
that my use of the Oxford comma while
sexting turns her off. Excuse me for
wanting clarity when listing body parts!
Technology is a constant problem in
our intimacy. The constant notifications
from Slack at 2 a.m. make me think
she has a distant lover in Europe. She once interrupted sex to scan an overdue
visual onto Trello (now that I recall, this
has happened multiple times. Oh God,
what if that is a code for sending things
to her lover?!)
She spends every other Wednesday
suffering at layout, and I was banned
from showing up because she needs
to be “focused” and “professional.”
Consequently, she has no energy on
Thursdays. Two days of the week down
the drain!
Any time anyone mentions the
paper I cannot help but brag about her,
and I am sure I sound like a goose.But this does not quite cut both
ways. Every time I mention something
I like about LC (which is a rarity for all
Pios), she mentions how her dad worked
at the paper. And the radio station. We
get it, college in the ’90s was cooler!
I could tell you all the upsides, like
how she is one of the most passionate
and caring people I know. But nobody
wants to read an article about sappy
remarks, and many of the other upsides
I can think of are not fit to print — her
parents read the paper (Hi Mr. and Mrs.
Ford, thanks for letting me stay at your
house in May, say hi to Franklin for me!)Downsides of dating an editor: LC’s
hottest unveiled in authentic exposé
ROSE BIALK
COURTESY OF A VERY SLEEPY COUPLE
Ford and Olmsted, pictured above, are known for being particularly cuddly in public.MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2024
FEATURES 5
Staff Bios
I am too tired to write anything else.
Venmo @Emma-Ford-38 to buy me
a Redbull, or maybe some other kind
of drink ;).EMMA FORD
This girl journalist extraordinaire
is back, bigtime. Happy April Fools,
pervs. Venmo @Emma-Ford-38 so
she can buy me a drink.MAYA MAZOR-HOOFIEN
The perpetually overworked Rosalie
is in too much demand to write her
own bio, so we thought we would
take the time to tell you all she is too
good for you, and possibly this world.
Literal goddess.ROSALIE ZUCKERMANN
A sports editor and contributor
extraordinaire, Will has made
innumerable contributions to The
Mossy Log in his time working here.
Actually, the contributions are quite
numerable, and mainly consist of
speaking ‘athlete’ and yelling at all
of the football players he sees to
pick up a copy of the paper.WILL TRUNZO
Ella Dunn, young hopeful from San
Diego, CA, is pursuing her super
serious career in journalism with
the Mossy Log’s Backdoor column.
Writing fanfics and spinning tales is
her true passion, and she hopes you
enjoy her contributions to this issue.ELLA DUNN
Corrina is a psychology major who
loves writing stories and messing with
people’s minds. Literally! Why else
would she take a neuroscience class if
not to poke around with your squishy
little noggin! She loves it! For legal
and ethical reasons, this is not a real
brain (It totally is).CORINNA CHAN
This contributor did not seem to
understand what we meant when we
requested a “bio”, asking “what do
you mean — like my major?” before
saying something unintelligible about
adenosine triphosphate and climbing
up the side of Evans Auditorium like
fucking Spiderman.ANDREW OLMSTED
Olivia is an amateur swan wrangler
hailing from Provo, Utah. Raised as
a Mormon fundamentalist, Olivia is
adjusting to the realities of Portland
life by Googling terms like “Zyn”
and “biphobic.” She identifies as
heteroflexible and is always DTF.OLIVIA FENDRICH
Jessie is a double major in Political
Science and Music from Del Mar, CA.
She is a staff writer for the Mossy
Log, primarily writing Opinion and
Backdoor articles. While she enjoys
writing for the Mossy Log, research
papers drive her crazy.JESSIE SHAW
Noah goes to some art school but is
VERY excited to be here. He is majoring
in Buttons, but do not bring it up — his
midterm was lackluster at best and now
he is considering switching to Zippers.
He has more than a few special favorite
stuffed animals. He might bite your
finger if you offer him food, but he does
not mean to! He is just excited! Also,
he pisses on the floor when he sees his
mom. This guy might be a dog.NOAH BOYARSKY
Completely new to Portland, Oregon,
Kai has not declared their major, and is
just about as indecisive with everything
else. Good luck getting a straight answer
out of them. If you see them around
campus without a hair bow, no you
didn’t. They hope you enjoy this issue of
the Mossy Log!KAI MERMIS-CAVA
Lillian is a sports editor for The
Mossy Log, despite having an
impressive amount of apathy for all
things athletics. She can be found
wandering in the cemetery, or lurking
in the basement of Evans as a music
minor gremlin. You will never see
her without a tote bag and a Nalgene
covered in crunchy-granola stickers
in desperate need of cleaning-- it is
emotional support, ok. As an older
sister and inheriting the overbearing
Jewish mother gene, she will insist on
making matzo ball soup for you at the
utterance of a cough.LILLIAN SMALL
Fiona is a Mossy Log staff writer and
serial hater of her own last name.
Born and raised in Scottsdale AZ, she
is less inclined towards Peet’s Coffee
and gorpcore than Dutch Bros and
Lululemon, making her a strange
specimen at LC. She is a serial yapper,
and recommends that nobody should
mention political theory around her
if they enjoy having ears. Drop into
any Political Science course to hear
the weird sound of an “Uhm, actually”
coming from a valley girl accent.FIONA EILERS
Hello readers! My name is Eli! I am a
recent contributor to The Mossy Log.
On the streets they call me “Lil Eli” --
just kidding, in reality no one has ever
called me that. If you need to contact me,
just clap eight times, do a somersault,
say “omg yay,” spin around twice, do
a backflip (or frontflip) and sing Miley
Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball” in reverse. My
Social Security Number is 967-56-8008.
Happy identity frauding!ELI KESSLER
Tor is a cool, fun, popular and well-
adjusted student. There are unfounded
and baseless rumors that a photo exists
online depicting Parsons. This is not true.
Nobody has ever seen these photos, and
if you do see them, they are definitely
either Photoshopped, AI-generated or
an AI-generated image that has then
also been Photoshopped. Parsons has,
however, had sexual relations with that
woman, if you catch the drift.TOR PARSONS
Special thanks to Erin Seaver,
Olivia Larios, Rose Bialk and
especially Amelia Doyle, who we
love but do not have bios for.
“RED”
“MISS CONGENIALITY”“ANGEL FACE”“MEATBALL”
HERE AT THE Seaman Scoop,
we too often wonder; whatever
happens to those who leave
this wonderland of Lewis & Clark?
We do too! We agonize over their
fates, looking out over the roof of
Akin like widows waiting for our
beloved husbands to return from war,
clutching damp handkerchiefs.
To assuage this ache, we decided
to reach out to a few via medium.
When that did not work, we tried
Instagram DM’s. That did, and we have
some news from the land Out-Of-LC,
that mystical place so few of us will
ever know.
Noah Reese-Clauson ’25, transfer
Since leaving Lewis & Clark I have
fallen off. Not just as a person, but off
the face of the world. As every good Pio
knows, the globe ends at the bottom
of Palatine Hill. Why else would “bus
stop” be synonymous with “smoke
spot?” I seem to have landed back in
Chicago, the good-old, wholesome
Midwest (a name that, with a space,
would better describe Portland).
Despite its mid-ness, I will confess
that there are elements of LC I miss:
you wonderful people and the land
both as voluptuous as my backside
and as green as Will Trunzo’s sports
editing included, but Chicago is the
place for me. Otherwise, I would never
have had the opportunity to hone my
pigeon impression. DM me to hear it
@_nrc___ on Insta.
Frankie Spurbeck ’23
Hi everyone! Frankie here! I work
at PSU’s Homelessness Research and Action Collaborative now, and it is
g-g-great! All my coworkers are 45, but
also communists and/or hippies, so it
is not a big deal. Sometimes they feed
me their leftovers– kind of like a cute
office pet! And my highly-marketable
data science minor prepared me
perfectly for a job that is mostly dplyr
(if you know, you know) and listening
to public radio (I am turning into my
father). And I have so much free time!
(I am crushingly lonely). I have been
getting back into podcasts, and doing
some theater at PSU, and I vacuum
on the weekends! Yes, those were the
hobbies I had during my depressive
episode in 2018, but I do not see how
that could be relevant. So stay strong,
future alumni! If you study hard and
network nonstop, maybe you too
could get a job that allows you to
buy a functional vacuum, which was
a high I rode for days. Man, I really
miss my mom.
Venus Edlin ’23
Personally, I did not plan on
graduating during a “recession” or
whatever you would like to call the
current shitshow that is the economy.
You may be wondering what the great
former editor-in-chief is up to in spite
of that.
Like everyone else, I have decided
of my complete free will to work a
job that I hate. I have worked there
for five months and have already
received two promotions; I wish
this was a joke. I am contractually
obligated not to speak to the media
about my position so I will keep this as
specific yet vague as possible for legal reasons. My editor-in-chief skills are
at least useful for this. Nothing says
desperation more than a journalist
accepting a job offer on the condition
of not speaking to the media and not
reporting on elections due to being on
the “non-political” side of a nonprofit
firewall during an election year.
Speaking on nonprofits, working
at The Mossy Log did also prepare
me for a job where I am overworked
and underpaid. Going to the fine
institution of Lewis & Clark means
that a nonprofit salary does not
cover my cost of living and student
loans, so yes I have other jobs. I am
a fantastic representation for the
walking contradiction that is the
workaholic Marxist.
I am not going to talk about my
other jobs because those I actually
enjoy and we all know The Backdoor
is for commiserating. Instead, know
that college is damn great and start
looking for post grad plans sooner
than you think.
Leo Bernstein Newman ’23
We attempted to reach Bernstein
Newman via his social media. Intitial
contact was successful, and our subject
asked if we could share his post-grad
life as consisting of “association with
the Jewish mafia and selling fentanyl“
(not a direct quote). However, even
after our enthusiastic agreement.
the missives went dark. Subsequent
attempts to restablish contact fell on
seemingly deaf ears. We will miss his
potential contribution greatly and
hope to hear back from him soon, if
only to stop us from worrying.Stories from beyond: how life goes
on off LC’s green, gorgeous grounds
HASTILY DRAWN BY EMMA FORD. THEY CANNOT ALL BE WINNERS.Autocorrect Workshop
Come join the Free Palatine Awareness
Society to learn about the dangers
poorly-utilized autocorrect can pose to YOUR
civic action group!
Recieve peer-to-peer advice on all your zine,
flyer and Insta story copy editing to make
sure your World Hunger movement does not
become known as the Word Huggers.
Friday April 5th @ 5:30 p.m. in Tamarack’s
Student Engagement Office
Free snacks!
Important correction - previous versions of this flyer said Palestine. We
are terribly embarrassed this happened again. Our bad. Wrong groupBy ROSALIE ZUCKERMANN
SO YOU READ the headline
and decided that this article
is for you. Good choice. By
the end of it, you will have gained
1) a vastly increased and improved
masturbation repertoire, 2) the urge
to jack off immediately after reading,
if not sooner, 3) an appreciation of
the marvels of modern technology
and/or 4) a huge crush on the boldly
candid and enchantingly sexy
journalist writing this article.
In the past three years of
college spent rooming with the
awe-inspiringly sex-positive
Irene Hilman ’25, I have
grown from a self-conscious
gal harboring your average
amount of teenage sexual shame
(pleasure? I hardly know her! No,
really, an introduction would be
greatly appreciated) to a confident
woman fully embracing my
sexuality (with a healthy dollop
of sluttiness).
Hilman is an ambassador
for the ethical porn and sex toy
company Bellesa, founded by
and created for women and AFAB
people, and damn is she good
at her job. The vibrators I review
below are all made by Bellesa, found
on bboutique.co, and can be purchased
using Hilman’s 30% discount code
BBNOTAJOKE. (Ok seriously, this
might be a shameless plug, butt this
is absolutely not a joke; she gets
commission and you get some frugal
orgasms, win-win.)
A few disclaimers: this is clit/vagina
centric. I apologize for my lack of
bodily inclusivity, however this is the
area that I am most, er, personally
acquainted with. Maybe next April
Fool’s I’ll dish out some dick tricks, as
my blowjobs are almost as good as my
chocolate chip cookies. Jazz Hands
You can never go wrong with
doing it classic. Gettin’ handsy
with the pantsy. Playing the
acoustic guitar, using the
analog clock, finger-b — okay
fine I can stop. Point being,
one’s own dexterous digits
are a gift not to be taken for
granted. It can be difficult to
hit multiple orgasms due to
overstimulation (why must
fingers contain bones? So
hard!) and wrist fatigue
(everyone recommends
kegels but what about
my arm?) Nonetheless
this is an excellent way
to connect with your body
and feel most in control of
your pleasure. Machines can be
unpredictable! Sometimes it is best
to leave the matter in your own
hands ;)
The Demi Wand
This dainty little toy is a perfect
vibe for those first venturing into
the land of mechanized orgasms.
It was my first real vibrator (shitty,
battery-powered bullet vibes fail
to count!), and the first
vibrator to get me to
the finish line. Its soft
silicone material treats
you with care (unlike
your situationship) and
the flexibility of the wand’s
neck allows for a huge range
of motion to get different
angles. The flat bottom of the
tip gets the pressure just right on
all the spots, letting you ease up to
your climax without maxing out.
The Thump
I present to you the Swiss army
knife of vibrators. Thump is proof that
big orgasms come in small packages (see, that four-incher really CAN do
the trick!). Its innovative design
combines three features: classic
vibration, scintillating suction
and the titular thumping,
oh my! It is truly a feat of
architectural genius: The
thumping extension on
the outside allows for a
convenient pop-socket-like
grip when using the suction on
the other side; the curvature of the
vibrating tip follows the arc of
one’s crotch to geometric bliss.
Have not a whiff of concern
for overstimulation because
as soon as you tire of one
sensation, you can switch
to a wealth of brand new
feelings sure to revive
the bean. This little sucker is
my personal favorite and the
culprit of my first multiple
orgasms — who knew you
could just keep going?! The
Thump did. The Thump
knows all.
The Diskreet Thrust
Is all this clit action
making you ready to
get positively railed so
hard you — uh, I mean,
ready to experiment with
connecting to your body
with penetration? Getting
into dildos, and getting
them into you, can be
scary (so many shapes
and colors! What is
that glittery green
penis doing in the
sex shop window? And the
tentacle?!) but there is a better
way. The Diskreet Thrust is
a fantastic way to ramp up
to more intimidating vibes
while having a hell of a lot of
fun along the way. This smaller and adorably lavender vibe contracts and
expands to give a gentle thrusting motion
at various speeds. It is fucking great (and
great fucking).
The G-Thump
The G-Thump is just one of the
species of thrusting vibes that Bellesa
makes, the AirThrust being a notably
high-rating option. While they might look
a bit like abstract sculptures, it is only
because they are rabbit vibes
(with simultaneous internal
and external stimulation,
multitasking is hard but this
vibe sure makes it look easy).
The soft and flexible vibrating
section can entertain your clit
but if it turns out to be too much,
it is easy to turn away and just
focus on the party happening inside.
What is so special about the
G-Thump is that it has a
thumping spot on the end
that pushes right on the
G-spot. Oh gee! Oh my…
I will stop there and
TOTALLY not because I
have run out of vibrators that
I own. If none of these spark
your fancy, there are plenty more
options to peruse on bboutique.co
and many other companies such as
WeVibe and Satisfyer. There are endless
variations — seriously, Bellesa even
makes one shaped like an avocado.
Everybody is different, so it is
important to experiment with what
kinds of sensations work for you. I did
not think vibrators were my thing for a
long time. “Oh pssht, how good can it be,
it’s like sitting on a washing machine!” I
thought innocently, only to write an article
lauding them later. Things change. Our
relationships with our bodies change. The
world can be pretty damn awful, why not
wring as many orgasms out of it as you
can? So quick dicking around, give yourself
a hand and cum as you are. Cliterally.MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2024
ARTS 6
The Art of Orgasms: Explore endless
possibilities of technologized pleasure
Sex, love, self hatred, tits, some shit about rain:
Featured poetry outlines raw life, pain of studentsClassifieds
outline LC
depravity
By FIONA EILERS
HAVE YOU FALLEN in love with
a random Dovecote barista
and want to let them know in
a public yet cryptic message? Perhaps
a Bon beauty or classroom cutie? Back
by popular demand, The Mossy Log is
now publishing Campus Classifieds.
Unlike KPH’s Missed Connections, we
will be posting student submissions on
a biweekly basis. To celebrate our new
readdition, I will be giving my entirely
unsolicited commentary on this week’s
juicy submissions.
“To the tall boy from my NST with
brown hair and circle glasses,
we should get lavender iced chais
together sometime ;)”
Congratulations, you just described
half of the male student population.
Good luck finding him in a crowd.
“To the couples that keep having sexual
relations in the Troom, What the fuck.”
Where is Campo when you actually
need them? I have not seen this shit
show up on the crime log. Or the sex
offender registry.
“I saw you in the crowd while I was
playing bass. You have beautiful bright
neon blue hair and matching eyeliner.
Ramona Flowers wants to be you. Ruin
my life please. – Scotty Boy ”
Ramona, if you are out there,
please start running. Bass is the most
toxic instrument. The dexterity is NOT
worth the risk.
“Elgin Webb, I wish you weren’t my
RA. I want you so bad.”
1. You should have kept this to yourself.
2. ELGIN WEBB? Serious question, why
did so many LC parents pick names that
sound like a Harry Potter character?
It’s like the Bay Area version of naming
your kid McLaklynn.
“To the bad asf girl with the smiley
face tattoo, red long wavy hair, septum
piercing, full coverage foundation and
a slight limp, I need you in a gay way”
Despite the fact that this was clearly
written by a man, love the energy of this
one, no complaints.
“To the hot girl I always see at the
Coop, I liked your JNCO jeans today.
Wanna hook up?”
I really hope that you know this girl
personally. Even then, this should have
been a DM. Or a text. Or really anything
other than this.
“To the guy on the track team who
always scrolls Twitter during Lochner’s
class, I’ve never spoken to you, but
seeing you is the highlight of my day. ”
A chill ran down my spine reading this.
I fear for the day Lochner cold-calls him.
“WHO KEEPS LEAVING THEIR
UNDERWEAR EVERYWHERE. How?
Why? Are you dropping your drawers in
public spaces? Please, stop, I have eyes!”
I strongly advise against asking
questions you do not want the answer
to. But I agree, cut that shit out.
“Girl with non-dyed blonde hair, I locked
eyes with you in the Bon today. Haven’t
you noticed that I’m always looking for
you? Come talk to me, I don’t bite.”
This submission gives me the vibe that
you might be the next Joe from “You” and
absolutely do bite. Please do not serially
observe the hoes, it scares them.
“I miss Missed Connections.”
I took their job from them and am
doing it better. Miss me instead.
“I saw you with a furry tail in J.R.
Howard… I think mine might be bigger.
Want to measure them sometime?”
I really have no words for this one. I
think this may have finally broken me.
On that note, this concludes our first
edition of Campus Classifieds. You all
are sick and depraved, and should seek
professional help while still on your
parent’s health insurance. Until next time!By ROSALIE ZUCKERMANN
AS DENIZENS not only of
humanity but of our very own
liberal arts college, it is of the
utmost importance that we participate
in the millennia-long tradition, the
beating heart of culture and society,
the most essential creative act to
dignify this earth. Not sex, please,
vulgarity does not suit high academia.
No, the highest of pleasures is poetry,
of course.
Toss that old edition of The
Backdoor aside and drink in this
luxurious sampling of Louie & Cock’s
finest verse, hand-selected from
student submissions by the Poetry
Readers’ Internationally Curated Keep
Sakes (PRICKS). If you are under the
ridiculous illusion that I myself have
written these as expert satire, dispense
these absurd notions immediately and
revel in the fine arts culture of today’s
young adults.
I Love Love
My heartbeat quickens at the sight of
his mustache
that rests above those his perfectly
chapped lips
like a caterpillar, dainty and fresh from
the cocoon.
There is no expression that could cross
his face
that would not make that ‘stache
wriggle with elegance
My spine shivers and tingles with a wee
electrocution
whenever our hands slip past each
other,
connected knuckle hairs reverberating
like synapses.Those beefy hands are strong enough to
crush me,
and I know fear was just what Jane
Austen was missing.
Oh, and those eyes, those perfect
crystalline orbs,
I get lost in them each time he nods at me
And a sultry “sup gurl” escapes his
mouth
Underneath those two syllables lie the
very
Threads of my existence: I am not just
a girl
I am the girl. I am his girl. I am Sup Gurl.
I Hate Love
I watch the rain streak down my
window
A dreary sky in disrepair
Like the tears that stain my pillow
Pud’ling pools of deep despair
Lana, Phoebe, Taylor, Billie
We’re on first name basis now
I listen, sob, repeat until he
Returns, comes running back to plow
(me)
My twin flame was the one and only
The lighter of my favorite joints
He abandoned me so lonely
I could smoke, but what’s the point?
In twenty years I’ll look him up
To see that balding chauvinist
Tag his house with my menstrual cup
Revenge is just so feminist
Ode to the Moon
Endless mystery of the night
Where the sun blinds,the moon beckons, full
and graceful.
In velvet darkness
secrets emerge,
quiet pulsing in our blood
reaching a crescendo.
One who sees all,
patient and cunning
guarder of stars,
bathes us in shadow.
Slowly, we dissolve into
constellations, luminescent
surrender to our mother
this far away moon.
Looking in the Mirror — Who is
That I See?
My childhood lies discarded in empty
scrapbooks
Now, grown up, I cannot even
recognize my looks
I dye my hair once a week
I sing so loud that I cannot speak
There are no answers for what I seek
I have to face that I am not unique
How quickly time slips away and years
tick by
How much it all changed makes me
want to cry
Scrolling through my camera roll
My nostalgia is out of control
The daily burdens take their toll
Not even sex could heal my soul
I gaze into the mirror, searching for
somebody
And instead a ghost stares back at meGod, Tits
Within this woman is a world vaster
and more biodiverse than
Earth. What lies between the ocean of
her face and the hills
of her ass is the beauteous mountain
region, snow capped areolas
and luscious valley between. I, the
brave p*oneer, trek
up Everest and its twin to reach the
heights of elation.
To think there was a day when I, in my
humble beginnings
lay unawares of the transcendental
joys awaiting me. Like
ripe summer fruits, they rest engorged
and juicy on the verdant
boughs of her body. Playboy gets it
wrong with each centerfold,
gluttonizing and ignoring the artistry
this form beholds.
Generic Rain Poem
Green moss carpets under our feet,
gray cloudy skies above our heads.
Rain nourishes the soil of the ground,
rain nourishes the soil of my soul.
All is refreshed and washed clean,
all is forgiven and forgotten.
We dig our roots deep and sprout upward
We stretch towards the reborn sun.
Portland holds magic in its wet air,
California made me horny for
precipitation.
Submit your poetry on piolog.com.
We promise to print it!MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2024
GAMES 7
By JESSIE SHAW
1. What are your plans after college?
a) Settle down and marry a rich
man so you can stop working, which
totally exempts you from participating in
capitalism, you know.
b) Work as a cashier at Fred Meyer and
let LC kids shoplift margarita mix. Roll
Pios!
c) Spike your lean with Vicodin to
finally be free of your soul crushing
depression. Make sure to chase it with a
cranberry White Claw. Manners!
d) Join a cult, but only because starting
one seems too hard.
2. Where should you live next year?
a) Upper Manzi
b) A slightly shittier, moldier version of
your current apartment
c) A bivouac in the Rose Garden
d) A basement dorm that hosts
biweekly freshman-only ketamine orgies
3. Who would you date to piss off
your mom?
a) A boy that incessantly talks about
Elon Musk
b) A seemingly average Joe with a deep
dark secret
c) That one girl in your Words class
with an infected stick-and-poke
d) Someone who sells weed out of their
four bedroom apartment, again
4. What does your major get
stereotyped as?
a) Pop Culture (RHMS)
b) Adulthood Preparation (Economics)
c) Astrology (Political Science)
d) Conspiracy Theories (Chemistry)
5. What do you crave when you have
the munchies?a) Something gourmet, yet bizarre
b) Cold pizza! It is so much better cold
c) A *magic* mushroom salad
d) Pussy
6. What are your thoughts on
children?
a) Aw, so cute in the Christmas card!
b) Hard, but worth it
c) Have you considered the amount of
carbon emissions?
d) Fuck them kids
7. What caliber of shitbag are you?
a) I tell people my family cannot afford
the house we live in and pretend my
clothes are thrifted!
b) I keep talking about the economy,
despite thinking that inflation is some
kind of porn thing.
c) I drink IPAs on camping trips
because there is nothing like a beer by the
water on a hot summer’s day.
d) Literally just the fucking worst!
Mostly A’s: You are most likely some
fucking spoiled rich kid that I was jealous
of in high school. Guess money cannot buy
character or good taste, but it can buy a
better phone than mine.
Mostly B’s: I could call you relatively
normal or some other innocuous comment
— but honestly, when was the last time
someone smiled because you walked into a
room? Laughed when yousaid something
funny? You are guilty of the double sin of
being neither charming nor memorable.
Mostly C’s: You are into some weird
neo-hippie bullshit. Peace and love, I
guess. Also, those are not dreads. You
have A1, maybe A2 hair at best. You are
embarrassing yourself.
Mostly D’s: You are a total sleazeball.Whoroscope time:
Read your futureLife planning too difficult? Find
your purpose with flowchart quiz
By OLIVIA LARIOS
Across
1.Dirty looking soundcloud “rapper”
who penned the genius lyric “her
pussy tastes like Skittles, you can
really taste the rainbow.”
3.Portmanteau of “Bathing Ape,” the
worst person you know was rocking
this brand all of 2016
7.What the testes are stored in or
what that twink ass ant holds over its
shoulder
8. Dune messiah whose next proficy is
the downfall of lcquesadillas
10. Masturbation so intense that it
becomes a state of meditation, also
known as baiting.
13. “Crooked __,” known
purveyor of Cedar
Rapids (I heard those
emails were from from
the LC Career Center)
16. King of R&B and
child porn
17. __ Lovato,
estranged twin
sister of
Demi who
she “allegedly”
locked in the
basement on a
heroin bender
18. “I’m on
the __ of my
seat” ;)
19. Anonymous
app where unfunny
people can interact
with more unfunny
people. You
furries are not
fooling anyone. Down
1. One of the seven deadly sins that
runs rampant on 19 across
2. Not having a specific thing
4. What people might be fiending for
on a Saturday night
5. Bisecting arm joints that may be
enclosed around another in an embrace.
6. Rumored passages beneath LC that
may be harboring foreign terrorist
Kate Middleton
9. The political party started on
campus in 2001 after the great granola
genocide (GGG), started under the leadership of Kim Goth Un, leader of
The Coop (no relation to the current
leadership of The Coop).
11. Jason, CIA agent played by Matt
Damon (not believable!!!)
12. Another word in surfer dialect for
“far out” or “tubular”
14. How Central Cee might describe
someone who is super hot
15. Japanese software input editor
(I’m sorry, nothing else fit)
Answers will not be posted, get
it right the first time scrubsOnly fools miss crosswords; brush
up on your skills in today’s puzzle Adrift students! Find
your truest self in quiz
By OLIVIA FENDRICH
Aries
Consider
investing in a
chastity belt as protection from
the ongoing crabs infestation in
your hookup’s ginger pubes.
Taurus
4/20 will be YOUR DAY.
If you pull up to Sunburn
with your bong at the ready,
asshole freshly bleached
and your libido higher than
a freshman quad’s, you will
have the time of your wretched life.
Gemini
Your two-faced, backstabbing
ass will be single for life.
You are psychiatrically
deranged, and your therapist
definitely talks shit about
you. Watch your back, freak.
Cancer
Don’t worry,
honey, it is not terminal.
Leo
Unleash your inner artist
by turning in experimental lesbian
erotica instead of your Econ 100
homework. Do not worry,
I hear that was
how Drake got
his big break.
Virgo
Redownloading Grindr will not pull
you out of this depressive
episode. Go trauma dump
on your faculty advisor
like the rest of us and try
Being Normal.
Libra
After a long week of
lying for attention and
desperately trying to
dispel the copiuous
sexual tension in your all-girl friend
group, you deserve a break. Make
yourself a Bon vodka cran and dance
the night away.Scorpio
Your sex life has been drier
than an @lc_quesadillas tortilla.
Get back out there by hooking
up with your Chemistry lab
partner or joining your
ex-roommate’s polycule.
We would never judge.
Sagittarius:
Still pale AF from the desolate
Portland winter you had no idea if you
would survive? Embrace your inner
white girl and get your twink-
ass on the Scampus
lawn! Bikini optional;
#clitsoutforsummer.
Capricorn:
I sense you have
residual trauma
from your NST.
Take a naked walk
in Tryon to connect with
your inner Christopher
McCandless.
Aquarius:
After getting
your heart broken by a cisgender man
with a nonbinary-ass name, you are in
desperate need of some TLC (Totally
Legal Cannabis). Light
one up for old times’
sake, you weary slut.
Pisces:
Speaking of fish, your
pussy stinks. I cannot tell if
it is more of a hygiene thing or
something clinical.
Either way, figure it out.
OL’ EMMA AGAINTHE STUNNINGLY GORGEOUS AND ETHEREAL ROSALIE ZUCKERMANN. BOW DOWN BITCHESMONDAY, APRIL 1, 2024
8You should check the website on
the front page! You need it :)
By ELLA DUNN
ONE WAS AN artsy bad girl who
played bass in an indie band.
The other was a studious,
poetry-writing coffee freak. They lived
across campus from each other, but
they were connected — by fate and very
similar vibes.
It was a cold January morning, the
first day of the new semester. Coop
pulled on her Blundstone Chelsea boots
and wrapped a self-made crochet scarf
around her neck. Walking to class, an
environmentally-friendly insulated coffee
mug in hand, she blasted Lana Del Rey
through her $500 Apple headphones. It
was just another day — or was it?
On that very same chilly morning,
Platteau was getting ready for class,
pulling her shiny hair into a scrunchie,
when all of a sudden her phone rang. It
was Dovecote.
“Guess who I just saw strut by?”
Dovecote got right to the point, as
usual. Platteau rolled her green orbs in
mock annoyance. “She was holding a
reusable coffee mug. She cares about the
environment! What’s hotter than that?”
“You need to stop calling me
every time you see her,” Platteau said
grumpily, “It’s not like we even know
each other, she’s just cute or whatever.”
Dovecote giggled before Platteau hung
up on them abruptly, her mind racing.
*Sigh* “I bet Coop doesn’t even
know who I am,” thought Platteau. “But
I’m so artsy and unique and mysterious,
and so is she. We’re practically meant
to be!”
Sulking, Platteau walked onwards. As
she rounded the corner to enter Miller,
she bumped straight into the voluptuous
tits of someone tall and gorgeous.
“Oh!~”
She delicately collapsed on the ground
with a gasp, her books scattering around
her. Rubbing her arm, which she had
fallen on, and looked up through her
lashes to see who she had run into.
It. Was. Coop. Coop reached down and helped
Platteau to her feet.
Platteau’s breath caught as she gazed
up into Coop’s hazel orbs, sparkling in the
winter sun. It seemed to last forever.
“I’m so sorry,” stammered Platteau, “I
must not have been looking, I’m sorry-”
Coop pressed her pointer finger
to Platteau’s naturally luscious lips,
stopping her mid-apology.
“It’s alright. Are you hurt?”
Platteau briefly glanced down at her
elbow, scraped and lightly bleeding.
Coop’s orbs lit up with concern that
made Platteau’s heart melt. “Let’s get
you cleaned up.”
Platteau stood as still as possible
in the second floor Miller bathroom,
barely breathing, lashes fluttering, heart
pounding as Coop drenched a paper
towel in water and pressed it to her elbow,
looking worried. They were so… close.
Platteau could feel Coop’s breath on her
neck. Her core throbbed.
Their eyes met. Sparks were flying
between them — you could cut the sexual
tension with a knife.
They both leaned in. Their lips
brushed, lightly at first, before their bodies collided. Coop gripped the roots
of Platteau’s auburn hair, and she gasped.
They melted together, their chests pressed
together and heaving as they desperately
clung to each other, enveloping each
others’ bodies.
An unsuspecting student in an LC
Athletics shirt walked in, briefly glanced
over at the scene they were making — Coop
pressing Platteau against the counter,
devouring her lips and knocking Coop’s
mug into the sink — and continued on his
way to take a leak. Same shit as always.
With the sound of piss hitting the
urinal in the background, Platteau had
the best sex of her life in the all-gender
bathroom on second floor Miller, the most
romantic spot on campus.
For the rest of college, the lovers were
in a situationship many times, dated and
then broke up every couple of months
and slept with each other’s friends every
once in a while. At the end of the day,
though, they always returned to each
other. After all, they were both so quirky
and mysterious and simply meant to be.
Follow my AO3 for updates on more
of LC student-run haunts’ semi-public
sexual encounters!
By ERIN SEAVER
ON THE NINTH anniversary of
Lewis & Clark’s contentious
Instructor Matrimony Bonus, I
thought it would be the perfect time to
put on my newsboy cap and dig into the
results and reception of the little-covered
marriage policy.
In 2015, LC became a pioneer of
collegiate matrimonial incentives by
offering a bonus of $20,000 to any
faculty who married another faculty
member. The policy drew general
bewilderment and confusion from other
institutions, although it was positively
received on campus.
At the time of implementation, LC
declined to give their reasoning for
the policy. However, many noted that
it came after a series of professors
appeared on — and won — the hit
reality TV show “The Bachelor.” Their
subsequent resignations left behind
large gaps in the English and History
departments.
While LC also declined to respond to
our request for comment on the policy,
the webpage for the policy states that
“The Interdepartmental Matrimony
Bonus is a simple way to promote long-
term stability and positive relations
throughout our staff.” The page makes no
mention of the short lived — and quickly
forgotten — Student-Teacher Matrimony
Bonus which sparked campus-wide
outrage and one (annulled) marriage.
Over the past year, with help
from Associate Professor of Sociology
Timothy Jefford at Reed College, LC has
been conducting an internal survey on
the impacts of this policy.
“LC has found that since its
implementation, faculty marriages have
skyrocketed by almost 80% while faculty
retention has improved by a smaller
margin of 20%,” reported Jefford.On the release of Jefford’s survey
results, LC hosted a faculty mixer
with guest speaker Dan Savage of
“The Savage Lovecast.” They also
released a statement calling the policy a
“resounding success” and recommended
more educational institutions look into
implementing similar policies.
Jefford is now conducting a second
study independent of the college, which
he agreed to discuss with me. In our
interview, I got some key statistics
which were left out of LC’s initial report.
His study showed that 90% of
marriages originated from the LC-specific
dating app Liberal Hearts. He also found
that, since his study began in Fall 2022,
divorce rates among recently married
faculty rose by 70% and that faculty
members at LC were disproportionately
interested in open relationships. He
declined to share his research techniques
before the publication of his study.
“The fact is, many of these professors
haven’t been in the dating pool since their
freshman or sophomore year of college.
After one or two romantic failures, most
academics simply give up and pretend
to be interested in their fields of study
or write a monograph or something,”
Jefford said.
“The result of suddenly throwing
them together is a dangerous mix of pent
up hormones and low standards,” Jefford
continued, “which can lead to confusing
relationships and a lot of hurt feelings.”
His research focuses on the fact that,
since 2015, LC faculty have reported
heightened anxiety in the workplace,
and have expressed feelings of low self-
worth and internal dissatisfaction with
their romantic prospects and overall
sex appeal. Jefford’s study is looking to
reveal the connection between monetized
romance and depression.
“These feelings of inadequacy have
led faculty to read into and pursue connections beyond their logical
conclusions. In some cases, professors
are looking to create a matrimonial
connection based on a few dates and
some cheap wine,” he told me.
In the face of budget cuts, and
a general sentiment of stinginess,
many students and some faculty have
expressed their disapproval with the
policy, especially considering recent
budget cuts across campus.
“It’s fiscally irresponsible and I’ve
never heard of anything more ridiculous,”
said one recently divorced professor.
“Anyone who believes in finding love on
dating apps should be tried and shot.”
He requested anonymity, and
for his ex wife to return his copy of
Machiavelli’s “The Prince.”
In a joint interview, two newlyweds
recalled falling in love over plans to buy a
1999 Prevost Le Mirage XL Marathon — a
luxury Motor Coach — and travel cross
country. A week after their wedding they
said their dream came true of finally being
able to afford the vehicle. Unfortunately,
to date they have not found the time to
travel anywhere outside of Portland,
and are now “considering an amicable
divorce.” Who will get custody of the
vehicle presents a hot-button issue.
Because it is a relatively new policy,
the long-term results are yet to be seen,
but a leaked graph from the admissions
department showed a prospective decrease
in available student workers as professors
are able to offer grade bumps in return
for childcare — an academic loophole
made possible through an eleventh hour
amendment to the policy, introduced
by the Psychology department. This
graph, leaked in a mistakenly sent email,
also contained a prospective reduction
of applications from the Bay Area as
professors become increasingly focused
on preparing their own children to attend
the institution.The Coop x Platteau hot spot
one-shot: bathroom bangingFSU girl group proves
female bands suck too
SWEETLY PROVIDED BY NOAH BOYARSKYBy ELLA DUNN
YOU MAY HAVE heard their
singles, or seen their fishnet-
clad members around campus.
While this description is no different
than that of your average LC student, we
are talking about a very special group of
students: the girl band known as The
Hatchettes, of course. Every member
is a true campus catch, and each has
their own traits that make them special.
Allow me to introduce you:
Knives Sharpe, the lead singer,
has a soft spot in her studded armor
for cupcakes, blondes and shitty
weed. You might find her in her dorm
ripping a nasty bowl, or in the laundry
room, watching her innumerable
articles of black clothing swirl around
in the washing machine with an
utterly dead look in her eyes that the
ladies adore.
Razer Blayde is the band’s guitarist,
best known for their, *ahem,* deft
fingerwork, and their pride and joy
is their “naturally” curly hair which
they frequently fling around while
performing. In the grand tradition
of guitarists, they do not “do”
commitment, so do not try to make
plans with them. Gigs booked on a
vibes basis only.
Teeth is the band’s drummer. Only
three things are known about her: she
hates her dad, she hates her mom and
she probably hates you.
The band is currently looking
for a sexy female bassist, so if you
know anybody covered in patchwork
tattoos who wears exclusively thrifted
clothing, you can email them at
hatchetzarethebezt@yahoo.com. No
knowledge of bass required.
Now, how did the Hatchettes
come to be? One fateful day at
Lewis & Clark, the Feminist Student
Union (FSU) president was laying a
smorgasbord of condoms, free lube
and Wintergreen Zyns outside of the
office in Fowler when they noticed an
alluring, distant melody. They followed
the melodramatic, alto-toned voice to
Fowler 215, which some might call an
inappropriate location to jam out, but
somebody was jamming nonetheless.
The president, now known as Razer,
peered in on the singer, her microphone
connected to a tiny amp that made her
tone sound like ass. Nonetheless, Razer
saw something in her. They kicked the door open, spooking
Knives, who promptly tripped over her
mic chord — the four-inch platform
boots she was wearing were not
helpful — and collapsed with a terrible
crunching sound. Razer apologized
profusely before helping Knives to a
sitting position on the floor.
“Shit, I think I broke something,”
said Knives.
She had, and she spent the first six
weeks of performances in a leg cast and
got laid more in those six weeks than
the rest of her life combined.
After uniting with Knives, Razer
began pinning posters to the walls
in Fowler, which were just as quickly
removed by Student Engagement.
Luckily, as she was placing one on
the wall, she was approached by who
else but Teeth. That is NOT her stage
name, by the way. Her parents named
her Teeth. She thinks the name is
badass, and she is right.
“I drum,” Teeth said, suddenly
grabbing Razer’s phone out of their
hand and inserting her number before
handing it back and walking away.
This is the simple, but charming,
story of how the Hatchettes came to be
FSU’s very own girl band. They tend to
get a bit rowdy at their shows, and most
days they come home with bruises, girls
or both. We managed to get an exclusive
interview with a girl who slept with
one of the band members, though she
refused to reveal which. She also wished
to remain anonymous for obvious
reasons. This is what she said:
“They pretty much just fingerbanged
me for like ten minutes, gave up because
their arm was getting tired, and then
wiped their hand off on their distressed
jeans and turned away. I looked over
their shoulder and caught them editing
a note entitled “Satisfied:” in their
phone to say “116.” The whole thing was
over in fifteen minutes.”
Well, everyone, there is the
scoop on how sex with a Hatchette
really is. None of you will heed this
warning I am sure, so we will be
taking anonymous confessions for a
new column devoted solely to stories
regarding the regrettable banging of
band members. There is truly only one
way to learn that lesson. Godspeed.
Most importantly, the Hatchettes
are putting out their first album,
entitled “i hate you mom.” Wonder
who came up with that title.
The Hatchettes get set to strike a sexy pose for promotional band glamor shots.
The band can be found playing live at a house party near you this Spring until finals.THANK YOU TO THE HATCHETS FOR BEING EXTREMELY GOOD SPORTSInstructor matrimony bonus stirs
up bitterness, broken partnerships
DREAMT UP BY A FLU-RIDDEN EMMA FORD