Title
The Pioneer Log: Lewis & Clark College’s Student-Run Newspaper
Description
Volume 57, Number 18
Subject
Lewis & Clark College Student Newspaper
Creator
Pioneer Log Staff
Date
1995-04-01
Format
text/pdf
Type
Text; Newspaper
Rights
For questions about rights statements, or access to the original document please contact Lewis & Clark College Special Collections and Archives http://specialcollections.lclark.edu
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http://rightsstatements.org/vocab/InC/1.0/
Full Text
Lewis &:. Clark CoHege- Student-run Newspaper- 'Volume 57, Number 18 -Saturday, April 1, 1995
New four year residency requirement
rrlr's terrible. I"m
cIa ustrophobic.
I don"t know what
I"m gOing to do
when they move
two other people into
my double room.
Where am I gOing
to sleep,
under the bed?}}
-Rosanne Scott -
by Anissa Beasley
Lewis &: dark has recently revoked the two
year residency requirement and implemented a
four year requirement. As of next school year all
students must live on campus for their entire LC
career.
When asked why this new rule was
implemented, LC administration said it will create Andy, member of Copeland dorm council, prepares for his new living space. Every available space will be converted into bed space
as a result of the new four year resident requirement. photo by Blythe Gage
Administrators are very concerned about the
current lack of community and believe this is the only way
to create a strong bond among students.
The administration also said this residency requirement
will reduce the parking problem. They believe that with all
students on campus no one will have a real necessity for a
car. The only exception to the new requirement is the small
percent of students living at hOime. Students that live with
their families will be allowed to live off campus and commute
to LC under this new rule. However, they must complete a
20 page application form explalining in detail why living at
home is an absolute necessity. constructed using the architecture plans from Platt-Howard .
LC students are outraged by this new residency
requirement. Many think its absurd and in no way feasible.
Freshman Rosanne Scott says, "It's terrible. I'm
claustrophobic . I don't know what I'm going to do when
they move two other people into my double room. Where
am I going to sleep, under the bed?" This four year residency requirement came about when
Michael Ford, dean of students and director of Campus Ufe,
decided we need a stronger sense of student community .
The requirement was approved by the Budget Committee ,
Campus Housing Committee, and ASLC. Then the
Residency Requirement Creating Commun ity (RRCC) board
was created to deal with this issue. RRCC is looking into on-campus hOUSing options for
next year. It has not yet decided where the approximate
2,SOO students will live. One possibility is housing three.
students in all of the double rooms and two students in all
of the Singles.
LC is also looking into building a new residence hall on
lower campus. To lower buildilllg costs this new hall will be A petition with over 1,200 student signatures has been
presented to the administration . Also an informal student
poll was conducted in which over 75 percent of students
and faculty strongly disagreed with the new residency
requirement. However, the RRCC refuses to take student
opinion into consideration. •
Lavigne resigns, Rochester appointed as ASLC president
by Somone Else
Gordon Lavigne, crushed by the Pioneer
Log~ revelations of the stuffed ballots, re
signed during spring break. He was afraid
that he did not legitimately win last years
election. "I thought everything was a joke
until I read my diary from last year," said
Lavigne.
In Lavigne's place, Josh Rochester, LC
junior, was unanimously voted' the interim
ASLC president. Rochester ' is'~iie bf the two
students who admitted to' s~ffl.ng \he bal
lots. He is reportedly not surprised by the
nomination. "I planned this all alo~i he says
on the phone from his spring break in Las
Vegas. The ASLC council is content with
the development. "His tricky 'and sneaky
way of handling events is exactly what we
Editorial need to manipulate the administration " says
an ASLC board member.
Cory Curtis, ASLC president to be, is
happy with the interim president . He hopes
to convince Rochester to stay as vice-presi
dent next year. "I count on Rochester to be
my right hand man" says Curtis. Some, that
saw Rochester luring behind the ballot boxes
during this election, allege that he already
is.
The first action the interim president
will take is arranging a hunger strike out
side KLC, featuring students on the Bon
Appetite meal plan. "Freshmen 15 will be a
thing of the past" says Rochester and prom
ises that slim LC students will be a power
ful promotion source. Jean Kempe-Ware at .
Public Relations is hesitant to agree. "Fresh-men 15 is the best thing about college, and
I doubt that a strike would enhance the
learning experience . And what would the
alumni think?" says Kempe-Ware.
Rochester also promises a grand prize -
"Dine with the president" (sponsored by
SOFA) to any of the strike participants that
fully understand the KLC controversy.
Wild rumors are in circulation, and so
far many have incorrectly guessed that the
KLC move has to do with the faculty jacuzzi
currently being built. Others believe that the
move is all about money. The enormous
demand for KLC and the 97% of the stu
dent body that listens have created interest
from several national broadcast corpora
tions.
Rochester is also about to award the Pio-neer Log with a prize for itS extensive cover
age. The staff rejected the prize. "We are sim
ply publishing what we find in peoples gar
bage cans," said Corinna Buchholz, Co-Edi
tor-in-Chief. Buchholz also explained that
praise given to the Log for its extensive cov
erage of opposing views is unnecessary. 'We
do anything to fill up blank space" she said,
and referring to letters written by Michael
Ford, dean of students and director of cam
pus life.
The administration has expressed grave
concerns with the nomination of Rochester
and have already begun digging up old Peer
Review Board records. "There's gotta be
something [about Rochester)" says Ford.
Rochester denies the existence of any files
of illegal conduct on his part. •
News Features Entertairrnent Sports
if there's anything really
important to let people
know of within this section,
let it be said here.
-Page:3-if there's anything really
important to let people
know of within this section,
let it be said here.
-Page5-if theres anything really
important to let people
know of within this section,
let it be said here.
-Page7-if there's anything really
important to let people
know of within this section,
let it be said here.
-Page9-if there's anything real1y
important to let people
know of within this section,
let it be said here.
-Page 11-.---p.a.g
lile.2-".N!:vVS:1I:; _______ .... t.h.e.P.io.n.e.e.T.L.oj§.- .... Siiiidtu .. Td.a.y.,.AiPiin.·liil.,_li9i9.5 __ ~
Students Protest New
Toilet Paper
The Administration has recently re
placed the James River Toilet Paper in the
donns with Channin (as in don't squeeze
the).
The Toilet Paper Replacing Cornntittee
(TPRC) made the decision to switch to
Channin after they received complaints from
students that the paper was tearing when they
tried to use it.
Several students have written letters to
the TPRC demanding the restitution of the
James River brand, stating that student in
put was not taken into consideration when
the decision was made.
The head of the TPRC, Donald Madson,
said they are only trying to get the best paper
to the most students (or the longest time.
Big boy to Adorn Lower
Campus
lower·campus will be closed down from
Sept., 1995 through June, 1997 so that the
next major construction project can be car
ried out as planned. During this 22-month
period, a 45-foot replica of the Big Boy mas
cot will be erected in the Albany quadrangle,
where the family-restaurant representative
can be seen and cherished in all his un
abashed glory.
The next project will be a new Philoso
phy building to be located at the Big BoyS
feet, so that the philosophers can debate the
existence of an inexpensive, quality meal for
the whole family.
Nude Shriner Dance
Company
The critically acclaimed and world re
nowned NudeShriners Dance Company will
be. coming 10 lewis & [Jark !O perform at
the unveiling of the Big Boy Statute.
As part of the ceremonies to be. held on
lower cam pus they will be perfonning a piece
choreographed by the Grand Poobah of the
Columbia Gorge Lodge. The perfonnance
will be at 2:00 on Saturday April 7 rain or
shine.
Reflecting pool to be
replaced
As part of the campus wide construc
tion the reflecting pool is going to be replaced
with a fluid wrestling complex. The admin
istration hopes this will give lower campus a
more student feel. The wrestling will give
students something to come together for cre
ating more community. by Frosty Bob Glick, LC crime hound
To our readership: For April Fools Day,
the entire Crime Beat has been fabrilcated,
as opposed to the standard practice of
making up only one or two entries each
week. Remember : Nothing you read here
is to be taken seriously as everything in this
column is an absolute, bald-faced, un
qualified lie, including this sentence .
March 21: A sophomore was spotted
outside of Spruce Hall acting in a respect
able, civihz~d manner and with a positive,
optimistic outlook on life. Fellow students
promptly alerted Campus Safety, who in
tervened, issuing him a goatee and a Nine
fncn Nilifs CD. He is now typicaffy cyni
cal and surly just like the rest of you illit
erate goons. A report was taken.
March 24: The Ouija board used by
the administration in making all major de
cisions was reported missing this day. For
a while, the administration considered uti
lizing a coalition of informed students and
faculty members to cooperate on creating
policy until the device was found, but for-tunately, a temporary substitute was brought
in. When asked if the use of his Magic 8-
Ball would change the way campus policy
is established, Michael Ford responded, "It
does not seem likely at this time."
March 26: The degree of chaos in the
universe was found to be decreasing, par
ticularly in one spot on lower campus.
Campus Safety was called and restored the
appropriate entropy. No suspects have been
found, but anyone providing information
leading to the apprehenSion and conviction
of those involved will receive a free pierc
ing. A report was taken.
March 28: At about 10:30 pm, Cam
pus Safety received a call supposedly from
an editor at the Log, reporting that the
newspaper's offices had ree.t:' .hro.l!e.tl j.lJ!O.
Several items were supposedly stolen,
among them a hot-glue gun, an autographed
8x10 glossy of Gordon Lavigne, the Log's
sense of objectivity, and the secret list the
newspaper keeps of everyone at LC who is
gay. This burglary was later discovered to
be a hoax, when a Campus Safety officer
pointed out that the Log never had any ob
jectivity. A report was taken.
March 29: Yet another student was "found whining about the oppression he
experiences at the hands of the school,
the administration, Campus Safety, etc.
As a result, he was soundly beaten with
his own bong by several members of the
LC community, and I think we are a bet
ter society for it.
March 30: Sophomore Jerry
Holloway was convicted on multiple
charges, including dealing heroin to
handicapped children, stealing artificial
limbs from amputees, taunting nuns, and
several counts of uncle abuse. It's about
time we got swine like him off the streets.
God bless the U.S.A.
March 31: I scrawled some rather
bawdy haiku into a desk in Bodine today
with my mechanical pencil. I just
thought 1 should come clean.
April 2: On Sunday at 10:45 pm, se
nior Erich Paetsch was arrested for at
tempting to assault several Campus Safety
officers with a sawed-off garden weasel,
all the while invoking archaic curses in
pirate vernacular . A report was taken.
(yes, this incident is reported to hap
pen tomorrow . I hope you're reading this
Erich. Don't make a liar out of me.)
Campus
Safety
Budget
slashed ....
but not as
much as
the Logs Cardboard cutouts
sent to patrol campus
Cardboard
Cutouts better by Qint Greenwood
Due to president Mooneys recent indiscretions , as illustrated in
this issue of the Pio Log, Lewis & Oark college has been forced to
make many painful cuts. Most heavily hit will be the controversial
Campus Safety department. It has been speculated that Campus Safety's
budget for next year will be cut in half.
Gunpus Siifety head Sammy Hunter simply known as "The
Hunter" for his dog catching explOits, has recently decried the cuts
and given apocalyptic warnings about what life at LC would be. like
without a fully funded safety force. He recently said in an interview,
"Do you want this to be a school of pot smoking hippies, I really don't
think so? We at Campu~ ' Safety have served a vital role in stopping
this from becoming reality. Whenever we or any student have smelled
any marijuana fumes we have immediately called the Portland Police
and had them arrested regardless .
Opinion on a decreased Campus Safety force is mixed however.
LC professor of criminology Rhonda King has recently suggested in
novative law enforcement solutions for the LC community. She has
suggested that LC students aren't unlike crows and many card board
cutouts of campus safety officers would serve as scarecrows for crime.
Said King, "The current Campus Safety force are about.as stationary
and useful as cardboard cutouts, we may as well actually use them."
When learning of these comments the Hunter simply sneered
and said, "King better not find herself being pulled over by campus
safety alone or we may find out the true reason she is a CriminolOgist. "
The complex will have two fluid wres
tling pits designed for mud, pudding, jello,
pie filling, tobacco juice, melted gummy
bears, and natural fertilizer. ";';;;~_ ~I deterrence of What the Hunter meant by this is unclear but it hasn't helped his
cause in attempting to restore his departments funding. Regardless of
these idle threats the cardboard cops idea has gained acceptance and
it is suspected that King may be working on cardboard administrators
for her next invention. The Log will make sure to keep you posted on
any possible development! * crime than safety
officers. _________ ....::::.. _____ --.1 photo by Mrianda Rites
Students
We ship your stuff home!
1 to 1000 pounds, computers, stereos, TV's, bikes
Insured, custom packing • Boxes & supplies for sale
Shipping both domestic & international • MCNisa
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the Pioneer Log -Saturday, April 1, 1995 ._ .. r.~:~.l":A "{:~:~:!:~:~:.:r.~.~r.::~:. 'N.,!:r.:i,:[.:.:t.:i.f .. ;~ .• ~:~ .. ·.·.9:' •• <:~.'.':....... : '~':\./ '':',\:: "'<:"; . Page 3
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Mooney loses control of school in poker game
by Mami Handley
President Micheal Mooney lost
his power over the school to a Port
land business man in a recent mid
night poker game.
President X (he does not wish
his name to be mown until the offi
cial announcement) will be taking
over the school the second week in
April. a position in a college before, but I
love power and I love the thought
of having a institution to mold young
minds into conservative
fundementalists who aren't afraid to
sacrifice the environment in order to
aid capitalism," said President X.
Mooney is boking forward to a break from the stress of running the
school.
Presid~t X will begin by mak
ing some fundamental changes to
·the power strulcture of the school.
Although he is not exactly sure what
these changes a,re he would like to
see a more totalitarian system. Since a gambling game is an
inappropriate way for a college to
change hands, the school is trying
to cover up for the event by acting
like the school is being sold in a nor
mal transaction . Of course when
administrators were asked why
Mooney would sell the school they answered by saying his reasons are
not the concern of others.
President X will be introduced
to the staff and faculty at a special
meeting to be held on Monday April
3. A more formal introduction for
the entire campus community will
be held on Thursday, April 2. •
In order to celebrate spring
break Mooney held a dinner party
on March 18th in his penthouse
downt~ . After the party the rich
est guests were invited to play poker.
Mooney began the night with
an incredible winning streak.
"He was unstoppable . For a
while I thought he was counting
cards or using a marked deck," said
one of the players.
This winning streak resulted in
two things: getting Mooney's confi
dence up and making some of the
other players mad.
When Mooney finally started
losing he lost everything he started
with and everything he had won. In
a desperate attempt to win some
money back he convinced the other
players to let him use his position at
the college to bet and bluffed on a
nothing hand.
The winner of the hand will
soon be the new President of Lewis
& Clark college.
This is possible because mem
bers of the Board of Trustees were
present at the game and agreed to
make the change over happen.
"I will admitt I have never had Manor
House
symbol of
Colleges sale
Coldwell Banker
agent Charlene
Leslie will get credit
for a multi-million
doallar deal as the
agent handling the
sale of LC.
photo by Kevin Coolc:y
library construction changed to include·campus pub
by Anal Emmisions Showdown
Michael Ford revealed a new and im
proved libra?, plan this week; this one includes
a small pUb.. During study breaks, students
will now be able to get a beer in the pub that is
being placed in the newly constructed base
ment of the library.
Funding was qonated by the person who
recently made the monetary donation for the
Christmas lights. The only stipulation that
this anonymous person set forth. is one that
requires the name of the pub to be "The Res
ervoir."
Once the small establishments business gets under way, the college has guessed that
the pub will soon pay for itself, and may even
make money that the college will be able to
offer in the form of scholarships .
So far, no decision has been reached con
cerning what brands of beer will be on tap at
the pub. One popular suggestion among ad
ministrators in charge, has been that it only
sell beer that has been brewed at the many
fine micro breweries of the Northwest .
The administration has foreseen the way
this will look in the college brochures; it will
appear that students, rather than indulgmgjust
to indulge. will be getting a pleasant cultural experience that could only be found in the
Northwest
There will not be any sort of student vote
on the inclusion of the pub into the new base
ment of the library.
The sentiment among the administration
at Lewis & Clark is that, "students will just
have to live with it. And, if they don't want a
nice relaxing atmosphere where they can get a
fresh beer and maybe playa little pool, then
maybe they should think about why they are
in college ... ".
The Reservoir will be student run, and
will operate on the same hours that the library is currently open.
This means that there will be no activity
there on weekend nights. The reason for this
is that it has been proven over and over again,
how unhealthy it can bee to spend too much
time on campus during weekends .
Fortunately, if one is craving a beer or
maybe just a smoky atmosphere at three in
the morning after studying in the library, all
they will have to do is run downstairs .
As of right now, there is no proposal that
will allow students to use trail room points in
The Reservoir, but with a little coaxing and
action, who mows, it could happen. •
~ ~ What do you dUnk of cage free fertilized eQ~s?
"Personiilly 1 don't believe in
chickens. Yeah, theres all
this speculation about eanh
bound poultry, but thats
about as possible as that o
zone bull shit. That and
$1.25 wont get you a ride
on the bus."
Jamie ., 5th year
sophomore "1 don t eat eggs unless
they're from Blimpies in
Hanover Michigan,
cause they're the best
damn eggs ever."
Joy Harjo, junior "Its a Capitalist plot. Thats
what it is."
Helen Cladicott, lecturer
by Jenny Dener
and Kevin Cooley "1 dont know. What ever it
is its Gordons fault."
Todd Bums, free lance soft U A free range chicken ate my
mother when I was 5. It was
a really trnumatic experience.
So 1 don't eat them."
Spring Fanner, freshperson I
the Pioneer Log -Saturda • A Till, 1995
Zoinks!· Ford revs up the mystery machine
by Mortimer Harfst
The· Lewis & Clark community was
shocked to learn that Michael Ford is actually
70s icon-cum~etective Shaggy.
Although most often associated with ca
nine super-sleuth Scooby-Doo. Ford is quick
to remind people that Fred.Daphne and \\ilina
were also an integral part of the long-lived de
tective outfit
"They were great motivators" says Ford
excitedly. "whenever Scoob and I didn't want
to go into some scary. abandoned mine. they
would encourage us with Scooby snacks. Man
did those things taste like crap!"
When asked if he was at all suspicious
when Fred would offer to go with Daphne and
\e1ma, Ford is quick to point out that they were
a team and there wasn't any jealousy on·his.
part because there wasn't anything really go-rrl can.lt remeflnber how many times
we had to save the Globetrotter.ls
asses. But working with Batman and
Robin and Don Knotts is an experience
that I will always cherish. II
ing on between the platinum haired su.perstud
and the bespectacled yet bookishly auractive
Velma or the statuesque and scarfed goddess
Daphne.
"We were just a bunch of kids really, trav
eling the country solving crimes for all of our
relatives .. Making'maney for food. snalCks~d
gas for the Mystery Machine." After the gang ran out of relatives to solve
crimes for, they decided to ~vel for pure plea
sure. Many times the gang used their peculiar
talents to solve crimes while actually on vaca
tion.
"I can't remember how many times we had
t.o° save the Globetrotten asses:" But working'
with Batman aild Robin and Don Knotts is an
: i
[.I Scooby,
Scooby
Doo
who are
yOU?
Micheal Ford
finally gets in touch
w~h his youthful self,
substanciating
rumors that he was in
fact Scopby 000.
Administrators to hold extenlSive office hours
by OlUJo Schoenbag
Administralors have responded to a popu
lar Gallop poll, taken. by phone .(all polls are
non-scientific) last week and atmounced of
fice hours to be held weekly in the Trial Room
so that administrators will be easily accessible
to students. The first ten students each day
will be treated to lunch paid for directly by the
President's personal discretionary fund. What
a guy.
Biased students were randomly polled
only in Forest and Copeland Halls between the
hours of 12:00 and 2:00 am during spring
break by an acirr.inistrative mandated and run
poll to !'nsure accurate resu1lS. Students were
asked whether or not they felt they had ad
eqt·.ate access to their administrative and deci
siGn making body. The most common ~
elicited by students woken up was "Is this some kind of joke." followed closely by ''Hell no!"
All persons quoted have asked to remain
anonymous for fear of endangering thI!ir grade
in ultimate Frisbee.
The caring an compassionate administra
tion of Lewis &: dark quickly responded by
canceling a previously planned trip Hawaii and
other meetings and established offic:e hours
between 10:00 am and 2:90 pm. The first ten
students will be offered a free lunch.
One administrator. who asked to remain
anonymous but whose initials are similar to
those of a favorite junk food consumed by stu
dents on this campus said, '1 think this is a
great opportunity for the youngsters to get a
square meal as opposed to all that fungus they
eat and weed they smoke and get the issues off
their chest." He added. "The trail mom is a
fine establishment with a personal feel and unique atmosphere. its a place where the stu
dents have ownership of their surroundings
and I'm proud to support it."
When asked why the poll was even taken.
one administrator who has an office upstairs
said. "We felt it was high time we got in touch
with the real needs and desire of the students.
We got together and said to ourselves. 'how
can we, get in touch with all those peacenik
hippies and crunchies out there on the manor
house lawn who play guitar. throw Frisbees
and smoke pot at iunch?' We decided if we
couldn't beat them we ought to join them.
lbat~ how we divised the lunch hourI office
hours pla.,."
The administration will take daily rota
tions at the designated green booth in the trail
room. Keep your eye out for them. This is
neither an opportunity or a meal to be missed.
Conservatives seize Physical Plant buildings
by Sean LeMoine
Members of the Lewis &: Clark College
Young Conservatives club have taken over the
Physical Plant. Negotiations with the appar
/!l.t "leader." Reuben Green. ru.ve broken down.
"We plan to secede from the campus to
form our own capitalist paradise." said Green.
"We've got guns, ammunition. ten cases
of Henry's and all the records Hank Williams
ever put out." added first-year Ryan Thomas.
"We're never comin' out." On Man:h 29th. a group of Young Con
servatives dressed in Ronald Reagan masks in
vaded the manor house waving assault rifles
"that would have been banned by this liberal
administration. but we chose to libemte." said
Thomas.
Campus safety officer Benny Janez was
taken hostage during the coup. but escaped
soon after while his captors were in Michael
Mooney's office to catch Rush Umbaughs ra
dioshow. limbaugh, who interviewed Green over
the air. asked about the group!; intentions and
goalS. "We just hope to get our new state rec~ by Speaker Newt." said Green. "Dit-
tos. Rush." .
Green denied reports that one member of
the group was captured while downtown get
ting a Republican party elephant tatooed on
his forehead. He did remark, however. that
any future tatoos would be -scratched on with
a knife like real men get them." experience that I will always cherish. " Ford says
wistfully.
The vacation didn't last long however,
soon the gang ran out of money and the Mys
tery Machine was involved in an accident with
Grape Ape and his van.
"Sometime after that whole Grape Ape
thing. we just son of drifted apart. Fred went
to work back at that ski resort that was origi°'
nally haunted by the Abominable Snowman
He had a bad flashback at the 25th atmiver
sary of Woodstock though and he hasn't been
in touch lately. Velma went on to write those
Vampire books. and Daphne is now a librarian
in Scarsdale, New Jersey."
As for Ford. he went on to change his
name to Alexander and become the manager
o.f Josie and f.11~,~cats . fI~ .;llso went o.n19
drive talking dune~ bt:{ggy, S~ ·Suggr.· °He
then went on to college and life has been pretty
nonnal up to this point.
When asked if he and his friends from so
long ago have ever thought of reuniting to solve
crimes again. he remains ambivalent .
"Things are different now. since we sent
Scooby to live with Dyn3mut and ScraPPY. I
just can't imagine sitting in the back of the van
enjoying a huge sandwich without him. It
would take a lot of things to get me to lead that
kind of life again."
One can only help wonderifhe would do
it for Scooby Snack at least.
REAl.
NEWS
CASINO
NIGHT '95
Ten free Kaady car washes. -Tons
of gift certificates . A stereo. What do
all of these things have in common?
They are all prizes one could win by
attending Casino Night 1995 at 8 p.m.
on Friday, March 31 in Stamm Dining
Han.
The theme for Casino Night 1995
centers around the glitz and glamour
of Us Vegas in the 19405. With the
goal of having a se:mi-fonnal event. the
organizers are encouraging students to
"dress to the nines." Those who do so
will win an extra $10.000 'at the Ca
sino Night door. in addition to the
$10.000 they receive j~ for attend
ing. Admission to Casino Night 1995
is free.
Big band jazz and swingmusic will
be Piped over the gambling tables as
,students. try' to··wm Casino :€ash.:b}t
playing Blackjack. Bingo and other
games. This "cash" can then be turned
in for $5.000 rafDe tickets for the grand
rafDe at the end of the evening. Rame
prizes. which have been donated and
purchased locally. range from smaller
prizes like gift certificates and rolls of
quarters to large ones like a Discman
or Tv. In addition to the large rafDe at
the end of the evening. there will be
raffles throughout the evening to give
away the smaller prizes. ~ ___ th.e.Pi.·o.ne.er_Log_-_S.a.tu.Y<.d .. ae.,.A .. p.n.·l.3.,.1.9.9.S ______ l'J EWS Page 5
Michael Ford goes green, attempts to save tree
by Sean leMoine
Dean of Students and Director of Cam
pus life Michael Ford made an environmental
statement yesterday by chainlng himself to a
tree the campus arborists were attempting to
remove.
"You corporate greed-mongers ... the blood
of this majestic creature
will be on your hands!" chained to every potential victim of the saw by
the end of spring term. I've obtained personal
pennission to chain Chairman of the Board of
Trustees Robert Pamplin."
In an apparent gesture of solidarity; one
of the Watzek construction workers chained
himself to the front of his bulldozer. He de-
Ford is reported to have
yelled after attaching
himself.
Ford was later
joined by members of
OSPlRG. A sing-along
ensued, with Ford lead
ing a rousing rendition
of "Kum-Bay-Ya." "You corporate
greed-mongers .. .the
blood ·of this nied allegations
this stunt was per
formed to get an
other paid cofff~e
break.
As the Log
went to press, Ford
remained hooked
to the tree, main
taining his vigil.
Sounding nearlly'"
paranoid, Ford im
plored the campus
community to be
on the lookout for "I would just like to
thank jeff Shaw and the
Pioneer Wg for opening
my eyes," said Ford,
with tears in his eyes. majestic creature
will be on your
hands!l}
"1bat tree-spiking article inspired me to
break the chains of capitalist America and be
gin a new life as a monkeywrencher ."
The arborists maintained to the bent-out
of -shape administrator that the tree was dis
eased and needed to be removed. Ford began
using his free arm to pelt the arborists with
walnuts and pine cones; he had to be re
strained. a "Michael Ford
Impostor."
"They're trying to replace me with soml!
one who can be silenced ... another suit-wear
ing tool of the machine. I am going to remain
chained on lower campus for as long as need
be. If anyone sees this impostor- he'll be
dressed in a suit and tie, not the Earth First! t
shirt I have vowed to wear -don't trust him!
Hes not the real Michael Ford! And beat him
Ford maintained that the rest of the ad-with tree limbs if he tries to tell you otherwise!!"
ministrators were" ... with me in spirit on this The "Michael Ford Impostor" could not
issue. I fully expect to see a staff member be reached for comment.
Nominations for the
1995 Paul Barney Prize for
Contribution to Campus Life
are currently being accepted.
The recipient must demonstrate a love for
life, strong academic performance, intellec
tual curiosity, sense of humor, full participa
tion in in~ercollegiate athletics and residence
hall activities, and personal integrity.
The following is a.1ist of minimum require
ments for award nominees:
-3.00 G.P.A.
-1 year of participation in Varcity or JV athNominations are now being
accepted for the
Troy Ridenour Memorial
Award.
The recipient must possess the
potential for values and jubliant
spirit.
The recipjent must possess the
potential for academic success
and place a high value on edu-letics, -or "two years of in tramurals.
-2 years in the "L.C ,residence halls, and must cation.
have held a residence life position such as The student should be an active
R.A., or donn, manager ,.or a strong record of ~. ' .... · d/
participation in or leadership of residence lif~~ partIcIpant In communIty an or
activities.
Nomination forms are available in the
Chaplin's Office and should be returned to
the Chaplin's Office, Box 171.
Due: April 7, 1995 . school service and activities.
Applications are due:
April 5, 1995 I
.l~l1j[f~
.... ___ .p.ailg.e.6_ ;:.~AllTS .\J. ___________ .t.h.e.P.l.·O.niee.T.Loiii&.-_.S.a.tu.r.d.a iIIy,.AIllllllliP.n.·Z.1.,.2.0.0.4 ___ ...
Cabin Boy takes home top honors at Academy Awards
The 67th Annual Academy Awards held
Monday night were shaken up not just by David
Letterman 's on-target Lettennan for pulling off the impossible: initi
ating the first-ever write-in campaign among
the Academy's typically conservative 5,000
members, who as many know are usually a
stickler for any and all rules (Le. the e-.xclusion
of Red in the Best Foreign Film category and
Linda Fiorentino in
the Best Actress cat perfonnance as host
of the normally long
winded proceedings ,
but by the surprise
emergence of the
world-wide panned
film Cabin Boy as the
big winner at the cer
emony held in the
Shrine Pavillion in
Southern California .
Although critical
and commercial fa
vorites Forrest Gump
and Pulp Fiction had
been the early odds
on favorites to domi
nate such categories TIm Burton,
whose f"d Wood
took home two
awards, executive
produced Oabin
Day and thus
accepted the Best
rilm Oscar. egory for h(~r perfor
mance in The Last Se
duction). lettennan
acknowledged after
wards that: he was
unsure if the efforts
would payoff, but as
he said afterwards
(tongue-in-cheek,
surely): "What the
hell, CBS agreed to
pick up the tab on
sending out copies of
the film to the voters.
Now with its success,
they can buy the 1V
as Best Picture, Best
Director, and Best Actor, both were resigned to
only one award apiece (Gump for Best Visual
Effects and Pulp for Best Original Screenplay),
as Cabin Boy, a little seen cult favorite released
back in January of 1994, garnered the
Academy's Seal of Approvals throughout the
night.
What makes the film's triwnph all the more
sweet is the simple fact that is was not nomi
nated in any categories . Credit must go to add to the fall lineup." rights and have an
other new show to
In all, Cabin Boy picked up fiv'e awards,
including Best Adapted Screenplay (based, of
course, on star Chris Elliots autobiographical
account ofhis five months as first mate on a fish
ing vessel), Best Actor for Elliots visonary and
affecting perfonnance, Best Director for Adam
Resnick (who received his own tribute from
lettennan during the show, a delightful look at
the audition tapes for a role in the film that even-tually went to lettennan himselO and perhaps,
the biggest surprise of all, the award for Best Film.
Tim Bunon, whose Ed Wood took home
two awards, executive produced Cabin Boy and
thus accepted the Best Film Oscar. Dressed in
a smashing all-white ensemble, Bunon was vis
ibly moved and promised that his next project
would be the sequel to last summer's smash
The tittle Rascals. He also thanked the Acad
emy for seeing beneath the cultish exterior of
the film and to the hean that lies at its center:
''I'm just grateful that you people understand
what is so Significant about a tobacco-spitting
cupcake. Its not just a cheap laugh, it's an!"
Afterwards , the majority of the nominees
expressed satisfaction with the somewhat bi
zarre turn of events. First time nominees
Quentin '?:1rantino and Roben Zemeckis, who both lost to Resnick in the directing category,
took the loss in stride with Tarantino in par
ticular saying it was "so cool" that the Acad
emywent out on a limb. Tom Hanks, who had
been considered a shoo-in to repeat as Best
Actor also acknowledged that Eliot deselVed
the award: '1ust because I made it out of Bo
som Buddies and onto greater tlrings does not
mean all1V stars are so lucky. I am happy to
see Chriss talents getting the worldwide recog
nition they deserve.
Ironically, the star could not be there to
accept the award. He and his father, the Great
Bob Eliot were working on the screenplay for
Cabin Boy 2, set to begin filming in May. When
contacted about his win, he said it proved once
and for all "A guy in a monkey suit can get into
the Oscars. Thank you!" •
Carley to perform naked in Evans Lewis and Clark College
Students Organzed For Activities present.. ~
This Saturday, Aprill at 8 p.m.
in Evans Auditorium, percussionist
].]. Carley and a long list of cohorts
will explore the many ways that mu
sic can influence visual perception .
].]. calls the perfonnance a "collabo
rative cekbration of creativity and
artists" that mixes percussion with
an, dance, theater, storytelling, sign
language and photography.
].]. emphasizes that there are
many ways to make a listener think
about music, and he believes that
"visual interpretations can be taken
more personally than musical."
5MB's generous grant enabled
].]. to supply his artists with paints
and materials. In the lobby outside
the auditorium, there will be a dis
play by graffiti artist Sam Ritter, and
inside the auditorium, painter Matt
Simms will interpret a four-move
ment sonata played by J.J.
In one of the evenings pieces,
"A Multi-Colored Web," composed
by LC alum Erika Foin, Deborah
Greene will visually tell the story us
ing sign-language while Pad rice tells
the story orally. Jennifer Ritenburgh,
Evan Louden and Robert McIntosh
join].]. on percussion . Cami Carley
will interpret the piece through
movement.
J.]. will premiere a piece of his
own, called "Unshackling the Chains
of Rhythm," (or "Hittin' Stuff') in
cluding the electronic wizardry of
Lon Whittier. J.J. will perfonn naked,
so he asks that viewers sit as close to
the front as possible and wear the 3-
D goggles that guest music profes-''visual
interpretations
can be taken
more person
ally than
musical."
-J.J. Carley
photo by
Duncan Buttocks
sors will hand out in the lobby.
Creative movement is provided
by Moss Kaplan, Alex Moggridge,
Arika Stephan and Mary Spohr be
tween pieces. Ught design is by Hans
Nordstrom .].]. even pushes the pro
gram to take on a new and more vi
sual meaning, by letting designers
Sara Bernstein and Brenda Allen com
pose slide images that will be pro
jected on a large screen during the
perfonnance .
For ].]., the event is a culmina
tion ofhis philosophies on music and perfOlmance. He believes that "mu
Sic can-be more thought-provokirig"
when it is seen as well as heard, be
cause after all, "people watch." • MOUrl1lf1j t'
t.uesdo.,Y
r-_ , _ . Kp"'" -'--", C~~~S~
'.~ I ~ --
Free and Open to the Public
Show Starts at Noon Sharp
Sunday April 2, 1995
Stewart Lawn, Gate 6
Playing you favor
ite country hits!
All the hits from lIavis Tritt to Wmnona! , Donatl»d Prizl»s
Coca Cola-104 sqUl'l'Zl' bottll's
Fuddruckl'rs -$10 gift cl'rtificatl's
Coffl'l' BPan Inc.-A sl'll'ction of gourml't coffl'l'. hot cocos and tl'as
Big Bang-gift, cl'rtificatl'
Grand Cl'ntral Bowl-$180 bowling party
Packaging Storl'-1 $25 gift cl'rtificatl'
Bustl'r's B.B.O.-$15.00 gift cl'rtificatl'
Domino's Pizza-5 gift cl'rtificatl's for a largl' pizza. salad. and twisty brl'ad
McDonalds- onl' gift cl'rtificatl' for 4 pl'opll'. l'X. valul' ml'als
Coffl'l' Pl'opll' Inc-5 frl'l' lattl' gift cl'rtificatl'S
Icl' Chall't at Uoyd Cl'ntl'r-5 passl'S
Lazl'rport- 6 frl'l' passl'S
Kaady Car Washl's- 5 l'xtl'rior car washl's
Porltand Rock Gym: a frl'l' day pass
Safl' Shot: Gift Cl'rtificatl' for a $100 valul'
Roco's Pizza: A $50 gift cl'rtificatl'
Skidmorl' Skatl': Party of 12 frl'l' rl'ntal on wl'l'kday
Ultrazonl': Up to 30 frl'l' gaml' passl'S for play
Supl'rcuts: 6 frl'l' hair cuts
Pizza Hut: $100 in Pizza coupons
Sandy lanps: 12 frl'l' gaml'S of bowling
Rl'd Robin: Soml' gift cl'rtificatl's
LC. bookstorl': 2 SWl'a shirts. 1 shirt
Taco Bl'lI: 5 $5 gift cl'rtificatps
Wundl'r1and: 25 frl'l' admission passl'S for $50 valul'
Pappacino's Club Mudd cards $21S0 l'ach
Portland Spirit
Fril'nds of thl' Zoo-Onl' Zoo parl'nt Cl'rtificatl'
Adidas-Onl' sWl'atshirt
Nikl'-StiTI up in thl' air probably soml' shops
Round Tabll' Pizza-2 frl'l' pizza dinnl'rs
Stl'Vl'f1 Anthony's-frl'l' hairstyll' and vidl'o
Bon Appl'tit- ') frl'l' pizza's
Annil' Blooms- $10 gift cl'rtificatl'
Blockbustl'r Vidl'o-$10 gift cl'rtificatl'
Dava Bl'ad and Tradl'-$10 gift cl'rtificatl'
Kinko's copy Cl'ntl'r
Purchasl»d Prizl»s
R.CA 19 inch Color Tl'll'vision
NW Futon $200 Cl'rtiFicatl'
Sharp 3 CO Dual Cassl'ttl' Stl'rl'o
Sl'ga Gl'nl'sis
Big Hl'ad Todd and thl' Monstl'rs Concl'rt Tickl'ts (2)
RCA Discman
Jansport Backpack
Stun Kitl'
ll'd ll'plin CD Box S'l't
Ansl'l Adams Framl'd Print
Cordll'ss Phonl'
Gap Gift Cl'rtificatl' -$50
Eddil' Baul'r Gift Cl'rtificatl' -$50 Victoria's Sl'cn·t Cl'rtificatl' -$50
Koss Walkman
Suncoast Movil' Company Gift Cl'rtificatl' -$25
Windchiml'
Coll'man Propanl' StoVl'
Mancala Gaml'
Girl'dl'l1i Hot Chocolatl' and Mug
Girl'dl'l1i Chocolatl' Col1l'ction
Cribbagl' Board
Glow in thl' Dark Big Stars (2)
Tubs of Rl'd Vinl's (4)
Spsaml' Strl'l't T-shirt
Frisbl'l'
Ll'go Sl'ts (4)
Koosh Baskl'tbal1 Sl't
Swiss Army Pockl't Knifl'
Rain Stick
Big Box of Crayons
SiTIy Putty (2)
Taboo Gaml'
Outburst Gaml'
Chl'sS Gaml'
Baskl'tball
Disnl'Y Music Colll'ction COs
Forl'st Gump Soundtrack
lion Ki g V'dl'
Gift Cl'rtificatl' for Frl'd Ml'Yl'r
Casino Night would also lik~ to thank
Orl'gon Coast Aquarium- four frl'l' passl'S for admission
OMS 1-Two gl'nl'ral admission passl'~
Maryhill MUSl'um of Art-4 admission passps to Sl'l' thl' Musl'um of Art
Fril'nds of thl' Zoo-Zoo Parl'nt Cl'rtiFicatl'
Stl'Vl'n Anthony's: Cl'rtificatl' for frl'l' hairstyll' and vidl'o
Nl'wport Bay: $20 gift cl'rtificatl' ~ ____ p_a~g~e_8_-. ar~-S~2,AE~1,1995
Gimp advises PiG Log to take low
road, support Mighty Mouse
to the Editor,
So many writers have said it, in so many ways.
Eazy-E, on Eazy Does It, boasted: "I got bitches, bitches
galore. You got bitches, but I got more." friends and I are wondering what color the sky is in Chapman's
world. First of all, Superman and Mighty Mouse exist in sepa
rate comic book/canotOn realities. Secondly all the magrrificent
rodent would need to do is yank out some
Uke Eazy, we too are faced with "great
arguments" like the debate over censorship,
or the continuing role of nosy, hypercritical
editors in campus publications . ThatS why
I was surprised to see the editors publish
ing Gene Chapmans letter in the Pioneer Log Stick tongue
here Krypotonite and the Man of Steel is dust.
So Mr. Chapman, before you ask my
friends at the Log to censor the very people
that they are asking questions of, perhaps
you should pick up an issue of Action Com-
(March 17).
If I had been editor, I would have edited Gene Chapmans
remarks to read: "Journalism, at whatever level, has a solemn
obligation to at least try to raise the level of... people'S ... ability to
communicate ... using either vulgarity or profanity." We, as sec
ond graders are learning all about the constitution in ou r class. I
believe that Mr. Chapman is completely wrong when he states
that Superman could beat Mighty Mouse. No way in hell! My ics.
Until then perhaps you should check out a copy of the Re
ality Times that's the way some people talk. I would in fact be
willing to bet that more people talk like Mr. Lehrkind than like
John Milton so neener neener. So suck your toe all the way to
Mexico and while you're there don't forget to buy :nore under-
wear.
-Francis "Cheech" Gimp
2nd grade, Friendly Forest Elementary
Give him $ 5, he'll kiss your ass too
to the Editor,
Although I hate to admit it, I love the administration and
everything that they do. I breathlessly wait for the sun to rise
once more above the minds of those fair men and women who
are guiding our bastion of learning toward KLC should enjoy the fact that they even continue to draw
breath here on this campus" If the divine powers that run~s
college were the ogres that they have been portrayed as, the
pests that infest the space under the council chambers would
ltlave been exterminated long ago. They
the 21st century
Sure, slavish devotion is viewed with
a certain skepticism among my fellow stu
dents. Frankly I really don't care. All my
human needs have been replaced, nay tran
scended, by my overwhelming adoration Your friend.ls
tongue here should thank their lucky stars they exist at
all, yet they continue to complain their voice
no longer counts for anything. Of course it
doesn't count. Why should it? It's not as if
we students have anything to do with the
mnning of this college anyway. All we as
students need to do is feast on the scraps of
manna that the administration so kindly drops for us, for we are
nothing but dogs.
-EU,gene Pamplin VIII Concerned student of the administration. It is folly for the students to question the
motives of the administration, for they have truly been ordained
by the heavens and their will is perfection incarnate. How dare
we as students question our beuers? We are the worms that
devour the soil that they tread on, and in my pseudopodia! opin
ion we should be treated no better.
~E(oc'V &$Ea~(j TpUJlaY . . :and rnistakes, we've made a few. ..
Following the immense popularity of last year's
Sacajtwea~ Voice anicle on the "Ten Worst Professors on
Campus", the administration has practically demanded a
follow up for this year's crop of teachers. Unfonunately.
Sac~ Voice no longer exists, so its up to the Log to carry on
the tradition. FollOwing is the list of the current ten worst
professors on campus. This ones for you, Yui!
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1. Avo P£l.l.£I.I.IkP 1C1.00. ~LVK ",oup OilaA.'tl.VE.
The staff of the "newspaper" wishes to take this op
ptOnunity to say that this issue is not meant to be taken
even remotely seriously. Give this weeks edition even
less credence than you would usually give the Log. We
wish to make this explicit so that people like Michael
Ford. carmot sue us. If you are offended by anything that
appears in this issue, then we have done our job in ap
palling you. If you are litigiously disgruntled, however,
please contact our cheru1>-like co-editor-in<hief, Corinna
Bucholz. Or you could have a sense of humor about
yourself and let us all have a little fun. God bless you all but we did it our way, so bollocks to you
gentle readers,
The Pioneer Log has, in recent months, been striving to raise
its level of journalistiic integrity. Those who have read the Log
will probably agree tltlat we have nowhere to go but up.
Well, we would like to stan here by correcting some of the
mistakes we have made in recent issues, and retract any remarks
that may have been misunderstood. We do this not just be
cause we are concerned with the medias responsibility to prop
erly inform the peoplle, but also because we care about you, the
reader. We love you"
Mar. 10: A front page headline used the tarn "prospies",
intended to refer to prospective students at LC. It was brought
to our attention that this was an unfamiliar term to most people.
Mar 3: In the News Briefs, Andrea Beringer was miStak
enly referred to as "Angela".
Mar. 3: A story was printed that stated that the water sup
ply had been tainted by lethal doses of pachouli and that we
were all destined for:a slow, but certain death. This was a typo.
The word should have been spelled "patchouli" .
Feb. 24: An anIcle about the proposal to move KLC was
run in this issue. Objectively, there were no errors in this piece.
However, in discussilllg the nuances of the decision making pro
cess, we inadvenentl ly implied that the students' opinion held
some degree of influence with the administration. We apolo
gize for misleading our. readers. ,~
Feb. 24: A prol5le on Michael Mooney stated that he in
tends to resign at the end of this year to follow the Grateful
Dead full time. He is actually leaving to play guitar for the Red
Hot Chili Peppers.
Feb. 24: The ~g reptOned in a front page headline that the
campus had been infllltrated by giant, mutant, carnivorous bun
nies, intent on maiming and tonurmgthe weak among us, leav
ing only a weary, gaunt few to mine the Xanthan Gum reserves
buried deep beneath the Forest Residence Hall buildings. Un
fortunately, we neglected to find out whether there was a source
for this rumor. Thel1e. wasn't. We regret any confusion .
Feb. 17: We p1l1blished a story today claiming that Ger
many had declared war on the U.S. and that we would surely be
pulled into the next world war. While not technically errone--ous, this story was over 50 years old, and probably not news
wonhy. In the logS defense, things get a little crazy around
deadline time here.
Feb. 10: We reponed that God had manifested himself on
eanh, and declared that all were condemned to a hoary, ever
lasting torment in Hell unless they worshipped him as the only
true religious text, the Koran, dictated. We neglected to men
tion that we heard this from a gentleman named "Stuckey", who
wore a dead cat around his neck and rhythmically vomited when
he wasn't harassing us and our fellow Tri-Met patrons at the bus
stop.
Feb. 3: We ran a story claiming that the Platt-Howard Resi
dence Hall would be relocated by the administration into the
nearby ravine, so all of the residents of the buildings could live
in the filth and mud like the savage s\vine they are. This was a
mistake. We meant to say that the Platt-Howard Residence Hall
should be relocated by the administration into the nearby ra
vine, so all of the residents of the buildings could live in the filth
and mud like the savage swine they are. We also meant to use
the word "Mongoloid" somewhere in the anicle. We regret the
error.
Jan. 27: One of our stories claimed that lewis 1St. Clark had
been bought out by an outside interest and would be renamed
the "Nonhwest Hasidic Klown Kollege and Rabbinical Training
. Center~. There,was no mistake in this one .. We just made it up.
Jan. 27: . Ten of our twelve pages in this issue were not
wriuen by Log staffers. They were not even actual news. The
text on these pages was simply a collection of Xerox copies from
recent editions of TV Guide, Tiger Beat, and Cram magazines .
We regret the error.
-Your Wg buddies
Feisty grandma opens beer
bottles w/empty e~~!:,~ When you p'sss this
multiple-choice · exam,
we give you $400.
D Plymouth Neon Coupe
D Plymouth Neon 4-Door
This may be the easiest exam you've ever taken: There's no wrong answer. With Plymouth's Extra Credit
program, when you buy or lease any of these clever ideas from your Plymouth dealer-a hot Neon four-door,
the Neon Coupe, or an even hotter, 150 peak-horsepower Neon Sport Coupe-before you graduate or within
six months after graduation, we'll send you back a check for $400~ And that's a lot of extra value on what is
already a well-stocked set of wheels-one with cab-folrward design, acres of interior space, driver and front
passenger air bags,t standard, and available anti-lock brakes.
And if you want, we can stack this great deal on top of another idea from Plymouth: the 6/24 love It or leave
It Lease-the lease that lets you change your mind. Lease lony new Plymouth for 24 months-and if you change your
mind about it( brj~9 ' it. back in six months. (Your dealer's, got all the details and restrictions; check them out.)
Neon four-door, Neon Coupe, Neon Sport Coupe: The friendliest and smartest cars on campus.
Some teSt-lh~~~~:one clever idea after another. G
'Offer is QOOd on ony new 1994, 1995 or 1996 Plymouth Neon vehicle ond ends IDecember 31, 1995. 1994 model eligibility may end prior to December 31, 1995.
See dealer for complele de!oils, eligibility requiremen~ ond exclusions. $400 bonus is not available wilh ony olher private offer. t Always wear your seat belt.
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~ ___ .P.allig.e_1.0-: .~ .. \~ •. ~ •..•... K~ the Pioneer's hairy Lo§ -Saturday, April 1, 1995
Pia beer team drink foes under the table
by Al Coholic
They are the few, the proud, the
inebriated . They drink more by 7 am
than most people drink all day. Most
of their hard work goes unnoticed .
and unappreciated, they are Lewis
Est darks beer drinking team.
This elite squad of gifted ath
letes is composed of six young men.
You won't find them just anywhere,
most of the teams matches take place
in the seClusion of a private home,
or in the rowdy atmosphere of some
of Portland's best known bars. De
spite being relatively young (5 of the
6 members are actually under 21),
the team is rich in experience and
raw talent. LC finished with an im
pressive15-5 record last season and
went undefeated at home, going 15-
O. The record was good enough to
capture the league title and secure
the Pios a playoff birth. LC won its
first three matches in the post sea
son tournament before being
knocked off by a tough brewer team
from the University of Milwaukee .
The brewers then went on to cap
ture the national championship .
Team captain Bon Mcdintock
is very enthusiastic about this year's
squad and is confident that they have
a legitimate shot at nationals this
year. "We're pumped and ready!" comments McClintock . "We fee1like
we're ready to tap into our true p0-
tential." With 4 returning lettermen
the Pios do appear to be primed for
national contention . The rest of the
spots will be filled by a few very tal
ented recruits including Franz
Broeker, an exchange student from
Munich who should be a potent of
fensive threat in the unlimited
weight class.
For those of you who might be
unfamiliar with inter-collegient beer
drinking, matches are composed of
four basic events:
l. Singles chug off. (each team
member goes head to head with an
opponent of his corresponding
weight class)
1. Various beer games. (these
vary with every match and are a rea
son why beer matches are always
unique and exciting)
3. Singles beer bong. (self ex
planatory)
4. Six man team chug off relay.
(teams go head to head in this often
match deciding relay)
Broeker is expected to start at
anchor and should be able to give
the pios the added kick they need at
the end of their matches. Red-shirt
freshman Barney Gumble is also ex
pected to contribute substantially.
IlSS-'
Get it straight from the Log's
favorite felon
Hey all you little fucks out there
in Pioneer country and welcome to
another shitty weak here on Pile-o
shit -tine Hill.
Well, I haven't got a god damn
thing to tell you this week because I
just lost my job and my X-wifes
husband beat me into oblivion yes
terday; but what can you do?
I will however teach you a les
son about life. First of all1ife sucks.
All this babble about T.G.I.E, that!;
all a bunch ofhcrse-crap . I'd rather
hear "It's judgement day and
everyones invited!" That's a party
rd like to go to.
You're better off just tying
mom!; umbilical chord around your
throat day one and end the show.
Maybe I'm being a bit negative, so
for all of you "Its half full" fools out
there, you can just lick my sack.
But I guess the best words of
wisdom I can give you is to live alone
andtrustnoone . Thedayyoustart
loving people and getting all warm
and fuzzy is also the time to go buy
a gun and brush your teath with it.
My favorite movie is Natural
Born Killers and I've seen it 84 times.
If you ask me this movie says it all.
If someone gives you a hard time,
then its your obligation to light em
up! Plus \\body looked bitchin in that shaved head.
Regatdless, its your right, no, it!;
your obligation to step on the weaker
guy and take advantage of the eld
erly.
The key point I'm trying to get
across is to look out for old number
one. If yournot looking out for your
self, then who will? Mommy and
Daddy aren't going to be around to
dab your eyes with tissue and change
your diapers for you when you shit
your pants. You've got to be strong
and focus on your skills.
Become your own man or
woman for that matter and the rule
still applies; if someone gives you
flack, cap 'em one in the gut (they
die slower and the pain is just out of
this world).
Don't end up like me. Heed my
words and you might just have a
chance in this fast food M1V alter
native unplugged crack smoker
Ernest goes to Hell fight the power
Eazy E. world. Until next week you
might see my face on the wall in the
post office or maybe I1l try to out do
one of those sissy disgruntled postal
workers, they really don't know how
to kill in mass quantinies like I can.
So catch ya later and say a
prayer for your favorite uncle behind
bars. + Top Ten Put-downs
Turned PC (politically
correct).
10. Overweight : One is
stricken with "big butt
depression . "
9-. Ugly: One has
achieved a high level of
"bung-hole looks."
8. Stupid: One is
dermed with a case of "lnter
familial breading ."
7. Bald: One has been
placed on "Follicle Restric-
tion."
6. Smelly: Ones body
is laden with "Pig dump."
5. Poor: One is a "Top
ramen connysewer ."
4. Hairy: One is simply
"Ultra pubic ."
Gumble decided to sit out last year
because 'of a recurring sickness pro!>.
lem. "When he:s on his game, he is
one of our most prominent drink
ers. Gumble is the keystone, if he is
able to keep his liquor down then
we are going to be tough to beat!"
added },(cdiIitock. LCs first regular season match
is this weekend against Vkstern Bap
tist. The Pios will be at home. Swill
ing time will begin at 7 pm. So be
sure to show up and give them the
support that they so richly deserve .
Remember to bring your beer
goggles, and keep hope alive. + 3. Short: One is
regarded as a "Stump
impersonator . "
2. Geeky: One is
considered " fuzzy boot
man."
1. Snobby: One suffers
from a "Melrose complex ."
Whats Hot! Whats Not!?-
Thin sideburns
Previously owned clothes
Tom Hanks
Professional tattoos
Having "coffee"
Kramer
94.7
Daisy Dukes
Taking Showers
Green Day
Michael Jordan
Men not afraid to cry
Pulp FIction
VJ Daisy Fuentes Braided Goatees
Previously owned underwear
Pauley Shore
Genital piercing
"Cruising"
Geraldo
KWlJ
Rikki Lake wearing Daisy Dukes
Taking showers with Rikki ,Lake
Tag Team
Orlando Woolridge
Tears For Fears
Crooklyn
VJ Kennedy
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Diamond &. Ott combine forces, explode for 100 points
by Burns Fisher
Barn burner plain and simple.
The Pioneer Log held its annual
battle of the editors basketball game
this past Wednesday night in
Pamplin Sports Complex. Jamie Dia
mond broke into the score column
in an impressive way as he threw
down a monstrous two-handed jam
over a cowering Joe Greenman . This
sparked the LDg's team and the rest
of the players followed suite by add
ing to an offensive barrage that
would be deemed respectable by
Michael Jordan himself. Three min
utes later Marni Handley carne of the
bench to tear cord from well beyond
the three point an: giving the Log a
21 -7 advantage .
Team Captain Corinna
Buchholz continued her strong in
side play and Jeff Shaw was almost
unstoppable in the key. Chris Ott
demonstra ted superior out side
shooting by knocking down 7 three
pointers.
Just when it seemed that the
Pios had the game well in hand the
Pioneers surged right back and tied
the game at 50 all early in the sec
ond period. Greenman found his .
comfort zone over by the half court
line and put on a long range show.
His 45 foot heaves gave the Pioneers
a 25 point lead midway through the
second half and with this outburst
the very nets had to be changed due
to overheating. drove left, he drove right, basically
he did anything he wanted and
more. Grossman was unstoppable
and his 360 reverse dunk over
Photo phenom Kevin Kooleywould
make any sport center highlight
film.
The teams went in CI.t halftime
with the score knotted at 81' all.
When aske'; about his amazing play
Grossman simply responded with a
smirk and," When your this good,
good things are bound to happen."
For the second half, Ott
dawned a red headband which for
him always means all business. Ott
stole the opening inbounds pass and
went the length of the court. Ott!:;
three-point line dunk brought the
crowd to its feet and brought new
life to the Pioneers attack.
Diamond answered right back
with a 3/4 court dunk of his own
which seemed physically impos
sible: Then with 3.7 seconds left to
go in the game, Ben Harfst found
the ball in his hands down by two
points. Harfst qUickly glanced to
his great-grandmother high up in
the stands and let a 92 foot last sec
ond desperation heave fly. The ball
curved, the ball knuckled, the ball
ripped the basket a new hole.
The Shriners paraplegic mens
team all leaped to their feet for the
first time in 15 years to celebrate the
occasion. Dude,
SpreewellS
fresh!
Jamie
Diamond
throws down
hard on Joe
Greenm~n in
the 28th 'UlIl1l1>f' -'
Log basketball
game.
Photo by However, the Pios were not to
be outdone. With the score 75-50,
the Pios looked to sophomore sen
sation Joe Grossman . Grossman
took control of the sputtering Pio
offense and began to dominate. He The victory put the Pioneers up
15-13 for the-all time series record.
All scorers were led by Grossman's
63 points and 40 rebounds to go
along with 34 assists and 25.3 steals.
Great job to all the players and hope
to see everyone again next year. + K~Mom~lL-~~~~--~------ ____ ~~ __ ~~~~ __ ~~~~~~~~~~~
The Pioneer Log's Bap Boys scarf down incidental fees like their going out of style. Phot<l, by Ivana TInkle Lacrosse Article
by Seymour Butts
Jake Chatters intercepted a Paul
Gait pass and scored a fast break
longstick goal 38 seconds into over
time to lift the 11th-ranked Lewis
and Clark men's lacrosse team to a
7-6 upset victory over Syracuse
Monday at College Park, Maryland.
LC held the potent Orangeman
offense in check through most of the
game and killed all but one of
Syracuse's man-up opportunities,
but never led before Chatters
bounced the game-winning shot
into the top left corner in sudden
death.
The Pios had rallied from a 4-1
halftime deficit to tie it at 5-5 mid
way through the fourth quarter
when goalie Jason Zanon saved a
Gait quick-stick shot and raced the
other way with the ball.
Wary after Zanon's spectacu
lar second-quatter goal, the de-
-fense slid to cover him as he
crossed the restraining line, leav
ing Scott Steele open on the crease
for the equalizer.
But Syracuse got the lead
back moments later, and held the
tenuous 6-5 edge until].]. Carley
drove from behind the goal and
fed Josh Norman cutting across
the hole for a buzzer-beating left
handed score.
After struggling in the first half
while the Orangemen dominated
possession, Lewis and Clark outscored Syracuse 3-1 in the third
quarter to get back into the game.
The ESPN crew covering the
contest awarded game MVP honors
to midfielder "Magic" Manu, who
notched his first career hat trick.
Pio coach Kevin Burke offered
a mixed assessment of the game.
'We're glad for the win, obvi
ously, but we were lucky to get it,"
Burke said. "Our clears stunk and
we didn't run our offense. If not for
that, we could've won by 10."
Burke credited the defensive
unit for keeping the game within
reach.
"Syracuse almost blew it open
in the second quarter, butJake and
the Matts [Harrington and Sims]
kept us in it"
LC players, however, were
nothing short of jubilant follOwing
their second consecutive victory
over a ranked Division 1 team.
"We played like ass, but the
Orangement still went home nos
ersl," said one player.
"We probably didn't look as
good as we did against Willamette
or Princeton, but this was still a huge
win for us," agreed middie Matt
Belkin.
The 4-1 Pioneers return home
Sunday against \Vy'East. The Port
land club team, which includes a
number of LC alumni, got its first
victory of the season Friday against
the Victoria Waxmen. + --I • 1224
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New four year residency requirement
rrlr's terrible. I"m
cIa ustrophobic.
I don"t know what
I"m gOing to do
when they move
two other people into
my double room.
Where am I gOing
to sleep,
under the bed?}}
-Rosanne Scott -
by Anissa Beasley
Lewis &: dark has recently revoked the two
year residency requirement and implemented a
four year requirement. As of next school year all
students must live on campus for their entire LC
career.
When asked why this new rule was
implemented, LC administration said it will create Andy, member of Copeland dorm council, prepares for his new living space. Every available space will be converted into bed space
as a result of the new four year resident requirement. photo by Blythe Gage
Administrators are very concerned about the
current lack of community and believe this is the only way
to create a strong bond among students.
The administration also said this residency requirement
will reduce the parking problem. They believe that with all
students on campus no one will have a real necessity for a
car. The only exception to the new requirement is the small
percent of students living at hOime. Students that live with
their families will be allowed to live off campus and commute
to LC under this new rule. However, they must complete a
20 page application form explalining in detail why living at
home is an absolute necessity. constructed using the architecture plans from Platt-Howard .
LC students are outraged by this new residency
requirement. Many think its absurd and in no way feasible.
Freshman Rosanne Scott says, "It's terrible. I'm
claustrophobic . I don't know what I'm going to do when
they move two other people into my double room. Where
am I going to sleep, under the bed?" This four year residency requirement came about when
Michael Ford, dean of students and director of Campus Ufe,
decided we need a stronger sense of student community .
The requirement was approved by the Budget Committee ,
Campus Housing Committee, and ASLC. Then the
Residency Requirement Creating Commun ity (RRCC) board
was created to deal with this issue. RRCC is looking into on-campus hOUSing options for
next year. It has not yet decided where the approximate
2,SOO students will live. One possibility is housing three.
students in all of the double rooms and two students in all
of the Singles.
LC is also looking into building a new residence hall on
lower campus. To lower buildilllg costs this new hall will be A petition with over 1,200 student signatures has been
presented to the administration . Also an informal student
poll was conducted in which over 75 percent of students
and faculty strongly disagreed with the new residency
requirement. However, the RRCC refuses to take student
opinion into consideration. •
Lavigne resigns, Rochester appointed as ASLC president
by Somone Else
Gordon Lavigne, crushed by the Pioneer
Log~ revelations of the stuffed ballots, re
signed during spring break. He was afraid
that he did not legitimately win last years
election. "I thought everything was a joke
until I read my diary from last year," said
Lavigne.
In Lavigne's place, Josh Rochester, LC
junior, was unanimously voted' the interim
ASLC president. Rochester ' is'~iie bf the two
students who admitted to' s~ffl.ng \he bal
lots. He is reportedly not surprised by the
nomination. "I planned this all alo~i he says
on the phone from his spring break in Las
Vegas. The ASLC council is content with
the development. "His tricky 'and sneaky
way of handling events is exactly what we
Editorial need to manipulate the administration " says
an ASLC board member.
Cory Curtis, ASLC president to be, is
happy with the interim president . He hopes
to convince Rochester to stay as vice-presi
dent next year. "I count on Rochester to be
my right hand man" says Curtis. Some, that
saw Rochester luring behind the ballot boxes
during this election, allege that he already
is.
The first action the interim president
will take is arranging a hunger strike out
side KLC, featuring students on the Bon
Appetite meal plan. "Freshmen 15 will be a
thing of the past" says Rochester and prom
ises that slim LC students will be a power
ful promotion source. Jean Kempe-Ware at .
Public Relations is hesitant to agree. "Fresh-men 15 is the best thing about college, and
I doubt that a strike would enhance the
learning experience . And what would the
alumni think?" says Kempe-Ware.
Rochester also promises a grand prize -
"Dine with the president" (sponsored by
SOFA) to any of the strike participants that
fully understand the KLC controversy.
Wild rumors are in circulation, and so
far many have incorrectly guessed that the
KLC move has to do with the faculty jacuzzi
currently being built. Others believe that the
move is all about money. The enormous
demand for KLC and the 97% of the stu
dent body that listens have created interest
from several national broadcast corpora
tions.
Rochester is also about to award the Pio-neer Log with a prize for itS extensive cover
age. The staff rejected the prize. "We are sim
ply publishing what we find in peoples gar
bage cans," said Corinna Buchholz, Co-Edi
tor-in-Chief. Buchholz also explained that
praise given to the Log for its extensive cov
erage of opposing views is unnecessary. 'We
do anything to fill up blank space" she said,
and referring to letters written by Michael
Ford, dean of students and director of cam
pus life.
The administration has expressed grave
concerns with the nomination of Rochester
and have already begun digging up old Peer
Review Board records. "There's gotta be
something [about Rochester)" says Ford.
Rochester denies the existence of any files
of illegal conduct on his part. •
News Features Entertairrnent Sports
if there's anything really
important to let people
know of within this section,
let it be said here.
-Page:3-if there's anything really
important to let people
know of within this section,
let it be said here.
-Page5-if theres anything really
important to let people
know of within this section,
let it be said here.
-Page7-if there's anything really
important to let people
know of within this section,
let it be said here.
-Page9-if there's anything real1y
important to let people
know of within this section,
let it be said here.
-Page 11-.---p.a.g
lile.2-".N!:vVS:1I:; _______ .... t.h.e.P.io.n.e.e.T.L.oj§.- .... Siiiidtu .. Td.a.y.,.AiPiin.·liil.,_li9i9.5 __ ~
Students Protest New
Toilet Paper
The Administration has recently re
placed the James River Toilet Paper in the
donns with Channin (as in don't squeeze
the).
The Toilet Paper Replacing Cornntittee
(TPRC) made the decision to switch to
Channin after they received complaints from
students that the paper was tearing when they
tried to use it.
Several students have written letters to
the TPRC demanding the restitution of the
James River brand, stating that student in
put was not taken into consideration when
the decision was made.
The head of the TPRC, Donald Madson,
said they are only trying to get the best paper
to the most students (or the longest time.
Big boy to Adorn Lower
Campus
lower·campus will be closed down from
Sept., 1995 through June, 1997 so that the
next major construction project can be car
ried out as planned. During this 22-month
period, a 45-foot replica of the Big Boy mas
cot will be erected in the Albany quadrangle,
where the family-restaurant representative
can be seen and cherished in all his un
abashed glory.
The next project will be a new Philoso
phy building to be located at the Big BoyS
feet, so that the philosophers can debate the
existence of an inexpensive, quality meal for
the whole family.
Nude Shriner Dance
Company
The critically acclaimed and world re
nowned NudeShriners Dance Company will
be. coming 10 lewis & [Jark !O perform at
the unveiling of the Big Boy Statute.
As part of the ceremonies to be. held on
lower cam pus they will be perfonning a piece
choreographed by the Grand Poobah of the
Columbia Gorge Lodge. The perfonnance
will be at 2:00 on Saturday April 7 rain or
shine.
Reflecting pool to be
replaced
As part of the campus wide construc
tion the reflecting pool is going to be replaced
with a fluid wrestling complex. The admin
istration hopes this will give lower campus a
more student feel. The wrestling will give
students something to come together for cre
ating more community. by Frosty Bob Glick, LC crime hound
To our readership: For April Fools Day,
the entire Crime Beat has been fabrilcated,
as opposed to the standard practice of
making up only one or two entries each
week. Remember : Nothing you read here
is to be taken seriously as everything in this
column is an absolute, bald-faced, un
qualified lie, including this sentence .
March 21: A sophomore was spotted
outside of Spruce Hall acting in a respect
able, civihz~d manner and with a positive,
optimistic outlook on life. Fellow students
promptly alerted Campus Safety, who in
tervened, issuing him a goatee and a Nine
fncn Nilifs CD. He is now typicaffy cyni
cal and surly just like the rest of you illit
erate goons. A report was taken.
March 24: The Ouija board used by
the administration in making all major de
cisions was reported missing this day. For
a while, the administration considered uti
lizing a coalition of informed students and
faculty members to cooperate on creating
policy until the device was found, but for-tunately, a temporary substitute was brought
in. When asked if the use of his Magic 8-
Ball would change the way campus policy
is established, Michael Ford responded, "It
does not seem likely at this time."
March 26: The degree of chaos in the
universe was found to be decreasing, par
ticularly in one spot on lower campus.
Campus Safety was called and restored the
appropriate entropy. No suspects have been
found, but anyone providing information
leading to the apprehenSion and conviction
of those involved will receive a free pierc
ing. A report was taken.
March 28: At about 10:30 pm, Cam
pus Safety received a call supposedly from
an editor at the Log, reporting that the
newspaper's offices had ree.t:' .hro.l!e.tl j.lJ!O.
Several items were supposedly stolen,
among them a hot-glue gun, an autographed
8x10 glossy of Gordon Lavigne, the Log's
sense of objectivity, and the secret list the
newspaper keeps of everyone at LC who is
gay. This burglary was later discovered to
be a hoax, when a Campus Safety officer
pointed out that the Log never had any ob
jectivity. A report was taken.
March 29: Yet another student was "found whining about the oppression he
experiences at the hands of the school,
the administration, Campus Safety, etc.
As a result, he was soundly beaten with
his own bong by several members of the
LC community, and I think we are a bet
ter society for it.
March 30: Sophomore Jerry
Holloway was convicted on multiple
charges, including dealing heroin to
handicapped children, stealing artificial
limbs from amputees, taunting nuns, and
several counts of uncle abuse. It's about
time we got swine like him off the streets.
God bless the U.S.A.
March 31: I scrawled some rather
bawdy haiku into a desk in Bodine today
with my mechanical pencil. I just
thought 1 should come clean.
April 2: On Sunday at 10:45 pm, se
nior Erich Paetsch was arrested for at
tempting to assault several Campus Safety
officers with a sawed-off garden weasel,
all the while invoking archaic curses in
pirate vernacular . A report was taken.
(yes, this incident is reported to hap
pen tomorrow . I hope you're reading this
Erich. Don't make a liar out of me.)
Campus
Safety
Budget
slashed ....
but not as
much as
the Logs Cardboard cutouts
sent to patrol campus
Cardboard
Cutouts better by Qint Greenwood
Due to president Mooneys recent indiscretions , as illustrated in
this issue of the Pio Log, Lewis & Oark college has been forced to
make many painful cuts. Most heavily hit will be the controversial
Campus Safety department. It has been speculated that Campus Safety's
budget for next year will be cut in half.
Gunpus Siifety head Sammy Hunter simply known as "The
Hunter" for his dog catching explOits, has recently decried the cuts
and given apocalyptic warnings about what life at LC would be. like
without a fully funded safety force. He recently said in an interview,
"Do you want this to be a school of pot smoking hippies, I really don't
think so? We at Campu~ ' Safety have served a vital role in stopping
this from becoming reality. Whenever we or any student have smelled
any marijuana fumes we have immediately called the Portland Police
and had them arrested regardless .
Opinion on a decreased Campus Safety force is mixed however.
LC professor of criminology Rhonda King has recently suggested in
novative law enforcement solutions for the LC community. She has
suggested that LC students aren't unlike crows and many card board
cutouts of campus safety officers would serve as scarecrows for crime.
Said King, "The current Campus Safety force are about.as stationary
and useful as cardboard cutouts, we may as well actually use them."
When learning of these comments the Hunter simply sneered
and said, "King better not find herself being pulled over by campus
safety alone or we may find out the true reason she is a CriminolOgist. "
The complex will have two fluid wres
tling pits designed for mud, pudding, jello,
pie filling, tobacco juice, melted gummy
bears, and natural fertilizer. ";';;;~_ ~I deterrence of What the Hunter meant by this is unclear but it hasn't helped his
cause in attempting to restore his departments funding. Regardless of
these idle threats the cardboard cops idea has gained acceptance and
it is suspected that King may be working on cardboard administrators
for her next invention. The Log will make sure to keep you posted on
any possible development! * crime than safety
officers. _________ ....::::.. _____ --.1 photo by Mrianda Rites
Students
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1 to 1000 pounds, computers, stereos, TV's, bikes
Insured, custom packing • Boxes & supplies for sale
Shipping both domestic & international • MCNisa
8511 SW Terwilliger. 245·0811
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the Pioneer Log -Saturday, April 1, 1995 ._ .. r.~:~.l":A "{:~:~:!:~:~:.:r.~.~r.::~:. 'N.,!:r.:i,:[.:.:t.:i.f .. ;~ .• ~:~ .. ·.·.9:' •• <:~.'.':....... : '~':\./ '':',\:: "'<:"; . Page 3
...----------------------------.----- . ., "',< ,,'·~:"'·.·v.·.:: \j--JiJ' %,=w,;"..;:;:;l'
Mooney loses control of school in poker game
by Mami Handley
President Micheal Mooney lost
his power over the school to a Port
land business man in a recent mid
night poker game.
President X (he does not wish
his name to be mown until the offi
cial announcement) will be taking
over the school the second week in
April. a position in a college before, but I
love power and I love the thought
of having a institution to mold young
minds into conservative
fundementalists who aren't afraid to
sacrifice the environment in order to
aid capitalism," said President X.
Mooney is boking forward to a break from the stress of running the
school.
Presid~t X will begin by mak
ing some fundamental changes to
·the power strulcture of the school.
Although he is not exactly sure what
these changes a,re he would like to
see a more totalitarian system. Since a gambling game is an
inappropriate way for a college to
change hands, the school is trying
to cover up for the event by acting
like the school is being sold in a nor
mal transaction . Of course when
administrators were asked why
Mooney would sell the school they answered by saying his reasons are
not the concern of others.
President X will be introduced
to the staff and faculty at a special
meeting to be held on Monday April
3. A more formal introduction for
the entire campus community will
be held on Thursday, April 2. •
In order to celebrate spring
break Mooney held a dinner party
on March 18th in his penthouse
downt~ . After the party the rich
est guests were invited to play poker.
Mooney began the night with
an incredible winning streak.
"He was unstoppable . For a
while I thought he was counting
cards or using a marked deck," said
one of the players.
This winning streak resulted in
two things: getting Mooney's confi
dence up and making some of the
other players mad.
When Mooney finally started
losing he lost everything he started
with and everything he had won. In
a desperate attempt to win some
money back he convinced the other
players to let him use his position at
the college to bet and bluffed on a
nothing hand.
The winner of the hand will
soon be the new President of Lewis
& Clark college.
This is possible because mem
bers of the Board of Trustees were
present at the game and agreed to
make the change over happen.
"I will admitt I have never had Manor
House
symbol of
Colleges sale
Coldwell Banker
agent Charlene
Leslie will get credit
for a multi-million
doallar deal as the
agent handling the
sale of LC.
photo by Kevin Coolc:y
library construction changed to include·campus pub
by Anal Emmisions Showdown
Michael Ford revealed a new and im
proved libra?, plan this week; this one includes
a small pUb.. During study breaks, students
will now be able to get a beer in the pub that is
being placed in the newly constructed base
ment of the library.
Funding was qonated by the person who
recently made the monetary donation for the
Christmas lights. The only stipulation that
this anonymous person set forth. is one that
requires the name of the pub to be "The Res
ervoir."
Once the small establishments business gets under way, the college has guessed that
the pub will soon pay for itself, and may even
make money that the college will be able to
offer in the form of scholarships .
So far, no decision has been reached con
cerning what brands of beer will be on tap at
the pub. One popular suggestion among ad
ministrators in charge, has been that it only
sell beer that has been brewed at the many
fine micro breweries of the Northwest .
The administration has foreseen the way
this will look in the college brochures; it will
appear that students, rather than indulgmgjust
to indulge. will be getting a pleasant cultural experience that could only be found in the
Northwest
There will not be any sort of student vote
on the inclusion of the pub into the new base
ment of the library.
The sentiment among the administration
at Lewis & Clark is that, "students will just
have to live with it. And, if they don't want a
nice relaxing atmosphere where they can get a
fresh beer and maybe playa little pool, then
maybe they should think about why they are
in college ... ".
The Reservoir will be student run, and
will operate on the same hours that the library is currently open.
This means that there will be no activity
there on weekend nights. The reason for this
is that it has been proven over and over again,
how unhealthy it can bee to spend too much
time on campus during weekends .
Fortunately, if one is craving a beer or
maybe just a smoky atmosphere at three in
the morning after studying in the library, all
they will have to do is run downstairs .
As of right now, there is no proposal that
will allow students to use trail room points in
The Reservoir, but with a little coaxing and
action, who mows, it could happen. •
~ ~ What do you dUnk of cage free fertilized eQ~s?
"Personiilly 1 don't believe in
chickens. Yeah, theres all
this speculation about eanh
bound poultry, but thats
about as possible as that o
zone bull shit. That and
$1.25 wont get you a ride
on the bus."
Jamie ., 5th year
sophomore "1 don t eat eggs unless
they're from Blimpies in
Hanover Michigan,
cause they're the best
damn eggs ever."
Joy Harjo, junior "Its a Capitalist plot. Thats
what it is."
Helen Cladicott, lecturer
by Jenny Dener
and Kevin Cooley "1 dont know. What ever it
is its Gordons fault."
Todd Bums, free lance soft U A free range chicken ate my
mother when I was 5. It was
a really trnumatic experience.
So 1 don't eat them."
Spring Fanner, freshperson I
the Pioneer Log -Saturda • A Till, 1995
Zoinks!· Ford revs up the mystery machine
by Mortimer Harfst
The· Lewis & Clark community was
shocked to learn that Michael Ford is actually
70s icon-cum~etective Shaggy.
Although most often associated with ca
nine super-sleuth Scooby-Doo. Ford is quick
to remind people that Fred.Daphne and \\ilina
were also an integral part of the long-lived de
tective outfit
"They were great motivators" says Ford
excitedly. "whenever Scoob and I didn't want
to go into some scary. abandoned mine. they
would encourage us with Scooby snacks. Man
did those things taste like crap!"
When asked if he was at all suspicious
when Fred would offer to go with Daphne and
\e1ma, Ford is quick to point out that they were
a team and there wasn't any jealousy on·his.
part because there wasn't anything really go-rrl can.lt remeflnber how many times
we had to save the Globetrotter.ls
asses. But working with Batman and
Robin and Don Knotts is an experience
that I will always cherish. II
ing on between the platinum haired su.perstud
and the bespectacled yet bookishly auractive
Velma or the statuesque and scarfed goddess
Daphne.
"We were just a bunch of kids really, trav
eling the country solving crimes for all of our
relatives .. Making'maney for food. snalCks~d
gas for the Mystery Machine." After the gang ran out of relatives to solve
crimes for, they decided to ~vel for pure plea
sure. Many times the gang used their peculiar
talents to solve crimes while actually on vaca
tion.
"I can't remember how many times we had
t.o° save the Globetrotten asses:" But working'
with Batman aild Robin and Don Knotts is an
: i
[.I Scooby,
Scooby
Doo
who are
yOU?
Micheal Ford
finally gets in touch
w~h his youthful self,
substanciating
rumors that he was in
fact Scopby 000.
Administrators to hold extenlSive office hours
by OlUJo Schoenbag
Administralors have responded to a popu
lar Gallop poll, taken. by phone .(all polls are
non-scientific) last week and atmounced of
fice hours to be held weekly in the Trial Room
so that administrators will be easily accessible
to students. The first ten students each day
will be treated to lunch paid for directly by the
President's personal discretionary fund. What
a guy.
Biased students were randomly polled
only in Forest and Copeland Halls between the
hours of 12:00 and 2:00 am during spring
break by an acirr.inistrative mandated and run
poll to !'nsure accurate resu1lS. Students were
asked whether or not they felt they had ad
eqt·.ate access to their administrative and deci
siGn making body. The most common ~
elicited by students woken up was "Is this some kind of joke." followed closely by ''Hell no!"
All persons quoted have asked to remain
anonymous for fear of endangering thI!ir grade
in ultimate Frisbee.
The caring an compassionate administra
tion of Lewis &: dark quickly responded by
canceling a previously planned trip Hawaii and
other meetings and established offic:e hours
between 10:00 am and 2:90 pm. The first ten
students will be offered a free lunch.
One administrator. who asked to remain
anonymous but whose initials are similar to
those of a favorite junk food consumed by stu
dents on this campus said, '1 think this is a
great opportunity for the youngsters to get a
square meal as opposed to all that fungus they
eat and weed they smoke and get the issues off
their chest." He added. "The trail mom is a
fine establishment with a personal feel and unique atmosphere. its a place where the stu
dents have ownership of their surroundings
and I'm proud to support it."
When asked why the poll was even taken.
one administrator who has an office upstairs
said. "We felt it was high time we got in touch
with the real needs and desire of the students.
We got together and said to ourselves. 'how
can we, get in touch with all those peacenik
hippies and crunchies out there on the manor
house lawn who play guitar. throw Frisbees
and smoke pot at iunch?' We decided if we
couldn't beat them we ought to join them.
lbat~ how we divised the lunch hourI office
hours pla.,."
The administration will take daily rota
tions at the designated green booth in the trail
room. Keep your eye out for them. This is
neither an opportunity or a meal to be missed.
Conservatives seize Physical Plant buildings
by Sean LeMoine
Members of the Lewis &: Clark College
Young Conservatives club have taken over the
Physical Plant. Negotiations with the appar
/!l.t "leader." Reuben Green. ru.ve broken down.
"We plan to secede from the campus to
form our own capitalist paradise." said Green.
"We've got guns, ammunition. ten cases
of Henry's and all the records Hank Williams
ever put out." added first-year Ryan Thomas.
"We're never comin' out." On Man:h 29th. a group of Young Con
servatives dressed in Ronald Reagan masks in
vaded the manor house waving assault rifles
"that would have been banned by this liberal
administration. but we chose to libemte." said
Thomas.
Campus safety officer Benny Janez was
taken hostage during the coup. but escaped
soon after while his captors were in Michael
Mooney's office to catch Rush Umbaughs ra
dioshow. limbaugh, who interviewed Green over
the air. asked about the group!; intentions and
goalS. "We just hope to get our new state rec~ by Speaker Newt." said Green. "Dit-
tos. Rush." .
Green denied reports that one member of
the group was captured while downtown get
ting a Republican party elephant tatooed on
his forehead. He did remark, however. that
any future tatoos would be -scratched on with
a knife like real men get them." experience that I will always cherish. " Ford says
wistfully.
The vacation didn't last long however,
soon the gang ran out of money and the Mys
tery Machine was involved in an accident with
Grape Ape and his van.
"Sometime after that whole Grape Ape
thing. we just son of drifted apart. Fred went
to work back at that ski resort that was origi°'
nally haunted by the Abominable Snowman
He had a bad flashback at the 25th atmiver
sary of Woodstock though and he hasn't been
in touch lately. Velma went on to write those
Vampire books. and Daphne is now a librarian
in Scarsdale, New Jersey."
As for Ford. he went on to change his
name to Alexander and become the manager
o.f Josie and f.11~,~cats . fI~ .;llso went o.n19
drive talking dune~ bt:{ggy, S~ ·Suggr.· °He
then went on to college and life has been pretty
nonnal up to this point.
When asked if he and his friends from so
long ago have ever thought of reuniting to solve
crimes again. he remains ambivalent .
"Things are different now. since we sent
Scooby to live with Dyn3mut and ScraPPY. I
just can't imagine sitting in the back of the van
enjoying a huge sandwich without him. It
would take a lot of things to get me to lead that
kind of life again."
One can only help wonderifhe would do
it for Scooby Snack at least.
REAl.
NEWS
CASINO
NIGHT '95
Ten free Kaady car washes. -Tons
of gift certificates . A stereo. What do
all of these things have in common?
They are all prizes one could win by
attending Casino Night 1995 at 8 p.m.
on Friday, March 31 in Stamm Dining
Han.
The theme for Casino Night 1995
centers around the glitz and glamour
of Us Vegas in the 19405. With the
goal of having a se:mi-fonnal event. the
organizers are encouraging students to
"dress to the nines." Those who do so
will win an extra $10.000 'at the Ca
sino Night door. in addition to the
$10.000 they receive j~ for attend
ing. Admission to Casino Night 1995
is free.
Big band jazz and swingmusic will
be Piped over the gambling tables as
,students. try' to··wm Casino :€ash.:b}t
playing Blackjack. Bingo and other
games. This "cash" can then be turned
in for $5.000 rafDe tickets for the grand
rafDe at the end of the evening. Rame
prizes. which have been donated and
purchased locally. range from smaller
prizes like gift certificates and rolls of
quarters to large ones like a Discman
or Tv. In addition to the large rafDe at
the end of the evening. there will be
raffles throughout the evening to give
away the smaller prizes. ~ ___ th.e.Pi.·o.ne.er_Log_-_S.a.tu.Y<.d .. ae.,.A .. p.n.·l.3.,.1.9.9.S ______ l'J EWS Page 5
Michael Ford goes green, attempts to save tree
by Sean leMoine
Dean of Students and Director of Cam
pus life Michael Ford made an environmental
statement yesterday by chainlng himself to a
tree the campus arborists were attempting to
remove.
"You corporate greed-mongers ... the blood
of this majestic creature
will be on your hands!" chained to every potential victim of the saw by
the end of spring term. I've obtained personal
pennission to chain Chairman of the Board of
Trustees Robert Pamplin."
In an apparent gesture of solidarity; one
of the Watzek construction workers chained
himself to the front of his bulldozer. He de-
Ford is reported to have
yelled after attaching
himself.
Ford was later
joined by members of
OSPlRG. A sing-along
ensued, with Ford lead
ing a rousing rendition
of "Kum-Bay-Ya." "You corporate
greed-mongers .. .the
blood ·of this nied allegations
this stunt was per
formed to get an
other paid cofff~e
break.
As the Log
went to press, Ford
remained hooked
to the tree, main
taining his vigil.
Sounding nearlly'"
paranoid, Ford im
plored the campus
community to be
on the lookout for "I would just like to
thank jeff Shaw and the
Pioneer Wg for opening
my eyes," said Ford,
with tears in his eyes. majestic creature
will be on your
hands!l}
"1bat tree-spiking article inspired me to
break the chains of capitalist America and be
gin a new life as a monkeywrencher ."
The arborists maintained to the bent-out
of -shape administrator that the tree was dis
eased and needed to be removed. Ford began
using his free arm to pelt the arborists with
walnuts and pine cones; he had to be re
strained. a "Michael Ford
Impostor."
"They're trying to replace me with soml!
one who can be silenced ... another suit-wear
ing tool of the machine. I am going to remain
chained on lower campus for as long as need
be. If anyone sees this impostor- he'll be
dressed in a suit and tie, not the Earth First! t
shirt I have vowed to wear -don't trust him!
Hes not the real Michael Ford! And beat him
Ford maintained that the rest of the ad-with tree limbs if he tries to tell you otherwise!!"
ministrators were" ... with me in spirit on this The "Michael Ford Impostor" could not
issue. I fully expect to see a staff member be reached for comment.
Nominations for the
1995 Paul Barney Prize for
Contribution to Campus Life
are currently being accepted.
The recipient must demonstrate a love for
life, strong academic performance, intellec
tual curiosity, sense of humor, full participa
tion in in~ercollegiate athletics and residence
hall activities, and personal integrity.
The following is a.1ist of minimum require
ments for award nominees:
-3.00 G.P.A.
-1 year of participation in Varcity or JV athNominations are now being
accepted for the
Troy Ridenour Memorial
Award.
The recipient must possess the
potential for values and jubliant
spirit.
The recipjent must possess the
potential for academic success
and place a high value on edu-letics, -or "two years of in tramurals.
-2 years in the "L.C ,residence halls, and must cation.
have held a residence life position such as The student should be an active
R.A., or donn, manager ,.or a strong record of ~. ' .... · d/
participation in or leadership of residence lif~~ partIcIpant In communIty an or
activities.
Nomination forms are available in the
Chaplin's Office and should be returned to
the Chaplin's Office, Box 171.
Due: April 7, 1995 . school service and activities.
Applications are due:
April 5, 1995 I
.l~l1j[f~
.... ___ .p.ailg.e.6_ ;:.~AllTS .\J. ___________ .t.h.e.P.l.·O.niee.T.Loiii&.-_.S.a.tu.r.d.a iIIy,.AIllllllliP.n.·Z.1.,.2.0.0.4 ___ ...
Cabin Boy takes home top honors at Academy Awards
The 67th Annual Academy Awards held
Monday night were shaken up not just by David
Letterman 's on-target Lettennan for pulling off the impossible: initi
ating the first-ever write-in campaign among
the Academy's typically conservative 5,000
members, who as many know are usually a
stickler for any and all rules (Le. the e-.xclusion
of Red in the Best Foreign Film category and
Linda Fiorentino in
the Best Actress cat perfonnance as host
of the normally long
winded proceedings ,
but by the surprise
emergence of the
world-wide panned
film Cabin Boy as the
big winner at the cer
emony held in the
Shrine Pavillion in
Southern California .
Although critical
and commercial fa
vorites Forrest Gump
and Pulp Fiction had
been the early odds
on favorites to domi
nate such categories TIm Burton,
whose f"d Wood
took home two
awards, executive
produced Oabin
Day and thus
accepted the Best
rilm Oscar. egory for h(~r perfor
mance in The Last Se
duction). lettennan
acknowledged after
wards that: he was
unsure if the efforts
would payoff, but as
he said afterwards
(tongue-in-cheek,
surely): "What the
hell, CBS agreed to
pick up the tab on
sending out copies of
the film to the voters.
Now with its success,
they can buy the 1V
as Best Picture, Best
Director, and Best Actor, both were resigned to
only one award apiece (Gump for Best Visual
Effects and Pulp for Best Original Screenplay),
as Cabin Boy, a little seen cult favorite released
back in January of 1994, garnered the
Academy's Seal of Approvals throughout the
night.
What makes the film's triwnph all the more
sweet is the simple fact that is was not nomi
nated in any categories . Credit must go to add to the fall lineup." rights and have an
other new show to
In all, Cabin Boy picked up fiv'e awards,
including Best Adapted Screenplay (based, of
course, on star Chris Elliots autobiographical
account ofhis five months as first mate on a fish
ing vessel), Best Actor for Elliots visonary and
affecting perfonnance, Best Director for Adam
Resnick (who received his own tribute from
lettennan during the show, a delightful look at
the audition tapes for a role in the film that even-tually went to lettennan himselO and perhaps,
the biggest surprise of all, the award for Best Film.
Tim Bunon, whose Ed Wood took home
two awards, executive produced Cabin Boy and
thus accepted the Best Film Oscar. Dressed in
a smashing all-white ensemble, Bunon was vis
ibly moved and promised that his next project
would be the sequel to last summer's smash
The tittle Rascals. He also thanked the Acad
emy for seeing beneath the cultish exterior of
the film and to the hean that lies at its center:
''I'm just grateful that you people understand
what is so Significant about a tobacco-spitting
cupcake. Its not just a cheap laugh, it's an!"
Afterwards , the majority of the nominees
expressed satisfaction with the somewhat bi
zarre turn of events. First time nominees
Quentin '?:1rantino and Roben Zemeckis, who both lost to Resnick in the directing category,
took the loss in stride with Tarantino in par
ticular saying it was "so cool" that the Acad
emywent out on a limb. Tom Hanks, who had
been considered a shoo-in to repeat as Best
Actor also acknowledged that Eliot deselVed
the award: '1ust because I made it out of Bo
som Buddies and onto greater tlrings does not
mean all1V stars are so lucky. I am happy to
see Chriss talents getting the worldwide recog
nition they deserve.
Ironically, the star could not be there to
accept the award. He and his father, the Great
Bob Eliot were working on the screenplay for
Cabin Boy 2, set to begin filming in May. When
contacted about his win, he said it proved once
and for all "A guy in a monkey suit can get into
the Oscars. Thank you!" •
Carley to perform naked in Evans Lewis and Clark College
Students Organzed For Activities present.. ~
This Saturday, Aprill at 8 p.m.
in Evans Auditorium, percussionist
].]. Carley and a long list of cohorts
will explore the many ways that mu
sic can influence visual perception .
].]. calls the perfonnance a "collabo
rative cekbration of creativity and
artists" that mixes percussion with
an, dance, theater, storytelling, sign
language and photography.
].]. emphasizes that there are
many ways to make a listener think
about music, and he believes that
"visual interpretations can be taken
more personally than musical."
5MB's generous grant enabled
].]. to supply his artists with paints
and materials. In the lobby outside
the auditorium, there will be a dis
play by graffiti artist Sam Ritter, and
inside the auditorium, painter Matt
Simms will interpret a four-move
ment sonata played by J.J.
In one of the evenings pieces,
"A Multi-Colored Web," composed
by LC alum Erika Foin, Deborah
Greene will visually tell the story us
ing sign-language while Pad rice tells
the story orally. Jennifer Ritenburgh,
Evan Louden and Robert McIntosh
join].]. on percussion . Cami Carley
will interpret the piece through
movement.
J.]. will premiere a piece of his
own, called "Unshackling the Chains
of Rhythm," (or "Hittin' Stuff') in
cluding the electronic wizardry of
Lon Whittier. J.J. will perfonn naked,
so he asks that viewers sit as close to
the front as possible and wear the 3-
D goggles that guest music profes-''visual
interpretations
can be taken
more person
ally than
musical."
-J.J. Carley
photo by
Duncan Buttocks
sors will hand out in the lobby.
Creative movement is provided
by Moss Kaplan, Alex Moggridge,
Arika Stephan and Mary Spohr be
tween pieces. Ught design is by Hans
Nordstrom .].]. even pushes the pro
gram to take on a new and more vi
sual meaning, by letting designers
Sara Bernstein and Brenda Allen com
pose slide images that will be pro
jected on a large screen during the
perfonnance .
For ].]., the event is a culmina
tion ofhis philosophies on music and perfOlmance. He believes that "mu
Sic can-be more thought-provokirig"
when it is seen as well as heard, be
cause after all, "people watch." • MOUrl1lf1j t'
t.uesdo.,Y
r-_ , _ . Kp"'" -'--", C~~~S~
'.~ I ~ --
Free and Open to the Public
Show Starts at Noon Sharp
Sunday April 2, 1995
Stewart Lawn, Gate 6
Playing you favor
ite country hits!
All the hits from lIavis Tritt to Wmnona! , Donatl»d Prizl»s
Coca Cola-104 sqUl'l'Zl' bottll's
Fuddruckl'rs -$10 gift cl'rtificatl's
Coffl'l' BPan Inc.-A sl'll'ction of gourml't coffl'l'. hot cocos and tl'as
Big Bang-gift, cl'rtificatl'
Grand Cl'ntral Bowl-$180 bowling party
Packaging Storl'-1 $25 gift cl'rtificatl'
Bustl'r's B.B.O.-$15.00 gift cl'rtificatl'
Domino's Pizza-5 gift cl'rtificatl's for a largl' pizza. salad. and twisty brl'ad
McDonalds- onl' gift cl'rtificatl' for 4 pl'opll'. l'X. valul' ml'als
Coffl'l' Pl'opll' Inc-5 frl'l' lattl' gift cl'rtificatl'S
Icl' Chall't at Uoyd Cl'ntl'r-5 passl'S
Lazl'rport- 6 frl'l' passl'S
Kaady Car Washl's- 5 l'xtl'rior car washl's
Porltand Rock Gym: a frl'l' day pass
Safl' Shot: Gift Cl'rtificatl' for a $100 valul'
Roco's Pizza: A $50 gift cl'rtificatl'
Skidmorl' Skatl': Party of 12 frl'l' rl'ntal on wl'l'kday
Ultrazonl': Up to 30 frl'l' gaml' passl'S for play
Supl'rcuts: 6 frl'l' hair cuts
Pizza Hut: $100 in Pizza coupons
Sandy lanps: 12 frl'l' gaml'S of bowling
Rl'd Robin: Soml' gift cl'rtificatl's
LC. bookstorl': 2 SWl'a shirts. 1 shirt
Taco Bl'lI: 5 $5 gift cl'rtificatps
Wundl'r1and: 25 frl'l' admission passl'S for $50 valul'
Pappacino's Club Mudd cards $21S0 l'ach
Portland Spirit
Fril'nds of thl' Zoo-Onl' Zoo parl'nt Cl'rtificatl'
Adidas-Onl' sWl'atshirt
Nikl'-StiTI up in thl' air probably soml' shops
Round Tabll' Pizza-2 frl'l' pizza dinnl'rs
Stl'Vl'f1 Anthony's-frl'l' hairstyll' and vidl'o
Bon Appl'tit- ') frl'l' pizza's
Annil' Blooms- $10 gift cl'rtificatl'
Blockbustl'r Vidl'o-$10 gift cl'rtificatl'
Dava Bl'ad and Tradl'-$10 gift cl'rtificatl'
Kinko's copy Cl'ntl'r
Purchasl»d Prizl»s
R.CA 19 inch Color Tl'll'vision
NW Futon $200 Cl'rtiFicatl'
Sharp 3 CO Dual Cassl'ttl' Stl'rl'o
Sl'ga Gl'nl'sis
Big Hl'ad Todd and thl' Monstl'rs Concl'rt Tickl'ts (2)
RCA Discman
Jansport Backpack
Stun Kitl'
ll'd ll'plin CD Box S'l't
Ansl'l Adams Framl'd Print
Cordll'ss Phonl'
Gap Gift Cl'rtificatl' -$50
Eddil' Baul'r Gift Cl'rtificatl' -$50 Victoria's Sl'cn·t Cl'rtificatl' -$50
Koss Walkman
Suncoast Movil' Company Gift Cl'rtificatl' -$25
Windchiml'
Coll'man Propanl' StoVl'
Mancala Gaml'
Girl'dl'l1i Hot Chocolatl' and Mug
Girl'dl'l1i Chocolatl' Col1l'ction
Cribbagl' Board
Glow in thl' Dark Big Stars (2)
Tubs of Rl'd Vinl's (4)
Spsaml' Strl'l't T-shirt
Frisbl'l'
Ll'go Sl'ts (4)
Koosh Baskl'tbal1 Sl't
Swiss Army Pockl't Knifl'
Rain Stick
Big Box of Crayons
SiTIy Putty (2)
Taboo Gaml'
Outburst Gaml'
Chl'sS Gaml'
Baskl'tball
Disnl'Y Music Colll'ction COs
Forl'st Gump Soundtrack
lion Ki g V'dl'
Gift Cl'rtificatl' for Frl'd Ml'Yl'r
Casino Night would also lik~ to thank
Orl'gon Coast Aquarium- four frl'l' passl'S for admission
OMS 1-Two gl'nl'ral admission passl'~
Maryhill MUSl'um of Art-4 admission passps to Sl'l' thl' Musl'um of Art
Fril'nds of thl' Zoo-Zoo Parl'nt Cl'rtiFicatl'
Stl'Vl'n Anthony's: Cl'rtificatl' for frl'l' hairstyll' and vidl'o
Nl'wport Bay: $20 gift cl'rtificatl' ~ ____ p_a~g~e_8_-. ar~-S~2,AE~1,1995
Gimp advises PiG Log to take low
road, support Mighty Mouse
to the Editor,
So many writers have said it, in so many ways.
Eazy-E, on Eazy Does It, boasted: "I got bitches, bitches
galore. You got bitches, but I got more." friends and I are wondering what color the sky is in Chapman's
world. First of all, Superman and Mighty Mouse exist in sepa
rate comic book/canotOn realities. Secondly all the magrrificent
rodent would need to do is yank out some
Uke Eazy, we too are faced with "great
arguments" like the debate over censorship,
or the continuing role of nosy, hypercritical
editors in campus publications . ThatS why
I was surprised to see the editors publish
ing Gene Chapmans letter in the Pioneer Log Stick tongue
here Krypotonite and the Man of Steel is dust.
So Mr. Chapman, before you ask my
friends at the Log to censor the very people
that they are asking questions of, perhaps
you should pick up an issue of Action Com-
(March 17).
If I had been editor, I would have edited Gene Chapmans
remarks to read: "Journalism, at whatever level, has a solemn
obligation to at least try to raise the level of... people'S ... ability to
communicate ... using either vulgarity or profanity." We, as sec
ond graders are learning all about the constitution in ou r class. I
believe that Mr. Chapman is completely wrong when he states
that Superman could beat Mighty Mouse. No way in hell! My ics.
Until then perhaps you should check out a copy of the Re
ality Times that's the way some people talk. I would in fact be
willing to bet that more people talk like Mr. Lehrkind than like
John Milton so neener neener. So suck your toe all the way to
Mexico and while you're there don't forget to buy :nore under-
wear.
-Francis "Cheech" Gimp
2nd grade, Friendly Forest Elementary
Give him $ 5, he'll kiss your ass too
to the Editor,
Although I hate to admit it, I love the administration and
everything that they do. I breathlessly wait for the sun to rise
once more above the minds of those fair men and women who
are guiding our bastion of learning toward KLC should enjoy the fact that they even continue to draw
breath here on this campus" If the divine powers that run~s
college were the ogres that they have been portrayed as, the
pests that infest the space under the council chambers would
ltlave been exterminated long ago. They
the 21st century
Sure, slavish devotion is viewed with
a certain skepticism among my fellow stu
dents. Frankly I really don't care. All my
human needs have been replaced, nay tran
scended, by my overwhelming adoration Your friend.ls
tongue here should thank their lucky stars they exist at
all, yet they continue to complain their voice
no longer counts for anything. Of course it
doesn't count. Why should it? It's not as if
we students have anything to do with the
mnning of this college anyway. All we as
students need to do is feast on the scraps of
manna that the administration so kindly drops for us, for we are
nothing but dogs.
-EU,gene Pamplin VIII Concerned student of the administration. It is folly for the students to question the
motives of the administration, for they have truly been ordained
by the heavens and their will is perfection incarnate. How dare
we as students question our beuers? We are the worms that
devour the soil that they tread on, and in my pseudopodia! opin
ion we should be treated no better.
~E(oc'V &$Ea~(j TpUJlaY . . :and rnistakes, we've made a few. ..
Following the immense popularity of last year's
Sacajtwea~ Voice anicle on the "Ten Worst Professors on
Campus", the administration has practically demanded a
follow up for this year's crop of teachers. Unfonunately.
Sac~ Voice no longer exists, so its up to the Log to carry on
the tradition. FollOwing is the list of the current ten worst
professors on campus. This ones for you, Yui!
10. I ~EV't 1.1.'1' coooru:.
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"tT]lO VEO> 1tOpVO IXxoEO OV fuvcpu..o. I"tI1o OWt1tOOEO"tO 13£
OU1tEp-~l"tXTjLV I1.
6. ~lO '1'01) ICYOO> "tT]a"t K£vv'l' P<>'}'£po Tjao "tTJpu:
Vl7t1tAEO? HE I.I.lY'l"t, ~m 1tpol3a~A.", VO't. ili:I1PE vO't PE
aU", oup£, ~m l"tI10 ~v"to "tT]lVl( aJ30m, lOVI1"t l"t?
5. II1rnE)Qt a Tpm A.oOyEo LV 1.1.'1' \fI()(lK~!
4. OvA.'I' 'Zn.vtax \.0 Zavtax.
3. TTjE 1tpOljlEooop ~J.U:PA.", ICYorov (l(J~IIplVXE .
2. Qa'tXTJ Cl><>p MOEp'f I'roPIl n, TTJE MootZaA.. X0l.I.lVY
ooov c!lPOI.I.l:Xot't AalC£ l:-roOlOO.
1. Avo P£l.l.£I.I.IkP 1C1.00. ~LVK ",oup OilaA.'tl.VE.
The staff of the "newspaper" wishes to take this op
ptOnunity to say that this issue is not meant to be taken
even remotely seriously. Give this weeks edition even
less credence than you would usually give the Log. We
wish to make this explicit so that people like Michael
Ford. carmot sue us. If you are offended by anything that
appears in this issue, then we have done our job in ap
palling you. If you are litigiously disgruntled, however,
please contact our cheru1>-like co-editor-in<hief, Corinna
Bucholz. Or you could have a sense of humor about
yourself and let us all have a little fun. God bless you all but we did it our way, so bollocks to you
gentle readers,
The Pioneer Log has, in recent months, been striving to raise
its level of journalistiic integrity. Those who have read the Log
will probably agree tltlat we have nowhere to go but up.
Well, we would like to stan here by correcting some of the
mistakes we have made in recent issues, and retract any remarks
that may have been misunderstood. We do this not just be
cause we are concerned with the medias responsibility to prop
erly inform the peoplle, but also because we care about you, the
reader. We love you"
Mar. 10: A front page headline used the tarn "prospies",
intended to refer to prospective students at LC. It was brought
to our attention that this was an unfamiliar term to most people.
Mar 3: In the News Briefs, Andrea Beringer was miStak
enly referred to as "Angela".
Mar. 3: A story was printed that stated that the water sup
ply had been tainted by lethal doses of pachouli and that we
were all destined for:a slow, but certain death. This was a typo.
The word should have been spelled "patchouli" .
Feb. 24: An anIcle about the proposal to move KLC was
run in this issue. Objectively, there were no errors in this piece.
However, in discussilllg the nuances of the decision making pro
cess, we inadvenentl ly implied that the students' opinion held
some degree of influence with the administration. We apolo
gize for misleading our. readers. ,~
Feb. 24: A prol5le on Michael Mooney stated that he in
tends to resign at the end of this year to follow the Grateful
Dead full time. He is actually leaving to play guitar for the Red
Hot Chili Peppers.
Feb. 24: The ~g reptOned in a front page headline that the
campus had been infllltrated by giant, mutant, carnivorous bun
nies, intent on maiming and tonurmgthe weak among us, leav
ing only a weary, gaunt few to mine the Xanthan Gum reserves
buried deep beneath the Forest Residence Hall buildings. Un
fortunately, we neglected to find out whether there was a source
for this rumor. Thel1e. wasn't. We regret any confusion .
Feb. 17: We p1l1blished a story today claiming that Ger
many had declared war on the U.S. and that we would surely be
pulled into the next world war. While not technically errone--ous, this story was over 50 years old, and probably not news
wonhy. In the logS defense, things get a little crazy around
deadline time here.
Feb. 10: We reponed that God had manifested himself on
eanh, and declared that all were condemned to a hoary, ever
lasting torment in Hell unless they worshipped him as the only
true religious text, the Koran, dictated. We neglected to men
tion that we heard this from a gentleman named "Stuckey", who
wore a dead cat around his neck and rhythmically vomited when
he wasn't harassing us and our fellow Tri-Met patrons at the bus
stop.
Feb. 3: We ran a story claiming that the Platt-Howard Resi
dence Hall would be relocated by the administration into the
nearby ravine, so all of the residents of the buildings could live
in the filth and mud like the savage s\vine they are. This was a
mistake. We meant to say that the Platt-Howard Residence Hall
should be relocated by the administration into the nearby ra
vine, so all of the residents of the buildings could live in the filth
and mud like the savage swine they are. We also meant to use
the word "Mongoloid" somewhere in the anicle. We regret the
error.
Jan. 27: One of our stories claimed that lewis 1St. Clark had
been bought out by an outside interest and would be renamed
the "Nonhwest Hasidic Klown Kollege and Rabbinical Training
. Center~. There,was no mistake in this one .. We just made it up.
Jan. 27: . Ten of our twelve pages in this issue were not
wriuen by Log staffers. They were not even actual news. The
text on these pages was simply a collection of Xerox copies from
recent editions of TV Guide, Tiger Beat, and Cram magazines .
We regret the error.
-Your Wg buddies
Feisty grandma opens beer
bottles w/empty e~~!:,~ When you p'sss this
multiple-choice · exam,
we give you $400.
D Plymouth Neon Coupe
D Plymouth Neon 4-Door
This may be the easiest exam you've ever taken: There's no wrong answer. With Plymouth's Extra Credit
program, when you buy or lease any of these clever ideas from your Plymouth dealer-a hot Neon four-door,
the Neon Coupe, or an even hotter, 150 peak-horsepower Neon Sport Coupe-before you graduate or within
six months after graduation, we'll send you back a check for $400~ And that's a lot of extra value on what is
already a well-stocked set of wheels-one with cab-folrward design, acres of interior space, driver and front
passenger air bags,t standard, and available anti-lock brakes.
And if you want, we can stack this great deal on top of another idea from Plymouth: the 6/24 love It or leave
It Lease-the lease that lets you change your mind. Lease lony new Plymouth for 24 months-and if you change your
mind about it( brj~9 ' it. back in six months. (Your dealer's, got all the details and restrictions; check them out.)
Neon four-door, Neon Coupe, Neon Sport Coupe: The friendliest and smartest cars on campus.
Some teSt-lh~~~~:one clever idea after another. G
'Offer is QOOd on ony new 1994, 1995 or 1996 Plymouth Neon vehicle ond ends IDecember 31, 1995. 1994 model eligibility may end prior to December 31, 1995.
See dealer for complele de!oils, eligibility requiremen~ ond exclusions. $400 bonus is not available wilh ony olher private offer. t Always wear your seat belt.
I _.J r~\ ···t]"«
~ ___ .P.allig.e_1.0-: .~ .. \~ •. ~ •..•... K~ the Pioneer's hairy Lo§ -Saturday, April 1, 1995
Pia beer team drink foes under the table
by Al Coholic
They are the few, the proud, the
inebriated . They drink more by 7 am
than most people drink all day. Most
of their hard work goes unnoticed .
and unappreciated, they are Lewis
Est darks beer drinking team.
This elite squad of gifted ath
letes is composed of six young men.
You won't find them just anywhere,
most of the teams matches take place
in the seClusion of a private home,
or in the rowdy atmosphere of some
of Portland's best known bars. De
spite being relatively young (5 of the
6 members are actually under 21),
the team is rich in experience and
raw talent. LC finished with an im
pressive15-5 record last season and
went undefeated at home, going 15-
O. The record was good enough to
capture the league title and secure
the Pios a playoff birth. LC won its
first three matches in the post sea
son tournament before being
knocked off by a tough brewer team
from the University of Milwaukee .
The brewers then went on to cap
ture the national championship .
Team captain Bon Mcdintock
is very enthusiastic about this year's
squad and is confident that they have
a legitimate shot at nationals this
year. "We're pumped and ready!" comments McClintock . "We fee1like
we're ready to tap into our true p0-
tential." With 4 returning lettermen
the Pios do appear to be primed for
national contention . The rest of the
spots will be filled by a few very tal
ented recruits including Franz
Broeker, an exchange student from
Munich who should be a potent of
fensive threat in the unlimited
weight class.
For those of you who might be
unfamiliar with inter-collegient beer
drinking, matches are composed of
four basic events:
l. Singles chug off. (each team
member goes head to head with an
opponent of his corresponding
weight class)
1. Various beer games. (these
vary with every match and are a rea
son why beer matches are always
unique and exciting)
3. Singles beer bong. (self ex
planatory)
4. Six man team chug off relay.
(teams go head to head in this often
match deciding relay)
Broeker is expected to start at
anchor and should be able to give
the pios the added kick they need at
the end of their matches. Red-shirt
freshman Barney Gumble is also ex
pected to contribute substantially.
IlSS-'
Get it straight from the Log's
favorite felon
Hey all you little fucks out there
in Pioneer country and welcome to
another shitty weak here on Pile-o
shit -tine Hill.
Well, I haven't got a god damn
thing to tell you this week because I
just lost my job and my X-wifes
husband beat me into oblivion yes
terday; but what can you do?
I will however teach you a les
son about life. First of all1ife sucks.
All this babble about T.G.I.E, that!;
all a bunch ofhcrse-crap . I'd rather
hear "It's judgement day and
everyones invited!" That's a party
rd like to go to.
You're better off just tying
mom!; umbilical chord around your
throat day one and end the show.
Maybe I'm being a bit negative, so
for all of you "Its half full" fools out
there, you can just lick my sack.
But I guess the best words of
wisdom I can give you is to live alone
andtrustnoone . Thedayyoustart
loving people and getting all warm
and fuzzy is also the time to go buy
a gun and brush your teath with it.
My favorite movie is Natural
Born Killers and I've seen it 84 times.
If you ask me this movie says it all.
If someone gives you a hard time,
then its your obligation to light em
up! Plus \\body looked bitchin in that shaved head.
Regatdless, its your right, no, it!;
your obligation to step on the weaker
guy and take advantage of the eld
erly.
The key point I'm trying to get
across is to look out for old number
one. If yournot looking out for your
self, then who will? Mommy and
Daddy aren't going to be around to
dab your eyes with tissue and change
your diapers for you when you shit
your pants. You've got to be strong
and focus on your skills.
Become your own man or
woman for that matter and the rule
still applies; if someone gives you
flack, cap 'em one in the gut (they
die slower and the pain is just out of
this world).
Don't end up like me. Heed my
words and you might just have a
chance in this fast food M1V alter
native unplugged crack smoker
Ernest goes to Hell fight the power
Eazy E. world. Until next week you
might see my face on the wall in the
post office or maybe I1l try to out do
one of those sissy disgruntled postal
workers, they really don't know how
to kill in mass quantinies like I can.
So catch ya later and say a
prayer for your favorite uncle behind
bars. + Top Ten Put-downs
Turned PC (politically
correct).
10. Overweight : One is
stricken with "big butt
depression . "
9-. Ugly: One has
achieved a high level of
"bung-hole looks."
8. Stupid: One is
dermed with a case of "lnter
familial breading ."
7. Bald: One has been
placed on "Follicle Restric-
tion."
6. Smelly: Ones body
is laden with "Pig dump."
5. Poor: One is a "Top
ramen connysewer ."
4. Hairy: One is simply
"Ultra pubic ."
Gumble decided to sit out last year
because 'of a recurring sickness pro!>.
lem. "When he:s on his game, he is
one of our most prominent drink
ers. Gumble is the keystone, if he is
able to keep his liquor down then
we are going to be tough to beat!"
added },(cdiIitock. LCs first regular season match
is this weekend against Vkstern Bap
tist. The Pios will be at home. Swill
ing time will begin at 7 pm. So be
sure to show up and give them the
support that they so richly deserve .
Remember to bring your beer
goggles, and keep hope alive. + 3. Short: One is
regarded as a "Stump
impersonator . "
2. Geeky: One is
considered " fuzzy boot
man."
1. Snobby: One suffers
from a "Melrose complex ."
Whats Hot! Whats Not!?-
Thin sideburns
Previously owned clothes
Tom Hanks
Professional tattoos
Having "coffee"
Kramer
94.7
Daisy Dukes
Taking Showers
Green Day
Michael Jordan
Men not afraid to cry
Pulp FIction
VJ Daisy Fuentes Braided Goatees
Previously owned underwear
Pauley Shore
Genital piercing
"Cruising"
Geraldo
KWlJ
Rikki Lake wearing Daisy Dukes
Taking showers with Rikki ,Lake
Tag Team
Orlando Woolridge
Tears For Fears
Crooklyn
VJ Kennedy
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
• • • . I Z Z"A Lake Oswego's
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........ t.h.e.P.io.n.ee.r.s.H.o.g.- •• S.a.tu.rda.y.,.A .. p.n.'.1.1.'.1.9.9.5 ••• II;(.1!!~.~II~.~.~~):P()()(;J.~.~.~II!!:!IIIp.allliigiil e.l.l .....
Diamond &. Ott combine forces, explode for 100 points
by Burns Fisher
Barn burner plain and simple.
The Pioneer Log held its annual
battle of the editors basketball game
this past Wednesday night in
Pamplin Sports Complex. Jamie Dia
mond broke into the score column
in an impressive way as he threw
down a monstrous two-handed jam
over a cowering Joe Greenman . This
sparked the LDg's team and the rest
of the players followed suite by add
ing to an offensive barrage that
would be deemed respectable by
Michael Jordan himself. Three min
utes later Marni Handley carne of the
bench to tear cord from well beyond
the three point an: giving the Log a
21 -7 advantage .
Team Captain Corinna
Buchholz continued her strong in
side play and Jeff Shaw was almost
unstoppable in the key. Chris Ott
demonstra ted superior out side
shooting by knocking down 7 three
pointers.
Just when it seemed that the
Pios had the game well in hand the
Pioneers surged right back and tied
the game at 50 all early in the sec
ond period. Greenman found his .
comfort zone over by the half court
line and put on a long range show.
His 45 foot heaves gave the Pioneers
a 25 point lead midway through the
second half and with this outburst
the very nets had to be changed due
to overheating. drove left, he drove right, basically
he did anything he wanted and
more. Grossman was unstoppable
and his 360 reverse dunk over
Photo phenom Kevin Kooleywould
make any sport center highlight
film.
The teams went in CI.t halftime
with the score knotted at 81' all.
When aske'; about his amazing play
Grossman simply responded with a
smirk and," When your this good,
good things are bound to happen."
For the second half, Ott
dawned a red headband which for
him always means all business. Ott
stole the opening inbounds pass and
went the length of the court. Ott!:;
three-point line dunk brought the
crowd to its feet and brought new
life to the Pioneers attack.
Diamond answered right back
with a 3/4 court dunk of his own
which seemed physically impos
sible: Then with 3.7 seconds left to
go in the game, Ben Harfst found
the ball in his hands down by two
points. Harfst qUickly glanced to
his great-grandmother high up in
the stands and let a 92 foot last sec
ond desperation heave fly. The ball
curved, the ball knuckled, the ball
ripped the basket a new hole.
The Shriners paraplegic mens
team all leaped to their feet for the
first time in 15 years to celebrate the
occasion. Dude,
SpreewellS
fresh!
Jamie
Diamond
throws down
hard on Joe
Greenm~n in
the 28th 'UlIl1l1>f' -'
Log basketball
game.
Photo by However, the Pios were not to
be outdone. With the score 75-50,
the Pios looked to sophomore sen
sation Joe Grossman . Grossman
took control of the sputtering Pio
offense and began to dominate. He The victory put the Pioneers up
15-13 for the-all time series record.
All scorers were led by Grossman's
63 points and 40 rebounds to go
along with 34 assists and 25.3 steals.
Great job to all the players and hope
to see everyone again next year. + K~Mom~lL-~~~~--~------ ____ ~~ __ ~~~~ __ ~~~~~~~~~~~
The Pioneer Log's Bap Boys scarf down incidental fees like their going out of style. Phot<l, by Ivana TInkle Lacrosse Article
by Seymour Butts
Jake Chatters intercepted a Paul
Gait pass and scored a fast break
longstick goal 38 seconds into over
time to lift the 11th-ranked Lewis
and Clark men's lacrosse team to a
7-6 upset victory over Syracuse
Monday at College Park, Maryland.
LC held the potent Orangeman
offense in check through most of the
game and killed all but one of
Syracuse's man-up opportunities,
but never led before Chatters
bounced the game-winning shot
into the top left corner in sudden
death.
The Pios had rallied from a 4-1
halftime deficit to tie it at 5-5 mid
way through the fourth quarter
when goalie Jason Zanon saved a
Gait quick-stick shot and raced the
other way with the ball.
Wary after Zanon's spectacu
lar second-quatter goal, the de-
-fense slid to cover him as he
crossed the restraining line, leav
ing Scott Steele open on the crease
for the equalizer.
But Syracuse got the lead
back moments later, and held the
tenuous 6-5 edge until].]. Carley
drove from behind the goal and
fed Josh Norman cutting across
the hole for a buzzer-beating left
handed score.
After struggling in the first half
while the Orangemen dominated
possession, Lewis and Clark outscored Syracuse 3-1 in the third
quarter to get back into the game.
The ESPN crew covering the
contest awarded game MVP honors
to midfielder "Magic" Manu, who
notched his first career hat trick.
Pio coach Kevin Burke offered
a mixed assessment of the game.
'We're glad for the win, obvi
ously, but we were lucky to get it,"
Burke said. "Our clears stunk and
we didn't run our offense. If not for
that, we could've won by 10."
Burke credited the defensive
unit for keeping the game within
reach.
"Syracuse almost blew it open
in the second quarter, butJake and
the Matts [Harrington and Sims]
kept us in it"
LC players, however, were
nothing short of jubilant follOwing
their second consecutive victory
over a ranked Division 1 team.
"We played like ass, but the
Orangement still went home nos
ersl," said one player.
"We probably didn't look as
good as we did against Willamette
or Princeton, but this was still a huge
win for us," agreed middie Matt
Belkin.
The 4-1 Pioneers return home
Sunday against \Vy'East. The Port
land club team, which includes a
number of LC alumni, got its first
victory of the season Friday against
the Victoria Waxmen. + --I • 1224
& ns 7 " 7 ) ue
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