Lewis & Clark College

The Pioneer Log: Lewis & Clark College's Student-Run Newspaper

Volume 74, Number 12

Lewis & Clark College Student Newspaper

Pioneer Log Staff

2009-12-01

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newspaper

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Lewis & Clark College: Pioneer Log / Mossy Log

Volume 74, Number 12 Friday, December 4, 2009 Happy Finals and Merry Festivus!
Portland water contaminated by E. coli
T
h
i
s
w
e
e
k
i
n
Forum:
l l l l l l l l The
Features:
Arts:
Sports:pg. 8PioLogpg. 11Bon ballin’ problems
Get off yer ass: winter! pg. 7No-shave Nov. ends pg. 3
Eco-friendly ChristmasPortland residents were advised to
boil water before use Thanksgiving
weekend.
PHOTO BY ANNIE BOURKE
Those students remaining on campus
during Thanksgiving break received a Boil
Water Notice shortly after 5 p.m. on Sat -
urday night. Text messages, emails and fly -
ers scattered across campus warned students by Lindsey Bosseabout possible contamination to the water
supply. The notifications told students that
tap water should be boiled for at least a min -
ute before drinking, brushing teeth and do -
ing dishes.
According to the Portland Water Bureau’s
website, they first noticed a possible E. coli
contamination on Thursday. They detected
a small amount in Reservoir 3, and sched -
uled a resample for Friday. Reservoir 3 is lo -
cated near Washington Park, near the Rose
Garden and Oregon Zoo. The Reservoir is
surrounded by a tall fence but is not covered.
By Saturday the Portland Water Bureau
had results confirming that there was E. coli
in the reservoir, but upstream and down -
stream from the infected water source was
clean. At this point, the bureau decided to
shut off all water from Reservoir 3 and con -
tinue testing water throughout the region.
By 4 p.m. they released a Boil Water Notice
to all residents west of the Willamette River,
including the Burlington, Palatine Hill and
Valley View areas.
By Sunday the contamination had been
dealt with, and the Boil Water Notice was re -
tracted by nightfall.
E. coli stands for Escherichia coli , a bac -
teria usually found in the lower intestines
of animals. Humans naturally have E. coli
in their digestive system but won’t get sick
from it as long as the rest of our body doesn’t
experience contamination. Some strains of
E. coli , however, can cause disease if food or water contaminated with them is ingested.
The most common type of contamination to
humans is through fecal-oral transmission,
which we generally regard as food poison -
ing.
The strain that was found in Reservoir Program seeks to prevent alcohol-related deaths
Continued on pg. 2, WATER
ILLUSTRATION BY EMILY BLOCKContinued on pg. 2, ALCOHOLA new alcohol awareness and education
program called the Red Watch Band is cur -
rently under consideration at Lewis & Clark.
The Red Watch Band was first imple -
mented last year at Stony Brook University
in New York when a faculty member’s son
died as a result of alcohol poisoning dur -
ing his freshman year of college. Since then,
Stony Brook has attempted to spread the
program to other universities and colleges
throughout the United States.
According to the Red Watch Band’s web -
page, “The mission of the Red Watch Band
is to provide campus community members
with the knowledge, awareness, and skills to
prevent student toxic drinking deaths and
to promote a student culture of kindness,
responsibility, compassion, and respect.” If
LC adopts the program, interested students
would be taught how to react to incidents
involving alcohol poisoning on- and off-
campus.
The Red Watch Band is not a medical
amnesty program, a Good Samaritan law
program or an abstinence program. It is a
training program that seeks to unite students
and prevent alcohol-related deaths.
Jeffrey Feld-Gore, Associate Dean of Stu -by Laura NashLewis & Clark
discusses lack of
hate speech code
Recently the Diversity Advisory
Committee (DAC) met to discuss
various options regarding hate speech
incidents. Currently the College does
not have a formal system or policy
dealing with hate or bias speech, but it
is considering taking the next step in
light of this semester’s swastika ordeal.
    The Bias Response Interest Group,
a part of the DAC, consists of two
students as well as staff members from
different fields. Over the last month
Latricia Brand, Multicultural Af -
fairs Director and Associate Dean of
Students, and others have researched
similar colleges’ programs to try to
gauge what options are best suited for
Lewis & Clark’s needs. Brand said,
“The committee is not ready to make
a recommendation yet, but is con -
tinuing to look at the options closely.”
    There are multiple approaches that
the school could take. The first major
category is non-regulatory; it does not
prohibit any speech, encourages a dia -
logue about bias and hate speech, and
undertakes educational initiatives.
The other approach is regulatory and
creates community standards of what
is and isn’t acceptable speech. Mark
Duntley, Dean of the Chapel and a
member of the DAC, said the systems
are analogous to treating the disease
or treating its symptoms. Each has its
advantages and disadvantages, but it
seems most likely that a non-regula -
tory option will be adopted. Duntley
went on to say, “Many in the com -
munity have real reservations on lim -
iting speech for a variety of reasons.”
    A handful of bigger schools, like
Oregon State University, have issues
with hate speech because of the Greek
system. Obviously this is not an issue
at LC, but OSU’s system may serve
as a good template just the same. No
matter what is decided, key concerns
include who reports incidents, where
people go to report them, where the
incident reports are kept, how the
problems are resolved, and at what
level the solutions are implemented.
      Director of Campus Safety Tim
O’Dwyer met with library staff last
month to discuss how Campus Safety
deals with these issues. He gave tips
and tools to catch the perpetrator, but
the situation remains complicated.
Monitoring graffiti is excessively dif -by Garik Lawson Asplund
Continued on pg. 2, HATE
PHOTO BY MARK LAYER
Reservoir 3 (pictured above) at
Washington Park became tainted
by E. coli .Volume 73, Number 1 News 2 the Pioneer Log, December 4, 2009
Pioneer
Log
the
EDITORS IN CHIEF:
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A/n.sc/g.sc/e.sc/l.sc/a.sc W/e.sc/b.sc/b.sc/e.sc/r.sc
NEWS EDITORS :
T/o.sc/m.sc M/e.sc/a.sc/t.sc/h.sc /ampersand.scL/a.sc/u.sc/r.sc/a.sc N/a.sc/s.sc/h.sc
FORUM EDITORS :
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FEATURES EDITORS :
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ARTS EDITORS :
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SPORTS EDITORS :
N/i.sc/c.sc/h.sc/o.sc/l.sc/e.sc C/a.sc/r.sc/n.sc/e.sc/l.sc/l.sc /ampersand.scM/i.sc/c.sc/h.sc/a.sc/e.sc/l.sc G. R/i.sc/c.sc/h.sc/m.sc/a.sc/n.sc
BACKDOOR EDITOR:
D/a.sc/n.sc/n.sc/y.sc G/a.sc/r.sc/c.sc/i.sc/a.sc
STYLE SOURCE :
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ILLUSTRATION EDITOR:
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ILLUSTRATOR :
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PHOTO EDITOR:
S/a.sc/m.sc M/a.sc/r.sc/g.sc/e.sc/v.sc/i.sc/c.sc/i.sc/u.sc/s.sc
PHOTOGRAPHERS :
A/n.sc/n.sc/i.sc/e.sc B/o.sc/u.sc/r.sc/k.sc/e.sc, H/a.sc/n.sc/n.sc/a.sc/h.sc P/r.sc/i.sc/n.sc/c.sc/e.sc /ampersand.sc M/a.sc/g.sc/g.sc/i.sc/e.sc O/l.sc/i.sc/v.sc/e.sc/r.sc
HEAD COPY EDITOR:
M/i.sc/s.sc/s.sc/y.sc W/e.sc/l.sc/d.sc/o.sc/n.sc
COPY EDITORS :
R/o.sc/b.sc/i.sc/n.sc C/e.sc/d.sc/a.sc/r.sc, K/a.sc/t.sc/h.sc/l.sc/e.sc/e.sc/n.sc D/a.sc/l.sc/y.sc, J/o.sc/r.sc/d.sc/a.sc/n.sc E/a.sc/g.sc/a.sc/n.sc, C/h.sc/r.sc/i.sc/s.sc K/e.sc/a.sc/d.sc/y.sc /ampersand.sc T/e.sc/r.sc/e.sc/s.sc/a.sc W/i.sc/s.sc/n.sc/e.sc/r.sc
STAFF WRITERS :
R/o.sc/b.sc/i.sc/n.sc A/u.sc/b.sc/r.sc/y.sc, J/o.sc/s.sc/h.sc/u.sc/a.sc K/a.sc/p.sc/l.sc/a.sc/n.sc /ampersand.sc S/i.sc/m.sc/o.sc/n.sc/e.sc W/r.sc/e.sc/n.sc
WEBMASTER :
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BUSINESS MANAGER :
D/a.sc/n.sc/n.sc/y.sc G/a.sc/r.sc/c.sc/i.sc/a.sc
ADVISOR :
P/e.sc/t.sc/e.sc/r.sc C/h.sc/r.sc/i.sc/s.sc/t.sc/e.sc/n.sc/s.sc/o.sc/n.sc
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T/h.sc/e.sc PIONEER LOG /s.sc/e.sc/r.sc/v.sc/e.sc/s.sc /t.sc/o.sc
/i.sc/n.sc/f.sc/o.sc/r.sc/m.sc /t.sc/h.sc/e.sc L/e.sc/w.sc/i.sc/s.sc /ampersand.sc C/l.sc/a.sc/r.sc/k.sc /c.sc/o.sc/m.sc-
/m.sc/u.sc/n.sc/i.sc/t.sc/y.sc /o.sc/n.sc /i.sc/s.sc/s.sc/u.sc/e.sc/s.sc /o.sc/f.sc /c.sc/o.sc/n.sc/c.sc/e.sc/r.sc/n.sc
/t.sc/o.sc /s.sc/t.sc/u.sc/d.sc/e.sc/n.sc/t.sc/s.sc. W/e.sc /a.sc/r.sc/e.sc /c.sc/o.sc/m.sc/m.sc/i.sc/t.sc-
/t.sc/e.sc/d.sc /t.sc/o.sc /t.sc/h.sc/e.sc /f.sc/r.sc/e.sc/e.sc /a.sc/n.sc/d.sc /a.sc/r.sc/t.sc/i.sc/c.sc/u.sc/l.sc/a.sc/t.sc/e.sc /e.sc/x.sc/p.sc/r.sc/e.sc/s.sc/s.sc/i.sc/o.sc/n.sc /o.sc/f.sc /i.sc/d.sc/e.sc/a.sc/s.sc. W/e.sc /d.sc/o.sc /n.sc/o.sc/t.sc /d.sc/i.sc/s.sc/c.sc/r.sc/i.sc/m.sc/i.sc/n.sc/a.sc/t.sc/e.sc /b.sc/a.sc/s.sc/e.sc/d.sc /o.sc/n.sc /e.sc/t.sc/h.sc/n.sc/i.sc/c.sc-/i.sc/t.sc/y.sc, /g.sc/e.sc/n.sc/d.sc/e.sc/r.sc, /s.sc/e.sc/x.sc/u.sc/a.sc/l.sc /o.sc/r.sc/i.sc/e.sc/n.sc/t.sc/a.sc-/t.sc/i.sc/o.sc/n.sc, /d.sc/i.sc/s.sc/a.sc/b.sc/i.sc/l.sc/i.sc/t.sc/y.sc, /a.sc/g.sc/e.sc /o.sc/r.sc /c.sc/l.sc/a.sc/s.sc/s.sc.
W/e.sc /r.sc/e.sc/s.sc/e.sc/r.sc/v.sc/e.sc /t.sc/h.sc/e.sc /r.sc/i.sc/g.sc/h.sc/t.sc /t.sc/o.sc /r.sc/e.sc/f.sc/u.sc/s.sc/e.sc
/t.sc/o.sc /p.sc/r.sc/i.sc/n.sc/t.sc /a.sc/n.sc/y.sc /a.sc/d.sc/v.sc/e.sc/r.sc/t.sc/i.sc/s.sc/e.sc/m.sc/e.sc/n.sc/t.sc, /s.sc/u.sc/b.sc/m.sc/i.sc/s.sc/s.sc/i.sc/o.sc/n.sc, /o.sc/r.sc /a.sc/r.sc/t.sc/i.sc/c.sc/l.sc/e.sc /t.sc/h.sc/a.sc/t.sc /d.sc/o.sc/e.sc/s.sc /n.sc/o.sc/t.sc /m.sc/e.sc/e.sc/t.sc /t.sc/h.sc/e.sc /s.sc/t.sc/a.sc/n.sc/d.sc/a.sc/r.sc/d.sc/s.sc /o.sc/f.sc /t.sc/h.sc/e.sc
PIONEER LOG. A/d.sc/v.sc/e.sc/r.sc/t.sc/i.sc/s.sc/e.sc-
/m.sc/e.sc/n.sc/t.sc/s.sc, L/e.sc/t.sc/t.sc/e.sc/r.sc/s.sc /t.sc/o.sc /t.sc/h.sc/e.sc E/d.sc/i.sc/t.sc/o.sc/r.sc /a.sc/n.sc/d.sc E/d.sc/i.sc/t.sc/o.sc/r.sc/i.sc/a.sc/l.sc/s.sc /d.sc/o.sc /n.sc/o.sc/t.sc /n.sc/e.sc/c.sc/e.sc/s.sc-
/s.sc/a.sc/r.sc/i.sc/l.sc/y.sc /r.sc/e.sc/f.sc/l.sc/e.sc/c.sc/t.sc /t.sc/h.sc/e.sc /o.sc/p.sc/i.sc/n.sc/i.sc/o.sc/n.sc/s.sc /o.sc/f.sc
/t.sc/h.sc/e.sc PIONEER LOG /o.sc/r.sc L/e.sc/w.sc/i.sc/s.sc /ampersand.sc
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T/h.sc/e.sc PIONEER LOG
/zero.taboldstyle/six.taboldstyle/one.taboldstyle/five.taboldstyle SW P/a.sc/l.sc/a.sc/t.sc/i.sc/n.sc/e.sc H/i.sc/l.sc/l.sc R/d.sc.
MSC /one.taboldstyle/two.taboldstyle/one.taboldstyle
P/o.sc/r.sc/t.sc/l.sc/a.sc/n.sc/d.sc, OR /nine.taboldstyle/seven.taboldstyle/two.taboldstyle/one.taboldstyle/nine.taboldstyle
E-/m.sc/a.sc/i.sc/l.sc: /p.sc/i.sc/o.sc/l.sc/o.sc/g.sc@/l.sc/c.sc/l.sc/a.sc/r.sc/k.sc./e.sc/d.sc/u.sc
/w.sc/w.sc/w.sc./l.sc/c.sc/l.sc/a.sc/r.sc/k.sc./e.sc/d.sc/u.sc//c.sc/o.sc/l.sc/l.sc/e.sc/g.sc/e.sc/
/s.sc/t.sc/u.sc/d.sc/e.sc/n.sc/t.sc_/l.sc/i.sc/f.sc/e.sc//p.sc/i.sc/o.sc/l.sc/o.sc/g.sc
T/h.sc/e.sc PIONEER LOG /i.sc/s.sc /f.sc/u.sc/n.sc/d.sc/e.sc/d.sc /b.sc/y.sc /y.sc/o.sc/u.sc/r.sc
/s.sc/t.sc/u.sc/d.sc/e.sc/n.sc/t.sc /f.sc/e.sc/e.sc/s.sc.
S/u.sc/b.sc/s.sc/c.sc/r.sc/i.sc/p.sc/t.sc/i.sc/o.sc/n.sc/s.sc /a.sc/v.sc/a.sc/i.sc/l.sc/a.sc/b.sc/l.sc/e.sc.
C/o.sc/n.sc/t.sc/a.sc/c.sc/t.sc PIOLOG @LCLARK .EDU /f.sc/o.sc/r.sc
/m.sc/o.sc/r.sc/e.sc /i.sc/n.sc/f.sc/o.sc/r.sc/m.sc/a.sc/t.sc/i.sc/o.sc/n.sc.CRIME BEAT
by Tom Meatheat / Crime Beat / Crime Beat / Crime Beat / Crime Bea Crime Beat / Crime Beat / Crime Beat / Crime Beat / Crime Beat / Crime Beat / Crime Beat / Crime Beat / Crime B Crime Beat / Crime Beat / Crime Beat / Crime Beat / Crime Beat
t / Crime Beat / Crime Beat / Crime Beat / Crime Beat /Three days of events explore the politics of hybrid identitiesHate speech: what to do?
Continued from pg. 1, WATER
‘Twas the night before /f_i nals,
when all through the residence halls
Not a creature was stirring, not even a vandal.
/T_h e graffi ti was hung
by the toilet with care
In hopes that Offi cer Stubz soon would be there.
In the spirit of Christmas we now pres-
ent to you: /T_h e Twelve Days of Crime Beat.
Viel spaß dabei!
 A student reported graffi ti in
Templeton Student Center on Nov. 15.
 A student reported graffi ti in
Spruce Hall on Nov. 15.
 A student reported graffi ti in
Juniper Hall on Nov. 15.
On the /f_i rst day of Crime Beat,My true love sent to meAnother spree of graffi ti!
 An employee reported graffi ti in
Ponderosa Hall on Nov. 16. A student reported a theft from
the Watzek Library on Nov. 16.
On the second day of Crime Beat
My true love sent to meTwo (stolen) works of ShakespeareAnd another spree of graffi ti!
 A student reported a theft from
Watzek Library on Nov. 17.
On the third day of Crime Beat
My true love sent to me/T_h ree (pilfered) rolls of micro/f_i cheTwo (stolen) works of ShakespeareAnd another spree of graffi ti!
 An employee reported graffi ti in
Watzek Library and J.R. Howard Hall
on Nov. 21.
On the fourth day of Crime BeatMy true love gave to meFour poorly drawn penises/T_h ree (pilfered) rolls of micro/f_i cheTwo (stolen) works of ShakespeareAnd another spree of graffi ti!
 An employee reported inten-
tional damage to his personal vehicle on
Nov. 24.On the /f_i fth day of Crime BeatMy true love gave to meFive tire slashes
Four poorly drawn penises
/T_h ree (pilfered) rolls of micro/f_i che
Two (stolen) works of ShakespeareAnd another spree of graffi ti!
 A student reported theft from
the Juniper Hall kitchen on Nov. 28.
On the sixth day of Crime Beat
My true love gave to me
Six (purloined) cans of coca-cola
Five tire slashesFour poorly drawn penises/T_h ree (pilfered) rolls of micro/f_i cheTwo (stolen) works of ShakespeareAnd another spree of graffi ti!
Crime Beat / Crime Beat / Crime Beat / Crime Beat / Crime B
-/f_i cult, so there is not much that can be done to prevent it. It is still unknown who put up the swastikas or what their intended purpose is. Are the swastikas meant as they was origi-
3 shouldn’t cause more than a stomachache or diarrhea. It generally takes either one to
ten days for a person who has ingested E. coli
to show symptoms. T reatment is available
if you do get infected, although infection is also easy to avoid. Properly cleaning and cooking food is the best way to avoid E.
coli. Boiling it is a sure-/f_i re way to kill the
bacteria in contaminated water.
On campus, however, no one appeared
to be aff ected.
On Sunday
m o r n i n g
juice and
soda and wa-ter were all shut off in the Bon be-
cause of the con-
tamination.
/T_h ere was
plenty of bot-
tled water to go
around, however,
and students around
campus collaborated to boil Water reservoir contaminated-dents, reported that “a couple of students brought up the idea to my-
self and ASLC.” ASLC Chief Justice
Collin Hamilton (’10) wrote a reso-
lution proposing the possible imple-mentation of the Red Watch Band at LC, and the student senate passed the resolution four weeks ago. Ham-ilton said, “I like their mission. I read through their curriculum and ideas.” He said that ASLC and Stu-dent Life are “still thinking about it,” and is not sure “where its place would be,” because the program is “in line with classes Melissa Os-mond teaches already.”
If the Red Watch Band program
was instituted, the College would order a curriculum package, consist-ing primarily of what the program’s website describes as “a four-hour training session in which partici-
pants learn how to recognize alco-
hol emergencies and respond eff ec-
tively.” In addition, each participant would become CPR certi/f_i ed. /T_h e curriculum “would be taught here
to student leaders and students that
were interested,” said Hamilton.
“I think that it would be good
for the Lewis & Clark community
to use this program to help each oth-
er./uni00A0At its best, this program speaks to
what we as L&C community mem-
bers expect from each other—that we are caring individuals that want to help others in our community,”
said Feld-Gore.
But it is still not certain whether
or not the program will be imple-
mented. According to Feld-Gore, “we are still in the talking phase about how a program like this would look at Lewis & Clark.”
If anything does happen, it will
be next semester.water for drinking. As of now, the drinking water on campus and in the Portland area is safe to drink.Continued from pg. 1, ALCOHOL
Redwatch
programnally intended and widely used to this day,
as a sign of good luck, or were they created
in malice?
Other problems lay inherent in hate
speech codes, because some policies actually
harm the very people they are intended to protect. Brand says that the committee is tak-
ing its time to make sure that the right policy
is adopted and does not have adverse eff ects.
/uni00A0/uni00A0 /uni00A0No action is planned as of yet, but further meetings will be held in late January and ear-ly February to receive the College commu-nity’s input on the matter.
A draft will then be written, revised and
presented to the Executive Council where it will be either approved or rejected. Brand hopes that there will be a policy and/or re-sponse team in place by the start of the 2010-2011 school year. Duntley said, “Not having a code in place doesn’t stop a com-munity from assessing who we are and what standards we want to associate with.”Continued from pg. 1, HATE
ILLUSTRATION BY ALINA LARSONILLUSTRATION BY EMILY BLOCKspots and tend to burrow into them early in
the semester and never leave. The open resi -
dential spots tend to be one of the 107 spots
next to the distant wasteland of Forest Hall,
which definitely fall in the realm of “out of
the way.”
The only clear solutions are to either in -
crease the number of parking spots for com -
muters on the academic side of campus, or
to reduce the number of student commuters
vying for these precious spots.
The first solution would likely require the
construction of an expensive parking garage
on the academic side of the building, an idea
that has been proposed previously but has yet
to gain the necessary funding.
The second solution would be much more
affordable and environmentally friendly, and
likely much more appealing, but would also
require the tricky challenge of changing stu -
dents’ behaviors, which is never a straightfor -
ward task. Increased support and incentives
for carpooling could reduce the demand for
spots, but would not be nearly as surefire a
solution as the parking garage.
I propose that we begin by increasing
pressure on students to carpool now, and
keep the plans for the garage in the wings un -
til economic situations are riper for such an
undertaking. It simply does not make sense
for the driving behaviors of students and the
availability of parking to be so out of sync.3Forum the Pioneer Log, December 4, 2009
Editor’s Note: Students are
being kept in the loop at LC
Around the time that Dean of Students
Celestino Limas announced on November
19 that smoking on campus would be con -
fined to eight designated smoking areas by
next fall, a large grey banner appeared near
the entrance of Howard Hall. The ban -
ner expressed a certain sentiment regarding
the new policy in very clear, albeit sarcastic,
terms: “The Administration is taking away
smoking from LC. Thanks for letting us
know.”
By revealing this discontent about the
administration’s communication with the
LC community
at large, those
who put up the
banner indicate
something about
themselves—they
do not utilize the
resources the ad -
ministration of -
fers and they are
unskilled at keeping themselves informed
about the goings-on at LC.
The banner makes this evident in the sec -
ond part of the giant banner’s declaration:
“Thanks for letting us know.”
This derisive remark suggests that the ad -
ministration did not inform the Lewis &
Clark community about this potential deci -
sion. It suggests that the process of coming
to this rather considerable conclusion about
smoking on campus excluded students and
other members of the LC community.
Unlike the recent decision to heavily ren -
ovate and add to the Chapel, about which
members of the administration admitted
they did not keep students in the loop, the
smoking policy debate was made very pub -
lic and even accessible to interested students
and faculty.
Last February, the Substance Use and
Abuse Task Force, which is co-chaired by Li -
mas and Associate Director of Health Pro -
motion and Wellness Melissa Osmond, of -
fered students, faculty and staff of the LC
community a chance to give their input
about smoking on campus through an on -
line survey. Not only did many members of
the campus as a whole take the survey, but
of the 895 people who did complete it, 634
were students—that is over 70 percent.
Following this opportunity to add to the
conversation about smoking on campus, the by Sanne Stienstra
It’s that time of year again: When houses
are a-glow with twinkling strings of lights,
Christmas trees begin to grace the living
rooms of houses across the nation, and the
holiday season is upon us. Walking into
Templeton, the air smells of fresh cut pine
and I’ve heard people “Ooh” and “Ah” over
the beautiful trees in the foyer and the Bon.
“Yay, it’s Christmas!”
Ah yes, yet another holiday: Another oc -
casion to spend too much money, eat too
much food, perhaps drink too much and
definitely abuse Mother Earth with our holi -
day cheer.
Let me start off by saying I’m not a fan of
Christmas. I’m not necessarily a Grinch, but
I’m not far off—so if Christmas is near and
dear to your heart, you might want to turn
the page.
With that disclaimer, I would now like
to explore why we feel it’s necessary to up
our energy consumption and waste distribu -
tion, all in celebration of Christmas. T win -
kly lights are very amusing to me, as to any Devil’s Advocate: This Grinch would like a green Christmas
by Lindsey BosseParking on campus sucks. As any one of
the countless students roaming the campus
at 11:24 a.m on Monday morning looking
for a parking spot even remotely near their
next class can attest, there are simply too few
convenient and open spots, and too many
grumpy commuters trying to park.
There are 1,283
parking spots on the en -
tirety of our lovely cam -
pus, which sounds like
quite a lot—until you
subtract the spots at
the Law School, South
Campus, Huston Field,
handicapped spots,
spots reserved for Law
School students, spots
reserved for professors,
spots reserved for visi -
tors and spots tucked
away behind the resi -
dence halls. When you
look only at spots that
a commuter could and
would park in, there are
only about 275 avail -
able spots on campus.
Last year there aver -
aged about 728 com -
muter passes in circula -
tion for each semester.
Mind you, this number includes graduate
students and Law School students with com -
muter passes, but keep in mind also that the
discontinuation of the Sellwood Shuttle has
likely resulted in an increase in undergradu -
ate commuters.
While there are too few reasonable spots
available for the number of student commut -
ers, there are far more spots (292 to be ex -
act) for residential students with cars, which
totaled only about 160 last year. Thus the
problem is not too few parking spots, but an
imbalance in the number of parking spots on
the academic and residential sides of campus.
A seemly simple solution available for this
imbalance is for commuters to simply park
on the residential side of campus. Propo -
nents of this strategy would point to many
resident spots, like those by Stewart, Akin
and Odell.
Unfortunately resident students with au -
tomobiles who often live in these dorms or
in the nearby apartments also prize these Campus parking troubles
by Tom Meath
ILLUSTRATION BY ALINA LARSONParking for students is restricted to a certain area
surrounding campus, which is indicated by the
thicker line on the map. IMAGE FROM LCLARK.EDUresults of the survey were made public. Li -
mas even presented the results in a few dif -
ferent forums.
The fact that this transparency on the part
of the administration and the task force re -
sponsible for the decision was met with deri -
sion and sarcasm speaks to a sad deficiency
on the part of the students. While there was
admittedly a large gap between the time the
survey was given and when the decision was
announced (about 10 months—long enough
to forget about all the task force did leading
up to the decision), students have a responsi -
bility to maintain the sources of information
that are available to all members of the LC
community.
At the recent
senior forum on
November 16,
which was host -
ed by the senior
class senators, stu -
dents who have
been on campus
for nearly four
years expressed some of their woes—nearly
all of which were kindly answered by ASLC
President Brad Elkins (’10) and the sena -
tors. From questions about the Chapel addi -
tion, off-campus party policy and the brown
lawns this summer, nearly every query or
qualm posed by these seniors was met with
a cogent explanation of the process and what
opportunities were made available during
the evolution of the decision.
“No one is trying to trick you,” Elkins
said at the forum. “You just have to ask ques -
tions and people will give you an answer. You
can’t just say ‘What’s going on?’ because a lot
of things are going on.”
Elkins began to hint where the banner in
Howard hit home—while the administra -
tion does everything in its power to make
students aware of what is happening on cam -
pus, students have an equal responsibility to
inform themselves about the issues at LC.
The general populace of Americans is not
lucky enough to have administrators and
staff compiling all the most important up -
dates on one webpage, in mass e-mails and
on fliers around town, nor do they have RAs,
ADs, professors, staff and peers at their dis -
posal to track down vital information.
So next time you feel like complaining
about not being informed, take the time to
educate yourself first. Just like in class, a little
research can go a long way.
other human being, and I enjoy looking at
them, a lot. However, when we look at the
extravagant arrays of Christmas light dis -
plays around our nation alone, how can we
not step back and objectively see what we
are doing?
We all turn off the lights when we walk
out of a room, but in December we light
up the whole front yard and leave
those lights on through
the night, through the
month and sometimes
through the season.
Here’s a really crazy
concept: Let’s only
have Christmas dec -
orations out during
the week of Christ -
mas. I know, I know,
what complete con -
sumer blasphemy, but
it doesn’t sound too ri -
diculous to me. In ad -
dition, we could leave
the lights on for only an
hour or so every night. Who is really looking at Christmas lights at
2 a.m.? Christmas is one day long, but we
seem to think it lasts from
the day after Thanksgiving
until the most convenient
time to take decorations
down—sometime between
February and April.
The average house -
hold that decorates
for Christmas will
see at least a $100
up in their en -
ergy bill due to
Christmas lights
alone. For some
people that’s no
problem finan -
cially, but what
they don’t realize
is that when the
cost goes up, that
means that their
carbon footprint is
undoubtedly growing.
Then there’s wrapping paper. And boxes. And countless slaughtered,
dried, brown pine trees. Not to mention all
the bags from shopping and the increase in
goods being shipped and transported here
and there. Overall, Christmas has to be one
of the most earth-damaging extravaganzas
there is. I realize there is no way of avoiding
this massacre all together, but since we are
all very aware citizens of this planet, I think
this year we can all make a conscious effort
to attempt to cut back on our environmental
impact.
Reuse and recycle your wrapping paper,
boxes and other materials that go along with
gift giving. Use LED Christmas lights. Do
your best to buy gifts locally, to cut back on
gas consumption for shipping trucks. Buy
your Christmas trees from local places or cut
your own, again to avoid those huge semi
trucks that cart Christmas trees for miles and
miles.
Just be conscious of everything you do
in the name of “the holiday spirit.” The holi -
days are all fine and dandy, but it’s not the
Earth’s responsibility to absorb the waste of
our celebration.The banner expressed a
certain sentiment regarding
the new policy in very clear,
albeit sarcastic, terms.Problems with parking on campus and some possible solutions. Volume 73, Number 1 Forum 4 the Pioneer Log, December 4, 2009
ADVERTISEMENTIt’s cold outside. The trees are naked. Everyone’s backs are
sore from hunching over books, and we all talk about “free
time” like we’ve just returned from its funeral. End of semes -
ter blues, baby. But hey! Wait! Remember why we’re all here?
Didn’t we come with much more in mind than projects, pa -
pers and finals? Of course we did, but these stress-stimulat -
ing features of college are necessary; sad, but true.
Fortunately we’re not alone because all of us have proj -
ects, papers and finals. What camaraderie we all should have
for each other! Think about it: we eat, sleep, study, laugh
and play together every semester. Our roommates know our
schedules, sometimes better than we do. Our friends remind
us to eat. Our classmates reach out with mass emails ask -
ing, “Who else feels like we should all study together? How
about Sunday, I’ll bring coffee if you bring donuts.” When you think about it, we’re currently in one of the biggest sup -
port groups we could find ourselves: the LC campus.
So why are we here again? For those three-hour finals and
17 page papers. For chugging coffee like it’s water and we’ve
just run a marathon. For forcing ourselves into seclusion un -
til we get work done. Essentially, this is all part of the pro -
cess. Sometimes, though, all these unfortunate situations pile
on us and make us want to turn to the sky and scream.
Let’s reflect for a moment, guys: think back to your senior
year of high school (I know, kind of scary). You remember
the day that you received your acceptance letter for LC. You
remember the day you accepted their offer. You remember
arriving on campus, moving in and meeting new people,
all who were incredible, dynamic characters. Don’t you re -
member any of these extraordinary moments that were all
brought to you courtesy of LC? Of course when you’re waist-
deep in books, sometimes remembering these landmark mo -ments is hard. In reflection, however, weren’t we all elated?
Sometimes, when we think the world is going to fall to piec -
es, we need to think back on how much we actually do love
LC. Yes, even when it’s 3 a.m. and you’re still not finished
with that research paper.
Outside of all the moments that led us here, what about
all the moments we’ve actually had here? Romps through the
ravine, sunny days by the pool, epic poetry slams, late nights
discussing intellectual perspectives on the meaning of life…
You wouldn’t get your morning smile if it weren’t for Betty
at the Bon. You couldn’t make inapropriate sex jokes about
your cafetreria if it weren’t named the Bon. Where else would
you get to run through bushes dubbed Narnia? Not in the
rest of the world, that’s for sure. Eye-gasming scenery, in -
triguing peers, drag shows and weed forums. Guys, we’re
right where we want to be, and while the next week or two
might be killing you, LC loves you, baby.Feelin’ the love for good ol’ Lewis & Clark College
by Lindsey BosseFeatures 5 the Pioneer Log, December 4, 2009
Style Source
by Kathryn Miller
I cut the collars off dress
shirts. There’s just always
so much collar, and this
allows for more scarf.
It’s more a vague conjura -
tion. I bet you want examples,
right? The clearest I have is
proust, reclining in his lit -
tle bed with his little hat.
Such an effeminate, petite
fellow could only have been
named Marcel. These I got at Winn Perry, the best goddamn men’s clothing
store in portland. I found out recently that you’re not sup -
posed to wear leather shoes day after day, you need to take
a day off so the leather doesn’t stay wet. So I would like
to get an alternate pair from To Boot New York.
moscot lemtosh frames: the next investment
envisioning fiction them shoes
dapper mafaka
nine days out >>>>
friday saturday sunday
monday tuesday wednesday
thursday friday saturday4 5 6
7 8 9
10 11 12December 4 to 12
Holiday movies, s’mores and peppermint ice cream
Presented by the Manzanita RAs
T amarack, 8 p.m.African Dance Concert
A music department event
Evans Auditorium, 2 p.m.
LC African Marimba Ensemble
Following the SDS meeting
Co-Op, 6:30 p.m.An Evening with Barra Brown
A sophomore flute recital
Evans Auditorium, 8:30 p.m.
READING DAYS READING DAYS72 hour film festival
Beginning noon on Saturday, ending noon Wednesday
T amarack, schedule to be posted in T amarackLewis & Clark Electronic Music Concert
LC students perform original compositions
Evans Auditorium, 7 p.m.New Year’s Party
A Russian Club event
T amarack, 6 p.m.chopin. italian cinema. aardvark sauce. dalkey archive press. the new yorker. cigars. walks. guitar [playing]. coffee [black]. scarves.photos by Sam Margevicus
I dress up almost everyday, or i try to. Some days I feel old, some days young,
like everybody. When I feel old I dress up, On young days, you know, sweatpants.
Well, sweatpants is an exaggeration. I walk around my house in my soccer shorts,
but when I’m at school, yeah, I get myself together. I’ve always really liked
dressing up everyday. It’s what I do as an engaged human being.
BRIAN DOOSY ’10
Santa Barbara, CA
English
“style: it’s egregiously ne glected”
augmentationVolume 73, Number 1 Features 6 the Pioneer Log, December 4, 2009
As the cold rain that typifies our city be -
gins to fall ceaselessly, we could all use a little
comfort. Luckily, the Thrifty Gourmet has
two recommendations this month that are
sure to satisfy your needs in these dark win -
ter days.
First, we went to Hot Pot City. I had to
do quite a bit of sleuthing to find this little
gem but it was well worth it. I am a sucker
for a quirky food experience and this place
did me right. Hot Pots are the Southeast
Asian version of fondue (just stick with me
here; I will explain).
When you walk into the restaurant you
must first choose your soup base. This is a
crucial decision. There are lots to choose
from, including: Thai-style (spicy with lots
of limey zing), Korean-style (pickled cabbage
in a mild meat broth), Ma La Chinese-style
(spicy enough to rid you of any winter ill -
nesses) and vegetable broth. The base goes
into your own individual metal soup pot
(only if you sit at the bar), which is set down
into the table and left to simmer away.
Now comes the fun part! You head over
to the bar and choose your fillers. Hot Pot
City offers a wide array of add-ins, including
chicken, lamb, two types of tofu, raw oysters,
tripe, cabbage, lettuce, mushrooms, toma -
toes and broccoli. Pick what looks appetiz -
ing to you and plop it into the broth. The
darling owner, who is extremely invested in
your happiness, will tell you to let the soup
come to a boil “just in case.” When you are ready, you use a little metal strainer to scoop
out your fillers, then add broth, top it off
with a variety of seasoning sauces, and go to
town. This all-you-can-eat soupy fun is only
$14 for dinner or $9 for lunch, and your bill
comes with a mini candy bar.
If the do-it-yourself dining experience
is not for you, then head over to Bambuza
Vietnamese Bistro. Located in the chic South
Waterfront District, this restaurant caters to
the business lunch crowd. It is well decorat -
ed with hanging paper lamps and bamboo. I
was encouraged to see that almost half of the
people lunching looked to be Vietnamese.
I have heard about the Pho craze
in Portland but had never actu -
ally tried it, so I thought it
was time to see what all
the fuss was about. Pho
is made up of a light
broth into which are thrown
a meat of your choice, noodles,
bean sprouts, cilantro, lime, pep -
pers and who-knows-what-else.
I would describe the result as
a salad soup. I loved it.
Bambuza also offers simi -
lar ingredients over rice in
their grilled noodle/rice
bowls, a wide variety of
tempting appetizers—
lots of which include
seafood—both papa -
ya and mango salads,
Vietnamese sandwich -
es and curries.The Thrifty Gourmet: Hot Pot City & Bambuza
by Simone Wren
The portions are big enough for two full
meals, and my chicken Pho only cost $8.
So, if you have the sniffly thesis or finals
blues, head to Hot Pot City or Bambuza to
drown your sorrows in some soup.
Hot Pot City
1975 SW 1st Ave # J
Bambuza
3682 SW Bond AveEavesdropping
“If she wanted to get laid she
should have gone to
state school.”
“I don’t know what being is,
and I’m not sure time really
exists.”
“If it’s after 7:30 on campus
and you’re hungry, you might
think about transferring.”
“He’s really cute when he tries
to use his brain.”
Send your eavesdroppings
to piolog@lclark.edu!HOW TO:
make homemade
notebooks for
holiday gifts
by Deanna Horton and Megan Quint
Gather supplies. You’ll need:
-Cardboard (from a cereal box, etc.)
-Scissors
-Rubber cement, Modge Podge, or
glue.
-Stapler
-Recycled paper (you can use old
flyers, rough drafts, etc.)
-Old magazines
-Pens to write a note inside
1.
2.
3.
4.Cut out a piece of cardboard to the preferred size and fold so that
there are two equal-sized covers, a spine, and a flap if desired. If the
cardboard has a shiny side, try to remove that layer so that the pasted
magazine clippings will stay.Use magazine clippings to decorate the outside, the
front inside cover and the inside flap while leaving the
inside back cover blank. This is where you will attach
the pages.
To make the pages, cut several sheets of recycled pa -
per to twice the desired page size so that it can be fold -
ed over and stapled in the middle. Note that if you use
pages with writing on one side, your notebook pages
will be one-sided (as pictured to the left).
You can glue the last page to the inside back cover
to attach it to the cardboard.
Finally, add personal touches such as notes on the
front page or drawings throughout. Be creative!Making gifts out of recycled materials is easy, fun and cheap. Not to
mention it’s good for the environment. These notebooks are a personal and
creative way to wish your loved ones, especially students, a jolly season. All
you’ll need are a few common and easily obtainable supplies.
School and Community Reuse Action Project (SCRAP), a non-profit
organization in Portland, is a great place to get lots of materials for cheap
to add creative touches to your notebook. SCRAP is located at NE MLK &
Stanton. Visit their website at scrapaction.org.
ILLUSTRATION BY EMILY BLOCK7Features the Pioneer Log, December 4, 2009
No-shave November ends
by Megan Quint
The members of Lewis & Clark’s Beard
Appreciation Society gathered in the Akin
main lounge T uesday night to celebrate the
end of No Shave November, a time-honored
test of facial hair stamina. The lounge, called
“headquarters” by the society members, was
decorated for the festivities with images of fa -
mous beard-bearers, like Abraham Lincoln.
The events of the evening were three-fold.
First, the members offered their best Blue
Steel impersonations during a steamy calen -
dar photo shoot, to the catcalls of onlookers.
However, many members claimed that their
beards weren’t always so desirable.
“Fall Ball was really intimidating...we
were worried about getting dates,” said
“Baby” Neil Murray (’13), “but whenever
any of us had doubts about three guys would
be there to encourage him to keep going.
If we can get through Fall Ball we can get
through anything.”
“Beard haters suck,” said “Kill Ball” Neal
Walker (’11).
The second part of the event was a Best
Beard competition, judged by the society’s
female members. The 10 competitors were
critiqued on aesthetic quality and presenta -
tion.
“I feel like a hairy piece of meat,” said
Benjamin Mosley (’12).
After several minutes of deliberation,
the judges doled out certificates of achieve -
ment to all participants, along with shaving
products for the runners-up and moustache
combs for those with the most wow-worthy
whiskers.
The judges also awarded individual
achievements such as Most Kissable, Most Shocking, Most Persistent, Most Potential
and Softest.
Finally, Jesse “Were-” Wolfson (’10) was
crowned the winner.
“Beards are healthy, attractive and you
can save food for later in them and the Bon
won’t say anything to you,” said Wolfson,
President of the Beard Appreciation Society.
“My beard idols are Fidel Castro, Gandalf
the Grey and Jesus,” said Wolfson.
During his Best Beard acceptance speech,
Wolfson became slightly more sentimental.
“It’s been a long, hard beard and a bat -
tle. Without you guys I wouldn’t have made
it.”
Wolfson, referred to by other members as
the Patron Saint of facial hair, entertains no
plans to shave his celebrated beard, which he
has been growing since May 30.
The sense of achievement and camarade -
rie was profuse amongst the members, evi -
denced by the friendly slap on the behind
each received before being subjected to the
scrutiny of the judges.
“We didn’t have a cause. Our cause was
brotherhood,” said Kevin Vitz-Wong (’12).
The final attraction of the evening was the
Great Beard Shave Off.
For this, the action moved upstairs to the
Akin communal bathroom. On the count of
three the buzz of razors began and the crowd
emitted a noise, a mix of cries and cheers.
Within 15 minutes, all the beards had fallen.
Most of the formerly bearded celebrated
the dissolution of their month-long project.
“I feel better without it. It feels great,”
said Mosely.
“I’m coming home,” said Vitz-Wong.
Others weren’t so enthusiastic about their
loss, describing the shave as “saddening.”
Saddening perhaps, but also so much fun.
Japan Night: Karaoke and Kimonos
PHOTOS BY SAM MARGEVICIUS Now you can read
the PioLog online at
www.piolog.comPHOTOS BY HANNAH PRINCE
Above: Students perform Japanese language karaoke. Below: Among the models in the
Japan Night fashion show were Pikachu and Sailor Moon.Above: Anna Lofstrand (’13) examines the beard of the aptly-named Dan -
iel Shaver (’13) during the Best Beard competition. Below: The members
of the Beard Appreciation Society before their collective shave.Volume 73, Number 1 Arts 8 the Pioneer Log, December 4, 2009
GET OFF YER ASS: winter special
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s here. For every girl that has
danced around in her underwear getting ready for school
belting “Succexy” and every boy that’s listened to “Torture
Me” and thought about what could transpire, Metric is on its
way to Portland. Save the date: December 8. For those of you
who haven’t been on the ball, there are still tickets available.
And if I haven’t convinced you to go yet, it’s at the Crystal
Ballroom.
Hipsters and hippies embrace in their love for Metric,
comprised of lead singer slash guitarist slash synthesizer god -
dess Emily Haines, guitarist James Shaw, bassist Josh Win -
stead and drummer Joules Scott-Key. Thus far on their tour,
the Canadian indie-rock group has gotten great reviews.
Haines’s “charm and charisma was epitomized by her contin -
ual bopping around, striking poses, and interacting with the
audience,” wrote Skot Deeming on guttersnipenews.com.
And would we expect anything less of Emily Haines? The an -
swer is no, come on. We love the girl; hell, we’re in Portland,
right? From Grow Up and Blow Away to Fantasies , we’ve been
amazed by the eccentric combination of head-banging guitar
and techno trances; Emily’s pleading voice has convinced us
that while she “hardwires” we will “learn to play guitar.” Bot -
tom line, ladies and gentlemen: If you’re free next T uesday,
you should join me and some other beautiful people on our
way to the Crystal Ballroom to swoon over Metric.
— Lindsey Bosse
Metric
Tuesday, Dec. 8
Crystal Ballroom / 1332 W. Burnside
8 p.m. / $20 / all agesMEtric
Disney has finally decided to squash its racist reputation.
Maybe. Walt Disney Pictures is set to release The Princess and
the Frog , a full-length hand-drawn animated film and Dis -
ney’s first featuring a black princess. Poor Walt is probably
rolling over in his grave.
This “classical tale with a modern twist” is set in New
Orleans and the mystic Louisiana Bayou. It chronicles the
young Prince Naveen as he travels to New Orleans to learn
about jazz.
T ricked by “a sinister, charismatic practitioner” (read:
voodoo man), he is transformed into a talking frog. When
found by Tiana, a bright girl who “knows everything about
cooking and running a business,” Prince Naveen convinces
her to give him just one kiss. Unfortunately, due to either
faulty voodoo or an evil plot, the kiss turns Tiana into a talk -
ing frog too.
Naveen and Tiana, with the help of a lovesick lightning
bug and an obese alligator that walks on two legs (because it’s
not Disney without talking sidekicks) set out to find Mama
Odie, “the 200-year-old blind Bayou Fairy Godmother”
(read: witch doctor). the princess and the frog
After an adventure to, most likely, find true love and their
true identities, set to the score of everyone’s best pal, Randy
Newman, I predict everyone will leave the theater either in -
spired or mortified.
The Princess and the Frog has the capacity to either redeem
Disney for denying an entire race for about 60 year or to
completely demolish any chance for redemption, ever.
In fact, this film may already be too little, too late. There
really is no excuse—even Universal Pictures made The Wiz .
Nevertheless, you do have to hand it to Disney for finally
confronting one of its most disturbing critiques, even if it
turns out to be complete disaster.
The film has received support from many prominent
black women, including Tyra Banks, for its positive impact
on young black girls. Oprah Winfrey even shows her support
with her very own cameo as Eudora, Tiana’s mother.
Don’t be afraid to check out this new Disney classic, but
prepare yourself to be overwhelmed, either by that all-over-
good feeling or that hatred for geographical stereotyping.
— Nichole Carnell
Opens nationwide December 11.T useday night at Holocene features some widely differing
artists, and you are holding in your hands the juiciest two
previews of them in town.
Most unusual for this staid indie venue and dance club is
the Dutch lutenist Jozef van Wissem. The lute itself perhaps
conjures visions of powdered wigs, browned, dusty scores
and esoteric classical concert halls, but van Wissem seems to
have done his very best to place himself as a musical package
firmly in the 21st century.
He achieves this by combining the true and honestly pre -
sented sound of an instrument rarely written for since the
Renaissance with 20th and 21st century avant-garde tech -
niques. Van Wissem’s compositions might be called sound -
scapes if they emerged from more reverberant devices, but
the steady oscillation of his instrument’s brittle, wooden (I
can think of no more apt a word for the slightly de-tuned
timbre of the lute’s reverberation) arpeggios gives a tranquil-
verging-on-Philip-Glass feel to the stuff.
However, his music sounds less mechanical than Glass’s
and thus much more expressive. According to his biography,
van Wissem “cuts and pastes classical pieces, reverses melo -
dies, [and] adds electronics and processed field recordings
made at airport lounges and train stations.”
I had trouble distinguishing such appealingly experimen -
tal elements in some of van Wissem’s recordings, but I look
forward to the added excitement of watching him in person
break a number of barriers: old/new, classical/experimental,
and acoustic/electronic.
Saudade will drench the pristinely dry space constructed
by van Wissem with damp, shredded clouds of reverb and
distortion. This Portland duo’s completely electronic work
builds upon luscious samples and field recordings with arcs
of fiery guitar and keyboards that leave a shockingly deep
emotional imprint.
My first thought after Saudade finished their regrettably
short set this last July—also at Holocene—was that it was
perhaps the saddest music I’d ever heard performed live; it
seemed appropriate when I found that, according to their
biography at Arena Rock Recording Company, the “collabo -
ration ensued while working in the trenches of a psychiatric
residential treatment facility.”
Though they are united through electronics, there
is a large divide between the “glo-fi”/“chillwave”
fad of summer 2009 and Saudade’s ambitious,
emotionally resonant compositions.
However, the two worlds share an intriguing
sort of primitivism I’ve noticed recently, one that
rejoices in wailing, distorted vocals, thunderously
echoing drums, and the marriage of these with
electronic sound ranging from shiny and slinky
to completely fucked.
In any case, Saudade (which means “longing”
in Portuguese, sort of) is sure to yank real hard
on whatever heart-strings you’ve still got left.
— Chris Keady
Stiffwiff, Jozef van Wissem, Saudade
Tuesday, Dec. 8
Holocene / 1001 SE Morrison
8 p.m. / $6 / 21+Incest is beautiful in the world of jazz. In this genre more
than any other, musicians get down together, eager for the
concept, philosophy and style that will thrust a piece into
that unpredictable, indigo dynamism that good jazz is
known for.
This search for dynamism yields some stand-up perfor -
mances. The Ben Darwish Group and Sam Howard Band,
who will be performing at Jimmy Mak’s on Friday, are no
exception.
Darwish has made music with some heavy hitting figures
on the Portland Jazz scene, including Kevin Mohagany, Rich
Perry, Ron Miles, Devin Phillips, Esperanza Spalding and
Alan Jones.
The Ben Darwish Group is a trio of men, with Darwish
on piano, Eric Gruber on bass, and Jason Palmer whacking
the drums. The group has been touted widely and boasts a
slew of awards, including a nomination at the 2009 Portland
Music Awards for “Outstanding Achievement in Jazz.”
At a live performance, you might hear samples of rock
and pop classics like the Beatles’ “Hey Bulldog.” Expect to
hear new originals as well as work from the group’s second
and most recent album, Ode to Consumerism (2009) .
The record showcases wild time signature changes and
original, sometimes lyrical, melodies that devolve into dis -
sonance and later evolve into heady coherence. Moments of
recognition and clarity ground the listener amid the storm of
sincere invention.
The Sam Howard Band will flash some gutsy, bluesy tunes
as well, certainly collaborating with the Ben Darwish Group
to demonstrate some of the smoothest incest Portland has
seen.
— Kathryn Miller
The Ben Darwish Group,The Sam Howard Band
Tonight
Jimmy Mak’s / 221 NW 10th Ave.
8 p.m. / $10 / all ages until 9:30 p.m.saudade & van wissem
sexy jazz
Like the utensil, the band Spoon has a variety of styles
and uses. For the band, styles range from punk to pop. Uses
range from political protests to emotional odes with cameras
and Japanese cigarette cases.
Spoon has catchy yet cynical pop songs criticizing politi -
cians: “Don’t Make Me a Target” protests a certain president
with lines such as “Clubs and sticks and bats and balls / For
nuclear dicks with dialect drawls.”
On the other hand, object-centered tracks such as “I T urn
My Camera On” focus on personal issues where singer and
guitarist Britt Daniel sings “I turn my camera on / I cut my
fingers on the way / I feel me slippin away / I wipe my feel -
ings off / Ya made me untouchable for life.”
As for more punk-styled songs, Spoon has tracks such as
the appropriately-titled “Mountain of Sound,” where the
guitar constantly builds to a greater height while the percus -
sion scrambles to provide a steady base.
Instrumentally, Spoon uses a standard guitar, bass, drums
set-up occasionally augmented by horn sections equally apt
for carrying the melody.
On their latest album, Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga , Spoon does what
few “accessible” bands do well: have depth—emotionally, po -
litically, instrumentally.
Spoon can weave catchy, accessible melodies with genu -
inely creative arrangements and lyrics which give their al -
bums a depth great for re-listens.
Even the worst of Spoon’s more recent albums, Gimme
Fiction , in which they focus too much on developing their
distinct style to the detriment of the melodies, has hits like “I
T urn My Camera On” and “I Summon You.”
Looking forward, Spoon’s upcoming album Transference ,
seems to have a shift in style back toward the band’s old -
er albums, as evidenced by one of its tracks, “Got Nuffin,”
released already on an eponymous EP . “Got Nuffin” would
suggest that T ransference will be a darker record with a less
laid-back tone than its predecessor, Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga .
Because Transference is coming out on January 19 (its re -
lease was moved up a week), it seems likely that Spoon will
play some new songs—keeping with the band’s tradition of
offering some kind of bonus, be it an
unpredictable melody or entirely
new song.
Whether they keep the
horn sections and laid-
back style of Ga Ga Ga
Ga Ga or go back to
their earlier intensity,
Spoon has developed
some-
thing
that
s h i n e s
through in their per -
formances: a plethora of
pop melodies.
— Joshua Kaplan
SPOON, Black Joe Lewis
Next Friday, Dec. 11
Crystal Ballroom
8 p.m. / $25 / all agesThings to do in and around Portland as lights are strung and dreams of life-after-finals run through your head.
Spoon
ILLUSTRATION BY EMILY BLOCKPHOTO COURTESY BIG HASSLE9Arts the Pioneer Log, December 4, 2009
Dance dance revolution: this weekend
ADVERTISEMENTSeventy-two students and a semester’s worth of
work: this is Dance Extravaganza. Entirely student-
produced and performed, this year’s show showcases
nine choreographers: Kayla Hartman (’10), Anna
Bunk (’10), Julia Ingram (’11), Louise T rueheart (’12), Tali Morrison (’11), Lilly Heilveil (’11), Nikima Jag-udajev (’12), Maya Seidel (’12) and Stephanie Bellis-
simo (’11); produced by Erin Dees (’10). Featuring
seven modern and hip hop dances with minimal sets,
the Extravaganza is a chance for a relatively danceless college to revel in the art. “It’s too bad there’s no dance department [at LC], because there’s a lot of talent here,” said T rueheart. “We wish there was more danc-ing.” /T_h is weekend, there will be.
—Caitlin McCarthy
T onight and tomorrow at 7:30 and 10:00 p.m. at Fir Acres. $10; $7 faculty and senior citizens; $5 students. Tickets at box offi ce until 5 p.m., or one hour before show.
PHOTOS COURTESY KATHRYN WLODARCZYKVolume 73, Number 1 Sports 10 the Pioneer Log, December 4, 2009
The Neverending StoryThe Weekly Wheelhouse with Robin Aubry
Why can’t we be friends? The student-athlete at Lewis & Clark.
by Robin Aubry
Guard Christina Herring (’11) notched her first double-double of the sea -
son with 20 points and 11 assits. She also added five steals in the win.Pioneer Athlete Profiles

Devon Baker (’11)
Defensive Lineman
LC Football
Beaverton, OR
Beaverton High School

Gummi Bears or Gummi Worms: Worms

What would you bring with to the proverbi -
al desert island?: Playstation 3 and Modern
Warfare 2

Beach or Mountains: Beach

Ski or Snowboard: Snowboard

Star Wars or Star T rek: Star Wars

Blondes, Brunettes, or Redheads: Blondes,
no change it to brunette. Brunette.

Cricket or Croquet: Cricket

Ham or T urkey: Ham. I’m a big fan of
ham.

Superman or Batman: Superman, because
Sean [Kelly] likes Batman
Leader or Follower: Follower

Guns or Knives: Guns with bayonets

Rock or Rap: Rock

Describe the last weeks of school: A real
struggle.

Feelings about Velcro: I like it. It makes life
easier.

Ultimate sports dream: To beat Linfield or
Willamette.

Michaela Satter (’11)
Utility
LC Softball
McKinleyville, CA
Arcata High School

Gummi Bears or Gummi Worms:
Worms

What would you bring with to the
proverbial desert island? Iced Tea,
neverending Ice Tea. I could survive
off that.

Beach or Mountains: Mountains

Ski or Snowboard: Snowboard

Star Wars or Star T rek: Star Wars

Blondes, Brunettes, or Redheads: Blondes

Cricket or Croquet: Cricket. Croquet is so
boring.


Ham or T urkey:
Turkey

Superman or Bat -
man: Batman

Leader or
Follower: Leader

Guns or Knives:
Knives, way less
scary.

Rock or Rap: Rap

Describe the last weeks of school: You’re in
a hole and happiness is looking down on
you from the top. You gotta build your
own ladder .

Feelings about Velcro: It pulls your hair
out. I kind of don’t like it. You know, like
the [softball] visors.Frank Deford, a sports columnist for
NPR, once said, “It is simply beyond
the capacity of avaricious men to create
a fair system wherein genuine amateur
students play so that they might accumu -
late great sums of money and prestige for
their repositories of higher learning.” In
other words, jocks ain’t scholars.
I strongly disagree. (Though I myself
am an athlete on the baseball team. Does
that put a blemish on my journalistic cre -
dentials?)
However, this raises a critique of stu -
dent-athletes held by a faction of Lewis
& Clark students.
“Students think we’re like the jocks in
the movies,” said baseball player Roland
Greene (’11), “as if all we do is party.”
This just can’t be the case. We are a
Division III school.
“The goal in Division III is to both
have fun and get an education,” said
Greene.
Last year, 59 athletes earned NWC
Scholar-Athlete recognition, reserved for
athletes who retain a 3.5 GPA or better.
This year even more athletes are expected
to earn a place on the list, as the amount
of student-athletes has grown.
Still, some students question why the
athletes are at this institution. And, it
seems as if most of the students’ negative
focus goes towards the men’s football,
baseball, and basketball teams.
Many who I spoke to felt uneasy
about their comments being published;
however, there were some exceptions.
“When I see a baseball player,” said
Christopher Anderson (’11), “I imme -
diately think that that person is a rude,
messy, homophobic, arrogant douche
bag.” During his first year of residence in
Copeland hall, Anderson lived across
from a quad of baseball players, who of -
ten left messes in the hall and tossed the
word “fag” around daily.
“There are some bad apples from both
sides,” said baseball player David LaDou -
ceur (’10) “and that’s how stereotypes are
made.”
“This school makes itself out to be ac -
cepting, but what I’ve seen is that you’re
only accepted if you believe the same
thing,” said baseball player Zach Perez
(’13).
Other athletes I spoke to reported
hardships with classes because they had
to miss days of class to travel to competi -
tions. One student told me he felt “pun -
ished” by professors for being an athlete,
an idea echoed by other athletes.
Several students have brought forth
major complaints with athletics and the
athletics administration. You’ll remem -
ber the instance two weeks ago when
there was a misunderstanding of an ath -
letics promotion for football and bas -
ketball games. It was also suggested that
Lewis & Clark flew Crown College over
to lose at the homecoming football game.
Students with such poor information
are often caught saying things with hurt -
ful implications, perhaps unintention -
ally. Judging by the frequency of such
comments, one begins to think that the
allegations stem simply from the student
community assuming the worst of our
athletics program.
I do not expect any student to turn to
the nearest football player and give him
a teary-eyed and apologetic hug. I hope,
though, that students will reconsider
judging a team or even the entire athletic
program based on a few “bad apples.”
Pioneer women’s basket -
ball takes two big wins
The women’s team added two more wins
to their now 4-1 overall record this last week
defeating Concordia and Corban College.
The Pios slipped past Concordia in a 77-74
win before the break. Kristina Williams (’13)
lead the team with an impressive 27 points,
followed by fellow guard Christina Herring
(’11) with 20 points.
The Concordia Cavaliers took a 10-point
lead early in the second quarter, but the Pios
would come back before the half with a big
shots from Williams and Sara Villanueva
(’13).
The Pios came out ready to work taking
a quick 7-point advantage in the first two minutes. The Cavs gave the Pios a fight as
both team battled for the lead until late in
the game.
Herring was a force on the floor in the
Pio defeat against the Cavs putting up her
first double-double of the season, adding 11
assists to her 20 points and 5 steals. Villan -
ueva put up big numbers in the same game
coming up with two blocks, four steals and
14 points. It was Villanueva’s first game back
after injuring her foot early in the season.
She adds much needed depth at the point
and provides energy and quality ball han -
dling for the Pioneers.
The Pios took as small break before taking
on Corban College Monday night, but the
women refused to let their guard down. The
Pios dominated Corban 72-48. This well-
balanced effort was led by senior post players
Talerra Rich and Megan Spence (’12).
Spence lead the night with 17 points and
9 rebounds for the Pios. Rich checked in
with 11 points. Neva Hauser, Williams, Vil -
lanueva and Herring each contributed nine
points to the cause.
The lopsided victory allowed head coach
Juli Folks to empty her bench and get every -
one playing time.
The Pios travel to California for a road
trip to take on Whittier, Occidental and
Cal Lutheran. The women play their first
two conference games against Whitman and
Whitworth, Jan. 2 and 3 in the Pamplin
Sports Complex.
by Nichole Carnell
PHOTOS BY MAGGIE OLIVER
Margaret Dowling (’12) controls the
boards and is a force down low. Want to write for the sports section? There is still time
to join the Pioneer Log . Email us at piolog@lclark.edu or
come to our meetings the first week of class next semester.
You can earn credit or get paid.PHOTO FROM PIONEER ATHLETICS
PHOTO COURTESY OF MICHAELA SATTER11 Sports the Pioneer Log, December 4, 2009
Lewis & Clark hosted one of the largest
meets in team history two weekends ago and
after two days of virtually nonstop swim-
ming, the women /f_i nished 6th and the men
7th in the conference. /T_h e Pioneers showed up boasting one of the largest and youngest teams they’ve ever had.
First year Rachael Cazden broke a school
record Saturday night in the 100 freestyle, leaving the team electri/f_i ed. /T_h e record-breaking swim “de/f_i nitely raised our excite-ment,” said coach Chris Fantz. “[A record-breaker] always seems like a team victory.” Cazden then followed up with a 3rd place /f_i nish in the 50 free-style. Cat Menkel-Lawrence (’11) also placed second for the women in the 200 backstroke.
“Any time we have
the opportunity to host
so many quality swim-
mers, it’s exciting,” said
Fantz. “We have the chance to showcase the whole program.”
“It’s always nice to
see how we stack up in the conference, and how fast [other teams] have all gotten,” said
/f_l y/backstroke swim-
mer Steven Carreno
(’12).
/T_h e teams this year
were expected to be in
developing phases for
the armada of /f_i rst year
students to grow into a team of threatening competitors.
“/T_h e [/f_i rst years] have come a long way —
technically, and in their times,” said Fantz.
With the record-breaking win by Cazden
and strong /f_i nishes by other /f_i rst year swim-
mers like Isaac Ekblad, Josh Spegman, Shu-
ichi Matsumoto, Kallie Smith, Rachel Lev-
itsky, and Gail Wilcoxen, it is de/f_i nitely an exciting atmosphere at Zentbauer.
“We’re a really young team,” remarked
Carreno. “/T_h at we’re so fast bodes well for
the future.”
/T_h e team also expects diff erent results
for the /f_i nals. “We’re happy with how we’re
racing, said Fantz, but “we’re missing three
women and a guy.”
/T_h e ranking system is also a diff erent
format for the swim teams: the dual meets Men’s b-ball tops Sonoma
Seven suspended return to help seal fi rst win this season for Pios.
by Michael G. RichmanMidseason swim shows
promise for season, future
by Robin Aubry /T_h e Pioneer men’s basketball team picked
up its /f_i rst win of the season with a 71-64
road victory over Sonoma State on Saturday
Nov. 28.
Kelly Edwards (’11) led the way with 27
points and seven rebounds and James Hol-
lins (’12) continued his early season tear add-ing 19 points and seven rebounds.
After an early burst from Sonoma State,
Lewis & Clark took the lead just after the midway point of /f_i rst half and never looked back en route to a 36-26 halftime lead.
Despite the double digit halftime de/f_i cit,
Sonoma State would not back down, retak-ing the lead with just under six minutes to go. But the resilient Pios regrouped and /f_i -nally put the game away to escape with the win.
/T_h e road victory was the Pios’ (1-4) /f_i rst
of the season after they opened the 2009-10 season with four losses, including two in overtime. /T_h e win must have been a
breath of fresh air after an early season
controversy sidelined seven team mem-
bers for four games.
Seven players were suspended
for receiving an extra bene/f_i t
that was in violation of NCAA
bylaw 16.02.3. /T_h e play-
ers worked for Bon Ap-pétit as part of a “work for meals” program,
an employment op-
portunity that was not
off ered or advertised to the rest of the LC stu-dent population.
/T_h e seven players,
including four regular starters, were suspend-ed for the opening three games of the regular sea-son, all of which LC lost.
While his teammates were serving sus-
pension Hollins, shouldered the scoring load
and assumed a leadership role on a team that
suddenly and dramatically lacked both.
“Going into [those] game[s] coach just
told me to go out there and have fun and
play,” Hollins said, “and still we almost came
away with two victories.”
After getting blown out in a game against
Evergreen State, 71-44, in which Hollins
came up with 18 points and 10 rebounds, the Pios battled in the next two contests with
Hollins leading the way.
Hollins had 45 points and 14 boards in
an 84-80 loss to William Jessup in the /f_i rst
game of the Whitman Classic. He followed (meets between two teams), though counted, do not determine the /f_i nal rankings. What
does is the NWC Championships, coming
in February. “We train for the end of the sea-
son,” said Carreno.
With that in mind, the training is going
to be even harder starting next year. Before
the beginning of the semester, the teams will
both meet in Southern California for swim-
ming dusk till dawn. /T_h ey will also keep
competitive by swimming against diff erent teams in that region.
When asked what the team can do to im-
prove, Fantz explained that it is very hard
to explain what is needed for the team as a
whole to develop. Fantz said the team will
work on “/f_i ne tuning the racing concepts,
like turns and breakouts,” but the team will
have succeeded as long as each individual
works on improving his or her personal re-
cords.
/T_h is young team introduces many swim-
mers to races that they had never swum be-fore. Ekblad was new to the 100 freestyle un-
til the meet against Paci/f_i c, for example.
“/T_h e energy level has been high at every
one of our meets,” said Fantz. “Expect the great team dynamic to continue.”
And, with nicknames from Top Gun
posted on the lockers of the men’s swim
team, I am reminded of when Goose said to
Maverick, “Come on, Mav, do some of that
[swimmer] shit!”
The team gears up for the second half of the season. PHOTO BY HANNAH PRINCEup that performance with 36 and 13 in a 76-
70 overtime loss to Portland Bible College.
“/T_h e chemistry on the court was totally
diff erent,” said Hollins about playing with a shorthanded lineup while his suspended teammates sat out.
Just a sophomore, Hollins was used to
starting but not taking on a leadership role on and off the /f_l oor as he was asked to do at the beginning of the season.
“I just had to play a diff erent role,” Hol-
lins said, “and I had to change that [role] fast.”
But Hollins (26.2 points per game, 10.6
rebounds per game) said the team and the coaching staff have moved on from the sus-pensions and are looking forward to the rest of the season.
“It’s over with, it’s settled. We’re just go-
ing to move on and play,” Hollins said.
With a full roster back on
the /f_l oor the team is brim-
ming with con/f_i dence mov-
ing forward.
“Athletically and talent-
wise I just feel like we’re
better than we’re
seeded [in the pre-
season coaches
poll]. We took
[the ranking]
kind of hard, we’re
looking to prove
them wrong.”
With Edwards
and Josh Kollasch (’10) and the rest of
the team back in
the lineup to com-
plliment Hollins the
team has reason to
be excited about the rest of the season. Or
as Hollins put it: “No one can match up with
us because we have
so many weapons
out there on
the /f_l oor.”
Sports
Sports
Sports
Sports
Women’s Basketball
vs. Northwest (Wash.).......(L) 88-73
vs. Concordia (Ore.).........(W) 77-74vs. Corban.........................(W) 72-48Overall Record.............................4-1
Men’s Basketball
at Evergreen State ...............(L) 71-44at William Jessup.............(L) 84-80 OTat Portland Bible..............(L) 76-73 OTat Cal State Chico .................(L) 74-62at Sonoma State..................(W) 71-64Overall Record ...............................1-4Men’s Swimming
at NWC Conference InviteFinished 6th Overall Record...........................2-0Conference Record ...................2-0Conference Ranking.................4th
Women’s Swimming
at NWC Conference InviteFinished 7th Overall Record...........................1-1Conference Record ...................1-1Conference Ranking.................4th
ILLUSTRATION BY EMILY BLOCKBackdoor 12
You Caught My Eye
Please e-mail your“You Caught My Eye” to piolog@lclark.edu ILLUSTRATION BY BRAD JONASthe Pioneer Log, December 4, 2009
The Backdoor is a work of humor and does not actually contain real news.
Everyone knows Santa doesn’t bury hookers. He throws them in the icy rivers of the North Pole.Inside the Issue...Questionable retorts in comeback history
[pg. 11] Student in
Copeland fails to set off fi re alarm with popcorn, succeeds with toast on burner.[pg. 5] Roommates
quarantined to stop spread of catchy, terrible Shakira songs.[pg. 2] Swine Flu ap-
plauds E. coli’s return
to media spotlight.
The Toast
Written by Rand McNally
According to the editors of this
esteemed periodical, I am a bro.
So, to indulge my personal fascina-tion (obsession) with all things re-lated to man-love and to celebrate the conclusion of another bro-mes-ter, this week’s toast goes out to a phrase familiar to every bro, bro-ho, and bro-child.
You hear it in the
locker room, at the beer pong table, and after your friend slaps you on the ass and tells you he loves you. Bros con-sider it the g o l d e n rule: “no homo.”
In order
to fully understand the meaning of this in-sensitively-worded sacred law, I had to do a little investigative
journalism. While I had heard this
distastefully crafted maxim before,
it wasn’t until I concluded my re-search that I was able to fully com-prehend the power this seemingly
homophobic proverb holds.
I sought the guidance of self-
proclaimed professor of bromance,
Dr. Raman Voorhis (’10, but will probably be here in ’11).
“/T_h e term ‘no homo’ is in fact
one of the most powerful phrases in the entire English lexicon,” said Voorhis. “By uttering these two words immediately before or after any event or statement, and I mean anything, the act or proclamation can no longer be gay.”
As proof, Voorhis pointed me
to an often selectively quoted pas-sage from the Bible as conclusive evidence of the potential of this ex-pression.
Leviticus 20:13 states that “if
a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. /T_h ey must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads. Unless they say ‘no homo’ immediately before
or after the act. /T_h en it’s
chill.”
/T_h is simple and com-
pletely inappropriate
saying could poten-
tially be the answer
to one of the great
moral debates that
has divided this
country for the
last thirty years.
With the
decision hand-
ed down this
week by the New
York State Senate
not to endorse a bill le-
galizing gay marriage, this discov-ery couldn’t be more appropriate.
/T_h at’s right, readers. If you
haven’t /f_i gured it out already, I am suggesting that there is no reason why homosexuals cannot marry, so long as they say “no homo” before
or after the vows. By de/f_i nition, by
simply stating that the wedding is
“no homo,” the marriage can no longer be considered homosexual.
For too long have the bros held
on to this saying, using it to justi-
fy their own inner desires without
having to reap the consequences. /T_h is is simply unfair and unjust.
If bros can say “no homo” to
make them still appear straight, then gays should be able to say “no homo” to make their actions
straight as well.
So stand up homosexual Amer-
ica, claim what is rightfully yours.
No homo.
ILLUSTRATION BY EMILY BLOCKWritten by Eustacia Wylie
I’m not sure if blue is really your color.What’s that? I’m sorry Gabby, I couldn ’t hear you over the sound of your sweater making you look fat.
/T_h at’s racist.
Yeah, well, you know, if you give a man a /f_i sh, he ’ll eat for a day, but if you make racially insensitive com-ments towards him, you can prolong a history of subjugation and inequal-ity in America.You’re not funny.Oh yeah? Well you are. I love you. T each me to be funny!
You’re an asshole.
/T_h at’s not what your mom said when I was haranguing her at a public fo-rum last night.
Hmm…I don’t know if paisley is
your color.Paisley isn ’t a color actually; it’s a pattern. /T_h anks for your opinion, though./T_h at’s not what your mom said when I was banging her last night.Well, I hardly think that you could expect an honest, unbiased opinion from someone mid-coitus.
I can’t believe how lazy you are.
Well I’m not the one who ’s widowed, Grandma.
It’s not you, it’s me.
Well my dad always said a bird in hand is better than bush. Or some-thing like that. Basically, fuck you.You: Circ desk librarian, far too charming (and pretty) to be ‘shy.’
Me: Might lose my wallet more often.You: Sexy girl on the motorcycle.Me: Wishing I could ride bitch.You: Adorable, bearded Momo tenor.Me: Wishing you were within my range.
You: Shirtless swimming insomniac.Us: NOT INTERESTED, stop creeping.
You: Probably going to Australia.Me: Want to go Down Under with you.You: Gaga dance team.Me: Wishing for a Bad Romance.
Minis for the break!
A Drink A Fact
Q: Why does Santa have three gardens?
A1 (for kids): So he can ho
ho ho!
A2 (for reals):To
hide the hookers. /T_h e dead hookers.A Picture
Red Nose Reindeer
1 1/4 oz light rum1 lemon wedge1 1/2 oz lemon juice1/2 oz grenadine syrup/f_i ll with cranberry juice, add ice
You’re probably thinking, “Hey!
Where’s the eggnog?” Well shame on you! /T_h is goes out to all my lactose intolerant readers out there. Without you, we’d never have learned how to milk a soy.
Proverbs
Rumors about ASLC10. Henry Loeb eats his toe nails.9. Dith Pamp’s last name is Pimp.8. Collin Hamilton can’t read.7. Ian Feis doesn’t exist.6. Lyndsey Romick attends Reed.5. Brad Elkins is a bro-child.4. Alex Rihm cries uncontrollably during board meetings. 3. Ali Crowley wears baby clothes.2. Emily Peters fears the reaper.1. Karen Lickteig is narcoleptic, but only in comical situations.A Top Ten
“Nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.”
-Oscar Wilde
Finals are only a week away and Oscar Wilde thinks you wasted your time. Worth $40k, right?
“He that teaches himself has a
fool for his master.”
-Benjamin Franklin
To all you out there that taught yourself piano or art: the guy on the $100 bill thinks you’s a fool.
ILLUSTRATION BY EMILY BLOCK
Behold, Rudolph enjoying a White Slavic-Canadian. Of course, without the ham cube, it’s just booze and milk.Hey muckrakers, I’ll miss mucking around with yas!