Title
The Pioneer Log: Lewis & Clark College's Student-Run Newspaper
Description
Volume 72, Number 18 [Mossy Log]
Subject
Lewis & Clark College Student Newspaper
Creator
Pioneer Log Staff
Date
2008-04-01
Format
pdf
Type
newspaper
Rights
For questions about rights statements, or access to the original document please contact Lewis & Clark College Special Collections and Archives http://specialcollections.lclark.edu
http://rightsstatements.org/vocab/InC/1.0/
http://rightsstatements.org/vocab/InC/1.0/
Full Text
0
mb
• ct1v
ong
ont
ngress tur
o gans on th lark Colle
• ess 1
vers
to kidnapping
lack market t 0
d selling
rase debt. . VI
mossy 109 /n/: "While laying down-~ have your __ throw up in your __ __, then, __ it right back into her __ ."
adj: state of dress n: derogative female
term n: orifice v presen ttense:
to excrete n: different
orifice 0
0
0 _I_I _____________________ §f.i•M·---------Wh-•a-t'.c_h_a.rh_i_n_ki_·n_'_'_b_o_ur_?_,_A_p_r_il_2_0_,_1_4_20
~Mossy
Log
EDITORS-IN-CHIEF:
Puoo1N Curs BEECHEM &
JoNESY DtSABATINo
NEWS .EDITORS:
luv\lNY REDDICK &
B1c B01 WEBBER
FORUM EDITORS:
KATE-MONSTER HUNTER &
MILITARY PENCHANSKY
FEATURES EDITORS:
DARN Kins? GARCIA &
GoLDILOCKS Hou:JDAY
ARTS EDITORS:
]ERRY Su£ McCARTHY &
CAT LADY STI.ENSTRA
SPORTS EDITOR:
COCHRAN, JR.
BACKDOOR EDITOR:
GOLLY Grm KARNES
PHOTO EDITORS:
CAKE BAKER&
GlMMfE SUGARMAN
h.LUSTRATORS: BREAD JONAS &
{NVlSIBILJTY BwcK
STAFF WRITERS:
AfClJJBOLD REILLY
CoVER OFSIGN:
WHOOUNN'IT FRANKS
WEBMASTER: SMARM STIGLER
ADS MANAGERS: .
DouBLESTUF ARNOLD
ADVISOR:
P-DJODY CHRISTENSON
TH,£ PIONEER LoG SERVEl TO INFORM
TH.E lEwi.s & CIARK COM.MUNITY ON
ISSIJES OP CONCERN TO STUOBNTS. WE
AIU! COMMl'n-eo TO THE 'FRE&ANO
ARTICULATE E.XPlUlSSlON OF IDEAS. WE
00 NOT OISCRJ.MINATE BASED ON ETH
NICITY, GENDER, SEXUAL ORJl'.NTATfON,
OISABIIJlY, ACE OR CLASS. WE RESERVE
THI! RIGHT '1'0 REFUSll TO PRINT ANY
AOVERTISEM.BN'T, SUBMJSSION, OR
ARTICLE TIIAT DOl!S NOT MEET THE
STANDARDS OF TIIE PIONEER Loe.
AoVERTl~'l!MENITS, UTTERS TO THE
Eo1TOR A.NO EorrORIALS 00 NOT NEC
ESSARILY REFLECT THE OPINIONS OF THI'.
PIONEER Loe OR LEWIS & CJ.ARK
CoLLEGI!.
Tl-IE PIONEER loG
061 5 SW PALATINE HO..L Ro.
MSC Ill
Polttl.ANo, OR 97219
rll0NE: (503) 768-7146
£-MAIL: PIOLOG@LCLAR.K.EOV
HTTP://wwvt:PIOLOC.Nlrr
Ttte PIONEER LoG IS FUNDED BYYOOR
STUDl!NT FEES. Todd Lochner fucks sheep
by John Locke II staff existentialist
Todd Lochner, beloved Political came guy," said Brysacz, "I mean ...
Science professor besr known for with that innocent lircle beard, and
his disciplined teaching methods he's always saying 'okey-dokey' ...
in his Conscicutional Law classes, bur you never know, I guess."
was recendy caught ----~----~ Lochner is de-
participating in fending himself in
beastialicy in his his upcoming trial.
J.R. Howard Hall "l know what I'm
office. doing," he said. "I
Ben Brysacz have about seven
('08), a smdenr and post-graduate de-
friend of the pro- grees, you know."
fessor, was shocked Lochner could
ar rhe news. "He face up co twenty
seems like a really years in prison.
Ill t NO
.,NKEl"\tT
f'/IC.11\l
kAIR
~ -
♦ A whistle blower accused a high ranking ASLC
official of hiring former Gov. Eliot Spitzer as a
personal sex toy on April 1. The official reportedly
• used money from the Activities Congress'
Homecoming budget to pay for their sexcapades.
♦ A Bon official reported that students have been
taking more than one piece of fruit from Field's
Dining Hall on April 1. Three students were shot
on sight.
♦ A student reported that their mail had been
stolen out of their mailbox on April 1. They'd
really like to get their flyers back so they don't
miss the next upcoming symposium and/ or
internship opportunity.
♦ Several students reported bad smells coming
from other students on April 1. This may not be a
crime, but it probably should be.
♦ KLC apparently broadcasted a vulgar,
scandalous and criminally negligent show on The week's main events -1n brief
President Thomas J. Hochstetder changed the spelling of bis
name on Tuesday for the sixth rime in two years. Hocksrrelrer expects
fewer letters of complaint as a result, as Lewis & Clark srudents are "eas
ily discouraged".
Board ofTrustees approved new additions to Watzek Library. The
project will include a small pioneer-themed rollercoaster which wiU fea
ture prominenrly in campus tours. An additional southern wing wiU
house a labyrinthine room known only as "The Gauntlet,'' which profes
sors wilJ be require to complete before receiving tenure.
* "' *
Pamplin Society of Fellows released a statepient, saying "What the
hell, lee's lee one more kid in." Sophomore recipient Kary Enrrekin was
overjoyed at the decision. Speaking on behalf of the Sociecy, Professor
Srephen Dow Beckham described the April Fools' joke as "unnecessarily
mean-spirited."
* * *
Senior Nathaniel Massey forgot his major, wrote tbe wrong the
sis. Upon his discovery, Massey was furious. "I swore it would never
happen again," he cold the Piolog.
* ,. ,.
KLC broadcasted half an hour of dead air after an unnamed stu
dent radio hose arrived lace. KLC General Manager Laura Horley ex
pects the Programming Director's immediare resignation.
ASLC pr~idential nomination fight went negative after a hard
month of campaigning. Media criticism of presidential candidate Shane
Rivera conrinues to grow despite Mike Gravel's endorsement.
* * *
Co-op not actually cooperative, studies suggest. Researchers ar the
Unjversicy of California at Irvine have discovered extreme ideological
divisions among the staff' and frequent cuscomers.
* * *
Fans turn out for Lewis & Clark football games in record nwn
bers. Approached for comment, one fan described ir as the "high warer
mark" for the Pioneers, who have "really hie their stride." The other fan
declined to comment.
* * *
In response to aUegations of gambling addiction, ASLC President
Autry Liggett defended his recommendations for rhe Fall 2008 SAAB
budget. "If you know how to pick 'em, ir's not gambling," he said. ~If
anyone here knows more about turtle racing, tell me I'm wrong."
* * *
Foreign language department will add Yiddish as a seventh lan
guage. 1n response co newly hired professor Lois Fein berg's complaints
chat ir will be limited co a minor program, chair Dinal1 Dodds replied,
"scop ,w:iur kvetching, you're lucky you don't get bubkes."
* * *
Manzanita Hall temporarily closed for fumigation. Campus Liv
ing Coordinator David Barman Rosengard has gone on record saying
char he is unaware of how the polar bear got our of its cage, bur he ac
cepts full responsibility.
* * *
Archery Club and Cheese Club announced a merger Friday after-
April 1. No one reported it because no one was noon. Spokesmen for borh parries expressed optimism for rhe furure of
L-_li_· s_t_e_n_m·_g_. ____________________ _, . rhe club, paving the way for a new era of reconciliation. _th_e_n __ -_o_Lii,ioiiigii,J oil,i6.,. _N_o_v_,_1_9_8_7 ______________ .: 1I1■1@4.faI1 ■1,M¥-111. _____________________ 1_1_1_
LC history professor caught up in Bollywood porn scandal
by Abijah Golightly // staff fish
Since 2002, Assistant Professor of History David Cam
pion has been a favorite professor for many of Lewis & Clark
College's history students. An expert on the British Em
pire, Campion teaches an array of classes studying che Unit
ed Kingdom as well as South Asia and East Africa. George
Sewall '09, a student of Campion's, explains rhar, "one of the
reasons he's such a good professor is nor only char he knows
so much about the regions, but that he's also lived rhere. I
wish I had che resources to crave! and explore like he did after
college.''
When asked casually about his Life experiences, Campion
is happy to tell students about the year he lived in North In
dia when he was writing his dissertation for graduate school.
He'll tell entertaining stories about culture shock and inter
esting restaurants -generally run-of-the-mill srories of an
American overseas.
W'hat Campion doesn't share is how he paid for his year
abroad.
On March 27, 2008, while many L&C students were
resting on their spring break, Padmakali Gupra '08, wbose
parents emigrated from India before she was born, set out
ro rent a film from her Portland Bollywood rental store of
choice. "I decided tO rent Monsoon Wedding because it's one
of my favorites," Gupta remembers, "and when I got home, a
different movie was in rhe case."
Gupra recounrs playing rhe rape and being shocked to see chat instead of rhe Indian classic, she had insread accidentally
rented what looked like Bollywood pornography.
"I sac and watched it for a minute or so -1 was in awe
-and as if it weren't shocking enough, when rhey finally
showed the male actor's face, I realized it was one of my pro
fessors!"
Gupta thought for a moment chat it might have been
some sort of coincidence -perhaps rhe actor in the film
wasn't really~ younger, sweatier version of Campion. She de
cided co search the internet for answers about rhe film, which
is entitled Voyage into the Punjab.
Sure enough, Campion as listed was the leading role,
playing "Mahatma Longdi." One old review of rhe low-bud
get porn describes rhe plot as "young Indian on a journey co
explore and discover uncharted territory."
When questioned on rhe subject, Campion refused co
comment. However, sources cell the Pioneer Log rhar Cam
pion was approached while on a beach on the west coast of
India to star in Voyage into the Punjab. "I don't know all of
the derails," rhe anonymous source reported, "but I do know
chat he was wearing one hell of a Speedo."
It would seem char Campion's racy hobby didn't last very
long; no ocher films have surfaced that also scar rhe young
professor. Yer. "1 can't wait to see what other culmres of sex
he's championed," Sewall said, "he did spend four years in
rhe 'navy' ... " Prof. David Campi01'1' in Voyage into the Punjab
The college administration also dedined to comment on
the subject. However, it was made ic clear ro the Pioneer Log
that Campion wiJI nor have to worry about his place at the
school. Many LC administrators and staff informally agree
rhar Campion's porn career is behind him.
• * *
Voyage into rhe Punjab is available on reserve in the Aubrey
Wat:zek Library.
LC phases out international students due to carbon cost
by Archibold Reilly // staff banjo player
Lase Friday, Greg ''Gregory" Caldwell, International Stu
dents and Scholars director and Associate Dean of Students,
announced char Lewis & Clark wiJJ no longer be accepting
international students due to rhe outrageous carbon cost of
shipping chem to Portland.
"I believe rhar education should be universal," Caldwell
stared, "but right now 1 rhink we all need ro be un.i-Earch-al.
If we keep shipping srudents halfway across rhe world there
won't be a planet left by che ti me they graduate." Orher pares
of the school bureaucracy are embracing the change as well.
Houston "Babyfeet" Dougherty chimed, "This is a grear seep
for the new "Vs--Them" menrality rhat we're crying to pro
mote in Campus Living.Q
The school health office fully supports chis move, report
ing that in the past year international students bave brought
on bouts of rickets, chiggers, the avian Au, scabies, scurvy, yel
low fever, malaria, cholera, rhe grippe, TB, bad rrips, arthri
tis, rheumatism, the black death, herpes z simplex, giardia,
calluses, monasticism, lockjaw, hyporhermia, skull trauma,
syphilis, exema, psoriasis, puberty, Rainier, gallstones, UTT,
glaucoma, turrets, schizophrenia, existentialism, migraines,
anal leakage, the uncommon cold, poison oak, ectopic preg
nancies, and the whooping cough.
Though rhe administration has no plan to eject current in
ternational students, scholarships will not be offered to those
unable co find carbon natural transportation to rhe college. "This is so mean," whined Yunjie "Shelley" Zhao, a sopho
more interoarional student and Pamplin Scholar from Chi
na. "The only help l've gonen is a letter suggesting I should
try and tag along with an Olympic sailing team."
lnrernational scudents are not the only ones being asked
co make sacrifices. There is a plan to move rhe overseas pro
gram coward carbon-friendly transportation, rumored co
send students out on rail ships to sail the Atlantic on a fur
trading route before arriving at rheir destinarions.
Student responses have been mixed. Environmental advo
cates have been pleased, but there are some worries.
Ease Asian Studies Major David Shackleford (' I 0) was
seen sobbing after rhe announcement was senc out. He set
his Facebook status immediately co "No More Japanese Girls
-what will I do?"
Jordan Overleigh ('09) interrupted bis English class,
where Lyle Asher made cbe announcemenr, and shouted
"Our Bananas, and now our friends .... chis sh it's whack!" be
fore storming out of rhe classroom.
This decision has revealed an undercurrent of xenophobia
among srudenrs. "I feel so much safer," commenced Garik
Asplund (' 10). "l always thought I could feel chem looking at
me. I'm sure che planet feels the same way."
ASLC presidential candidate Shane Rivera ('09) simply
seemed happy that he "won't have to hug chem anymore."
According to President Hochstenler, "This is only the be
ginning of a larger plan co bring Lewis and Clark co carbon International students will be the next casualty
of environmental awareness
neutrality. We're looking at ways to completely eliminate our
carbon footprint. Research shows tbat students consume the
most oxygen through 'breathing.' With rhis in mind, we plan
to implement a breach plan over the nex.t ten years that will
limit this needless waste of our precious oxygen."
. . . . _I_V ______________________ .®1•M-fiw€1111Rfflr•-•---------th.e_L_o_n_e_1y __ L_o1111g_,_F_e_b_ru_ary ___ 2_9_,_2_0_0_1
by Mike Ock II staff truth-teller and non-gay male enthusiast
This week Lewis & Clark students participated in a hose
of Take Back the Night rallies and workshops organized by
such organizations as the Womyn's Center, United Sexuali
ties, and Scudems for a Democratic Society. Designed as an
event to lee women speak out against sexual violence while
metaphorically and literally caking back the night, these
workshop proved a pathetic excuse for PMS-driven women
co bitch and complain about feminist mumbo jumbo, claim
ing victimhood at every chance they got.
1, for one, found their outright anti-male messages offen
sive and su-scientifically proven chat women like to
be hie. A lot. The face was the most re
quested among our survey participants.
To say chat women are oppressed or
the victims of society is to downright lie.
Noc only is there viable evidence char
women enjoy being so-called "victims",
but it is also a face chat they deserve all
they get. Thus, I believe (with the sup
port of the mAn's Cenrer and che Future
Scientists
perfluous. It
is a common
ly known fact
chat men are
the superior
gender, and
any arcempt
ac challenging
this can only
be taken as a It is a commonly known fact that men for a Man
ly Society)
that men
should cake are the superior gender, and any attempt
at challenging this can only be taken as a
pathetic attempt at the fabricated concept
of gender "equality". back che
night from
the angry,
hairy-arm-
picced ex
cuses for
pathetic attempt at che fabricated concept of gender "equal
ity."
Everyone knows chat women like to be taken advantage
of. For example, at a mAn's Center meeting earlier this week,
we discussed sexual experiences in which "no" really does
mean "yes." Complete with charts and survey results, it was women chat scole it from us co begin
with. The nighc was never yours, birch.
Step back and shave your goddamn legs.
1he "Taking Back the Night" rally will
take place everyday, if you have the balls to
punch a bitch.
DWIGHT SCHRUTE'S FACT PIECE:
Pope! Athletic Pi rector frustrated at lack of steroid use.
by Dwight Schrute // staff Office advocate
QUESTION: SHOULD YOU USE STEROIDS TO WIN?
- FACT: YOUR PARENTS WOULD HAVE ABOR1.,ED A LOSER.
L ewis & Clark Athletic Director Clark Yeager ex
pressed his frustration Tuesday after mandatory
NCAA random drug tests en LC athletes returned
with negative results across the board. The NCAA
has begun cracking down on banned substance abuse in
collegiate competition in the wake of the public steroids
scandal embroiling professional baseball stars like former
Yankee's aces Roger Oemens and Andy Petit in contro
versy.
Inconsistent drug testing has alfowed steroids to be
come a major problem in both professional and college
sports, but largely it has been a problem reserved for Di
vision I schools, which are bigger and attract more top
arhletes. This trend is shifting as smaller schools rum to
the i!Jegal drugs to boost their muscle m~and win
ning pe.rcentage.
"We're just too scrawny," said Justin Canseco ('09),
who plays thfrd base for LC, "I weigh 160 and I'm bat
ting .180. With help, I could be batting .360. Just look
at Barry [Bonds]." That help could come in the form of
testosterone or Human Growth Hormone (HGH).
"Steroids give athletes an unfair advantage in competi
tion. That's why we need co start using them," said Yeager, anxfous to revitalize suµggling programs like{ootball, which
has the longest active losing streak in the country. HGH and
testosterone wUI be made avail~le through a new training
program strongly recommended though nor mandatory for
all athletes.
"I can see how some of the female athletes may want to
opt out of the [juie::ing] program ... it might make chem grow
hair in weird places," said Senior Assistant Director of PE/
Athletics Mark Pietrok.
Yeager declined to say whether he would offh steroids to
certain teams but he did hint chat the re;wis with fosing re
cords might be targeted fuse. "We wlll do whatever it takes ro
win games. Just in case I put in an order for 500 sterile hypo
dermic needles," said Yeager. It is unclear if the drugs will be
made available to club sport teams, but Yeager was optimistic
about a ripple effect across campus.
Huston Dougherty has offered his.support and will con~
sider relaxing campus drug policy.
"Eventually we may c<;>nsider allowing speed, crack, and
cocam.e ... basically any kind of upper char wiU push our ath
letes to the limits." Yeager bas said that marijuana will prob
ably not be part of the new training regimen, because It has
already been a large part of the previous training regimen. ''I think [por] has beeo a mixed bag. The entire tennis
team had a smoke--out before their last match, and they
seem to be doing pretty well. But rhe men's basketball
team smokes regularly, and we can all see that they didn't
make the playoffs."
Concerned parents voiced concern over the health
hazards associated with HGH, but Yeager dismissed their
fears, saying, "Second place is the first loser. We want co
be associated with winners."
School officials have endorsed Yeager's new plan on
the premise that it will help inflate a cuaently unsubstan
tial .endowment. Trustee and former badminton standout
Kirk McWilliams '69 professed his support aod prom
ised future contri:butions should the Athletic Department
adopt the new juicing program.
"Kids today are lazy. In my day we guzzled petroleum
befote every match. We were undefeated.11 [Editor's note:
The 1968 badminton team only competed in one march,
against the Reed women's' team].
As for NCAA regulations, Yeager seems unconcerned.
"By submitting oucselves to rartdom drug rests th.is week,
we've pretty much guaranteed the NCAA won't look at us
for at least another ten year.s or so," he said. "I love anything that flows, like babushkas or
shawls, but I do love to throw in some bling
now and then. Today, I have the diamonds
on my neck, but my gold American Apparel
leggings are a plus for sure." VI ... _.._ ____________________ llllllll-$•¥GJ•€J@ _____________ th_e_D_am_p __ L_o_g_,_o_ec.e.m_b_e_r_7_,_1_9_4_1
8avesd in9s A. Congress <3's dirty cash moniez
by Chunky Monkey// Staff Pool Boy been making some of us work as prostitutes for different mu
Earlier this year, the Activities Congress claimed an over
expenditure of$ I 8,000 on Lewis & Clark's homecoming
dance. This large sum of money has been difficult for the
Congress to replace. le was uncertain whether there would be
enough money to even finish rhe year. sic acts that come in. How do you chink we got Blue Scholar
to come here? Then he filmed it and puc ir up for rental!"
The pornographic films have since been removed from the
shelves, though several copies remain missing.
"I don't need to be in the Piolog every week."
-Poli-Sci Prof. Todd Lochner Recently, it has come to light that che congressional lead
ership has been involved in some unorthodox fundraising
evencs. "We needed co make up the money somehow," said
First Speaker Brandon Wiebe ('08). "We wanted to keep it
on the down-low, so a benefit evenc or asking for mon-When confronted about the accusations of kidnapping,
Wiebe showed litcle co no remorse. "I did what I bad co do.
So sue me.'' Wiebe is currently under invescigacion for multi
ple felonies and will most likely be sued by the girls' parents.
Wiebe wasn't the only bad apple of the bunch. Deputy
Speaker Shane Rivera ('09) has also been tied ro many shady
ey was our of the question. Instead, we decided -~~~ fundraising events. "Wiebe definitely took care of most
of the kidnapping and prostitution stuff, but Rivera
got his hands dirty roo," said Young. "He preferred
to rake care of the drug trafficking and internal organ to cry more subrle ways of making money."
Wiebe accompanied tbis lase remark witb a
gliding hand motion. racker."
"Everything I say is worth writing down." "These 'subtle' fundraisers have been
going on for the better part of the semes
ter," said whistle-blower Cary Young ('10).
"Wiebe and the other leaders have been par•
taking in some borderline illegal activi
ties co make money." Young gestured co
toking up. "Ir's mind blowing what
they've been able to get away with." Multiple students ar Reed College have
come forward and claimed chat Rivera has
been responsible for supplying the major
ity of drugs for rhe annual Renn Fayre. "If
it was for Huggy Bear Rivera, Renn Fayre -Eng Prof. Kurt Fosso
"As you can see, as the supply of women
goes up, the demand for gir1friends goes
down. Simple economics."
-Econ Prof. Cliff Bekar For the past couple months, tbe
leadership of Acriviries Congress has
been involved in a plethora of immorwouldn't be possible," said one of his cli
ents. "Love you Huggy Bear, stay srrong."
With his operation shut down, Rivera
has had co rely mostly on selling internal
organs over eBay.
u1 S>--Y OR.DP Ht€ 80M8 ON >-.LL OF THEM."
·IA P~f. 808 M>-.NO€l al activities, including drug dealing, kid
napping, and prostitution. "We just wanted to
make a quick buck," said Lindsay Alt (' 10). "It's
not like we were hurting anyone.'' Tm not going co talk about anything that I may
or ay not have done," said Rivera. "But let's just say
chat livers and lungs from LC don't sell for too much.
I'm probably going to have co sell my squeaky clean
ones just co make a decent profit." "t{~, I'm/pretty ~Cl-f\l
cvacht1.op1",be,.,,
-'B w-Prc,f G retx;v 'B i.nford,,
"Nothing beats sippin' on a 40 and listenin'
to Tech N9ne and P-Diddy." What Alt neglected were the countless stu
dents who had been shanghaied from tbe library
and sold into slavery co Bon Appecic, or the half
dozen Girl Scouts whose cookies were stolen and
resold on the LC Black Market. Students are encouraged to come forward with
any information involving the illegal activities of che
Activities Congress. In an official statement, Chief Jus
tice Elliot White ('08) declared, "I will not rest until
those responsible have been brought to justice ... or
I've gorcen a piece of rhe action." -Music Prof. Or/a McDonagh
"Are those real boobs?"
-Comm Prof. Peter Christenson
"I PREFER THE RENAISSANCE ARTIST WITH THE
NUNCHUCKS." The Girl Scouts were discovered in the Activi
ties Congress' office. "We were renting the
space from the Congress for the Jewish Sru
denr Union when we heard something," said
Josh Oppenheim (' 10). "I was really surprised
that they were able to hide all tbose kids in sucha small
space.'' The Activities Congress delayed releasing news
of their budget woes in the hopes that their make
shift income would cover the losses. Wiebe was dis
appointed in his results, but he made ir clear he tn-
tended to push harder.
·ART PROF. BENJAMIN DAVID
"I'll smack a bitch if I ha~. Gotta
'keep my pimp hand strong."
-Eng Prof. Mary Szvbist So far, attempts at freeing the students who were sold to
the Bon have been failures. Due co clever, iron-clad contracts,
those students will forever be required to have overpriced
meal plans and will never be satisfied with a meal again.
"Thar's nor even tbe worst of it," said Young. "Wiebe's "We haven't cried the trustees yer. They're a big
marker for prescription drugs and child porn," said Wiebe.
If rhe money continues co dribble in, Wiebe and Rivera both
said, "Desperate times call for desperate measures" before
pulling our their Chippendale's bowcies. "Ir's going to be a
long semester," lamented Rivera.
LC Casual Encounters: Look here for a good time
All interested parties please e-mail Piolog@lclark.edu Woman looking for
married professor.
Must be willing to
wine, dine, and be
a full-time sugar
daddy on the down
low. I am a one man
woman, looking for
a two woman man.
If you are not at
tached, rich. and over fifty-five, do
not respond. j
Seeking a dirty,
smelly hippy. Must be
overly enthusiastic
about 'doing it' in
the ravine and know how to fix my bike.
Belief in free love is
a must, I am all about
sharing the love.
If you are a shower
er, or are not vegan
don't bother. Looking for an open
minded lover. Must like handcuffs, blind
folds, role-playing,
dogs, horses, fur-ri es, stuffed ani -
mals, and (most im
portantly) the Dave
Matthew's Band.
Apple-bottomed
girls and snacks are
encouraged. XIV
Peter Christenson's list of .. .,
¢ Donating breasts
¢ Halitosis
¢ Finger-banging
¢ Templeton
¢ Global Warming
¢ Railing coke off of a
spectacularly large penis
¢ Censorship
¢ Getting high off smelling cat
piss (Cheezin')
¢ Ron Paul
¢ Granny porn
¢ Sports bloopers
¢ Gerard Depardieu
¢ When rwo people fall in love but the
boyfriend can't keep his dick in his
pants and fucks the annoying, loud
chick down the hall because "baby,
I was blacked out," and then they
have to break up and the girlfriend
can never trust a man again, except
of course her father, but he's kind of a
bastard, too.
¢ Country music the Moist Log, the future
RlJJIV!PMn!
NEW SINS!
Pope Benedict updated the list of deadly sins to include contemporary
evils that also guarantee eternal damnation. How many have you
already got under your belt? NOTE: Lust, greed, sloth, wrath, glut
tony, envy, and pride still apply.
The internet
Being excessively wealthy
Wearing excessive eye make-up
Pedophilia
Misused semi-colons
2nd base
Genetic engineering
Racism
Reverse racism
Road head
,( -
Talcing or dealing dru.gs
Homelessness
Avarice
Scientplogy
DrinkinCJ your sorrows away
For more on how to get into hell, see page Ill.
PHOTO FROM ICANHASl'OPE.COM
They•re JusC l~ke us! """0
We caught these famous religious figures from throughout the ages doing things we do too! 4{'(\e,'f
SPECIAL: 2\eftgious figures e6ition
COMPILED BY JOAN OF ARC
They dowt1 a cold ot1e
after •
St. Theresa Pope
Benedict _VI _____ I_I ___________________________ r_he_P1_·o_ne_e_r_L_o_g_, A..1p1111r_i1_2_0_, _14_2_0
English poetry competition pits beard versus beard
by Emily Dickinson // staff
Walk through the upper level of MiUer
next Tuesday ... if you dare! Professors Jerry
"Hobo" Harp, Lyle "The Slasher'' Asher, and
Kurt "Fosso" Fosso wiU be slamming it our
in the 2nd annual "Battle of the Beards" po
etry competition.
The contest consists of several rounds of
poetry recitation. The contestants are graded
on accuracy, rhythm, and poise, as well as a
variery of other characteristics.
About rwenry percent of the competi
tion's scoring categories deal with the ap
pearance of che contestant's facial hair. As the
rules read: "This distinguished award will go
co the person who can most arcfuliy recite
poetry, and who has the beard co really make
it seem fancy."
Harp, Asher, and Fosso have hiscorically
been the sole competitors in the annual con
test, however, this is not necessary; "We've
actually been seeking more competition, buc
honescly, who dse is there?" said Fosso.
"Mary [Szybist] would really like to com
pete, and honestly, I think she'd be great. Bue
she .... she doesn't meet some of the require
ments," said Harp.
"How would she be judged on beard
length and color?" said Asher.
Szybisc commenced only by displaying a
knowing, kind, yet somewhat intimidating
smile.
"There are a lot of rules," said Harp, "and
many more have evolved over rime. For ex
ample ... they used to allow original poems,
but not anymore ... I guess they thought it was unfair."
"We were just so tired of his damn 'Crea
ture'," said Asher, commenting on that rule.
"How long can that gag really last?"
Although each contestant is required
co recite poems from several rime periods,
each of che professors has one "free choice"
round. le is suspected char, as usual, Harp
will recite a Donald Justice poem, Asher a
Shakespearean Sonner, and Fosso, "well, he's
a wild card," said Asher, "and kind of a jerk
sometimes. He pretends to be all intellectual
and aloof ... bur he can really get
dirry." Harp reminisced about
last year, when Fosso, at the
lase minute, announced he
would recite Professor Mary
Szybist's, ''Do Noc Desire Me,
Imagine Me."
"My own wife!" comment
ed Harp, "how fair is that, re-
u ," a y.
Cerra.in members of the
English deparunenr find the
competition silly. "Oh, I nev
er go," said Karen Gross. "It's
just ... you know ... well, there
are also rules against Middle
English ... " Gross completed
her comments by gesturing
wildly and walking away.
In acrualiry, Gross did at
tempt to enter the competition
last year under a pseudonymn
(Geoffery Recuahc), wearing a
fake beard. However, she was discovered when a scudenr recognized her
srylish heeled boots during the preliminary
stages of competition. "I didn't mean to dis
qualify her," said English Major and vampire
affidanado Allie Kerr ('08). "l just got so ex
cited! She looked really great as a man."
The contest's award for the winning rec
itation has varied from year to year, and is
usually not announced until the final cere-
1 mony. "Different contestants want different
things out of the competition," said admin
istrative assistant Meghan Cahn, che compe
tition's organizer. "People with kids enjoy a
cerrain sort of prize, and ochers ... well, let's
say someone chinks he shouldn't just be 'vis
iting' anymore."
The "Battle of !he Beards" poetry com
petilion will take place next Tuesday, April
8, on the 4'h floor of Miller.
Karen Gross, in her un
successful disguise
The Battle of the Beards will
feature English profs Lyell Asher,
Kurt Fosso, and Jerry Harp.
Democratic diehards find candles, kittens and GOP - by Bilbo Baggins // staff hobbit
During his years at Lewis & Clark Col
lege, Mace Savage '08 has appeared to be a
stalwart liberal with good -catholic morals.
He has worked with Oregon Speaker of the
House, Jeff Merkley, and has missionary
work io Latin America.
An anonymous informant for the Pioneer
Log has recently come across Savages secret
life. As a pagan republican cult leader.
Claire Rogers '(09) cold the Piolog of her
recem faUout with former friend Savage, "l
used to go to a bunch of his parties at his on
campus apartment until they started getting
a little creepy." Rogers described stumbling
around his apartment looking for the bath
room when she heard chanting coming from
behind a closed door, "I opened the door and
Matt and some other guys were all kneel
ing around this shrine with Dick Cheney's
picture on it. There were candles and in
cense and they were holding chis serrated
knife to the neck of a kitten." She conrinued
co explain her shock after Savage allegedly slammed the door in her face, "l don't even big school leaders are in it. I don't think I
think you're allowed co have kittens in the need co name a certain student body presi-
aparcments." dent who attends every meeting."
The anonymous soltrce also aletced the The cult has been accused of being respon-
Piolog that when Savage set his room on fire sible for the attempted abduction of a student
during his sophomore year, it was actually last semester for an intended virgin sacrifice
during a pagan ritual to resurrect controver- co Mississippi senator Trent Lott. They ;i.ve
sial South Carolina former governor Strom also been linked to an underground pro·s
Thurmond. "He was crying to burn a penta- tion link, soliciting, according co their web·
gram in his carpet co begin the ritual when site, "nice, white, conservative girls," offering
his curtains caught Bame and the building a special discount co right-wing government
------""'----------""-------'----- officials. "Pinko commies need
"They were holding this serrated
knife to the neck of a kitten." not apply."
Dean of Students W Houston
Dougharry commented that "the
cult, though seemingly dangerous,
is still a quote-unquote religious
organization, so we as an admin
istration can't exactly prohibit its -Claire Rogers (' 09)
had to be evacuated." Savage denies these
claims and says instead chat fire started due
to a freak accident while smoking pot.
One member of Savage's cult who would
also like to remain anonymous claimed chat
the organization is quite sizeable. "It's like
the KKK of pagan Republican cults. AU the practice on campus."
Dougharry continued, "As long as they
story the animal sacrifices, arson, and at
tempted kidnapping and rape, we have to
respect their contribution to the diversiry of
this campus." After his imerview with the Piolog, it was
revealed that Dougharry has been a member
of the cult since it's conception upon Savages
arrival to L&C.
For more information on meetings, contact
isoldmysoultothegop@lclark.ed11 .th_e_P_io_n_e_er_L_o_g_,_1u_1_y_I
11119,
11111_9_8_6 __________ ~ _________________ I_X_
LC Hippie was a total
jock in high school
Hippie kid Brad Gerbin caught acting preppily, in a
non-ironic fashion
by Albert Green II staff king
Recent Facebook photographs have re
vealed that popular Lewis and Clark rasra.far
ian, Brad "Coyote" Gerbin, has not always
been the freewheeling spirit that he seems to
be. The album, cicled "Friends 4ever", shows
Coyote as a preppy high school kid, drink
ing Mike's Hard Lemonade, playing video
games and, shockingly, wearing an Aero
poscale shirt, with the collar popped. "To
paz," a friend of his, expressed his shock. "Ir
really threw my chi otf cenrer. Like, harshed
my mellow, you know? Coyote is my guru.
He's the chillest chiller our there. I love chill
ing with liirn. Bue chose pictures weren't
chill with me".
Often seen as an opporruniry to rein
vent oneself after high school, College is
the perfect chance for scudenrs co undo cl1e
superficial image they had adopted in high
school and co fabricate an entirely new fa
yade. Associate Professor of Counseling
Psychology Peter Morrola chimed in on this
common practice. "Ultimately, there are
lots of factors that determine the desire for
students to adopt a certain image. The need
to express their inner iodividualiry through
outward appearance is one. Bur che larg
est motive for male srudencs would have co
be che chicks. In high school, biddies love
clean-cur cheesy dudes but in college they're
looking for a little more danger. The illusion I
of intelligence is key." In chis new environ
ment, body odor replaces Axe spray as the
faramone du jour, and Sering Cheese Inci
dent supplants Linkm Park. But, as in the
case of Coyote, when identities collide, the
results can be catastrnphic. 1n the wake of
the album's appearance, which Gerbin was
slow co unrag due to a staph infection chat
left him bedridden for several days, his cen
tral role as "wisdomkeeper" at this month's
celebration of rhe full moon was revoked.
"We're all about acceptance, peace, love and,
you know, acceptance," one of his friends,
who prefers ro go by Allegra, said. "But we
fucking bate squares." Duuuuude ... Swing a dick!
by Ishmael // staff sailor
If you're an alienated or sexually frus
trated Lewis & Clark student and wane co
hang wirh people just like you, look no fur
ther than LC's mAn Center. This new, up
and-coming club has created quite a buzz for
itself in such a shorr time, even though it has
been riddled with controversy and mystery.
"My friends and T jusr wanted somewhere
we could go and share our views abour life
without being persecuted," said the center's If you badn'r noticed, there's something
a little odd about the center's name. "Yeah,
we know it's grammatically incorrect," said a
member of the mAn's Center. "We thought
char it was important co have a phallic title.
Sure the 'm' makes it look like the word has -three balls, but so be it. That's just more man
ro go arou~d," said Mack.
The bulletin board outside rhe mAn's
Center is quite possibly the highlight of the
group. Ir's impossible not to notice rhe enor
mous poster featuring various popular porn
founder, Mikey "Tri
ple Kegger" Mack III
('09). "~e welcome
all students ac LC ro
stop by and chill ouc.
Ir's like a parry every
day!" "Sure the 'm' makes it look like the
word has three balls, but so be it. That's
just more man to go around.""
The mAn's Center
offers many different activities for patrons
and students to enjoy almost every week.
"We have a weekly movie viewing in our of
fice," said Webber. "We're warch}ng a Cap
tain Power and the Soldiers of the Future Rick
this week. Next week, I'm thinking either
Bloodsport or Commando. You know, clas
sics."
Hey you!
Explore &
discover
THIS
PHOTOS BY BEYONCE
Don't worry. If you close
you,· eyes, Michael Ford
can't see you running
away.from him half
naked in the Manor
House. stars' breasts. "I don't see what the problem
is," said Mack. ''l mean, there's big pairs and
small pairs. We're nor being exclusive or any
thing."
The mAn's Center's members meet nearly
everyeveningjust to chill, drink Miller High
Life, play Gamecube, scan ESPN and com
pare dick sizes.
by Gilbert Osmond II sneaky prick
Lewis & Clark is full of places for young
lovers co find ouc what college is all about.
The following locations are prime places for
the young and advenmrous to "Explore and
Discover".
0669-Elevators. What else would they be
used for besides "pushing burrons"? It's rime
co rake your significant other on the ultimate
vertical adventure.
0671-Do you see chat hole in the cen
ter of rhe table? Fill it! Preferably chis sec
tion would be prime for multiple lovers bur,
if chis is not your sryle, a variety of pillows
would also do.
0678-The Chapel. How many rimes
have you screamed for God with your lov
er without a response? Well now, worry no
more. God will hear you, and he will like ic.
0687-If you haven't had sex in KLC then
you might not be breaching, or you're nor a
hipster. Eicher way, the code is 0369. Do ir.
0705-The Stacks. Check out a book and
check out your lover's@$$. lc's risky, bur isn't
all sex risky? Playing with Yourself the Mystical Log, Super Bowl Sunday, J 995
• Pios adopt ball of fuzz as new, lllore appropriate IT1ascot
by Albert Belle
Afrer rounds and rounds of fo
cus groups, panel discussions and
talking to Ryan Chapman, the
Lewis & Clark athletic adminis
tration has decided to adopt a new
graphic identity. This identity will
center on a new logo: a small ball
of fuzz.
The new logo comes just one
year after a change to the inter
locking black and ornnge LC. The
change was a more energetic aggres
sive logo linked together by a white
ampersand. But an athJeric pro
gram mired in mediocrity wanced
more. Like an additional logo that
has nothing co do with the school
or the name Pioneers.
The athletic adminisrrarion
brought in world renowned graph
ic designer Todd Radom to create the new logo. Radom has designed
numerous Super Bowl logos as well
as team identities. The first round
of ideas produced a fierce frontiers
man holding an axe.
The logo epitomized a Pioneer.
Bur the logo was deemed coo cool
looking co be on athletic apparel.
fn particular, the administration
didn't want co put the logo on the
helmets of the football ream.
"1l1e football team hasn't won a
game since 2003," said Athletic Di
rector Clark Yeager. "So, you know.
We needed co come up with some
thing more to that level of badness.
So we sac down with Todd and
some football players and said:
'Hey what defines you as a
team?' A lot of the guys said well
we are pretty undersized and lack
some basic fundamental football skills, but we look good and we
are pretty badass. Naturally, from
that we came up with a small ball
of fuzz."
The men's basketball team also
seemed co like the new ball of fuzz
look. "I mean balls of fuzz get
around, just like us," said one play
er. Another agreed, "Balls of fuzz
sometimes end up on rhe inside
of the dresses of platinum blonde
white girls with fake tans. So we
can relate."
But not all athletes were hap
py with the new look. "I have al
lergies," said one women's tennis
player.
The new logo is expected co go
imo effect this fall, with a grand
unveiling taking place in a dusry
corner in the basement of Pamp
lin.
Sports cliques gather at non
fun, heinously awkward party
by Ted Danza
In what can only be described
as a bevy of empry conversation,
poor eye contact and grouping in
corners, Lewis & Clark's sports
reams gathered this past weekend
in a fruitless effort co transcend the
teams' infamous exclusivity.
Representatives from both var
sity and club sports alike attended the parry, which lasted roughly 25
minutes -with all involved parties
insisting char "we should do this
again sometime."
The parry, which not only saw
rhe segregation of all Lewis &
Clark teams, but also varsity and
non-varsity athletes, was defined
by one uncomfortable moment
after another. The enrire crowd
In hindsight, the music choice (above) was a poor decision. had centered around the lone beer
pong cable, but that activity ended
uneasily and with high tension af
ter the participating football play
ers were unable to win a game.
Towards rbe end of rhe parry,
basketball scar Mark Robinowit'L
('08) shared his post graduation
plans with Jordan Smiley ('08), but
after the rwo had said their good
byes, they awkwardly walked in rhe
same direction cowards the exit,
prompting both men to check the
rime on their cell phones.
The only common ground
found among the athletes was
laughing ar the crew team, which
every circle agreed upon were way
roo cliquey a group.
Student accivices, which hosted
the party, had anticipated a much
less disasrrous outcome from the
parry: "l don't know where we
went wrong," reflected parry host
and LC fanatic Shane Rivera ('09),
"we had parry streamers and name
tags." Rivera promised the next
parry will feature better music,
prettier colors and less moments of
uninterrupted silence.
The parry ended when kicker
Andrew Foore (' 10), suggested the
parry move to Tryon, which every
team used as an opporruniry to go
back co their own respective house
holds. LC will be the first school to have a ball of fuzz for a mascot.
JP Morgan bails out
f~iling LC Athletics
by Lyndon LaRouche
In a shocking announcement
from Clark Yeager, Lewis & Clark's
Director of Physical Education &
Athletics, JP Morgan has agreed
ro bail out LC's failing athletic de
partment. The move, which comes
on rhe heels of a recession of ath
letically talented individuals at LC,
has sent shockwaves throughout
the Division Ill Northwest Con
ference.
The bailout likely marks che be
ginning of a new chapter of poor
financial decisions from Lewis &
Clark officials, the costs of which
will undoubtedly be borne on sru
denc tuition. Alumni conrriburions co LC
Arhlerics have fallen from nearly
$60 per contributing person co
-$10, as many former LC sru
dents are demanding some of their
money back. Some experts had
long anticipated the fallout, not
ing the lack of 'winning' -a term
commonly ascribed co teams that
are successful -on the pan of just
about every LC sport.
Many current srudents, how
ever, feel betrayed by rhe move,
which will require "JP Morgan: In
novative Strategic Solutions" co be
embroidered on all jerseys and hel
mets. Additionally, any player that
fails to have a remarkable season
in their respective spore will not
... any player that fails to have a remarkable
season in their respective sport will not receive
complimentary retirement plan services.
The surprise, last-ditch rescue
effort, announced just after another
miserable performance from men's
golf, is the latest troubling sign of
LC's persistent effort to salvage
their dwindling athletic depart
ment. "We regret co resort to such
dramatic measures," said Yeager,
"but we were on the verge of liq
uidating every team bur Women's
lacrosse." receive complimentary retirement
plan services.
The athletic department, which
perhaps spreads their budget roo
thin with 13 different varsity
sports, is also going to consider
cutting high-price programs such
as baseball and football, and re
placing chem with low-cost, family
friendly spores such as badminton
and Candyland. 2
-ii•iiidt•f•i _L. ________________ _.X ... _I_ ,uth!.\iei.JM~e~lt~ed~L~o~g,_, A~p,:,,:ri.i.l .:.1~51,_l,:.9~1~--------- ________ .
A Message From The L&C
mAn's Center You: Got a pretty face.
Me: Going to change that
with my big ass crowbar. You: Holding the soap.
Me: Wishing you would drop it so I
can rape you then bear you then make
you my bitch for the next 3 years. This Saturday, the rnAn's Center is sh?wing the
documentary Captain Power And The Soldiers Of 'If:e
Future: Raid On Volcama.
Group leader Mr. Show-Fax is
hoping chat the film will raise
awareness of the importance
of America's future space
soldiers. "These men are the
worlds lase hope in America's
conflict with Volcania. We
need to lee chem know chat
earth women still wanr to
be impregnated with their
children even though they
have been exposed to Volcania's
poisonous gasses," said Show
fax. The documentary will
be shown chis Friday at 7:00
p.m. in Council Chamber. No
women will be admitted. You: .---------------------------, You: Mr.
Gonna
gee cut.
Me:
Holdin'
che shiv. 'J}eu Cau3'~t 6o1.!J. ~.!J.e, <Pbn~ !
'c'i);/1 '{?~,!j.Sical~ ;}eurt 'J}eu Free Hugs.
Me: I voted
for you.
Email YCMEAIWPHY at piolog@lclark.edu
You: Boy with shaggy hair and a
small beard that wears right-ish
pants and that smokes American
Spirits.
Us: LC Football team ... beware. You: Cut in the sandwich line at
the Bon.
Me: WiJJ cut you to the bone
and then put a sand'\ii,lch in
your wound_ You:· Guy who spilled glitter in
Pamplin.
Me: Not telling anyone.
Brandon Roy•s Ar1
Show Slam--tastic Attacks Basketdogg
,'ll,'a,,,,: Her;, that
hoald totally be
oar -/'a.c.e on th,'.s
o dollar l>,'/1. Paintings by the Portland's
own Brandon Roy will be
exhibited at the Hoffman
Gallery chis week. Before his
love of basketball developed,
Roy spent most of his time
in the. studio. Here are a few
of his more famous works.
Expect more masterpieces all
week in Hoffman.
Her,-wether: w,'/1
~ jood Mu.17 1
I a,,,, ;n -/'all
~reeMent. I ...
j;Jt4d, that ;.s
~ -l'a.c.e o~ that
f>,'IIJ Oh IM .So
excded I C.oald
·asC l,'ve --/'oreVer.
NI)
li "116'S'S\1'l ..,~ ..... w,'/l,'a,,,,: S(KE
Mer;r'l:41#0f'_I _I.'
11,Pr,'/ rool .s .' I
·a.st tqped that
?,'c.tare ol'you
you 3c¥e Me ,'n
hjh .school to ~
Money. Mer,'wether: I'M
.So Mu.d I don't
know what I'/>1
3="n:3 to do ,'n the
;t;' na/ ed,'t,'on of' i{,~i~\ * the P:oneer l°3···
I ~¼~\<~s. _ ____:;•, ____ .....1..-____ _
mb
• ct1v
ong
ont
ngress tur
o gans on th lark Colle
• ess 1
vers
to kidnapping
lack market t 0
d selling
rase debt. . VI
mossy 109 /n/: "While laying down-~ have your __ throw up in your __ __, then, __ it right back into her __ ."
adj: state of dress n: derogative female
term n: orifice v presen ttense:
to excrete n: different
orifice 0
0
0 _I_I _____________________ §f.i•M·---------Wh-•a-t'.c_h_a.rh_i_n_ki_·n_'_'_b_o_ur_?_,_A_p_r_il_2_0_,_1_4_20
~Mossy
Log
EDITORS-IN-CHIEF:
Puoo1N Curs BEECHEM &
JoNESY DtSABATINo
NEWS .EDITORS:
luv\lNY REDDICK &
B1c B01 WEBBER
FORUM EDITORS:
KATE-MONSTER HUNTER &
MILITARY PENCHANSKY
FEATURES EDITORS:
DARN Kins? GARCIA &
GoLDILOCKS Hou:JDAY
ARTS EDITORS:
]ERRY Su£ McCARTHY &
CAT LADY STI.ENSTRA
SPORTS EDITOR:
COCHRAN, JR.
BACKDOOR EDITOR:
GOLLY Grm KARNES
PHOTO EDITORS:
CAKE BAKER&
GlMMfE SUGARMAN
h.LUSTRATORS: BREAD JONAS &
{NVlSIBILJTY BwcK
STAFF WRITERS:
AfClJJBOLD REILLY
CoVER OFSIGN:
WHOOUNN'IT FRANKS
WEBMASTER: SMARM STIGLER
ADS MANAGERS: .
DouBLESTUF ARNOLD
ADVISOR:
P-DJODY CHRISTENSON
TH,£ PIONEER LoG SERVEl TO INFORM
TH.E lEwi.s & CIARK COM.MUNITY ON
ISSIJES OP CONCERN TO STUOBNTS. WE
AIU! COMMl'n-eo TO THE 'FRE&ANO
ARTICULATE E.XPlUlSSlON OF IDEAS. WE
00 NOT OISCRJ.MINATE BASED ON ETH
NICITY, GENDER, SEXUAL ORJl'.NTATfON,
OISABIIJlY, ACE OR CLASS. WE RESERVE
THI! RIGHT '1'0 REFUSll TO PRINT ANY
AOVERTISEM.BN'T, SUBMJSSION, OR
ARTICLE TIIAT DOl!S NOT MEET THE
STANDARDS OF TIIE PIONEER Loe.
AoVERTl~'l!MENITS, UTTERS TO THE
Eo1TOR A.NO EorrORIALS 00 NOT NEC
ESSARILY REFLECT THE OPINIONS OF THI'.
PIONEER Loe OR LEWIS & CJ.ARK
CoLLEGI!.
Tl-IE PIONEER loG
061 5 SW PALATINE HO..L Ro.
MSC Ill
Polttl.ANo, OR 97219
rll0NE: (503) 768-7146
£-MAIL: PIOLOG@LCLAR.K.EOV
HTTP://wwvt:PIOLOC.Nlrr
Ttte PIONEER LoG IS FUNDED BYYOOR
STUDl!NT FEES. Todd Lochner fucks sheep
by John Locke II staff existentialist
Todd Lochner, beloved Political came guy," said Brysacz, "I mean ...
Science professor besr known for with that innocent lircle beard, and
his disciplined teaching methods he's always saying 'okey-dokey' ...
in his Conscicutional Law classes, bur you never know, I guess."
was recendy caught ----~----~ Lochner is de-
participating in fending himself in
beastialicy in his his upcoming trial.
J.R. Howard Hall "l know what I'm
office. doing," he said. "I
Ben Brysacz have about seven
('08), a smdenr and post-graduate de-
friend of the pro- grees, you know."
fessor, was shocked Lochner could
ar rhe news. "He face up co twenty
seems like a really years in prison.
Ill t NO
.,NKEl"\tT
f'/IC.11\l
kAIR
~ -
♦ A whistle blower accused a high ranking ASLC
official of hiring former Gov. Eliot Spitzer as a
personal sex toy on April 1. The official reportedly
• used money from the Activities Congress'
Homecoming budget to pay for their sexcapades.
♦ A Bon official reported that students have been
taking more than one piece of fruit from Field's
Dining Hall on April 1. Three students were shot
on sight.
♦ A student reported that their mail had been
stolen out of their mailbox on April 1. They'd
really like to get their flyers back so they don't
miss the next upcoming symposium and/ or
internship opportunity.
♦ Several students reported bad smells coming
from other students on April 1. This may not be a
crime, but it probably should be.
♦ KLC apparently broadcasted a vulgar,
scandalous and criminally negligent show on The week's main events -1n brief
President Thomas J. Hochstetder changed the spelling of bis
name on Tuesday for the sixth rime in two years. Hocksrrelrer expects
fewer letters of complaint as a result, as Lewis & Clark srudents are "eas
ily discouraged".
Board ofTrustees approved new additions to Watzek Library. The
project will include a small pioneer-themed rollercoaster which wiU fea
ture prominenrly in campus tours. An additional southern wing wiU
house a labyrinthine room known only as "The Gauntlet,'' which profes
sors wilJ be require to complete before receiving tenure.
* "' *
Pamplin Society of Fellows released a statepient, saying "What the
hell, lee's lee one more kid in." Sophomore recipient Kary Enrrekin was
overjoyed at the decision. Speaking on behalf of the Sociecy, Professor
Srephen Dow Beckham described the April Fools' joke as "unnecessarily
mean-spirited."
* * *
Senior Nathaniel Massey forgot his major, wrote tbe wrong the
sis. Upon his discovery, Massey was furious. "I swore it would never
happen again," he cold the Piolog.
* ,. ,.
KLC broadcasted half an hour of dead air after an unnamed stu
dent radio hose arrived lace. KLC General Manager Laura Horley ex
pects the Programming Director's immediare resignation.
ASLC pr~idential nomination fight went negative after a hard
month of campaigning. Media criticism of presidential candidate Shane
Rivera conrinues to grow despite Mike Gravel's endorsement.
* * *
Co-op not actually cooperative, studies suggest. Researchers ar the
Unjversicy of California at Irvine have discovered extreme ideological
divisions among the staff' and frequent cuscomers.
* * *
Fans turn out for Lewis & Clark football games in record nwn
bers. Approached for comment, one fan described ir as the "high warer
mark" for the Pioneers, who have "really hie their stride." The other fan
declined to comment.
* * *
In response to aUegations of gambling addiction, ASLC President
Autry Liggett defended his recommendations for rhe Fall 2008 SAAB
budget. "If you know how to pick 'em, ir's not gambling," he said. ~If
anyone here knows more about turtle racing, tell me I'm wrong."
* * *
Foreign language department will add Yiddish as a seventh lan
guage. 1n response co newly hired professor Lois Fein berg's complaints
chat ir will be limited co a minor program, chair Dinal1 Dodds replied,
"scop ,w:iur kvetching, you're lucky you don't get bubkes."
* * *
Manzanita Hall temporarily closed for fumigation. Campus Liv
ing Coordinator David Barman Rosengard has gone on record saying
char he is unaware of how the polar bear got our of its cage, bur he ac
cepts full responsibility.
* * *
Archery Club and Cheese Club announced a merger Friday after-
April 1. No one reported it because no one was noon. Spokesmen for borh parries expressed optimism for rhe furure of
L-_li_· s_t_e_n_m·_g_. ____________________ _, . rhe club, paving the way for a new era of reconciliation. _th_e_n __ -_o_Lii,ioiiigii,J oil,i6.,. _N_o_v_,_1_9_8_7 ______________ .: 1I1■1@4.faI1 ■1,M¥-111. _____________________ 1_1_1_
LC history professor caught up in Bollywood porn scandal
by Abijah Golightly // staff fish
Since 2002, Assistant Professor of History David Cam
pion has been a favorite professor for many of Lewis & Clark
College's history students. An expert on the British Em
pire, Campion teaches an array of classes studying che Unit
ed Kingdom as well as South Asia and East Africa. George
Sewall '09, a student of Campion's, explains rhar, "one of the
reasons he's such a good professor is nor only char he knows
so much about the regions, but that he's also lived rhere. I
wish I had che resources to crave! and explore like he did after
college.''
When asked casually about his Life experiences, Campion
is happy to tell students about the year he lived in North In
dia when he was writing his dissertation for graduate school.
He'll tell entertaining stories about culture shock and inter
esting restaurants -generally run-of-the-mill srories of an
American overseas.
W'hat Campion doesn't share is how he paid for his year
abroad.
On March 27, 2008, while many L&C students were
resting on their spring break, Padmakali Gupra '08, wbose
parents emigrated from India before she was born, set out
ro rent a film from her Portland Bollywood rental store of
choice. "I decided tO rent Monsoon Wedding because it's one
of my favorites," Gupta remembers, "and when I got home, a
different movie was in rhe case."
Gupra recounrs playing rhe rape and being shocked to see chat instead of rhe Indian classic, she had insread accidentally
rented what looked like Bollywood pornography.
"I sac and watched it for a minute or so -1 was in awe
-and as if it weren't shocking enough, when rhey finally
showed the male actor's face, I realized it was one of my pro
fessors!"
Gupta thought for a moment chat it might have been
some sort of coincidence -perhaps rhe actor in the film
wasn't really~ younger, sweatier version of Campion. She de
cided co search the internet for answers about rhe film, which
is entitled Voyage into the Punjab.
Sure enough, Campion as listed was the leading role,
playing "Mahatma Longdi." One old review of rhe low-bud
get porn describes rhe plot as "young Indian on a journey co
explore and discover uncharted territory."
When questioned on rhe subject, Campion refused co
comment. However, sources cell the Pioneer Log rhar Cam
pion was approached while on a beach on the west coast of
India to star in Voyage into the Punjab. "I don't know all of
the derails," rhe anonymous source reported, "but I do know
chat he was wearing one hell of a Speedo."
It would seem char Campion's racy hobby didn't last very
long; no ocher films have surfaced that also scar rhe young
professor. Yer. "1 can't wait to see what other culmres of sex
he's championed," Sewall said, "he did spend four years in
rhe 'navy' ... " Prof. David Campi01'1' in Voyage into the Punjab
The college administration also dedined to comment on
the subject. However, it was made ic clear ro the Pioneer Log
that Campion wiJI nor have to worry about his place at the
school. Many LC administrators and staff informally agree
rhar Campion's porn career is behind him.
• * *
Voyage into rhe Punjab is available on reserve in the Aubrey
Wat:zek Library.
LC phases out international students due to carbon cost
by Archibold Reilly // staff banjo player
Lase Friday, Greg ''Gregory" Caldwell, International Stu
dents and Scholars director and Associate Dean of Students,
announced char Lewis & Clark wiJJ no longer be accepting
international students due to rhe outrageous carbon cost of
shipping chem to Portland.
"I believe rhar education should be universal," Caldwell
stared, "but right now 1 rhink we all need ro be un.i-Earch-al.
If we keep shipping srudents halfway across rhe world there
won't be a planet left by che ti me they graduate." Orher pares
of the school bureaucracy are embracing the change as well.
Houston "Babyfeet" Dougherty chimed, "This is a grear seep
for the new "Vs--Them" menrality rhat we're crying to pro
mote in Campus Living.Q
The school health office fully supports chis move, report
ing that in the past year international students bave brought
on bouts of rickets, chiggers, the avian Au, scabies, scurvy, yel
low fever, malaria, cholera, rhe grippe, TB, bad rrips, arthri
tis, rheumatism, the black death, herpes z simplex, giardia,
calluses, monasticism, lockjaw, hyporhermia, skull trauma,
syphilis, exema, psoriasis, puberty, Rainier, gallstones, UTT,
glaucoma, turrets, schizophrenia, existentialism, migraines,
anal leakage, the uncommon cold, poison oak, ectopic preg
nancies, and the whooping cough.
Though rhe administration has no plan to eject current in
ternational students, scholarships will not be offered to those
unable co find carbon natural transportation to rhe college. "This is so mean," whined Yunjie "Shelley" Zhao, a sopho
more interoarional student and Pamplin Scholar from Chi
na. "The only help l've gonen is a letter suggesting I should
try and tag along with an Olympic sailing team."
lnrernational scudents are not the only ones being asked
co make sacrifices. There is a plan to move rhe overseas pro
gram coward carbon-friendly transportation, rumored co
send students out on rail ships to sail the Atlantic on a fur
trading route before arriving at rheir destinarions.
Student responses have been mixed. Environmental advo
cates have been pleased, but there are some worries.
Ease Asian Studies Major David Shackleford (' I 0) was
seen sobbing after rhe announcement was senc out. He set
his Facebook status immediately co "No More Japanese Girls
-what will I do?"
Jordan Overleigh ('09) interrupted bis English class,
where Lyle Asher made cbe announcemenr, and shouted
"Our Bananas, and now our friends .... chis sh it's whack!" be
fore storming out of rhe classroom.
This decision has revealed an undercurrent of xenophobia
among srudenrs. "I feel so much safer," commenced Garik
Asplund (' 10). "l always thought I could feel chem looking at
me. I'm sure che planet feels the same way."
ASLC presidential candidate Shane Rivera ('09) simply
seemed happy that he "won't have to hug chem anymore."
According to President Hochstenler, "This is only the be
ginning of a larger plan co bring Lewis and Clark co carbon International students will be the next casualty
of environmental awareness
neutrality. We're looking at ways to completely eliminate our
carbon footprint. Research shows tbat students consume the
most oxygen through 'breathing.' With rhis in mind, we plan
to implement a breach plan over the nex.t ten years that will
limit this needless waste of our precious oxygen."
. . . . _I_V ______________________ .®1•M-fiw€1111Rfflr•-•---------th.e_L_o_n_e_1y __ L_o1111g_,_F_e_b_ru_ary ___ 2_9_,_2_0_0_1
by Mike Ock II staff truth-teller and non-gay male enthusiast
This week Lewis & Clark students participated in a hose
of Take Back the Night rallies and workshops organized by
such organizations as the Womyn's Center, United Sexuali
ties, and Scudems for a Democratic Society. Designed as an
event to lee women speak out against sexual violence while
metaphorically and literally caking back the night, these
workshop proved a pathetic excuse for PMS-driven women
co bitch and complain about feminist mumbo jumbo, claim
ing victimhood at every chance they got.
1, for one, found their outright anti-male messages offen
sive and su-scientifically proven chat women like to
be hie. A lot. The face was the most re
quested among our survey participants.
To say chat women are oppressed or
the victims of society is to downright lie.
Noc only is there viable evidence char
women enjoy being so-called "victims",
but it is also a face chat they deserve all
they get. Thus, I believe (with the sup
port of the mAn's Cenrer and che Future
Scientists
perfluous. It
is a common
ly known fact
chat men are
the superior
gender, and
any arcempt
ac challenging
this can only
be taken as a It is a commonly known fact that men for a Man
ly Society)
that men
should cake are the superior gender, and any attempt
at challenging this can only be taken as a
pathetic attempt at the fabricated concept
of gender "equality". back che
night from
the angry,
hairy-arm-
picced ex
cuses for
pathetic attempt at che fabricated concept of gender "equal
ity."
Everyone knows chat women like to be taken advantage
of. For example, at a mAn's Center meeting earlier this week,
we discussed sexual experiences in which "no" really does
mean "yes." Complete with charts and survey results, it was women chat scole it from us co begin
with. The nighc was never yours, birch.
Step back and shave your goddamn legs.
1he "Taking Back the Night" rally will
take place everyday, if you have the balls to
punch a bitch.
DWIGHT SCHRUTE'S FACT PIECE:
Pope! Athletic Pi rector frustrated at lack of steroid use.
by Dwight Schrute // staff Office advocate
QUESTION: SHOULD YOU USE STEROIDS TO WIN?
- FACT: YOUR PARENTS WOULD HAVE ABOR1.,ED A LOSER.
L ewis & Clark Athletic Director Clark Yeager ex
pressed his frustration Tuesday after mandatory
NCAA random drug tests en LC athletes returned
with negative results across the board. The NCAA
has begun cracking down on banned substance abuse in
collegiate competition in the wake of the public steroids
scandal embroiling professional baseball stars like former
Yankee's aces Roger Oemens and Andy Petit in contro
versy.
Inconsistent drug testing has alfowed steroids to be
come a major problem in both professional and college
sports, but largely it has been a problem reserved for Di
vision I schools, which are bigger and attract more top
arhletes. This trend is shifting as smaller schools rum to
the i!Jegal drugs to boost their muscle m~and win
ning pe.rcentage.
"We're just too scrawny," said Justin Canseco ('09),
who plays thfrd base for LC, "I weigh 160 and I'm bat
ting .180. With help, I could be batting .360. Just look
at Barry [Bonds]." That help could come in the form of
testosterone or Human Growth Hormone (HGH).
"Steroids give athletes an unfair advantage in competi
tion. That's why we need co start using them," said Yeager, anxfous to revitalize suµggling programs like{ootball, which
has the longest active losing streak in the country. HGH and
testosterone wUI be made avail~le through a new training
program strongly recommended though nor mandatory for
all athletes.
"I can see how some of the female athletes may want to
opt out of the [juie::ing] program ... it might make chem grow
hair in weird places," said Senior Assistant Director of PE/
Athletics Mark Pietrok.
Yeager declined to say whether he would offh steroids to
certain teams but he did hint chat the re;wis with fosing re
cords might be targeted fuse. "We wlll do whatever it takes ro
win games. Just in case I put in an order for 500 sterile hypo
dermic needles," said Yeager. It is unclear if the drugs will be
made available to club sport teams, but Yeager was optimistic
about a ripple effect across campus.
Huston Dougherty has offered his.support and will con~
sider relaxing campus drug policy.
"Eventually we may c<;>nsider allowing speed, crack, and
cocam.e ... basically any kind of upper char wiU push our ath
letes to the limits." Yeager bas said that marijuana will prob
ably not be part of the new training regimen, because It has
already been a large part of the previous training regimen. ''I think [por] has beeo a mixed bag. The entire tennis
team had a smoke--out before their last match, and they
seem to be doing pretty well. But rhe men's basketball
team smokes regularly, and we can all see that they didn't
make the playoffs."
Concerned parents voiced concern over the health
hazards associated with HGH, but Yeager dismissed their
fears, saying, "Second place is the first loser. We want co
be associated with winners."
School officials have endorsed Yeager's new plan on
the premise that it will help inflate a cuaently unsubstan
tial .endowment. Trustee and former badminton standout
Kirk McWilliams '69 professed his support aod prom
ised future contri:butions should the Athletic Department
adopt the new juicing program.
"Kids today are lazy. In my day we guzzled petroleum
befote every match. We were undefeated.11 [Editor's note:
The 1968 badminton team only competed in one march,
against the Reed women's' team].
As for NCAA regulations, Yeager seems unconcerned.
"By submitting oucselves to rartdom drug rests th.is week,
we've pretty much guaranteed the NCAA won't look at us
for at least another ten year.s or so," he said. "I love anything that flows, like babushkas or
shawls, but I do love to throw in some bling
now and then. Today, I have the diamonds
on my neck, but my gold American Apparel
leggings are a plus for sure." VI ... _.._ ____________________ llllllll-$•¥GJ•€J@ _____________ th_e_D_am_p __ L_o_g_,_o_ec.e.m_b_e_r_7_,_1_9_4_1
8avesd in9s A. Congress <3's dirty cash moniez
by Chunky Monkey// Staff Pool Boy been making some of us work as prostitutes for different mu
Earlier this year, the Activities Congress claimed an over
expenditure of$ I 8,000 on Lewis & Clark's homecoming
dance. This large sum of money has been difficult for the
Congress to replace. le was uncertain whether there would be
enough money to even finish rhe year. sic acts that come in. How do you chink we got Blue Scholar
to come here? Then he filmed it and puc ir up for rental!"
The pornographic films have since been removed from the
shelves, though several copies remain missing.
"I don't need to be in the Piolog every week."
-Poli-Sci Prof. Todd Lochner Recently, it has come to light that che congressional lead
ership has been involved in some unorthodox fundraising
evencs. "We needed co make up the money somehow," said
First Speaker Brandon Wiebe ('08). "We wanted to keep it
on the down-low, so a benefit evenc or asking for mon-When confronted about the accusations of kidnapping,
Wiebe showed litcle co no remorse. "I did what I bad co do.
So sue me.'' Wiebe is currently under invescigacion for multi
ple felonies and will most likely be sued by the girls' parents.
Wiebe wasn't the only bad apple of the bunch. Deputy
Speaker Shane Rivera ('09) has also been tied ro many shady
ey was our of the question. Instead, we decided -~~~ fundraising events. "Wiebe definitely took care of most
of the kidnapping and prostitution stuff, but Rivera
got his hands dirty roo," said Young. "He preferred
to rake care of the drug trafficking and internal organ to cry more subrle ways of making money."
Wiebe accompanied tbis lase remark witb a
gliding hand motion. racker."
"Everything I say is worth writing down." "These 'subtle' fundraisers have been
going on for the better part of the semes
ter," said whistle-blower Cary Young ('10).
"Wiebe and the other leaders have been par•
taking in some borderline illegal activi
ties co make money." Young gestured co
toking up. "Ir's mind blowing what
they've been able to get away with." Multiple students ar Reed College have
come forward and claimed chat Rivera has
been responsible for supplying the major
ity of drugs for rhe annual Renn Fayre. "If
it was for Huggy Bear Rivera, Renn Fayre -Eng Prof. Kurt Fosso
"As you can see, as the supply of women
goes up, the demand for gir1friends goes
down. Simple economics."
-Econ Prof. Cliff Bekar For the past couple months, tbe
leadership of Acriviries Congress has
been involved in a plethora of immorwouldn't be possible," said one of his cli
ents. "Love you Huggy Bear, stay srrong."
With his operation shut down, Rivera
has had co rely mostly on selling internal
organs over eBay.
u1 S>--Y OR.DP Ht€ 80M8 ON >-.LL OF THEM."
·IA P~f. 808 M>-.NO€l al activities, including drug dealing, kid
napping, and prostitution. "We just wanted to
make a quick buck," said Lindsay Alt (' 10). "It's
not like we were hurting anyone.'' Tm not going co talk about anything that I may
or ay not have done," said Rivera. "But let's just say
chat livers and lungs from LC don't sell for too much.
I'm probably going to have co sell my squeaky clean
ones just co make a decent profit." "t{~, I'm/pretty ~Cl-f\l
cvacht1.op1",be,.,,
-'B w-Prc,f G retx;v 'B i.nford,,
"Nothing beats sippin' on a 40 and listenin'
to Tech N9ne and P-Diddy." What Alt neglected were the countless stu
dents who had been shanghaied from tbe library
and sold into slavery co Bon Appecic, or the half
dozen Girl Scouts whose cookies were stolen and
resold on the LC Black Market. Students are encouraged to come forward with
any information involving the illegal activities of che
Activities Congress. In an official statement, Chief Jus
tice Elliot White ('08) declared, "I will not rest until
those responsible have been brought to justice ... or
I've gorcen a piece of rhe action." -Music Prof. Or/a McDonagh
"Are those real boobs?"
-Comm Prof. Peter Christenson
"I PREFER THE RENAISSANCE ARTIST WITH THE
NUNCHUCKS." The Girl Scouts were discovered in the Activi
ties Congress' office. "We were renting the
space from the Congress for the Jewish Sru
denr Union when we heard something," said
Josh Oppenheim (' 10). "I was really surprised
that they were able to hide all tbose kids in sucha small
space.'' The Activities Congress delayed releasing news
of their budget woes in the hopes that their make
shift income would cover the losses. Wiebe was dis
appointed in his results, but he made ir clear he tn-
tended to push harder.
·ART PROF. BENJAMIN DAVID
"I'll smack a bitch if I ha~. Gotta
'keep my pimp hand strong."
-Eng Prof. Mary Szvbist So far, attempts at freeing the students who were sold to
the Bon have been failures. Due co clever, iron-clad contracts,
those students will forever be required to have overpriced
meal plans and will never be satisfied with a meal again.
"Thar's nor even tbe worst of it," said Young. "Wiebe's "We haven't cried the trustees yer. They're a big
marker for prescription drugs and child porn," said Wiebe.
If rhe money continues co dribble in, Wiebe and Rivera both
said, "Desperate times call for desperate measures" before
pulling our their Chippendale's bowcies. "Ir's going to be a
long semester," lamented Rivera.
LC Casual Encounters: Look here for a good time
All interested parties please e-mail Piolog@lclark.edu Woman looking for
married professor.
Must be willing to
wine, dine, and be
a full-time sugar
daddy on the down
low. I am a one man
woman, looking for
a two woman man.
If you are not at
tached, rich. and over fifty-five, do
not respond. j
Seeking a dirty,
smelly hippy. Must be
overly enthusiastic
about 'doing it' in
the ravine and know how to fix my bike.
Belief in free love is
a must, I am all about
sharing the love.
If you are a shower
er, or are not vegan
don't bother. Looking for an open
minded lover. Must like handcuffs, blind
folds, role-playing,
dogs, horses, fur-ri es, stuffed ani -
mals, and (most im
portantly) the Dave
Matthew's Band.
Apple-bottomed
girls and snacks are
encouraged. XIV
Peter Christenson's list of .. .,
¢ Donating breasts
¢ Halitosis
¢ Finger-banging
¢ Templeton
¢ Global Warming
¢ Railing coke off of a
spectacularly large penis
¢ Censorship
¢ Getting high off smelling cat
piss (Cheezin')
¢ Ron Paul
¢ Granny porn
¢ Sports bloopers
¢ Gerard Depardieu
¢ When rwo people fall in love but the
boyfriend can't keep his dick in his
pants and fucks the annoying, loud
chick down the hall because "baby,
I was blacked out," and then they
have to break up and the girlfriend
can never trust a man again, except
of course her father, but he's kind of a
bastard, too.
¢ Country music the Moist Log, the future
RlJJIV!PMn!
NEW SINS!
Pope Benedict updated the list of deadly sins to include contemporary
evils that also guarantee eternal damnation. How many have you
already got under your belt? NOTE: Lust, greed, sloth, wrath, glut
tony, envy, and pride still apply.
The internet
Being excessively wealthy
Wearing excessive eye make-up
Pedophilia
Misused semi-colons
2nd base
Genetic engineering
Racism
Reverse racism
Road head
,( -
Talcing or dealing dru.gs
Homelessness
Avarice
Scientplogy
DrinkinCJ your sorrows away
For more on how to get into hell, see page Ill.
PHOTO FROM ICANHASl'OPE.COM
They•re JusC l~ke us! """0
We caught these famous religious figures from throughout the ages doing things we do too! 4{'(\e,'f
SPECIAL: 2\eftgious figures e6ition
COMPILED BY JOAN OF ARC
They dowt1 a cold ot1e
after •
St. Theresa Pope
Benedict _VI _____ I_I ___________________________ r_he_P1_·o_ne_e_r_L_o_g_, A..1p1111r_i1_2_0_, _14_2_0
English poetry competition pits beard versus beard
by Emily Dickinson // staff
Walk through the upper level of MiUer
next Tuesday ... if you dare! Professors Jerry
"Hobo" Harp, Lyle "The Slasher'' Asher, and
Kurt "Fosso" Fosso wiU be slamming it our
in the 2nd annual "Battle of the Beards" po
etry competition.
The contest consists of several rounds of
poetry recitation. The contestants are graded
on accuracy, rhythm, and poise, as well as a
variery of other characteristics.
About rwenry percent of the competi
tion's scoring categories deal with the ap
pearance of che contestant's facial hair. As the
rules read: "This distinguished award will go
co the person who can most arcfuliy recite
poetry, and who has the beard co really make
it seem fancy."
Harp, Asher, and Fosso have hiscorically
been the sole competitors in the annual con
test, however, this is not necessary; "We've
actually been seeking more competition, buc
honescly, who dse is there?" said Fosso.
"Mary [Szybist] would really like to com
pete, and honestly, I think she'd be great. Bue
she .... she doesn't meet some of the require
ments," said Harp.
"How would she be judged on beard
length and color?" said Asher.
Szybisc commenced only by displaying a
knowing, kind, yet somewhat intimidating
smile.
"There are a lot of rules," said Harp, "and
many more have evolved over rime. For ex
ample ... they used to allow original poems,
but not anymore ... I guess they thought it was unfair."
"We were just so tired of his damn 'Crea
ture'," said Asher, commenting on that rule.
"How long can that gag really last?"
Although each contestant is required
co recite poems from several rime periods,
each of che professors has one "free choice"
round. le is suspected char, as usual, Harp
will recite a Donald Justice poem, Asher a
Shakespearean Sonner, and Fosso, "well, he's
a wild card," said Asher, "and kind of a jerk
sometimes. He pretends to be all intellectual
and aloof ... bur he can really get
dirry." Harp reminisced about
last year, when Fosso, at the
lase minute, announced he
would recite Professor Mary
Szybist's, ''Do Noc Desire Me,
Imagine Me."
"My own wife!" comment
ed Harp, "how fair is that, re-
u ," a y.
Cerra.in members of the
English deparunenr find the
competition silly. "Oh, I nev
er go," said Karen Gross. "It's
just ... you know ... well, there
are also rules against Middle
English ... " Gross completed
her comments by gesturing
wildly and walking away.
In acrualiry, Gross did at
tempt to enter the competition
last year under a pseudonymn
(Geoffery Recuahc), wearing a
fake beard. However, she was discovered when a scudenr recognized her
srylish heeled boots during the preliminary
stages of competition. "I didn't mean to dis
qualify her," said English Major and vampire
affidanado Allie Kerr ('08). "l just got so ex
cited! She looked really great as a man."
The contest's award for the winning rec
itation has varied from year to year, and is
usually not announced until the final cere-
1 mony. "Different contestants want different
things out of the competition," said admin
istrative assistant Meghan Cahn, che compe
tition's organizer. "People with kids enjoy a
cerrain sort of prize, and ochers ... well, let's
say someone chinks he shouldn't just be 'vis
iting' anymore."
The "Battle of !he Beards" poetry com
petilion will take place next Tuesday, April
8, on the 4'h floor of Miller.
Karen Gross, in her un
successful disguise
The Battle of the Beards will
feature English profs Lyell Asher,
Kurt Fosso, and Jerry Harp.
Democratic diehards find candles, kittens and GOP - by Bilbo Baggins // staff hobbit
During his years at Lewis & Clark Col
lege, Mace Savage '08 has appeared to be a
stalwart liberal with good -catholic morals.
He has worked with Oregon Speaker of the
House, Jeff Merkley, and has missionary
work io Latin America.
An anonymous informant for the Pioneer
Log has recently come across Savages secret
life. As a pagan republican cult leader.
Claire Rogers '(09) cold the Piolog of her
recem faUout with former friend Savage, "l
used to go to a bunch of his parties at his on
campus apartment until they started getting
a little creepy." Rogers described stumbling
around his apartment looking for the bath
room when she heard chanting coming from
behind a closed door, "I opened the door and
Matt and some other guys were all kneel
ing around this shrine with Dick Cheney's
picture on it. There were candles and in
cense and they were holding chis serrated
knife to the neck of a kitten." She conrinued
co explain her shock after Savage allegedly slammed the door in her face, "l don't even big school leaders are in it. I don't think I
think you're allowed co have kittens in the need co name a certain student body presi-
aparcments." dent who attends every meeting."
The anonymous soltrce also aletced the The cult has been accused of being respon-
Piolog that when Savage set his room on fire sible for the attempted abduction of a student
during his sophomore year, it was actually last semester for an intended virgin sacrifice
during a pagan ritual to resurrect controver- co Mississippi senator Trent Lott. They ;i.ve
sial South Carolina former governor Strom also been linked to an underground pro·s
Thurmond. "He was crying to burn a penta- tion link, soliciting, according co their web·
gram in his carpet co begin the ritual when site, "nice, white, conservative girls," offering
his curtains caught Bame and the building a special discount co right-wing government
------""'----------""-------'----- officials. "Pinko commies need
"They were holding this serrated
knife to the neck of a kitten." not apply."
Dean of Students W Houston
Dougharry commented that "the
cult, though seemingly dangerous,
is still a quote-unquote religious
organization, so we as an admin
istration can't exactly prohibit its -Claire Rogers (' 09)
had to be evacuated." Savage denies these
claims and says instead chat fire started due
to a freak accident while smoking pot.
One member of Savage's cult who would
also like to remain anonymous claimed chat
the organization is quite sizeable. "It's like
the KKK of pagan Republican cults. AU the practice on campus."
Dougharry continued, "As long as they
story the animal sacrifices, arson, and at
tempted kidnapping and rape, we have to
respect their contribution to the diversiry of
this campus." After his imerview with the Piolog, it was
revealed that Dougharry has been a member
of the cult since it's conception upon Savages
arrival to L&C.
For more information on meetings, contact
isoldmysoultothegop@lclark.ed11 .th_e_P_io_n_e_er_L_o_g_,_1u_1_y_I
11119,
11111_9_8_6 __________ ~ _________________ I_X_
LC Hippie was a total
jock in high school
Hippie kid Brad Gerbin caught acting preppily, in a
non-ironic fashion
by Albert Green II staff king
Recent Facebook photographs have re
vealed that popular Lewis and Clark rasra.far
ian, Brad "Coyote" Gerbin, has not always
been the freewheeling spirit that he seems to
be. The album, cicled "Friends 4ever", shows
Coyote as a preppy high school kid, drink
ing Mike's Hard Lemonade, playing video
games and, shockingly, wearing an Aero
poscale shirt, with the collar popped. "To
paz," a friend of his, expressed his shock. "Ir
really threw my chi otf cenrer. Like, harshed
my mellow, you know? Coyote is my guru.
He's the chillest chiller our there. I love chill
ing with liirn. Bue chose pictures weren't
chill with me".
Often seen as an opporruniry to rein
vent oneself after high school, College is
the perfect chance for scudenrs co undo cl1e
superficial image they had adopted in high
school and co fabricate an entirely new fa
yade. Associate Professor of Counseling
Psychology Peter Morrola chimed in on this
common practice. "Ultimately, there are
lots of factors that determine the desire for
students to adopt a certain image. The need
to express their inner iodividualiry through
outward appearance is one. Bur che larg
est motive for male srudencs would have co
be che chicks. In high school, biddies love
clean-cur cheesy dudes but in college they're
looking for a little more danger. The illusion I
of intelligence is key." In chis new environ
ment, body odor replaces Axe spray as the
faramone du jour, and Sering Cheese Inci
dent supplants Linkm Park. But, as in the
case of Coyote, when identities collide, the
results can be catastrnphic. 1n the wake of
the album's appearance, which Gerbin was
slow co unrag due to a staph infection chat
left him bedridden for several days, his cen
tral role as "wisdomkeeper" at this month's
celebration of rhe full moon was revoked.
"We're all about acceptance, peace, love and,
you know, acceptance," one of his friends,
who prefers ro go by Allegra, said. "But we
fucking bate squares." Duuuuude ... Swing a dick!
by Ishmael // staff sailor
If you're an alienated or sexually frus
trated Lewis & Clark student and wane co
hang wirh people just like you, look no fur
ther than LC's mAn Center. This new, up
and-coming club has created quite a buzz for
itself in such a shorr time, even though it has
been riddled with controversy and mystery.
"My friends and T jusr wanted somewhere
we could go and share our views abour life
without being persecuted," said the center's If you badn'r noticed, there's something
a little odd about the center's name. "Yeah,
we know it's grammatically incorrect," said a
member of the mAn's Center. "We thought
char it was important co have a phallic title.
Sure the 'm' makes it look like the word has -three balls, but so be it. That's just more man
ro go arou~d," said Mack.
The bulletin board outside rhe mAn's
Center is quite possibly the highlight of the
group. Ir's impossible not to notice rhe enor
mous poster featuring various popular porn
founder, Mikey "Tri
ple Kegger" Mack III
('09). "~e welcome
all students ac LC ro
stop by and chill ouc.
Ir's like a parry every
day!" "Sure the 'm' makes it look like the
word has three balls, but so be it. That's
just more man to go around.""
The mAn's Center
offers many different activities for patrons
and students to enjoy almost every week.
"We have a weekly movie viewing in our of
fice," said Webber. "We're warch}ng a Cap
tain Power and the Soldiers of the Future Rick
this week. Next week, I'm thinking either
Bloodsport or Commando. You know, clas
sics."
Hey you!
Explore &
discover
THIS
PHOTOS BY BEYONCE
Don't worry. If you close
you,· eyes, Michael Ford
can't see you running
away.from him half
naked in the Manor
House. stars' breasts. "I don't see what the problem
is," said Mack. ''l mean, there's big pairs and
small pairs. We're nor being exclusive or any
thing."
The mAn's Center's members meet nearly
everyeveningjust to chill, drink Miller High
Life, play Gamecube, scan ESPN and com
pare dick sizes.
by Gilbert Osmond II sneaky prick
Lewis & Clark is full of places for young
lovers co find ouc what college is all about.
The following locations are prime places for
the young and advenmrous to "Explore and
Discover".
0669-Elevators. What else would they be
used for besides "pushing burrons"? It's rime
co rake your significant other on the ultimate
vertical adventure.
0671-Do you see chat hole in the cen
ter of rhe table? Fill it! Preferably chis sec
tion would be prime for multiple lovers bur,
if chis is not your sryle, a variety of pillows
would also do.
0678-The Chapel. How many rimes
have you screamed for God with your lov
er without a response? Well now, worry no
more. God will hear you, and he will like ic.
0687-If you haven't had sex in KLC then
you might not be breaching, or you're nor a
hipster. Eicher way, the code is 0369. Do ir.
0705-The Stacks. Check out a book and
check out your lover's@$$. lc's risky, bur isn't
all sex risky? Playing with Yourself the Mystical Log, Super Bowl Sunday, J 995
• Pios adopt ball of fuzz as new, lllore appropriate IT1ascot
by Albert Belle
Afrer rounds and rounds of fo
cus groups, panel discussions and
talking to Ryan Chapman, the
Lewis & Clark athletic adminis
tration has decided to adopt a new
graphic identity. This identity will
center on a new logo: a small ball
of fuzz.
The new logo comes just one
year after a change to the inter
locking black and ornnge LC. The
change was a more energetic aggres
sive logo linked together by a white
ampersand. But an athJeric pro
gram mired in mediocrity wanced
more. Like an additional logo that
has nothing co do with the school
or the name Pioneers.
The athletic adminisrrarion
brought in world renowned graph
ic designer Todd Radom to create the new logo. Radom has designed
numerous Super Bowl logos as well
as team identities. The first round
of ideas produced a fierce frontiers
man holding an axe.
The logo epitomized a Pioneer.
Bur the logo was deemed coo cool
looking co be on athletic apparel.
fn particular, the administration
didn't want co put the logo on the
helmets of the football ream.
"1l1e football team hasn't won a
game since 2003," said Athletic Di
rector Clark Yeager. "So, you know.
We needed co come up with some
thing more to that level of badness.
So we sac down with Todd and
some football players and said:
'Hey what defines you as a
team?' A lot of the guys said well
we are pretty undersized and lack
some basic fundamental football skills, but we look good and we
are pretty badass. Naturally, from
that we came up with a small ball
of fuzz."
The men's basketball team also
seemed co like the new ball of fuzz
look. "I mean balls of fuzz get
around, just like us," said one play
er. Another agreed, "Balls of fuzz
sometimes end up on rhe inside
of the dresses of platinum blonde
white girls with fake tans. So we
can relate."
But not all athletes were hap
py with the new look. "I have al
lergies," said one women's tennis
player.
The new logo is expected co go
imo effect this fall, with a grand
unveiling taking place in a dusry
corner in the basement of Pamp
lin.
Sports cliques gather at non
fun, heinously awkward party
by Ted Danza
In what can only be described
as a bevy of empry conversation,
poor eye contact and grouping in
corners, Lewis & Clark's sports
reams gathered this past weekend
in a fruitless effort co transcend the
teams' infamous exclusivity.
Representatives from both var
sity and club sports alike attended the parry, which lasted roughly 25
minutes -with all involved parties
insisting char "we should do this
again sometime."
The parry, which not only saw
rhe segregation of all Lewis &
Clark teams, but also varsity and
non-varsity athletes, was defined
by one uncomfortable moment
after another. The enrire crowd
In hindsight, the music choice (above) was a poor decision. had centered around the lone beer
pong cable, but that activity ended
uneasily and with high tension af
ter the participating football play
ers were unable to win a game.
Towards rbe end of rhe parry,
basketball scar Mark Robinowit'L
('08) shared his post graduation
plans with Jordan Smiley ('08), but
after the rwo had said their good
byes, they awkwardly walked in rhe
same direction cowards the exit,
prompting both men to check the
rime on their cell phones.
The only common ground
found among the athletes was
laughing ar the crew team, which
every circle agreed upon were way
roo cliquey a group.
Student accivices, which hosted
the party, had anticipated a much
less disasrrous outcome from the
parry: "l don't know where we
went wrong," reflected parry host
and LC fanatic Shane Rivera ('09),
"we had parry streamers and name
tags." Rivera promised the next
parry will feature better music,
prettier colors and less moments of
uninterrupted silence.
The parry ended when kicker
Andrew Foore (' 10), suggested the
parry move to Tryon, which every
team used as an opporruniry to go
back co their own respective house
holds. LC will be the first school to have a ball of fuzz for a mascot.
JP Morgan bails out
f~iling LC Athletics
by Lyndon LaRouche
In a shocking announcement
from Clark Yeager, Lewis & Clark's
Director of Physical Education &
Athletics, JP Morgan has agreed
ro bail out LC's failing athletic de
partment. The move, which comes
on rhe heels of a recession of ath
letically talented individuals at LC,
has sent shockwaves throughout
the Division Ill Northwest Con
ference.
The bailout likely marks che be
ginning of a new chapter of poor
financial decisions from Lewis &
Clark officials, the costs of which
will undoubtedly be borne on sru
denc tuition. Alumni conrriburions co LC
Arhlerics have fallen from nearly
$60 per contributing person co
-$10, as many former LC sru
dents are demanding some of their
money back. Some experts had
long anticipated the fallout, not
ing the lack of 'winning' -a term
commonly ascribed co teams that
are successful -on the pan of just
about every LC sport.
Many current srudents, how
ever, feel betrayed by rhe move,
which will require "JP Morgan: In
novative Strategic Solutions" co be
embroidered on all jerseys and hel
mets. Additionally, any player that
fails to have a remarkable season
in their respective spore will not
... any player that fails to have a remarkable
season in their respective sport will not receive
complimentary retirement plan services.
The surprise, last-ditch rescue
effort, announced just after another
miserable performance from men's
golf, is the latest troubling sign of
LC's persistent effort to salvage
their dwindling athletic depart
ment. "We regret co resort to such
dramatic measures," said Yeager,
"but we were on the verge of liq
uidating every team bur Women's
lacrosse." receive complimentary retirement
plan services.
The athletic department, which
perhaps spreads their budget roo
thin with 13 different varsity
sports, is also going to consider
cutting high-price programs such
as baseball and football, and re
placing chem with low-cost, family
friendly spores such as badminton
and Candyland. 2
-ii•iiidt•f•i _L. ________________ _.X ... _I_ ,uth!.\iei.JM~e~lt~ed~L~o~g,_, A~p,:,,:ri.i.l .:.1~51,_l,:.9~1~--------- ________ .
A Message From The L&C
mAn's Center You: Got a pretty face.
Me: Going to change that
with my big ass crowbar. You: Holding the soap.
Me: Wishing you would drop it so I
can rape you then bear you then make
you my bitch for the next 3 years. This Saturday, the rnAn's Center is sh?wing the
documentary Captain Power And The Soldiers Of 'If:e
Future: Raid On Volcama.
Group leader Mr. Show-Fax is
hoping chat the film will raise
awareness of the importance
of America's future space
soldiers. "These men are the
worlds lase hope in America's
conflict with Volcania. We
need to lee chem know chat
earth women still wanr to
be impregnated with their
children even though they
have been exposed to Volcania's
poisonous gasses," said Show
fax. The documentary will
be shown chis Friday at 7:00
p.m. in Council Chamber. No
women will be admitted. You: .---------------------------, You: Mr.
Gonna
gee cut.
Me:
Holdin'
che shiv. 'J}eu Cau3'~t 6o1.!J. ~.!J.e, <Pbn~ !
'c'i);/1 '{?~,!j.Sical~ ;}eurt 'J}eu Free Hugs.
Me: I voted
for you.
Email YCMEAIWPHY at piolog@lclark.edu
You: Boy with shaggy hair and a
small beard that wears right-ish
pants and that smokes American
Spirits.
Us: LC Football team ... beware. You: Cut in the sandwich line at
the Bon.
Me: WiJJ cut you to the bone
and then put a sand'\ii,lch in
your wound_ You:· Guy who spilled glitter in
Pamplin.
Me: Not telling anyone.
Brandon Roy•s Ar1
Show Slam--tastic Attacks Basketdogg
,'ll,'a,,,,: Her;, that
hoald totally be
oar -/'a.c.e on th,'.s
o dollar l>,'/1. Paintings by the Portland's
own Brandon Roy will be
exhibited at the Hoffman
Gallery chis week. Before his
love of basketball developed,
Roy spent most of his time
in the. studio. Here are a few
of his more famous works.
Expect more masterpieces all
week in Hoffman.
Her,-wether: w,'/1
~ jood Mu.17 1
I a,,,, ;n -/'all
~reeMent. I ...
j;Jt4d, that ;.s
~ -l'a.c.e o~ that
f>,'IIJ Oh IM .So
excded I C.oald
·asC l,'ve --/'oreVer.
NI)
li "116'S'S\1'l ..,~ ..... w,'/l,'a,,,,: S(KE
Mer;r'l:41#0f'_I _I.'
11,Pr,'/ rool .s .' I
·a.st tqped that
?,'c.tare ol'you
you 3c¥e Me ,'n
hjh .school to ~
Money. Mer,'wether: I'M
.So Mu.d I don't
know what I'/>1
3="n:3 to do ,'n the
;t;' na/ ed,'t,'on of' i{,~i~\ * the P:oneer l°3···
I ~¼~\<~s. _ ____:;•, ____ .....1..-____ _