Title
The Pioneer Log: Lewis & Clark College's Student-Run Newspaper
Description
Volume 71, Number 20 [Number 21 - Mossy Log]
Subject
Lewis & Clark College Student Newspaper
Creator
Pioneer Log Staff
Date
2007-04-01
Format
pdf
Type
newspaper
Rights
For questions about rights statements, or access to the original document please contact Lewis & Clark College Special Collections and Archives http://specialcollections.lclark.edu
http://rightsstatements.org/vocab/InC/1.0/
http://rightsstatements.org/vocab/InC/1.0/
Full Text
-I]
I Volume 71. Number 20 Domingo. 1 de Abril. 2007 This Is a real paper NOTIII
Master of Arts
in Education
► Admi nistralion
and Supervision
► Currirufum
and Instruction
► Compute, Education
► ~!ish asa Second Language
► Early Childhood
Education
► Elementary
Teacher EdtKatioo
► Secondarr.
Teacher@ocati-00 J.
J. Like Pink Spandex.
Hunter is just a mock-up ... not the real thing. 7 SSom
Caitlin McCarthy is planning an Easter Egg Hunt and wants
YOU to come and take part1111111111 s 0,.,
lei] Updated:Th!! Piolog is amazing. These are the peeps you have to thank.
S 12pm
Gran·t Sawahsawr
Danial Maia
r;D Stephanie Beechem wrote on your wait. 7 s P"l
God. Soon it will be just you and me. You and me.
See Wall-to-Wall
Sanne Stientstra le~ the group I Am Not A Hispter 10 8pm
-£, Gran't Hentges added •Jizard" to his favorite books. o.OSpm
~ Hunter Franks went from being •1n a relationship" to ·single". 3 35am
~ Gran·t Hentges went from ·single" to "desperat@•. 3 35am
From
Daniel Cochran joined the group Your Mom will show her titti
if this group reaches 10,000. ' S, .., Requests
[!] 3 event lnllit.:itions
My Status edlt
Mos.sv The Mossy Log is
~og so hot right now.
Updated Wednesday
Annu
Basketball g
And Florid
the NCAA 1
Upcoming Events
Easter Egt; Hunt see all
·btc we·re the best moms everl•
Kelly Kay & Caitlin McCarthy
Part) S Jmb,., Par 1
LAWN BY THE
REFLECTING POOL
Sunday. April B from
2:00 pm lo 3:00 pm
Birthdays
Yesterday
Pro~ P~illlps
The Next Step see all
see a.II
Use Facebook Mobile to look
up info from your phone. Send
and receive Facebook
901
New height limit disqualifies
Finke from Presidency Ligget found to be puppet for Wiebe cuts the cheese Student government
ruled worhtless Sam's Club during concession speech _d_o __ s __________________ M,IMBf ___________ ...;e.;.I P.;.i;,;,o.;.ne.;.e.;.i-.;.L;,.;o,.liig;;., .;.l .;.de.;..;.;A;,;,b;,.;riJ;;,:,.;.2.;.00;;.;.7
I ' ''F D '' ''F H '' i: RA Ri ts ree rugs not ree ugs ror -==---=-vera
by Robert Downey Jr. II recovering cokehead
ic in his police deposition, he
prised co flnd copious amounts discriburcd free drugs co all of
of barbiruraces and orher illicit bjs residents jo hopes chac chey
drugs throughout Rivera's resi-would hang out with him. Accordi.ng to Portland Police
repons, Residcnr Assistant Shane
Rivera ('09). known for the "Free
Hugs" sign he ofter, ,vcars :;iround
his neck. was dismissed of his du
dcs as an RA rhis week due to a
massive "Free Drugs" campaign
he operated out of his dorm room
in Srcw3rr.
Sremming from la.Sr week's
Piolog story tided, "Resident As
sistants do more than ju.st wrire
you up," Rivera, an RA in Scew
:irt, talked wirh us about bow
he had never issued a write-up.
Although chis may not be very
shocking for an RA from Stewan
-Lewis & Clark's substance-free
dorm -Rivera. also looks over
Odell and Akin when he's on
ducy.
Upon reading rhissrory. Direc
tor of Rcsidc:-nc.ial Services Sandi
Botrcmill« decided ,o open an
invesrigarion into Rivera's tenure
as an RA while he was away on
Spring Break and rry and g« ro
rbc borrom of his lack of policy
eo forcernent.
"Upon searching his room;•
s-aid. Borcemille,) "we were sur-dc:nce." "'I never did drugs before,"
K11own oo campus for his says an al'1onymous fir-sc-year res
smiles and "Free Hugs~ sign, stu-idcnr of Srcwarc~ .. parrly because
dC"nrs often misrook River:1 for J didn't have che money 10 buy
simply a happy-go-lucky, bright- them. Shane flxcd all chat be
cycd, opcimis:cic srudem instead cause he just hooked us up for
of the drug-pushing ltingpin he free. Free drugs are way better
is. chan free hugs."
"I know 1har dude," said Chief ~ Although Rivera declined
Jusrice Sreve Sommer. "I 31\vays co commcnr, the subre.xr of his
though, Shane was simply high quote i,1 last week's arriclc speaks
on life, bur who knows these days. volumes now char chis scandal
Oftentimes the studenrs wi,h rhc has been exposed.
bigges1 problems- seem to have it "The. perks are nice," said R.i
all roger her on rhe O\ltSide. It's vcra. "But cha e's nor a reason h)
sad. I hope he flnds help." become an RA. You shouldn'r do
According co an internal Resi• it for rhe perks ... do it because
dcocc Ufc memo, Rivera's room ir's a great e~perience.''
was "l'llore of a pharmacy chan Unfonunacely for Rivera, the
a Health Cenrer,"' ,\lith prescrip- "perks" and c.hc "experience·• are
rion pill hordes from numerous a tbing of che past.
difTcrent sources- many believed The only cxpcrieace be has co
ro be stolen. look forward to now is a he3r-
The memo a.Jso revealed tbat jug with a MuJrnomah Coumy
Rivera dimibured free drugs Judge, who has already promised
throughout Stewart and rhe chnc his penance will reach far
whole SOA complex. Trying co and beyond a few free hugs and
be "the cool RA," as Rivera called handshakes. Crazy Hippie Rando and Shane Rivera ('09) and smiling ...
and now you know why.
President kicks it up a notch, joins football team
by John Madden II worst commentator ever
Alrhough LC's foothill rerun has
had a rough few yea,., things are fi.
nally beginning 10 look up for the
struggling Pioneers. ln an astound-
ing display of support, P«-sidenr
Hochstettkr has joined the bdca
guered ream.
.. Remember whe:n I s:,id ch;n
I was commiucd ro doing what•
ever i.s necessary to rejuvenate the
program and to return it to the
competitive position within the
Norch,"'e$r Conference thar it once
enjoyed?" Hochnenler asked in
Monday's press conference, rhe fim
ever sports prcs.s conference held on
LC's campus. "WeU, I meant it."
"B;15ic:dly, the football team just
did nor have enough warm bodies
to put on the field,"' Hochsren.ler
said, alluding co rhc cancelled sea
son. "And it has proven co be rather
d.ifficuJt ro recruit new members
10 the rerun. I S:)\V only one option
available co me."
LC's footbaU program, embac
tlc:d for many yt,us, finally hie rhe
breaking point nvo seasons a.go.
. . . ' . The Pioneers• rosccr stood at about
30 playc,., while rhc ream had to
compece against re:.1.ms with be
tween 80 and 120 play-
ers. Some of the
players bad co play
both offense and
defense jusr co fin
ish a gal'ne.
Although d1c ros-
rer grew enough to complete a full
season, the team has been plagued
by low morale and even lower
scores.
President Hochsreuler hopes 10
cbangc aH char this season ... Over•
aU. I'm more sanguine than ever
about our cbanccs of playing a full
and con1peticive season in 2007
and in every year rhereafret, ... said
Preside:nr Hochsten1er. "I mean, I
was sanguine before. but now I'm
even more sanguine. I guess you
could say J'm super-sanguine now."
"'7 he Prcsidenr was rigbt, it has
been hard ro find new players," said
Director of Arhktics Clark Yea
ger. "We arc a Division-lll school, which means we can't grant
sporrs scholarships to prospective
scuden,s. Frankly, ir's been h"rd to
recruit players 10 a ceam that hasn't
won a game in-shcrsh, J don't
know, how long has it b(,.-cn? There
;use isn't a lot of ioccnlive lhere."
The President's overall reception
has been positive. ''lr's really cool 10
have hjm on the team," said Dirk
Hurlbutt, one of Hochstettler's
.new te.amma,es ... \'<le knew the
President supporred us before, I
mean, he came ro all our games and
all. Bur we had no idea rhe depth of
his dcvotio11."
Another player who asked co re
main anonymous specula1ed abour
rhe furure of rhe tradirional post•
game football parties. "Ir could get
really awkward if be just showed
up, you know?" the pl•yer said.
"Especially if he brings his wife
and kids. Bur I still wan; him
co fed like pare of the ream.
I mean, he would be wel
come and all."
Despire never hav
ing played collegiare
spores, the Prcsidcm is optim.isric Ms upcoming perfor ..
ma.nee. "I've been training." he said.
proudly. "Also, Coach let me have
jersey number 69 for good luck. Ir's
the year I graduated from Ea.rlham
College. Those were the days!"
The NCAA has been contacted
with this 1)<:\V information, but has
not been compelled ,o forbid 1he
Prc.sidcm from playing. "While we
usually frown upon this sort of a
thing, we jusr foel really sorry for
you guys," soid ru1 NCAA official.
"He (the Prcsidenr] jusr needs ro
makc sure he rakes a class to en•
sure his srarus as a srudcm .. achlcte~
Oh, ,rnd he can't play for more d1an
four seasons."
Alrhough i( is nor yet decided
what posirion chc Prcsidenr will
ulrimardy rake on rhe field. Head
Coach Ch.ris Sulagcs has a few
ideas.
"His narura.l leadership abili
ties would make him a good can•
didate for Quarterback," Sulagc.s
said. '"But we could also use him as
a Linelx,cker. He runs fun for a guy
his age. Rcgardle.ss, j,csr having him
out there will help our ceam GPA." el Pioneer Log, I de Abril, 2007 Noticias
New Eisinger article challenges in
tegrity of faculty members
by lnsideHigherEd.com // the definitive education news source
Political Science Depamnenr
Chair Robert£1singer recently pub
lishc..-d an article, ''Sharing Ambiva
lence Rerums,'" much ro d1e cha
grin of many fuculty members. The
article, which did nor specify actual
names, detailed Eisinger's inccrac.
cions with rhe seemingly unethical
conduct of mar,y professors. breached die expecracion of priV3cy Professor Todd Lochner, ~ long
I h:1ve \'/hen discussing my illeg::il ourspoken critic of Eisinger, s:1ys he
and moraJly rcprchcnsiblt: acrions," may 61c a civil suit ... My wife read
said one professor who chose to re-the article Md lefr me shonly after
main anonymous. w,uds. buc EisingcrS claims were
Preside1lt Tol'n Hochsrcrdcr has toral horseshic -my prostilU(es are
aJso condemned Ejsingcr's article: 11or scami)y clad," Lochner said.
.. Ei.singer's concern for h..is fellow Hov,:cvcr, Professor Harry
fuculty member has really crossed Schlee£ defended EL~inger: "Ever
the line, ,.hesc fucult)• members siuce Eisinger published ,har ,mi
camc co Eisinger seekh1g a mcmor. de, my busi11ess has criplcd. 1 can
------- finally compcrc wirh tb:lr One. suc.h excerpt from Eising
er's anicle reads, "A fellow depart•
men< colleague, we'll e1II
him Rod, has a really un
healthy infaw:uioo with
prostin.rres. Every mhcr "I was merely rrying to cha I-son of a bitch P0<.lobnik."
Eisinger was SQmewh;_;it
lenge my colleagues to stop Babbergasred by the fucul-
h 6 C l " ry's harsh response ... I nev- day I sec some scantily
clad woman witb an egceS OOti ng up e1ore C aSS. er claimed ,hat my srare-
gious amount of mrikeup
come into his office, and
arcer she leaves he comes
into my office and starts talking
abour how much he lov~ prosci
rures."
Tue article has been met with
many criticisms, with some profes
sors c.1lling for the rcnurc-d profes
sor ro ·resign from his post as l)e.
parrmcm Chair. "Profe5$or Eisinger
has made sweeping generali?.at.ions
abouc the conduct oF an entire gen
eration of faculry members and -Prof. Robert Eisinger mcncs were represenrarive
of all fucult)' members,"
Eisinger said, "in fucr I do
not believe that ro be the case ac all.
l was merely rrying ro challenge my
colleagues co srop shooting up be
fore class." and be bas indirectly cl,allcnged
chem co improve themselves as hu
man beings. ihis is nnacccprablc."
Anorher excerpt that has raised
considerable controversy re"lds,
"One of my good friends in the
economics department, we'll caU
him Harold, runs a merhamphcc
amine lab right out of his office. He
claims to be rhe second largest fuc
ulty dealer on campus." While Eisinger's fun,re with LC
is unccrrain, the professor has ex
pressed i0teresr in writing a follow
up arricle ro complete his trilogy,
che focus of which will be on t.he
allegedly unethical conducr of pre
schoolers during nap r.ime. tres
LC men start shaving
body hair to set trend
by Mr. Clean// ya dig?
In an unprecedented display of
male chauviu..ism. nearly :\II Lewis
& Clark male swderns have begun
shaving cheir legs and armpits in an
attCmpt ro inspire the female popl1-
ladon t0 do chc sam<.·.
Lewis & Clark, long renown for
its acceptance of alJ vie,vpoim$ and
lifr~tylcs, has now seemingly di
vcrgtd from dli.S repuracion~ "I'm
sorry, but I jus1 can'r srand hair in
certnin places, l don't care if ir is
narural, ir's wrong," said Matthias
J<uUowar, ('09), on odamanr pro•
ponenr of sll'looth skin and deso
late armpits.
Kullowarz began tbc move,ncnr
via Facebook, inviting all his rnale
friends and encouraging them m
invirc follow "bras." The group's de ..
scription reads: "For all ,he dudes
and brosefs ,nd surf riding duders
our there, a.re you sick of sra.ring :u
girls from a distance only \0 re.11i1.e
that that chick hMn't shaved since
'Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey?'"
Tue Womyn's Center, LC's stu·
dent-led group char aims to raise
awareness regarding sexism a11d
other female issues, rcleosed a brief
press .staccmenl in the form of a question: "Are you kidding me?'"
Kullowatt., who has al<io starred
such movemenrs as ,.\Y/c let you
vo1e and now you want to drive.?"
~rnd "How many times do l have
co say it: Exrra pickles orl my sand ..
wich." appears not ro be kidding
the Womyn's Center. "I believe it
was Jesus Ch rise who said t,;,.t oth
ers :as )'Ou wish ,o be rreated, so if
I shave myself ,hen it follows char
girls should do the same. Are these
broads going 10 srarc questioning
Jesus now roo?" added KuUowatt.
Jacob Bourne ('09), a fellow leg
shave.r, says., "I've bt-en shaving my
legs for years. I mcan, have ,hesc
girls even rried it before? le feels re~
ally good, I can pracrically ear off
my leg, and sometimes I do."
In addirion to KuUowati ~nd
Bourne, c.hc LC Mc.n's Swim ~eam
has been a large proponent of the
cause.
lhe Peer Review Autboriry has
not yet r.a.ken a s"Cancc on the issue,
suggesting char the movement's re
suk<i should be caken imo atcoum
first, adding that ifit were success.
ful it would l>e •;ir· and "prcrty
• sweet:~
Eisinger drops one millionth n~me
The Ice Man Cometh: 1 million names and still going ... by Bob Woodward II the washing/on post
One of Lewis &. Clo,k's mos,
outspoken and distinguished pro
fessors carved ye1 a11ochcr norch
in his already well-chiseled totem
pole this ,.,.eek: his one-millionth
,,ame drop. The fateful name, char
of Time magazine White House
com:spondent Ntike Alien, was
dropped while the Political Science
assistant professor lectured to .l,is
ro his Religion and Policies class
last Tuesday. "Robert has been
long regarded as One of Lewis &
Clark's greatest assels," said Presi
dent Thoinas Hocll$(cnler. "'fhis
~lchi.evemenr proves that, whether
puhlishiog conrrovenial reports on
his snidcnrs' personal lives, boast•
ing about his sal:.1ry or critidiing
the l'ionerr Log, he is and will coa
rinuc::: t:0 be one of rhc gr<.-at voices
of rhis institution."
"His incimalc knowlc:dge of so
many se1..·ming1y irrelcvanr 11:unes
i.s truly srunning, as is his capabil~
iry ro we:l\'e 1hem imo every con
ver$.11ion." said fellow Politic..,J
Science professor Todd Lochner. "Frankly, "I tl1ink he makes half of
them up.''
Eisinger broke m within a
thousand names of the one-rniJ ..
lion mark last Occcmbt'.r: and· stib-
~quemly mrncd up the:: pressure
in aJl of his pcrSonal i1ueracdons
chis semester in a bid to reach the
mi1cstone before the sU1nmcr~ col•
le;,gues and smdents reported. 1\f
ter exhausting most of the semi-
1mponant and obscure Ame.ric:m
poliridans, analysts. "'ralk show
hosts and journalists of the past
century, "The Iceman" was cvcnru
,;illy forced to resort to the n:.unes
of Medieval philosophers, dis,nnc
relarives and '80s sitcom charnccers
co reach che millennial mark.
"The lcxm.an had jusr 6n ishcd
talking about how cool ir was to 6"
•t the 1984 presidential dec1ion
campaign pa.rt)' when $01\l(!()ne
rricd to bring us b:.1ck on ropic,"
recolled Heywood Jablo1ti ('08).
ooe or Eisinger's smdcncs present
on Tuesda.)'. ''Eisjnger immtd.i::m,:: ..
I)' coumcr<.'d his p-0inr1 and rhe.n Started skunming them out like
Sammy Sosa-Michael Bloom
berg, Thad Cochraa. Warren
Mi1ofsky ... ofter a few mL~•ites
of it. l ju~r klnd of ghu.ed over
like everyone dse io dass."
Eisinger inrroduced Allen's
name ne.1r rhe end of the lcc
tu re, concluding .. So rhac's \.,.by
you should ncwc use splir in
finirivcs, Wcl1. I h:tve to tun,
I'm mcl..'ciog Mike Allen tonight
for dinner." When rhe Mossy log
con r~1cted Allen for his C(im
s-nem, he denied being in Por1-
l:and, and acmally clahoed nor
ro kaow Profe-.ssor gisinger ... J\,c
been in New Yo~k for rhc pas(
two weeks/' Allen said ... \Xlho is
this Eisinger c.haraccer anyway?"
"I'm proud to be honored
like rhb in the school newspa
per,"' Eisinger s:iid, "'But serious
ly, •carved another notch in th<."
tot.em pole'' What is this, grade
school? I mean, would Chris
Hedges, C. I~ Donnoly or C1rl
Dcrnsrdn ~:ver wri,e :tnyrhing
like that? I don'1 rhinkso." _c_u __ a_t_r_o ________________ iil•1•■•kf ____________ e_1_P_i_o.ne_e_r_L_o_g ... ,.1_d_e_A_b_r_il_, 2_0_0_7
Visitors-only parking structure to be built over existing lot
by Mike Hunt JI a funny guy
In a srrokc of good luck for non
scudems and non-staff. chc design for a
visirors-only parking structure h:ls been
approved for construction on the exisring
lot behind rhc tennis courts. The decision
came 1:'lst li1esday during an open forum
held by rhe T'ransponarion and Parking Committee. In order to Save paper, the
meering was not adverrised.
The new parkingsrrucmre was proposed
,o accommodare Lewis & Clark College's
many guesrs, which coosisr mostly of
participants in special evcnrs hosred by
rhc,: school on a11 almost daily basis. and
will not be avail:'.lble ,o swdents or srafl-:
The new structure will prevent visitors from using the Frank Manor lawn
as a substitute parking area. "Tbe school was getting a lor of
complainrs about parkiog spaces being
blocked off for special evems, about
drivers having nowhere to park," said Jeff
Browniog, the principal 3rc.hifCet of the
pro jeer. "I' was asked ro design a remedy
to chc problem." sajd Browning.
The proposed flve-level srructure will
bouse up ro 400 vehicles and incorporate
so.-callcd ''luxury-size·• parking spaces .
.. Not everyolle dri\'eS a cotnpacr, you
know,'' said Browning. •
Parking in the srrucrnre will be free,
and the building will fcarurc :.1 circular
.rorariog lounge 011 che rop level.
"The goal is co give visitors the same
kind of comfortable experience provided
ro srudems ,rnd fuculry;' s:.~id Bro,vnirlg.
"\V/,:. wane their arrival on campus co be as
easy and scrcss-frce as it is for chose who
come here every day.'' added 13,·owniJ\g.
While ,he entire lot will be closed
during construction, half of chc c,xisring
parking spaces will be reopened upon
completion of the s-trucrure. Due ro rhe
greater scarcicy of parking for srudenrs
and srnff. rhe cost of $Cmescer pcnnirs will
be increased from $165 ro $400 sraning
next year.
.,.\Y/e believe the new price to be reasonable in .light of the situation,"
s:1id the Trar1sponarion :,nd Parking
Commiucc in a press release. "'And co
make chc: rransition smootbcr, we settled
011 che l'Ound, easy.-ro-remember price of
$400."
The Commiuee released an email
notice yescerd:1y which gave a few
decails of rhe project. as wdl as ad\•icc
for commu ccrs dealing with tbc minor
interruption. Suggestions included
carpooling and rhe rarely-urilized practice
of"piggybacking." in which ''one vehicle
is c.1refully p•rked on t◊p of ano,her
using a system a ramps and pulleys. so
chat rbc..1• boch occupy chc: same space:·
The pamphlc1 further encour•ged
commuting students ro "just move on
campus, aJrcady."
Con$truction of the new parking
structure will begin in la.re 2007 wirh
a projccced dace of completion in early
2010.
In relared news, the fine for parking
in fire lanes wilJ be increase-cl from $40
to $ l30 for the first viola,ion upon
completion of rhe srrucrurc. Puking
creatively around or inside of fire lanes
will concinuc to bt consciously ignored.
Bon's proposal of Rusty Nail bar approved by Dougharty, ASLC
by Cassius Clay Sugar Ray I/ staff writer
lo tlie delight of LC upperclassmen, Bon
Appetir has announced char a fully-stocked
bar will be available during Ruscy Nail shows
as early as Spring 2007. With the Rusty
Nail's oew loc.1tlo11 in rhe Trail Roon\, the
CQi~s,rucrion of the bar will bean easy addition
for ,he Bon. Bon Appe,it enthusiastically
supports the decision, daimi.ng it wanes to
exchange irs i1ororicry on campus for a more
srudenr-friendly image.
"\Ve w,mt the students of l,.'\vis & Clark
College 10 know rhar ,ve coosider rheir wams
coo." Bon Appeiit employee Bill Masullo
said. "We know rhar college is ,he best time
of your lifo ... Lord knows I wish I had a bar
during my college days;' he added, witb a
chud<lc.
De.111 of Smdenrs Housron Dougharty
agrees wholly. citing srudcnr imcrcsr as the:
number one. fuctor in his apprOv.ll of the
propos.11. However, hcadmirs roso,ne iniriaJ
uneasiness about the idea ... My job is co look
aft<·r the well-being of ,he LC srudent body,
"he said. "Ar firsr, I wasn'rcxactlysure whel'C
this fell." Dougharcy added.
Afrer some hesitation, his ind<..--c.isivencss
led him to seek ~dvice from ASLC. "I ,•1em
back and forth on Lhis decision for over a
wcck." he said. After talking with ASLC
President Bobby McHugh, he agreed ro allow ASLC a general vore on the issue. "I
kne'\v the best thing co do 'Ya.$ ru,rn it over
ro the studcms- after all. I djd promise co
increase crnnsparcncy." McHugh ~id.
'lhe ASLC voted unanimously for the
proposal.
Th~ r<1Hative proposal cndudes a fenced
oif area of the Tr.iii Room, which will contain
a fully-stocked bar, bartender, and ,df-scrvc
American brews. The bar wHJ be opc.n during
Rusry N:iil shows, which will normally run
on wee.kendi;. Bon employees wiU check LC
srudcm ID cards at the gate. requiring junior
sra.ws or higher for emry. Flex points rnay be
used ar the discrcrion of rhe $'tudenc.
Though Dougharcy and ASLC
enthusi~,s1ic::1Uy suppol'r the ocw plan,
orhers srrnngly disapprove of the Bon's new
addition.
SOA Residence Director Jusrin Le:ik
claims rhat an on-campus bar wouJd
encourage unhealthy habits, and although
ID c,rds would be checked, he anticipates
a problem of false srudenc IDs. "With chis
kind of thing available on campu.s, freshman
and sophomore scudenrs woul~I soon be
forging lDs that show junior, or even senior
srams." he said. "'JcS jusr asking for unlawful
cousump,ion- :;md chat's 1101 wh3r LC's
about." LlUSTRATK>H BY EMlY 81.0CK I
•
_e_1 _Pi_o_ne_e_r_Lo_,,_o,_1_d_e_A_b_n_·1,_2_0_0_1 __________ ,'i·i·hh ________________ c_1_n_c_o_
Pacific Northwest cedes from U.S. and Canada
Tom Hochstettler chosen as Fuhrer for Life, Elliot )'oung as generalissimo
by Pussy Galore II staff writer
Oregon, \'(/ashington, and British Columbia have
ceded from the United $rares and Canada and have
chosen Portland as rbcir capital. FUhrcr Tom Hochrcnler
commented Oil their decision to c<.-de.
"'Fr.tilkly1 America was crampi1lg our sryle. \Ve want no
pan of the federal government and tbcir laws. \VJc wan r co
be free to su nbathc in the nude, and have gay and pluralistic
m:uri_ages. \Y/e wanr robe free co smoke and grow our own,
for medical purposes of course." Hochsccnlcr added that [Mexican Prcsidcnr) Calderon is hiding weapons of mass
destruction in :md around M:1rguira,1illc."
Not to be outdone, Governor Arnold Schwar1.enegger
prodai med himself C roppenf'uhrcrof the independent scatc
of California. He also announced :1 plan of Lebensuaum
for C:ilifornians wid, the invasion of Reno and Lu Vegas.
\"'<fhcn asked why h,· was iavading rhcsc clcics, he said,
.. C::tsh moves everything around, cre.1m, get the money,
dollar, dollar bills, y'all!"
When he learned of Schwartencggcr's plans, San
Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom responded by askjng if he suffered from glaucoma, or something
like rhac, and 1hen proceeded co 1ake a
huge bong hie.
Presiclcnr Bush's reaction was furious,
"Hochsrenler's :\Ction will not srn1,d!
I mean, what kind of message does
lhis send to our troops in Iraq. or the
u:rrorists? 1 mean, ceding so rhey c:rn MACRO Northern C1liforni:1 could join the new
nation of the Pacific Norchwcst. When
he was rebuffed, he consoled hirnsclt by
haviog sex with his depury chief of sraff. (A WEEKLY PIECE THAT FOCUSES
ON ELEPHANTS) Bm nor everyone is happy in rhe
nation of the Pacific Nonhwes1. Adam
Sanchez and his SOS guerillas have
raken ro rhc hills of Mt. ]·food. He rductanrly agreed ro
an interview with this reporter. smoke pot, that's ridkulous!" .President Bush then did a
line of coke. "Oh man, ,hat takes me back".
He conrinued by ::idding his plans for re.tali:uio1,, rhe
immediate invasion of Mexico. \Xlhen rcporrcrs pointed
ou, thar Mexico had nothing ro do with the Pacific
Northwest decision H> cede, he said, 14\V/e belief rh:u "Sure, the P:lcific Northwest is progressive;• :idded
Sancehz. Fuhrer Hochsrectler has legalized pot, gay
marriage, and partial-birth abortions. But is that really
enough? \'(le want 10 c.re.1re an anarchical socialisr state.
When .asked how a scatc based
on the competing principles ot
anatchyand socialism was possible,
he go, depressed.
Gaculry Advisor and
Generalissimo Elliot Young sensed
his distress and came ovt:r. "\\7hy
don't they understand our vision
for the revolmion?,'" Ad:un asked
with tears in his cyc.·s. ..I don't
know" rrofrssor Young said as he
pur his ::um around S:rnchez. ~,
just know." .. ll,cn they began to
spoon.
Back in Por1bnd1 chi~ reporrer
sar down and interviewed
Host<·tder's political advisor,
Revolutionary leaders are currently residing in the Portland's Mount
Hood. Truman scholar Dr. Roben
£isingcr, who is rhc smancsr
person in rhc world. "Polling
lus been very import:H'll 10 this
Templeton renovation? Psych!!!
by Mr. Bojangles // Spam Lite
L1ying on Campus Planner Michael Sesrric:~ desk is a
sh,,c, of norebook paper wich shredded edg,-. and a lone
message scrawled in purple 1w1gjc rn:irker. 11,e message holds
che original and mosr recenr plan for Templeton Srudent
Center; ir reads: PLAN FOR TEMPLETON: DRAW
PICTURES, WRITE BUDGETS, HOLD MEETINGS,
LEAVE 13UILDINGS AS 1$.
"We've never planned on remodeling ,he building. The
roof doesn'r leak. Burglars can'r break into rhe Ca.shiers
Office. ·rhe toilets Rush. Why change i1?" asked President
.. I ho nus Hochsrcrrler. "for over forry years, wc·w. engineered
'plans' ro placate studenrs. We ,hough, that evenrually <h<:j•
would ge, the message, bu, decades h,vc passed, and they
won'c lose hope."
The College, finallyexhausrcd wicb thcstudems' persi.srenr optimism and the seemingly endless planning. decided ,o
rev,-al the fu,;ade. "lfl could s:,y one ,hing co Lhe studems ot
Lewis & Clark, it would be 'Psych." said Hochstcnler.
"I was persona.Uy astounded that students hadn't 6gur<.'d
it out yet. The budget alone r<·v¢a.Js the joke," continued
Hochsreu ler.
Scstric cxpl;iined, "A full--sca.Jc rcnovarion would cost
roughly $30 miUion. We have scr aside $15,000 in an accoum
:lS 3, visible, but ulc:i,n:.ttely pretend budger. ·rhar mooey will
stay ch.ere unril we need it to renovarc dtc ladies' rescroom on
the: second floor of' the Manner HouS('."
However, the renovati01\ plan w:'.IS 001 completely :i joke.
"If sorneone was to donate millions of dollars, we would put
the plan co work/' said Scstric. •'ActualJy, once we rcali1..cd
thar studeni:s really believ-:d in die pl:m, we hoped that an
alumnus would suddenly do narc a huge d,unk of money and Faculty Advisor and Generalissimo Elliot Young
(above) is aiding the Northwestern revolution.
ad11Jinistration. I was miking co Sid Verba the 01her d::iy,
that's right, $id Verba, and he agreed. . o I survey<d rhe
new members of our scam-subsidized mtdical marijuana
program, and the results were shockfog. 39 perccn1
claimed ro h~we glaucoma. Another 27 perccnr just srarced
ro laugh hysterically and cat potato chips. As I was telling
Robert Axlerod, chat's right, Rohen Alexrod, I b:isidlr
haven\ found :1 damn rhing ...
One of chc more conrrovcrsial moves by Hostettler is
,he appointmonc of Todd Lochner as Chief Justice of rhe
Supreme Court ... , mea11, i1's depressi11g to lose a courc
case wh,n ,he judge looks like he's rcn years-old," said
Dick Cheney, who lost the new nation's first court case
when he orgued before chc court that ugly persons like
himself should also be allowed 10 sunbathe in the nude.
He consoled himself by shooting Chief Justice Lochner in
the foce.
save our ass.""
"Al.so. we briefly had hope after [former r,siden,]
Mooney memiont-0 somc mysccrious lucradvc in-..1cstmcms •
but those never panned ouL," rcRectcd Se.srric.
Unforrunatdy, rhe money never matcriali1M and rhc
administration grew wt-ary. "So, uh, .. J.K.'' laughed a
sheepish Hochste11 ler. • _s_e_1_s ___________________ §ffljiji,_.._ _________ e•l•P•io111n.e.e.r111L.o.;g.,,.1.d•e•A-br.i111l,.2.0_01
Lewinsky Scholarship for Oral Excellence
introduced; beat-boxer Shaw-Fox first recipient
by Dirk Oiggler // staff infection
Lcwis & Clark College's $ruden1 Finan
cial Services office has announced chis week
that nored alumna Monica Lewinsky ('95)
has donated a significant amount of money
bas been don.red ro ,he school for use in a
special scholarship.
Lewinsl-..-y came i1uo rhe money after her
wcalrhy grandmother, Mabel Lcwi□sky, died,
leaving behind ,he 14.6 million dollars char
Lewiosky donated in her honor.
uGr.t11dma Mabel \\'a$ a beautiful sing•
er," Lewinsky graciousl)' shared wilh the
Mossy log, "and she was alwa)"' so dedicat•
cd to servicing others. She's aJways b<..'tn my
role model; thar's why I wanred 10 give the
money to a good c-,use. Lcwis & Cbrk re
ally shaped who 1 am: if ir ,veren't for LC, I would11't have learned c.he skills that goc me
where I arn today ...
Lewinsky requested rhar the scholarship
be awarded annuaUy co one srudent in the
entering first year class who excels in ornl
skills. 1lic scholarship will poy for ~,e stu
dcnt'.s folJ tuition, i1lcludiogrt>om :md board.
·n,e scholarship will also cover books, srudy
abroad programs and off-campus housing.
"It's a real gifr," Glcndi Gaddis, Dire<:
cor ot LC's Student _Financial Services, s~1id.
"Monica's donation is so large th:u the schol•
arship will become a prescigious honor for
Lewis & Clark. Monica really exemplifies the
kind of service Lewis & Clark would like to
sec in ouI community, especially our alum•
ni."
1he Lcwinsky Scholarship for Oral Ex
cellence will have a special beginning ncxr
year as it will not only award an incomiog
freshman, but a member of every class of I he
2007-2008 academic year.
Nexr year's recipienr for the dass of2009
will be Morgan Shaw-Fox, member and
co-founder of LC's co-ed a cappella group
Momo and ,he Coop.
1·1'm really exd1ed! 1 never rhoughr I
could ger so fur and earn so much jusr by
purring my mouth ro good use," Shaw-Fox
said. "Oral skills run in the furnily; L've jusc
been doing whar my mama [aughr me."
Sl»w-Fox hails from Boulder. Colo., and
is studyi1lg rhearrc and music. His inrc:r•
escs also include bear-boxing. hook-ups and "coppin' a feel."
Scholarship re<:ipicnrs arc also asked 10
parricipate in ~•c lease one service project for
eoch year they are awarded rhe scholarship.
Projec,s can range &om local, Pordand
based projc-cts to national or global projects.
Lewinsky suggested ,hat r<Cipienrs should
try ro involve their oral skills and ,heir phi
lanrhropy.
''l love servicing people,•
Shaw-Fox commenced. "It's
one of the ,bings I do besr!
Ir really brings me a lot
of person,~ pleasure
co leave someone bec
rer off than before they
came across me."
With a smile on his foce
.and a song in his heart, Shaw ..
Fox pl:ins 10 embark
on a road uip from
Portland ro Boul
der after this scmes-
1er, helping people
along rhe way. know there arc kids that have no idea wb:u
oral skilJs are a1J about? l wanr tO sho,\1 thern
bow i1s done, yo1.1 know. I want 10 do so
much more cha1l much tllem."
Shaw-Fox reflce<ed that someday he'd like
to meet and ,hank Lewinsky. ''I just hope I
can live up to her reputation!"
"l really wane to
blow away the pov
erty gnp in Ameri
ca, and, 01\ my way
home this summer,
there arc a lot of
back-country plac
es 1 can smrt.." said Shaw-Fox (right) showcases his oral skills to a choir-
Shaw-Fox, "Did you mate. Above: Lewinsky poses for LC yearbook photo.
Economy promises to employ Philosophy majors
$
$ $ $
$ _.,.-.,.......,,,,__
1/"/ JIit, , •
I
$ by Wells Fargo II staff treasurer
J\ surprising report released by rhe De
partment of L1bor this week Ii sis philosophy
as the mos, profi1able major available ar the
undergr..ldu.:ne level.
Philo.sophy has bearen our business, med
icine and engineering as the highest-earning
group of gradmue..s in rhe country.
"It's quite i1\explicable," said Secrerary
of L1bor Elaine Chao. "Ir seems as though
,he economy has crcarcd a highly profitable
niche for experts in Platonic walism, Kirkeg
aard.fan existentialism, posr-hurnanism 311d,
strangely er1ough, Nieirche's musrachc.*
"'I'm s-rjll scracching my head abouc tbar
one," Chao added.
American corporations arc now looking
for highly motivated, )'Outhfol, energe1ic
individuals wit.h extcosive knowledge of the
works of a variery of philosophers on a wide r~\nge of ropics, from Sartre to Freud.
Larger corporac~ powc:rbouscs arc des
perate for graduates with a moderate under
Standi □g of some lesser-known philosophers
such as George ·fornbull, • founding F.uhcr
of the $co11ish Enlightenmenr.
"J didn)1 e\'en know there was a Scotti.sh
Enlightenment." said Microsof, CEO Sreve
BaJlmer. "But ic rums our it's esseniial l"O rhe
operation of\Xlindows."'
The Lewis & Clark Philosophy deparr
mcnr responded cmhusiascically ro the news
dm ,heir graduarcs could immediately ex
pect t0 bee.1mingsix-figuresaJaries.
.... That's so exciring!" exclaimed John .Frir-
1.man, Associate Professor of Philosophy. "l
gue.'\.t philosophy is no longer one genera don
from dying-we can gee a couple of genera
tions out of thls news."
"Studying philosophy is never easy, but
j1 has become a lot more palatable. There's-something m be said for not having ro con
rend with the souJ·crushing cerc.1jnty that
your chances of gening a job in the field arc
slim ro 001\e," Frinman added.
Former Arr H iStory major Drew Kelly
('09} expressed excitement ab.out rhc report:
"I used to only Ix-a Philosophy minor bur
once I heard the news I h:i.d t.O ina,ke the
leop." He paused rhoughrfully and contin
ued, "I didn't rhink any field could be more
lucradvc than Arr History. but it is all start
ing to make sense in the grand scheme of
d1i.ngs ... "'
Although ,his economic about-face has
left the philosophy srudcnrs overjoyed at the
prospect of acrual salaries. tbe economics de
panmcnt is snuggling co find a cause.
"Maybe Marx can expl•in it.• said Cliff
Bekar. chair of che depamnenr. •·1111 have ro
go back and read DIIS Kapital again. Damn." och O _________ e_1 _Pi_o_ne_e_r L_o_g_, _1 d_e_A_b_ri,.1,_2_00_1
The Police to play ~icky gnar-gnar
show in the Rusty Nail tomorrow Theatre dept
stops sucking
by Drahm A. Geeke II staff hot dog
by Sauna Jacuzzi II staff fluffer Lewis & Clark was shocked this wee.k at
an unprecedented bit of news-the cheacre
dcpanmcnr announced the pl.ay> ro be pro•
duced iJ1 chc 2007-2008 season. After their recent reunion ar rhe Gram
mys in February, tb< legendary rock trio The
Police have begun making plans for rhe.ir
m.·w fumre. beginning with a performance in
the Rusty Nail tomorrow nigh,. quickly changed rhe subject. fomrc success. Together.
..:I just don't wam Andy (Summers] and
Srewie [.Copeland] to like, feel bad cause I
had so much more success than them "I wam LO make :mothl;!r 'Roxanne; you
k.now?n Copdand sajd. ('I .. vant us [0 change
the world ag:un, Llke how we did with d1ac
song." .. Ir was really quite. astonishing. 1he
srra.ngest rhing," said an anonymous the:ure
major.• Beeny Uoycc, the rhearrc department
st.-crcrary) is alway,s so nice-and calm, and one
day she just climbed up on top of her ck-sk
and was ydl.ing and screaming -:tl'td, well.
rhrowing ~ canuum. She wrote her dem~1ds
in lipstick snarcbed from a passing student,
and said she would rage and rave untU rhc
theatre dcparnnc.nt .go, its ::i.cr cogcthcr and
srorted planning ahead." The Police say that they chose 10 'begio
rherr nC\v life rogcd1cr," as Scing pur it, on
Le,vis & Clark grounds because they be
lieve Ular the new direc.tio11 in which
rhey arc going would app<.':11 ro "lteady
kids like chose ac (LC].' according 10
dn1m111er Stewarr Copeland.
··y~h. since we a.re getting older., we
d1oughr rh;H rhis new rour should be
like a rebinh.~ Sting said. '"I mean, I'm
nor too old rhar I can', s1 ill look hot
in cut-off recs-and smff. bur everyone
rhar li~rens to us ls like 40 years old and
nor ,Im hor. We 6gurcd if we 1Vanted 10
get any worchwhiJe babes on this tour, we
nl-edM ro be mMe, wha.1 do you call it?
Oh, yeah, indic."
\XTben askc-d how their likely multi-mil
lion cfollar rock b:md whose career rngeth~
er spanned nearly a ,kctde could be truly
very "indic," guicari$t Andy Su 111mcrs said.
''\Veil, everyooc knows 'indie' doesn't mean
;i,,dependc.nr' ::mymore. Looi( ar d1e De
ccrnbrisrs, they arc sigocd ro Capitol! That's
so not indie/' after we broke
up, "You know what I like?" Sting interjected.
"11.ikc banana splits. Right! l m,,.n they are
so good.'
•Gordon!" Copeland shrieked. "You arc
always doing Lhar! Just making it about
you arid your needs. What if !wane a ba-
11ana spli1 coo? Because, yeah. they a.re
good."
"'Stcwie., you know J h:m.· ir when
you call me by my real name! Oaly
my mothtr can caU me Gotdon. I am
$ring lO you!" the suddenly very angry
and red-faced rock star cried.
71,c three men hugged again and
agrct-d thar they would get barm.ta splics
cogedu:r later.
•5o onyway, we arc really excited ro play
ac Lewis & Clark on Saturday.' Copeland
said. • J think it'll be real fun. You think we
could get high with some college girls bc
forch:.md or somethfog?,. he asked me.
After giving thc!m the nun1ber of my on
campus drug de;1lcr, I realized that I learned
a loc from Ulis interview.j learned rhac even
after nearly 20 years aparr. bands ran make Afrer years of lasr minute decisions. rht
dep:irunenc's ability to put together nexc
year's season so fur in ::td\•ance was asml)ish ..
ing. "Even 1ho1,gh we [,beam, professors]
had 10 mccr wirhom sleeping aU of Spring
Break. r►m glad we did it,~ said dcp3rtmem
chair S1ephen Weeks. "Nor because I chink
there was '1nyd1ing wroag with deciding
plays co produce last minute, bur because
Joyce is happier now," he said.
"Word.' Sting said. "We dou'c need to
be re-JJly ind.ic, we just need ro so1111d sorca
like ii. I figure we can just be a linlewhirl~
ier. use some beats we'll pay some college
kid ro make on :) computer, and learn ro
play some crazy insrmrnents thar no one has
heard of and then we'll sound just like, what's
tha, band? The Shingles?" After their interview, The Police-went to
the LC bookstore and bought jackets.
Sting didn't though. His biceps didn't fit. ir roged,er agaia. They just need a linlc di
rection, a lot of love and enough cash le.h
ove( from tbeircoke purchases to get some
banana splits. Scudems in Ule deparrmenr couldn't be
happier. "I've had every student in the de
partment come up to me and thank me
slncc ... che incidenr,"' s:1,id Becny ... J rhouglu
l'd be-en a bir childish. bur apparently ,he
students arc able to plan rhdr lives and rheir
involvement with activities and the thcarrc
for the firsr rime."
ihc office of alumni rel::ufons sent a giant
bouque, and a card ro Bceny, ch•nking her
for making it easier co let alumnj know wbac
their aim:, r'n3ctr is up rn.
know? Like, I don't care about all char money
and fame and s1uff. I jusc want co rock wirh
them again." 11,e Police will pu,y tom()"OW 11igh1
i1t the Rusty Nni/ with Grtg Karna anti 1}g
WMp, and 71,, \WmkJ. This will be berrer 1h1111
Sunburn. 8 p.m. FREE! Sring i, nho looking
far 1uw groupies far ,l,e uproming tour. Go to
myspace.comlstingsluu far mon info. About rh~,; star-ding news, Prcsidcm
Thomas Hochscenler said, ''This change is
ex.tremcly unprecedented. Jf we are lucky.
this is a sign that we-are about ro enter a sea
son offoorbaH wht:r~ the Pios win." Afie!r informing him chat he might be te•
forring 10 71tc Shins, Sting sneezed and then Afte, a cathartic cry and group hug. the
rrio S:'ll d6wn again to address their pl:rns for
Dannielynn paternity case to be solved by LC adoption
Resident director David Rosengard recendy a,tnounccd
his adoption of the la1e Anna Nicole Smich:1 daughter, Daa
niclynn. as th~ new Foresr mascot. Ahhough the ::idoprion
wiU officially be in Rosengard's name, the chUdcare duty will
be sprcad throughout che forest complexes.
ihe adopcioa app<-ars ro be a par1 of dtc school's anempt
10 l)reak away frorn cheschool's typical scereo type ofbeiug a
"hippie haven" and full of"m.'C huggers," and mo,•e closer to
the image of a more current epicenter of education rhar is hip
to pop culture. "Lc:.-wis·& CJarSc is often ~ociatcd with our
former studcuc Monica Lewinsky. \V/e wisb co move on from
rh:u, and become more cuning .. edge," explains Rosengard,
who rook a brea.k from his book, Pirru, St,11g, F,,. 8nhic;, ,o
speak with the Mossy u,g.
Dannielynn is ro live in rbe basement of Spruce. While
new beds wil.1 nor be purchased, lost laundry pU,-s will be
u1.iliud. Studencs and RAs arc to rake shif,s with childcare, by Susie Q If staff zeppelin
which will include diaper duty. reading sessions and hygiene.
'"Our hope is chat tbis wilJ encourage a new level of com1no
nity," Rosengard said.
LC's housing applicarion will now have a new section
with qoestions focused on the applicanrs' experience and ca•
pability with d,ildcarc.
[n response ro Ann:) Nicole's rcponed anempt rt) feed
Dannidynn less food in order for her to "bese¥.y." Bon Appe
rir will be replacing the Veggie + c~rr wirh food that is mor<:
child-friendly. New options will include applesauce, 6sb 6n
gecs and ams on• log. U>wer kiddie table.< will be introducx.-d
and bibs will be issued on every table in addition ro n:,pkins.
The Co-Op is prep•ring for the arrival by stocking up on
ho, chocolate. Co-Op shin duti<:$ wiU iodudc the cradicional
coffee shop duties, as well as «aching duties. "We ore hoping
to ger handwriting and counting books in soon ~o the Co
Op members c.,n gee f.uniliar with the materia.1 beforeha,,d," cxplaincd Frazier Lanier ('07). Jodi McLvcn ('09), rhe music
dircccQr of the Co-Op, also leaked information on chc pos•
sibiliry of getting Raffi to perform fpr Dannielyrut's bircbday
in Sepcemb¢r. "All l will say is thar we have been in commu
nicariont _McLaren said.
When asked to commeoron the idea of a communiry rais
ing a child, AngeUna Jolie expressed her enchusiru;m, "Many
children aJI over chc world are r~lised in community fumilic:s,"
she said. Jolie has expressed interest in arranging play dates
wirh Dannielynn and her daughter Shiloh. who is roughly
the same age.
Dt-spitc the general enrhusiasm, C,mpus Safety appears
hcsimnr. "We arc going robe dealing wich a lot of paparaui,
oor co !llention die possibility of any number of 'birth fa.
therl trying to ger on campus," said Timothy O,Dwyei:, Di
rector of Camp,s< Safory. "The fuct i.s, we arc going ro need
mores~ and a tighter security syStem in general." dl·ez ----------------------- .... -•l§•jej ■jffi ____________ e_J_P_io_n_e_c_r_L_o_g __ ._1 _d_e_A_b_ri_l,_2_0_0_1_
Tennis program to erect pornesque dome for fans
Tue 2006•07 men's and women's tennis
1eams are setting all ,,ew lows for ancndancc.
ro th¢ir matchl-'$. ·n,is low wrnouc, coupled
whh oew funds from the rising sale of Te--•
re.<a Kiomnec (' I OJ bobblchead <lolls, h:lS
prompted arhle,ic director Clark Yeager to
caU for the erccrion of a new pornt-sque ten
nis dome.
Fuzzy Balls strip club will feature
renowned local talent such as Sa
cagawea and Fairy Duster.
Fresh off a round of Jager bombs. Yt-ager
announced ac a Monday nighr pre~ confer•
ence th:t1 construction on ,he new pornesque
dome would begin dtis .summer. "'\'(le went
ahead and looked at rhe attendance for ten•
nis matches and discovered 1 h:1r nobody goes
ro c.hem,"' said Ye.ager. "1llis made us wonder
how we could attract more peop1e. Natural•
ly, pornesque came 10 mind. \'V/c need ro stay
ahead of rhe compelition and this amazing
dome will hdp."
The rnain attraction of the new pornesque
dome will be a sr;ue-of-tbe-,m 1,284 squ•rc
foot mip-club located in the sourheasr cor-by Michael "Squints" Palledorous I/ husband to Wendy Peffercom
ner of the dome. Applications for jobs ar ,he
srrip club, which will be •prl)' named Fuzzy
llalls, have come pouring in from :ill over
Ponland. "I \V"aS extremely cxciccd about rhe
opportunity 10 help u,e athletic program,"
said LC srudcnr Aubrey Fong ('08), one of
rhe applicams. "I gor cur frorn I he ream as a
freshman and have since rumed to Judaism
as a way «> help the ,earn. I pray for rhen,
cvcty nigh,." Now, says Fong, she wiU be able
to hdp the team by incre::i.sing attendance.
So fur, 438 people have applied for the 15
stripper SpotS.
In addirion to Fuuy BaUs, the do1ne will
feature an Op1oma HDS I projecror whid1
wiU constandy project cl:lSSiCS such as "Deb
bie Does Dallas'" onto the North wall of the dome. ·mis will allow for funs ro w:uch nor
only Lhe re,rnis malth raking place. bur the
epic filmography :1s well, thus doubling the
wholesome c.-menainmenr.
The :uhletic program hopes that d1c new
pornesque dome will make· a huge diffet
cnce in the Sl1cces.s of rbc ccnnis program. ''r
mean, ,._,ho could resist pornc.-squc dome?'J
rhctotically quesrioned Yeager at the press
conference ... Not mt-," exclaimed audfoncl·
member Evan Higgins {'08). "Not me."
lhe i'ne.mbers of cbt ream are excited as
well. "Now I can ge, free hugs from half-na
ked chicks," said Sl1:1ne Rivera ('09). "I've
been lobbying for ,his for four long years
said senior Liz Nguyen. To see ir fin:,lly cornc:
rruc will be,a dream come uue."
WJSTAATION BY JESSE JANE
A computer illustration of the new pornesque dome shows the giant new
screen that will display classic porn concurrent with tennis matches. 11,e Farley G,oup. which designed ,he
cennis domes ar che Tualacin Hills and Recre
ation District Tenuis Center, will begin worl.
on the pornesque dome in June of 2007. The
project will be done and ready for ,he 2009
mel\'$ and women's cen11is season.
The first feature held in the new
pornesque dome will be Debbie
Does Dallas for the men's matches,
followed by Pirates for the women's
matches.
New features of the dome
will include padded walls for
extra comfort. Bottles of Co
voursier will also be available
at the concession stand next
to Fuzzy Balls.
Football program cut in favor of new juggling team
by Alan "Yeah Yeah" McClennan I/ was really wasted when he wrote this
llie Piolog has learned ,hai the athletic
department will eliminate the football pro
gram in favor of crealing a varsity ;uggling
team. Arhleric Director Clark Yeag« said the
decision was a mugh one~ but that it was cimc
10 make juggling a legitimate sport. "Every
hody lo\•es juggling; who doesn't enjoy ro~
ing mulriple balls in the a.ir."
Despire Yeager's enthusiasm for chc new
progr-am, rhe move inluri:ued members of
the football ,cam. "We made so much ptog
res..~ this season," said center Kenuy K.,.stcr
('10). "I mew you can't just look at ,he
scoreboard. those games were much closer
than the 40~0 score indicates." The foor ..
ball team also pointed 10 ,he strong rccruir
ing they have been doing, which will surely
impro\'e I he squad. i.Last week I signed two
wide receivers from my basketball class," said
assiscanc coach l:10 Falconer. "Sure, they've
never played football before, but I think they
had 3 lot of potential." Falconer has now
11:1oved over to coaching the novice group on
the juggling team.
Athletic Direccor Clark Yeager under-stands char rhe football team is upser. but ,vork? 1t is much like dance b:utles (th.ink
he believes that rhis is ,he. rigbt dircccion for You Gor Served) where each ream tries t0
a,.hletics at LC. "We wanr ro be one of ,be one up each other. T11is can be done by us•
rop progcams in cl1c narion. Even if ,he foot-ing vatying types of objects, increasing ,he
ball ream gcrs a lot bertcr, ir would srill be number ofirems being juggled and th,ough
jusr a mediocre Division IJI program. Our degree of difficulty such a., adding llips and
juggling team is already rared #4 in ,he na-rwirls. ·we have a lot of people on the team
Lion." who have never juggled. so ,vc rry ro stick ro
While this ranking is rrue, Yeager fails to ·rhc fundamenrals," said Brown. "J wo\Jdu',
mencion that there arc actually only 5 var-wane anybody to gcr hurt." After rcrurnh1g
sil)' juggling teams in d1c US. Despite rhe home from his lare.« Lil Jon look alike con·
squads' early succes~ they have still been 1e,;r. running back Man Meachem respond-
out-shad6wed by conference rival cd r9 dte juggling ream's asscnions that
Puget Sound, who is ranked #2. ~ i, is a legitimare ,port. "'Ibey have
"1he juggling ,cam works harder _, a novice ream for p.:ople wlio have
chan any other sport on cam-~-,~ never juggled before, seriously
pus," said coprnin Lauren iCI how hard could ir be if people
Brown (' 10). "\Xie get up ac ~ with oo experience can make
5:00 a.m. <'3Ch morning rhe team. Everyone knows
and practice with cvrry...- juggli11g is a cult anyway.~•
rhing from golf balls co Meachem is referring
watermelons. It is a very ~ .. ;.,. llillS-.., ro the cultish nawre rhar
sncnuous spore."
So how do juggling
compet.itions actualJy The new juggling team will toss
special LC football balls to com
memorate the football program. is associated with jug
gling team memlxrs,
as they arc known ro <.-.at rogerher, throw exclusive panics and even
date each ocher. Browo responds that these
accus:uions arc endrely unfair. "lwe spend so
much tirne rog<.·ther and work so hard it is
inevitable I hat we wiU be.· a dose ream. "The
other sports are jusc jc::ilous ix-cause we gee
to go to Nationals and like acruaUy win.
They arc just haters." Meachem also poims
out the posirion of Cockring, which simply
yells at the rest of the «-am whac ro do, bu,
is somehow still consid<.'red an arh1cre. ·rhe
,cam's Cockring Danid Cochr,n declined
cornmcnc.
lllc club spon of men·~ soccer, which
had been waiting for years to become a v:1r
siry -$porr, was also furious with che decision.
"How could rhey choose juggling over soc ..
cer? Everyone loves soccer, it$· the world$
sport/' proclaimed ccam member Drew O1-
S:Cil. \'v'hcn ,nMctic dircccor Yeager was con
fronted abour this he responded quizzically,
uwe have a dub soccer team?"' Dcspirc rhc
controversy, che decision will st:1od. Lewis
& Clark has a juggling ,cam and apporently
they a.re berrer than everyone else. ,
I el Pioneer Log, I de Abril 2007 --·)A·i•i ■i4- 0 n ce
LeBronJames drops $10.8 million three-year NBA
contract to earn liberal arts degree at LC
by "Nuke" Laloosh II star pitcher and man whore
ln a stunning move, NBA Slar LcBron
James reneged on his S10.8 million 1.hrce
ycar conrracr with the Cleveland Cavaliers
in order co earn a degree Ln lnrernacional
A./fuirs at Lewis & Clark College. The first
pick in rhe 2003 draft, 2004 NBA Rookie of
rhe Year and c,;vo-rim~ NBA all-star has :.'IIS-O
agrc,-d ro play for rhe LC basketball ream.
James shocked the sports world when he
gave up the wealthy life of an NBA star ro
attend a small Division llJ college. He cair
rencJy nrns COilHUercials for Sprire ~nd Bub
blicious and holds a $95 million conrracc
wirh Nike shoes. C,irics have called this un
precedented move completely unexpected.
"'He must be crazy!" s:iid Len Ko,noroski.
President of the Cleveland Cavaliers. "He's
making bank!" When asked ro comment
on chis question.able career move, Jamc..--s just
said, "Mo' money, mo' problems."
Although James was unable ro enlighten
che public abom rhis odd decision. sources
dose ro rhe star shed lighr on his motivation.
A decent student in his Akron, Ohio, high
school, James never previously expressed an
inreresc in inrcrn:nional relations. Sources
dose ro che prodigy say char rece1lr issues
concerning global warming peaked his inrer•
csr. The: source said he saw "an Inconvenient
Trurh" and was reall)' sad about the polar
bears d)'ing."
Despite rhe rempomry loss to the profes
sional sporting world, LC will gain an in•
comparable advanragc in the NWC. James
has esc,blishcd himself in the NBA as a le
gitimate rriple•double threat, averaging
27.5 points 6.8 rebounds, and 6.0 assisrs
per game. Head basketball coach Bob Gail
lard is anxious to add the scar's ralcnr to lhe
2007 NWC Co-Championship team. Gail
lard described a new ga,ne plan th:,r wollld
include "gening the ball ro James as much
as possible."
Since James has become a Pioneer, his
hig.hwprofile Sf3{US will ;;mract a wider pool
of students. LC Presidc,u Thornas Hostettler
w.tS plc:a.s<..-d ro share che news with rhe com
munity. -:rhis is a step in the right direction,"'
he said in an cn1ail to cbc faculcyand smdenr body. "Now we wiU be able co anract more
young prof~ional achlcrcs who want ro
spend $16-0,000 oo a liberal :irts education."
James will have four ye.us of eligibility
since he bypassed the collegiate !eve.I for a
profossional cart-er. In fact, James had lost his
NCAA eligibility by participating in more
than one high school all-star game, bur due
to the circumsrances. NCAA presidenr Myl
es Brand was willing to make an exceprion.
In a special press con(;rcncc after che an ...
nouncernent, Brand said, "LcBron promised
me-a free pair of his Nike Zoorns-wbat was
I supposed to say!"
Deemed "The Chosen One" b)' Sports
lllustra«d in his junior year of high school,
Lebron James has been i.n the spotlight for
some time. Some speculate that all the atten
tion has become over,.vhelming and J:Hnes
is raking a break. "I chink rhe best place for
Lt.Bron to find h..is roors is at a prcdomi, ..
na.ndy white, upper-middle class liberal arts
college like Lewis & Clark," said his mother,
Gloria James, who raised James single-hand
edly as a teen mother in a low.income a,rea
of Akron. -
71,e pressure is piled on thick for rhe
young man who is supposed to follow in the
rradirion of Michad Jordan. Lellron James is
expected co perform miracles on the court on
a regular basis-for example, earning playoff
wins for the Cleveland Cavaliers. His god
like baskerb,11 prowess is ll0t entirely con
trived_. however. Te:irnm:He Eric Snow said,
"He's nor literal!)' Jesus, but I did see him
mm waccr to wine once at a party. 'lltough,
I was k;nd of hopped up on (cocaine) ar rhe
time ...
Narurally, rher~ are n13ny who are di.s
pk-ased by James' decision. Credired with
turning dtc Cavaliers franchise around when
he was drafted in 2003, he will be sorely
missed. llur LC Athletic Director Clark
Yt.i.ger hopes thar LeBron's a,rrlv:il will also
spark a turnaround for LC arhlecics. He s:1id_,
"Maybe if we have an imcrnarional super
sr:tr playing for us we: can get more people to
come to the ga.mes. Maybe."
DoN'T DONATE YoUR EGGS!
DONATE YOUR BREASTS!
CALL 1-800-555--BOOB FOR YOUR WARM, CARING AND
PROFESSIONAL CONSOLATION TODAY! • <
".
~
)\ ,--~-I
" d ___ o ___ c_e _____ """""_ ........... _...,. _______ .... , •• ,.ieii•J.j.j... el Pioneer Log. J de Abril, 2007
{You Did
You: ·nm girl who ears ,,Jone iu the Trail
Room ... a loc.
Mc; Noc about co change rhar.
You: Bland, unassunlinggirl who may have
a great person:tlity
Me: Frankly. noc intrigued
... wben you cold me you bad V.D. Not Catch My Eye}
A rant: Tirty slappi11g, loUipop Hcking marker
The only ching thar ex:;1cerbaros my ulcer fuce.
more rhan your sku1..zyt Abe Uilcoln-esque
beard. beady rar eyes. and whimsically dee-You: Tue Football Team
orated pajama pants is the way you eat-
like ~ co,v c:hewiag a. niouthful of its own Skiony gir-1 behind tht pole-
sweaty cud. lf the scales of justice were You did nor c2.1ch my eye.
really balanced, you would be bear nightly
on your kidneys with a giant gavel. . .. wbcn you bent me over in Monrucky .
Ten Die in Funny Write-up of the Week
lnformat:ion Report
Lewis & Clark College
Office of Residence Life
DATE OF EVENT:••• April 2007
TIME OF EVENT: 2:43 pm
LOCATION: Plan West Lounge
PEOPLE INVOLVED
Stephanie Beechem ••••••••••• ••••••••• •••••••••••••
NATURE OF INCIDENT: STATUS
student
snident
student -
student ID •••••••••
• ••••••••• • •••••••• • ••••••••• HALL/ROOM •••••••• •••••••••••• • ••••••• • ••••••••
RA••••••••• was returning from a class on Thursday afternoon when he was accosted by the dis
tinct smell of marijuana from the lounge in Lower Platt West. Out of courtesy. he knocked on the lounge
door and immediately heard the sound of breaking glass. One of the students in the louo~ was quoted as
saying. "Ooohhh. man, like did you see that bong break? Now if•s in like hella small pieces." After RA
■•••••••• announced to the room that he was an RA. several expletives could be heard from the stu
den1s. one of which was "fuck:· He briskly opened Ute door. exposing what appeared to be a drug sale of
approximately $4.000 worth of marijuana. cocaine and methamphetamines. It looked as though students
••••••••••••••••••••••••and••••••• ■••• were selling the illegal substances to
the buxom blonde Piologger ••••••••••• who was scratching uncontrollably at her open sores and
appeared to be obsessed w.ith cleaning the lounge. After RA••••••••• entered the room, the am
phetamine addict,••••••••••• revealed a pistol and began firing bullets wildly at the unarmed RA.
RA••••••••• retreated to his room to obtain his shotgun. When RA••••••••• returned to the
lounge, IO witnesses had gathered. attempting io calm the crazed drug dealers. RA••••••••• returned
the earlier gunshots, killing all 10 witnesses in the crossfire. The few living students could be heard scream
ing. •'Don't waste the drugs. Ingest! Ingest'" RA••••••••• continued firing. with no luck. until the
four students had consumed all of the remaining drugs. Two minutes later. RA•••••••••• ran out of
ammunition and returned to his room. Students••••••••••·••••••••••••••-•••••
and ••••••••••••• remained in the lounge for 18 hours until their drug high wore off. at which
point they decided 10 live "the clean life" and teach drug-awareness classes to minors.
The shootout in Platt West left 10 dead and four
completely high. WTTNESS(ES): •••••••••· deceased
••••••••••••.deceased
•••••••••••.deceased
••••••••••.deceased
••••••••••.deceased
••••••••••••.deceased
••••••••••.deceased
•••••••••••.deceased
•••••••••• deceased
•••••••••••• deceased
I have written this report with the facts as I know them
either as a participant or as a recorder of events.
RANAME: •••••••••••
I Volume 71. Number 20 Domingo. 1 de Abril. 2007 This Is a real paper NOTIII
Master of Arts
in Education
► Admi nistralion
and Supervision
► Currirufum
and Instruction
► Compute, Education
► ~!ish asa Second Language
► Early Childhood
Education
► Elementary
Teacher EdtKatioo
► Secondarr.
Teacher@ocati-00 J.
J. Like Pink Spandex.
Hunter is just a mock-up ... not the real thing. 7 SSom
Caitlin McCarthy is planning an Easter Egg Hunt and wants
YOU to come and take part1111111111 s 0,.,
lei] Updated:Th!! Piolog is amazing. These are the peeps you have to thank.
S 12pm
Gran·t Sawahsawr
Danial Maia
r;D Stephanie Beechem wrote on your wait. 7 s P"l
God. Soon it will be just you and me. You and me.
See Wall-to-Wall
Sanne Stientstra le~ the group I Am Not A Hispter 10 8pm
-£, Gran't Hentges added •Jizard" to his favorite books. o.OSpm
~ Hunter Franks went from being •1n a relationship" to ·single". 3 35am
~ Gran·t Hentges went from ·single" to "desperat@•. 3 35am
From
Daniel Cochran joined the group Your Mom will show her titti
if this group reaches 10,000. ' S, .., Requests
[!] 3 event lnllit.:itions
My Status edlt
Mos.sv The Mossy Log is
~og so hot right now.
Updated Wednesday
Annu
Basketball g
And Florid
the NCAA 1
Upcoming Events
Easter Egt; Hunt see all
·btc we·re the best moms everl•
Kelly Kay & Caitlin McCarthy
Part) S Jmb,., Par 1
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Sunday. April B from
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New height limit disqualifies
Finke from Presidency Ligget found to be puppet for Wiebe cuts the cheese Student government
ruled worhtless Sam's Club during concession speech _d_o __ s __________________ M,IMBf ___________ ...;e.;.I P.;.i;,;,o.;.ne.;.e.;.i-.;.L;,.;o,.liig;;., .;.l .;.de.;..;.;A;,;,b;,.;riJ;;,:,.;.2.;.00;;.;.7
I ' ''F D '' ''F H '' i: RA Ri ts ree rugs not ree ugs ror -==---=-vera
by Robert Downey Jr. II recovering cokehead
ic in his police deposition, he
prised co flnd copious amounts discriburcd free drugs co all of
of barbiruraces and orher illicit bjs residents jo hopes chac chey
drugs throughout Rivera's resi-would hang out with him. Accordi.ng to Portland Police
repons, Residcnr Assistant Shane
Rivera ('09). known for the "Free
Hugs" sign he ofter, ,vcars :;iround
his neck. was dismissed of his du
dcs as an RA rhis week due to a
massive "Free Drugs" campaign
he operated out of his dorm room
in Srcw3rr.
Sremming from la.Sr week's
Piolog story tided, "Resident As
sistants do more than ju.st wrire
you up," Rivera, an RA in Scew
:irt, talked wirh us about bow
he had never issued a write-up.
Although chis may not be very
shocking for an RA from Stewan
-Lewis & Clark's substance-free
dorm -Rivera. also looks over
Odell and Akin when he's on
ducy.
Upon reading rhissrory. Direc
tor of Rcsidc:-nc.ial Services Sandi
Botrcmill« decided ,o open an
invesrigarion into Rivera's tenure
as an RA while he was away on
Spring Break and rry and g« ro
rbc borrom of his lack of policy
eo forcernent.
"Upon searching his room;•
s-aid. Borcemille,) "we were sur-dc:nce." "'I never did drugs before,"
K11own oo campus for his says an al'1onymous fir-sc-year res
smiles and "Free Hugs~ sign, stu-idcnr of Srcwarc~ .. parrly because
dC"nrs often misrook River:1 for J didn't have che money 10 buy
simply a happy-go-lucky, bright- them. Shane flxcd all chat be
cycd, opcimis:cic srudem instead cause he just hooked us up for
of the drug-pushing ltingpin he free. Free drugs are way better
is. chan free hugs."
"I know 1har dude," said Chief ~ Although Rivera declined
Jusrice Sreve Sommer. "I 31\vays co commcnr, the subre.xr of his
though, Shane was simply high quote i,1 last week's arriclc speaks
on life, bur who knows these days. volumes now char chis scandal
Oftentimes the studenrs wi,h rhc has been exposed.
bigges1 problems- seem to have it "The. perks are nice," said R.i
all roger her on rhe O\ltSide. It's vcra. "But cha e's nor a reason h)
sad. I hope he flnds help." become an RA. You shouldn'r do
According co an internal Resi• it for rhe perks ... do it because
dcocc Ufc memo, Rivera's room ir's a great e~perience.''
was "l'llore of a pharmacy chan Unfonunacely for Rivera, the
a Health Cenrer,"' ,\lith prescrip- "perks" and c.hc "experience·• are
rion pill hordes from numerous a tbing of che past.
difTcrent sources- many believed The only cxpcrieace be has co
ro be stolen. look forward to now is a he3r-
The memo a.Jso revealed tbat jug with a MuJrnomah Coumy
Rivera dimibured free drugs Judge, who has already promised
throughout Stewart and rhe chnc his penance will reach far
whole SOA complex. Trying co and beyond a few free hugs and
be "the cool RA," as Rivera called handshakes. Crazy Hippie Rando and Shane Rivera ('09) and smiling ...
and now you know why.
President kicks it up a notch, joins football team
by John Madden II worst commentator ever
Alrhough LC's foothill rerun has
had a rough few yea,., things are fi.
nally beginning 10 look up for the
struggling Pioneers. ln an astound-
ing display of support, P«-sidenr
Hochstettkr has joined the bdca
guered ream.
.. Remember whe:n I s:,id ch;n
I was commiucd ro doing what•
ever i.s necessary to rejuvenate the
program and to return it to the
competitive position within the
Norch,"'e$r Conference thar it once
enjoyed?" Hochnenler asked in
Monday's press conference, rhe fim
ever sports prcs.s conference held on
LC's campus. "WeU, I meant it."
"B;15ic:dly, the football team just
did nor have enough warm bodies
to put on the field,"' Hochsren.ler
said, alluding co rhc cancelled sea
son. "And it has proven co be rather
d.ifficuJt ro recruit new members
10 the rerun. I S:)\V only one option
available co me."
LC's footbaU program, embac
tlc:d for many yt,us, finally hie rhe
breaking point nvo seasons a.go.
. . . ' . The Pioneers• rosccr stood at about
30 playc,., while rhc ream had to
compece against re:.1.ms with be
tween 80 and 120 play-
ers. Some of the
players bad co play
both offense and
defense jusr co fin
ish a gal'ne.
Although d1c ros-
rer grew enough to complete a full
season, the team has been plagued
by low morale and even lower
scores.
President Hochsreuler hopes 10
cbangc aH char this season ... Over•
aU. I'm more sanguine than ever
about our cbanccs of playing a full
and con1peticive season in 2007
and in every year rhereafret, ... said
Preside:nr Hochsten1er. "I mean, I
was sanguine before. but now I'm
even more sanguine. I guess you
could say J'm super-sanguine now."
"'7 he Prcsidenr was rigbt, it has
been hard ro find new players," said
Director of Arhktics Clark Yea
ger. "We arc a Division-lll school, which means we can't grant
sporrs scholarships to prospective
scuden,s. Frankly, ir's been h"rd to
recruit players 10 a ceam that hasn't
won a game in-shcrsh, J don't
know, how long has it b(,.-cn? There
;use isn't a lot of ioccnlive lhere."
The President's overall reception
has been positive. ''lr's really cool 10
have hjm on the team," said Dirk
Hurlbutt, one of Hochstettler's
.new te.amma,es ... \'<le knew the
President supporred us before, I
mean, he came ro all our games and
all. Bur we had no idea rhe depth of
his dcvotio11."
Another player who asked co re
main anonymous specula1ed abour
rhe furure of rhe tradirional post•
game football parties. "Ir could get
really awkward if be just showed
up, you know?" the pl•yer said.
"Especially if he brings his wife
and kids. Bur I still wan; him
co fed like pare of the ream.
I mean, he would be wel
come and all."
Despire never hav
ing played collegiare
spores, the Prcsidcm is optim.isric Ms upcoming perfor ..
ma.nee. "I've been training." he said.
proudly. "Also, Coach let me have
jersey number 69 for good luck. Ir's
the year I graduated from Ea.rlham
College. Those were the days!"
The NCAA has been contacted
with this 1)<:\V information, but has
not been compelled ,o forbid 1he
Prc.sidcm from playing. "While we
usually frown upon this sort of a
thing, we jusr foel really sorry for
you guys," soid ru1 NCAA official.
"He (the Prcsidenr] jusr needs ro
makc sure he rakes a class to en•
sure his srarus as a srudcm .. achlcte~
Oh, ,rnd he can't play for more d1an
four seasons."
Alrhough i( is nor yet decided
what posirion chc Prcsidenr will
ulrimardy rake on rhe field. Head
Coach Ch.ris Sulagcs has a few
ideas.
"His narura.l leadership abili
ties would make him a good can•
didate for Quarterback," Sulagc.s
said. '"But we could also use him as
a Linelx,cker. He runs fun for a guy
his age. Rcgardle.ss, j,csr having him
out there will help our ceam GPA." el Pioneer Log, I de Abril, 2007 Noticias
New Eisinger article challenges in
tegrity of faculty members
by lnsideHigherEd.com // the definitive education news source
Political Science Depamnenr
Chair Robert£1singer recently pub
lishc..-d an article, ''Sharing Ambiva
lence Rerums,'" much ro d1e cha
grin of many fuculty members. The
article, which did nor specify actual
names, detailed Eisinger's inccrac.
cions with rhe seemingly unethical
conduct of mar,y professors. breached die expecracion of priV3cy Professor Todd Lochner, ~ long
I h:1ve \'/hen discussing my illeg::il ourspoken critic of Eisinger, s:1ys he
and moraJly rcprchcnsiblt: acrions," may 61c a civil suit ... My wife read
said one professor who chose to re-the article Md lefr me shonly after
main anonymous. w,uds. buc EisingcrS claims were
Preside1lt Tol'n Hochsrcrdcr has toral horseshic -my prostilU(es are
aJso condemned Ejsingcr's article: 11or scami)y clad," Lochner said.
.. Ei.singer's concern for h..is fellow Hov,:cvcr, Professor Harry
fuculty member has really crossed Schlee£ defended EL~inger: "Ever
the line, ,.hesc fucult)• members siuce Eisinger published ,har ,mi
camc co Eisinger seekh1g a mcmor. de, my busi11ess has criplcd. 1 can
------- finally compcrc wirh tb:lr One. suc.h excerpt from Eising
er's anicle reads, "A fellow depart•
men< colleague, we'll e1II
him Rod, has a really un
healthy infaw:uioo with
prostin.rres. Every mhcr "I was merely rrying to cha I-son of a bitch P0<.lobnik."
Eisinger was SQmewh;_;it
lenge my colleagues to stop Babbergasred by the fucul-
h 6 C l " ry's harsh response ... I nev- day I sec some scantily
clad woman witb an egceS OOti ng up e1ore C aSS. er claimed ,hat my srare-
gious amount of mrikeup
come into his office, and
arcer she leaves he comes
into my office and starts talking
abour how much he lov~ prosci
rures."
Tue article has been met with
many criticisms, with some profes
sors c.1lling for the rcnurc-d profes
sor ro ·resign from his post as l)e.
parrmcm Chair. "Profe5$or Eisinger
has made sweeping generali?.at.ions
abouc the conduct oF an entire gen
eration of faculry members and -Prof. Robert Eisinger mcncs were represenrarive
of all fucult)' members,"
Eisinger said, "in fucr I do
not believe that ro be the case ac all.
l was merely rrying ro challenge my
colleagues co srop shooting up be
fore class." and be bas indirectly cl,allcnged
chem co improve themselves as hu
man beings. ihis is nnacccprablc."
Anorher excerpt that has raised
considerable controversy re"lds,
"One of my good friends in the
economics department, we'll caU
him Harold, runs a merhamphcc
amine lab right out of his office. He
claims to be rhe second largest fuc
ulty dealer on campus." While Eisinger's fun,re with LC
is unccrrain, the professor has ex
pressed i0teresr in writing a follow
up arricle ro complete his trilogy,
che focus of which will be on t.he
allegedly unethical conducr of pre
schoolers during nap r.ime. tres
LC men start shaving
body hair to set trend
by Mr. Clean// ya dig?
In an unprecedented display of
male chauviu..ism. nearly :\II Lewis
& Clark male swderns have begun
shaving cheir legs and armpits in an
attCmpt ro inspire the female popl1-
ladon t0 do chc sam<.·.
Lewis & Clark, long renown for
its acceptance of alJ vie,vpoim$ and
lifr~tylcs, has now seemingly di
vcrgtd from dli.S repuracion~ "I'm
sorry, but I jus1 can'r srand hair in
certnin places, l don't care if ir is
narural, ir's wrong," said Matthias
J<uUowar, ('09), on odamanr pro•
ponenr of sll'looth skin and deso
late armpits.
Kullowarz began tbc move,ncnr
via Facebook, inviting all his rnale
friends and encouraging them m
invirc follow "bras." The group's de ..
scription reads: "For all ,he dudes
and brosefs ,nd surf riding duders
our there, a.re you sick of sra.ring :u
girls from a distance only \0 re.11i1.e
that that chick hMn't shaved since
'Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey?'"
Tue Womyn's Center, LC's stu·
dent-led group char aims to raise
awareness regarding sexism a11d
other female issues, rcleosed a brief
press .staccmenl in the form of a question: "Are you kidding me?'"
Kullowatt., who has al<io starred
such movemenrs as ,.\Y/c let you
vo1e and now you want to drive.?"
~rnd "How many times do l have
co say it: Exrra pickles orl my sand ..
wich." appears not ro be kidding
the Womyn's Center. "I believe it
was Jesus Ch rise who said t,;,.t oth
ers :as )'Ou wish ,o be rreated, so if
I shave myself ,hen it follows char
girls should do the same. Are these
broads going 10 srarc questioning
Jesus now roo?" added KuUowatt.
Jacob Bourne ('09), a fellow leg
shave.r, says., "I've bt-en shaving my
legs for years. I mcan, have ,hesc
girls even rried it before? le feels re~
ally good, I can pracrically ear off
my leg, and sometimes I do."
In addirion to KuUowati ~nd
Bourne, c.hc LC Mc.n's Swim ~eam
has been a large proponent of the
cause.
lhe Peer Review Autboriry has
not yet r.a.ken a s"Cancc on the issue,
suggesting char the movement's re
suk<i should be caken imo atcoum
first, adding that ifit were success.
ful it would l>e •;ir· and "prcrty
• sweet:~
Eisinger drops one millionth n~me
The Ice Man Cometh: 1 million names and still going ... by Bob Woodward II the washing/on post
One of Lewis &. Clo,k's mos,
outspoken and distinguished pro
fessors carved ye1 a11ochcr norch
in his already well-chiseled totem
pole this ,.,.eek: his one-millionth
,,ame drop. The fateful name, char
of Time magazine White House
com:spondent Ntike Alien, was
dropped while the Political Science
assistant professor lectured to .l,is
ro his Religion and Policies class
last Tuesday. "Robert has been
long regarded as One of Lewis &
Clark's greatest assels," said Presi
dent Thoinas Hocll$(cnler. "'fhis
~lchi.evemenr proves that, whether
puhlishiog conrrovenial reports on
his snidcnrs' personal lives, boast•
ing about his sal:.1ry or critidiing
the l'ionerr Log, he is and will coa
rinuc::: t:0 be one of rhc gr<.-at voices
of rhis institution."
"His incimalc knowlc:dge of so
many se1..·ming1y irrelcvanr 11:unes
i.s truly srunning, as is his capabil~
iry ro we:l\'e 1hem imo every con
ver$.11ion." said fellow Politic..,J
Science professor Todd Lochner. "Frankly, "I tl1ink he makes half of
them up.''
Eisinger broke m within a
thousand names of the one-rniJ ..
lion mark last Occcmbt'.r: and· stib-
~quemly mrncd up the:: pressure
in aJl of his pcrSonal i1ueracdons
chis semester in a bid to reach the
mi1cstone before the sU1nmcr~ col•
le;,gues and smdents reported. 1\f
ter exhausting most of the semi-
1mponant and obscure Ame.ric:m
poliridans, analysts. "'ralk show
hosts and journalists of the past
century, "The Iceman" was cvcnru
,;illy forced to resort to the n:.unes
of Medieval philosophers, dis,nnc
relarives and '80s sitcom charnccers
co reach che millennial mark.
"The lcxm.an had jusr 6n ishcd
talking about how cool ir was to 6"
•t the 1984 presidential dec1ion
campaign pa.rt)' when $01\l(!()ne
rricd to bring us b:.1ck on ropic,"
recolled Heywood Jablo1ti ('08).
ooe or Eisinger's smdcncs present
on Tuesda.)'. ''Eisjnger immtd.i::m,:: ..
I)' coumcr<.'d his p-0inr1 and rhe.n Started skunming them out like
Sammy Sosa-Michael Bloom
berg, Thad Cochraa. Warren
Mi1ofsky ... ofter a few mL~•ites
of it. l ju~r klnd of ghu.ed over
like everyone dse io dass."
Eisinger inrroduced Allen's
name ne.1r rhe end of the lcc
tu re, concluding .. So rhac's \.,.by
you should ncwc use splir in
finirivcs, Wcl1. I h:tve to tun,
I'm mcl..'ciog Mike Allen tonight
for dinner." When rhe Mossy log
con r~1cted Allen for his C(im
s-nem, he denied being in Por1-
l:and, and acmally clahoed nor
ro kaow Profe-.ssor gisinger ... J\,c
been in New Yo~k for rhc pas(
two weeks/' Allen said ... \Xlho is
this Eisinger c.haraccer anyway?"
"I'm proud to be honored
like rhb in the school newspa
per,"' Eisinger s:iid, "'But serious
ly, •carved another notch in th<."
tot.em pole'' What is this, grade
school? I mean, would Chris
Hedges, C. I~ Donnoly or C1rl
Dcrnsrdn ~:ver wri,e :tnyrhing
like that? I don'1 rhinkso." _c_u __ a_t_r_o ________________ iil•1•■•kf ____________ e_1_P_i_o.ne_e_r_L_o_g ... ,.1_d_e_A_b_r_il_, 2_0_0_7
Visitors-only parking structure to be built over existing lot
by Mike Hunt JI a funny guy
In a srrokc of good luck for non
scudems and non-staff. chc design for a
visirors-only parking structure h:ls been
approved for construction on the exisring
lot behind rhc tennis courts. The decision
came 1:'lst li1esday during an open forum
held by rhe T'ransponarion and Parking Committee. In order to Save paper, the
meering was not adverrised.
The new parkingsrrucmre was proposed
,o accommodare Lewis & Clark College's
many guesrs, which coosisr mostly of
participants in special evcnrs hosred by
rhc,: school on a11 almost daily basis. and
will not be avail:'.lble ,o swdents or srafl-:
The new structure will prevent visitors from using the Frank Manor lawn
as a substitute parking area. "Tbe school was getting a lor of
complainrs about parkiog spaces being
blocked off for special evems, about
drivers having nowhere to park," said Jeff
Browniog, the principal 3rc.hifCet of the
pro jeer. "I' was asked ro design a remedy
to chc problem." sajd Browning.
The proposed flve-level srructure will
bouse up ro 400 vehicles and incorporate
so.-callcd ''luxury-size·• parking spaces .
.. Not everyolle dri\'eS a cotnpacr, you
know,'' said Browning. •
Parking in the srrucrnre will be free,
and the building will fcarurc :.1 circular
.rorariog lounge 011 che rop level.
"The goal is co give visitors the same
kind of comfortable experience provided
ro srudems ,rnd fuculry;' s:.~id Bro,vnirlg.
"\V/,:. wane their arrival on campus co be as
easy and scrcss-frce as it is for chose who
come here every day.'' added 13,·owniJ\g.
While ,he entire lot will be closed
during construction, half of chc c,xisring
parking spaces will be reopened upon
completion of the s-trucrure. Due ro rhe
greater scarcicy of parking for srudenrs
and srnff. rhe cost of $Cmescer pcnnirs will
be increased from $165 ro $400 sraning
next year.
.,.\Y/e believe the new price to be reasonable in .light of the situation,"
s:1id the Trar1sponarion :,nd Parking
Commiucc in a press release. "'And co
make chc: rransition smootbcr, we settled
011 che l'Ound, easy.-ro-remember price of
$400."
The Commiuee released an email
notice yescerd:1y which gave a few
decails of rhe project. as wdl as ad\•icc
for commu ccrs dealing with tbc minor
interruption. Suggestions included
carpooling and rhe rarely-urilized practice
of"piggybacking." in which ''one vehicle
is c.1refully p•rked on t◊p of ano,her
using a system a ramps and pulleys. so
chat rbc..1• boch occupy chc: same space:·
The pamphlc1 further encour•ged
commuting students ro "just move on
campus, aJrcady."
Con$truction of the new parking
structure will begin in la.re 2007 wirh
a projccced dace of completion in early
2010.
In relared news, the fine for parking
in fire lanes wilJ be increase-cl from $40
to $ l30 for the first viola,ion upon
completion of rhe srrucrurc. Puking
creatively around or inside of fire lanes
will concinuc to bt consciously ignored.
Bon's proposal of Rusty Nail bar approved by Dougharty, ASLC
by Cassius Clay Sugar Ray I/ staff writer
lo tlie delight of LC upperclassmen, Bon
Appetir has announced char a fully-stocked
bar will be available during Ruscy Nail shows
as early as Spring 2007. With the Rusty
Nail's oew loc.1tlo11 in rhe Trail Roon\, the
CQi~s,rucrion of the bar will bean easy addition
for ,he Bon. Bon Appe,it enthusiastically
supports the decision, daimi.ng it wanes to
exchange irs i1ororicry on campus for a more
srudenr-friendly image.
"\Ve w,mt the students of l,.'\vis & Clark
College 10 know rhar ,ve coosider rheir wams
coo." Bon Appeiit employee Bill Masullo
said. "We know rhar college is ,he best time
of your lifo ... Lord knows I wish I had a bar
during my college days;' he added, witb a
chud<lc.
De.111 of Smdenrs Housron Dougharty
agrees wholly. citing srudcnr imcrcsr as the:
number one. fuctor in his apprOv.ll of the
propos.11. However, hcadmirs roso,ne iniriaJ
uneasiness about the idea ... My job is co look
aft<·r the well-being of ,he LC srudent body,
"he said. "Ar firsr, I wasn'rcxactlysure whel'C
this fell." Dougharcy added.
Afrer some hesitation, his ind<..--c.isivencss
led him to seek ~dvice from ASLC. "I ,•1em
back and forth on Lhis decision for over a
wcck." he said. After talking with ASLC
President Bobby McHugh, he agreed ro allow ASLC a general vore on the issue. "I
kne'\v the best thing co do 'Ya.$ ru,rn it over
ro the studcms- after all. I djd promise co
increase crnnsparcncy." McHugh ~id.
'lhe ASLC voted unanimously for the
proposal.
Th~ r<1Hative proposal cndudes a fenced
oif area of the Tr.iii Room, which will contain
a fully-stocked bar, bartender, and ,df-scrvc
American brews. The bar wHJ be opc.n during
Rusry N:iil shows, which will normally run
on wee.kendi;. Bon employees wiU check LC
srudcm ID cards at the gate. requiring junior
sra.ws or higher for emry. Flex points rnay be
used ar the discrcrion of rhe $'tudenc.
Though Dougharcy and ASLC
enthusi~,s1ic::1Uy suppol'r the ocw plan,
orhers srrnngly disapprove of the Bon's new
addition.
SOA Residence Director Jusrin Le:ik
claims rhat an on-campus bar wouJd
encourage unhealthy habits, and although
ID c,rds would be checked, he anticipates
a problem of false srudenc IDs. "With chis
kind of thing available on campu.s, freshman
and sophomore scudenrs woul~I soon be
forging lDs that show junior, or even senior
srams." he said. "'JcS jusr asking for unlawful
cousump,ion- :;md chat's 1101 wh3r LC's
about." LlUSTRATK>H BY EMlY 81.0CK I
•
_e_1 _Pi_o_ne_e_r_Lo_,,_o,_1_d_e_A_b_n_·1,_2_0_0_1 __________ ,'i·i·hh ________________ c_1_n_c_o_
Pacific Northwest cedes from U.S. and Canada
Tom Hochstettler chosen as Fuhrer for Life, Elliot )'oung as generalissimo
by Pussy Galore II staff writer
Oregon, \'(/ashington, and British Columbia have
ceded from the United $rares and Canada and have
chosen Portland as rbcir capital. FUhrcr Tom Hochrcnler
commented Oil their decision to c<.-de.
"'Fr.tilkly1 America was crampi1lg our sryle. \Ve want no
pan of the federal government and tbcir laws. \VJc wan r co
be free to su nbathc in the nude, and have gay and pluralistic
m:uri_ages. \Y/e wanr robe free co smoke and grow our own,
for medical purposes of course." Hochsccnlcr added that [Mexican Prcsidcnr) Calderon is hiding weapons of mass
destruction in :md around M:1rguira,1illc."
Not to be outdone, Governor Arnold Schwar1.enegger
prodai med himself C roppenf'uhrcrof the independent scatc
of California. He also announced :1 plan of Lebensuaum
for C:ilifornians wid, the invasion of Reno and Lu Vegas.
\"'<fhcn asked why h,· was iavading rhcsc clcics, he said,
.. C::tsh moves everything around, cre.1m, get the money,
dollar, dollar bills, y'all!"
When he learned of Schwartencggcr's plans, San
Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom responded by askjng if he suffered from glaucoma, or something
like rhac, and 1hen proceeded co 1ake a
huge bong hie.
Presiclcnr Bush's reaction was furious,
"Hochsrenler's :\Ction will not srn1,d!
I mean, what kind of message does
lhis send to our troops in Iraq. or the
u:rrorists? 1 mean, ceding so rhey c:rn MACRO Northern C1liforni:1 could join the new
nation of the Pacific Norchwcst. When
he was rebuffed, he consoled hirnsclt by
haviog sex with his depury chief of sraff. (A WEEKLY PIECE THAT FOCUSES
ON ELEPHANTS) Bm nor everyone is happy in rhe
nation of the Pacific Nonhwes1. Adam
Sanchez and his SOS guerillas have
raken ro rhc hills of Mt. ]·food. He rductanrly agreed ro
an interview with this reporter. smoke pot, that's ridkulous!" .President Bush then did a
line of coke. "Oh man, ,hat takes me back".
He conrinued by ::idding his plans for re.tali:uio1,, rhe
immediate invasion of Mexico. \Xlhen rcporrcrs pointed
ou, thar Mexico had nothing ro do with the Pacific
Northwest decision H> cede, he said, 14\V/e belief rh:u "Sure, the P:lcific Northwest is progressive;• :idded
Sancehz. Fuhrer Hochsrectler has legalized pot, gay
marriage, and partial-birth abortions. But is that really
enough? \'(le want 10 c.re.1re an anarchical socialisr state.
When .asked how a scatc based
on the competing principles ot
anatchyand socialism was possible,
he go, depressed.
Gaculry Advisor and
Generalissimo Elliot Young sensed
his distress and came ovt:r. "\\7hy
don't they understand our vision
for the revolmion?,'" Ad:un asked
with tears in his cyc.·s. ..I don't
know" rrofrssor Young said as he
pur his ::um around S:rnchez. ~,
just know." .. ll,cn they began to
spoon.
Back in Por1bnd1 chi~ reporrer
sar down and interviewed
Host<·tder's political advisor,
Revolutionary leaders are currently residing in the Portland's Mount
Hood. Truman scholar Dr. Roben
£isingcr, who is rhc smancsr
person in rhc world. "Polling
lus been very import:H'll 10 this
Templeton renovation? Psych!!!
by Mr. Bojangles // Spam Lite
L1ying on Campus Planner Michael Sesrric:~ desk is a
sh,,c, of norebook paper wich shredded edg,-. and a lone
message scrawled in purple 1w1gjc rn:irker. 11,e message holds
che original and mosr recenr plan for Templeton Srudent
Center; ir reads: PLAN FOR TEMPLETON: DRAW
PICTURES, WRITE BUDGETS, HOLD MEETINGS,
LEAVE 13UILDINGS AS 1$.
"We've never planned on remodeling ,he building. The
roof doesn'r leak. Burglars can'r break into rhe Ca.shiers
Office. ·rhe toilets Rush. Why change i1?" asked President
.. I ho nus Hochsrcrrler. "for over forry years, wc·w. engineered
'plans' ro placate studenrs. We ,hough, that evenrually <h<:j•
would ge, the message, bu, decades h,vc passed, and they
won'c lose hope."
The College, finallyexhausrcd wicb thcstudems' persi.srenr optimism and the seemingly endless planning. decided ,o
rev,-al the fu,;ade. "lfl could s:,y one ,hing co Lhe studems ot
Lewis & Clark, it would be 'Psych." said Hochstcnler.
"I was persona.Uy astounded that students hadn't 6gur<.'d
it out yet. The budget alone r<·v¢a.Js the joke," continued
Hochsreu ler.
Scstric cxpl;iined, "A full--sca.Jc rcnovarion would cost
roughly $30 miUion. We have scr aside $15,000 in an accoum
:lS 3, visible, but ulc:i,n:.ttely pretend budger. ·rhar mooey will
stay ch.ere unril we need it to renovarc dtc ladies' rescroom on
the: second floor of' the Manner HouS('."
However, the renovati01\ plan w:'.IS 001 completely :i joke.
"If sorneone was to donate millions of dollars, we would put
the plan co work/' said Scstric. •'ActualJy, once we rcali1..cd
thar studeni:s really believ-:d in die pl:m, we hoped that an
alumnus would suddenly do narc a huge d,unk of money and Faculty Advisor and Generalissimo Elliot Young
(above) is aiding the Northwestern revolution.
ad11Jinistration. I was miking co Sid Verba the 01her d::iy,
that's right, $id Verba, and he agreed. . o I survey<d rhe
new members of our scam-subsidized mtdical marijuana
program, and the results were shockfog. 39 perccn1
claimed ro h~we glaucoma. Another 27 perccnr just srarced
ro laugh hysterically and cat potato chips. As I was telling
Robert Axlerod, chat's right, Rohen Alexrod, I b:isidlr
haven\ found :1 damn rhing ...
One of chc more conrrovcrsial moves by Hostettler is
,he appointmonc of Todd Lochner as Chief Justice of rhe
Supreme Court ... , mea11, i1's depressi11g to lose a courc
case wh,n ,he judge looks like he's rcn years-old," said
Dick Cheney, who lost the new nation's first court case
when he orgued before chc court that ugly persons like
himself should also be allowed 10 sunbathe in the nude.
He consoled himself by shooting Chief Justice Lochner in
the foce.
save our ass.""
"Al.so. we briefly had hope after [former r,siden,]
Mooney memiont-0 somc mysccrious lucradvc in-..1cstmcms •
but those never panned ouL," rcRectcd Se.srric.
Unforrunatdy, rhe money never matcriali1M and rhc
administration grew wt-ary. "So, uh, .. J.K.'' laughed a
sheepish Hochste11 ler. • _s_e_1_s ___________________ §ffljiji,_.._ _________ e•l•P•io111n.e.e.r111L.o.;g.,,.1.d•e•A-br.i111l,.2.0_01
Lewinsky Scholarship for Oral Excellence
introduced; beat-boxer Shaw-Fox first recipient
by Dirk Oiggler // staff infection
Lcwis & Clark College's $ruden1 Finan
cial Services office has announced chis week
that nored alumna Monica Lewinsky ('95)
has donated a significant amount of money
bas been don.red ro ,he school for use in a
special scholarship.
Lewinsl-..-y came i1uo rhe money after her
wcalrhy grandmother, Mabel Lcwi□sky, died,
leaving behind ,he 14.6 million dollars char
Lewiosky donated in her honor.
uGr.t11dma Mabel \\'a$ a beautiful sing•
er," Lewinsky graciousl)' shared wilh the
Mossy log, "and she was alwa)"' so dedicat•
cd to servicing others. She's aJways b<..'tn my
role model; thar's why I wanred 10 give the
money to a good c-,use. Lcwis & Cbrk re
ally shaped who 1 am: if ir ,veren't for LC, I would11't have learned c.he skills that goc me
where I arn today ...
Lewinsky requested rhar the scholarship
be awarded annuaUy co one srudent in the
entering first year class who excels in ornl
skills. 1lic scholarship will poy for ~,e stu
dcnt'.s folJ tuition, i1lcludiogrt>om :md board.
·n,e scholarship will also cover books, srudy
abroad programs and off-campus housing.
"It's a real gifr," Glcndi Gaddis, Dire<:
cor ot LC's Student _Financial Services, s~1id.
"Monica's donation is so large th:u the schol•
arship will become a prescigious honor for
Lewis & Clark. Monica really exemplifies the
kind of service Lewis & Clark would like to
sec in ouI community, especially our alum•
ni."
1he Lcwinsky Scholarship for Oral Ex
cellence will have a special beginning ncxr
year as it will not only award an incomiog
freshman, but a member of every class of I he
2007-2008 academic year.
Nexr year's recipienr for the dass of2009
will be Morgan Shaw-Fox, member and
co-founder of LC's co-ed a cappella group
Momo and ,he Coop.
1·1'm really exd1ed! 1 never rhoughr I
could ger so fur and earn so much jusr by
purring my mouth ro good use," Shaw-Fox
said. "Oral skills run in the furnily; L've jusc
been doing whar my mama [aughr me."
Sl»w-Fox hails from Boulder. Colo., and
is studyi1lg rhearrc and music. His inrc:r•
escs also include bear-boxing. hook-ups and "coppin' a feel."
Scholarship re<:ipicnrs arc also asked 10
parricipate in ~•c lease one service project for
eoch year they are awarded rhe scholarship.
Projec,s can range &om local, Pordand
based projc-cts to national or global projects.
Lewinsky suggested ,hat r<Cipienrs should
try ro involve their oral skills and ,heir phi
lanrhropy.
''l love servicing people,•
Shaw-Fox commenced. "It's
one of the ,bings I do besr!
Ir really brings me a lot
of person,~ pleasure
co leave someone bec
rer off than before they
came across me."
With a smile on his foce
.and a song in his heart, Shaw ..
Fox pl:ins 10 embark
on a road uip from
Portland ro Boul
der after this scmes-
1er, helping people
along rhe way. know there arc kids that have no idea wb:u
oral skilJs are a1J about? l wanr tO sho,\1 thern
bow i1s done, yo1.1 know. I want 10 do so
much more cha1l much tllem."
Shaw-Fox reflce<ed that someday he'd like
to meet and ,hank Lewinsky. ''I just hope I
can live up to her reputation!"
"l really wane to
blow away the pov
erty gnp in Ameri
ca, and, 01\ my way
home this summer,
there arc a lot of
back-country plac
es 1 can smrt.." said Shaw-Fox (right) showcases his oral skills to a choir-
Shaw-Fox, "Did you mate. Above: Lewinsky poses for LC yearbook photo.
Economy promises to employ Philosophy majors
$
$ $ $
$ _.,.-.,.......,,,,__
1/"/ JIit, , •
I
$ by Wells Fargo II staff treasurer
J\ surprising report released by rhe De
partment of L1bor this week Ii sis philosophy
as the mos, profi1able major available ar the
undergr..ldu.:ne level.
Philo.sophy has bearen our business, med
icine and engineering as the highest-earning
group of gradmue..s in rhe country.
"It's quite i1\explicable," said Secrerary
of L1bor Elaine Chao. "Ir seems as though
,he economy has crcarcd a highly profitable
niche for experts in Platonic walism, Kirkeg
aard.fan existentialism, posr-hurnanism 311d,
strangely er1ough, Nieirche's musrachc.*
"'I'm s-rjll scracching my head abouc tbar
one," Chao added.
American corporations arc now looking
for highly motivated, )'Outhfol, energe1ic
individuals wit.h extcosive knowledge of the
works of a variery of philosophers on a wide r~\nge of ropics, from Sartre to Freud.
Larger corporac~ powc:rbouscs arc des
perate for graduates with a moderate under
Standi □g of some lesser-known philosophers
such as George ·fornbull, • founding F.uhcr
of the $co11ish Enlightenmenr.
"J didn)1 e\'en know there was a Scotti.sh
Enlightenment." said Microsof, CEO Sreve
BaJlmer. "But ic rums our it's esseniial l"O rhe
operation of\Xlindows."'
The Lewis & Clark Philosophy deparr
mcnr responded cmhusiascically ro the news
dm ,heir graduarcs could immediately ex
pect t0 bee.1mingsix-figuresaJaries.
.... That's so exciring!" exclaimed John .Frir-
1.man, Associate Professor of Philosophy. "l
gue.'\.t philosophy is no longer one genera don
from dying-we can gee a couple of genera
tions out of thls news."
"Studying philosophy is never easy, but
j1 has become a lot more palatable. There's-something m be said for not having ro con
rend with the souJ·crushing cerc.1jnty that
your chances of gening a job in the field arc
slim ro 001\e," Frinman added.
Former Arr H iStory major Drew Kelly
('09} expressed excitement ab.out rhc report:
"I used to only Ix-a Philosophy minor bur
once I heard the news I h:i.d t.O ina,ke the
leop." He paused rhoughrfully and contin
ued, "I didn't rhink any field could be more
lucradvc than Arr History. but it is all start
ing to make sense in the grand scheme of
d1i.ngs ... "'
Although ,his economic about-face has
left the philosophy srudcnrs overjoyed at the
prospect of acrual salaries. tbe economics de
panmcnt is snuggling co find a cause.
"Maybe Marx can expl•in it.• said Cliff
Bekar. chair of che depamnenr. •·1111 have ro
go back and read DIIS Kapital again. Damn." och O _________ e_1 _Pi_o_ne_e_r L_o_g_, _1 d_e_A_b_ri,.1,_2_00_1
The Police to play ~icky gnar-gnar
show in the Rusty Nail tomorrow Theatre dept
stops sucking
by Drahm A. Geeke II staff hot dog
by Sauna Jacuzzi II staff fluffer Lewis & Clark was shocked this wee.k at
an unprecedented bit of news-the cheacre
dcpanmcnr announced the pl.ay> ro be pro•
duced iJ1 chc 2007-2008 season. After their recent reunion ar rhe Gram
mys in February, tb< legendary rock trio The
Police have begun making plans for rhe.ir
m.·w fumre. beginning with a performance in
the Rusty Nail tomorrow nigh,. quickly changed rhe subject. fomrc success. Together.
..:I just don't wam Andy (Summers] and
Srewie [.Copeland] to like, feel bad cause I
had so much more success than them "I wam LO make :mothl;!r 'Roxanne; you
k.now?n Copdand sajd. ('I .. vant us [0 change
the world ag:un, Llke how we did with d1ac
song." .. Ir was really quite. astonishing. 1he
srra.ngest rhing," said an anonymous the:ure
major.• Beeny Uoycc, the rhearrc department
st.-crcrary) is alway,s so nice-and calm, and one
day she just climbed up on top of her ck-sk
and was ydl.ing and screaming -:tl'td, well.
rhrowing ~ canuum. She wrote her dem~1ds
in lipstick snarcbed from a passing student,
and said she would rage and rave untU rhc
theatre dcparnnc.nt .go, its ::i.cr cogcthcr and
srorted planning ahead." The Police say that they chose 10 'begio
rherr nC\v life rogcd1cr," as Scing pur it, on
Le,vis & Clark grounds because they be
lieve Ular the new direc.tio11 in which
rhey arc going would app<.':11 ro "lteady
kids like chose ac (LC].' according 10
dn1m111er Stewarr Copeland.
··y~h. since we a.re getting older., we
d1oughr rh;H rhis new rour should be
like a rebinh.~ Sting said. '"I mean, I'm
nor too old rhar I can', s1 ill look hot
in cut-off recs-and smff. bur everyone
rhar li~rens to us ls like 40 years old and
nor ,Im hor. We 6gurcd if we 1Vanted 10
get any worchwhiJe babes on this tour, we
nl-edM ro be mMe, wha.1 do you call it?
Oh, yeah, indic."
\XTben askc-d how their likely multi-mil
lion cfollar rock b:md whose career rngeth~
er spanned nearly a ,kctde could be truly
very "indic," guicari$t Andy Su 111mcrs said.
''\Veil, everyooc knows 'indie' doesn't mean
;i,,dependc.nr' ::mymore. Looi( ar d1e De
ccrnbrisrs, they arc sigocd ro Capitol! That's
so not indie/' after we broke
up, "You know what I like?" Sting interjected.
"11.ikc banana splits. Right! l m,,.n they are
so good.'
•Gordon!" Copeland shrieked. "You arc
always doing Lhar! Just making it about
you arid your needs. What if !wane a ba-
11ana spli1 coo? Because, yeah. they a.re
good."
"'Stcwie., you know J h:m.· ir when
you call me by my real name! Oaly
my mothtr can caU me Gotdon. I am
$ring lO you!" the suddenly very angry
and red-faced rock star cried.
71,c three men hugged again and
agrct-d thar they would get barm.ta splics
cogedu:r later.
•5o onyway, we arc really excited ro play
ac Lewis & Clark on Saturday.' Copeland
said. • J think it'll be real fun. You think we
could get high with some college girls bc
forch:.md or somethfog?,. he asked me.
After giving thc!m the nun1ber of my on
campus drug de;1lcr, I realized that I learned
a loc from Ulis interview.j learned rhac even
after nearly 20 years aparr. bands ran make Afrer years of lasr minute decisions. rht
dep:irunenc's ability to put together nexc
year's season so fur in ::td\•ance was asml)ish ..
ing. "Even 1ho1,gh we [,beam, professors]
had 10 mccr wirhom sleeping aU of Spring
Break. r►m glad we did it,~ said dcp3rtmem
chair S1ephen Weeks. "Nor because I chink
there was '1nyd1ing wroag with deciding
plays co produce last minute, bur because
Joyce is happier now," he said.
"Word.' Sting said. "We dou'c need to
be re-JJly ind.ic, we just need ro so1111d sorca
like ii. I figure we can just be a linlewhirl~
ier. use some beats we'll pay some college
kid ro make on :) computer, and learn ro
play some crazy insrmrnents thar no one has
heard of and then we'll sound just like, what's
tha, band? The Shingles?" After their interview, The Police-went to
the LC bookstore and bought jackets.
Sting didn't though. His biceps didn't fit. ir roged,er agaia. They just need a linlc di
rection, a lot of love and enough cash le.h
ove( from tbeircoke purchases to get some
banana splits. Scudems in Ule deparrmenr couldn't be
happier. "I've had every student in the de
partment come up to me and thank me
slncc ... che incidenr,"' s:1,id Becny ... J rhouglu
l'd be-en a bir childish. bur apparently ,he
students arc able to plan rhdr lives and rheir
involvement with activities and the thcarrc
for the firsr rime."
ihc office of alumni rel::ufons sent a giant
bouque, and a card ro Bceny, ch•nking her
for making it easier co let alumnj know wbac
their aim:, r'n3ctr is up rn.
know? Like, I don't care about all char money
and fame and s1uff. I jusc want co rock wirh
them again." 11,e Police will pu,y tom()"OW 11igh1
i1t the Rusty Nni/ with Grtg Karna anti 1}g
WMp, and 71,, \WmkJ. This will be berrer 1h1111
Sunburn. 8 p.m. FREE! Sring i, nho looking
far 1uw groupies far ,l,e uproming tour. Go to
myspace.comlstingsluu far mon info. About rh~,; star-ding news, Prcsidcm
Thomas Hochscenler said, ''This change is
ex.tremcly unprecedented. Jf we are lucky.
this is a sign that we-are about ro enter a sea
son offoorbaH wht:r~ the Pios win." Afie!r informing him chat he might be te•
forring 10 71tc Shins, Sting sneezed and then Afte, a cathartic cry and group hug. the
rrio S:'ll d6wn again to address their pl:rns for
Dannielynn paternity case to be solved by LC adoption
Resident director David Rosengard recendy a,tnounccd
his adoption of the la1e Anna Nicole Smich:1 daughter, Daa
niclynn. as th~ new Foresr mascot. Ahhough the ::idoprion
wiU officially be in Rosengard's name, the chUdcare duty will
be sprcad throughout che forest complexes.
ihe adopcioa app<-ars ro be a par1 of dtc school's anempt
10 l)reak away frorn cheschool's typical scereo type ofbeiug a
"hippie haven" and full of"m.'C huggers," and mo,•e closer to
the image of a more current epicenter of education rhar is hip
to pop culture. "Lc:.-wis·& CJarSc is often ~ociatcd with our
former studcuc Monica Lewinsky. \V/e wisb co move on from
rh:u, and become more cuning .. edge," explains Rosengard,
who rook a brea.k from his book, Pirru, St,11g, F,,. 8nhic;, ,o
speak with the Mossy u,g.
Dannielynn is ro live in rbe basement of Spruce. While
new beds wil.1 nor be purchased, lost laundry pU,-s will be
u1.iliud. Studencs and RAs arc to rake shif,s with childcare, by Susie Q If staff zeppelin
which will include diaper duty. reading sessions and hygiene.
'"Our hope is chat tbis wilJ encourage a new level of com1no
nity," Rosengard said.
LC's housing applicarion will now have a new section
with qoestions focused on the applicanrs' experience and ca•
pability with d,ildcarc.
[n response ro Ann:) Nicole's rcponed anempt rt) feed
Dannidynn less food in order for her to "bese¥.y." Bon Appe
rir will be replacing the Veggie + c~rr wirh food that is mor<:
child-friendly. New options will include applesauce, 6sb 6n
gecs and ams on• log. U>wer kiddie table.< will be introducx.-d
and bibs will be issued on every table in addition ro n:,pkins.
The Co-Op is prep•ring for the arrival by stocking up on
ho, chocolate. Co-Op shin duti<:$ wiU iodudc the cradicional
coffee shop duties, as well as «aching duties. "We ore hoping
to ger handwriting and counting books in soon ~o the Co
Op members c.,n gee f.uniliar with the materia.1 beforeha,,d," cxplaincd Frazier Lanier ('07). Jodi McLvcn ('09), rhe music
dircccQr of the Co-Op, also leaked information on chc pos•
sibiliry of getting Raffi to perform fpr Dannielyrut's bircbday
in Sepcemb¢r. "All l will say is thar we have been in commu
nicariont _McLaren said.
When asked to commeoron the idea of a communiry rais
ing a child, AngeUna Jolie expressed her enchusiru;m, "Many
children aJI over chc world are r~lised in community fumilic:s,"
she said. Jolie has expressed interest in arranging play dates
wirh Dannielynn and her daughter Shiloh. who is roughly
the same age.
Dt-spitc the general enrhusiasm, C,mpus Safety appears
hcsimnr. "We arc going robe dealing wich a lot of paparaui,
oor co !llention die possibility of any number of 'birth fa.
therl trying to ger on campus," said Timothy O,Dwyei:, Di
rector of Camp,s< Safory. "The fuct i.s, we arc going ro need
mores~ and a tighter security syStem in general." dl·ez ----------------------- .... -•l§•jej ■jffi ____________ e_J_P_io_n_e_c_r_L_o_g __ ._1 _d_e_A_b_ri_l,_2_0_0_1_
Tennis program to erect pornesque dome for fans
Tue 2006•07 men's and women's tennis
1eams are setting all ,,ew lows for ancndancc.
ro th¢ir matchl-'$. ·n,is low wrnouc, coupled
whh oew funds from the rising sale of Te--•
re.<a Kiomnec (' I OJ bobblchead <lolls, h:lS
prompted arhle,ic director Clark Yeager to
caU for the erccrion of a new pornt-sque ten
nis dome.
Fuzzy Balls strip club will feature
renowned local talent such as Sa
cagawea and Fairy Duster.
Fresh off a round of Jager bombs. Yt-ager
announced ac a Monday nighr pre~ confer•
ence th:t1 construction on ,he new pornesque
dome would begin dtis .summer. "'\'(le went
ahead and looked at rhe attendance for ten•
nis matches and discovered 1 h:1r nobody goes
ro c.hem,"' said Ye.ager. "1llis made us wonder
how we could attract more peop1e. Natural•
ly, pornesque came 10 mind. \'V/c need ro stay
ahead of rhe compelition and this amazing
dome will hdp."
The rnain attraction of the new pornesque
dome will be a sr;ue-of-tbe-,m 1,284 squ•rc
foot mip-club located in the sourheasr cor-by Michael "Squints" Palledorous I/ husband to Wendy Peffercom
ner of the dome. Applications for jobs ar ,he
srrip club, which will be •prl)' named Fuzzy
llalls, have come pouring in from :ill over
Ponland. "I \V"aS extremely cxciccd about rhe
opportunity 10 help u,e athletic program,"
said LC srudcnr Aubrey Fong ('08), one of
rhe applicams. "I gor cur frorn I he ream as a
freshman and have since rumed to Judaism
as a way «> help the ,earn. I pray for rhen,
cvcty nigh,." Now, says Fong, she wiU be able
to hdp the team by incre::i.sing attendance.
So fur, 438 people have applied for the 15
stripper SpotS.
In addirion to Fuuy BaUs, the do1ne will
feature an Op1oma HDS I projecror whid1
wiU constandy project cl:lSSiCS such as "Deb
bie Does Dallas'" onto the North wall of the dome. ·mis will allow for funs ro w:uch nor
only Lhe re,rnis malth raking place. bur the
epic filmography :1s well, thus doubling the
wholesome c.-menainmenr.
The :uhletic program hopes that d1c new
pornesque dome will make· a huge diffet
cnce in the Sl1cces.s of rbc ccnnis program. ''r
mean, ,._,ho could resist pornc.-squc dome?'J
rhctotically quesrioned Yeager at the press
conference ... Not mt-," exclaimed audfoncl·
member Evan Higgins {'08). "Not me."
lhe i'ne.mbers of cbt ream are excited as
well. "Now I can ge, free hugs from half-na
ked chicks," said Sl1:1ne Rivera ('09). "I've
been lobbying for ,his for four long years
said senior Liz Nguyen. To see ir fin:,lly cornc:
rruc will be,a dream come uue."
WJSTAATION BY JESSE JANE
A computer illustration of the new pornesque dome shows the giant new
screen that will display classic porn concurrent with tennis matches. 11,e Farley G,oup. which designed ,he
cennis domes ar che Tualacin Hills and Recre
ation District Tenuis Center, will begin worl.
on the pornesque dome in June of 2007. The
project will be done and ready for ,he 2009
mel\'$ and women's cen11is season.
The first feature held in the new
pornesque dome will be Debbie
Does Dallas for the men's matches,
followed by Pirates for the women's
matches.
New features of the dome
will include padded walls for
extra comfort. Bottles of Co
voursier will also be available
at the concession stand next
to Fuzzy Balls.
Football program cut in favor of new juggling team
by Alan "Yeah Yeah" McClennan I/ was really wasted when he wrote this
llie Piolog has learned ,hai the athletic
department will eliminate the football pro
gram in favor of crealing a varsity ;uggling
team. Arhleric Director Clark Yeag« said the
decision was a mugh one~ but that it was cimc
10 make juggling a legitimate sport. "Every
hody lo\•es juggling; who doesn't enjoy ro~
ing mulriple balls in the a.ir."
Despire Yeager's enthusiasm for chc new
progr-am, rhe move inluri:ued members of
the football ,cam. "We made so much ptog
res..~ this season," said center Kenuy K.,.stcr
('10). "I mew you can't just look at ,he
scoreboard. those games were much closer
than the 40~0 score indicates." The foor ..
ball team also pointed 10 ,he strong rccruir
ing they have been doing, which will surely
impro\'e I he squad. i.Last week I signed two
wide receivers from my basketball class," said
assiscanc coach l:10 Falconer. "Sure, they've
never played football before, but I think they
had 3 lot of potential." Falconer has now
11:1oved over to coaching the novice group on
the juggling team.
Athletic Direccor Clark Yeager under-stands char rhe football team is upser. but ,vork? 1t is much like dance b:utles (th.ink
he believes that rhis is ,he. rigbt dircccion for You Gor Served) where each ream tries t0
a,.hletics at LC. "We wanr ro be one of ,be one up each other. T11is can be done by us•
rop progcams in cl1c narion. Even if ,he foot-ing vatying types of objects, increasing ,he
ball ream gcrs a lot bertcr, ir would srill be number ofirems being juggled and th,ough
jusr a mediocre Division IJI program. Our degree of difficulty such a., adding llips and
juggling team is already rared #4 in ,he na-rwirls. ·we have a lot of people on the team
Lion." who have never juggled. so ,vc rry ro stick ro
While this ranking is rrue, Yeager fails to ·rhc fundamenrals," said Brown. "J wo\Jdu',
mencion that there arc actually only 5 var-wane anybody to gcr hurt." After rcrurnh1g
sil)' juggling teams in d1c US. Despite rhe home from his lare.« Lil Jon look alike con·
squads' early succes~ they have still been 1e,;r. running back Man Meachem respond-
out-shad6wed by conference rival cd r9 dte juggling ream's asscnions that
Puget Sound, who is ranked #2. ~ i, is a legitimare ,port. "'Ibey have
"1he juggling ,cam works harder _, a novice ream for p.:ople wlio have
chan any other sport on cam-~-,~ never juggled before, seriously
pus," said coprnin Lauren iCI how hard could ir be if people
Brown (' 10). "\Xie get up ac ~ with oo experience can make
5:00 a.m. <'3Ch morning rhe team. Everyone knows
and practice with cvrry...- juggli11g is a cult anyway.~•
rhing from golf balls co Meachem is referring
watermelons. It is a very ~ .. ;.,. llillS-.., ro the cultish nawre rhar
sncnuous spore."
So how do juggling
compet.itions actualJy The new juggling team will toss
special LC football balls to com
memorate the football program. is associated with jug
gling team memlxrs,
as they arc known ro <.-.at rogerher, throw exclusive panics and even
date each ocher. Browo responds that these
accus:uions arc endrely unfair. "lwe spend so
much tirne rog<.·ther and work so hard it is
inevitable I hat we wiU be.· a dose ream. "The
other sports are jusc jc::ilous ix-cause we gee
to go to Nationals and like acruaUy win.
They arc just haters." Meachem also poims
out the posirion of Cockring, which simply
yells at the rest of the «-am whac ro do, bu,
is somehow still consid<.'red an arh1cre. ·rhe
,cam's Cockring Danid Cochr,n declined
cornmcnc.
lllc club spon of men·~ soccer, which
had been waiting for years to become a v:1r
siry -$porr, was also furious with che decision.
"How could rhey choose juggling over soc ..
cer? Everyone loves soccer, it$· the world$
sport/' proclaimed ccam member Drew O1-
S:Cil. \'v'hcn ,nMctic dircccor Yeager was con
fronted abour this he responded quizzically,
uwe have a dub soccer team?"' Dcspirc rhc
controversy, che decision will st:1od. Lewis
& Clark has a juggling ,cam and apporently
they a.re berrer than everyone else. ,
I el Pioneer Log, I de Abril 2007 --·)A·i•i ■i4- 0 n ce
LeBronJames drops $10.8 million three-year NBA
contract to earn liberal arts degree at LC
by "Nuke" Laloosh II star pitcher and man whore
ln a stunning move, NBA Slar LcBron
James reneged on his S10.8 million 1.hrce
ycar conrracr with the Cleveland Cavaliers
in order co earn a degree Ln lnrernacional
A./fuirs at Lewis & Clark College. The first
pick in rhe 2003 draft, 2004 NBA Rookie of
rhe Year and c,;vo-rim~ NBA all-star has :.'IIS-O
agrc,-d ro play for rhe LC basketball ream.
James shocked the sports world when he
gave up the wealthy life of an NBA star ro
attend a small Division llJ college. He cair
rencJy nrns COilHUercials for Sprire ~nd Bub
blicious and holds a $95 million conrracc
wirh Nike shoes. C,irics have called this un
precedented move completely unexpected.
"'He must be crazy!" s:iid Len Ko,noroski.
President of the Cleveland Cavaliers. "He's
making bank!" When asked ro comment
on chis question.able career move, Jamc..--s just
said, "Mo' money, mo' problems."
Although James was unable ro enlighten
che public abom rhis odd decision. sources
dose ro rhe star shed lighr on his motivation.
A decent student in his Akron, Ohio, high
school, James never previously expressed an
inreresc in inrcrn:nional relations. Sources
dose ro che prodigy say char rece1lr issues
concerning global warming peaked his inrer•
csr. The: source said he saw "an Inconvenient
Trurh" and was reall)' sad about the polar
bears d)'ing."
Despite rhe rempomry loss to the profes
sional sporting world, LC will gain an in•
comparable advanragc in the NWC. James
has esc,blishcd himself in the NBA as a le
gitimate rriple•double threat, averaging
27.5 points 6.8 rebounds, and 6.0 assisrs
per game. Head basketball coach Bob Gail
lard is anxious to add the scar's ralcnr to lhe
2007 NWC Co-Championship team. Gail
lard described a new ga,ne plan th:,r wollld
include "gening the ball ro James as much
as possible."
Since James has become a Pioneer, his
hig.hwprofile Sf3{US will ;;mract a wider pool
of students. LC Presidc,u Thornas Hostettler
w.tS plc:a.s<..-d ro share che news with rhe com
munity. -:rhis is a step in the right direction,"'
he said in an cn1ail to cbc faculcyand smdenr body. "Now we wiU be able co anract more
young prof~ional achlcrcs who want ro
spend $16-0,000 oo a liberal :irts education."
James will have four ye.us of eligibility
since he bypassed the collegiate !eve.I for a
profossional cart-er. In fact, James had lost his
NCAA eligibility by participating in more
than one high school all-star game, bur due
to the circumsrances. NCAA presidenr Myl
es Brand was willing to make an exceprion.
In a special press con(;rcncc after che an ...
nouncernent, Brand said, "LcBron promised
me-a free pair of his Nike Zoorns-wbat was
I supposed to say!"
Deemed "The Chosen One" b)' Sports
lllustra«d in his junior year of high school,
Lebron James has been i.n the spotlight for
some time. Some speculate that all the atten
tion has become over,.vhelming and J:Hnes
is raking a break. "I chink rhe best place for
Lt.Bron to find h..is roors is at a prcdomi, ..
na.ndy white, upper-middle class liberal arts
college like Lewis & Clark," said his mother,
Gloria James, who raised James single-hand
edly as a teen mother in a low.income a,rea
of Akron. -
71,e pressure is piled on thick for rhe
young man who is supposed to follow in the
rradirion of Michad Jordan. Lellron James is
expected co perform miracles on the court on
a regular basis-for example, earning playoff
wins for the Cleveland Cavaliers. His god
like baskerb,11 prowess is ll0t entirely con
trived_. however. Te:irnm:He Eric Snow said,
"He's nor literal!)' Jesus, but I did see him
mm waccr to wine once at a party. 'lltough,
I was k;nd of hopped up on (cocaine) ar rhe
time ...
Narurally, rher~ are n13ny who are di.s
pk-ased by James' decision. Credired with
turning dtc Cavaliers franchise around when
he was drafted in 2003, he will be sorely
missed. llur LC Athletic Director Clark
Yt.i.ger hopes thar LeBron's a,rrlv:il will also
spark a turnaround for LC arhlecics. He s:1id_,
"Maybe if we have an imcrnarional super
sr:tr playing for us we: can get more people to
come to the ga.mes. Maybe."
DoN'T DONATE YoUR EGGS!
DONATE YOUR BREASTS!
CALL 1-800-555--BOOB FOR YOUR WARM, CARING AND
PROFESSIONAL CONSOLATION TODAY! • <
".
~
)\ ,--~-I
" d ___ o ___ c_e _____ """""_ ........... _...,. _______ .... , •• ,.ieii•J.j.j... el Pioneer Log. J de Abril, 2007
{You Did
You: ·nm girl who ears ,,Jone iu the Trail
Room ... a loc.
Mc; Noc about co change rhar.
You: Bland, unassunlinggirl who may have
a great person:tlity
Me: Frankly. noc intrigued
... wben you cold me you bad V.D. Not Catch My Eye}
A rant: Tirty slappi11g, loUipop Hcking marker
The only ching thar ex:;1cerbaros my ulcer fuce.
more rhan your sku1..zyt Abe Uilcoln-esque
beard. beady rar eyes. and whimsically dee-You: Tue Football Team
orated pajama pants is the way you eat-
like ~ co,v c:hewiag a. niouthful of its own Skiony gir-1 behind tht pole-
sweaty cud. lf the scales of justice were You did nor c2.1ch my eye.
really balanced, you would be bear nightly
on your kidneys with a giant gavel. . .. wbcn you bent me over in Monrucky .
Ten Die in Funny Write-up of the Week
lnformat:ion Report
Lewis & Clark College
Office of Residence Life
DATE OF EVENT:••• April 2007
TIME OF EVENT: 2:43 pm
LOCATION: Plan West Lounge
PEOPLE INVOLVED
Stephanie Beechem ••••••••••• ••••••••• •••••••••••••
NATURE OF INCIDENT: STATUS
student
snident
student -
student ID •••••••••
• ••••••••• • •••••••• • ••••••••• HALL/ROOM •••••••• •••••••••••• • ••••••• • ••••••••
RA••••••••• was returning from a class on Thursday afternoon when he was accosted by the dis
tinct smell of marijuana from the lounge in Lower Platt West. Out of courtesy. he knocked on the lounge
door and immediately heard the sound of breaking glass. One of the students in the louo~ was quoted as
saying. "Ooohhh. man, like did you see that bong break? Now if•s in like hella small pieces." After RA
■•••••••• announced to the room that he was an RA. several expletives could be heard from the stu
den1s. one of which was "fuck:· He briskly opened Ute door. exposing what appeared to be a drug sale of
approximately $4.000 worth of marijuana. cocaine and methamphetamines. It looked as though students
••••••••••••••••••••••••and••••••• ■••• were selling the illegal substances to
the buxom blonde Piologger ••••••••••• who was scratching uncontrollably at her open sores and
appeared to be obsessed w.ith cleaning the lounge. After RA••••••••• entered the room, the am
phetamine addict,••••••••••• revealed a pistol and began firing bullets wildly at the unarmed RA.
RA••••••••• retreated to his room to obtain his shotgun. When RA••••••••• returned to the
lounge, IO witnesses had gathered. attempting io calm the crazed drug dealers. RA••••••••• returned
the earlier gunshots, killing all 10 witnesses in the crossfire. The few living students could be heard scream
ing. •'Don't waste the drugs. Ingest! Ingest'" RA••••••••• continued firing. with no luck. until the
four students had consumed all of the remaining drugs. Two minutes later. RA•••••••••• ran out of
ammunition and returned to his room. Students••••••••••·••••••••••••••-•••••
and ••••••••••••• remained in the lounge for 18 hours until their drug high wore off. at which
point they decided 10 live "the clean life" and teach drug-awareness classes to minors.
The shootout in Platt West left 10 dead and four
completely high. WTTNESS(ES): •••••••••· deceased
••••••••••••.deceased
•••••••••••.deceased
••••••••••.deceased
••••••••••.deceased
••••••••••••.deceased
••••••••••.deceased
•••••••••••.deceased
•••••••••• deceased
•••••••••••• deceased
I have written this report with the facts as I know them
either as a participant or as a recorder of events.
RANAME: •••••••••••