Lewis & Clark College

The Palatine Tribune: Published Every April Fool's Day [The Pioneer Log: Lewis & Clark College's Student-Run Newspaper]

April Fool's Day Issue of the Pioneer Log, [Volume 70, Number 21]

Lewis & Clark College Student Newspaper

Pioneer Log Staff

2006-04-01

pdf

newspaper

For questions about rights statements, or access to the original document please contact Lewis & Clark College Special Collections and Archives http://specialcollections.lclark.edu
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Lewis & Clark College: Pioneer Log / Mossy Log

ASLC,CBB,SAAB,GAB
The alphabet soup of student government MORE NEWS!
Yurts, bikes and no classes,oh my! •
MONDAY,APRIL 1, 2006 PUBLISHED EVERY APRIL FOOL'S DAY
Mter years of deadlock and indecision ...
■
1n a r i, LC replaces RAZ
with carriages
Bio-desiel goes bust (literally)
and forces the administrati
on to look to more
equestrian solutions.
• \I .
@_)
.· -::; I
~ .,!f-~-"'"l,
Templeton re-modeled as a science experiment
A SLC President James
Atkin remembers
being so excited he
could hardly talk
when he was told
that Templeton Student Center
had finally been scheduled for
demolition.
"It was like the biggest birth­
day, Christmas, and token-mi­
nority-holiday present you can
imagine-combined!" he said.
"I'd dreamed of this moment, of
being able to tell the students
BACK FJ (•] ~1••
'Your vision of a student center
where students can be students
without fear is becoming real­
ity!,' but I never thought I'd be
the one to do it."
However, Atkin's enthusiasm
was dampened when insiders
on the project informed him
that the new student center
would be constructed like a rat
maze and would double as lab­
oratory experiment, complete
with international scientific ob­
servation.
"I was told that we'd be treat­
ed like lab rats, that there would be scientists watching us from a
space station in geosynchronous
orbit with the new student cen­
ter," Atkin said. "At first, I didn't
take them seriously. After all,
who'd be stupid enough to think
that they could observe Portland
from space? We're covered by
clouds 355 days a year!"
But Atkin's shadowy infor­
mants produced blueprints that
had him thinking twice. The
drawings clearly depicted a laby­
rinthine building against which
Templeton looked like a chil­
dren's obstacle course.
"This wasn't the kind of build­
ing you could give directions
through, or put up signs f6r," he
said. "It had twists. It had turns.
I saw sketches that looked like
rooms with collapsible walls and
pits full of spikes. And in the cen­
tral community space, I distinctly
saw a large block of cheese."
Alarmed, Atkin went to Presi­
dentTom Hochstettler, but Hoch­
stettler did nothing to alleviate
his fears.
"He told me to calm down,
that I was being paranoid," said
Atkin. "But the whole time he
kept his shoulders hunched up,
SEE MAZE, RENNOVATION ... ON THE
NEXT PAGE ' f i
. . . ,<{
~ \ ·.\
. :: '
ASLC President, James Atkin (right) and Deputy Speaker, Shannon Brady, go over the plans
for the Templeton rennovation. "We can't find a way out of the building," said Atkin. NEWSA2
No
classes
next
year
By OBI WAN KENOBI
The Tribune
During a surprise press con­
ference earlier this week, the
Registrar's office announced
that it will not, in fact, be offering
classes next year, much to the
surprise of students and faculty
alike.
The press conference was
prompted by an internal of­
fice memo leaked to the press
last week, which revealed that
the new registration guidelines
were actually designed to fool
students into thinking they were
registering, when in fact all they
were doing was checking boxes
on an Internet webpage.
"When WebAdvisor was im-
SEE Cl.ASSES_ REGISTRAR. .. ON
PAGE4
CO-OP
Co-op to move to Michael
Sestrik's office
Campus planner Michael Se­
strik surprised students and ad­
ministrators Wednesday with a
unilateral decision delegating
his office, located in a remote
garret at the top of Templeton
student center, as the new home
of the Lewis & Clark co-op. Ses­
tric brushed off concerns from
the co-op staff that the garret's
location would hurt customer
turnout.
"I've had enough of micro­
managing students and admin­
istrative bureaucrats," said Ses­
tric. "I said a long time ago that
the co-op was going to move to
Templeton, and as God is my wit­
ness, it will."
When questioned about his
own workspace, Sestric said he
didn't intend to change a thing.
"I've got some desk space clear
for their coffee pots, and there's
that empty corner," he said.
CORRECTIONS
The Palatine Tribune strives for
accuracy. Please call 503-768-
7416 if you see a significant
error in a story.
■ The Bon "mystery meat"
is not, in fact, made out of
human remains. That story
was completely fabricated.
Our bad. Please return to
purchasing your meals at
the Bon. It meets health
standards. We promise this
time. Palatine Tribune Jlfondr9~ April 1, 2006
Maze: Rennovation is pretty much not good
■ From page 1
and he kept looking behind
him like someone was watch­
ing. And he even had a GPS
tracker on his desk."
Hochstettler denied Atkin's
claims. "James has had a very
stressful year, and it saddens
me to see that his mind is snap­
ping under the weight of his
responsibilities," he said. "Per­
haps it is time for him to step
out of public life a !together." As
he spoke, Hochstettler glanced
repeatedly at the sky and fon­
dled his satellite phone.
''Furthermore, the idea of
a rat maze in the new student
center is ludicrous," Hochstet­
tler continued, clutching the
plans to his breast. "Why would
we want to run further experi­
ments on students? They ~!­
ready live in a closed environ­
ment isolated from the rest of
their kind atop this hill."
But Activities Congress Dep­
uty Speaker Shannon Brady
"There's plenty of room for all."
The space under Temple­
ton that previously housed the
co-op has been claimed by the
Future Farmers of the America,
who say the area is the perfect
space to stable their llamas.
THEATRE
Stopkiss devolves into
sexual circus
The Pioneer Log received an
irate complaint from a coalition
of Lewis & Clark theater students
last week asking the newspaper
to rescind its comments on the
Fall semester play Stopkiss. Be­
fore the production opened, the
Piolog previewed it as a "taste­
ful and mature exploration of
human sexuality." This position,
the coalition claims, is base, un­
informed, and misinforming.
"I mean, let's be honest, it
was pretty much a lesbian romp
fest," said Gwen Hackmeire ('07).
"Things are too far gone to worry
THE PALATINE TRIBUNE SERVES TO
___ THE LEWIS & CLARK COM-
MUNITY ON ISSUES OF ___ TO
NOUN
STUDENTS. WE ARE COMMITTED TO THE
FREE AND ARTICULATE EXPRESSION OF
___ . WE DO NOT DISCRIMINATE
NOUN
BASED ON __ __, GENDER, SEXUAL
NOUN
__ __, DISABILITY, AGE, OR CLASS.
VER&
WE ___ THE RIGHT TO REFUSE TO
\191B
PRINT ANY ___ ADVERTISEMENT,
AOJ!CTM
SUBMISSION, OR ARTICLE THAT DOES NOT
____ THE STANDARDS OF THE
VERB has her doubts. Brady heard
about the plan from Atkin, and it
reminded her of an email she'd
received some months before.
"I'm a Psychology major, and
we got an email a couple of
months ago seeking volunteers
for some unspecified summer
"This wasn't the
kind of build­
ing you could
give directions
through or put
signs up for."
-James Atkin
ASLC President
experimentation on campus,"
she said. "They offered to pay
us in cheese and Flex points,
but since I'm graduating, I didn't
News of LC in brir:f
about being tactful or politically
correct."
As evidence, the coalition
points to the remarkable turn­
out and ribald antics of prospec­
tive actors during tryouts for the
play. "You pack thirty sexually
mature young women in one
theater and estrogen goes into
overdrive,"said Doctor Jane McK­
insey, the coalition's medical ref­
erence. "Throw a sexy script into
the mix and things are bound to
get out of hand."
POLL DANCING
Pole-dancing finds its
place in the Liberal Arts
The administration of Lewis
& Clark announced recently the
addition of a pole-dancing mi­
nor to the school's curriculum
next fall. The announcement
comes after months of student
petitioning and lobbying by the
Go club and the student folk
dancing group.
"Lewis & Clark College is com-
PALATINE TRIBUNE.
ADVERTISEMENTS, ___ TO THE
PtUAAL NOUN
EDITOR, AND EDITORIALS 00 NOT NECES-
SARILY ___ THE OPINIONS OF THE
VER&
PALATINE TRIBUNE OR LEWIS & CLARK
COLLEGE.
SEND ___ BY MAIL, FAX, OR ELEC-
Pl.URI\L JiOUN
TRONIC MAIL.
THE PALATINE TRIBUNE IS ___ BY
VERB
YOUR STUDENT FEES. think about volunteering. But
now, I can't help but wonder."
Atkin's further investigations
uncovered more unsettling
facts. Former President Michael
Mooney's loss of $10.5 million
dollars had left a large hole in
the College's endowment. Last
year,"~ coalition of pharmaceuti­
cal companies pffered to pay the
College a sizable sum to run tests
on students. Eventually, the Col­
lege and the companies com­
promised with an online health
survey, which Atkin says is full of
subliminal messages encourag­
ing students to do everything
from drink too much caffeine
to fling themselves naked off
the roof of the library during fi­
nals week. Now, he says, they've
gone a step too far.
Activties Congress represen­
tative and Cheese Club founder
Brandon Wiebe agreed with At­
kin.
"We're human beings, not
mitted to bringing its student
body a well-rounded educa­
tion," said Jane Atkinson, Pro­
vost. "We in the administration
put our heads together, and we
all agreed that erotic art forms
were underrepresented by the
current curriculum."
Professor Forest Pierce (mu­
sic) concurred. "The Liberal Arts
education isn't just about pro­
ducing well-rounded physicists
and political-scientists," he said.
"This nation needs more edu­
cated strippers."
The minor, which combines
elements of physical educa­
tion and theater, will go a long
way towards rebalancing the LC
education, Atkinson said. The
school is also weighing propos­
als for courses in adult photog­
raphy and sensual massage.
SPY-WARE
Shoebomb intercepted
by FBl's spy-ware pro­
gram
NEWS CONTACTS
ED1TORS-IN-CH1Ef: Ross PEROT, GERALDINE
FERRARO
News EDITOR: WILLIAM JENNINGS BRYANT
foRUM EDITOR: LYNDON LAROUCHE
FEATURES EDITOR: SPIRO AGNEW
ARTS EDITOR: JESSE VENl\JRA
SPORTS EDITOR: RALPH NADAR
CALENDAR EDITOR: SEAN HANNITV
STAFF WRITERS: KOFI ANNAN, ANN COULTER
CONTRIBUTING WRITERS: WILLIAM 5HATNER,
LEANNE RIMES (SHE HAS VALUES), Russ FelNGOI.O,
JAMES FREY
PHOTOGRAPHERS: G. GORDAN Lioov, OLIVER
NORTH "They should
at least give
us a nice goat
cheese, not that
processed Cali-
fornia crap."
-Brandon Wiebe
Cheese Guy
rodents," he said. "If they're
going to turn our student
center into a huge lab experi­
ment and make us run it, they
should at least give us a nice
goat cheese, not that pro­
cessed California crap. But I
think we've seen enough to
know that these people don't
have our best interests at
heart."
The FBI is holding two stu­
dents in connection with the
discovery of a shoe bomb inter­
cepted by the Bureau's newly
implemented spy-ware pro­
gram. The students, who have
not been identified, are facing
charges of terrorism and poor
cyberspace etiquette, said the
Bureau, and may be deported to
Cuba.
The incide,nt may succeed in
legitimizing the spy-ware pro­
gram, which has hitherto been
hotly contested. "When radi­
cal fundamentalists send shoe
bombs through the internets,
no American is safe," said Robert
Mueller, head of the FBI. "[The
net] is a versatile and instanta­
neous medium for the wiles of
terror."
As he spoke, he lifted a worn
Birkenstock into the air. "Bombs
such as these are just the begin­
ning," he said. "If we don't use
all possible means to lock down
cyberspace, we may soon see it
used in the proliferation of bio­
logical and even nuclear arms."
COPY EDITORS: GERALD fORD, NOAM CHOMSl(y
ADS MANAGERS:J.D.ROCKEFELI.AR, NAOMI KUEN
ADVISOR: Ht-MAN AND THE MASTI'RS OF THE UNI­
VERSE, av WHICH WE MEAN ARNOLD SCHWARZENEG·
GER ANO IS GU8NA10RIAL STAFF
THE PALATINE TRIBUNE
061S SW PALATINE HILL Ro.
MSC 121
PoRTLANo,OR 97219
PHONE:
(503) 768-7146
E-MAIL:
PIOLOG@L(l.ARK.EOU
HTTP:/ /www.LCLARK.EOu/oRG!PIOlOG NEWSA3 Palatine Tribune 111onda_y,A ril 1, 2006 INSIGHT
One View SAAB Sex Tutors: Is it prostitution if they get paid with work-study funds?
LC is paying tutors to have sex with students
B:r Falcon JV/ ang·old
S AAB announced earlier
this week that starting
next semester it will
employ sex tutors for
students having trou­
ble with the more sexual aspects
of college life. SAAB currently
employs tutors for virtually all
subject areas but this subject
is by far the most controversial,
outstripping pole Early reports show that many
students have had a positive ex­
perience with the system. Said
one slightly flushed student,
"I know my SOAN degree isn't
worth the paper it's written on,
so I decided to get tutored in
something that's useful." Even
Dean Wormer is behind the pro­
gram. ''Lewis & Clark is a liberal
arts institution
dancing and beat­
ing BDSM 100.
SAAB's tutoring
mission is to help
students where
they "have no spe­
cialized help in­
stitution to which
to turn. SAAB ac-"It's pretty clear
to me that the
school is paying
people to have
sex with stu­
dents." and as such we
are committed to
producing well
rounded individ­
uals.We here sup­
port programs in­
side and outside
the classroom."
knowledges
need." this
All tutors must -One Angry
Parent However, not
all people sup­
port such a sala-
cious program.
obtain the signature of a profes­
sor and a personal recommen­
dation from the SAAB tutoring
director, Chastity Star. The rec­
ommendations are based on
libido, girth, depth and flexibil­
ity as well as experience, perfor­
mance reviews, urine tests and
physical condition. We have had
so many applicants that it's be­
come very tiring to conduct in­
terviews day and night. I have
had to turn some very qualified
applicants away," said Star. "How is my daughter supposed
to find nice man to marry when
all she has to do is look up a
SAAB tutor?" asked one frenzied
parent. Cornelius Acerbitas, a law
professor at the law school, calls
into question the legality of the
program. "It is pretty clear to me
that the school is paying people
to have sex with students. The
courts found that a similar pro­
gram at University of Colorado
was very close to soliciting pros­
titution." It seems that even the Chastity Star (Left) tutors a student on a controversial and difficult to understand topic.
most ardent supporters of the
program, including Ms. Star, ac­
knowledge the possibility of
abuse of such a system but "this
is fundamentally no different
than any other SAAB tutoring
program." Meanwhile, other depart­
ments are looking to place more
emphasis on procreative activ­
ity. For example, Athletics is add­
ing a PEA class titled "Tantric
Yoga'; Womens' Studies is look­
ing to add "The Oldest Profes-sion'; and International Affairs
is including "Foreign Film, Food
and Femmes" next semester.
Those aspiring to be a SAAB
sex tutor can contact Jean Aux­
Poisson of the French Studies
Department at extension 7777.
Two View The.fight over who KLC should support: Dave Mathews or Kelly Clarkson
DMB is the spirit of KLC
"College Rock, Not Corporate
Cock." Yes, crude as that is, that's
the slogan on the stacks of stick­
ers that sit unused in KLC's draw­
ers. But lately, I feel that KLC' has
lost sight of that ideal-the giant
middle finger to corporations
and mainstream radio. Sure,
ONE
we're playing underground mu­
sic twenty-four hours a day, and
sure we help promote dozens of
shows across town with bands
that have never even dreamt of
having a record contract-but
that's not a statement of any
sort. The bands you hear on KLC
are your stereotypical indie rock
groups, hip-looking, with impec­
cably tousled hair, and precisely
ripped jeans. They may dr9w
crowds, but they lack the soul
and passion that rock bands
need these days. It's all about
the image, and not about the
rock. There has to be something
better-and I assure everyone,
there is. That 'something better' is_
famed troubadours the Dave
Matthews Band. More so than
any other band around, they
truly exemplify the spirit of KLC's
aforementioned slogan. DMB
is currently the highest ranked
band on Facebook-meaning
college students enjoy DMB porations by workin_g with the
federal government to arrest
hundreds of executives guilty of
profiting off of the blood sweat
and tears of artists just like Mat­
thews. Billions of dollars in cor­
porate bootlegging revenue was
lost, in no small part due to the
actions of Mr. Matthews and his
more than ANY
OTHER BAND IN
EXISTENCE. EVER.
They don't jus~
have popular ac-'
claim either. Crit­
ics laud the "rivet­
ing jntensity" and
"driving chords"
behinds songs "More so than
any other band,
D't1ve Mathews
truly exemplifies
the spirit of KLC" band. Clearly in
both song and
deed, DMB ex-
emplifies the
celebration of
youth and music
and the r.ejec­
tion of corpora­
tion and mass
media, much as
KLC does our­
selves. This is such as "Crash"
"Satellite'; and the
group's live per-
formances are
described as "raw, dirty, and fe­
verish." With such impressive
rock'n'roll credentials, it's clear
that DMB is passionate about
and dedicated to their music. As
if that wasn't enough, DMB of­
fered up a giant middle finger
to the huge bootlegging cor--KLC Hipster
andDMBfan
where the fu-
ture lies-in the
hands, hearts and souls of the
Dave Matthews Band
Besides, what other bands
have dumped 800 pounds of shit
off a bridge onto the heads of
100 tour boat passengers? That
alone is more rock'n'roll than
anything Mick Jagger's done. DMB --LAME
■ KLC should support Kelly Clarkson instead
It's time for something new
, here at KLC. We've got tired graf­
fiti covering our walls-stickers
of mid-nineties jam bands up in
the office, and posters of all the
TWO
2001-2002 electro acts in the
Cave. But there's nothing new;
it's as if KLC stopped being in­
fluenced by the outside world
come 2003.And now, people are
suggesting the future of music
lies in the Dave Matthews band.
Give me a break.
First of all, where's the edge?
Matthews is about as tame as a
vocalist as you can get. I guess
I'll give him props for being able
to hit a high note or two, and
sound mildly emotional-but
that's about it. He's the musi­
cal equivalent of a dead fish.
His backing band, same deal,
they've got the chops but not
the heart. Take a listen to "Ev-eryday." What a dead album.
Even the name implies same­
ness, mediocrity. It's the highs
and the lows that we here at KLC
love-not the mild and tame ob­
servations of life that Matthews
offers up as "groundbreaking
or "heartfelt." Not to mention
the extended song lengths, and
complete lack of vocal hooks.
Instead of Matthews, why not
go for something exciting, pas­
sionate and most of all, raw. I'm
talking about Miss Independent
. herself, Kelly Clarkson. Not only
did she grow up in Texas, the
most badass of states, she man­
aged to exploit the American cor­
porate system to gain her fame.
Unlike Dave Matthews, who's
fame was built upon the mon­
ey of record labels, Kelly Clark­
son reached out and grabbed it
from the citizenry via American
Idol. In the "Since U Been Gone"
SEE TWO: KELI. Y ctARKSON IS A
BADASS ON NEXT PAGE NEWSA4
Red View, Blue View
'Blue Raspberry'
is a fallacy
B.r Speaker of the House,
Bill Frunsday (R-TX)
In these trouble times our
nation is under attack from a
plethora of threats. Our armed
forces are under constant dan­
ger from insurgents in Iraq and
our citizens are terrorized daily
by networks of lslamist radicals
RED VIEW
around the globe. But today I
stand before you to warn you
of the urgent need for Kool Aid
Reform to ban the most insidi­
ous threat, Blue Raspberry Kool
Aid. Ask yourself, what exactly is
a "blue Raspberry?" Has anyone
ever seen one? Rasperberries are
supposed to be red. Red like the
color of the blood spilled by pa­
triots to protect our freedoms. I
also have it from a very reliable
source that Blue Raspberry Kool
Aid is offical drink of France and
the United Nations. So I say if you
want to leave Ame-rica's secur-tiy in the hands of the cowardly
French then drink your colored
sugar water. But if you're a god­
fearing patriotic American like
myself, then you'll only drink
refreshing Red Cherry Kool Aid
and support me in a complete
ban on Blue Raspberry Kool Aid.
"Ask yourself,
what exactly is
a 'blue raspber­
ry?' Has anyone
ever seen one?
-Speaker in da house • Palatine Tribune Jl1011ric~J~ April 1, 2006
Kool-Aid reform Legislation: Pretty 1nuch good or not?
I've seen a 'blue raspberry'
.By Minority Leader
Barbara Kennedy (D-MA)
The remarks made by conser­
vative collegeuae only supports
the intolerance and outright
paranoi rampant in the Repub­
lican Party. Not only must they
skew the issue with refrences to
9/11 but the attacks on the tasti-
BLUE VIEW
ness of what may be mankind's
greatest achievement in r~fresh­
ment technology are ludicrous
at best. Before the creation of
Blue Raspberry, everyday Ameri­
can citizens suffered from a lack
of variety in their Kool Aid drinks.
During the Kool Aid Embargo
of 1982, millions were forced to
drink simple water to quench
their thirst. Think of a life where
one's democratic choice is lim­
ited to only Cherry, Lemon, Or­
ange, Lime, and Grape flavors.
Whats worse is that there are still
millions globally in the least de-veloped states
that lack the basic
human right to drink Blue Rasp­
berry. As the worlds superpower
it is our duty to spread this invig­
orating flavor to all those in need.
If we ban Blue Raspberry domes­
tically, then we send a message to the
world
t h a t
not even
America sup-
ports tasty drinks. I say this bill
is attack on our way of life and if
we let it pass than truly the ter­
rorists have won in limiting our
Kool Aid selection.
TWO: Clarkson is Classes: Reg;strar to offer none
so badCLSs, says K-f C ■Frompage2
■Frompage3
Clarkson and Mathews battle it out in KIC's most epic ..
er ... battle yet.
video, not only does she wreck
her scum ex-boyfriend's apart­
ment, she plays to an audience
in a basement! If that isn't what
rock music is about, nothing is.
Kelly Clarkson is no-holds­
barred badassery in a lithe lit­
tle body. She's the new face of
music-beloved by the people, blessed with vocal talent, and
in possession of an attitude to
rival any of history's greatest
punk bands. What does Dave
Matthews have?
An acoustic guitar and some
sob stories about South Africa.
And that's it. plemented, we achieved Phase
One of our 'No To Classes' plan,
by making it almost impos­
sible for students to figure out
whether they had registered
or what they had registered
for," the memo read. "Now, we
are streamlining the process
and moving into Phase Two
by making the whole thing a
complete farce. When students
click the 'Submit' button next
week, their precious
registration forms knew I had to do something to
celebrate his legacy," she said.
Students have reacted with
varying degrees of disappoint­
ment, joy, and outright rage to
the Registrar's announcement.
"It'd be cool not to have any class­
es at all, I guess," said junior Mat­
tie Hendricks,"but I don't know. I
mean, how am I going to explain
to my parents that they're pay­
ing $26,000 so I can jerk around
all year?"
H e n -
will be sent to an ob­
scure Internet dump­
ing station, where
they will undergo the
electronic equivalent
of shredding." The memo end­
ed, somewhat
disturbingly,
with "Mwaha-dricks later
admitted
that that
was mostly
what she
was doing
The memo ended,
somewhat disturb-
ingly, with "Mwaha-
ha!"
College Registrar
Diane Crabtree laid
the blame firmly on ha."
the shoulders of former Regis­
trar Dell Smith. "It was his plan
from the beginning, really," she
said. "He used to sit in his office
late at night, when everyone
else had gone home, and con­
template the beauty of a world
where the Registrar's office did
nothing all day long." Crabtree
said that upon assuming the
position of Registrar earlier this
year, she discovered one hun­
dred loose pages of notes out­
lining Smith's plan. "After I read
Dell's moving testament, I just -Memo anyway.
'Tm not
actually that
surprised,"
said senior
Carl Menu-
cchi. "I've
been here for four years, and I've
practically had to break into the
Registrar's office every semester
to get myself into classes. I think
I kind of suspected that there
was some kind of nefarious plot
afoot. When they lost my Over­
load slip for the fourteenth time,
that really tipped me off to what
was really going on."
Professors, on the other hand,
are outraged, although it seems
that their anger stems more
from the fact that they weren't
in on the scam than that they will be teaching to empty
classrooms. "I wouldn't have
gone to all the trouble to ac­
tually come up with a syllabus
if I had known no one would
ever use it," said Professor Rob
Kugler, of the Religious Stud­
ies Department. "I could have
spent that valuable time walk­
ing my dog."
"But hey, at least we won't
have to worry about what's
happening to Inventing
America," said Economics
professor Cliff Bekar. "As long
as the Registrar has the same
'no-classes' policy for the in­
coming first-years, we're home
free!" Bekar then proceeded to
run screaming down the halls
of Howard Hall.
Crabtree brushed com­
plaints and praise away with
equal aplomb. "At long last,
we're finally doing something
for ourselves," she said. "No
more crazy nights tabulat­
ing registration returns. No
more futile attempts to keep
students fronJ taking over­
load credits or practicums. No
more Drop-Add slips, major
declaration forms,or transcript
requests. Down on the lowest
level of Templeton, a select
few of us have truly achieved
a higher state of being. At last,
nirvana!"
Crabtree then collapsed
into a state of ecstasy and had
to be carried away from the
podium by her aides. MORENEWSA1 Palatine Tribune il1ondc~r, April 1, 2006
PDX bike ban begins today amid jubilation
By Larry King
The Tribune
The immensely popular Port­
land-wide bicycle ban goes in
effect today in an effort to stem
the rising number of bicycle-re­
lated deaths in the downtown
area. Bicyclists are no longer al­
lowed on roads that also allow
automobiles. Additionally, a 15%
tax on all bicycle sales goes in ef­
fect next month in an effort to
curb now-rampant bicycle use.
Speaking in front of a jubi­
lant crowd of former bicyclists
yesterday, Portland Mayor Tom
Potter explained,"With this mea­
sure, the city of Portland is send­
ing a clear message: We will no
longer stand idly by as Portland­
area bicyclists find th.emselves
increasingly subjected to mortal
danger, bad weather, and long
commutes.
This public safety measure
targets the hundreds of bicy­
clists who find themselves in
emergency rooms each month
in bicycle-related accidents. Ac­
cording to director of health and
wellness Melissa Osmond, unin­
sured bicyclists costs the state
$1.3 million annually. "Ultimate­
ly, bike riding is a selfish act. It
is the tax payer who covers the
costs of their irresponsibility."
LC Bike Co-Op ~ hooked. "Studies show that most
bicyclists begin riding by the
age of four or five. Bicycle com­
panies have even developed a
device called 'training wheels' to
get children to ride at earlier and
earlier ages. Once they ride once
they are hooked."
In conjunction
"We were
duped by the
bicycle corpo­
rations! They
built a faulty
product, a
product that in­
jures and kills!" with the ban, the
LC Co-Op has start­
ed an art contest
challenging local
artists to develop
anti-bicycling cam­
paign posters. The
winner will have his
or her art displayed
over the "Made in
Oregon" sign that co-founder Kelly
Rogala could hard­
ly contain his en­
thusiasm. "Finally
the city govern­
ment is showing
that it cares about
Portland's most
vulnerable popula­
tion. A city of this
size simply cannot
'share the road;"
Rogala said, refer­
encing the city's -Kelly Rogala greets motorists as
LC Bike Co-op co-founder they enter Portland
past bicycle safety slogan. Roga­
la and fellow co-founder Jordon
Stern are already distributing
bumper stickers with the news
slogi')n,"Join the motorized revo­
lution!"
Osmond explained that bi­
cycle giants such as Schwinn
and Cannondale directly mar­
ket their dangerous products to
children in an effort to get them via the Burnside
Bridge. Chalk artists Diane Grun­
dy explained, "It's about educa­
tion. It's about teaching kids that
they don't have to ride a bike to
be cool in Portland."
LC Bike Co-Op co-founder Jor­
dan Stern downplayed rumors
that bicyclists actually preferred
bicycling over driving. "Are you
kidding? It's not like we woke
up one morning and said, 'Hey, Mothers For A
Bike-Free
Portland
instead of driving a nice car to
work, I'd like to pedal this rick­
ety-ass piece of 19th century
technology through the rain to
work!'"
Rogala spoke at an anti-bike
rally in Pioneer Square last week,
exclaiming, "We were duped by
the bicycle corporations! They
built a faulty product, a product
that injures and kills! Who else
will we allow the bicycle corpo­
rations to take:Your best friend?
Your sister? Your International
Affairs professor?"
The rally included harrowing
tales of bicycle violence and sur­
vival. Visibly holding back tears,
Brandon Nichter told his story of
how he overcame his bicycle ad­
diction. "I was up to two hours a
day. I used my bicycle to com­
mute. Not once did I consider
those around me, those who
loved and cared for me, who
would have been devastated if I
were hit by a car. I can't believe I
was so selfish!"
One woman held up a poster
'v','.ith a picture of her late broth­
er. The sign simply read, "Can­
nondale, bring Tom back." Above, Portland residents march in support of the bike ban.
-Below, an LC student shows her support and hairy armpit.
Questionable recruitment efforts questioned?
Task Force planning for the task at full force, submits report on football recruitment
By Carl Castle
The Tribune
Following a failed recruit­
ment drive for the Lewis & Clark
Football team at a String Cheese
Incident concert, College Presi­
dent Tom Hostettler has called
upon the Planning Task Force to
research changes in the football
recruitment methods practiced
by the LC athletic program. The
Task Force yielded a report that
deemed the current recruitment
methods ineffective.
"The recruitment method
just doesn't have an identity,"
said Task Force director Paulette
Bierzychudek. "The administra­
tion should be asking students,
'what can the football recruit-ment program do for you?"'
The Task Fo~e's official report
was posted on the LC website
last week. It produced no new
methods of recruitment. How­
ever, the Task Force did reveal
that the current strategy wasn't
working.
The Board of Trustees re­
sponded with a proposal to re­
focus recruitment efforts toward
groups that are more representa­
tive of the student body. In order
to do so, the Board also proposed
a 5% tuition increase.
New recruitment efforts would
appeal to Caucasians, extreme
feminists, wannabe Bob Marley
groupies, and Boffers. However,
in a test run conducted by the
LC football coaching staff, results found that the search for talent­
ed white athletes was fruitless.
Recruiters scoured the hills of
Pocatello, Idaho only to produce
a handful of white athletes who
knew how to play football, and
none of which who knew how
to play football well.
On the other hand, feminists
proved to be highly receptive
to new recruitment efforts, re­
sponding in record numbers.
"On the field we girls can bust
balls as good as the rest," said
Rosie Riviter. However the NCAA
opposed the feminist recruits
because of regulations against
girls playing football, no matter
how hairy their legs are.
Bob Marley groupies showed
interest but these pot smokers often suffered from amotivation­
al disorder and couldn't remem­
ber the plays.The Medieval battle
reenactors, a student population
which makes up 78% of LC stu­
dents who live on campus, have
also been a focus of recruitment
efforts, making a football team
fully informed on sixteenth cen­
tury crossbow tactics but who
often failed to show up at any
of the games due to the over­
whelming demand for their skills
in battle.
These bereft recruitment
methods are also being com­
bined with extremely illegal re­
cruitment incentives. "We liave
revealed that the incentives,
ranged from cheap strippers,
dank chronic, to even high qual-ity and dangerous boffing gear,"
said Hochstettler. Despite be­
ing illegal these incentives also
produced unforeseen conse­
quences that caused the lack of
LC football participants.
SportsTrainer,John Low refer­
eed to as J. Lo, reports that,"The
whites from Idaho were going
home with gonorrhea, the Ras­
tafarians ended up in rehab, and
the advanced duct tape weap­
onry caused Boffers to get hurt
and even killed."
An anonymous student said,
"The desperation for players
caused recruiters to cheat but
Karma came back and bit them
in the ass/ MORE NEWS A2 Palatine Tribune Monda,r, April 1, 2006
Thousands join spontaneous "Happiness
Riot'' to celebrate Residence Life Policies
By Schiffy McGrod
The Tribune
Over 3,000 students and
Portland community members
gathered last Wednesday in
what a campus RD has described
as "the largest expression of sat­
isfaction with Residence Life in
Lewis & Clark's history."
The spontaneous riot began
when Residence Life released a
statement Tuesday night stat­
ing, "We pledge that the multi­
purpose room connected to Co­
peland Residence Hall (known
in some circles as "The Rusty
Nail" or simply the "Nail"), will
never again be taken hostage
by the LC Music Coalition and
turned into a music venue."
This announcement ener-
"Students want
to be treated
like underage
adults, not col­
lege students"
-Scott Devlin
Resident Assistant
gized the whole base of Resi­
dence Life supporters who
spilled out of their plush rooms
and spontaneously gathered in
front of Maggie's. With torches
that billowed under the cool Ben Schifman led students outside of Maggie's in the chant, "One, two, three, four, who do
we truly adore? Residence Life!" By early morning the riot grew to over 3,000.
starry night sky, the group
swelled to over 900, according
to police helicopter estimates.
In the midst of the chaos,
LC Music Chair Ben Schifman
emerged on Roberts Lounge
and led the group in the chant,
"One, two, three, four, who do
we truly adore? Residence Life!"
By early morning, an estimat­
ed 2,000 local Portland residents joined the group in support of
LC Residence Life in what the
media has labeled the "Happi­
ness Riots of '06,"
"Students are simply fed up
with chalk art, cavernous rooms
without enough roommates,
parties, underage drinking, and
the unregulated nature of Face­
book," explained RA Scott Dev­
lin. "Students want to be treated like underage adults, not college
students."
The group made the 7-mile
march down to Board of Trust­
ees Chairman John Bates, where
they demanded that the school
raise housing costs in order to
increase RA compensation. "It's
highway robbery, that's what it
is," RA supporter Austin Watson
said, "We pay so little for these amazing dorms and awesome
Residence Life staff who are tru­
ly in tune with the pulse of the
greater LC community. Without
them I would have no friends."
ScottCheesewrightexpressed
his gratitude for their Facebook
monitoring efforts. "When I saw
a picture of my RA with a beer in
her hands last year, I flipped. It
was like walking in on my par­
ents having sex. But now that
they've taken those pictures off
[Facebook], I can breathe a little
easier."
Protesters took their happi­
ness to ahother level when they
burned an effigy of the Pioneer
Log reporter, Joshua Silverman.
Silverman has written many un­
founded articles that critisize
Reslife. Reslife has maintained
that these criticisms are exag­
gerated at best.
"He's simply misguided in his
views on Reslife," said RA Aman
Ka broom. "He's just out to prove
something. Just because his ex­
periences with Reslife were bad,
doesn't mean he has to subject
the rest of us to poor journal­
ism."
The festivities came to end
with a speech by RD David
Rosengard who said, "Reslife is
like a good sex toy. Even if you
don't have a friend in the world,
it will always be there to make
you feel loved."
'Ethnicks' under ~study in Ethnic Studies minor
By Eleanor Vancouver
The Tribune --------------
If you take a random sampling of LC
students you may notice that they tend
to be whiter than Bill Clinton's ass. High
tuition coupled with the socio-econom­
ic realities of society have produced a
school with most white kids. This is an
uncomfortable fact that the liberal ma­
jority is alternately trying to cover up
then expose. Solutions are difficult; we
have a lot of students trying to achieve
faux-diversity by eating sushi, or listen­
ing to Biggie Smalls, but habit is not
skin color, and our society still attaches
a shitload of attention to that second
characteristic. Look at facebook, while
groups representing TMNT and 'Oregon
trail' have dozens of members, BSU only
has 8, and three of them are white. Shit,
Karen's Butt club has nearly twice as
many members as BSU.
The addition of the 'Ethnic Studies'
minor has brought this uncomfortable
issue to a head. Finally the administra­
tion has hit upon a more widespread
solution. The "Import the Ethniks pro­
gram''. Under this program, the college desperately value. Upon arriving on cam­
pus, the ethnicks will be placed in caged
rooms that simulate their home environ­
ment, so that ethnic studies students can
0 b serve them in their natural habitat.
They will be released to roam the cam­
pus on student visitation day. Said Dean
\
will commission several seaworthy ves-Upon arrival, the
sels that can be housed along the Willa-ethnicks will be
mette waterfront.These boats will make placed in caged
several trip to Africa and other countries rooms that simu­
where they will 'collect' young ethnick late their home en­
people to fill the ethnic studies classes. viornment, so that
These Ethniks will be packed tightly in ethnic studies stu­
the bottom of the ships so that more dents can observe
can be obtained and L&C will achieve them in their natu­
greater diversity that the liberals so ral habitat of the College Julio 0e Paulo, "It's great. We they won't bring down the college stats.
can recruit these students for cheap. Some They don't get a real degree either, just a
of the village leaders over there already pretty piece of paper, with 'Diversity' writ­
have applicants waiting for us in rooms ten in a rainbow. But it beats starving, and
they can't get out of. And because we are now visiting parents will get to see a wide
admitting these students under a policy of range of skin color when they visit. It's a
concurrent study called Ethnik enrollment, win-win situation." MORENEWSA3 Palatine Tribune A!fonday,April 1, 2006
LC Yurts: economical, enviornmental, and fun
By Mr. Ed
The Tribune
impossible and expensive. this "organic living experience"
will be intense. Residence Life
staffer Sandi Bottomiller has al­
ready been inundated with veg­
an goods from students hoping
to get a high lottery
number. these kids camped out on lower
campus" described Atkin, "Pete
turned to me and said, 'What's
the point of paying for all these
fancy new apartments if kids are
just sleeping on the The yurts will be
basic, providing
each student with
a cot and storage
trunk. And though
they will lack elec­
tricity, they plan
to take advnatage
of Portland's rainy
weather to provide
running water.
buildings he has paid for any­
more, but for guys like me on the
Board, these yurts are a steal. I
can get a yurt named after me
for a couple grand. I might even
pay for a few." To alleviate the housing
crunch the LC Board of Trustees
has announced plans to open
a new "Environmental Aware­
ness Living Area." Designed to
accommodate at least one hun­
dred students, the new area will
be comprised of a series of yurts
erected on the Pac Man Lawn. The yurts will be basic, pro­
viding each student with a cot
and storage trunk. According to
campus planner Michael Sestric,
"While its impossible to reach
zero impact, these yurts come
pretty close." Though the yurts
will lack electricity, they plan to
take advantage of Portland's
rainy weather to provide running
water. The board arrived
at the decision to
build the new com­
plex after an all night
marathon session. BACK ~i l•J ,l'i lawn anyway?'"
According to At­
kin, within an hour
Chang had organized
a majority coalition The Environmental Aware­
ness Living Area is scheduled to
open next fall. For the lucky hun­
dred or so that are accepted, the
year promises to be at least inter­
esting. "This is the coolest thing
Lewis & Clark has ever, done,"
said Tristian Nunez, a graduate
who still maintains a presence
on campus. "If I play my cards
right, maybe they will hire me as
the RD," he added. In recent yea rs, the College has
found itself in housing crunch as
more students elect to live on
campus and freshman classes
continue to expand. With space
on Palatine Hill in short supply,
simply building new dorms was Initial predictions indicate
that with only about 100 spots,
competition for what the Resi­
dence Life brochure plans to call According to the only student
present, ASLC President James
Atkin, the suggestion came af­
ter a two AM coffee break. "Pete
[trustee Peter Chang] and I were
walking around when we saw
■ Illiterate neocons framed!
Mystery solved: Co-op
steals own coffeepot
By Col. Mustard
The Tribune
The ongoing investigation
into the mysterious disappear­
ance of a Bunn Brewer coffee
maker from the Lewis & Clark
Co-op took an unexpected turn
last Sunday when federal inves­
tigators released the findings
of a DNA test highlighting key
members of the Co-op as prime
suspects in the theft.
In a press release Thursday,
special investigator Ed Burke
stated that cell samples found·
on the brewer and traces of sali­
va on the accompanying ransom
note match genetic imprints tak­
en from Co-op staff as part of the
FBl's Project Liberty. "We've been
taking imprints on potential Bol-sheviks since the Cold War," said
Robert Mueller, head of the FBI,
"and since we hav~ the P~triot
Act, we -don't even have to be
secretive about it!" Cooperative
institutions have said Gertrude Trump ('06). "It re­
ally hurts to find out that your
co-op is using subversive tac­
tics." She added that she's still
confused as to the staff's mo-
tivation for the
been tracked na­
tionwide by the FBI
for decades, but the
trace to the Bunn
Brewer represents
the program's first
instance of success.
The Co-op staff
declined to com­
ment; however, out­
side their ranks the
dilemma has been
the subject of much
debate. "I just don't "I just don't
know what to
believe any­
more .... lt really
hurts to find out
that your co-op
is using subver­
sive tactics." theft.
Professor Bob
Mandel (Interna­
tional Affairs) has
his own theories.
"I think they're us­
ing shadow gov­
ernment tactics
to start a war," he
said. "By demoniz­
ing an ambiguous
-Gertrude Trump enemy-illiterate
know what to believe anymore," hippie-haters­
they strengthen
their own base of support." of the poorer board
members and approved the pro­
posal. In an email response to
this article, Peter Chang stated,
''Life is great if you're someone
like Fred [Fields] who doesn't
even keep track of how many
Head of the FBI Robert Mueller smiles in front of a test
tube. MORENEWSA4
Is it a gesture of international goodwill, or 1s it murder?!?!
Zipline connects LC, Japan
By Jomes Bond . .Jomes. Bond. Aight.
The Tribune
LC is reaching out to the interna­
tional community with the construc­
tion of a zipline between the campus
atop Palatine Hill and the Landmark
Tower in Yokohama, Japan, President
Hochstettler announced in an email
message to the campus this week.
The zipline, which will open in early
2007, will be free to LC students, fac­
ulty staff, and alumni, and available for
a small annual fee to the general pub­
lic. It will be anchored at the top of the
Landmark Tower in Japan, and at the
top of the Agnes Flanagan Chapel o.n
campus.
"We're very excited to stretch out
this new hand of friendship across
the Pacific Ocean," Hochstettler said.
"I am certain that the zipline will inau­
gurate a new era of peace and coop­
eration between our nations-I mean,
their nation and our campus.of course.
Um."
However, the proposal, combined
with Hochstettler's slip of the tongue,
has raised concerns that the zipline
will become a tool for dominance of
Japanese culture, rather than peace
and cooperation. Professor Marty
Hart-Landsberg is spearheading the
anti-zipline movement, tentatively
called No to Western Imperial Ziplines,
or NoWIZ for short.
"Clearly, the President is only seek­
ing ways to increase his domination over all forms of life on this planet,"
Hart-Landsberg said. "It starts with this
seemingly innocent zipline, but mark my
words! Soon it will be LC propaganda
dropped from airplanes, paramilitary
study abroad trips, all the makings of an
oppressive capitalist empire. We must
stop this move toward world domina­
tion at all costs!" have to climb along the line to Ja­
pan, while a student starting from
the Landmark Tower would slide at
an ever-increasing speed across the
ocean, eventually slamming into
the Chapel at speeds in excess of
500mph.
Hochstettler, however, dismissed
both Hart-Landsberg and Olsen's
concerns. "We are talking about Other problems plague
the project, however, and
some doubt that it will
progress far enough for
Hart-Landsberg's fears to
become a reality. "It's fun­
damentally a question of
stretching a piece of nylon
rope across 12,000 miles of
water," said Physics profes­
sor Tom Olsen. "And even
given that the rope can be
kept taut enough for peo­
ple to \ip' across, and that "Clearly, the
President is only
seeking ways building community
here," he said. "For the
first time, we will have
direct transportation
for our Japanese and
foreign-exchange stu­
dents. The zipline will
be faster than ship
and cheaper than air­
plane, and it'll be fun,
gosh darn it!" to increase his
domination
over all forms
of life on this
planet"
weather and volcanic ac-
tivity do not tear it, there's still the basic
problem of height."
Olsen pointed out that the Landmark
Tower is much taller than the Chapel,
meaning that the zipline would be much
higher on one end than the other. "Es­
sentially, what the President is talking
about constructing is a one-way zipline
of death," Olsen said. Using two yard­
sticks, a piece of twine, and an overripe
cherry tomato filched from the Bon, he
demonstrated how a student beginning
at the top of the Chapel would literally H L db Hart-Landsberg, -art-an s erg
LC Professor Olsen, and others re-
main unconvinced.
"It's just a ploy to get the school to
build more toys for his kids," said
SAAB Chair Meredith Price,referring
to the construction of a skateboard
ramp in the basement of the Presi­
dent's house for his sons' use. "They
couldn't fit it in the Cooley House,
so they think they can just make us
pay for it with our student fees."
NoWIZ will be sponsoring a
zipline protest next Tuesday in front
of the Manor House. Palatine Tribune Monday, April 1, 2006
LC replaces
shuttle with
horse-drawn
• carriages
By Norah Jones
The Tribune
The College will replace its shuttle bus ser­
vice with a series of horse-drawn carriage routes,
Transportation and Parking Director Mark Morgan
announced yesterday. The new system is expect­
ed to be both more cost effective and safer than
the RAZ shuttle buses, two of which exploded last
week shortly after converting to biodiesel. The ex­
plosion spattered used vegetable oil across three
lanes of traffic and turned the familiar blue buses
into twisted reflections of their former selves.
"Since the explosion, we've spent a lot of time
thinking about what is best for the College and for
the students," Morgan said. "We thought about
going back to TriMet as our primary transporta­
tion source, but they might try biodiesel someday
too, and frankly, we've had enough of that. We
thought about private cars, about hanggliders,
about just plain walking. But this ended up being
the best choice."
The new transportation system will go into ef­
fect next fall, when the former shuttle bus routes
will be manned by two-horse buggies. The bug­
gies will pick students up and drop them off in
the carriage circle or in front of the Manor House.
A limited number of closed carriages will be kept
on hand in case of inclement weather. Campus
Safety officers will direct equine traffic.
"We feel we have a truly sustainable solution
here," said Provost Jane Atkinson. "Horses are an
extremely renewable resource, and the buggy is a
low-impact, low-maintenance vehicle. They're ex­
actly what we were looking for."
Some fear, however, that the College may have
gone a little too far in its quest to be completely
green.
"We're moving back to the Stone Age here,"
complained Portland Mayor Tom Potter. "Or at
least pre-Industrial Revolution. You can't just re­
introduce buggies into the environment and ex­
pect the economy to sustain the shock. And don't
we have some kind of ordinance about horses,
anyway?"
However, with the recent ban on bicycles and
the proven danger of biodiesel-powered vehicles,
Atkinson and Morgan say the College has been
left with no other option.
"We're looking ahead," said Atkinson. "We're
thinking for the future and for the past. Maybe it's
time that the rest of Portland realized that we re­
ally are that ideal city on a hill."
Old Mark Morgan had a horse. E-1-E-I-Oh. ASLC
seeks
scandal
to get at­
tention
New task.force
explores ways to
make the student
body care
By RICHARD NIXON
The Tribune
ASLC launched a new
offensive last week in the war
to get the campus to pay some
attention to what they do.
"We think that maybe
nobody cares about ASLC
because they can't identify with
us," said ASLC President James
Atkin. "They see us as these
perfect, superior beings without
any human flaws. We want
them to realize that behind the
divinity, student governme.nt
representatives are people too."
To combat this
misperception, ASLC has
established the Scandal Task
Force, which is mandated
to seek out unique and
appropriate scandals that will
connect the students of Lewis &
Clark with their leaders.
"We have some leads, and
we're pursuing them," said Task
Force Chair Jon Ching. "We'll be
holding several fora in the next
few weeks at which students'
opinions will be blatantly
ignored and nepotism will be
rampant. We plan to funnel
money to groups we have ties
to and ignore others. We will
suggest to President Atkin that
he stop appointing student
representatives through a
fair process of application,
and instead move toward
the back room deal _model of
government. We are actively
recruiting a Good Old Boys Club."
Response from the students
has been tepid, to say the least.
"Who are these guys and
what do they do?" said Jim
Hasseldorf, a junior Psychology
major. "Did I elect them?"
"I'm not sure I'd be impressed
by your run-of-the-mill
scandal," said Co-op member
Sarah Whitmer. "I want more, I
expect more from my student
government! It should be big
and flashy, and expensive. They
need to prove to me that they
care." I
MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2006 An exclusive interview
with LC's most famous
alum
Unop esed eandiclates deftated
N ever in
Lewis
&Clark
history
has an
unopposed ASLC
candidate failed to
secure a position. This
year it has happened
twice.
Both Bridget Hudson and
Meredith Price failed to secure
a majority of the vote for the
positions of Vice P~esident of
Community Relations and Vice
President of Student Academic
Affairs respectively, indicating
that voters would rather leave
those positions vacant than
allow them to be filled by this
year's candidates.
Price blamed her loss on the
photocopier. "My (campaign]
posters simply sucked. I
couldn't get the goddamn
photocopier to work so they
came out all pixilated."
Hudson, who failed to
put up any campaign posers
whatsoever, blamed her loss on
the photocopier as well. "I didn't
put up any posters, but if I did
they would have looked terrible.
I think the voters sensed this,
which scared them away from
the polls." •
Hudson also asserted that
putting up poster might have
implied to voters that there was
choice for her position, which
could have encouraged them to
reconsider voting for her.
"I didn't have an opponent,
but if I'd put up posters, it might
have looked like I was trying
to convince people I was the
better option," she said. "I don't Atkin, not even a candidate,
declares victory
Story by Al Gore
think people should live in
a world of illusions, especially if
it's the illusion of choice."
Political hamster Matt
Savage, however, had a very
different theory. "These are
grill_) times,"Savage said,
"and in grim times people
tend to become desperate,
and frightened, and become
incompetent, incapable of r "I don't think peo­
ple should live in a
world of illusions,
especially if it's the
• illusion of choice."
-Bridget Hudson
Vice-President of
Budget and Finance responding to
the situation in
a rational way."
Savage postulated
that voters would
rather have no
one handling their
student fees than "a
couple of people who
couldn't even work a copy
machine."
Current ASLC President
James Atkin, in the meantime,
claimed victory even though he
is graduating and is not on the
ballot for any position.
"I am the king of the world!"
he screamed, running through
the halls ofTempleton. "I am the
winner! YEAH!" Atkin was later
spotted singing "We Are the
Champions" outside the Manor
House.
Student Jim Chatham, whose
campaign posters were prolific
but unspecific as to which
position he was running for, was
jubilant over Price and Hudson's
losses.
"Clearly, since those two
spots were left unfilled by the
elections, and I did not state
which position I was running
for, I should be both the
Vice-President of Budget and
Finance and the Vice-President
of SAAB," he said in a press
statement. "The voters could
obviously tell that my mad
copy machine skilz and my
reluctance to club baby Harp
seals made me the stronger
candidate."
Chatham also contested
Atkin's claims of victory.
"I wasn't here last year, but
I'm skeptical about his claim of
victory last year too," he said.
ASLC is plagued by acronyms, incoherence
By C3PO
The Tribune
Many student§ have recently
become aware of a strange
pattern in the language of
student government officials.
Students involved in Executive
Council (EC) and the Activities
Congress (AC) have always
incorporated acronyms into
_ their everyday speech on a
regular basis. Acronyms such
as "LCMC" (Lewis & Clark Music
Coalition) or"SAAB" (Student
Academic Affairs Board) are
frequently thrown around, b~t
this year it seems like these
simple combinations of letters
have taken over the hearts and
minds of student government
leaders. Just last week Professor
John Fritzman said he was
discussing the concept of self­
identity in his philosophy class
when Congress Representative
Brandon Wiebe interruptep,
"I'm on the SAOC in the AC. We
used to be SOFA, until the BRC
changed things. Now, we need
ROPs." Wiebe was unfazed as
the class -and the professor
-remained in silent confusion
for several minutes.
In another shocking example
of acronym-induced hysteria,
Maura Ross, First Speaker for
the Activities Congress, was
asked to speak at the annual
Scholarship Recognition
Luncheon. Everything was
going fine, until Ross started
discussing how the CPC, GAC, and GMMC are all working well,
but the CSOC needed help from
the VP for SO. One alum from
the class of 1954 commented,
"You kids sure do have a
different way of speaking. In my
day, we used words!"
Finally, in a press conference
prior to the spring elections,
Scott Devlin, Chief Elections
Officer (CEO) made an extremely
perplexing presentation, said
attendees. "As CEO, I will work
closely with the ETO, EPO, and
ETC to oversee these elections,"
Devlin announced. No one in
the room knew exactly what
he was referring to, and one
Piolog staffer noticed James
Atkin, student body president,
searching his bylaws for a
translation. So, why has student
government chosen to use a
continual stream of acronyms
as their new speech pattern?
Maybe it is in an attempt to
connect with other student
organizations, including BSU,
GLU, OFCS, SEED, CSC, SMB,
NSU, MUN, ISLC, and OPP.
Or, perhaps these student
leaders, from ASLC or any of
the aforementioned student
groups, are just trying to mirror
the habits of the outside world,
full of the FBI, CIA, FDA, NSA, IRA,
FAA,NASA,and FEMA.
These acronyms could
just bring all of us to a higher
level of efficiency that keeps
the world turning. Or, maybe,
they're all just TGTBT (too good
to be true). Palatine Tribune Jl1onrlr~J~ April 1, 2006 ASlCllFE D2
LC alumna seeks new life, world leaders
Woman on a mission: dress to impress
JV! onica shares all
in an exclusive
AJJfl/_ interview
(;,;ith the _Palat:ine
Tribune
By PAULA JONES
The Tribune
LCFASHIONPOLICE: hey
monica. Wut up?:)
lnTeRn_dlvA 1998: hi,
LCFASHIONPOLICE. WAN2TLK?*
LCFASHIONPOLICE: I just have
a couple questions to ask you
about what you're wearing
these days.
lnTeRn_dlvA 1998: PLZ ask.
LCFASHIONPOLICE: So,
Monica.Tell me what you're
wearing?
lnTeRn_dlvA 1998: Well, today
I decided to wear something
a little different. I'm sporting
a neon blue tank top that's
made out of this fabric that
makes it look fuzzy. Everybody
wants to pet it. On top of
the tank top, I'm wearing this
tiger striped jacket, which
matches my high heels. I didn't
buy them together and the
patterns are slightly off. But
it works. I bought them both
at Nordstrom rack and I got
the shirt from Target. I really
love that store. Sometimes I
pronounce it Tar-jeh.
LCFASHIONPOLICE: Who was
your fashion icon in the white
house?
lnTeRn_dlvA1998: holdon,MoS.
LCFASHIONPOLICE: oh, sorry.
lnTeRn_dlvA 1998: okay, to
tell you the truth, no one in
the white house really dresses
that well. I mean, hilary has her
days, but over all she just looks
like an old hag dressed in pink.
Ken Starr always told me to just
KISS. So I did, you see that with
the blue dress. Nothing frilly or
fancy. Just simple. ART BY CHELEA CLINTON
Monica Lewinsky's..exploits not only moved a nation, but have since inspired many dramatic works of, umm, art. Yes.
LCFASHIONPOLICE: the blue
dress. Where did you get that?
lnTeRn_dlvA 1998: normally I
tell people to MYOB when they
ask me that. But I'll tell you. Bill
and I went shopping on one
of the few times we hung out
outside of the white house. We
were walking and I found this
dress hanging in the window at a Ross. At first he didn't want
to buy it for me and was like,
"CMON!" But I Begged and
pleaded and he finally bought
it for me. He could be a decent
guy,KNIM?
LCFASHIONPOLICE: uh, not
really. But that doesn't matter.
lnTeRn_dlvA1998: BRB.
lnTeRn_dlvA 1998: Okay, back. LCFASHIONPOLICE: Who
taught you how to dress?
lnTeRn_dlvA 1998: Janet
Reno always told me to dress
to impress. Of course, there
were days when I didn't feel like
wearing anything but sweats,
but I had to show up in court.
LMAO. Linda Tripp would come
over and get me out of bed. She'd go through my closet and pick
the BEST clothes for me to wear. I
always looked good in court.
LCFASHIONPOLICE: well, I
think that's it. Thanks, Mon.
BTW you looked great in that
last photo op for the Real
Monica Inc.
lnTeRn_dlvA 1998: LOL.
Thanks! TTYL!!! : > )
Real Women are really hot
Of course, you'fe not a real woman unless we say so. And you can't be a real woman unless
you use our expensive products that won't make you look like these women because they
haven't invented a way to airbrush human beings yet. So you pretty much have a snowball's
chance in hell of measuring up to our models. But you'll buy our crap anyway. LEWIS & CLARK'S CHOICE FOR FAIR AND BALANCED NEWS
Evolution advances Vampires ruin blood drive Jesus walks ...
on campus Only Rick Santorum is surprised Need we say more?
SECTIONE • The Messiah makes a surprise
appearance!
MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2006
South Campus tower picks up ghost signal
The •
ea
are s ea
By BRUCE CAMPBELL
The Tribune
ince the completion S of the Verizon wireless
cell phone tower in
South Campus last
July, a number of
Lewis & Clark students
have filed reports with the
Verizon Company complaining
of unwanted phone solicitation
by deceased Portland residents.
While the administration has
hitherto dismissed the incidents
as series of bizarre pranks,some
experts are now suggesting that the
tower may have intercepted a rogue
signal from the Land of the Dead.
"Hypothetically speaking,
it's a question of parameters,"
said Alphred P. Lungdiddy,
Chapman's scholar of the Occult
at Boston University."Almost nothing can move as far or as
fast as a radio wave ... they can
come from almost anywhere
with very little distortion." It
seems perfectly feasible, he said,
that such waves might move
trans-dimensionally, from one
plane of existence to anpther.
The first report to raise the
suspicions of authorities like Mr.
Lungdiddy was filed on July 15 by
Milton Khan. Khan said that it was
only after the fact that he realized
he'd spoken with the Dead.
"It was complete
coincidence," he said."Tuesday
afternoon I got a call from some
lady who identified herself
Marge Boyton, and it's a weird
call, see, with this static that
doesn't sound like static but,
you know, rattling chains and
such; but I tell her it's a wrong
Student evolves
a second brain
By HWANG WOO-SUK believe, and when I'm on a
deadline I can set the two The Tribune brains up in different Arcadian
A Lewis & Clark student rhythms so that I never actually
reported the mutation of a fully have to go to sleep."
functional second brain-like "On the weekends, I used
organ on the exterior of his to spend a fortune on booze,"
skull, apparently the result of he added,"but now I just pou'r
combined midterm stress and a shot of something on my
overexposure to cell phone exterior brain and Wowza, I'm
radiation. The student, Randle set for the night!"
Myers ('09), is currently under Myers said that the auxiliary
intense investigation by the brain has been growing
Federal Government, the steadily on the top of his head
Catholic Church and Marvel for almost a month, and that
Comics. it appears to be nearly fully
Despite the post-mutation formed. He is concerned,
stress and outside scrutiny, however, at the possibility that it
Myers has hitherto kept his might become an autonomous
composure. "Sure, evolving life form, a possibility that arose
a second brain takes a lot after the organ developed eyes
of nutrients out of your and began speaking garbled
bloodstream, but it also has Portuguese. If it were to leave
its upsides," he said. "I can him, Myers said, he would
multitask like you wouldn't SEE SECOND BRAIN/PAGE 2 number and
that's that. Only
I happened to
check out the
obituaries later
that day, and
there she was,
killed in a car
accident just
the day before.'
Other reports /
have been more f ;
disquieting.
Jane Gamble
has reported
three separate
incidents of
ghostly phone
calls since July,
and claims that
~he is ~i~g Students have been complaining about calls from dead Portland residents
aun!~c~uJPAGE, since the installation of a cell phone tower on South Campus last July.
College reaches out and
recruits extraterrestrials
LC plans trip to Alpha no go beyond it? Why not reach a interstellar travel.
little further outside the box?" In the meantime, Caldwell
Centauri in search of Accordingly, Ethnic Student and his team will prepare by
diversity Services and the Admissions undergoing an intense program
Department will be pairing up of physical and mental fitness,
~ELLIE ARROWAY to send LC's first recruitment although it will not include any
e Tribune team to Alpha Centauri. language instruction.
Ethnic Student Services "It's an amazing opportunity," "To be frank, we haven't
announced a new strategy for. said Greg Caldwell, who has actually made contact with
recruiting minorities this week, been chosen as the mission's any intelligent life out there,"
in response to a problem that leader. "I've been to many Webb admitted. "So we can't
has plagued the Lewis & Clark places in my time here, and I've prepare Greg and his crew or
Admissions office for years. seen LC reach out to many new tell them what to expect. But
"We have very little diversity groups, but I never thought I'd we anticipate that whatever's
on this campus, and we've be getting on a spaceship for LC." out there will be both intrigued
found it difficult to increase The recruitment team, which by our programs and will fit the
the number of minorities, even will consist of Caldwell, Curtis qualifications of a student at LC."
with aggressive recrt1itment Johnson, Angie McGinnis Webb said that the
techniques," said Lisa Webb, and Larry Meyers, will fly in a Admissions Department will
Director of Ethnic Student spaceship operated on gecko encourage an Alpha Centaurans
Services, referring to last year's power from Professor Kellar to apply Portfolio Path, since the
failed attempt to bioengineer Autumn's labs. The ship design grading scale there is unlikely
minority students in the basement was first tested two years ago to translate easily into a GPA
of Bodine. "So we thought: if we in a flight to the moon, and measurement on a 4-point scale.
can't get them in this world, why Autumn says it is now ready for SEE C£NTAURI/PAGE 2 Palatine Tribune JJ/londa,y, April 1, 2006 PARANORMAL E2
Jesus joins tour group, makes dinner Cell:
changed,"said .__.__ D d •
By THE ~EAD OF JOHN THE BAPTIST groundskeeper • ' . ea
The Tribune Harry Felding. • azr
T he campus was taken
by unawares last
week by a surprise
visit from none other
than Jesus Christ,
popularly referred to as the Son
of God. The Messiah was first
spotted trailing a tour group
outside the library, and word of
his appearance spread quickly
from there, sparking confusion,
debate, and hasty preparations
for Armageddon.
"I was totally caught off­
guard," said student Esther
Goldberg, who was leading the
tour. "I was just doing my usual
spiel about Summit when I
looked back and was like, 'Holy
shit, is that Jesus?'" "I will always
remember this
day as the day I
saw Jesus."
LC quarterback
Scott Moyer
said that Jesus
had a special
message for LC's
beleaguered
football team.
"He got us all in
a huddle, then
told us God had
PHOTO BY MATHEW. MARK, LUKE AND JOHN ■Frornpage 1
don't know they want with me,''
she said."Unless maybe it's my
ex-boyfriend, which would make
sense because I had him killed."
Lungdiddy has also
suggested that trans-corporeal
communication might be a
relatively new phenomenon.
"I see a clear shift with the
proliferation of cell phone
technology," he said."ln ancient
Egypt, it was believed that the
possessions you were buried
with accompanied you to the
World of the Dead ... perhaps
those who develop a strong
attachment to phones in this life
carry them as a spiritual artifacts
into the next." "It kind of changed my
opinion of the campus," said Ari
Cohen, who was on Goldberg's
tour with his mother. "We were
thinking that this was a nice,
relaxed place where religion
wasn't so important and then
bang! There was Jesus Christ." a Special Plan for
us, which would
be revealed when
and if we actually
got enough
people to field a
real team," Moyer
said. "As he
spoke, I could feel
my morale lifting, Jesus said he found the stairs in Howard daunting and unfriendly to per­
sons ~earing crosses. A few concerned parents
have raised their voices over
the issue, but Cingular is
pleading ignorance and the
college's administration has yet
declined to take serious action
After his tour, Jesus made
appearances in Pamplin Sports
Center, the Bon, where he
produced an entire meal out of
a piece of tofu and a spoonful of
dry pasta, and the back Forest
parking lot, where he reminded
students that God hates people
who talk loudly on cell phones
late at night. He stopped in the
Chapel for a quick nap, then
glanced at his Blackberry and
announced that he was moving on.
"My life has been completely feel hope springing eternal to
my human breast. It was like
he raised me from the dead or
something."
Others were not so
impressed. "It's not really that
special,"said Eddie Khan,a
resident of Forest. "Remember
that TeDeVan guy from last fall?
It's clear to me that LC is just
becoming a magnet for creepy
guys with white robes and long
hair who like to meditate and do
weird shit."
Khan's friends quickly
pointed out to him that, aside
from the white robes, that was a
fairly accurate description of LC students in general.
"See what I mean?"he added.
''We've all got a little bit of Jesus
inside us."
"I thought the end of the
world was coming," said
Nora Elbert, a member of the
Christian organization OFCS. "I
mean, that's one of the major
signs of the EndTimes,Jesus
showing up. It's not something
that happens as often as you
might think."
Regardless of Khan's
concerns, however, Jesus'
presence has changed the
campus, perhaps for good. The
administration has already
Of course grandma lwes you, honey.
But if she feeds you, she can't afford medicare
That's why it's over the fence with you made plans for a memorial
plaque to be placed at the
sites of his appearance and his
nap, and the Religious Studies
Department will be instituting
an endowed Chair in his
memory. And perhaps greater
changes are in 'Store.
"I think it's time we got back
to our religious roots," said Mark
Duntley, Dean of the Chapel.
"We've been known as a school
that ignores God on a daily
basis, but it doesn't have to be
that way. I mean, ignoring God
makes a lot of sense, but I think
Jesus is too much a presence in
all our lives to be ignored now." against the forces of darkness.
"Do what I do," said President
Hochstl'ttler,"Call Ghostbusters."
On the bright side, Associated
Student Necromancers
Of Lewis & Clark report
excellent reception in their
communications with the dead.
"You used to have walk all the
way down to the graveyard to
talk to wayward spirits," said
Angelina Bottlebrow, Vice­
President of ASNLC, "But now
you can commune from just
about anywhere."
Second brain
■From page 1
be sad. "I've become quite
attached to it," he added.
Evolutionists and
creationists alike scrambled to
accommodate their theories to
the new development. "We're
exploring the possibility that it's
a miracle,"said Stephen Meyer,
director of the Discovery Institute'
Center for Science and Culture.
"However, to be fair, we have not
yet ruled out the influence of a
time traveler or extraterrestrials.
Or vampire sheep." God declined
to comment.
Proponents of evolution
espoused their own theories
and dissent. Charles Darwin,
the father of modern evolution,
granted a brief telephone
interview from beyond the
grave. "I don't believe it,"he
said. "That's not how evolution
works at all." Only after Myers
successfully reproduces
offspring carrying the second
brain trait will true evolution
have occurred, he said.
Marvel Comics have petitioned for a patent on
Myers' status as an X-man, but
they have as of yet been rejected.
"After all," said Judge Kelly, who
rejected the petition,"He might
use his powers for evil, which
would make him a super-villain."
In spite of the hubbub
surrounding it, the brain itself
has remained remarkably
upbeat."l'm going to eat you all,"
it shouted repeatedly during the
Tribune's interview with Myers.
Centauri: LC trip
■ From page 4 be traveling at only a fraction of
However, Caldwell stressed, speed of light, and the current
patience will be key. "Since estimate for a one-way trip
Alpha Centauri is approximately are around 50 years. And that
four light years away, even doesn't even take into account
traveling at the speed of light it the time we'll need to locate
would take us eight years to go sentient beings, learn their
and come back," he said. "Even language,and explain the concept
Kellar's geckoes can't get us of the liberal arts education. So
going that fast, though, so we'll this is a long-term plan."