Title
The Pioneer Log: Lewis & Clark College's Student-Run Newspaper
Description
[Volume 67, Mossy Log]
Subject
Lewis & Clark College Student Newspaper
Creator
Pioneer Log Staff
Date
2003-04-01
Format
pdf
Type
newspaper
Rights
For questions about rights statements, or access to the original document please contact Lewis & Clark College Special Collections and Archives http://specialcollections.lclark.edu
http://rightsstatements.org/vocab/InC/1.0/
http://rightsstatements.org/vocab/InC/1.0/
Full Text
LEWIS & CLARK'S CHOICE FOR FAIR AND BALANCED NEWS
You've got mail
Mullbeny replaced
wirh carrier pigeons
--See MORE NEWS, 4
TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2003 The tides turn
Naval crew replaced with
Org.for Peace & Politics
•• See MORE NEWS, 3
PUBLISHED EVERY APRIL FOOL'S DAY
SAAB Vice l'rcsidem candidate
D•vesh Khanal was eliminated,
as w:is student reprt':,enrntive
candidate Colleen Zarkowski. By
the end of the rampage, <>nly one
legitimate candidate was left in
euch contested race.
"Swofford really was voting
from the clock tower," said Dc>an
of Stl\dtnLS Jon Eldridge. "Heh
hch! Uh ... yeah."
A recent addition to the Inventing America
faculty shows Lewis & Clark the true power
of focused determination ... and ammo ·Amhonyscommitment to the
dcrnocratic process is commend
able: said Dean Cunis Jolmson.
•Jt's wonderful 10 see hnn seuing
an example for our students that
by JOHN WILKES BOOTH
The Trihune
The resumption of hostili
ties with Iraq proved too much
for Lecture.r of Humanities An
thony Swofford, who served as
a sniper in the first Gulf War.
~tonning ou1 of his office on the
founh-lloor of Miller with "wild
e)-es: Swofford was sighted
hc.1Chng .south to Lh1,.; ,;1ud~n1~
residence area or campus.
All wa, quiet unul early Fn·
dny, when the steady <:rack of a
sn,pcr rifle was heard ovc_r the
rush to 9:10 classes. StUdenL~
were gunned down m ,heir
tracks C'lr ran screammg ,mo
Ma~ic's Cafe.
"It wa.s utter chaos." said ,\n
drcw Chatting, a student living
in Ea,1 I !all. "I wa.s ju>1 walkmg
to class with my fric_nd, and he just dmpped and blood splat
tered everywhere."
Chatting said he spoued a
black-dad figure hidden by t.he
clock tower drawing a bead on a
student near him. •1 looked up,
and it was Amhony Swofford,
tha, ex-Marine guy we've got
tcadung the Inventing Amrnca
classes: said Chamng.
"I le was just up on there v.1th
his olrl rifle, uucrly pitlless:
Chniung ton1lnucd.
It soon became clear, though,
that Swofford wa., not shooting
al random. With itudcm gov
l'mment elections underway,
contested elections had their
candidates wh!ltlccl down to one
each by the end of Swofford';
rampage
lnthe president~ race, bothSn
tya Byock and write-in candidate
Nell Tessman were eliminated by
Swofford!; Mannc-tramed aim_ "It's wonderful
to see Anthony
Swofford setting
the example that
every vote really
does count. 11
-Dean Curtis Johnson
every vote really dO<!S count. Or
eve.ry few."
i',01 everyone was as foll of
praise for Swoffords dernocrati~
acuons. •1 was always a bit suspi
cious of h,m: said Jeff Marshall,
a student in Swoffords lnve,1t•
lng America "I le seemed pretty
tight-laced. Docs this mean that
just anyone could take• rifle up
10 some high paint and 'register
1heiropinion?'" i Who's yo' daddy?
i All authority replaced
\ with Ethan Chutkow
--See Silll MORE NEWS, 6
IT'S A JOKE, PEOPLE
Who says one vote doesn't count? Swofford takes aim.
A search of Swofford~ ollice pus Safety, I am G<>d."
revealed a note explaining his Swofford could not he
acuons.
"For 100 long this school has
taught nonviokm protest. I'm
doing 1h1s to show another way
of "protesting.• the note read in
pan. The note ended with, "Cam-reached for comment.
1\ second gunman was seen
picking off pa;;_<ersby from the
rock wall above the Cmssy
Knoll. No suspects have been
named :ts ycL.
Partovi: Democracy really is "like a cup of Lipton tea''
LC s favorite Persian
explains the simplicity
of transitional govern
ments
by ALI-HOSEINI-KHAMENEI
The 7l-i/June
LC Senior Lecturer of lnter
nanonal Affairs Cyn,s Partovi
opined on tl,c nature of democ
mcy a1 a recent forum, cxt0l•
liDg i1_s ease and simplidly. "It's
nm • complicated thing, really.
he remarked from 1hc podium.
'L,,ok at the United Slates: we
sunply prim a few ballots, and
the proccs. more or less takes
care ()f !lself •
Asked about the leasibility of
ms111uung dcmocr~c)' m a fo,
t1gn n,mon such as lmq. Panova
appeared sudden!)• excued, and
further cxplaiocd: -,he 1ra11s1tion
from rigid military dictatorship
to libernl democratic republic is
nkin m flipping a light-switch_
Once )'OU add a "Peoplel, Repub
lic or· 10 a CO\IJllT)'S nanle, most _,r the work Is d~ne."
When questioned about the
difficulty of changmg the l'lews
and at mu des of 22 million Iraqi
cilizens cow:1rd thtir govern•
mem, l'anovi cominued: 'Thmk
of the process :is a cup of Lipton
"The Iraqi peo
ple are ... ready
to be infused
with the deep,
rich flavor of
liberalism. 11
-Cyrus Partovi
ten. The I raq1 ~ople are the hot
water, ready to be 111fused wtth
the deep, rich flavor of liberal
ism. Our dcmocmtic ideals are
the 1eab.1g, hursting with the var
ied spices of equal represematiC>n
,md free-market opportunity.
Dip the teabag into the rnp, and
the water begins Immediately to
change color and navor, c"Orrect? Such qmck magic 1s ,mperial
i.sm.~
The professor was asked how
a process might play out in the
Middle East in the weeks l\l
come. "Give it 3 days or so after
Hussein loses power; he re-sponded. "People should be well
on thc,r way t<> frohck,ng in the
streets, clad only m dreadlocks
and Iraqi nags."
"In foci: Panov, quickly add
ed. "we may as well go take care
of Iran while wc.tre tu it."' LC Lecturer
Cyrus Partovi
demonstrates
the instant
transition pro
cess between
hostile dictato
rial regimes and
strong, healthy
democratic
republics.
Asked tr I ip1<1n Tea had nny
par11cular significance over uther
major brnnds, Partovi re,,-p<111ded
• I suppose not. l'ea b 1<:1, rc~II)\
But I hear ~r.'lzo mnke~ a mean
Chamomile. I sure d() like that
Chamomile_• 2NEWS
ll£ Palatine Tribune
EDITOR•IN-UilEf: EBOLA ELLEN
Ntw.a EDITOR: BRONCHlllS Bill
FORUM EDITOR: RUBELLA RACHEL
FF.Aru•Es Eo,ro•: LOCKJAW L1SA
A•TS Eoiro•: T uo!RCULosIs T,M
Sro•rs Eono•: GANGRENE GREG
CALENDAR Eo1ToR: Go.'1oRRHEA
GENE
STAFF WRmRS: MALARIA M1KE,
OvPTHERIA DAVI:, HEPATITIS
HARRY, MENINClllS MN<, 5"-V.ll-
POX STEVE
CONTRIBIJTING WRITERS: SHINGLES
SUSAN
PHOTOGRAPHER: INFlU£NZA IKE
Co,v Eo1roRS: CONJUNCrMns
CATHY
COMPVHR SPfCIAlJST!WtB MAS•
TER: TETANUS TERRY
Aos MANACER: CHLAMYDIA CAT
ADVISOR: SYP>IIUS SALL y
THE PAlATINE TRIBUNE SERVES
TO THE LEWIS & CLAI\K
,iii)
COMMUNITY ON ISSUES Of
TO STUDENTS. WE
noun
ARE COMMITTED TO THE FREE
AND ARTICULATE EXPRESSION
OF -,,..,..-· WE DO NOT
DISCRIMINATE BASED ON _,
noun
GENDER, SEXUAL , DIS· ..w
ABILJTY, ACE OR CLASS. WE
TH£ RIGHT TO REFUSE TO
7ii'o
PRINT ANY -~~-ADVERTIS~
ad/ec#ve
MENT, SUBMISSION, OR ARTICLE
THAT DOES NOT THE -~
STANDARDS OF THE PAlATINE
TRIBUNE.
ADvERTISfMENTS, -===e::-plun,l noun
TO THE EDITOR AND EDITORIALS
00 NOTNECES5.'IRILY ~iii/6=
THE OPINIONS Of THE PAlATINE
TRIBUNE OR LEWIS & CLARK
COLLEGE.
SEND ====- BY MAIL, ·FAX
piuralnovn
OR ELECTRONIC MAIL TO:
Tiu Plw\tNt 1..:,av"-f
0615 SW P"'-'""'-""' Ro.
MSC 121
P(>l11A"'1). OR 97219
,.. ..... , (503) 766-7146
£....,wu r10LOC@I.Q.Ak.r...t.UU
KfTp:J/\\'\\W.lO/llK.rQVOlt<:/P,(J(.00
THE. PAl,'.llM TtttUlJSt ~ k..:...ot.O (ly ~
SIIJVCN"I fllS..
A persotral 1101e: Dr. Pllmplin. Wt'
/o,'e you dear/>: U~ worship tht!
ground )'OU walk otL Please Jon>
sue us. Please. Seriously. LCUPDATE
News of lewis & Clark in brief
ACADEMIC AFFAIRS
SAAB votes to purchase
horse tranquilizers,
"neat" sound system
SAAl1 ,·med unanimously with
one abstcntlo11 last Thurs<lar Lo
lL~e the $9.000 available for re
search grams 10 buy A I.OT ol
killer weed, booze. kegs. hard
core drugs. and horse Lra□quil
izers. Some of the mone)' will
also be spent on a really "neat
sound system and a D.J. lnste,icl
1>! reviewing research gram ap
plica1 ions this Sunday, SM11 will
11,-: the $9,000 worth of drugs to
h<Jtbox Miller i04 and throw a
raging party.
"Dude, it\; gomg 10 be so
phat!" said P,-ythology SAAB Rep
Chris M urrny. "I bCL 'rimmy' will
gN so thrashed tliat she'd take off
her clothes if I asked her Lo."
SAAl1 decided LO use the mon
ey for a party instead of funclmg
th.i:; semesters research grant ap
phcams smce. according to SAAB
Chair Amy Ulhs, mosl of the ap•
phcauons Sl\'\ll gets are smpid.
"The studenlS who appl)• m:v
er wanl to do any prestigWtL~ or
amazing work, ~uch a.,; studying
the biodiversity of Arthropods in
,mi11g logs. filming :t poignam
documentary on one's father. or
ptming on a full ,<;ale-eleciromc
opera." sa,d LUliS, "It~ alwa~
mamby pamb)' stulT such ns some
moron as~mg us to fund him for
1he baking soda he need, for hb
model volcano or 10 pay n:,c,arch
assi3lants hJ surf the. imtm~t
for L,'mI pa~~ they plagiarize.
ISAABI ilwuglu the money would
be better spent getung 1he bo:1rd
lrcallr r•·• .. -upl •
Among 1he $Mil members
most exc11ed about the pany
was 5MB Faculty ,\dvisor Joho
Fritzman. "I'm going 10 get LO
go Lo a college panyl" thtc bald
Philosophy professor said as his
,·yes sparkled and he clapped his
hands 111 joy. Anmher reason given for
throwing tJ1e pany was that some
of 1hc money could be spent buy
mg Biochemistry SAAB Rep Mika)
. hennan horse tranqmllzcrs.
"I love horse 1ranquihzcrs•·
saiJ Sherman.
ADMINISTRATION
Jon Eldridge "totally •
stoked" on LC Snow
In :m interview last week,
Dean of Studcms Jolin Eldridge
revealed his intense passion for all
snow ,p1,1ns and hi.s "special love
of 'boarding." "I ju,L adore it." he
said, "There\< no feeling in Lhe
world comparable 10 the freedom
)'OU gt:t n.s )'OU ny down the slope
It~ <>Ul or 1h1, world:
F.ldridge, who rides goor)• and
prefers to board freesoyle. is quilc
1 he acrompUshed anmeur-league
boarder He snagged a ,econd
place in syncopated downhill free
style and an honorable memi<>11 al
last years Oregon X-Games, and
was subsequent!)' offered a po"·
tlon on the U.!,. Olympic team.
wh,ch he turned down. 'I just
couldn\ bring myself 10 aban
don my work al the College. I
me,in, here I feel Like I'm actuali)'
inlluenc,ng the world for the be1-
ter-l just Cl1n'1 see snowboarding
bringing abom world peace Es
pccrnllr 11(11 Willi l'l1>lurbcd ph•r
mg m the background • Eldridge
is confident, 1hough, tha1 he will
coniinue 10 tnumph 10 a111a1eut
competition: "I'm the Dean of
Stuc.lents I nlways wiJl."'
~ldridg(• denied any tenswn
beLwcen hun>ell and I.C Snow ·11
was ju,1 a li11 le 1msuncler,;1and
mg." he said. "we w(lrkcd it ou1
Stephens a great gu)< .. a pal D011'1
let anyone 1cll )'OU olherwbe.'
When asked abou1 his plans
ror the weekend. Eldridge
laughed. ·'Whal do you think? I'll
be hilting the slopes w1lh LCS."
"In fact." whispered Ekhidge. "I
might even get stoked ror I he <>C·
casionl" Palatine Tribune Tuesday, April I, 2003
STUDENT ORG'S
Org. for Peace & Politics
finds anonymous note
The OrganizaLion for Peace
and Politics, a swdcm-run orga
niz...1tion which has heen I he main
voice aga.im•t the war on c.un•
pus, received a semi-thremening
anonymous note litst week
·1 he note, composed enttrel)'
of char.icters cut otu of maga
z111es. read ,inly "TRY F7."
,\ brief l11vcs1iga11on by C:im
pu, :,,1fe1y revealed Lha1 F7 is the
ker used 10 trigger ·,rell check"
in Microsoft \.\1ord.
Officer David Becker hypo1h
es1zed 1ha1 1he note might have
been refemng ti> th, gross spell
ing ermrs in OPPS posttrs, which
led many students m believe that
OPP actually st0od for •orgaiza•
ti011 for Peace asd roll1 lcs."
•w~ are ou1ragecl by I he sug
gestion I ha1 our signs S.1)' any
Lhing we don, intend them 10."
s.11d OPP member Megan L111d
h.:,Jm. "An)'way. F7 is for s1ss1es."
GRADUATES
Grad to receive Invent
ing America degree
John Ayscough, 3n LC se
nior. will graduate in only six
shon weeks. Like many seniors,
he1 1101 q_uiLe sure what th> aflcr
graduation. Blu i\y:><:ough face, •
slightly more complicated dlif1n
ma -having majored in ln\lent•
ing t\mcnca, he~ uot :,ur.: hc.,w
u1e degree will be.ncftt !um 111 the
·real world."
• i found I ha, the classes
in lnvenling America re:iUy
insp1ring ... Lhc cl.isscs, 1hc male•
rial. evC1)'thu1i. so.,cl Aysc!'ugh
"from 1ha1 lir..L ,cmc>1cr. I knew
whnt I wamcd 1,, do w11h my"').
lcgc career
~lowcvcr. Ayscoui;h believed
he W:lS stud)'mg lmernauonal Af ..
fairs, a recognized major. "Well,
everyone refers 10 ii us IA any•
w.1y," he said in•defense. "'how
was I 10 k11<>w lhey me:ml mo1 her
department?"'
"I've no ,den how he slipped
through our system," !'aid Regt;;• orar Dell Smith,
Arter learning 1hn1 the dcj\re~
he struggled wi1h for four years
is meaningles~ outside Lewis &
Clark, and Lhal ,he program itself
may b.:! phased om in the corrung
rears. Ayscuugh wa., "hearlbr.>
ken 4"
"i\11 1hosc analyse.s of Plato);
cave ... DeTocqucv,llc ... all that,
me.111u1gless?" Ay!ICough askt'.cl.
Af1er graduati,>n, Ar-
scough plans 10 enroll m the
Peace Corps, where he can
S!">rt"ad tlw t~achings of ln\'ent ..
mg t\mt.:rit::i acros~ Llat.' gl,,bi.:
STUDENT LIFE
Haick's hair revealed
lm'C$1lgauve reporu.ng hr the
Pala11ne Tribune has final))' un
covered I he true hair color ol Erm
tlaick. cdil or in chief or rival pa
per the Pion.-a l.og. Though I l,1ick
j:, we.II.known around Gl111pus ror
hrightlr drcd hair in shades rmm
green 10 purple, the Tribu11c can
«·veal that 1hc tru1h 1s far more
freak,sl, -lla,ck', natural loo~
,s a red. green. yellow. and black
plaid. which r~markably hold; ILs
p31lt'rn r,·grircllc.,s of ~t }'IC.
A reporter for the l'nlaunc
Trlhu11c pcrsunally observed the
1hrec-hour blcadung-and-d)'·
ing proc.t_1;s used 10 cova up hn
freakish locks. When confrontrd
by the Tribune ab<>Lll her I rue hair
color, Ha,ck Wll$ ln111ally clefi
am. bul evenrually broke down
in ang.s1-ncldcn. goth cnes. ·II I
cnuld onl)• be a natur:11 blo11de1
sh,• sobbctl. "I'd Gmlly lit in with
I he rest uf LC,
James Christie
gets laid
:,yndicated colu111nb1 ancl big
man l>ll campus Jamt:"S Cltni,ll<'.
famflu.-, fnr makmg hi.s love lifl'.
(or lack therc,,O publlr domain.
has lv>I lu, v11g11111y :11 !1,111g
l:J....;1 Ch n!'tJ~ rdu:-.t.·d to name
1lw "luckr lady.' lcaJ1ng ,um<
lO doub1 his chum I le wa:i c;;i
gcr-to describe the encoun1e.r m
detnU. however, ancl has po,Lcd
a Jund narration with nn Ulw,
ll:lle<l appendix c,I p<>si1lons em•
ployed ou1,ide the ASI.C officr
Among the many fl.'at urcd wc·rt
1he ",1111kb11g" anti 111'' "hungry
giraffe.· Palatine Tribune Tuesday, April 1, 2003 MORENEWS3
Ashcroft names Pamplin Society terrorist group
The group's "reign
of terror" will come
to an end, says the
Attorney-General
by JANET RENO
The Tribune
Speaking Crom the sieps or
the United Statcts capl1_al. Al•
1ornt)' Gcnu,d John t\shcrorL
labded 1he Lewis & Clark
Pamplin SodCI)' a front for an
in1crna1ioual a terrorist organl•
:ation. He declared 1he Soc1tty~
"re.ign ur ltrror ... was twer, and
Lhat leaders would soon be taktn
Into custod)~
11The exch1s1,·c n:uurc of the:
Pnmphn SOC't<ly -Lheir secret
mutmg:,, ~ere\ ro01ns, and un•
~c1fied ·community service
proicclS nil point 10 • dangerously
subversive acltvtues," Ashc;rofl
""'' "They use the Lewis & Clark
nuernauonal focus to bring fellow
conspmnors from other coun
tries, to plot against Amenca from
the inside: said Ashcrof1.
·under the leadership of Cur
tis Johnson. codednamed "CuJo.'
lhe Sociely works to undem,ine
Amencan society." sa,d Ashcroft.
"the Society represents a threat
10 the American way of life. and
must be disbarred •
The Pamplin Society ls LC's The Pamplin Society's paramilitary gear and secretive behavior is a leading sign of
terrorist activity, said Attorney General John Ashcroft after their arrest
olcles1 honor society. Members
are invited to apply their first year
and, ,f accepted, remain in the
"'roup unul graduation.
Soclet y members are recog
mzed at the Commencement
Honors Corwocatlon, as well :l.$
other umes dunng the year. The)'
are chosen for commilmem to ac
ademic integrity. leadership. com
munity service, and other 1ra11.s.
"h's the perfect front -hard-
workmg, commun1ty•mmded students -but we at the Depan
ment of Justice are on 10 their
game," Ashcroft proclaimed.
Society member Oliver Tuhol
ske dech1med Ashcrofls accusa
tion, noting the many communl-
1y-onen1ed evenlS the Society has
sponsored in the past, including
0110 Sack day, when Ivy ls re
moved from the campus mine.
But Ashcroft presented • very
different picture than Tuholskes
communHy•m1nded organiza .. tion. Ashcroft cited unnamed
sources deep within the society,
saymg "they have maps and sche
matics for planning. the internet
for communication, and chemists,
physicists, and social scientists on
staff. Cleary. this organizauon ls
up 10 no good.•
Ponland businessman Robert
Pamplin Jr. was also implicated
in Ashcroft\; denuncialion, as the
primary funding me.mber of the
Society. The Pamplin Soci
ety joins a number • of other campus
groups declared
terrorist organiza
tions:
Stitch 'n Bitch: A "knit
ting society"? Obviously
a rerrorist from organl
wrion
Taize Prayer: Led by
Sister Lore11a Schaff, still
at large
Kyoto Now!: Environ
memal awareness and
activism
ElectroAcoustic Com
posers Guild: Hosrs of
the Electronic Music
Festival, a dangerous
subversive program
Picture This Productions:
Producers of LCTV;
now closed down by the
Justice Deparrment--who
says censorship is dead?
■ OPP is milking their growing influence for all i('s worth IA department to re
OPP's
new
aircraft
carrier,
paid for
by SAAB,
will be
displayed
on the
Grassy
Knoll op
posite the
Pamplin
Sports
Center.
by CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
The Tribune
SAAB bas awarded the
~tude1u~nm Orgao.i?ation for
Peace and Politics a grant for
the purchase of an aircrah car•
rier, which 1he group says il
plans to use in futthcr protests
of the war.
In a su11eme1u ,ssued Friday.
OPP s.,ld II will "spray paint Lhe
body or the CMricr with all the
ways the govorn01en1 cnuld be
us,ng 1he money now being spenl
on a war in lf':lq, •
SAAU approved Lhc grant re
quest unanimously, calling it a
·clearly articulated expression of
the wishes u[ paclfis,s on cam
pus· 'We were actually kind of sur
prised ,ha1 nobod)' had asked ror
this k,nd of thmg before." said
James Chnstie, Assistant to the
Vlce President of Student Aca
demic i\ffairs, Am)' Lillis. •1 mean,
we've done the silent protest, the
teach-m. and Lhe w,lk-om-buy
mg an aircrart carnc-r Is just the
next logical s1ep."
OPP member Leigh Malverson
1old the Palaline Tribune that she
Lbinks this ""II get OPP's message
out to the world In a forceful way.
•lls time we as students let
the Dep"nment of Defense know
what's what." she said "Peace is
clearly the prevailing wish among
students, •nd I think it's great that
SAAB Is supporting us in our ef.
fons."
The aircraft carrier will be displayed on the Grassy Knoll.
facing Pamplin $pons Cen1er.
and will remain open 10 general
vandalism by the public until the
bombing stops Ir the Bush ad
mimstrauon Ines 10 mm a bllnd
e)'e 10 Lhe demons, ration. OPP
plans to begin demolishmg the
carrier. piece by piece.
"Let's sec how they feel when
their precious ship is lying in
pieces on 1he ground, instead
of sailing around the Persian
Gulf forcing America's ,_,IJ un
the world and killing innocent
ch'ihans!" ano1hcr OPP member
chortled.
When awarding the i,,nm,
SAAB ordered OPP to reser\'e a
small space on the bow of the
ship for pro-war students 10 ex
press their sentiments. ceive peacekeepers
Glynn will lead blue
helmets into Albany
by KOFI ANNAN
The Tribune
To combat the increasingly
intense c:onftict between mem
bers of the lnternational Affairs
department, secretary Nancy
Curran announce.d Tuesday
that she will ask the United Na
tions for a peacekeeping force.
presumably 10 be led by faculty
member Mary-Ellen Glynn.
"I just can~ 1ake 11 anymore."
Curran told rcponers in a press
conference held ln Albany's
Great Hall. "Cyrus Partovls al
ways launching cruise missiles
over my desk. Andrew Conell
keeps Slrapping explosives to hls
thtor)• books and hurling them
at Bob Mandell. and Rich Peck is
running some kind of diamond
smuggling nng from his office.
What kind of working conditions
are thesd Seriously!"
A temporary cease-fire, called
while 1he department moved from
the now-demolished faculty office
building into Albany, broke down
las, week, apparently ovcr who
would get 10 read the most recen1
,ssue of Foreign Affairs 6rsL ·n,e
argument. which sw1f1ly devoh·ed
mto a full-scale fistfight. had 10
be broken up by a pepper-spray
wieldmg Curran.
Since ,hen. the UN has insll· 1uted increasingly harsh penalties
for continuing hostilities. includ
ing threats 10 let So/An professors
teach International Affairs classes.
while IA professors are forced 10
teach lnven1ing America.
"The UN has tried everything
it can to avoid 1hc use of force,"
Curran said. ·but nothings
worked h's time to pass :t reso
lution and send In a force under
Chapter VII of the UN Chaner •
Chapter VII authority would
permn peacekeepers 10 use force
when separating combatanlS
The 1hreat of a peacekeepmg
force has received a variety of re•
sponses from ,he departmcn1.
"They can't 10uch met• cackled
Mandel. holed up m his office
,_,th n rocket launcher. 'I'm ,he
deparunent cha1r1•
"Nancy Curran has JUSl forgot
ten 1he most basic rule of mtema
tional affairs," said Panovi. "There
are. no permanent friends, no ·per
manent enemies, only perm.anent
interests.•
Glynn. the proposed leader of
any pencekeeping force, has been
quoted as saying she·d like 10 see
1he entire 1/\ department declared
a dem1htarized zone.
Most alanmng, Cumm said,
was Lhe recent discovery of a mass
grave benea,h the Oversens desk.
MosL o( the bodies appear to be
,hose of seniors working on their
Lheses, forensit'S scientlsts su,d,
although none have as yet been
identified. 4MORENEWS
Ores
invade
Copeland
by GRISHNAK
The Tribune
Four LC smdents are repor1-
cd missing this morning after
visiting the notoriously dan
gerous halls of Copeland. An
infestation of man.eating ores
ha.< been blamed for the di.sap
parcancc.
In the wake of Lord of Lhe
Rings, ores were driven ou, of
their notural habitat by curious
fans. Thr dense, impenetrable
mazes of Copel•nd were similar
~nough to the land of Mordor that
se\lcral ore tribes moved in_
The missing ,LUdems, last
sighted on the Copeland sky
bridge Friday evening, are
thought to have been devoured
by the ores. Am1ed search par
ues, dispatched seve.ral days ago,
have been unsuccessful in finding
any remams.
Shane Ostermeier. Director of
Student Actwiues and head of the
las, of Lhe reLUming search par
ties, expressed liltle hope. "Those
ores are damn effictenl, .. he said.
~ey leave nothing behind, ex
cluding the occasional scalp.''
The administration has had
Huie to say officially about the
missing students, but an admis
sions imem reported he.,ring
President Mooney growl, "four
down, one thousand six hundred
and seventy-eight to go."
Reports vary as to wh)' the
students-all of whom ,csl~
in Howard-were In Copeland
in the first place "This 1s a dan
gerous placr." Resident Director
Del Newhouse said in an inter ..
\1ew yesterday. "You don't just
come in here for a wolk. You
have to be armed and ready. You
never know what you might run
into. Those kids must have been
messed up. 'cause even l'm afraid
to go mto E-,'1ng •lone."
James Strachtenburg, room
ma,e of Dale Quakenbush. one
of the missing students, said his
roommate had been fa,scinated
wnh the Lost Stash of '84. a leg
endary three pound brick of mar
i;uana often featured In LC ghost
stones, wh1ch 1s rumored to be
hidden somewhere near E-11.
Last year, 1wo prospecLive
students were abducted and
consumed during New Student
Preview. Their heads were later
found on stakes omside the main
lounge. Periodic thefts of com
puters, food, and underwear have
also been attributed to the ores.
rhc current orclsh chieftain,
G'lok-g'nar the Younger, said
!Jule in defense of his tribe: "Ash
dautas Vrasubatlat. Vrasubatbu
ruk ug butharubatgruiuk." He
then proc.,eded 10 nlng feces at
reporters, chasing them 0Ul or h,s
lair in 13-23.
The Elvish council, coniposed
primanly of History and English
faculty, has reconvened in Watzek
to plan a comprehensive cam
paign of retribution against the
ormh hordes. Palatine Tribune Tuesday, April I, 2003
■ Expose: Are we trusting our lives to a satanic system?
Raz discovered to be from Hell
Investigation finds
students are riding a
highway to Hell
by THE ANGEL GABRIEL
The Tribune
A rece.nt investigation or
the Raz Transportation shuttle
service has uncove.red a little
known and highly controversial
fact about the company: it is. i_n
fact. straight from Hcll.
Private investigator Molly
Fhule, who was employed by the
College 10 conduct a thorough in
vestigation of the company's past,
called the discovery •unsurpris
ing.•
"This is actually something
we're discovering about a lot of
public transportation systems
across the country," she told re
porters. "It's becoming a trend,
All the.se years we've been blarn
lng our problems on poor plan
nmg and lazy drivers, but the
truth of the mauer is, we've just
entrusted our public transit ,o
Mell."
The administranon expressed
shock over the revelation about
Raz, the Colleges shuule semce
of three years.
'This 1s an appalling devel-opment," said Dean of Students
Jon Eldridge. "I've been riding
the shuule for a couple of years
now, and I never guessed. \\lhj•,
I sometimes take my daughter
on Lhe bus! What arc we corn
ing to?"
LC student Julian Dautrem
ont-Smith was the driving force
behmd Lhe investigation and
called ,his discovery 'the most
unexpected but the most reward
mg• of his LC career,
·1 was Just stuck on the bus
at Hawthorne one day with ap•
proximately 150 other people,
and this kid behind me goes 'This
f ...... shuttles right from Hell,"
said Dautremont-Smith. •And
I thought, 'Why not?' It was as
good an explanation as any I'm
just surprised it actually panned
out."
After ,he results of the inves
Jigation were released, a small
crowd gathered at the LC shuule
stop 10 protest the continued use
of Raz. Led by Dean of the Cha
pel Mark Duntley, they conducted
exorcisms of the shuules as they
arrived.
"Even though this campus is
mostly non-religious, there's no
reason for innocent people to be
putting their souls on the hne ev
ery Lime the)' want to go 10 Pow
ells or Saturday Market," Duntley "I was on the bus,
and this kid be
hind me goes 'This
fk"'""',......* shuttle's
right from Hell, and
I thought, 'Why
not?"'
-Julian Dautremont-Smith
said.
No one from Raz was available
for comment, although the head
demon-er, spokespe,son-1s
sued a statement apologizmg for
tbe compan)''s satanic affiliations
and promising significam infernal
reform.
A group on campus calling it
self "Students Against Satan" has
called for a similar investigation
into Mulberry, the campus email
sen;,:,,, which has exhibited
many or the same characteristics
as the shuule sen•icc; extreme de
lays, inconsistent service., and an
unavailable help hotline.
"We're making a stand against
the Devil on this campus," Presi
dent Michael Mooney said from
behind a glass window inscribed
with pentagrams. "Hes got 10
understand he simply won't be
tolerated al this instimtion." Myn's
Center
founded
by JESSE HELMS
The Tribune
Mithr.ts, a new all-male Stu
dent group devoted to promot•
lng awareness of masculine
issues on campus. has applied
for" gr.wt to est:,bUsb. a "Myns
center" in Tbaye.r Jounge.
The group, headed by Spar~,n
studies major Rock "The Ricep•
de Maupass.slll, hopes 10 estab
Ush a "safe zone" for men who
feel "threatened" by the ·excer;
sivc female populauon" at Lewis
and Clark
"\Ve're m the mmonty here
There arc so many females on
campus th31 many males fee.I op
pre5sed, scared I mean, theres
hardly any resources for a real
man to take advomage of, like. we
h,ve no outlet for our rna..:uhne
urges You know what I'm s.,y
mg?"
The Mu hras Myns center,
named for a deny worshipped
by an all-male pagan cult d1a
metrtcally opposed to the M)'P311a
movement, will prm~de a social
center for all masculimsLS on
campus.
As to the adoption of the ab
surdly out-of-place "y.' Bicep
said, "we don't want LO be as..
sociated with the standard 1m•
age or a Lewis and Clark male.
Most of the guys here a,e wimpy,
whipped. and absolutely Incapa
ble Qf standing up to the feminine
menace. The •y· allows us 10 sep
arate ourselves as liberated males,
independent and powerful We
are men, hear us bellow•
The Myn's Center will contain
a few stained, overstuffed couch
es, a mint-fridge bursting al the
seams with •cold ones,· a vintage
Galaga arcade, • punching bag.
a weight bench, big-screen TV, •
stereo pla)'lng a ncver--ending mix
tape of Led Zeppelin, AODC, Ju
das Priest, Motorhead, and early
Megadeath, and a box of free
magnum condoms.
Mypatla, the femmtst group on
campus. plans to sue for copy
right infnngemen1.
Mulberry to be replaced by carrier pigeons
IT has exchanged
Mulberry for afar
more efficient car-
' . . rier pigeon. service
by CHARUS DARWIN
The Tribune
In a move eagerly awaned
by frustrated students- across
campus, Information Technol
ogy has scrapped the faulty email
program Mulberry for a earner
pigeon sensce. which the depan
rnem says u hopes will speed up
communkation on campus.
•we had 10 do something."
said Chief Technology Officer
Dan Teno. "The situation was becoming critical-I've been told
dial-up would be faster!'
IT will issue a trained pigeon
to each incoming freshman dur
ing NSO for use during his or
her tenure here at Lewis&: Clark.
Students will be responsible for
the upkeep of their pigeons, al
though IT will issue stipends for
pigeon feed and provide a veteri
nary service.
One bug IT still needs to work
ou, of us 11ew syStem (s the prob
lem of running class listserves,
where a professor can send an
email 10 all his or her students
,vith JUSt one address. Suggested
soluLions 10 this problem include
training squadrons of pigeons or
delivering class-wide messages 10
the dining hall. "h11 be just like I-tarry Polter!"
Terio enthused "Birds swoop
ing here and there, delivering
mess.1ges al high speed ... I 1-.-now
owls might look better, like they
ha"c at Hogwarts, but we aren't
equipped for a nocturnal serY1ce
yet, and pigeons are cheaper."
The landscaping crew has ex
pressed concern o,•er the amount
of extra work lhey will have as a
result of the introduction of thou
s.1nds of pigeons to the campus,
but Terio was unconcerned~
"Landscaping will Just have
to learn how to deal ,vith an ex
ce.ss1ve amount of pigeon drop~
pings." he said dismissively.
"That's nothing a liule soap. wa
, ter, and elbow grease can't take:
care of. What we're planning Pigeons will be the basis of
IT's new intra-campus com•
munications network.
bere 1s a revoluuon in the campus
communicauons network!" Palatine Tribune Tuesday, April 1, 2003 STILL MORE NEWS 5
Chutkow dissolves ASLC, declares self Emperor for Life
ASLC President
dissolves ASLC and
declares himself
Emperor for Life -
Executive Council is
outraged
by ALMO STRUE
The Tribune
Associated Students of
Lewis &: Clark (ASLC) Com1•
cil members returned to their
offices on the Monday after
Spring Break 10 find that lhe
locks on their doors had been
changed. They found a note Crom
ASl.C President Ethan Chutk<1w
informing them that they were no
longer wdcome 10 participate in
s1udenL government. In Lhe letter,
Chutkow stated, ••n apparent di
vide wnhm Council has kept our
progress minimal; therefore, I am
d1ssolvmg student government
and dedarmg myself Emperor
for Ufe.•
Councl members' reactions
ranged from shock Lo anger
"Ethan has always acted like
a power-hungry d1cmor who
wished he could Just gei nd of
the rest of us: S1'11ed Elections
Commlssioner Mane Knapp, "but
I never thought he would actually
do IL."
Vice President for Student
Organizations John Worst was
less qu.,ck to make a judgment.
·1 thmk we all need to sll down
and talk 10 Ethan before slinging
accusations at him," Worst said. "He may have a good reason for
abolishing student government
and declanng himself supreme
rule-r."
Th1s latest acllon comes after
a long senes of conOic,s within
A~l.C. The tension came 10 a head
recen~y when Chutkow 6red
Leigh Halverson, his Admmistra
uvc Assistant. Chu1kow claimed
he wos unhappy ,vith Halve~ns
mee1 ing minutes, while some
Council members charged 1hat
Chutkow had fired ttalverson be
cause she often spoke out again.st
Chutkow's proposals in meetings.
"h's not 1ha1 I minded her talking,
ll was just 1ha1 she said things
that challenged my authority," ex
plained Chu1kow
Chutkow defended hls deci
sion 10 abolish ASLC in an Inter
view with the Palatine Trib1111c,
stating. "What choice did I have?
I couldn\ fire the Board like I fired
Letgh, so I had to dissolve the.
government. Obviously, I couldn\
change my own behavior The
best way Lo deal with confiicl Is Lo
Simply purge those you disagree
with. It worked for past dictators,
11·11 work for me!"
Chu,kow also noted that ASLC
staff advisor Shane Osterme1er
had approved the dissoluuon of
ASLC. tlowever, when contacted.
Os1ermeier denied any mvolve
ment or prior knowledge of the
coup. •ir I were In Ethan's place,
I would have abolished student
go\lemment a long time ago,"' Os•
termeier admiued, "These people
make me sick. Don·1 1bey have
roof lives like other s1udtn1S?"
As Emperor for Life, Chutkow
stated lhat he would work to gain respect for ASLC from the ad
mmistratio~ I-le announced. •t
plan 10 spend all the remammg
student fees 10 purchase wine
and cheese. Then I will throw
elaborate dmner parues for my
adminlstrator friends. Maybe
then the)' ,viii respect me. Noth
ing bnngs respect like a Huie ass
ki.ssing. • Chutkow also suggest
ed that the admtmstrators will
respecL the ·new and 1mpr0\·ed"
ASLC minutes, which he was
sure they read each week.
In the Interview, Chut.kow
criticized the student body for
failing 10 approve the suggested
Bylaw revisions. "Those blasted
studenlS don\ understand how
bard i worked on I hese changes,"
he said "But now that I'm Em
peror for life, I'm going 10 insll•
tutc whatever rules I damn well
wan1: he contlnued, "and there
is nothing they can do about ii
Now I'm really finishing this year
up in glory!'
Ethan expressed chagrin that
students some.Limes fail to ap
preciate his efforts and do not
Involve 1hcmselves in ASLC. 'I
come lo campus almost 3 days a
week," he said.
Chutkow also expressed frus
Lration over Lhe recent elecllon
of Khai East as next year's ASlcc'
President. •1 refuse 10 hand over
my power to a woman; this is a
man's job," he stated. 'Besides,
'Khai scares me. She seems to
have opinions on Lhings."
When asked whether he had
the authority to dissolve s1uden1
government, Chutkow immedi
ately became visibly agitated.
"Hey! This is my interview, Fru~trated with ASLC unproductivity, ASLC President Ethan
Chutkow has dissolved the student government and de
clared himself Emperor for Life.
I'll ask the questions. Why is ev
eryone auackfng me?" He 1he11
accused the Palali11t Tribune of
having a "pro-Julian• bias.
Only Pa1rick Neighom, ASLC's
Technology Advisor and Ethan's
loyal auack dog defended Chu1-
kow~ actions. Ncighorn said. "J'm
tired of people dragging Ethan~
n.ame through the mud and ma
liciously assaulting his charac1er. This Council thing sm,ply wos
not working our."
"This only cements Ethan's
position as the worst ASLC
.President ever," said Julian Dau
lft:mom-Srnilh, Chief Justice "1
Just hope that he realizes 1ha1
because he has been so busy try
ing 10 control all of us, he hasn\
accomplished an)"hing produc
Live all year."
New appointment to History replaces So/An dept.
''diversify'' LC staff as ''biggest pain-in-the-ass''
by RALPH ELLISON
The Tribune
John C. Callahan, Motg•n S.
Odell Professor of Humanities,
has been appointed "honorary
bl.1ck professor" by Dean Cur
lis Johnson. The distinguished
position was created ln response:
10 s1uclm1 demands lo diversify
the faculty-while not actually
diversifying the faculty.
A spokesperson for the Col
lege told reporters lost week that,
while diversity Is "important," It
is not important enough 10 ·go
through the hassle of hiring a
person of color." He went on 10
explain 1he dunes of the position:
"We here at the College are in fa.
vorof diversity, we think diversity
15 a good thmg. Just like gender.
As 1he litemry executor for the es
tate of Ralph Ellison. lCallahanl is
the only man for the Job. Hence
forth, he will be expected 10 wear
blackface and eat watermelons at
all public appearances.•
Callahan was ecstauc 10 hear
of his appointment: 'I think
Ralph would approve. We've
made a great step forward in ro.ce
relations at Lewis &: Clark Did
I mention Raiph yet? I'll just let ,!,
Black is back with John
Callahan"s new position.
it drop again--y'know, me and
Ralph. we go way back• When
asked If he didn't find the state•
mems of the College 10 be, well,
Just a little insensiuve, Callahan
scratched b,s ear and blinked for
several minutes before respond
ing: "I dunno. some of my best
friends are black people. Hey, di
dja hear 1ha1 I used 10 hang out at
Ellison's pad?"
BSU issued a formal declara
tion of war agamst the admm~
isLralion fn protest. Plans for a
siege will be discussed tonight at
7:00pm ln Thayer. His101y picks up the
slack when it comes
to annoying the ad
ministration
by DIANE NELSON
The Tribune
Lewis & Clack bas a long
cradition or fuculty dissent
:md administration frustration
when questioned. But ,vith
lhe gradual gutting of the Sol An
depanmen1, dissent has become
a thing of the past for faculty
meedn~.
Or so ii seemed, until recmlly.
While So/An Is losing professors
at a terminal rate and fahcring
in their mission to question the
admims:tration 's every decision,
a new department has arisen to
take Its place
"The History department Is,
bar none, the biggest pam in the
ass on this campus," said Dean
Cums Johnson m a candid inter
view. ·1 thought the faculty had
anally come to an understanding
about the relationship between
faculty and administrators, but
then !Maul Levinger and Elliot [Young) Jumped in and started
questioning me."
•rm Dean of the College! My
,viii is law!" exclaimed Johnson.
The most noticeab1e instance
of the History deparunents com
bative: an1tude was a motion to
remove Johnson from his positlon
•s Dean iast year. This year, the
History department has continued
10 be a thom in the side of the
"The History de
partment is, bar
none, the biggest
pain in the ass on
this campus."
•Curtis Johnson
College's top level executives The
depanment has launched a cam
paign 10 retain Rebecca Becker, •
highly regarded professor lacking
a doctoral degree.
'You try geumg real reforms m
tlus school with History constam
ly second guessing your mouva
lions," continued Johnson. "The
CAP report. lnvenung Amenca,
even the academic calendar -fac-uhy meeungs have debate now,
and while we might encourage
tll31 in our students, who really
are powerless in the future of the
campus, it's not something we
wam from long-1erm members or
the community."
In spite of their in.soknce, or
perhaps because of ii, History
has seen an mcrease in enrolled
majors. •1m glad my department
stands up for students and the
fmure of academia at LC.' sold
Tricia Pe.arson, a senior double
major in Philosophy and History.
The trend o[ questioning as
sumed ideas is spreading 10 other
departments, as evidenced by the
LC Snow controversy ln Decem•
ber. Psychology professor Brian
Del\viler-Bedell defended the ski
and snowboarding dub agamst
accusauons of drug use by Dean
of Studcnls John Eldridge
Elridge loo is feeling the stmg
or an tnqlllSlU\fe faculry. "'Bnan
quesuoncd my judgment regard
mg students.· said Eldndge. "But
I'm the Dean of StudenlS. I al
ways win.•
·11 all comes back 10 History,"
Johnson re!tera1cd, "If they hadn)
started quesuonmg me, nont or
this would have happened." 6 STILL MORE NEWS Palatine Tribune Tuesday, April 1, 2003
Brains,
braaaaainns:
The College
will reanimate
intrepid ex
plorers Lewis
and Clark to
celebrate the[r
upcoming
bicentennial. LC vegans
demand
red meat
The Bon finds irself
besieged by angry
herbivores
by GEORGE FOREMAN
77,e Tribune
The. LC vcg;m communily
stormed the Bon today, pork
chops iu haf1d with signs read•
ing, "Give us red me.at or give
us death!" They delivered a
petttton to Jeff Rou demnndmg
1ha1 the Bon serve mot( me:n m
hght of the l\ons recent trend ol
making soy milk. and ve!!-<tanan
and vcgsm en1 rl.!tS. so a\'a1lable
that many LC ::,tude1,1s h:wt gone
vegan, as one student s.·ud, ''just
fot ,he heck of IL·
Bodies of Lewis and Clark to be reanimated "It has become so easy to be
vegan and so many people ,re
clomg it that vcganism has lost
its radical edge," said Rob I k>p·
kinson, n ft>nner vegan gone red ..
meat crusi,der, Kellar Autumn and
team to reanimate
the bodies of Amer
icas most famous
explorers for the
bicentennial
by DR. FRANKENSTEIN
The Tribune
lntrepid explorers Mer-
riwether Lewis and \Villia~
Clark will be magickally
brought bacl< to life for next
year's celebrations. Stephen
Dow Beckham announced Fri
day. A team of College Special
forces faculty led by Manne
Lancc-Corpor:tl Anthony Swof
ford has recovered the remains of
the famous duo. and construction
is currently underway on a gecko
powered rtan1mation dc\1Ce to
be housed In the basement of tht
new Howard Center. Beckham hopes that the "LC
Uncle.ad" will attracL even more
visitors than were previously ex•
peeled: "Who wouldn't want to
chill w1th the actual Le\\ss and
Clark? I mean, my gig's prelly
good for the monthly faculty
binges, but there's no way I could
l0p the genuine amcle. Everyone
loves the undeadl"
Pres,dern Mooney. though
reluctant to talk to reporters, ex
pressed some doubts over ProJect
Endunng Explorers: ·1he idea
of those two shambling around
campus makes me ... uncomfort~
able. Oon'1 zombies eat brains?"
The means used to acquire
the skeletal remams of Lewis and
Oark has caused some contr0·
versy among the faculty. The His•
tory and S<>IAn depanmenlS have
come oul against the 11exccssively
,·1olent methods" of the r<CO\'ery
crew, citing the multiple d1sap
peomnces of bureaucro1s ond
historians that ha\'e been attrib
uted to "SwoITord's Swordsmen• as "crimes against humoni1y.• In
response, Swofford mumbled
something about •eollateml dam
age• and reached for his sideann,
There ha,•e been no further com
plaints,
"The revivification
device works with
Van der Waals forc
es generated by a
bank of 517 geckos
suspended from
the walls and ceil- ,,
ing of the reaction
chamber."
-Kellar Autumn
The reanimation, scbedt~ed
to take place over the next three
months. will employ a process
developed by I.C's own Kellar Autumn ... The revivification de~
vice works wnh Van der Waals
forces generated by a bank of 517
geckos suspended from the walls
and ceiling of lhe reactton cham•
bcr. The s.,mc magick that allows
Geckos to malntain their Incred
ible fuel efficiency will rebuild
the bodies of the test subjects and
restart all ,1tal funcnons. Unfor
tunately. we arc JS of now unable
to retneve their souls." Autumn
said he got the ,dea for his de•
sign from the Necrowombicon,
a book he found 'wlnlt browsmg
the stacks at Powell's.·
Once the rev1vtfica1ion process
1s complete. the somewhat-living
adventurers will parllc1pate in
Lhe symposia and lecture senes
planned for next spring. h 1s stUI
unkno\\'n ,f the undead explorers
,viii he playmg themselves m the
upcoming OMNIMAX block
buster. which Palatine Tribune
has been told is called "Bill and
Merriwether's Excelknt Adven
ture." .. We're seeing just :molhcr W3)'
that the people in power Lry to
take away any human choice and
co-opt our fonns of protest. I he
USDA and the system forced us
10 be meat and dairy consum·
ers. now they think they can get
away w1th making Uh e111 t1othmg
but vegetables," Jane Doe ,a,d,
"We took back ·cunt' la,t year;
we're t.tkmg back 'steak' th1,
year," another radical satd
.. Meat eaters are an cnd;ingcrcd
species at this school RAG always
wants to be on 1he side of the
most disadvamagecl groups ~H this
school. the ones who don\ have a
votcc and thAl's cemunl)' nol Lhe
veganhcgetanans these doys."
said Marie Knapp of RAG
Members ol Lhc recently
formed Meathead club are callmg
for students to demand meat at
Lhe Bon and 10 boycou vegrtable
products. 1he campaign is using
the cntchphrnse. •1s that fried in
See VEGANS/ Page 8
Hippies go to war, obscure causes get lonely
evil influence of multinational Hippies abandon.
obscure causes
by THE GHOST OF CHE GUEVARA
The Tribune
In a rare development, by
supporting the antiwar move
ment. h.ippie.s at Lewis & Clark
and across the cou.r)try have
been promoting an issue that
directly affects their own lives
and the rest of the commu•
nity, leaving obscure issues in
far parts of tlie world sad and
lonely without the only base
of people who actually cared
about them,
By some repons this Is the first
ume smce the Cml Rights move
ment ond the Vietnam War Lbat
hippies have actively protested
a concrete issue that would have
an Impact on the,r own ltve.s. In the past few decades the focus or
protests has ,h1fted from improv
ing conditions wuhin one's own
tommumty 10 obs.cure environ~
mental and hurnan rights issues
in remote parts of the devdop,ng
world with very small chances of
successfully changmg pohoes or
cond111ons
Anuwar protes.lS also revolve
~uound an issue that 1he general
pubhc has knowledge of. and an
uwar op1mons are based on rdi
nble information, another change
from re-cent htppie tmdiuons
Not everyone ,s pleased
w1th the relative popularity and
strength of the anttwar move
ment, however.
The Colocolinos, a tiny eth•
nic group in central Chile, h.-·,
found It nearly Impossible 10
have their voices heard in their
ongoing struggle against the op•
pression of globallzauon and the corporations
The group has been up In
arms since last October, when
the Blockbuster Video Corpora·
uon suspended the membership
of the group's religious elders for
fatlure to pay exorbitant late fees
incurred on thetr rental of "Duce
Bigelow Male Gigolo." which ts a
key part of their coming of age
and funeral ntuals.
"I don't know what the prob
lem 1s," said 1-lcrcdio Vargas, a
spokesman for the group, •we've
got cverythmg, the small tribe
in the developing country, the
obscurity, 1he e,il corporauon,
we don't rc,11ly h.-·c an envi
ronmental lssue, but 1 expected
something. At least a few whne
ktds ,vith dreadlocks Come on,
Chile's really easy to get to. Can,
we have. a petillo-n or a candle
hgbt vigil or something? Closer to home,
the shifting nllen
Lfons of nctivislS arc
also being felt m the
state of Washington,
where logging pro
duction has been
able to happen at
record rates due to
lack of protest.
The logging in
dustry has had lt.s
costs from the an•
uwar movement
also, however. Many
lrees have shown
slow growth and
are dropping a great
deal of needles this
year, a phenomenon
that scienusts cla1m
1s due ,o their de
pendence on the Hippie support for the antiwar move
ment has left other causes high and dry.
body heat of an acuvist chained
to their trunks that the trees have de,•doped through evolution over
the past thirty years Palatine Tribune Tuesday, April 1. 2003
Realizing you've spent
$100,000.00 on a
shuttle pass:
Priceless. REALAD ... WE SWEAR 7
Tuition: $23,730/year
/
Room & board,
14-meal plan: $6,630/year
/
Books: $300/semester
/
Parking permit,
resident: $150/semester
/ ...
Dorm supplies; $200/semester
/
Robert B. Mccraken 2001 8 CALENDAR
Student easily finds
parking space
A breakdown in Trans
porta1ion & Parking
leads to a convenient,
timely parking experi
ence.
by RALPH NADER
The 7l-ib1111e
Gwendolyn Acsad •• a jun.tor a1
Lewis & Cla.rk, was surprised
on Monday when she easily
found a parking place at 11:
30am.
"I was running lale lO my 11:30
h1>lory class, and figured I'd be
lwenly minutes or more looking
for a spOl. As il lumed oul, I just
pulled into Campus Safety and
lhcre ii was." Acsadi explained
The spol Acsadi grabbed was
kss than 1wo mlnme walk 10
class. meaning the junior was m
class and leammg on 1ime.
-'I don't know whal went wrong
here.' said Mark Morgan, Direc1or
of Transpona1ion and Parking.
"We've done our bes1 to make a
free parking space impossible to
find on campus, and then this
happens?•
Morgan explained that
Transpona11on & Parkmg
carefully balanced the needs of
faculty. students, and staff when
coding parking spaces and
enforcing 1-foweve.r. a source close to
Parking & Transponation LOld the
Palatine Tnbune a different story.
"Someumes we JUSt throw darts
at a campus map to code parking
spaces: the source explained,
Additionally, with the general
economy and LC's budget doing
poorly. some of the responsib1l11y
for raising revenue has been
shifted to Transportation &'
Parkmg, This year, parkmg fines
were raised and a new registration
system was put m place 10 catch
those relonious students who
shp through the cracks, thus
depriving the College of needed
revenue
"Its not an accident thal the
Transportation &: Parking
regula1ions are vague and ill•
defined," said the inside source.
"Ir no one can figure out 1he rules.
we can do what we like. The
carpool pass incident early this
semester was a godsend, because
it ga,•e us a nice cushion on our
fundraising quota •
•we do our utmost 10 be
helpful, and provide a fair,
unbiased appeals process,
should there be a dispute." said
Morgan "So far this year, I've
been very happ)' with the results
or our work. I 1hink we've had
good communication and really
reached an understanding with
stud ems in the community.·
Near constant changes in parking policy combined with
impenatrable regulations have led to numerous parking
fines -possibly not by accident.
Vegans: Red meat
demanded in the Bon
■ From page 7
bacon fat?
"If you ask for pork. make ,ure
they aren't gl\~ng you d1sgu1sed
1oru or seuan, Beware the vegan
s.iusagc pames. They arc very
misleadmgl" Taha Schoenn. 1 he
head of Meathead warned. '
Mca1heads arc in the
cducanonal stage of 1heir
campaign at this ume. In
preliminary assessments, only
30% or smdems were able 10
d1stingulsh be1ween meal pallies
and veg1burgers and 1n blind laste Lests and 70% preferred
soy,nilk to cow milk. ahhough
1 hey could be I ricked 11110 likmg
normal nulk w11h a squin of
chocolate mixed in.
The Mea1heads aim to have
mea1 op11ons at all 7 or the Bon
Imes by next year. They have
already succeeding m ge111ng
1erky available at the Trail Room,
·suppon the struggling meat
industry! Hooray for omn1\rorest"
1he Meat heads cheered together
in closing, Palatine Tribune Tuesday, April I, 2003
SEEITDOIT
Where to go and what to do: Lew;s & Clark highlights
SPORTS / Competi
tive Knitting
2:30pm Tuesda;1, April I,
Pamplin Sports Center
Come see LCs premier
knitting circle take on rivals
in nearby colleges for a
state Litle.
EVENTS / ASLC
Brawl
4:45pm Tuesday, April I,
Thayer. Templeton Student
Center
Student leaders come to
fisticuffs over anything and
everything,
EVENTS / French
kissing solidarity
action
2:30pm Wednesday, April 2,
Fields Dining Hall, Temp/e1011
S111dem Cemer
Sponsored by OPP. grab a
parmer and tongue-wrestle
for peace.
EVENTS / Faculty
Brawl.
3: I 5pm Wednesday, April 2,
Miller 105
Faculty members come Lo
lis'riculis over calendars,
proper procedure, and
Dean Johnson,
EVENT / Drum and
smoking circle
11:30pm Wednesday, April J,
lower campus
Lewis & Clarks few remain
ing hippies gather in solidar
ity for a chance to commune
with nature and each other,
~ ARTS / Jon Eldridge SERVICE / Satur
slam poetry read-
ing
8:30pm Thursday, April 3,
Rusty Nail
LC'.s Dean of Studenrs takes
to the mic to share renec
tions on life, love, and the
new dorms. Yo.
Eldridge will regale audie11ces
with humorous tales of his
own college experiences.
RELIGIOUS LIFE /
Chapel Service
1 O:OOam Sunday, April 6, Ag·
11es Flanagan Chapel
Christ himself alighrs from
Heaven to deliver the Sun
day sermon and save LC
souls.
Christs Sermon i11 lhe
Chapel is e.rpected 10 ad
dress God's will i11 the rece111
Middle East hostili1ies. days in Service:
Oregon Chapter of
the National Guard
8:00am Saturday, April 12.
Cemerfor Service and Work,
Templeto11 Swdem Ceme,:
CSAW organizes this effort
to get LO know the face be
hind ti1e emergency gear, so
the next time you're templ
ed LO engage in civil d isobe
dience ...
EVENT / Nakedness
for peace!
4:40pm Mo11day April 14,
Womyn ,. Cemer. Templeton
Student Cemer.
The Womyn's Center will
stage a celebration of naked
bodies and the peace that
comes rrom knowing one's
self.
MUSIC / Hungarian
Bohemian Orches
tra
7:00pm Thursday. April 17,
Agnes F/a11aga11 Chapel.
Sponsored by Ans &-. Ideas,
the Orchestra transposes
heavy metal classics or the
'80s LO traditional instru
ments. We know you won't
go, but it's listed anyway.
EVENT / Nuclear
Bomb Detonation
5:38pm Friday April 18, the
World.
A nuclear bomb is detonat
ed by an unknown pany,
Retaliation 1s swift and from
all sides, Everyone dies,
including you.
~Once, they nwnbered in th· L~ thousands.
Now. because of careless admissions
pracrices, the LC Hippie is i11 da11ger
of di.\'(/ppeari11g forever, •
You can help.
Co111act your ASLC represemaiive
and urge him or her to support the
creation of a prmected wildlife
sa11cmary UJ provide hobitut for
these 11oble cru,wres,
or
Save-A-Hippie Fund at Lewis & Clark make an easy, t00% tar-deducrible
do,wtion to the Save-A-Hippie Fund, 503-768-7t52
Together, we can make a difference.
You've got mail
Mullbeny replaced
wirh carrier pigeons
--See MORE NEWS, 4
TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2003 The tides turn
Naval crew replaced with
Org.for Peace & Politics
•• See MORE NEWS, 3
PUBLISHED EVERY APRIL FOOL'S DAY
SAAB Vice l'rcsidem candidate
D•vesh Khanal was eliminated,
as w:is student reprt':,enrntive
candidate Colleen Zarkowski. By
the end of the rampage, <>nly one
legitimate candidate was left in
euch contested race.
"Swofford really was voting
from the clock tower," said Dc>an
of Stl\dtnLS Jon Eldridge. "Heh
hch! Uh ... yeah."
A recent addition to the Inventing America
faculty shows Lewis & Clark the true power
of focused determination ... and ammo ·Amhonyscommitment to the
dcrnocratic process is commend
able: said Dean Cunis Jolmson.
•Jt's wonderful 10 see hnn seuing
an example for our students that
by JOHN WILKES BOOTH
The Trihune
The resumption of hostili
ties with Iraq proved too much
for Lecture.r of Humanities An
thony Swofford, who served as
a sniper in the first Gulf War.
~tonning ou1 of his office on the
founh-lloor of Miller with "wild
e)-es: Swofford was sighted
hc.1Chng .south to Lh1,.; ,;1ud~n1~
residence area or campus.
All wa, quiet unul early Fn·
dny, when the steady <:rack of a
sn,pcr rifle was heard ovc_r the
rush to 9:10 classes. StUdenL~
were gunned down m ,heir
tracks C'lr ran screammg ,mo
Ma~ic's Cafe.
"It wa.s utter chaos." said ,\n
drcw Chatting, a student living
in Ea,1 I !all. "I wa.s ju>1 walkmg
to class with my fric_nd, and he just dmpped and blood splat
tered everywhere."
Chatting said he spoued a
black-dad figure hidden by t.he
clock tower drawing a bead on a
student near him. •1 looked up,
and it was Amhony Swofford,
tha, ex-Marine guy we've got
tcadung the Inventing Amrnca
classes: said Chamng.
"I le was just up on there v.1th
his olrl rifle, uucrly pitlless:
Chniung ton1lnucd.
It soon became clear, though,
that Swofford wa., not shooting
al random. With itudcm gov
l'mment elections underway,
contested elections had their
candidates wh!ltlccl down to one
each by the end of Swofford';
rampage
lnthe president~ race, bothSn
tya Byock and write-in candidate
Nell Tessman were eliminated by
Swofford!; Mannc-tramed aim_ "It's wonderful
to see Anthony
Swofford setting
the example that
every vote really
does count. 11
-Dean Curtis Johnson
every vote really dO<!S count. Or
eve.ry few."
i',01 everyone was as foll of
praise for Swoffords dernocrati~
acuons. •1 was always a bit suspi
cious of h,m: said Jeff Marshall,
a student in Swoffords lnve,1t•
lng America "I le seemed pretty
tight-laced. Docs this mean that
just anyone could take• rifle up
10 some high paint and 'register
1heiropinion?'" i Who's yo' daddy?
i All authority replaced
\ with Ethan Chutkow
--See Silll MORE NEWS, 6
IT'S A JOKE, PEOPLE
Who says one vote doesn't count? Swofford takes aim.
A search of Swofford~ ollice pus Safety, I am G<>d."
revealed a note explaining his Swofford could not he
acuons.
"For 100 long this school has
taught nonviokm protest. I'm
doing 1h1s to show another way
of "protesting.• the note read in
pan. The note ended with, "Cam-reached for comment.
1\ second gunman was seen
picking off pa;;_<ersby from the
rock wall above the Cmssy
Knoll. No suspects have been
named :ts ycL.
Partovi: Democracy really is "like a cup of Lipton tea''
LC s favorite Persian
explains the simplicity
of transitional govern
ments
by ALI-HOSEINI-KHAMENEI
The 7l-i/June
LC Senior Lecturer of lnter
nanonal Affairs Cyn,s Partovi
opined on tl,c nature of democ
mcy a1 a recent forum, cxt0l•
liDg i1_s ease and simplidly. "It's
nm • complicated thing, really.
he remarked from 1hc podium.
'L,,ok at the United Slates: we
sunply prim a few ballots, and
the proccs. more or less takes
care ()f !lself •
Asked about the leasibility of
ms111uung dcmocr~c)' m a fo,
t1gn n,mon such as lmq. Panova
appeared sudden!)• excued, and
further cxplaiocd: -,he 1ra11s1tion
from rigid military dictatorship
to libernl democratic republic is
nkin m flipping a light-switch_
Once )'OU add a "Peoplel, Repub
lic or· 10 a CO\IJllT)'S nanle, most _,r the work Is d~ne."
When questioned about the
difficulty of changmg the l'lews
and at mu des of 22 million Iraqi
cilizens cow:1rd thtir govern•
mem, l'anovi cominued: 'Thmk
of the process :is a cup of Lipton
"The Iraqi peo
ple are ... ready
to be infused
with the deep,
rich flavor of
liberalism. 11
-Cyrus Partovi
ten. The I raq1 ~ople are the hot
water, ready to be 111fused wtth
the deep, rich flavor of liberal
ism. Our dcmocmtic ideals are
the 1eab.1g, hursting with the var
ied spices of equal represematiC>n
,md free-market opportunity.
Dip the teabag into the rnp, and
the water begins Immediately to
change color and navor, c"Orrect? Such qmck magic 1s ,mperial
i.sm.~
The professor was asked how
a process might play out in the
Middle East in the weeks l\l
come. "Give it 3 days or so after
Hussein loses power; he re-sponded. "People should be well
on thc,r way t<> frohck,ng in the
streets, clad only m dreadlocks
and Iraqi nags."
"In foci: Panov, quickly add
ed. "we may as well go take care
of Iran while wc.tre tu it."' LC Lecturer
Cyrus Partovi
demonstrates
the instant
transition pro
cess between
hostile dictato
rial regimes and
strong, healthy
democratic
republics.
Asked tr I ip1<1n Tea had nny
par11cular significance over uther
major brnnds, Partovi re,,-p<111ded
• I suppose not. l'ea b 1<:1, rc~II)\
But I hear ~r.'lzo mnke~ a mean
Chamomile. I sure d() like that
Chamomile_• 2NEWS
ll£ Palatine Tribune
EDITOR•IN-UilEf: EBOLA ELLEN
Ntw.a EDITOR: BRONCHlllS Bill
FORUM EDITOR: RUBELLA RACHEL
FF.Aru•Es Eo,ro•: LOCKJAW L1SA
A•TS Eoiro•: T uo!RCULosIs T,M
Sro•rs Eono•: GANGRENE GREG
CALENDAR Eo1ToR: Go.'1oRRHEA
GENE
STAFF WRmRS: MALARIA M1KE,
OvPTHERIA DAVI:, HEPATITIS
HARRY, MENINClllS MN<, 5"-V.ll-
POX STEVE
CONTRIBIJTING WRITERS: SHINGLES
SUSAN
PHOTOGRAPHER: INFlU£NZA IKE
Co,v Eo1roRS: CONJUNCrMns
CATHY
COMPVHR SPfCIAlJST!WtB MAS•
TER: TETANUS TERRY
Aos MANACER: CHLAMYDIA CAT
ADVISOR: SYP>IIUS SALL y
THE PAlATINE TRIBUNE SERVES
TO THE LEWIS & CLAI\K
,iii)
COMMUNITY ON ISSUES Of
TO STUDENTS. WE
noun
ARE COMMITTED TO THE FREE
AND ARTICULATE EXPRESSION
OF -,,..,..-· WE DO NOT
DISCRIMINATE BASED ON _,
noun
GENDER, SEXUAL , DIS· ..w
ABILJTY, ACE OR CLASS. WE
TH£ RIGHT TO REFUSE TO
7ii'o
PRINT ANY -~~-ADVERTIS~
ad/ec#ve
MENT, SUBMISSION, OR ARTICLE
THAT DOES NOT THE -~
STANDARDS OF THE PAlATINE
TRIBUNE.
ADvERTISfMENTS, -===e::-plun,l noun
TO THE EDITOR AND EDITORIALS
00 NOTNECES5.'IRILY ~iii/6=
THE OPINIONS Of THE PAlATINE
TRIBUNE OR LEWIS & CLARK
COLLEGE.
SEND ====- BY MAIL, ·FAX
piuralnovn
OR ELECTRONIC MAIL TO:
Tiu Plw\tNt 1..:,av"-f
0615 SW P"'-'""'-""' Ro.
MSC 121
P(>l11A"'1). OR 97219
,.. ..... , (503) 766-7146
£....,wu r10LOC@I.Q.Ak.r...t.UU
KfTp:J/\\'\\W.lO/llK.rQVOlt<:/P,(J(.00
THE. PAl,'.llM TtttUlJSt ~ k..:...ot.O (ly ~
SIIJVCN"I fllS..
A persotral 1101e: Dr. Pllmplin. Wt'
/o,'e you dear/>: U~ worship tht!
ground )'OU walk otL Please Jon>
sue us. Please. Seriously. LCUPDATE
News of lewis & Clark in brief
ACADEMIC AFFAIRS
SAAB votes to purchase
horse tranquilizers,
"neat" sound system
SAAl1 ,·med unanimously with
one abstcntlo11 last Thurs<lar Lo
lL~e the $9.000 available for re
search grams 10 buy A I.OT ol
killer weed, booze. kegs. hard
core drugs. and horse Lra□quil
izers. Some of the mone)' will
also be spent on a really "neat
sound system and a D.J. lnste,icl
1>! reviewing research gram ap
plica1 ions this Sunday, SM11 will
11,-: the $9,000 worth of drugs to
h<Jtbox Miller i04 and throw a
raging party.
"Dude, it\; gomg 10 be so
phat!" said P,-ythology SAAB Rep
Chris M urrny. "I bCL 'rimmy' will
gN so thrashed tliat she'd take off
her clothes if I asked her Lo."
SAAl1 decided LO use the mon
ey for a party instead of funclmg
th.i:; semesters research grant ap
phcams smce. according to SAAB
Chair Amy Ulhs, mosl of the ap•
phcauons Sl\'\ll gets are smpid.
"The studenlS who appl)• m:v
er wanl to do any prestigWtL~ or
amazing work, ~uch a.,; studying
the biodiversity of Arthropods in
,mi11g logs. filming :t poignam
documentary on one's father. or
ptming on a full ,<;ale-eleciromc
opera." sa,d LUliS, "It~ alwa~
mamby pamb)' stulT such ns some
moron as~mg us to fund him for
1he baking soda he need, for hb
model volcano or 10 pay n:,c,arch
assi3lants hJ surf the. imtm~t
for L,'mI pa~~ they plagiarize.
ISAABI ilwuglu the money would
be better spent getung 1he bo:1rd
lrcallr r•·• .. -upl •
Among 1he $Mil members
most exc11ed about the pany
was 5MB Faculty ,\dvisor Joho
Fritzman. "I'm going 10 get LO
go Lo a college panyl" thtc bald
Philosophy professor said as his
,·yes sparkled and he clapped his
hands 111 joy. Anmher reason given for
throwing tJ1e pany was that some
of 1hc money could be spent buy
mg Biochemistry SAAB Rep Mika)
. hennan horse tranqmllzcrs.
"I love horse 1ranquihzcrs•·
saiJ Sherman.
ADMINISTRATION
Jon Eldridge "totally •
stoked" on LC Snow
In :m interview last week,
Dean of Studcms Jolin Eldridge
revealed his intense passion for all
snow ,p1,1ns and hi.s "special love
of 'boarding." "I ju,L adore it." he
said, "There\< no feeling in Lhe
world comparable 10 the freedom
)'OU gt:t n.s )'OU ny down the slope
It~ <>Ul or 1h1, world:
F.ldridge, who rides goor)• and
prefers to board freesoyle. is quilc
1 he acrompUshed anmeur-league
boarder He snagged a ,econd
place in syncopated downhill free
style and an honorable memi<>11 al
last years Oregon X-Games, and
was subsequent!)' offered a po"·
tlon on the U.!,. Olympic team.
wh,ch he turned down. 'I just
couldn\ bring myself 10 aban
don my work al the College. I
me,in, here I feel Like I'm actuali)'
inlluenc,ng the world for the be1-
ter-l just Cl1n'1 see snowboarding
bringing abom world peace Es
pccrnllr 11(11 Willi l'l1>lurbcd ph•r
mg m the background • Eldridge
is confident, 1hough, tha1 he will
coniinue 10 tnumph 10 a111a1eut
competition: "I'm the Dean of
Stuc.lents I nlways wiJl."'
~ldridg(• denied any tenswn
beLwcen hun>ell and I.C Snow ·11
was ju,1 a li11 le 1msuncler,;1and
mg." he said. "we w(lrkcd it ou1
Stephens a great gu)< .. a pal D011'1
let anyone 1cll )'OU olherwbe.'
When asked abou1 his plans
ror the weekend. Eldridge
laughed. ·'Whal do you think? I'll
be hilting the slopes w1lh LCS."
"In fact." whispered Ekhidge. "I
might even get stoked ror I he <>C·
casionl" Palatine Tribune Tuesday, April I, 2003
STUDENT ORG'S
Org. for Peace & Politics
finds anonymous note
The OrganizaLion for Peace
and Politics, a swdcm-run orga
niz...1tion which has heen I he main
voice aga.im•t the war on c.un•
pus, received a semi-thremening
anonymous note litst week
·1 he note, composed enttrel)'
of char.icters cut otu of maga
z111es. read ,inly "TRY F7."
,\ brief l11vcs1iga11on by C:im
pu, :,,1fe1y revealed Lha1 F7 is the
ker used 10 trigger ·,rell check"
in Microsoft \.\1ord.
Officer David Becker hypo1h
es1zed 1ha1 1he note might have
been refemng ti> th, gross spell
ing ermrs in OPPS posttrs, which
led many students m believe that
OPP actually st0od for •orgaiza•
ti011 for Peace asd roll1 lcs."
•w~ are ou1ragecl by I he sug
gestion I ha1 our signs S.1)' any
Lhing we don, intend them 10."
s.11d OPP member Megan L111d
h.:,Jm. "An)'way. F7 is for s1ss1es."
GRADUATES
Grad to receive Invent
ing America degree
John Ayscough, 3n LC se
nior. will graduate in only six
shon weeks. Like many seniors,
he1 1101 q_uiLe sure what th> aflcr
graduation. Blu i\y:><:ough face, •
slightly more complicated dlif1n
ma -having majored in ln\lent•
ing t\mcnca, he~ uot :,ur.: hc.,w
u1e degree will be.ncftt !um 111 the
·real world."
• i found I ha, the classes
in lnvenling America re:iUy
insp1ring ... Lhc cl.isscs, 1hc male•
rial. evC1)'thu1i. so.,cl Aysc!'ugh
"from 1ha1 lir..L ,cmc>1cr. I knew
whnt I wamcd 1,, do w11h my"').
lcgc career
~lowcvcr. Ayscoui;h believed
he W:lS stud)'mg lmernauonal Af ..
fairs, a recognized major. "Well,
everyone refers 10 ii us IA any•
w.1y," he said in•defense. "'how
was I 10 k11<>w lhey me:ml mo1 her
department?"'
"I've no ,den how he slipped
through our system," !'aid Regt;;• orar Dell Smith,
Arter learning 1hn1 the dcj\re~
he struggled wi1h for four years
is meaningles~ outside Lewis &
Clark, and Lhal ,he program itself
may b.:! phased om in the corrung
rears. Ayscuugh wa., "hearlbr.>
ken 4"
"i\11 1hosc analyse.s of Plato);
cave ... DeTocqucv,llc ... all that,
me.111u1gless?" Ay!ICough askt'.cl.
Af1er graduati,>n, Ar-
scough plans 10 enroll m the
Peace Corps, where he can
S!">rt"ad tlw t~achings of ln\'ent ..
mg t\mt.:rit::i acros~ Llat.' gl,,bi.:
STUDENT LIFE
Haick's hair revealed
lm'C$1lgauve reporu.ng hr the
Pala11ne Tribune has final))' un
covered I he true hair color ol Erm
tlaick. cdil or in chief or rival pa
per the Pion.-a l.og. Though I l,1ick
j:, we.II.known around Gl111pus ror
hrightlr drcd hair in shades rmm
green 10 purple, the Tribu11c can
«·veal that 1hc tru1h 1s far more
freak,sl, -lla,ck', natural loo~
,s a red. green. yellow. and black
plaid. which r~markably hold; ILs
p31lt'rn r,·grircllc.,s of ~t }'IC.
A reporter for the l'nlaunc
Trlhu11c pcrsunally observed the
1hrec-hour blcadung-and-d)'·
ing proc.t_1;s used 10 cova up hn
freakish locks. When confrontrd
by the Tribune ab<>Lll her I rue hair
color, Ha,ck Wll$ ln111ally clefi
am. bul evenrually broke down
in ang.s1-ncldcn. goth cnes. ·II I
cnuld onl)• be a natur:11 blo11de1
sh,• sobbctl. "I'd Gmlly lit in with
I he rest uf LC,
James Christie
gets laid
:,yndicated colu111nb1 ancl big
man l>ll campus Jamt:"S Cltni,ll<'.
famflu.-, fnr makmg hi.s love lifl'.
(or lack therc,,O publlr domain.
has lv>I lu, v11g11111y :11 !1,111g
l:J....;1 Ch n!'tJ~ rdu:-.t.·d to name
1lw "luckr lady.' lcaJ1ng ,um<
lO doub1 his chum I le wa:i c;;i
gcr-to describe the encoun1e.r m
detnU. however, ancl has po,Lcd
a Jund narration with nn Ulw,
ll:lle<l appendix c,I p<>si1lons em•
ployed ou1,ide the ASI.C officr
Among the many fl.'at urcd wc·rt
1he ",1111kb11g" anti 111'' "hungry
giraffe.· Palatine Tribune Tuesday, April 1, 2003 MORENEWS3
Ashcroft names Pamplin Society terrorist group
The group's "reign
of terror" will come
to an end, says the
Attorney-General
by JANET RENO
The Tribune
Speaking Crom the sieps or
the United Statcts capl1_al. Al•
1ornt)' Gcnu,d John t\shcrorL
labded 1he Lewis & Clark
Pamplin SodCI)' a front for an
in1crna1ioual a terrorist organl•
:ation. He declared 1he Soc1tty~
"re.ign ur ltrror ... was twer, and
Lhat leaders would soon be taktn
Into custod)~
11The exch1s1,·c n:uurc of the:
Pnmphn SOC't<ly -Lheir secret
mutmg:,, ~ere\ ro01ns, and un•
~c1fied ·community service
proicclS nil point 10 • dangerously
subversive acltvtues," Ashc;rofl
""'' "They use the Lewis & Clark
nuernauonal focus to bring fellow
conspmnors from other coun
tries, to plot against Amenca from
the inside: said Ashcrof1.
·under the leadership of Cur
tis Johnson. codednamed "CuJo.'
lhe Sociely works to undem,ine
Amencan society." sa,d Ashcroft.
"the Society represents a threat
10 the American way of life. and
must be disbarred •
The Pamplin Society ls LC's The Pamplin Society's paramilitary gear and secretive behavior is a leading sign of
terrorist activity, said Attorney General John Ashcroft after their arrest
olcles1 honor society. Members
are invited to apply their first year
and, ,f accepted, remain in the
"'roup unul graduation.
Soclet y members are recog
mzed at the Commencement
Honors Corwocatlon, as well :l.$
other umes dunng the year. The)'
are chosen for commilmem to ac
ademic integrity. leadership. com
munity service, and other 1ra11.s.
"h's the perfect front -hard-
workmg, commun1ty•mmded students -but we at the Depan
ment of Justice are on 10 their
game," Ashcroft proclaimed.
Society member Oliver Tuhol
ske dech1med Ashcrofls accusa
tion, noting the many communl-
1y-onen1ed evenlS the Society has
sponsored in the past, including
0110 Sack day, when Ivy ls re
moved from the campus mine.
But Ashcroft presented • very
different picture than Tuholskes
communHy•m1nded organiza .. tion. Ashcroft cited unnamed
sources deep within the society,
saymg "they have maps and sche
matics for planning. the internet
for communication, and chemists,
physicists, and social scientists on
staff. Cleary. this organizauon ls
up 10 no good.•
Ponland businessman Robert
Pamplin Jr. was also implicated
in Ashcroft\; denuncialion, as the
primary funding me.mber of the
Society. The Pamplin Soci
ety joins a number • of other campus
groups declared
terrorist organiza
tions:
Stitch 'n Bitch: A "knit
ting society"? Obviously
a rerrorist from organl
wrion
Taize Prayer: Led by
Sister Lore11a Schaff, still
at large
Kyoto Now!: Environ
memal awareness and
activism
ElectroAcoustic Com
posers Guild: Hosrs of
the Electronic Music
Festival, a dangerous
subversive program
Picture This Productions:
Producers of LCTV;
now closed down by the
Justice Deparrment--who
says censorship is dead?
■ OPP is milking their growing influence for all i('s worth IA department to re
OPP's
new
aircraft
carrier,
paid for
by SAAB,
will be
displayed
on the
Grassy
Knoll op
posite the
Pamplin
Sports
Center.
by CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
The Tribune
SAAB bas awarded the
~tude1u~nm Orgao.i?ation for
Peace and Politics a grant for
the purchase of an aircrah car•
rier, which 1he group says il
plans to use in futthcr protests
of the war.
In a su11eme1u ,ssued Friday.
OPP s.,ld II will "spray paint Lhe
body or the CMricr with all the
ways the govorn01en1 cnuld be
us,ng 1he money now being spenl
on a war in lf':lq, •
SAAU approved Lhc grant re
quest unanimously, calling it a
·clearly articulated expression of
the wishes u[ paclfis,s on cam
pus· 'We were actually kind of sur
prised ,ha1 nobod)' had asked ror
this k,nd of thmg before." said
James Chnstie, Assistant to the
Vlce President of Student Aca
demic i\ffairs, Am)' Lillis. •1 mean,
we've done the silent protest, the
teach-m. and Lhe w,lk-om-buy
mg an aircrart carnc-r Is just the
next logical s1ep."
OPP member Leigh Malverson
1old the Palaline Tribune that she
Lbinks this ""II get OPP's message
out to the world In a forceful way.
•lls time we as students let
the Dep"nment of Defense know
what's what." she said "Peace is
clearly the prevailing wish among
students, •nd I think it's great that
SAAB Is supporting us in our ef.
fons."
The aircraft carrier will be displayed on the Grassy Knoll.
facing Pamplin $pons Cen1er.
and will remain open 10 general
vandalism by the public until the
bombing stops Ir the Bush ad
mimstrauon Ines 10 mm a bllnd
e)'e 10 Lhe demons, ration. OPP
plans to begin demolishmg the
carrier. piece by piece.
"Let's sec how they feel when
their precious ship is lying in
pieces on 1he ground, instead
of sailing around the Persian
Gulf forcing America's ,_,IJ un
the world and killing innocent
ch'ihans!" ano1hcr OPP member
chortled.
When awarding the i,,nm,
SAAB ordered OPP to reser\'e a
small space on the bow of the
ship for pro-war students 10 ex
press their sentiments. ceive peacekeepers
Glynn will lead blue
helmets into Albany
by KOFI ANNAN
The Tribune
To combat the increasingly
intense c:onftict between mem
bers of the lnternational Affairs
department, secretary Nancy
Curran announce.d Tuesday
that she will ask the United Na
tions for a peacekeeping force.
presumably 10 be led by faculty
member Mary-Ellen Glynn.
"I just can~ 1ake 11 anymore."
Curran told rcponers in a press
conference held ln Albany's
Great Hall. "Cyrus Partovls al
ways launching cruise missiles
over my desk. Andrew Conell
keeps Slrapping explosives to hls
thtor)• books and hurling them
at Bob Mandell. and Rich Peck is
running some kind of diamond
smuggling nng from his office.
What kind of working conditions
are thesd Seriously!"
A temporary cease-fire, called
while 1he department moved from
the now-demolished faculty office
building into Albany, broke down
las, week, apparently ovcr who
would get 10 read the most recen1
,ssue of Foreign Affairs 6rsL ·n,e
argument. which sw1f1ly devoh·ed
mto a full-scale fistfight. had 10
be broken up by a pepper-spray
wieldmg Curran.
Since ,hen. the UN has insll· 1uted increasingly harsh penalties
for continuing hostilities. includ
ing threats 10 let So/An professors
teach International Affairs classes.
while IA professors are forced 10
teach lnven1ing America.
"The UN has tried everything
it can to avoid 1hc use of force,"
Curran said. ·but nothings
worked h's time to pass :t reso
lution and send In a force under
Chapter VII of the UN Chaner •
Chapter VII authority would
permn peacekeepers 10 use force
when separating combatanlS
The 1hreat of a peacekeepmg
force has received a variety of re•
sponses from ,he departmcn1.
"They can't 10uch met• cackled
Mandel. holed up m his office
,_,th n rocket launcher. 'I'm ,he
deparunent cha1r1•
"Nancy Curran has JUSl forgot
ten 1he most basic rule of mtema
tional affairs," said Panovi. "There
are. no permanent friends, no ·per
manent enemies, only perm.anent
interests.•
Glynn. the proposed leader of
any pencekeeping force, has been
quoted as saying she·d like 10 see
1he entire 1/\ department declared
a dem1htarized zone.
Most alanmng, Cumm said,
was Lhe recent discovery of a mass
grave benea,h the Oversens desk.
MosL o( the bodies appear to be
,hose of seniors working on their
Lheses, forensit'S scientlsts su,d,
although none have as yet been
identified. 4MORENEWS
Ores
invade
Copeland
by GRISHNAK
The Tribune
Four LC smdents are repor1-
cd missing this morning after
visiting the notoriously dan
gerous halls of Copeland. An
infestation of man.eating ores
ha.< been blamed for the di.sap
parcancc.
In the wake of Lord of Lhe
Rings, ores were driven ou, of
their notural habitat by curious
fans. Thr dense, impenetrable
mazes of Copel•nd were similar
~nough to the land of Mordor that
se\lcral ore tribes moved in_
The missing ,LUdems, last
sighted on the Copeland sky
bridge Friday evening, are
thought to have been devoured
by the ores. Am1ed search par
ues, dispatched seve.ral days ago,
have been unsuccessful in finding
any remams.
Shane Ostermeier. Director of
Student Actwiues and head of the
las, of Lhe reLUming search par
ties, expressed liltle hope. "Those
ores are damn effictenl, .. he said.
~ey leave nothing behind, ex
cluding the occasional scalp.''
The administration has had
Huie to say officially about the
missing students, but an admis
sions imem reported he.,ring
President Mooney growl, "four
down, one thousand six hundred
and seventy-eight to go."
Reports vary as to wh)' the
students-all of whom ,csl~
in Howard-were In Copeland
in the first place "This 1s a dan
gerous placr." Resident Director
Del Newhouse said in an inter ..
\1ew yesterday. "You don't just
come in here for a wolk. You
have to be armed and ready. You
never know what you might run
into. Those kids must have been
messed up. 'cause even l'm afraid
to go mto E-,'1ng •lone."
James Strachtenburg, room
ma,e of Dale Quakenbush. one
of the missing students, said his
roommate had been fa,scinated
wnh the Lost Stash of '84. a leg
endary three pound brick of mar
i;uana often featured In LC ghost
stones, wh1ch 1s rumored to be
hidden somewhere near E-11.
Last year, 1wo prospecLive
students were abducted and
consumed during New Student
Preview. Their heads were later
found on stakes omside the main
lounge. Periodic thefts of com
puters, food, and underwear have
also been attributed to the ores.
rhc current orclsh chieftain,
G'lok-g'nar the Younger, said
!Jule in defense of his tribe: "Ash
dautas Vrasubatlat. Vrasubatbu
ruk ug butharubatgruiuk." He
then proc.,eded 10 nlng feces at
reporters, chasing them 0Ul or h,s
lair in 13-23.
The Elvish council, coniposed
primanly of History and English
faculty, has reconvened in Watzek
to plan a comprehensive cam
paign of retribution against the
ormh hordes. Palatine Tribune Tuesday, April I, 2003
■ Expose: Are we trusting our lives to a satanic system?
Raz discovered to be from Hell
Investigation finds
students are riding a
highway to Hell
by THE ANGEL GABRIEL
The Tribune
A rece.nt investigation or
the Raz Transportation shuttle
service has uncove.red a little
known and highly controversial
fact about the company: it is. i_n
fact. straight from Hcll.
Private investigator Molly
Fhule, who was employed by the
College 10 conduct a thorough in
vestigation of the company's past,
called the discovery •unsurpris
ing.•
"This is actually something
we're discovering about a lot of
public transportation systems
across the country," she told re
porters. "It's becoming a trend,
All the.se years we've been blarn
lng our problems on poor plan
nmg and lazy drivers, but the
truth of the mauer is, we've just
entrusted our public transit ,o
Mell."
The administranon expressed
shock over the revelation about
Raz, the Colleges shuule semce
of three years.
'This 1s an appalling devel-opment," said Dean of Students
Jon Eldridge. "I've been riding
the shuule for a couple of years
now, and I never guessed. \\lhj•,
I sometimes take my daughter
on Lhe bus! What arc we corn
ing to?"
LC student Julian Dautrem
ont-Smith was the driving force
behmd Lhe investigation and
called ,his discovery 'the most
unexpected but the most reward
mg• of his LC career,
·1 was Just stuck on the bus
at Hawthorne one day with ap•
proximately 150 other people,
and this kid behind me goes 'This
f ...... shuttles right from Hell,"
said Dautremont-Smith. •And
I thought, 'Why not?' It was as
good an explanation as any I'm
just surprised it actually panned
out."
After ,he results of the inves
Jigation were released, a small
crowd gathered at the LC shuule
stop 10 protest the continued use
of Raz. Led by Dean of the Cha
pel Mark Duntley, they conducted
exorcisms of the shuules as they
arrived.
"Even though this campus is
mostly non-religious, there's no
reason for innocent people to be
putting their souls on the hne ev
ery Lime the)' want to go 10 Pow
ells or Saturday Market," Duntley "I was on the bus,
and this kid be
hind me goes 'This
fk"'""',......* shuttle's
right from Hell, and
I thought, 'Why
not?"'
-Julian Dautremont-Smith
said.
No one from Raz was available
for comment, although the head
demon-er, spokespe,son-1s
sued a statement apologizmg for
tbe compan)''s satanic affiliations
and promising significam infernal
reform.
A group on campus calling it
self "Students Against Satan" has
called for a similar investigation
into Mulberry, the campus email
sen;,:,,, which has exhibited
many or the same characteristics
as the shuule sen•icc; extreme de
lays, inconsistent service., and an
unavailable help hotline.
"We're making a stand against
the Devil on this campus," Presi
dent Michael Mooney said from
behind a glass window inscribed
with pentagrams. "Hes got 10
understand he simply won't be
tolerated al this instimtion." Myn's
Center
founded
by JESSE HELMS
The Tribune
Mithr.ts, a new all-male Stu
dent group devoted to promot•
lng awareness of masculine
issues on campus. has applied
for" gr.wt to est:,bUsb. a "Myns
center" in Tbaye.r Jounge.
The group, headed by Spar~,n
studies major Rock "The Ricep•
de Maupass.slll, hopes 10 estab
Ush a "safe zone" for men who
feel "threatened" by the ·excer;
sivc female populauon" at Lewis
and Clark
"\Ve're m the mmonty here
There arc so many females on
campus th31 many males fee.I op
pre5sed, scared I mean, theres
hardly any resources for a real
man to take advomage of, like. we
h,ve no outlet for our rna..:uhne
urges You know what I'm s.,y
mg?"
The Mu hras Myns center,
named for a deny worshipped
by an all-male pagan cult d1a
metrtcally opposed to the M)'P311a
movement, will prm~de a social
center for all masculimsLS on
campus.
As to the adoption of the ab
surdly out-of-place "y.' Bicep
said, "we don't want LO be as..
sociated with the standard 1m•
age or a Lewis and Clark male.
Most of the guys here a,e wimpy,
whipped. and absolutely Incapa
ble Qf standing up to the feminine
menace. The •y· allows us 10 sep
arate ourselves as liberated males,
independent and powerful We
are men, hear us bellow•
The Myn's Center will contain
a few stained, overstuffed couch
es, a mint-fridge bursting al the
seams with •cold ones,· a vintage
Galaga arcade, • punching bag.
a weight bench, big-screen TV, •
stereo pla)'lng a ncver--ending mix
tape of Led Zeppelin, AODC, Ju
das Priest, Motorhead, and early
Megadeath, and a box of free
magnum condoms.
Mypatla, the femmtst group on
campus. plans to sue for copy
right infnngemen1.
Mulberry to be replaced by carrier pigeons
IT has exchanged
Mulberry for afar
more efficient car-
' . . rier pigeon. service
by CHARUS DARWIN
The Tribune
In a move eagerly awaned
by frustrated students- across
campus, Information Technol
ogy has scrapped the faulty email
program Mulberry for a earner
pigeon sensce. which the depan
rnem says u hopes will speed up
communkation on campus.
•we had 10 do something."
said Chief Technology Officer
Dan Teno. "The situation was becoming critical-I've been told
dial-up would be faster!'
IT will issue a trained pigeon
to each incoming freshman dur
ing NSO for use during his or
her tenure here at Lewis&: Clark.
Students will be responsible for
the upkeep of their pigeons, al
though IT will issue stipends for
pigeon feed and provide a veteri
nary service.
One bug IT still needs to work
ou, of us 11ew syStem (s the prob
lem of running class listserves,
where a professor can send an
email 10 all his or her students
,vith JUSt one address. Suggested
soluLions 10 this problem include
training squadrons of pigeons or
delivering class-wide messages 10
the dining hall. "h11 be just like I-tarry Polter!"
Terio enthused "Birds swoop
ing here and there, delivering
mess.1ges al high speed ... I 1-.-now
owls might look better, like they
ha"c at Hogwarts, but we aren't
equipped for a nocturnal serY1ce
yet, and pigeons are cheaper."
The landscaping crew has ex
pressed concern o,•er the amount
of extra work lhey will have as a
result of the introduction of thou
s.1nds of pigeons to the campus,
but Terio was unconcerned~
"Landscaping will Just have
to learn how to deal ,vith an ex
ce.ss1ve amount of pigeon drop~
pings." he said dismissively.
"That's nothing a liule soap. wa
, ter, and elbow grease can't take:
care of. What we're planning Pigeons will be the basis of
IT's new intra-campus com•
munications network.
bere 1s a revoluuon in the campus
communicauons network!" Palatine Tribune Tuesday, April 1, 2003 STILL MORE NEWS 5
Chutkow dissolves ASLC, declares self Emperor for Life
ASLC President
dissolves ASLC and
declares himself
Emperor for Life -
Executive Council is
outraged
by ALMO STRUE
The Tribune
Associated Students of
Lewis &: Clark (ASLC) Com1•
cil members returned to their
offices on the Monday after
Spring Break 10 find that lhe
locks on their doors had been
changed. They found a note Crom
ASl.C President Ethan Chutk<1w
informing them that they were no
longer wdcome 10 participate in
s1udenL government. In Lhe letter,
Chutkow stated, ••n apparent di
vide wnhm Council has kept our
progress minimal; therefore, I am
d1ssolvmg student government
and dedarmg myself Emperor
for Ufe.•
Councl members' reactions
ranged from shock Lo anger
"Ethan has always acted like
a power-hungry d1cmor who
wished he could Just gei nd of
the rest of us: S1'11ed Elections
Commlssioner Mane Knapp, "but
I never thought he would actually
do IL."
Vice President for Student
Organizations John Worst was
less qu.,ck to make a judgment.
·1 thmk we all need to sll down
and talk 10 Ethan before slinging
accusations at him," Worst said. "He may have a good reason for
abolishing student government
and declanng himself supreme
rule-r."
Th1s latest acllon comes after
a long senes of conOic,s within
A~l.C. The tension came 10 a head
recen~y when Chutkow 6red
Leigh Halverson, his Admmistra
uvc Assistant. Chu1kow claimed
he wos unhappy ,vith Halve~ns
mee1 ing minutes, while some
Council members charged 1hat
Chutkow had fired ttalverson be
cause she often spoke out again.st
Chutkow's proposals in meetings.
"h's not 1ha1 I minded her talking,
ll was just 1ha1 she said things
that challenged my authority," ex
plained Chu1kow
Chutkow defended hls deci
sion 10 abolish ASLC in an Inter
view with the Palatine Trib1111c,
stating. "What choice did I have?
I couldn\ fire the Board like I fired
Letgh, so I had to dissolve the.
government. Obviously, I couldn\
change my own behavior The
best way Lo deal with confiicl Is Lo
Simply purge those you disagree
with. It worked for past dictators,
11·11 work for me!"
Chu,kow also noted that ASLC
staff advisor Shane Osterme1er
had approved the dissoluuon of
ASLC. tlowever, when contacted.
Os1ermeier denied any mvolve
ment or prior knowledge of the
coup. •ir I were In Ethan's place,
I would have abolished student
go\lemment a long time ago,"' Os•
termeier admiued, "These people
make me sick. Don·1 1bey have
roof lives like other s1udtn1S?"
As Emperor for Life, Chutkow
stated lhat he would work to gain respect for ASLC from the ad
mmistratio~ I-le announced. •t
plan 10 spend all the remammg
student fees 10 purchase wine
and cheese. Then I will throw
elaborate dmner parues for my
adminlstrator friends. Maybe
then the)' ,viii respect me. Noth
ing bnngs respect like a Huie ass
ki.ssing. • Chutkow also suggest
ed that the admtmstrators will
respecL the ·new and 1mpr0\·ed"
ASLC minutes, which he was
sure they read each week.
In the Interview, Chut.kow
criticized the student body for
failing 10 approve the suggested
Bylaw revisions. "Those blasted
studenlS don\ understand how
bard i worked on I hese changes,"
he said "But now that I'm Em
peror for life, I'm going 10 insll•
tutc whatever rules I damn well
wan1: he contlnued, "and there
is nothing they can do about ii
Now I'm really finishing this year
up in glory!'
Ethan expressed chagrin that
students some.Limes fail to ap
preciate his efforts and do not
Involve 1hcmselves in ASLC. 'I
come lo campus almost 3 days a
week," he said.
Chutkow also expressed frus
Lration over Lhe recent elecllon
of Khai East as next year's ASlcc'
President. •1 refuse 10 hand over
my power to a woman; this is a
man's job," he stated. 'Besides,
'Khai scares me. She seems to
have opinions on Lhings."
When asked whether he had
the authority to dissolve s1uden1
government, Chutkow immedi
ately became visibly agitated.
"Hey! This is my interview, Fru~trated with ASLC unproductivity, ASLC President Ethan
Chutkow has dissolved the student government and de
clared himself Emperor for Life.
I'll ask the questions. Why is ev
eryone auackfng me?" He 1he11
accused the Palali11t Tribune of
having a "pro-Julian• bias.
Only Pa1rick Neighom, ASLC's
Technology Advisor and Ethan's
loyal auack dog defended Chu1-
kow~ actions. Ncighorn said. "J'm
tired of people dragging Ethan~
n.ame through the mud and ma
liciously assaulting his charac1er. This Council thing sm,ply wos
not working our."
"This only cements Ethan's
position as the worst ASLC
.President ever," said Julian Dau
lft:mom-Srnilh, Chief Justice "1
Just hope that he realizes 1ha1
because he has been so busy try
ing 10 control all of us, he hasn\
accomplished an)"hing produc
Live all year."
New appointment to History replaces So/An dept.
''diversify'' LC staff as ''biggest pain-in-the-ass''
by RALPH ELLISON
The Tribune
John C. Callahan, Motg•n S.
Odell Professor of Humanities,
has been appointed "honorary
bl.1ck professor" by Dean Cur
lis Johnson. The distinguished
position was created ln response:
10 s1uclm1 demands lo diversify
the faculty-while not actually
diversifying the faculty.
A spokesperson for the Col
lege told reporters lost week that,
while diversity Is "important," It
is not important enough 10 ·go
through the hassle of hiring a
person of color." He went on 10
explain 1he dunes of the position:
"We here at the College are in fa.
vorof diversity, we think diversity
15 a good thmg. Just like gender.
As 1he litemry executor for the es
tate of Ralph Ellison. lCallahanl is
the only man for the Job. Hence
forth, he will be expected 10 wear
blackface and eat watermelons at
all public appearances.•
Callahan was ecstauc 10 hear
of his appointment: 'I think
Ralph would approve. We've
made a great step forward in ro.ce
relations at Lewis &: Clark Did
I mention Raiph yet? I'll just let ,!,
Black is back with John
Callahan"s new position.
it drop again--y'know, me and
Ralph. we go way back• When
asked If he didn't find the state•
mems of the College 10 be, well,
Just a little insensiuve, Callahan
scratched b,s ear and blinked for
several minutes before respond
ing: "I dunno. some of my best
friends are black people. Hey, di
dja hear 1ha1 I used 10 hang out at
Ellison's pad?"
BSU issued a formal declara
tion of war agamst the admm~
isLralion fn protest. Plans for a
siege will be discussed tonight at
7:00pm ln Thayer. His101y picks up the
slack when it comes
to annoying the ad
ministration
by DIANE NELSON
The Tribune
Lewis & Clack bas a long
cradition or fuculty dissent
:md administration frustration
when questioned. But ,vith
lhe gradual gutting of the Sol An
depanmen1, dissent has become
a thing of the past for faculty
meedn~.
Or so ii seemed, until recmlly.
While So/An Is losing professors
at a terminal rate and fahcring
in their mission to question the
admims:tration 's every decision,
a new department has arisen to
take Its place
"The History department Is,
bar none, the biggest pam in the
ass on this campus," said Dean
Cums Johnson m a candid inter
view. ·1 thought the faculty had
anally come to an understanding
about the relationship between
faculty and administrators, but
then !Maul Levinger and Elliot [Young) Jumped in and started
questioning me."
•rm Dean of the College! My
,viii is law!" exclaimed Johnson.
The most noticeab1e instance
of the History deparunents com
bative: an1tude was a motion to
remove Johnson from his positlon
•s Dean iast year. This year, the
History department has continued
10 be a thom in the side of the
"The History de
partment is, bar
none, the biggest
pain in the ass on
this campus."
•Curtis Johnson
College's top level executives The
depanment has launched a cam
paign 10 retain Rebecca Becker, •
highly regarded professor lacking
a doctoral degree.
'You try geumg real reforms m
tlus school with History constam
ly second guessing your mouva
lions," continued Johnson. "The
CAP report. lnvenung Amenca,
even the academic calendar -fac-uhy meeungs have debate now,
and while we might encourage
tll31 in our students, who really
are powerless in the future of the
campus, it's not something we
wam from long-1erm members or
the community."
In spite of their in.soknce, or
perhaps because of ii, History
has seen an mcrease in enrolled
majors. •1m glad my department
stands up for students and the
fmure of academia at LC.' sold
Tricia Pe.arson, a senior double
major in Philosophy and History.
The trend o[ questioning as
sumed ideas is spreading 10 other
departments, as evidenced by the
LC Snow controversy ln Decem•
ber. Psychology professor Brian
Del\viler-Bedell defended the ski
and snowboarding dub agamst
accusauons of drug use by Dean
of Studcnls John Eldridge
Elridge loo is feeling the stmg
or an tnqlllSlU\fe faculry. "'Bnan
quesuoncd my judgment regard
mg students.· said Eldndge. "But
I'm the Dean of StudenlS. I al
ways win.•
·11 all comes back 10 History,"
Johnson re!tera1cd, "If they hadn)
started quesuonmg me, nont or
this would have happened." 6 STILL MORE NEWS Palatine Tribune Tuesday, April 1, 2003
Brains,
braaaaainns:
The College
will reanimate
intrepid ex
plorers Lewis
and Clark to
celebrate the[r
upcoming
bicentennial. LC vegans
demand
red meat
The Bon finds irself
besieged by angry
herbivores
by GEORGE FOREMAN
77,e Tribune
The. LC vcg;m communily
stormed the Bon today, pork
chops iu haf1d with signs read•
ing, "Give us red me.at or give
us death!" They delivered a
petttton to Jeff Rou demnndmg
1ha1 the Bon serve mot( me:n m
hght of the l\ons recent trend ol
making soy milk. and ve!!-<tanan
and vcgsm en1 rl.!tS. so a\'a1lable
that many LC ::,tude1,1s h:wt gone
vegan, as one student s.·ud, ''just
fot ,he heck of IL·
Bodies of Lewis and Clark to be reanimated "It has become so easy to be
vegan and so many people ,re
clomg it that vcganism has lost
its radical edge," said Rob I k>p·
kinson, n ft>nner vegan gone red ..
meat crusi,der, Kellar Autumn and
team to reanimate
the bodies of Amer
icas most famous
explorers for the
bicentennial
by DR. FRANKENSTEIN
The Tribune
lntrepid explorers Mer-
riwether Lewis and \Villia~
Clark will be magickally
brought bacl< to life for next
year's celebrations. Stephen
Dow Beckham announced Fri
day. A team of College Special
forces faculty led by Manne
Lancc-Corpor:tl Anthony Swof
ford has recovered the remains of
the famous duo. and construction
is currently underway on a gecko
powered rtan1mation dc\1Ce to
be housed In the basement of tht
new Howard Center. Beckham hopes that the "LC
Uncle.ad" will attracL even more
visitors than were previously ex•
peeled: "Who wouldn't want to
chill w1th the actual Le\\ss and
Clark? I mean, my gig's prelly
good for the monthly faculty
binges, but there's no way I could
l0p the genuine amcle. Everyone
loves the undeadl"
Pres,dern Mooney. though
reluctant to talk to reporters, ex
pressed some doubts over ProJect
Endunng Explorers: ·1he idea
of those two shambling around
campus makes me ... uncomfort~
able. Oon'1 zombies eat brains?"
The means used to acquire
the skeletal remams of Lewis and
Oark has caused some contr0·
versy among the faculty. The His•
tory and S<>IAn depanmenlS have
come oul against the 11exccssively
,·1olent methods" of the r<CO\'ery
crew, citing the multiple d1sap
peomnces of bureaucro1s ond
historians that ha\'e been attrib
uted to "SwoITord's Swordsmen• as "crimes against humoni1y.• In
response, Swofford mumbled
something about •eollateml dam
age• and reached for his sideann,
There ha,•e been no further com
plaints,
"The revivification
device works with
Van der Waals forc
es generated by a
bank of 517 geckos
suspended from
the walls and ceil- ,,
ing of the reaction
chamber."
-Kellar Autumn
The reanimation, scbedt~ed
to take place over the next three
months. will employ a process
developed by I.C's own Kellar Autumn ... The revivification de~
vice works wnh Van der Waals
forces generated by a bank of 517
geckos suspended from the walls
and ceiling of lhe reactton cham•
bcr. The s.,mc magick that allows
Geckos to malntain their Incred
ible fuel efficiency will rebuild
the bodies of the test subjects and
restart all ,1tal funcnons. Unfor
tunately. we arc JS of now unable
to retneve their souls." Autumn
said he got the ,dea for his de•
sign from the Necrowombicon,
a book he found 'wlnlt browsmg
the stacks at Powell's.·
Once the rev1vtfica1ion process
1s complete. the somewhat-living
adventurers will parllc1pate in
Lhe symposia and lecture senes
planned for next spring. h 1s stUI
unkno\\'n ,f the undead explorers
,viii he playmg themselves m the
upcoming OMNIMAX block
buster. which Palatine Tribune
has been told is called "Bill and
Merriwether's Excelknt Adven
ture." .. We're seeing just :molhcr W3)'
that the people in power Lry to
take away any human choice and
co-opt our fonns of protest. I he
USDA and the system forced us
10 be meat and dairy consum·
ers. now they think they can get
away w1th making Uh e111 t1othmg
but vegetables," Jane Doe ,a,d,
"We took back ·cunt' la,t year;
we're t.tkmg back 'steak' th1,
year," another radical satd
.. Meat eaters are an cnd;ingcrcd
species at this school RAG always
wants to be on 1he side of the
most disadvamagecl groups ~H this
school. the ones who don\ have a
votcc and thAl's cemunl)' nol Lhe
veganhcgetanans these doys."
said Marie Knapp of RAG
Members ol Lhc recently
formed Meathead club are callmg
for students to demand meat at
Lhe Bon and 10 boycou vegrtable
products. 1he campaign is using
the cntchphrnse. •1s that fried in
See VEGANS/ Page 8
Hippies go to war, obscure causes get lonely
evil influence of multinational Hippies abandon.
obscure causes
by THE GHOST OF CHE GUEVARA
The Tribune
In a rare development, by
supporting the antiwar move
ment. h.ippie.s at Lewis & Clark
and across the cou.r)try have
been promoting an issue that
directly affects their own lives
and the rest of the commu•
nity, leaving obscure issues in
far parts of tlie world sad and
lonely without the only base
of people who actually cared
about them,
By some repons this Is the first
ume smce the Cml Rights move
ment ond the Vietnam War Lbat
hippies have actively protested
a concrete issue that would have
an Impact on the,r own ltve.s. In the past few decades the focus or
protests has ,h1fted from improv
ing conditions wuhin one's own
tommumty 10 obs.cure environ~
mental and hurnan rights issues
in remote parts of the devdop,ng
world with very small chances of
successfully changmg pohoes or
cond111ons
Anuwar protes.lS also revolve
~uound an issue that 1he general
pubhc has knowledge of. and an
uwar op1mons are based on rdi
nble information, another change
from re-cent htppie tmdiuons
Not everyone ,s pleased
w1th the relative popularity and
strength of the anttwar move
ment, however.
The Colocolinos, a tiny eth•
nic group in central Chile, h.-·,
found It nearly Impossible 10
have their voices heard in their
ongoing struggle against the op•
pression of globallzauon and the corporations
The group has been up In
arms since last October, when
the Blockbuster Video Corpora·
uon suspended the membership
of the group's religious elders for
fatlure to pay exorbitant late fees
incurred on thetr rental of "Duce
Bigelow Male Gigolo." which ts a
key part of their coming of age
and funeral ntuals.
"I don't know what the prob
lem 1s," said 1-lcrcdio Vargas, a
spokesman for the group, •we've
got cverythmg, the small tribe
in the developing country, the
obscurity, 1he e,il corporauon,
we don't rc,11ly h.-·c an envi
ronmental lssue, but 1 expected
something. At least a few whne
ktds ,vith dreadlocks Come on,
Chile's really easy to get to. Can,
we have. a petillo-n or a candle
hgbt vigil or something? Closer to home,
the shifting nllen
Lfons of nctivislS arc
also being felt m the
state of Washington,
where logging pro
duction has been
able to happen at
record rates due to
lack of protest.
The logging in
dustry has had lt.s
costs from the an•
uwar movement
also, however. Many
lrees have shown
slow growth and
are dropping a great
deal of needles this
year, a phenomenon
that scienusts cla1m
1s due ,o their de
pendence on the Hippie support for the antiwar move
ment has left other causes high and dry.
body heat of an acuvist chained
to their trunks that the trees have de,•doped through evolution over
the past thirty years Palatine Tribune Tuesday, April 1. 2003
Realizing you've spent
$100,000.00 on a
shuttle pass:
Priceless. REALAD ... WE SWEAR 7
Tuition: $23,730/year
/
Room & board,
14-meal plan: $6,630/year
/
Books: $300/semester
/
Parking permit,
resident: $150/semester
/ ...
Dorm supplies; $200/semester
/
Robert B. Mccraken 2001 8 CALENDAR
Student easily finds
parking space
A breakdown in Trans
porta1ion & Parking
leads to a convenient,
timely parking experi
ence.
by RALPH NADER
The 7l-ib1111e
Gwendolyn Acsad •• a jun.tor a1
Lewis & Cla.rk, was surprised
on Monday when she easily
found a parking place at 11:
30am.
"I was running lale lO my 11:30
h1>lory class, and figured I'd be
lwenly minutes or more looking
for a spOl. As il lumed oul, I just
pulled into Campus Safety and
lhcre ii was." Acsadi explained
The spol Acsadi grabbed was
kss than 1wo mlnme walk 10
class. meaning the junior was m
class and leammg on 1ime.
-'I don't know whal went wrong
here.' said Mark Morgan, Direc1or
of Transpona1ion and Parking.
"We've done our bes1 to make a
free parking space impossible to
find on campus, and then this
happens?•
Morgan explained that
Transpona11on & Parkmg
carefully balanced the needs of
faculty. students, and staff when
coding parking spaces and
enforcing 1-foweve.r. a source close to
Parking & Transponation LOld the
Palatine Tnbune a different story.
"Someumes we JUSt throw darts
at a campus map to code parking
spaces: the source explained,
Additionally, with the general
economy and LC's budget doing
poorly. some of the responsib1l11y
for raising revenue has been
shifted to Transportation &'
Parkmg, This year, parkmg fines
were raised and a new registration
system was put m place 10 catch
those relonious students who
shp through the cracks, thus
depriving the College of needed
revenue
"Its not an accident thal the
Transportation &: Parking
regula1ions are vague and ill•
defined," said the inside source.
"Ir no one can figure out 1he rules.
we can do what we like. The
carpool pass incident early this
semester was a godsend, because
it ga,•e us a nice cushion on our
fundraising quota •
•we do our utmost 10 be
helpful, and provide a fair,
unbiased appeals process,
should there be a dispute." said
Morgan "So far this year, I've
been very happ)' with the results
or our work. I 1hink we've had
good communication and really
reached an understanding with
stud ems in the community.·
Near constant changes in parking policy combined with
impenatrable regulations have led to numerous parking
fines -possibly not by accident.
Vegans: Red meat
demanded in the Bon
■ From page 7
bacon fat?
"If you ask for pork. make ,ure
they aren't gl\~ng you d1sgu1sed
1oru or seuan, Beware the vegan
s.iusagc pames. They arc very
misleadmgl" Taha Schoenn. 1 he
head of Meathead warned. '
Mca1heads arc in the
cducanonal stage of 1heir
campaign at this ume. In
preliminary assessments, only
30% or smdems were able 10
d1stingulsh be1ween meal pallies
and veg1burgers and 1n blind laste Lests and 70% preferred
soy,nilk to cow milk. ahhough
1 hey could be I ricked 11110 likmg
normal nulk w11h a squin of
chocolate mixed in.
The Mea1heads aim to have
mea1 op11ons at all 7 or the Bon
Imes by next year. They have
already succeeding m ge111ng
1erky available at the Trail Room,
·suppon the struggling meat
industry! Hooray for omn1\rorest"
1he Meat heads cheered together
in closing, Palatine Tribune Tuesday, April I, 2003
SEEITDOIT
Where to go and what to do: Lew;s & Clark highlights
SPORTS / Competi
tive Knitting
2:30pm Tuesda;1, April I,
Pamplin Sports Center
Come see LCs premier
knitting circle take on rivals
in nearby colleges for a
state Litle.
EVENTS / ASLC
Brawl
4:45pm Tuesday, April I,
Thayer. Templeton Student
Center
Student leaders come to
fisticuffs over anything and
everything,
EVENTS / French
kissing solidarity
action
2:30pm Wednesday, April 2,
Fields Dining Hall, Temp/e1011
S111dem Cemer
Sponsored by OPP. grab a
parmer and tongue-wrestle
for peace.
EVENTS / Faculty
Brawl.
3: I 5pm Wednesday, April 2,
Miller 105
Faculty members come Lo
lis'riculis over calendars,
proper procedure, and
Dean Johnson,
EVENT / Drum and
smoking circle
11:30pm Wednesday, April J,
lower campus
Lewis & Clarks few remain
ing hippies gather in solidar
ity for a chance to commune
with nature and each other,
~ ARTS / Jon Eldridge SERVICE / Satur
slam poetry read-
ing
8:30pm Thursday, April 3,
Rusty Nail
LC'.s Dean of Studenrs takes
to the mic to share renec
tions on life, love, and the
new dorms. Yo.
Eldridge will regale audie11ces
with humorous tales of his
own college experiences.
RELIGIOUS LIFE /
Chapel Service
1 O:OOam Sunday, April 6, Ag·
11es Flanagan Chapel
Christ himself alighrs from
Heaven to deliver the Sun
day sermon and save LC
souls.
Christs Sermon i11 lhe
Chapel is e.rpected 10 ad
dress God's will i11 the rece111
Middle East hostili1ies. days in Service:
Oregon Chapter of
the National Guard
8:00am Saturday, April 12.
Cemerfor Service and Work,
Templeto11 Swdem Ceme,:
CSAW organizes this effort
to get LO know the face be
hind ti1e emergency gear, so
the next time you're templ
ed LO engage in civil d isobe
dience ...
EVENT / Nakedness
for peace!
4:40pm Mo11day April 14,
Womyn ,. Cemer. Templeton
Student Cemer.
The Womyn's Center will
stage a celebration of naked
bodies and the peace that
comes rrom knowing one's
self.
MUSIC / Hungarian
Bohemian Orches
tra
7:00pm Thursday. April 17,
Agnes F/a11aga11 Chapel.
Sponsored by Ans &-. Ideas,
the Orchestra transposes
heavy metal classics or the
'80s LO traditional instru
ments. We know you won't
go, but it's listed anyway.
EVENT / Nuclear
Bomb Detonation
5:38pm Friday April 18, the
World.
A nuclear bomb is detonat
ed by an unknown pany,
Retaliation 1s swift and from
all sides, Everyone dies,
including you.
~Once, they nwnbered in th· L~ thousands.
Now. because of careless admissions
pracrices, the LC Hippie is i11 da11ger
of di.\'(/ppeari11g forever, •
You can help.
Co111act your ASLC represemaiive
and urge him or her to support the
creation of a prmected wildlife
sa11cmary UJ provide hobitut for
these 11oble cru,wres,
or
Save-A-Hippie Fund at Lewis & Clark make an easy, t00% tar-deducrible
do,wtion to the Save-A-Hippie Fund, 503-768-7t52
Together, we can make a difference.