Lewis & Clark College

The Pioneer Log: Lewis & Clark College's Student-Run Newspaper

[Volume 64, Mossy Log]

Lewis & Clark College Student Newspaper

Pioneer Log Staff

2000-04-01

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newspaper

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Lewis & Clark College: Pioneer Log / Mossy Log

the
Volume , Numl>er 666 Saturday, Apn11, 2000
Student protesters upset by
failed attempts to get arrested
by Gregg Wanciack -------
Lcw,s & Clark pro1esters
were shocked last week when :o
clown lown protest ended suc­
cessfully and wuh no arreSlS.
Approximately firty students ar•
rived downtown at the hcacl­
quaners of the Amazoman Log•
ging and D:tm Corpornt1on,
housccl in ll,c former Pioneer
Counhousc Square S1:orbucks.
and concluc1cd a chaonc hour•
long melce which ,mraculously
rcsuhcd 111 no arrests.
Pro1cs1ers gathered outside
1hc_ former c.:offcchouse, wavmg
signs and yelling al incoming
personnel for their cons1rucuon
of dams in South America. The
pro1cs1crs confined their acuvi•
11es to verbal assault for nearly
the cn11rc :1hcrca11011, bUl when
:i logger, showmg unchar..1c1cr­
is1ic 1mde in his work, broughl
uut a s.1111ple of a crushed orchul
10 dispby to the protesters, Siu•
den LS "'t.•rc u nabk h> rest mm
themselves.
"You have drs1roycc.l the one
thing 1h31 1s good and sacred ,n
thi, world!" shou,ccl one um•
dcn11fied s1udcn1.
!,111,lcn1s nml employees of
A LDC clashed in a blood ba1 h
lhat nvcdlowcd 11110 the neigh­
boring N<>rds1rom's. d1srupl1ng
tomn,crcc nnd tcmfy111g uppcr­
dass shoppers whu had never
cncoun1crcd n member or 1hc
Hippie Movement. washed or olherw1sc.
Portland pohcc were called
when 1hc combmcd n11gh1 of the
Al.DC and Nordstrom's sccumy
proved inadequate 10 handle 1he
crowd's fury.
•we arrived on the scene, bm
11 didn'1 look aU 1ha1 scnous. The
LC kids were jus, lcumg olf
some stream. whu:h 1s com ..
pletely normal ror their age,•
said Police Cap1am Mark Smith,
1 he commanding otliccr on the
scene.
'"They've got some 1.ssucs w
work out, and exercise 1,5 a great
way to rehcvc excess tension~ ..
said Linda Jones, a paramedic on
1he scene, called 10 aitend 10
la1n11ng Nordstrom's gues1s.
"h's a healthy 1hmg 10 do," she conunucd.
The brawl ended wuhout out·
side intcrvcnnon. and some of
the LC protesters accompamcd
I he cmplo)'CCS or the Amazon tan
Loggmg and Dam Corpormion
mside 1hcir headquarters. Inside,
1hey n1CI ,v,1h CEO Jack Rogers
to discuss envuonmcntal dam ..
age to lhc Amazon Basin. The
meeting mside lasted only thirty
1ninmcs, but a press conference
was 1mmedia1ely called by
Rogers' company.
"l really feel 1ha1 we made
headway today. I was I ruly un•
aware of the destruc,ton that re­
sults from our Capl1alism,in•
Action program," read Rogers in
LC students and other protesters attempt to get arrested al
a Portland demonstration. Although most students were
upset that no arrests were made, some were actually
happy that effective change had been made.
Hardcore realist Partovi a changed man
by Quigley McDuffit
Speaking from lus 1rcc-s11
platfornt, one hundred [cet
above 1hc E.igk Creek Wilder­
ness Arca. Cyrus Partov1~ Senior
Lecture,, conresscd 1ha1 he 1s
now:. chnnged man. "I am now
a changed man: Partnvi began
in an exclusive Pioneer Lt,g m­
tcrview.
"Five years ago, I would not
he saying these things." Panov1
continued. "'But now l admu
1hat, you know, the environmcn\
is imponanl."
A,lcle<l Panovi, "I am an en­
vironmentalist. l cmc aboul po)­
lu1ion an<l, you know, stuff."
Pnr1ovl con~dcd that the
evcms or lasl year [Ouk • toll on
111111. "I realized 1ha1 I could no
longer idly stand b)' ,•hilc there
w:,s so much injustice in thc
world." After his own brushes
wuh institutionalizc<l bureau•
cracy, P:ircuvl realized that there
were others, more dis.1dv~nrnged
than himself. 1h31 he could help.
Pano,,, nlso noted 1ha1 he is
no newcomer 10 the rc:.tlm ol
sodnl j11sm-c, cuing his long­
s1andmg fnendsh1ps with Som h
Alric.,n Archbishop Dcsnrnnd
Tu111 and Louis Farrakhan frvm
the Nn11on ol' lslam. "My friend-International
Affairs guru
Cyrus Partovi
recently
participated in
the Eagle Creek
tree sit. An
environmentalist,
Partovi has
plans lo
revamr SEED
as wel as the
Radical Activist
group with his
hardcore
idealist
outlook.
ship with
Desmond has been
inspiring," s:tid
Panovl. "His pas­
sion for human
rights and justice
1s conlag1ous."
Partovi also listed other
1hings he now c.1rcs about: world
hunger, the spread of AIDS \n
Africa, United Nations refonna•
1ion, IMF and World Bank re•
..;iruclurlng, the: inclusion of en•
vlronmcntnl stondards and
workers rights in the World
Trade Organiz:uion. the chil­
dren. and sinall homeless pup•
pies. "We ore the world," con-eluded Partovl.
Finally, Partovi confessed his
reason for granting 1hc inter­
view. "'1 need to raise 3,v.1rcncss
or these wonhy issues," he said.
"Let the word go om all over
the W()rld." Partovi cried whh
pas5.hln as he rose-to a srn.nclmg
posilion, shaking the tree plll·
fonn dnngcrousl)', .. Partovi is a
changed man!" http://w-.lclarlc.edu/-piolog
After
announcing his
fatherly
relationship to
Cody Hoesly,
Michael Ford
recently gave an
overhead
f)resentation to
the Board of
Trustees. Here
he is shown
diagramming
the genealogy
behind this
controversial
claim. Just
before breaking
into tears, Ford
spoke, "I am
not ashamed
that I fathered
the LCTV
president."
Ford and Hoesly clash
in the Manor House
by R2D2
A s1mnge thmg happened in
the manor house las1 Monda)'·
In a wildly cliswrbmg scene
Michael Ford adm111ed 10
Cody Hoesly 1ha1 he was m fact
the boy's father. Hoesly. convn­
lcscing m the radio s1a11on's
sick bay. has been screaming
"'no/" and, "you're not my fa-
1her" since Monday, and 1hus
could not be reached for com•
mcnl ford~ 1ncanwh1le. has
retreated mto what he 1ermccl
his "Dca1h Olflcc• 10 shme his
pen ligh1 at sn1de111s passing
outside his wincl<>w ~nd
scream "Kllbloo1! You·re vapor·
izcdl"
On the ahcrnoon of the
27th. Ford hosiecl a mcc1ing
with 1he heads or the student
media board in his office. Af­
ter tl1cy had left. al npproxi-
111a 1ely 3:57 pm, Hoes!)'
pushed his way past Ford's sec­
retaries and into his office yell­
ing thal Mooney's plans for
media domination wci.uld
never work. Ford rose with a
roar and demanded 1ha1
Hoesly stop his Impudence
and recognize the power of
Mooney and the administra•
lion sought 10 hold over 1hc
SlUdent media board. "It will
never work!" screamed Hoesly.
ln :in amazing acrobatic
feat, Ford then somersaulted
over his desk and landed di­
rectly in rronl of the Slill-den­
ant Hoesly, drawing out 1he
1969 Charter for Smdem Me­
dia Groups. a weapon 1hn1 few
can wield effect ivcly. Hoesly,
cq111ppcd with a copy of his
own chancr that had been
given 10 him by his mcmor
M:111ha1s Fripp '99 before
Fnpp himself became admm­
lsw111vc fodder for ins racy
cduorship of the Pioneer Log
last year (and you thought he
had stmpl)' graduated), me1 Ford head on.
ln1erpreia11ons clashed,
~drng sparks all 1hroughou1
the campus :nrw:;wcs. F111ding
h,mscH on die dclcns"c,
Michael Ford suddenly fell
backwards through ?11 office
wmdow (Qwards 1hcpat10 be•
low When Hoesly looked over
the edge, Ford was "owhere 10
be seen Quickly runnmg our
or the olfice. Hoesly agam met
Ford, on 1he main staircase. As
coffee C\11)S and books ca1ne
rlying otr 1he shelves 1owards
young mas1cr Hoesly, Ford
took 1he offensive usmg an
obscure reference to adnnms•
tra11vc adv1smg 1n lncdu.t rcla-­
llOns.
Hoesly rcgamcd h 1s com•
posurc, shou11ng "S1uden1
run! Student run!'' and beat a
hasty re1rea1 out •n adpccm
wmdow nnd onLO the ou1er
wall on 1hc second s1ory of ,he
Manor House. Ford fol lowed,
and for a bnd moment I he
two faced each other m s1-
ltncc, adn'liring one another's
awesome powers with regard
10 The Chaner. Then Ford
struck. Screaming "No Funcl­
ingl" he delivered Hoesly a
monal papereut, effectively
rendermg his nght hand use•
less.
w,,h Hocslcy's copy or 1he
chancr tumbling endlessly
into the rose bushes, Ford
went in fort he kill. "lam your
fo1hcrl" Ford cried, "Diel An•
drew Dally ever 1ell you that?!
Huh? I Well. did he?I" De­
feated, Cody himself fell mto
the bushes, where he was
CJUlekly relricvcd and was car­
ried to safety by the radio s1a­
lll1n board of clircclors
The parentage or Dusty
1-locsl)'Slill remains unknown.
despite cont1numg rumors
1ha1 he occasional!)' refers to
Pioneer Log chief cdilor Colin
Beck as "Big Daddy .• pp
Atkinson named
teacher of year
by S. D. Beckham
This year's Pamplin Society
uf rcllows Teacher of the Year
Award went to Anthropology
Professor Jane Atkinson. The
other linalisis were Michael
Mooney, Professor of llistory.
and Michael F<>rd, Visiting
Lecturer in Communication,
The dcctions occurred
without any bnllot stuffing
this ycnr, thanks LO the hard
work of l'cllow Peter
Berkhoul. •we really wanted
lO make sure this was :1 clean
clcclion. We didn\ w:1111 any
of that Partovi-fc\ltr 10 take
over and give the award to Joe
Waters; he doesn't even teach
real music anyway/· Bcrkhout
commented.
Many students were
shocked to learn that
Atkinson, Dean of the Col­
lege, was even a lC..:"lchcr ... 1
thought that she was just the
Denn. I d11ln't know she
1augh1 d..'lsscs also,'" said one
randomly sdectcd student Actur,lly, Atkinson does not
teach any classes, though she
1s the Dean. '"l·kr name 1s 1n
1 he Catalog and she ,s hs1ed
as professor.
Whether she teaches any
classes or gets paid as a pro•
fcssor in addi11on 10 her Dean's
salary 1s cn11rcly irrelevant,•
Berkhou, stated. Nonetheless,
after $1Udcn1s s~w her name
on I he list of finalists. 1 hey
came out 10 cheer heron. "She
always tnkcs time out of her
schedule to give me extra help
m my classes. I'm glad she
won." exclaimed ASLC Stu­
dent Council President Gene
Wixson
Atkinson was elated to win
the award. "I'll put II w11h the
rest," she said. pp
Protesters disappointed with lacking
arrests at recent demonstration
from protest, page 1
a prepared statement.
•1 apologi.c 10 the indig­
enous, aboriginal peoples of
wherever and n~uivc animals and
plants for our damage, and hope
that we can put 1his unfortunate
miscon11numcat1on behind us,"
Rogers said.
Witnesses also noticed the
peaceful reconcili:nion between
a pro1es1or and the logger who
provoked the mclec onginally.
The two hugged in the middle
of Broadway, halting traffic in a
soft, sunlit rain for at least two
minlllCS
Even though the protest
ended on a posiuvc note. with
change ahead on the horizon for Amn.onrnn Loggmg and Dam
Corpora11on, not all panicipants
were happy with the protest's
outcome, .. \Ve weren't arrested,"
said L1n:s.1 Beck. "What's the fun
of going 10 a protest if you're not
arres1edf' ,, ____ _
We weren't arrested.
What's the fun of
going to a protest if
you're not arrested?
laresa Beck _____ ,,
These sentiments were also
shared by Kristin Casper, who
said that the lack of police inter•
ven11on would discourage her from panicipa11ng in any future
protcs1s.
"Those bloody loggers were
asking for a good night m the
jail, an<l the police obviously
have no concept of how 10 pro­
tCt.'t Innocent students rrom
those thugs. We could have eas­
ily kicked their collccuve asses.
but this s11II stands as a telling
example of the kind ol one-s1dccl
brutality 1ba1 the Portland Pohce
arc so well known for ... said
Casper in a joint lcucr lo SEED
aml the student mecl,a groups.
Future ::ictivmcs are planned
to protest the cxcessh1c use of
paper tn advenlscmcnts m the
Hnwthornc District and the lugh
numl>cr of busscs used hy Tri­
Met in public 1rnnspor1n1ion,
Residence Life offers new counseling program with Director Jon
by Adam Corolla
Jon Eldridge, Direc1oror Res,­
clence life, recently announced
that he will be following in the
foolSlcps of his fratcmal twin,
Dr. Drew Pinsky, and will be be
hosting his own version of the
hit show, Lovehne. Eldrige will
meet with students in Tamarack Lounge on Friday nights at 11
pm 10 discuss ,heir problems
,i•ith sex, drugs, and alcohol.
The show, called "Res Rap: will
will be broadcast live on KLC;
taped versions will appear
weekly on LCTV. Like Dr. Drew,
Eldrige's favorite line is, "It's all
about the choices you make." Director Jon and Dr. Drew:
where LC meets MTV.
Where's Roger Paget?
We at the Pioneer Log have often wondered where Roger Paget, Institutional Professor of Political Economy/ Asian Studies, is. We looked
in his office, located in the basement of Albany, just down the hall from the service tunnel, but he was not to be found. An unidentified
source reports that Paget is currently in Indonesia, doing research to bring more current and applicable Indonesian issues to his popular
classes, such as US in Vietnam and Indonesia and War and Revolution in Indonesia. After much research, the Pioneer Log has uncovered
this exclusive picture of Paget's activites in the former Dutch East Indies. Play our game, and see if you can identify Paget. Merit badges
for the first ten to successfully identify where Paget is.
-__."!..- --.. ------_ .... -'-- --;;,..,,,-!;a,,,~ --=-------..:..., ·""'Jt. -·--_:~ ...... --_=:,:_--_ .,-.., -.. --- -~· --·---- -~ - . ·"""' ---- __ "'Qii;,,.._,_ - .--- ; -::--.-----...-* '~ ... -----· -
April 1, 2000 Mossy Log 'W pp pp
Jesus Christ's Last Lecture only attended by seven
by Judas Iscariot
On March 6th. Jesus Christ,
the Son of God '11lCI savior or
mnnkmd delivered a lccmrc en-
111lcd "Why ,he Jews arc gomg
10 burn 11t hcll lor k1lhng me and
how ,he Southern BapllSts
gross!)· m1sm1c:rprclccl my ll'ach ..
mgs on well.. pre11r mud, cv­
ery1h111i• for l.cwts & Clark
Colleges l.ast Lec1ure Sencs
Jesus Mhvcrcd 1hc lcC1urc m ,he
ComlCII Chambers IO a capnve
audience ol alx>m seven people
Jesus bei:an the lcc1ure m ., light•
hcancd manner bv makmg a
JOkc nbou, 1hc mmusculc auen•
dance. In lnc1 I hgured 01u ln1-
1cr 1h:11 Jesus whole speech w:15
n p~uhcttc aucmpt ~1 a romcdy
rouunc. --ccc l though, more
people would he mtercsted m
hca, 111111he md1v1dual who died
tor your sms speak. 1 mean what
do 1 huve 10 do IO ge1 people m­
tercstcd m me .. do I have ,ogc,
resurrct1ed three days lrom al­
ter the da1 I died or somc-
1hmg•1• Only one person m ,he audi­
ence laughed m 1h15 potheuc a1-
1emp1 31 a Joke and clearly the
only reason she laughed was be­
cause she 1hough1 il was unpo-
1 Ile tu not langh a1 1 he Jokes of
1he guy whu saved her rrom e1cr­
nal damnauon.
The s:tv1or of mankind 1hcn
,ried 1<> make a Joke tha1 he
w:isn'I goml{ to 1:1ke nay requests
from the :mdtl·ncc hcci\usc "t\[­
,er l.000 years, p,·rfonn,ng 1he
~crmon on lhr Mount get~ "
lntle old ,,her awlulL-• Aga111.
Jesus onlr got a laui:h from th,11
om: polnc g,rl
Thr :>on ul God's rerfur­
mancc wcm down h1ll lrom this
pom1 Even the bn nbuut how
Judas didn't know ,ha, 1he Ru­
mnns where rnkmg hun su1-
ouslr when he hbbed nn Jesus,
lailccl 10 get n chuckle, even Iron,
,he polue ~irl
After 15 mmutcs 11110 Jesus'
ac1, nlmost hall of 1hr audience
had leh Jesus even began ask•
mg auchcnce members c1,1cst1ons
which 1s :1lways a tell ialc sign
Duntley promises wrath of
God or your money back
Vi~ions of Judgment Day will take on new meaning at LC
as Dean of the Chapel Mark DunUey attempts to put the
fear of God in deviant students.
by Pat Robertson
When Dean of the Chapel
Mark Dumlcy learned earlier 1his
year 1ha1 1he Princc1on Review
had ra1cd Lewis & Clark s1u­
den1s as "ignoring God on a
regular basis" more or1cn 1han
any other campus, he knew ii
was a call to actlon •ro 1hc ma­
Jorily or stuclems at 1his school.
It was all very funny. But to me.
I heard a challenge from God,"
Dumlcy said.
In n fca1 many descnbed as
ch:1rartetis11c or his newfound
zeal, Dunllcy whipped the
moneychangers nnd 01 her Busi­
ness Olficc personnel 0111 of the
Chapel Descnb1ng himself as
1hc real "'Aetfon Ch:1pla1n",
Duntley has been on a crusade
10 return Lewis & Clark 10 Its
Presbytenan roots.
.. The media on this campus
have for 100 much freedom to
desecrate 1hc lns1itu11on
Women arc demanding equality
a1 fngh1ening levels. Jews, Bud­
dhists, and 01 her pagans smdy here as if they wercn'1 sinning
1heir wa)•·to Hell," Duntley re­
marked
Soon after 1hr whipping in­
cidenl, Duntley met with Col­
lege Presidcn1 Michael Mooney
10 discuss the possibility of a for­
mal redeclicaiion to I he Chris•
1ian values 1his College was
founded on. The idea soon took
hold 1hroughou11hcadministm-
1ion and last week, during n rcs­
crvauons-onl)' pony at Fmnk
Manor House. Mooney ckclared
1ha1 hedonism would no longer
reign on P:ilatine Hill.
Students returning from
Spring Break found crosses in
c,•cry dorm room. The LCTV
office now houses Campus Cru­
sade for Chrisl and Barnes and
Noble has sold Ilic bookstore to
Chrisuan Supply Thts Tuesday.
at one of President Mooney's
mon1hly community forums.
students were reminded: "Yours
is 110110 reason why; yours is bu1
10 do and die.• Then, with a
smile, "Bui pay your 1Ui11on
ff rs1." ., Mossy Log April 1, 2000 1ha1 a comedmn 1s getting clcs­
pera1c.
Jesus asked 1hc man sluing
three down rrom 111c. whr he was
aucndmg h1s lecture. To 1h1s
ques1ion the man replied "Aelll•
ally I'm her.: because I I hought
you were Jesus Sanchez. ~1 rchd
pnchcr for 1he Florida Mnrhns
You know I'm a l:111 and all I
1hought 11 w:,s r.·,,lly "<ml you
know a prorcs,1011,11 haseb:ill
player dmng a speech obou1 1hc
Jew, gmng to hell. In l,1u, [or
awhile I th<1ugh1 1hat John
Rocker w.,.:, :,pc;1kmg On )'()\.I
know how shocked I was when
I t.:Jt11c 111 hrrc jJld Sa\\ a tu1ry
whnr g11) m n roh.: stnnclmg ••
1he podmml I expect«! • guy
from 1hc Dommtcan Repuhht
and I dnn·1 kno" m,111) hn,ry
rc,bc .. \\canng whnc SU)"!t thilt
rnme lrom the Domtnlcnn Re­
public. They n-all)' like you,, J.11,
down there m Litm Amcrk:t,
don't 1he} l.orcl?
The Son of God looked veri
hun afler 1he l'fonda Marhn.< fan
said 1h1s. I coulcl :,wear that l
heard Jesus muuer• A1 leas, you
could h,wc 1hough1 I was., re­
hcl pncher for 1he Yankees•
Jesus then looked at me and
asked me why l had allcndcd his
lecmrc.
"Myednor rorced me 10 wn1e
amcle on )'Our speech for 1hc
school newspaper He 1hough1
1ha1 I he Son of God speak mg a1
our school was newsworthy or
some1h1ng.· Th,s or course
wasn'1 1hc rc:ll reason why I ,\1:15
,lllendingJcsus lecture. I volun•
tccred 10 wti1e the article be­
cause I expec1cd a 101 of Chns­
tu1n g,rls 10 be In the ,n1d1ence
and I've heard 11»1 1hey'II g,ve Jesus Christ's appearance in the Council Chambers was
part of a world wide tour attesting to the Savior's lasting
influence. Following the popularity of its Exodus line. Lego
has announced plans to make a 'Jesus in the Holy Land'
building set.
you head on 1he fml date I 100k
1hcass1gnment because I wanted
10 hn on Chns1ians. Bui n's not
everyday th:n you're prescnLcd
w11h .,n opp,munll) 10 hurt
Je>us Christ's feelings, so 1 lied
Even though I clidn'I laugh
nnd only go1 one blow Job be­
cause or It, I am s1ill very 1hank­
ful that I a11cnded our saviors
las1 lecture For I learned some-t111ng V('t)' 1mpc>n:m1. I learned
how thanklul I wos 1ha11he Son
of God wasn't a., good at saving
our souls from an c1cmi1y of hell
as he 1s m m:iking people lnugh
Fur i r Jesus harl done as:, bad ,s
job as he d,d on 1he n,glu ,,I
March 61rymg 1\1 he funny wlnlc
suffenng on the cross for us, ,,II
ul 11< would be heading s1r:i1gh1
for Hell r,gh1 now dS opposed to
JUSI 1hc Jews.
Pope attempts apology in Holy Land, fails
/ by Thomas friedman
The Pope gave a new mean ..
Ing to 1he phrase "papal bull''
recenlly when he Issued a
vaguely phrased apology for 1hc
sins of the Cai ho lie Church over
lhc lasl thousand years. appar­
emly in 1he hopes of clearing the
Omrch's name for the next mil­
lennium. He has been nnacked
by Jewish groups for 001 indud­
ing any reference 10 1he Molo­
caus1 in his apology.
In response, his Holiness is·
sued ano1hcr sta1emen1 1ha1 de­
clared thai he would "apologize
aflcr 1hc heathens apologize for
killing Chnst"
"Look buddy. I'm THE
POPE!" he was heard IO qmp,
pomung a, h,s hat for empha­
sis. "You are JUSI lucky Clement
XIV cs1rangcd us rrom 1heJesu-
1ts, or I'd have your Hebrew asses
handed 10 me on a pla1e for <:om-mcms like 1hat. I dictn·1 mcmwn
1he Holocaust. Suck n up."
The Nazi Party hasdec1ded 10
follow the footsteps or 1he
Cn1hollc Church m is.~uing an
apology. "We woul<l also like 10
not apologize for 1he Holo­
caust," a rcprcsenta1ivc s\ale<l,
"bu1 we hope that our general
apology for unspecincd sins will
help 10 clear ourrecord so 1ha1
we. coo, can enter the next thou­
sand years wi1h a clean sla1e.•
Several 01her groups have
come forward 10 apologize for
past wrongdoing. Specifically:
Jehovah's Wflncsscs have apolo­
gized for their irn1n1lng door-10-
door behavior and for not ccl­
e bra Ii ng oinhdnys; Pagans
would like to apologize for hav­
ing a fake rchg1011, Sa tams ts have
apologized for nppmg their de­
ny off ol the Chnsnans ms1ead
of making their own, Muslims
have apologized for blowmg shu
up; Agnostics rubhshed nn apol-ogy bnelly, but ar1er consider­
ntion decided to re1rae1 ii, 1hc
Pany apolog,:e<l for spendfng
S➔OO on costumes; l.ewis &
Clark College apologized for I he
rootball field, George l.ucas
apologized for Jar-Jar Binks,
Janel Reno apologized for pre­
tending 10 be:, woman: Pamela
Anderson apologized for geuing
rid of them: N'SYNC apolog1?cd
for the Backs1rcc1 Boys; 1he
Backstreet Boys apologized for
N"SYNC: Jerry f-nlwell apolo­
gized for calling the purple
Tele1ubby gay when 1hcy are
clearly all gay; Jerry Springer
apologized for having a tas1elul
episode; Bruney Spears apolo­
gized for Cr1,11M Alguilcra; Hin­
dus apologized for ,he overuse
or the phrase •liuly Cow•",
Ghand, apologized for never
srnrring m an ~lcllon movU;, ~mJ
the Native Americans apolu­
glZed for using our land before
we d1scovcrccl 1l.
The Mossy Log, Genus Edition, in consultation with the Student Media Board
and Rupert Murdoch, has adopted a new editorial policy.
• The Mossy Log welcomes
leners 101he editor, as long as
we agree w,tb what you 5'\Y·
• We reserve lhe right to cdu
for space and grammatical
correctness. but ff you still
cannot wrile -ca coherent sen•
tcnce at chis point in your edu­
cation, we will mock you, • ProspectLve students who
share entertamtng quips rrolll
lheir campus 1ours shall be re­
warded with a half r_ack of Pabst
Blue Ribbon
• All leucrs must be addressed
to "1he Honorable yet Spiritually
Decreplt Editors or the Mossy
Log." • • Enclosin!i' a 1wemy•dollar
bill whh your leuer will
greatly increase your chances
of getting published.
• We shall engage ln manym-
1empts Lo set your agenda.
P lca$e be coopera1ive and
wenk--mlnded as we strive 10
amass n media monopoly pp PA pp
Eisinger makes appeal for 'radical thinking'
by Lyndon LaRouche ''
Robcr1 Eisinger, ProfcsS<>r of
Pol111cal Scicnce1 reccnll)• asked
his Quanthaaive Research Meth­
ods last Friday lo be crcauvc m
their hypo these, "Let's I hink
outsulc of 1hc bc,x ror a mlnu1c , ..
Etsmgcr rcquc~tcd.
The studenl5 m the d,ts> were
tmtmlly surpnsed by Etsmger"s
rci1ucsL ''I wasn't sure what he
111ea111 by 'the hox'," confessed
one JLLmor Commumcauon ma•
JOT after class But after the m1-
11nl rducrnncl', class d,scuss1on
soon took orr. lhscovcnng new,
mnovauvc :ln~wcrs to agc•o1d
qucsllOll~ 0£ c.{\l:"IOlit:.lllVC re..­
scarch
As class d tscussion he came
more cn1hus1asnc, however.
Eisinger chimed m agam "Wan•
Let's not thmk too for outside of
the box," cau11oncd Eisinger,
"That cou Id be danger<>11s."
Tltis remark came after lmcr•
11:11,onal Affairs major Rober!
McCracken hypothesized that
polls would always be tainted by Wait! Let's not think
too far outside of the
box. That could be
dangerous.
Robert Elsinger
'' ~ubjc,:tivity and .. can never bl'. an
accunuc measure or rc.1hty."'
Later that day, Eisinger met In
an emergency conrc_rencc. wnh
Cunis Johnson, Dean of 1heSo­
c1al Sc1cnccs, and D1anne
Nelson, Professor of Cultural
Ant hrnpology The three clcmled
1ha1 l:.1!tlngtr'!t cxperime-nt m
cclucnuon 1ha1 momrng had
!ailed. ·This never should be
rcpc;ttcd agnm "suuedjohnson
,\lso, they decided 1ha1
McCrncken should change his
major to So/An or consider
tmnslcrring to another college,
such .,s Evergreen, that could
more appropriately meet h,s
educational needs. Robert Eisinger, assistant professor of Political Science, draws a steady bead on
conventional wisdom. Eisinger's advice to students? "Think outside the box." Eisinger's
experiment with bold thinking was met with bold reproach.
Mooney steps up Master Plan, initiates 'Final Solution'
by Herr Hans Vlochschensteimer
In ::in unexpected decision
hts1 week, Michael Moone)•,
President or the College, and the
Board or Trus1ccs vo1ccl unam•
mously to speed up the 'Master
Plan' into one Mooney has en•
titltd the 'Final Solu1ion'. In an
interview conduclcd recently.
Mooney explained why he made
this decision, completed sooner."
ln 1hc new regime, Campus
Safety will now be called 'School
Safety' or S.S. for shon. Mooney
even plans 10 have a rally next
• Friday to sfiow off the new S.S.,;
tl1igh1, in which they will parade
past Watzck, showing off their
vehn:lcs and officers, m an a1-
1emp1 to show I heir supp,m for
the new Solution
"I've felt thai ever smcc the
Board ol Trus1ecs approved the
Mnslcr Plan J few years ago. th:it
the actual rate a, which work hos
bcon completed on 1h1s campus
has slowed. There ,s on indli­
ucncy on thts campus when it
comes 10 l\n,shmg the Master
Pinn, and by preparing this r,.
nal SolllliOrt, 1 bchcve 1ha1 we
wtll be able '" flnish 1he gkm•
ous construction tltt11 Is Lcwts &
Clark College, and LrcJIC a
school that will Inst fur a thou­
.sand years " first, and wh,11 some arc ca!Hng
the most drasuc, 1s that or what
Mooney calls "S1udcn1 Purllitn·
tion." As or next week, cenam
stttdems picked by Mooney will
be transferred Lo the new and
nnproved football field, where
special temporary dorms arc be­
ing built. Once there. the s1u•
dents :1rc to be employed m spe­
c,al •work camps• m which they
will employed m bu1lchng the
remaining projects of the old
Master Plan. These work camps
will help the s1uden1s mvolvcd
10 concentrate on ,he task for
winch the)' have been specifi­
cally chosen. In a S<:nsc. they "~II
be camps for conccnLTauon. In this artist's rendition, students are seen assembling for
work camp detail near completed residence halls. By
utilizing "voluntary" student labor, Mooney expects to
complete the Residential Master Plan in two years. Another name chnnge ,s In
the works ns well, that of
Michael Mooney himstll. To
show his dctcrm,nation an<l
motlvauon m these. nc,, deci­
sions, he has adopted the tttlc or
"The Furor"
The Final Solut,on plans to
initiate scvcrol ron1rovcrs1:il
projects, ,tll of whtth arc 10 be
carried out immediately. The ·•one night as I was drl\'tng
home ,n my Lexus, I had a
thought," Mooney explamcd l
thought ol IMcrnwca1herJ
Lewis ,ind I William I Clark.
Tho:;;c two famous ptoncers that
our school is named after really
stood h,r one thmg1 Amcr1c:.\.
The)' w:mtcd lo unite Americn
from t:OaSl LO CO.lSl. for Amen~
cans, by Americans, Obviously
,hey weren't 1hmk1ng of the Ca• nadmns when they went on thctT
cxpedn1on, or ,he Bnush. Span­
ish, or ltnlinus. lc1 alone the Ar­
abs.
"I thought that whJ1 our
school reall)' needed was a
strong sense or unhy. a Slrong
sens:c of pndc 1n our na11vc
country," Mooney contmued .
"Tlus hnc ol thought led me 10
the conclusion 1ha1 11 I was 10
accomphsh 1h1s vision, then ,he
College would hnvc 10 make cer•
LC Hippies (Patchoulius dirtyus)
How does the elusive Lewis & Clark hippie spend its time?
Trying 10 Spite Corporate Lawyer Parents
Driving Range Rover
Smoking Pot
Playing Banjo In the Hali Barefoot Frisbee
Sleeping
Caring about the Environment
Showering
___________ source: Nabonal Oeographlc, Jan 2000 taln unprocluttlvc students par• "I wanted 10 show the s1u-
11c1pa1e m n lorm of tomnmnily dents and fllcul1y my wmpas•
service-the work c.1111p con-sion for tl,c Final Solution,"
cept" Mooneysa,d "I thought that the
As w11h nil of Michael most drasuc thmg I could do to
Mooney's plnns, controversy has show my suppon would he to
arisen ,n I he s111denL body, change my name, specifically to
c.h1cfiy over what some .s1udcn1s thnt or somcthmg which ~howcd
are calt,ng 'no work-study' my ,inger and rage :u the lor1ncr
That's nght, no work-study lnckofprogressthatourcollcgc
money will be paid 10 ,hose stu-had accomphshcd I chose the
dents volunteered to work m the name 'The l'uror· 10 rcllcct this
work camps. Some students arc change
calhng these work camps •not The Furor', plans lor the fu.
wry good" 1ure Include a long 1151 ul
Ano1herpar1 of the 'Final So-projects and pohc1cs. First off 1s
luuon' that ts In nnmediatc cf-the fimshmg ol the old Master
feet is the renammg of the Board Pl:in by those s1udcms sdc<tcd
of Trustees. Mooney has re-10 volunteer in the work camps.
named the Board the 'National The Furor hopes to have much
Trustee Party' or Na1is for short. nccomphshccl JIISI b) the end of
The Naus will be composed of the year, prc,vmg 1ha1 a greater
no, only the fonncr Trustees, but level of dfa·1ency ,s possible
also all faculty members, and After the complcuon of the
will be m tlirec1 control ol all old Master Plan, The Furor
affairs, both soe,al and academic, hopes 10 mcorporate other col-
rrom now m1. lcges. such :ts Rt.'cd and
"With all or the recent com-Willameuc mto hts pl.in The
pln1111s about problems with Furor even hopes 10 go.,~ far as
C:unp11sSafc1y.and,vi1h thcstu- renaming the college, "The
dents' ever-present compla,nts Thml College," the lim hcing
that they arc 100 removed lrom the ongmol name or LC, Alb:m)'
the adm1n1s1ra11on 10 be able to College, and the second bemg
comnbutc a voice, l decided that the current Lewis and Cl:irk
a rev1s10n of pohq was neces- College or course 1h,s Idea Ill
snry," Mooney said, "I thought rename the college, a, well 3s
1ha1 bycombm111gall of the foe• most of the other ideas, will
nhy and adm1mstrauoo mto one never Oy, hccausc as moM people
group, more etr,c,cncr could be nre askmg, how niuch can one
gamed, and our hopes ol hmsh- hule man on• power tnp really
ing the old Mas1cr Plan could be do1
April 1, 2000 Mossy Log V pp and fJJlacm ==i'---'pp
At home with Mike, pro wrestling and Miller High Life
by Basil F. FitzHugh
This pas, Saiurday. I was
walking around dowmown h
was a r:nny day, and I wandered
by the KOIN center. I had noth•
ing really nnportmll to do. and 1
thought. ·~icy, whr not stop by
and pny a social cnl I on Lewis &
Cbrk's very own President. Mr
Michael Mooney W11ho111 any
further .,do. I slipped h)' the
doorman, ;md made my way to
the clevalor :and chmbcd m. As
the t'1r ascended 1he dozen odd
noors between the lobby and
~,1ooncy's presidential spread on
the top lloor. I shook with ex•
cuemcm and trepidation. \.Vhat
would he say? Wha1 would he
do? Would he release 1he
hounds, or take me in for a let~·
a~tctc over cognac ancl dgars to
map the fu1urc of LC?
A; 1 he clcva1or whirred to a
hnh, and I stepped into 1he mag­
tuf1<·ent marble foyer, 1 he bu11cr­
ll1cs in my s1omach kicked h m10
rau11n111g speed and ,1:irn·d 1ry-
1ng l\1 force th~1r way out I .);wal­
lowed my pride (;111d Ill) lunch,
aga111), 1onk the br.tss lion knocker in my hand and
thumped ll down wilh sc,•crol
rcso11nd111g k11ocks,
S,lcncc For an ctcmny,
Gradunlly, however, I began
10 hear a slmfnmg sound. h grew
louder until II stopped bd1ind
the door I slOod before meekly,
The door slowly creaked open.
M1d1acl Mboncy"s 1conogrnpl11c
vi.sage peaked out from behind
it.
"Why Basil, whnt a plc:tsant
surprise. What brings you by mr
neck ol Jhc woo,lsl" ln4uircd
Prcsidcnl Mooney.
"Well, Profcssor ... er, Mr.
President Mooney, I wns m the
nc1ghbol'hoocl and I just 1hough1
I'd :::.wwg by. say h1, y'know?" I
replied.
''Gre:u Great \Von'l you
come m fora few moments? And
please. jusl call me Mike" I
shuffled 111 after him I hnd
breached 1h,· Inner sanctum or
Lewis & Cl:irk th,11 so manystu•
dc111, before me had drcamc,1 of.
I turned to talk hi Mike Only
then did I realize that M1kr
looked very lmle hke President
Michael Mooney, I mean. U was President Mooney alright, but
.1ltcrnaie version, like lus hick
bro1her or something Gone
were 1he impeecnblc gray nan•
ncl suns, crisply pressed whuc
Oxford shirts and power tic,
Rather. Mike wa:,, wcanng :tn old
tnllcrcd, black and red Zub.1t
b,uhrobc. plaid shorts, a wife•
bea1er. ,md rn11ered old pmk
bu1111y slippers.
"Grca1 place you've got here
Mike• I said,
"lsn•1 n? I-low 'bou1 I show
you nround"'
"Sure. n
Mike led me through sevcrnl
splenthclly decorated rooms. all
marble and expensive fornilurc.
pam1ings and pricey works ol
art. But hack in the comer of the
apanmcnt there was n llny room.
tucked away in a corner
"Tl11, I really h,wc t<> show
you," said Mike. "Tins 1s my spc•
cfal, pnv:1.u: room \Vhcre I come
10 he alone, 10 he myscll •
"Uh ... Okay·
"ll'sjust through here· Mike
bru,hcd aside ., 1t1pc>1ry, Ill re•
veal ,1 ,habh) l111lc do0t He
,urned 1he knob;,nd we entered
Dedicated women 'Take Back the
Night', leave daytime to men
by Eudora Welty
The recent Take Back The
N1gl11 ac11v11ics brough1 the is•
sues or sexual v10Jcncc and mns­
cu hml}' to the forcfron1 :u LCw1s
& Clark. W11h a showing of o\i¢r
200 students for 1hc march
alone. tlus year's event was per­
haps 1hc most successful one
TBTN has ever experienced.
•t really kit like we took back
the mgh1,• s:ud Susie Cohen, an
cnthusiasuc fcmmist. "'1 mean.
there we were, 200 s1rong,
marchmg all over this campus.
And not one rape. not one ind•
dent of sexual m1sconcluct h
was amaz.mg." Stop
rape!
(at nighO
Indeed. 11 docs seem I h,i
women have retaken the mgh1.
From dusk until dawn members
of 1hc TBTN Anny take 1heir
pos1tw11s around campus and
cn~urc lhC snrc1y of au women
There 1s • sniper atop Frank
Manor House. 1hree atop
Templeton, •nd five guards
placed in v:nymg lo\.allons near
1he dom,s Already, two would•
be violators have been sho1,
k!iled, ,md beheaded. The crani·
wns currcntlr hang above the
cntrnnce 10 Watzek Librar), to Protesters gave 'em what for during the Take Back the
·ser,•e as n reminder to 1hose Night march, Marchers and passing motorists agreed that
other pigs.· But the apparent this year the night was definitely taken back.
>tcndcr•cquahty the night now saw a man masturOOtmg in the dear lo us 1ha1 something had
embraces leaves many wonder• Copeland lounge as he was to give. Nothmg too unporumt
ing, "What ai>o111 dny11mel lsn·1 wa1chmg Li/,r \Vara for Chaco• happens when 1he moon is ou1,
1he dayume JUSl as important?" late. At first, I thoug~H It wns and so 1hc obvious choke was
Studies show that most sexual cool that a man wo\JJ<l wntch a to cede 1hat time to the femin1.sts
~issaults occur Junng the mght, film so obviously made to cater and maintain our current malc-
bu1 recen1 afternoon s1gh1mgs of to my female sennmemality- clomma1cd srnms quo when the
the Tryon Fl,shcr mny be .1 sign bu1 when I saw thai thing in his sun is up. After all, I'm a fcmi•
of things to come. Many women hand, I jus1 rrcaked." ntst just hkc ,hose b1mbos arc.·
fear 1hat males may feel threat• "That's hogwash," explained TBTN organizers. still eel•
ened by a gender-equal night• Copeland Rcsiclen1 Director Jay ebr.uing their victory over dark·
11me. "Once they rccogniz.e that friends. •1 wasn'1 masturbating. ness. smcl thaL they will bask in
1hey canno1 harm us during 1he It was jus1 an 11ch, really. I was mldnigh1 e4uali1y for some tune
nigh,, 1hey will become more JUSI scratchmg." before seeking to disturb the
bold in 1heirdayligh1 nssauhs on Dus1y Hoesly, presidem of 1hc mornings nusogyny. "That's a
women. Don', think the Flasher Brotherhood or Humanity, clan• baule for a different day," re•
is 1he only one. Just yesterday I lied his position. "It became marked Cohen. ff' Mossy Log April 1, 2000 Inside lhi: room was 1l fouch,
.m o1cl orange recliner, ,, larg\:
strl·cn TV and ~ mrni fndgc.
The w:1lb were plastered wi1h
pustcrs or WCW wrestlers and
Monst,:r Trucks. "Thb ls my
personal s:111c1um, which I
come 10 when I wanl to gi:t
.,way rrom 1he hus1lc and bu>1k
ol bt·mg Pn:,1<len1 I clun'I JUSt
~how everyone 1hb. )'<)U know."
··sun:."'
"I'm really JUSI an :werngcJoc
like ,111yo11c dse. de,pllc my
,1uffy .oppc,,rance I like thmgs
nws1 .wcr:1gc Amcnc:m.s hlu.· •
action movies, TV g111dc. b,g cars. you ge11he idea 8111 wha1 I
:am rc:tlly p:tss1onatc ahom­
w·h~H makes mi; freJ all wann and
squ1~l1y 111s1dt.·-is pn, .. wn-s1l1ng
Cnre for Milkr lligh urc>"
"Sure," I replied :a, Mike
rcat·hed Into 1hc lndgc,111(1 whh•
drew two rrosl)' Miller mil boys
"So 1rll me more ahmH wrcs ..
1hng."
"'Well. I wrestled in college,
cvc.n consHlcrcd going pro 1 was
going 10 c;1II myscll the ·•rrofcs·
,or t>f Pain • I h:id ti all planned
ou1: ,1 cosmmc w11h a mortar•
bo.ml h;11. the robes, brenk111g
nders over oppo11e111s' he.,cb, My
\':Heh phrase was, Tm gumg tu
1ench )'OU a lesson' Alas, II tlid11'1
pan ou1 so I landed 1hc gig here
as Presidenl. But one day I'll
achieve my drc.un :utd rctum to
1hc nng •
"Uhm.·
'Wlrnt I; 11 1hni )'OIi arc pas•
siuna1c about l" a,kcd Mike We
1alkcd for hours, Mikcaml I, like
n w11ple ol regular guys. His
pre~ldency d1cl11) 1111errcre a, .,11
I cl.ire ,.,y we even l>cramc close
Undl'r th.1t wh1tt· ~h111 :md power
Ile. is :m .wcr~Ac g,H) !,Cft'aming
10 gc1 ou1, :1 pru-wrcsder wni1-
111g I or lt1!, ch.mg-.: 111 llw n ng
Thank,, Mike
Looking for a job?
Join the Microsoft
team and you will
put those liberal
arts skills to good
use. Hippies need
not apply,
D.aNvsaus A.No APMR001n· Cohn J. Beck, M,?aghan Lamarre
ATHffiA: Janelle Lamoreaux
A,w: And.rew S Zahle,
HERMES: Aaron D. Blackwell
A1tnM1s: Enn Haick
HERcuus: Dus~ Holden
DEMITER: HIiiary Panzer
EcHo; Angela Kearney Pioneer Log
CRONOS AND H!PPOLYTA: Andrew Daily. Angela Nusom
SATYRS: Amy Albertson, James Christie, Joe Collver. Sara
Detmenng. Cody Hoesly, Olin Laster, Robert McCracken,
Alec Metz. Katie Tobm, Collin Trail, Ausbn Work
RoMu,us ANO RtMus: Patrick W, Neighorn, Darnen 8 Gilland
lc••us: Alleen Clymer
HEtHAESTIJs: Brent Fonlana
Zws: Peter Christenson
0£-DIPUS coMPtlXH: That's what lhe beer Is for.
The Pioneer Log serves to inform and educate the Lewis ll<
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The Pioneer Log 1s funded by your studenl fees. 18th Annual
lnrcrnatiun,11 Affairs Symposium
L.:wis & Clark College
ArrU J-5. 2000
reat\
1111111,
Ethnic Conflict Unleashed
...
7 p.m., Monday, April 3,,,
Destructive Engagement
Ambassador David Rawson is the distinguished
visiting professor of political science at Hillsdale
College. Rawson served as the U.S. ambassador to
Mali from 1996 to 1999. While ambassador to
Rwanda from December 1993 to January 1996, he
managed the evacuation of all American citizens.
Following the conflict, he directed U.S. operations to
speed humanitarian aid efforts.
Richard Becker is currently the Western
Regional Coordinator of the International Action
Center and is based in San Francisco. Following the
Gulf War he was involved in the coordination of the
International War Crimes Tribunal, investigating
crimes against humanity and peace by the United
States government. Becker has also been an
organizer of oppositron to American use of military
force and economic sanctions against Cuba, Bosnia,
and Sudan.
V' Mossy Log April 1, 2000 3:30 p.m., Monday, April 3
lntemal vs. External causes of
Ethnic Conflict
Joseph Montville is the director of preventative
diplomacy at the Center for Strategic and International
Studies in Washington, D.C. Previously, he worked
for 23 years as a d_iplomat at posts in the Middle East
and North Africa. Montville has also held faculty
appointments in political psychology at Harvard
University and the University of Virginia School of
Medicine. His accomplishments include defining the
concept of Track II nonofficial diplomacy.
Monica Toft is assistant professor of public policy
and assistant director of the John M. Olin Institute
for Strategic Studies at Harvard University. She is also
the principal investigator on a U.S. Defense
Department-funded interwar strategic planning
project. Her research focuses on nationalism, territory,
ethnic conflict, civil wars, and the relationship
between demography and national security .
3:30 p.m., Tuesday, April 4
The Seeds of Ethnic Conflict
Anatol Lieven is currently a senior associate for
foreign and security policy in the Russia and Eurasia
Center at the Carnegie Endowment for International
Peace in Washington, D.C. He is the former editor of
Strategic Comments, a journal published by the
International Institute for Strategic Studies in London.
Lieven has participated in numerous conferences on
ethnic conflict. He has also served as a correspondent
for the Financial Times in Eastern Europe.
Beverly Crawford is a lecturer in political
economy of industrial societies at the University of
California at Berkeley and associate research political
scientist at the Center for German and European
Studies at the University of California. From 1993 to
1996, she served as the principal investigator for a
collaborative project on global economic integration,
liberalization, and ethnic conflict for the Pew
Charitable Trusts and the U.C. Institute on Global
Conflict and Cooperation. The Threat Next Door Ethnic Conflict Unleashed
7 p.m., Weds., April 5
Containing Ethnic Fear
7 p.m., Tuesday, April 4
Promoting Ethnic Peace -----
U.S. Air Force Colonel Michael J. Dziedzic is a
senior military fellow at the Institute for National
Strategic Studies in Washington, D.C. His principal
areas of research are peace operations and security
affairs in the Western Hemisphere. Dziedzic has also
published various articles on current U.S. operations
in Bosnia, international management of ethnic
conflict, and the transnational drug trade.
John W. McDonald is a lawyer, diplomat,
development expert, and peace builder whose
concerns center on the world's social, economic, and
ethnic problems. He is currently chairman and
cofounder of the Institute for Multi-Track Diplomacy
in Washington, D.C., which focuses on national and
international ethnic conflict. McDonald retired from
the Foreign Service in 1987 after serving 40 years as
a diplomat.
3:30 p.m., Weds., April 5
Is the Ethnic Ideal Separatist or
lntegrationist?
Thomas D. Hall, the Lester M. Jones Professor
of Sociology at DePauw University, is serving this year
as the visiting distinguished A. Lindsay O'Connor
Professor of American Studies at Colgate University.
He is the author of several books. His interests include
long-term evolution of societies, ethnic-racial
relations, indigenous peoples, and frontiers.
Louis Balthazar is professor emeritus of political
science at Laval University in Quebec City, Canada,
where he taught for 31 years. He served as a visiting
professor at the Political Science Institute, University
of Innsbruck, Austria, in spring 1999. Balthazar is
sympathetic to the Quebec separatist movement from
Canada and has published numerous articles on ethnic
identity in politics. William Graham Walker, head of the
Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe
Kosovo Verification Mission, ·is an expert on ethnic
tensions within the former Yugoslavia. He served as
a special representative of the United Nations
Secretary-General in Eastern Slavonia and Croatia and
as vice president of the National Defense University.
He has headed diplomatic missions to Latin America
and served as ambassador to El Salvador from 1988
to 1992.
Stanley Kober is a research fellow in foreign policy
studies at the Cato Institute and frequently lectures
at the U.S. Information Agency. He examines the
relationship between democracy and ethnic conflict.
Prior to joining the Cato Institute, he conducted work
on defense issues for several other public-policy
research organizations, including the Hudson Institute
and th,e Center for Naval Analysis. In addition Kober
was the managing editor of Comparative Strategy at
SRI International.
Student Cochairs
Eric Johns
Suzanne Yountdu
Student Steering Committee
Jessica Dietz
Ti.t fnm1ch
Sh;1w11;1 G:,mac,:hc
Andrew Johnson
Robert McCracken
Jenia Pevzncr
Joshua Wallaert
Em1ly \Vatson
Acknowledgments
Michael Mooney, Prcs1dc111, Lewis
6r Clark College
Bob Mandel, Dircclor, lmcrnaiional
Affairs Symposium; Cha,r, Depart­
ment or lnlcrnaLional Affairs
Nancy Curran, Program Coordlna-
1or, l111ernat10nal Affairs Sympo•
sium
Mervyn Brockell, Assistant 10 the
Prcsidcnt/SccrctaT)' or the College
Scon S1.11 r, Vice Prcsidem, College
Relations
Andrew Conell, Assistant Professor,
DcpMuncn1 or l111crna1ional Affairs
Stephen Lambo. Assistant Profes•
sor, Dcparimem oflmerna,ional Af.
r.,rs
Cyrus Panovi, Visiting Assis1an1
Professor, Depanmem or Intern••
11011:11 Affairs
R1dtard Peck, Professor, Depan•
ment or lntemauonal Affairs
Donald Balmer, U.G. Dubach Pro­
fessor or Political Science; Chair,
Dcpanment or Political Scu.·.ncc
Roben Eismger, Assistant Professor,
Department of Political Sc1cncc Amy Drill, Art Director for Pubh­
cations. Office of Pubhcations
Jean Kempe-Ware, Director, Office
or Public Relations
Kris Mcivor, Assistant Dircclor,
Office of Pub he Re lotions
Phoebe Haynes, Assistant to Pro­
gram Coordinator
Jill Leary, Assism11110 Program Co­
ordinator
Michael Carnahan, D,rcctor, Pro­
grams on World Affairs, World Af.
fairs Council <Jf Oregon
Todd Lininger, Web Graphic /\rust
Special Thanks
Wayne Poller, Portland Cable Ac­
cess
Special Recognition
Associated Students or Lewis &
Clark College
The symposium is free
and open to the public.
All sessions are held in
Templeton Student Center,
Council Chamber.
Parking for afternoon
sessions is S3.
Details are subject to
change. For more
information, call 503-768-
7630.
April 1, 2000 Mossy Log V and [!/J/oce6 ==t'
-------PP pp
The truth reveale Mabel Akin was involved in a
secret plot under the direction of J. Edgar Hoover
by Mox Fulder
In« rrt.t111 Pionrr, Log <11tlrlt•
(Mardi 3''). A11gd11 Nusom tll•
1<1111,rnJ III gcr III Ilic rnH/1 brhiurJ
lhC' AJ:in t·11rlowmt11t-wit1w11r
mud, suutss. Not s.atisflell with
lht w,gut ,mswus g1vt11 by tht"
11dminfSll'lHJ1m, this rrportt·1 .srt
,,ur un tJ 1>t.rs01wl ,ru:.adr. fut m1•
.swcrs mulfm111tl them. As Rid1m-d
Nixon unu stutl, ''Let u.s begin by
tomrniuing oursclvt·s tv 11,c tl'uth.
to see It lilr, if is 01111 ro rel/ fl ll/,c
Ir is. ro fiurJ rlo, rrn1h, ro spct11: tl,c
u·uth, tmtl to fi,1r wirh tht' trwl,
Tlwts whm we'll clo." Thr 1r111h is
out tlitrr.
Mrs. !-,fable Akin was a sur­
geon and a psychiatrist, work­
mg with her husband at their
private practice. This much is
known. However, the work nc­
tually <lone by Mrs. Akin and her
"husband," work involving both
surgery and psychiatry, is
wrapped up in decades of red
tape and buried deep in the
\!aults of the. adminislration and
the files or J. Edgar Hoo"cr.
Hoover was a power hungry
man and a conservative. Mc
wanted to be president. believ­
ing he could unseat FDR in
1936. During later years. he ga"e
up the goal. sculing instead for Elvis Presley and Richard Nixon were both under the
control of Akin's ice cream, as this photo reveals an ice
cream cone held slyly in Presley's left hand.
working behind the figureheads.
J-lc backed Richard Nixon m his
run for I he president)' :1gains1
JFK in 1960.
Only Mrs. Mable Akin knows
exactly how far "behmd" Nixon
Hoover really was. The l'Bl nles
from the fifties and sixties h·:wc
recently been made public, and
the flies on Mrs. Akm arc as­
toundmgly sparse. They state
only that Mrs. Akin was on the
government payroll, and ,ha, the
details or her work ,re "confi­
dential." but dealt with "infor­
mant rccrui1men1" and ''mo­
rale." The project had n code nnme. repeated ,w1cr on the
document ... kc Cream Man," It
says.
When confronted, President
Mooney dcrned knowledge of
anythmg called Ice Cream Man
"Ice Cream Man. . I thmk that's
the rnan who drivts around your
neighborhood ,n a colorrul
truck, playmg h;1ppy ttmes rrom
o loud spc.,kcr," Mooney s.1id,
blinking several t1mes Of
course, il is. B1n the files rrom
the \'aults, buried deep beneath
the manor house (and obtamed
quite legally. I assure you) speak
ano,her story. For years there have b-ccn ru­
mors than Mrs. Mabel Akin l,c­
queathcd the lunds to build Akin
Hall to Lewis & Clark College
w11h n1 lcas1 1wo stipuJntlons.
One-that Akin be an all
womcn·s donn. Two-th:::11 Bon
Appel1t serve ice crc:im t'll every
meal. The files from the vault,
confim,cd these n11nors, lt.•:wing
1h1s ,cponcrwith two questions
Why would Mrs. Akm supula,e
th:1.1 ice cream be served :1.1 ev•
cry meal, and perhaps more puz•
zling, why would the adminis•
1r.mon ny and cover it up?
When Ms, Nusom invcsti~
gatecl previously, Director of
Public Relations Jean Kempe•
Ware stated, "I have no idea
wha1 you're talking about. l'\'e
never heard anything about n •
I'm sure she hasn'L In [net, I'm
ccrt:iin 1hat no one has any idea
what I'm talkmg about. because
they've .ill eaten the kc cream m
the Bon! All of them except me.
The truth is obvious. Mrs
Akin· was :t surgeon :md a psy•
cl11n1ris1, and J. Edgar 11oovcr
was paymg her for her work. The
!acts allow only one conclusion.
Mrs. Akin was working on mind
co111rol.
Hoover sought to control 1hc
nunds or :.111 Americans via Mrs.
Akm's work. Her early work al-
Mooney wants more hippies at Lewis & Clark
by Dank Diggidy ;_ ____ _
In a recent B,,ard of Trustees .. mccung, Michael Mooney re-
vealed his irresistible urge 10
ad mil more hippies to our com­
munity. "I just think they're Im­
portant 10 LC as a whole. I mean,
come on people, look"' the ex-ample they made of us at the
Fidelity prote.,1!" While the rest
of the board was more con•
cerncd wLth issues like the '"Mas•
,er Plan" on<l current budget
spending, Mooney reponcdly
bursl out with 1hc comnlcnt "I
love the smell of BO in the mom-
111g!" The Board o[Tntstces im•
Overseas Off ice
announces new trip
by Spam Jenkins
Wirt)' Meyers, Director of
Overseas Programs for the
College, announced a new
trip to be offered in the fall of
2000. The Study at Reed pro­
gram will include compre­
hensive classes In material
relevant to today's world as
well as a fitsL-class education,
all just a shon distance across
lhe Willam.we River. ,, ___ _
It'll be a wonderful
opportunity to get
off of this
godforsaken hill.
Martin Hart-Landsberg
Professor of Economics _____ ,,
Already su,dents arc
sc.rambling ,o register for the
20 spots available on the pro•
gram. Similnrly, faculty mem­
bers from all departmen1s are
vying for the enviable duly of
leading this inaug1ual trip.
"It'll be a wonder[ul opportu•
nity to get off of this godforsaken hill." remarked
Martin Hart-Landsberg. Pro•
fessor of Economics.
Meyers takes cTedil for
conceiving the idea o[ the
Reed trip llveycarsa_go: "\saw
thcll fac.ililies, the quality of
the students there and the
high-caliber o( the school and
I knew it was a place I wanted
to send our students,"'
President Mooney is also
cxdtc<l at the idea. In a Lener
recently sent out 10 all student
mailboxes, he stated that "LC
students will gatn a much
greater appreciation for ouT
school by crying to work with
the administration over at
Reed. Two words: No commu•
nicalion.•
Administtators at Reed
noted that Portland philan­
thropist llob Pamplin has
promised 10 pay for any dam­
age LC students cause to
Reed's reputation,
Recd students are equally
eager to host the Pioneers. •1
want 10 get them h,gh on
crack,• declared a proud
Chemistry major at the pres•
tlgious college.
~ Mossy Log April 1, 2000 111ed1a1ely s,anecl laughing,
thmking thal has com111en1 wns
JUSl a joke However, MoonC)'
followed 11 up b)• hgh11ng a JOlnt
and s.,ymg, "By ,h,s L11nc next
year we will have more than 80%
or the student bo<ly wcanng
patchouli oil an<l 1101 showcr­
f ng ... " From 1hr1t point on,
Mooney based the cn11rc meet­
mg on what he called "The Hip­
pie Dilemma"
Mooney began by discussmg
the currenl hippie populal1on,
1hc1r parental resources. and
how 1he school could greatly
rncreasc donations '"l rcnlly
think that people will take ,he
school more seriously. and hope·
fully in umc we can get us some
more money. Mos, oft he hippies
here at LC arc wonh millions.
The <>lher students refer to ,hem
as Tmstafanans," snid Mooney.
It seemed ,hat Mooney's mam ,, ____ _
I just think they're
important to LC as a
whole. I mean, come
on people, look at the
example they made
of us at the Fidelity
protest!
Michael Mooney _____ ,,
concern foradmiuing more h•p·
p1es was the money thal ii tn:.1y
provide. He then compared our
"H,ppte Dilemma" to that Qf
Ree<l College's. "h seems to me
ahm n's easier to admll them over
on I has side. or lhe river cause
1hcpren't really senous hippies,
ahcy'rc JUSI pretending, and we
all know that those arc the most
lucral\vcl"' As part of his effort to
attract more hippies,
Mooney has hired the band
Phish as visiting assistant
professors in the music
department.
Mooney nnishcd up the
meeting by offering his proposal,
which left the board members in
complete awe." I plan on devel­
oping n purely hippie ,lorm with
built in door towels and i nccnse
burners, a hippie cafeteria with
green chairs. and a hippie class­
room building wuh pillows on
the noor, and iapcstnes on the
wall." Mc followed that com•
ment wh h an tvcn more aslon•
ishing plan by announcing 1he
new school mascot. "What you
all have to realize 1s that hippies
need a leader, or else they won't
be able to 11c1 by l hemselves. You
sec, they talk about hemg mdc­
pcnclc-m and original, bul in
truth hippies can't think for
themsclvc,, they need to follow
something. I would know, for I
was one! With lh.:u said. I am
happy to inoroduce the new
Lewis and Clark mascot! Drum
circle please The I looka h ! • The
lloarcl of Trustees 1111111cdi:11cly
broke into applause ;ind then sat
down on 1hc floor, nnd sang
kumbaya Go Muok:,hs 1 lo,vc<l Hoover 10 surgic:.lll)1 im­
plant control dcv1ces m Nlxon·~
mind. Hoover had Elvis Prc;.lcy
under nlmrol in 1hc s:unc w:-ty,
which is why Elvissud<lcnly be•
came a spccrnl agent lor the Bu•
re.tu of Narco,1cs and Dangerous
Drugs, an honor bcstvwed hr
Nixon Bul 1h:11 Hh .. ·uc: wouldn11
work wfth The Beatles, whose
rcvolu1ionary hclmvlor Huovcr
clesper:11ciy wonted tu end Nei­
l her wi,s h easy enough tu use
on the general popuh,cc
Instead, Hoover set Mrs. Akm
10 work on ice crc~un laced w11h
1>sycho1ropic cl rugs. He was ccr•
tain il would appeal 10 The
Bea1ics, and soon they would be
m Hoover's grasp! For test suh­
jccts, Mrs. Akin chose the stu•
dents ,11 Lewis & Clark College,
a rnmpus known in 1ht..: c.:1.rly six­
ties for its violent, revolutionary
students. Under the in0ucncc or
the ice cream all tlf that changed
and apall,y overtook Lhc cam­
pus.
As for The Beatles, the)' all
succumbed to Hoover :md Akm's
ice crea111 or apath)'-,dl except
John Lennon. So M00\'Cr had
Lennon shot.
To 1his day, Akin's ice cre;im
is served in the Bon, and nil who
ca1 It ar~ under the scncl mind­
control ofJ Edgar Hoo"cr
Bon Appetit
recognized
by national
dietary
organization
by Ally Gorgenheeve
At their yearly Evoan and cd­
cry banquet in St. Louis, the
Anorexics and Bulimic Un11cd
org:rnlz:ulon named Lewis &
Clark's Bon Appel n catering ser­
vi(.'.c a ... nu1jor rnouva11011al foc-
1c.1r in our dic1:ny choaccs, .. wnh
special accolades to the salad bar
staff "Nonnally the salad bar is
n 111:,jor impcchmcnt l0 rcachmg
our weigh, goals. But the llon's
policy or adding starch w the
soggy leaves and listless carro,
shreds 111:1kcs our weight loss
mission an even more dc.sirnbk
alternative/' said the
organiz:uion•s spokcsmoclcl,
Shell>)' Whaile. "And with 1he
cxorbnam prites they ch:trgc for
mc:1ls, our members can :1c1ually
save money by mstcad exercis­
ing strenuously or purchasing a
new scale:." An anony1nous
bulimic •grees: "Before I chscov•
crcd the Bon, I actually had to
Jmlucc vomitmg. Nol 10 men­
tion, my fingernails have nc\'er
looked so good!"
The organiz.ntion, whose ac.:•
th1ilics normally (ocus on ,he
phght of its nlcmbcrs to refrom
from properly nourishing ,hcm­
scl"e> in a society rilled with
McDonald~ and Snackwclls,
takes time tu il5 nnnu;.1 reduced
calorie gala Lu honor the cstab•
l1shmen1s that kcc1> them going
I hmugh thci r daily ball le agamst
coting Past «cip1enis of the
award have been the makers of
Syn1p of lpccacand Lm<la Tropp ~SN~== /]Jo«Jnee mnd Jllatwte ==t.._______.,.SN
Pioneer Log haunted by the ghost of editor past
by Whitley Streiber
lCrror stnl<'k the Pitmt'tff Log
stall Wcdncsdry, March 12 as a
hgur<· rrnm 1hr past raised heck­
les and m;trlr chilling an·usa•
m>ns durmga noH;o ... mutine la)'·
orn rught. 1\ttemp1ing lo put out
an un1>rcccdcmc,J "Spring Break
Cullct11blc Ecll11011," 1hc Picmar
lr,g editors were accosted hy su­
pcm:Hur:1I clcmcnLS In an cvcnl
1ha1 kr1 many ol 1hc journalists
questioning their lumrcs wilh
1he newspaper.
According to C)'C\Vllncsses on
tlw s1alf, the odclitic-s began to
unfurl al abou1 11.➔5 p.m., when
the dcc1ricily was inexplicably
knocked ""'-
"\Ve were all hunchcLI over
our ('omputcrs like catatonic
Microsort sol1wan: pr<'>grammcrs
when I 11011ccd I he lights 01ck­
c ring• News l:di1nr Janelle
L:nnureaux sa,d. "I Fcalllrcs l:di­
wrl Aaron I Blackwdll had JUSt
fim,;hccl p1mting some graplucs
off ol the Internet when every­
thmg went hbck ..
When 1hc 1,·mplcton emer­
gency gcncrn1or kicked in and
1hc cmcrgcnq• hgh1s li1 up, 1hc
s1:tff tncmhcrs nouccd an eerie
log 1n 1he om,·c, "Tha1'swhcn WC
licurd some c.:ham,; rnuhng and
lhr v~iicc." < h1d ednor Meaghan
L.m1nrrc said. "A1 hrsl there w-as
jus1 awlul moaning, :incl I
1hough1 somebody had acciclcn-
1ally 1uncd inlo KLC ngain,"
The voice 1hen began callmg
,,u1 "Colin J. flerk ... Colin J.
Beck," sununontng Lhe oLhcT
ch1cl cdilor. Beck was in the back
room \\.'hen 1hc dismembered
voice sot.rnclcd. Rattling chains, and moaning like a tormented soul burnt
by the flames of hell, former chief editor of the Pioneer
Log Mathias Fripp's ghostly apparition returned to the
dffice on the 22nd to lament the current state of the paper.
'"Sol w~ts workmg on my the­
sis on transnaltonal hyperbolic
class insurgency In light of clit·
i.s1 imnge crc:11100. and I JUSl as-su111ed 1 was reeling 1he effcc1s
of three sleepless mghts 111 a row
and 100 many cups or bad Trail
Room coffee:
Mathematics department finds Jesus
by Oejay Ollvercay
The LC Mathcma1ical Sci­
ences deportment surprised
many or 1he College's ma1h devo­
tees this week whc.n it an~
nounced 1ha1 ti would replace
1hc currcnl curnculum ror the
Calculus I and Calculus 2
d~ssc .. s whh a new program
based on 1he 1cxihook Cttlrnlus
for Cliri,rin11s, the newly pub­
lished work of University of
Ponland 1>rofcssor Obadiah
KClSU.
Dcp,1nmcn1 Clrnir Roben
Owens cxplamccl 1ha1 1he reason
The LC Mathematical
Sciences department has
embraced the new Calculus
for Christians textbook. for 1hc change lny in 1hc
depar1111cn1's ongoing aucmpl 10
make 1hc science or rnaihcma1-
ics more rckvan1 to 1hc LC Stll·
tlcnl. "\Ve had been looking
through several 1exibooks 1ha1
focused on applied cakulus.
They were all very good Nolis­
tic Calculus, Neww,a) o,~storcl•
Cltiltl 1111d l~u. and especially
How lo lie, Cltr<U, am/ Sccal Us­
ing Calculus were books 1hn11hc
department kh had grc:a1 mcrh •
Owens 1hc11 displayed a copy of
1hc b,>ok and accompanying
concordance. '"But with Calcufm Jo, Cl1risri,rns we immediately
noticed there was somclhingdif•
frren1, uplifting even, abom this
book. And hey, whll arc we kid­
thng-1he price was righ1!"
Calculus for Cltristia11s is one
ol many books in the Math for
Christians series. What sets
1hcsc hooks apart from other
math 1ex1bouks is 1he near con­
s1an1 reliance upon religious
material [or 1 he explanation of
m:uhcnuuical concepts and the
application of these COllCCplS to
real Hre situations. The calculus
lcxtbook l'ncou..rngcsstudcms to
cite biblical pass1ges when prov­
ing 1heorcms or when showing
thci.r work on complc.-.; dcriva-
1ion and in1cgra1ion problems.
The leather's manual for the
course s1a1cs that prorcssors
should respond positively 1ostu­
dcnts whose answers ring true
spiritually, even ir 1hcy arc ma1h-cma11cally unsound. For ex­
ample, 1he manual suggcslS giv­
ing pamal credit for wrong an­
swers tha1 con1:un words to the
effect or "because l ha1's the way
Jesus wan1ccl ii 10 be.· The
innnual aJso strcs..~es that it 1s not
necessary, but most definitely
welcome. for studenls lO end
written problems wflh the word
"Amen."
Overall students in 1hc. de­
partment sce.m to have no com­
pL~ims abou1 tlte new textbooks.
Contrary 10 wha1 the depart•
n1cnt at1ticip:ucd 1 students have
no1 expressed concern about the
religious nn1urc of I he cum cu•
ltun. •1 don't really care al all,"
said Junior Aaron Kilbey. "I
mean. it takes a ccr1aln measure
or faith 10 be a math major Ill
1he flm pl:tce: Pendmgswdent
performance in 1he nc.w calcu•
lus clnsscs nex1 sc.mcstc.r. the
depa.nmcntsafd ,he)' may decide
to replace mher ma1h 1cx1books
wtth 111les rrom the Math for
Chr1s11ans scnes. Proressor
Harvey Schn11d1 s.1id he would
be parucularly m1crcs1cd in try•
ing out Lin,ttr Algebrt1 for Cliris­
lim,s as long as 1he book ·stuck
to l1S guns.• The possibility or
other math classes besides cal­
culus finding religion does not
seem to bother s1udc.n1S ci1hcr.
•tr 1here's anything Schmidt's
classes need,"' commented jun­
ior Luke Jackson, "h's the sav­
ing grace of our Lord Jesus." But with 1hc appearance or
former clner edaor Mauhias
Fripp's ghoslly apparnion. the
siwation became too D1c.:kcns•
csque lor the rest of 1hc s1aff 10
dismiss 1he hauntmg as snnply
a figment or1he1r joint 1magina•
uun. While Fonnn Editor An•
drew Zahler crossed himself and
reached for lns vt.11 or holy wa­
ter, 1 he ghos1 of cdnor past let
out ano1hcr moan. He lhtn
scowled and adop1cd a s1ern fa.
c1al expression.
"He stud. 'Wh,u have you
done 10 my beau1Hul weekly
publication r recalls Blackwell
Thr spirit conunucd: "'"\Vhcn
I was m charge, we pnmcd ob­
Jecuve, well-balanced s1oncs.
ColinJ, Beck ... you and your sy­
cophantic drones h;we ushered
in a new dawn or blatant, lcf11s1
propaganda. l'or shame I"
Beck, by 1hcn having J01t1cd
the 01hcr ed11ors, implored 1he
ghost IO leave. "Be gone, drcad­
[u 1 spint! Lei us spread our smm
in peace!" he shouted.
Bui Fnpp hadn'I finished.
"The pho1osl What happened 10
,II or the lro111 page pho10s?" 1hc
ghost cried. "Tonight you shall
sec 1hc folly or your slo"enly
ways. and you will be visucd by
1hc guih or a year's wor1h or
shoddy pubhca1ions!"
Just as the cool-headed Ans
Editor Erin Haick reached for
1he phone in an aucmp1 10 call·
1he experienced plwmom fight­
ers a1 Campus Safety, 1hc ghos1
mnde one last acln,om,;hmcnl
and faded aw;iy: .. At leasl srnn
puning om weekly issues, for
jl)vc's sake!"
As a result or 1he experience 1he spcctnl sprmg break issue
w:is canned. Rcacuons 10 the
haunung vaned
"Frankly, I was 1emr1ed."
Zahler s,nd. -1 ,hough, 1hc Judg•
mcnl da)' was upon us. I haven't
been so lnghtcncd smce 1ha1
d,ny man on 1hc bus showed me
lus no-no pl~cc. I'm going
s1ra1gh1 1<> 1he chapel 10 beg
atoncmcm tor our srns ...
"This JUSI goes 10 show the
complc1e lack or rcs1>cc1 we ge1
at this newspaper."' Lamarre said
.. That was Lite lust siraw,"
L'linori.:;tux fomcd "'Every oLhcr
week 1 show up nnd lay out two
10 lour pages or dnvd; I never
signed on lor any or I l11s
Ghostbustcrs crap "
O1hcrs were less amm:ucd
"Wh,ucvcr," Hn1ck sighed.
"If anybody needs me I'll be
trymg lO nm Ov(!rsqmrrcls wilh
my bike," Blackwell said, app>r·
endy confused abom 1he mancr
at hand.
Dusty Holden. Spor1S Edaor.
was not present lor the l3yom,
so local rabble-rouser Dus1y
Hoesly was con1ac1ed 111 his
place. "The Pani• loves youl"
Hoesly crowed.
Beck. last seen assumtng ,he
leial pos111on ou1s1dc 1hc So/An
dcpanmcn1. could 1101 be
reached for commem.
This was the mosL rcccm evi­
dence or supermnural ac11vny al
Lewis & Clark since Joe
Collver's d1sembowckcl carcass
was chscovcrccl hangmg 0111s1dc
of ,he Frank Mnn◊r House wtth
Lhc m111als "'M.F." 1nuoocd 11110
1he buuocks region. Collver,
undcrsiandably, could 1101 be
reached for comment.
Some sample problems from
Calculus for Christians
I) Which or Lbe following is 1he mos1 imponant principle of
continuous functions:
(a) any cons1anL function is continuous
(h) if f(x) is continuous, so is 11r(x)
(c) forony posilive integer n, x'' and the n root ol x are con­
dnuous
(d) they must continue in ll1cir faith In Chris1 es1abl1shed
and firm, nol moved from the hope held out in 1hc gospel
(Col 1:23)
2} Q: What is 1he limit or f(x) as x approaches infin11y? A:
f(x) hns no limit, "for God gives the spirit wiLhout limil."
(John 3:34)
3)John L9:33-34 sai•s "But when 1hcy came roJcsusand found
that he was alrcadi• dead, they did nol break his legs. lns1ead,
one_or lhc soldiers pierced Jesus' side with a spear, bringing a
sudden How of blood and water."
Say Jesus had been crucified on a slope defined by r(x) =
-l/S(x-6)1 + 5. 1r Jesus' crucifix was buried in the ground a1
1he pom1 on 1hc function where x = 8, and the Romnn Legion
who pierced Jesus' side is s1anding auhe point x • ➔ (Fig. 1),
find the area below 1he funclion (but no1 below the x-axis)
and between Chris1 and 1he soldier.
Fig. 1
4 8
April 1, 2000 Mossy Log '9 AE ====@)=
Student whining pays off! John Buck statues
will be removed as a result of campus outcry
by Random A. Passerby
Spuming local an pal rons
Arlene and Jimbo Sehnuzer and
thdr gcncrosny toward the Col­
lege. 1he Board orTrnste<·s voled
on March 23 10 remove the s1a1-
ucs o,usitk 1he Gallery of Con­
Ltn1por.1ry Art. The s1;11ucs, com­
m1ssioncd b)' 1 he Schnuzcrs from
some du<k in Montana were 1n­
s1alkcl Inst fall
Speakmg nhcr annual Board
meeting, Chairman Butch
Swmdclb duburn1cd on the de­
,1s1un "I 1h111k I ,pcnk for the
cn11rc board whrn I say I don 1
~now ,duu the sculp1or was
1h111kmg. orwhai we were 1hmk-
1ng for 1ha1 mancr," Swmdclls
s-11(1. "That Is just some really
rucking ugly an •
Swmddls and the Board re-,,_
"I think I speak for
the entire board
when I say I don't
know what the
sculpto was thinking,
or what we were
thinking for that
matter."
Butch Swindelle. Chairman
'' Complaints about the John
Buck statue~ have grown
more heated as the year has
progressed. The Board of
Trustees blames the
decision to place the statues
on temporary insanity and
unnamed, illegal
substances.
Sync Masterpiece
by an unnamed teenybopper
5cnous music has a new
hero. The muslc that i.s long
crllically acclaimed yet com­
n1erctall y disappointing has
finally fom1d Lhe grm,ip th,u
can bndgc these scemmgly
distant bamcrs. Simply put,
No Srnngs Amrched by'N Sync
rcpresems the future or music
in the 21 • cemury.
From the pitch-perfect vo­
cal hannonies 10 the edg)', cre­
ative, and sllghtly rougn,sh
hip-hop beats, 'N Sync have
crea,ed a m3Slt!rwork, one that
can w1ths1and the tes\ of LLme
and appeal LO both long•LLme
fans as well as draw in new lis­
teners who were lnlUally
turned off by 1he "boy-band"
label. Thankrully, 'N Sync
tn1nscends those labels. Even
I.he Litle or I.he new record. No
St rings Attached, stands as LCS·
Lament lo the stablhLy or this bn11d, having
,veathered d ra­
m a tic romantk
breakups and
chcaung manage•
mem.
On this album,
'N Sync drnw
from many di­
verse Influences
LO create a dis­
tinctly u01que
sound. It is a
schizophrenic
colteclion of im­
pulses. bouncing
r rom Jittery Swedish dance­
pop LO conservauve Beach
Boy hannonies to staccato
New Jnck sass 10 Boyz II Men ,, ___ _
Serious music has a
hero, and its name
is 'N Sync. The boy
band returns with
an artistic statement
for the ages. _____ ,,
ballads, The band slunes
through ¥Tith their fma single,
entitled "Bye Bye Bye" Other
srnndouL tracks mclude "IL
Makes Me lll", "That's When
rll Stop Loving Yoll", and "I
Thought She Kn~w•
'N Sync have cruted a pop
masterpiece with this album,
which will Sllllld as n mu~lcal
turning point for years Lo
come.
Mossy Log April 1, 2000 nc1cd Lo wh:11 appruxun:ucd a
campus•widc consensus In a
rare display or soll,brily, the fac­
ulty. srnff, admi.mstrntfon1 stu­
dents and Skyline Janiu11ial s1off
unilcd 10 demand 1hc srn1ucs'
n·moval.
The facully voted with near•
unan11nity :u us March 1 lllC'CI•
mg 10 remove the c;r-ulpmres.
Jane A1kinson, Dean or ,he Clll•
i<ge, read from 1hc faculty's wm­
tcn rccommtndauons ... Where-a~
all pnnics wc,·c 1.1bvtousl)' mcn­
utllr and cn1<>1innally unfi1 nt the
~
nmc or the comnuss1on; whereas
1he s,a1ues offend our Chnsuan
senstbtliues m m1mtck111g 1he
mating riwals ol a giraffe and 1he
Space Srn11on Mir; whereas 1hc
Master Pinn buclgc1 crunch re·
quucs abs1mencc from all thmgs
fnvolous; be II resolved 1h1s llrs1
of March, year 1wo lhousand,
tha, 1hc sin1ues shall get 1he
boo1.·
P1ck111g up on 1he rcvollllion­
ary sem1tncm or 1hc momcm.
El hot Young. ass1stam prolessor
or h1S1ory, pu1 the clec1ston 111 a
broadercomcx1. "I haven't been
tins overcome by the power or
humrm polc.nual since watcl11ng
'Stand and Deliver.' Or when 1 he
Cards t0ok 1he Phillies 111 game
four or 1 he Nanonal league play­
offs. Damn Th:.11 was intense•
Fellow revolu11onary and professor ol h1s1ory Stephen
Dow Beckham prac1lcally
squealed with ,Jdlght a1 1hc de­
cis10n 10 remove the statues.
'l'hosl' bronze 1nonstrositics
have been di.!t1rn.cung nuemion
from the truly mognificml fen­
lures of this College, such ns
myself. for LOO long: Bcckhn1n
said.
Lone dissenter John Cnllnh:i.n
would nOL comment on his po­
si1iun. but uffcred the author an
mnographcd copy or Jurwrrn1 h
Followmg the facull)' 111cc1-,, __
Also at the meeting,
ASLC Chief Justice
Emily Payne con­
fessed to being be­
hind last fall's statue
decorations.
"lfelt that this cam­
pus needed to lighten
up. _,,
mg. the s1udems, stall and Sky­
line sublets or the College held
1hc1r own March 15 dehbera-
11ons m 1he Odell basemcn1,
which was the only space avail­
able n1 1he ume. Over 1hc din of
washrng machines and
11ogood111k drunkards from S1cwart, rcpre:scnt:nivcs from nll
three parties han11ncrccJ out a
mcmornnclum to thl· Boar<l or
Trustees:.
"The srn1 ues jus1 hlow, hu1
we all ngrcc that 1he gallery
occds son1c son ot ·wclcommg'
an ... ASLC President Gene
Wlxson p,raphrn,ccl. "We pro­
pose I he c.:rcauon or a ,:ollabo ..
nutve mural pmJCCI focusmgon
t lass struggle and r c-:11 urmg ca ..
thcr Lhc z.,pai l<IOS or T:han
Gonzales."
t\lso ,11 ,he mcc1mg ASLC
Chic[ Jus1ice Emily Payne con­
fossc,I to bcmll behind l,i,t fall's
statue ckt:oration proJccLS "'The
k:wcs Hngcnc~Jus11cc lor Jani ..
tors lCt••~lurt .. all or ll, Payne
s:ud w11h a grm "I JHSI felt th.u
thts ca1npus needed 1t1 h_glw.:n
up a bit. 1ha1's all.'
Wink no dcf)1111c da1c has
been SCL for the removal, 1 he
statues will probably disappear
somctiinl' over the 1.,ummcr
when the Schm1zcrs arc out ol
town "10 minimize pmc:nt.mlly
nwk,vard confronL:111cms,"' said
Scou Staff. Vice Pres1clen1 for
College Rclo11ons.
,\1 1hcir ncx1 meeting, 1hc
Truc;1ccs arc expcc1cd to nu1ho­
nze plans for rcc'ISllng the
hronzc sculpwrcs as .. agents ol
compliance/" or h1ppic-go­
night•mgh1 sucks, ror Cainpus
Safe1 y officers.
ioneer Lo AE
KLC reaches stunning
record of eleven listeners Bond tales never
looked so dark
by Ricarcdo S. Guillanni ---
KLC Rud10. 111 a mumplrnm
new::. 4;1Jnkrc1H.:c. -;111nuum:c<l 1hc
accomphshmc111 ,,r 1hc1r goal ,,f
rcad1ingt,vcrccn h~u:nc~at onr
11111c The KU ... ·Double D1g1ts·
1,..a111p,11gn went bc:ttrr I h~tn anr•
one c,pcclcJ The camp:ugn
>ltctc»lull~ ended clurmg Craz)
E<klit, C.numry-Frtcd Blucgrns,
131'1" nm II our Morch l ➔ ,ll I 0
pm
• I ncvcrt hnught 1 ·<1 llw to ,cc
th1S da) s:ud J.:LC. Gcncml Man­
ager Andre" Dnth It 1s .1 Lrttl)
:t moml'ntou~ occJs1on tn tht
h15tory of J.:LC and ol Lewis &
(.lark College One.mall ,tcp fm
.1 DJ unc giant leap tor KLC'"
.. It wa,, rcall) gn:.11, »1d J.:LC
ho.uJ member Ad.1m D1xnn
J.:LG 1us1 hn, ,1 tc,uval ,11tno­
!\rhcrr 10 1l Everyone hug.:-. lm
another. ,rnd um·, stop 1alk111g
abom 1hc momentous cvc111s ol
the pas1 weeks. It IS truly a mag,•
cal 11mc to be alive
KLC, ,nan ellon 10 1hank us
llstcncn., 1hrcw a pany for 1he
eleven llstcnc~ who panictpated
in 1hc magu.:nl t'vcnt. Lnst Fr\clay,
KLC 1hrcwa blowou1 •• 1hc Gov­
ernor Ht1\cl dowmown, com•
plcte wuh buffc1, champagne
and nn open bar.
•·\Ve jus1 wanted to show our
grarnudc to those who made 1h1s
cven1 posstblc, "said Daily .. Its
JUSt a small token ol our oppre­
c1a t 1on courtesy of ASLC
funds.·
One gToup or lucky lis1encrs, A normal weekeday
broadcast at KLC
wmcd and dmcd at KLC's ex­
pense. were sophomores John
Morse. Enc Tigrc, Ka1hlecn
~a,hc. and Jill Duby. Sadie dc­
scnbed 1hc events leach ng up 10
the occas,011.
'·We were ull hangmg out m
John and Eric's room,
smokmg ... uhm, smokmg, :md
Enc wem 10 rhp the Gr.nclul
Dead bootleg we had playmg
and he acc1dcmally 11,ppcd on
KLC Well anyway, we couldn 1
To the Tryon
Creek Flasher
by Azlza Crupor
To be a man and take
a stand
Is not to stand as you
had planned
Witn pants around
your
ankles.
Within the trees who
do you please? You please )'.Ourself.
Wha1 fantasies
Are worth baring that
that dangles?
So put it up!
Away!
ZiP,­
locked!
Freeze
dried!
A
shriv­
eled
piece of
J?ale
flesh
It holds no power for
the rest
And soon you'll find
we do not care.
And you'll get cold.
You think you're
bold,
But we all know, the
truth be told,
You'll trip and fall
within tne grass,
With pants around
your ankles. figure ou1
how tu get
the cape to
pl~)'. and
the bluc­
gr;:1ss was
prc11y
lrlpp), S<)
we just
kicked
back with
that 11 was
mellow."
Asked
how KLC
knew who
c,-•ctl)·
who h,1d
listened
dunng thr
landmark
r v r n t ,
Daily re­
sponded,
"! could
1ell you, hut then I'd have to kill
)'Oll ..
When asked abou1 futurr
plans, Daily replied, "Next year.
111 collabora11on with the Phys­
ics depanmcn1. we will be
launching the satcllilc KLC-1
mL0 a low earth orbit. This will
. ,!low KLC to monllor .. er,
broadcast across the globe, sc1-
tmg 1hc stage for KLC Lu seize
power m a dastardly and com­
plicated plot But rvc said too
much, you·n ju,1 ha\'c to w:111
. mcl sec,. by Jacob Edwards Roberts VIII
This reviewer fully recom­
mends the laies1 007 movte,
Back To /\£1ica L<V:tr Bunon
1ums m annther dazzhng pcrfor­
mam;.·c 3,) laa Flctmng':, r.11nou~
,py/misogynist-Kmte, Kunta
J.:mtc Of course, Maya Angelou
agam breaks boundaries m he,
turn ~b the voluptt10U:, Hairy
Tublady
ThtS la1cs1 atlvcrnure 011ensas
Kmlc csr-,,pc> bondage lr<>m had-
'' LeVar Burton turns in
another dazzling
performance as the
famous spy/misogy­
nist--Kinte, Kunte
Kinte. Levar Burton plays Kinte,
Kunta Kinte
nauon called Liberia. facemm
--'' muhi-lnlllonairc Willis Wallace
(Sidney Poi11er in his most chal­
guy Jim Crow. Crow had ,he lt11g111g role to date) is bent on
usual 007 an:h-nttncs1s plan of the segrcgauon of blacks and
killmg Klntc slowly so 1ha1 he whi1cs as part of a dasiardly-con­
can re.lish m his ul11m:ttc victory. ccived moneymaking scheme Q
This time 1hc plan mvolvcs a hooks 007 up with the u.sual
pro1rac1ed period ol involumary ncai gadgeis, the ln1cs1 Geo con­
servitude tn which Kmtc must vemblc, and some coconut milk
work long hours for Crow un-. (shaken, not s1irretl) and off he
dcr harsh condi11ons until he •goes to save the world. again .
dtcs. As usual, Kintc csca1,cs-l Needless to say, dich:ttd fans
won't tell you 1hc details, le,•, uf Kunta Kinte movies w,11
jus1 say he takes "the tnu11. • throng to thca1crs to sec 1h1Sonc,
Back in England, Kime learns bUL If you arc a 007-virgin. 1h15
of a plot to send all Mn can-is 1he movie to end yourcclibacy
Americans 10 a small Mricau wuh .
LCTV produces quality
episode; students amazed
"It's like Schindler's List at our school!" one exclaims
by an anonymous source
LCTV, Lewis and Clark's
weekly news program, hos cap­
tured 1hc hearlS or students and
faculty alike in yet ano1hcr hard­
hi11ing, emotionally-charged
episode. This week in particular,
swdents were especially im•
pressed with rovmg reporter
Micah Saul's expost on
admmisl r.11 ion•s1 udenL
relations showcasing not
only the voice or the stu­
dcm body, but also the
concerns of those in the
Dean's office Arter
watching the program,
Michael Ford, Dean or
Students, remarked, "I
was unaware or the frus•
1rat1ons being voiced by
1hes1udem body on 1his
very important issue.
Than ks 10 LCTV, I be•
hevc wc can walk to•
gether down the road 10
communication." The LC com•
mumty isn't the only one 10 take
no11ce of LCTV'sconsistent dedl­
canon to excellence. The Future
Media Moguls o[ America
(FMMA) organization has re• cemly endowed LCTV wi1h Its
esteemed Golden Tripod award
for 1he team's investigative and
ttnbiascd coverage of 1he recent
ASLC elections. According to
FMMA spokesperson Mick
Dicmorc, '"LCTV has proven it­
self time and Lime again lo be thc
most reliable source of news for
1he mullitude of dlvcrsc ncUv1-
1ies sponsored by Lewis and
Clark College. Such an active
and empowered student body
deserves and equally all-encom­
passing news program. LCTV has gone above and beyond 1hc
level of college-level rcporung
with a product enjoyable and
in[onnaiive 10 everyone It is so
refreshing 10 see college students
1aklng 1hctr work seriously, in•
siead of using their posuion for
the personal g3111, or simply
humping random
objects LCTV, we
salute you!" Says
LCTV director
Cody I locsly, "11ftcr
so many years of
takmg risks to give
the people of LC the
quality they de­
serve, n's mce to fl.
,wily be given some
recognit1on, cspc•
c1ally after havmg
worked so hnrd to
get the real issues
behind the ASLC
clccuons. However,
I believe the results speak for
1hcmsclves. Of course, tt all
wouldn\ be possible wilhoUI the
con11nu,ng support or 1hc LC
commu1111y, from Mike Ford to
ASLC to the mailroom workers."
April 1, 2000 Mossy Log W SL
Lewis & Clark President Michael Mooney relaxes with
Playboy bunnies over spring break. The Manor House
was transformed into a miniture mansion for the week.
MM tatoos along with bunny ears were distributed free
of charge to the many students who opted to stay on
campus especially for the event.
Playboy comes to
campus and hosts
'Spring Break' events
byHugh Hefner in preparation [or auditions
for Playboy's Girls or College
On Wednesday, Michael newsstand special.
Moone)' announced his en- Everyone seemed to be
,gagcmcnl to Av:1 Fabian. h:ivmg a marve1ous time, save
Playboy, Miss Octohcr 1986. photographer Amy Freytag,
The couple met, Mooney said, who has heen with Playboy
•ac a fundmising event." since 1977. Freytag, citing the
Fabian says that despite the cold temperatures and cloudy
age difference she •couldn't be s~,es. seemed quite distraught
happier• w11h the match. The over ,he decision to move the
nnnouncemcnt came cltarmg l'es1ivh1es rrom P:mnma City.
the opening ceremonies for "The girls at this school
Playboy's popular ·Spring aren't even all thnt hot; he
Break' c,•cnts. which arc being told reporters, "after spending
held for the first time at tlt&t a week here I can s,1y they're a
Lewis &r Clark College cam• Int like the food: grcaS)' and
pus. hastily prepared."
When asked what kinds of In hopes of pr<:Scrvmg the
events students should look first place rankmg in Hedo­
forward 10 In the upcoming nlsm 1ha1 Lewis & Clark re•
week Kevin Mayer, ceivcd lnst fall, and In light or
Playboy.tom's CEO, said, ··we Freyt.tgs remarks Mooney has
plan on h:wmg bikini contests, 1,rom1scd to solve the problem
wc1 t•shirt p:igcants, and if the by 1ssu111g a mandate that all
Wl'11thcr holds nn great big orgy applyingstudc111,submil 1he,r
on the Manor House lawn." currcm photograph, "I'm jlLst
Students 111 Copeland nnd dlllng ull th:tt l can to keep
Plntt-Howaru were alrc•ci)' 'SprtngBreak'atLC."Mooney
,ccn taking shots off scant!)' said in his defense, "Reahsu­
dad women, and It was ru-tally unless we can get hotter
mored that even 1hc girls m and more promiscuous girls.
Stewart were shnvmg their pu• Linn field nnght be Playboy's
b,c hair Into cute l11tlc strips ch01ce for £u1urr events."
W' Mossy Log April 1, 2000 and'-"-/ SL
Football player breaks stereo­
types, actually a good guy
by Joe Montana ------
Paul Johnson, the second
string tight encl for the Lewis &r
Clark football team is ·not an
obnoxious over masculine cgo-
11s1ical :,ssholc like the other
football players" according Lo
sources that know the sopho­
more. This, or course, contra­
dicts 1he stereotype that m3ny
Lewis &: Clark students hold ol
the rcspcc11vc members or their
bclo"cd Pioneer football team.
In a m11shell, the football
1>layers at Lewis & Cl3rk nee
seen as "obnoxious, homopho­
bic, ovcr.mascuHne, large white
guys who vote repubhcan." Yet,
Paul foils to fit into 1his stereo­
type.
The implicalion ot th,s be­
coming pub he knowledge ts t re•
mcndou.s since il would prove
that not all football players who
n11cnd Lewis & Clark arc obnox­
ious sexist homophobic morons.
People who know l'au I have
described him ns a very poluc
and shy sor1-spokcn young man
who rc,7,ects women and homo­
sexuals. He has never once ,tscd
the word "Fag" or talked abouL
the gargantuan size of his penis
ai a decibel, which was clearly
in1endcd lo intimidate Olhcrs
He has never once appeared in
public intoxicated and has never
slapped the buns or a physically
attractive fcma1c in order to im­
press his friends or feel power-ful
This comes as shock to m:111y or us a, Lewis &r Clark; as we
have assumed Llull ,:.,I) Lhc in.em­
bers or 1he loo1ball team do this
,,n a regular basis. Paul also
doesn't 1hmk he's ··hot shit or
God's g,r, lo women." This
comes as [resit breath 10 us all
smcc w(• all know thal males
who thmk 1h,s (regardless ol'
whether they"re on the football
1cam or not) arc all pathcuc
wcakhngs msidc who h,de be­
hind lhis Facade m order to give
themselves a false sense ol con•
ltdcncc.
·1 just gain confidence for lik­
ing m)•sclf as a human bemg
that's all; says Paul. ''I just don't
reel that one needs 10 ·bang the
most bea vcr' , n order 10 love
oneself and gain respect from
t he1r peers. It also bothers me
when we're l1hc tt'11ml ,sin the
locker room together before n
game and everybody starts brag­
ging aboul their sexual exploits
as ,r fomalcs where jus1 poims
one gamed by having irncr­
coursc wuh Lhcm. I mean whnt's
the fun In mtcrcoursc i£ it m­
volvcs some silly point systcml
Nol cvcrythmg is a compcw1on,
Jesus!"
It is also a well-known foct
thaL every nne of the football
players at LC arc frnm rural Or·
cgon. Tins 1sn) true-smcc Paul
i.s from rural Idaho. Paul 1.!vcn
tolcl me th:11 "There's no1h111g like a good Potato harvest 10 case
the pain ol 1hc soul•
Clearly Paul wasn't lymg
when he told me tho1 he wns
from Idaho tor ,f he was lrom
Oregon he would ol made thaa
snmc comment about " good
magic rnus-hroom harvest Pnul
polittcal ixhcls :1iso dev,aic from
the norms ol the loo1ball team
since he is a registered Dcmocn:n
as opposed 10 a Republican.
"I don't know, George W
Bush JUSt bothers me. Whenever
I look at h1111 I get fnghtened I
mean. why do we: keep on nomi­
naung one! clcc11ng spmlccl nch
boys as the lc•dcr ol our nauon 7
111 wanted an cx-coc:unc :1dd1C1
as pres,dcn1 I'd Just vote lor
Clinton ag:nn l'm not :1 s1rong
Dcmocnu I hough because Gore
remands me of a corpse 1 hat JUSI
hsd rigomor11s scl in. lie 10 1s
also a spo1 led nch b<>)'."
l'3ul and h,s poss,ble cffc<:1
upon the s1crcotypcs that LC
students hold ag•insL loo,ball
players can be best Slimmed up
by what h,s rricnd Freshman
Heather Beckem s,ud :ibout lum.
·•Until I met P:iul.1 used 10 th111k
that all football players were
deep down ms,dc, hurt l111lc
boys who 1ml bch111cl • shell or
mascul11111y. Now I 1hmk that
only a m.1jor11y ol lootball pby­
crs arc hurl l111le boys who h,clc
bchmcl a hollow exterior ol mas­
culimty •
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At4to,notive Ser-vice) Inc. ==-=Rea/News=====Mo~sey~Log~
News Briefs
Copeland resident falls from window
courtesy of Michael Ford
Early Friday morning,
March 24. Brian Weissinger,
a sophomore Copeland Hall
rcsidenl, fell 1hrough 1he F50
lounge window screen (lif1h
lloor) and suffereJ serious
head and pelvic injuries, He
is currcnlly it1 intensive care
al OHSU,:md a number of his
family members arc w1th
him.
Mis family would like II
known 1ha1 your prayers and
expressions of support, con-ccrn, and cncouragemenl
are deeply apprecia1ed.
Cards or leuers may be
sent 10 Brian Weissinger. c/
o Dean or S1uclents Officr.
MSC 102. I will deliver
1he111 w family members,
who wi11 share-1hc111 with
Bnan at 1he hospital. You
may also direct your carcts
or leucrs to Bri:.H11s sisler,
Erlk.t Weissinger, 9233 NE
381h Ave, Portland, OR
97212.
LC students named to All-District team
courtesy of Patrick Stewart
Lewis & Clark College
s10dcm-aihlc1es Andy Holder
and Neil Weare were named
10 1he 2000 GTE Acadcnuc
AII-D1s1nc1 VIII Men's Fall/
Winier Ai-Large Team, ac•
cord111g to chs1rict coordina•
1or and Cornell College
sports information director
Darren Miller. By vir1uc of
lhc1r first team status, both
athletes now will advance 10
1hc naiional ballot and 1hc
all-Amenta tl.'.:lm will be an­
nounced Apnl JS.
Holder. :1 senior swimmer
rrom Missoula. MonL. earned
Acaclem,c AII-Nonhwest
Conference accolades and
placed 56th overall n1 1 he
NWC championships 1h,s
season. He \i.•on seven races
and was 1he first leg of the
200 lrccs1yle relay 1cam
which won four umcs. A
muh1plc rcc1p1cnL or aca•
dem1c scholarships and
member of lhe Dcan·s List
dunng every semester a1
Lcw,s & Clark. Holder regis­
tered 1he h1gl1es, grade-po,m
average (3.99/pohucal SCI•
cnce) among the 10 members
ol 1hc all-dis1nc1 1eam. A sophomore from
Snma Rita, Guam, Weare
received all•conrcrence
honors m cross coumry ar ..
,er nnishmg in 101h place
at 1hc 1999 NWC Champ1-
onsh1ps. He also was
named 10 1hc NCAA Divi­
sion Ill All-West Region
Team because or Ins I01h­
p1acc result. \Vcarc was
1abbcd all-conference as a
freshman. The 1hrcc-11me
Deans LisL honoree owns a
3.95 cumulauve GPA m
biochcm1s1ry, second only
to Holder among s1uclcm­
athlctcs reprcscn11ng 1he
Wes, on the national ballot.
The Academic All­
America teams arc voted
upon by all members ol
CoSIDA. 1hc Colkgc Sports
lnlormauon Directors of
America. Dis1ric1 VIII en­
compasses 1hc ,vcsLcrn
states ol Alaska, Arizon:-'I,
California. 1 lawa,i. Idaho.
Nevada, Oregon, Uiah,
Washmg1on :mcl the Cana­
dian province orBm,sh Co­
lumbia. The College Div1-
s1on includes schools in
NCAA D1v1s1011s II and Ill
and NAIA DIVISl()TlS I and
II
New & Used CDs
Records & Tapes
11am -8pm Daily
Buy*Sell*Trade
Viv.A l-B .... RE\1,t:fl!UililON
CDs& RE~S
Open House Celebrationl
Saturday, April 8th
Live Music & Drawing for Free CDs
Enter the Drawing Today!
7227 SE Milwaukie
(2 Blocks So. of Bybee)
(503) 234-0258
vivalarevpdx@netscape.net
Picks, Strings, Sticks, 'Zines
Credit Cards Welcome The results of the ASLC
run-off election are:
Your
ASLC PRESIDENT
for 2000-2001
• IS
Joe Bielecki.
Of 329 votes cast, Joe
received 210. His
opponent, Travis Litman,
received 119 votes.
The Pioneer Log regrets
that this information did
not appear in the previous
issue.
The Pioneer Log is
looking for staff members
for
2000-2001
Section Editors
Writers
Photographers
Copy Editors
What's in it for you?
Satisfaction of a job well done;
experience working with computers;
looks good on a resume; meet new
people; watch sunrises; make some
money; have fun
piolog@lclark.edu1 x 7146 Crime
Beat
courtesy of Gregg Wanciak,
Campus Safety
March 17, 2000
Upon responding 10 a fire
alarm In Mowarcl. A Campus
Safc1y officer discovered that
:, smoke dctcc1or, in a donn
room, had been removed
from its housing 1hus caus­
ing the alarm. The smell of
marijuana was strong in the
room and lls occupan1 was
still in residence during the
alarrn. Can everyone say
'oops'?
March 19, 2000
An RA making rounds in
Manzanita discovered sh3v­
ing cream spr.1yed on the
door, walls and lloor or the
second floor bathroom.
Also, a beer can was found
shoved imo 1he ceiling 1ilcs
in 1he lounge.. A l2 pack of
beer m the common area re•
frigerator was confiscated
and the contents dcstro)•td.
March 22, 2000
A Facilities Services em­
ployee reported vandalism
10 the Copeland F50 toun~c
A window screen and a chair
had been cul with a sharp
objec1. Investigation re­
vealed I he damage to be at
kast 1wo weeks old
March 24, 2000
Several glass panes 111 a
door leading from
Annstrong Lounge omo 1he
sou1hem pauo in the Frank
Manor House were round
with lin,es and numbers
etched imo 1hcm. One of 1he
glass panes wJs broken
March 27, 2000
Graffnl, m red sprnr
paint. was found on one of
1hc Blue Siar shuttle buses
1,arkcd m 1he Griswold lot.
The gr.iffi11 s1a1cd, "f-igh1 1hc
Capitalis1 Powcrecllon."
•Ju$t <I r'l'mhl"e,, e\'rry
Cnrnt Ilea! for the 10,1 1wo
year,. as wdf cl> 1111 olhct rd­
tv<IIII crime and >C1fcty info•­
tnatlon, is aJwr4y.) /JCJ}trcl cm
out wcbsirc Jar tasy, 24 huur
access
The stories contained within these pages are fictitious. Any resem­
blance to any persons, living or dead, is purely concidental.
Happy April Fool's Day.
April 1, l000 Mossy Log w Friday
March 31
Alumni Site Visit at 3:00
pm In the Center for
Service and Work in
Templeton.
Student Film Festival at
8:00 pm in the Council
Chamber.
William Wilde Zeitler's
Glass Armon/ca at 8:00
pm in the Platteau.
Opera Performance:
three one-ad operas
presented by the Opera
Workshop at 8:00 pm in
Evans Auditorium.
The Great American Film
Series presents Shane at
10:00 pm In MIiier 105.
Saturday
Aprill
Expanding Your Horizons
Career Conference at
8:00 am in the Agnes
Flanagan Chapel.
Saturday in Service:
Community Energy
Project at 8:30 am in the
..:SAW office in ...
Templeton.
Hawaii Club Lu'au with
dinner and performances
at 4:30 pm in Pamplin.
SOFA Cinemas presents
The Sixth Sense at 7:30
and 10:00 pm in the
Council C=hamber.
Opera Performance:
three one-ad operas
presented by the Opera
Workshop at 8:00 pm in
Evans Auditorium.
Sunday
April 2
Potluck in the Park at
2:15 pm at the CSAW
office.
PERSONAL AD Monday
April3
International Affairs
Symposium: Internal vs.
External Causes of Ethnic
Conflid at 3:30 pm in
the Council Chamber.
Poetry Reading with
Maya Sonenberg at 4:00
pm.
Physics Colloquium:
"Modem Cosmological
Puzzles• with Professor
Gregory Bothum at 4:00
pm in Olin 204.
International Affairs
Symposium: Destructive
Engagement at 7:00 pm
in the Council Chamber.
Tuesday
April4
International Affairs
Symposium: The Seeds of
Ethnic Conflict at 3:30
pm in the Council
Chamber.
International Affairs
Symposium: Promoting
Ethnic Peace at 7:00 pm
in the Council Chamber.
The Great American Film
Series presents Or.
Strange/ave at 10:00 pm
in Miller 105.
Wednesday
April 5
International Affairs
Symposium: Is the Ethnic
Ideal Separatist or
Integration/st? at 3:30
pm in the Council
Chamber.
International Affairs
Symposium: Containing
Ethnic Fear at 7:00 pm in
the Council Chamber. Thursday
April 6
Women Walk the
Marathon Meeting at
6:00 pm In the Agnes
Flanagan Chapel.
Friday
April 7
LCTV Alternative Movie
Night featuring The Man
with the Movie Camera
and Man Bites Dog at
8:00 pm In the LCTV
office.
The Great American Film
Series presents Patton at
10:00 pm In Miller 105.
Saturday
April 8
Saturday in Service:
Growing Gardens at 8:30
am In the CSA W office.
SOFA Cinemas presents
Star Wars Episode I: The
Phantom Menace at 7:30
and 10:00 pm in the
Council Chamber.
Orchestra Concert at
8:00 pm in Evans
Auditorium.
Urban Dance Party at
10:00 pm.
Admitted Student
Program at various
campus locations.
Sunday
April 9
Men's Baseball vs.
Lin field College at 1 :00
pm. ..
J \
Sunday Chapel Series
Concert Violin with
Piano at 2:00 pm in the
Agnes Flanagan Chapel.
SEEl<ING A SOULMATE
The Pioneer Log: attractive, witty, intelligent, enjoys late nights, long
walks on the beach. Seeks energetic, personable, responsible students for
companionship, Log rolling, arid possible staff positions.
X 7146 Monday
April 10
Teach for America
Information Session at
8:30 pm in Thayer 1 and
2.
Teach for America
Interviews at 1 :00 pm in
Geary and Gray rooms.
Physics Colloquium:
Advanced physics
/abratory pro;ects by LC
students at 4:00 pm in
Olin 204.
Tuesday
April 11
Teach for America
Information Session at
8:30 am in Thayer 1 and
2.
Scholarship Recognition
Luncheon at 11 :30 am in
Stamm .
Teach for America
Interviews at 1 :00 pm in
Geary and Gray rooms.
Poetry Reading with Gary
Gildner at 8:00 pm.
The Great American FIim
Series presents Tender
Mercies at 10:00 pm in
Miller 105.
Wednesday
April 12
Teach for America
Information Session at
8:30 am in Thayer 1 and
2.
Teach for America
Interviews at 1 :00 pm in
Geary and Gray rooms.
CLASSIFIED AD Thursday
April 13
Alumni Site Visit al 3:00
pm in the CSAW office.
Student Recital with
Ryan Casperson at 8:00
pm in Evans Auditorium.
Student and Faculty
Dance Concert:
"Squirrels, Girls, and
Falling Skin" at 8:00 pm
on the Main Stage of Fir
Acres Theatre.
Friday
April 14 --
lntemship Fair at 1:00
pm in Templeton.
History Symposium:
• Fact and Fiction: What's
All the Fuss about
Narrative History'" with
John Demos at 3:15 pm
in MIiier 105.
Arts Alive/ Performance:
Elegance and Joy, Korean
MUSIC and Dance al 7:30
pm in the Agnes
Flanagan Chapel.
Student and Faculty
Dance Concert:
"Squirrels, Girls, and
Falling Skin• at 8:00 pm
on the Main Stage of Fir
Acres Theatre.
Electronic Music
Marathon at 8:00 pm in
the Council Chamber.
The Great American FIim
Series presents The
Apostle at 10:00 pm in
Miller 105.
$$$$ EASY MONEY $$$$
I will pay $40 for your phone book
Call Lee Ramsey collect at 865-577-7237
April 14 will be the last issue of the year for the Pioneer Log.
Call us at 768-7146 to place an ad or to get your event listed in Publick Occurrences,
~ Mossy Log April 1, 2000 pp PA
Akin feminists agree on shower
cams to fund Women's Center
by Larry Flint
Whe1hcr you're an angry or
c:1lm feminist you're bound 10
agree ,h:1, having :a Women's
Center on c•mpus couldn't hun,
The only problem is, as is 1he
case with most causes, who is
gomg 10 pu1 up 1hc cash for ii?
The angry feminists demand
that, since we arc living in a pa•
triardml, c-npilaHstic. hierarchal.
opprc$Sive. tyrannical, reprcs•
sivc, chauvinisuc, apathetic SO·
CICI)' everyone should chip in. "If
we had our way," Rachd
Bergeson said, •we'd prescribe
mandatory sex changes for all of
the men: only 1hen could 1hcy
begin lO undtrs1and 1hc pain
tha1 we have h<:en forced 10 en•
durc."
The calm feminists claim I ha1
s1udem fees could beuer be used
on non•discriminaiory 1hings
1ha1 help 1he cmirc communi1y
as a whole, ra1her than Jus1 1he
females. 111 don11 sec why we can1l
alJ just ge1 along," said Dusty
llocsly. "I 111ean come on, flrs1
we gave Lh('m Lhc vote, and now
all those chicks wan I 10 be con•
sidered equal 10 men-honestly where do you draw 1he line?"
The cwo sides have been
deadlocked for months, and
since neither has been able lO
come up with a plan to submit
10 1he budgeting office the
\.VomcnS Center has remained
jus1 a pipe dream. Thai is, until
now,
Sei:dng the momcnturr1 from
Playboy's recem 'Spring Break'
events on campus, members of
the Akin donnitory for women
have decided 10 independently
nmmcc the construction or a
Women's Center here on cam­
pus. Starling nex1 week Akin
will go on line with their newest
fundraising vemure, found a1
akinshowcrcams.com. The
website will fcarnre live video
footage 1wen1y.four hours a day, seven days a week.
"We go1 the idea from our
surroundings," an Akin RA 1old
us, .. we knew that there was
plemy of sweet, swee1 lesbian
love going on in 1hc showers, all
we needed was I he ins pi ration
10 install video cameras-guys
like ihai son or thing. "The an·
nounccmem drew bo1h angry
•nd calm feminis1s 10 1he table
for a mee1ing, and af1er on!)' fif.
teen minutes of discussion both
sides seemingly emerged con•
1en1. "This seems like 1he per­
fect solunon," Bergeson said,
.. we, 1 he sisters and I rue ch izens
of mother Gaea, arc finally get•
ting somewhere."
Hoesly added, "Who knew
1h01 working iogcihcr could be
so much fun.·
Callahan makes news for
something other than Ellison
'V Mossy log April 1, 2000 pp
International Affairs
Symposium decides
to embrace gender
by Netta Vanvliet
In a surprise announccmetH
1his week, the ln1cma1ional Af­
fairs Symposium swdetH co­
chairs :111d facuh)' advisor un­
veiled an enurely new fonna1
forihe annual LC even 1. In re•
sponse 10 facul1y and 1he Sill•
dem body regarding_gen<ler is•
sues around the world. this
year's symposium directors de•
cidccl 10 revolutionize 1he 38
year-old trad111011 with a new
look and feel. Embracing the
intra-human-race nco•
pos1modcrnisL gcnclo•
syn1heslsm rapidly gaming
popularity and critical acclaim,
1he mainstay of LC's imem••
1ional programs will don a new
mask 1his )'ear.
Speaking from his airy, sun•
Iii office, Bob Mandel, profcs•
sor of ln1erna1ional Alfairs and
the symposmm's focuhy advi­
sor, described the new think•
mg 1ha1 has emerged from LC's
venerable realist stronghold. "I
want human creatures to real•
izc, in 1111s borclcrless. future­
less world, 1ha1 gcndcr:rncl in­
ternational affairs scholarslnp
are lntrin~ically linked,"
Mandel said, clad 111 a bngh1
pink knnono :md straw sun
hat "The con01c1-mongering
and violence-promoting ways
of 1he old days arc for behind
us. I visualize a world of hand­
holding and singing, preferably
in war-torn, third world coun•
tries.'' Mandel continued, at
which pom1 he stood, anns
ou1s1re1chcd and l>ehccl ou1 a
few choice lyrics (rom Ani
DiFraneo's latest hit,
Frctlkshuw
Student co•chalrs Suzanne
Youmch, and EricJohnsare en·
1husi.s1lc abou1 the new for•
mM. "Our ongm:,I 1op1c, ell1-
nic conmct. was juSl 100 dry
and bland for 1hc 1wcn1y•f1rst
ccmury,'" remarked \'oumch1
Johns eagerly f1111shed her
Lhoughl, "Yeah, everybody 1s
11red of hearing abou1 Rwanda
and Kosovo, anyway." The 1wo
were speaking from I he
Symposmm's new office, lo­
cated adincc111 10 1he Gender
Studies depanmcn1 m Sodmc
The move was made from I he
lmerna1ional Afln,rs/Pohucal
Science bu,ldmg m order 10
"correcLly cemcr 1hc new spin•
tual and 1111cllec1ual grounding
of 1his rejuvenated msm,mon,"
expla111cd Johns Where
Gilp,n, Krasner, and
Mnchrnvelli once adorned
bookshelves. srnlp1urcs of an•
drogynous fonns and tomes of
1hc Marquis de Sade now dom1•
na1c 1he 11ny ofhcc.
The symposium 11sclf will
spon .some new fcaLUre.s. most
notably, daily brown•bng dis­
cussions with sptakcrs under
the transluccm wrngs ol 1hc
free 1ea and pastry mobile
Speaker Colonel Michael
Dzicd1c, Scmor M1l11ary Fellow
a1 1hc lns1i1ute for Nauonal S1ra1cgil' S1ud1cs, will be per­
forming an 1111erprc1ivc dance
on the Grassy Knoll of 1hc
gender-biased Kosovo air at·
tacks las1 spring and sununer.
Ambassador William Graham
Walker, hc:id of I he Kosovo
VcrHka1ion Mission ror 1hc
Organiza1ion for Security and
Cooperation in Europe, and
Stanley Kober, Research Fel•
low In Foreign Polk')' S1ud1cs
at the CATO lns1ilu1c will en•
gage In a lively dcba1c cn1i1lcd
~Myn and \.Vomyn m Tud:.1y's
ln1crna1ional Diplomacy: Op­
posing Theories or I he
Tongue.·
Beverly Crawford. Lcciun:r
on Political Economy of In­
dustrial Societies at 1he Um•
versi1y of California, ;11 llerke­
lcy, is sla1cd 10 <lehvcr a rous•
Ing speech in verse, via mega•
phone, from 1hc lop or a John
Buck statue ouLS1dc the G,al•
lcri•, Crawford's original piece,
"Stage Two: Unravchng 1hc
Tangled Legs of Global Capi•
1ahs111 • will be accompamcd
by visual effects Anatol
L1cvcn. 1hc Carnegie l:nclow­
mcm for lntennnional Peace
Scmor Associate lor foreign
and Sccurhy Pohcy. will direct
;1 laser I ight n nd video show
belund Crswrorcl, cm hied "In•
frequent Bas11ng: One
Womyn's Qucs1 for 1hc Perfcc1
Terrorist ,.
The symposium is no1 the
only IA inst11u1ion to gc1 a
focclif1. Mandel has mancla1ecl
"cross•dressmg Fndays• and
the removal or all w:ills and
doors lrom 1he lmernauonal
Mfa, rs/Poli1 lc•I Sc,encc office
l>\nlding. Cyrns Par1ov1, a sdl'­
proclauncd "hard core rcal,s1·•
hns cxpn:sscd saus(ac1wn
wuh the new focuhy uncma•
lion. "'I've :'llways k.h shy wcnr•
mg a mtn1sk1rt, hu1 m>w I can
<lo II 0U1s1dc ol my home and
feel comfortable." Andrew
Conell, new 10 LC 1h1s year,
1s excited nbout the IH'W
changes, "This 1s really wh:u I
was cxpccung from :t sm~II
hbcral ans school; my many
years m grad school arc hnall)•
paymg off• Stephen l~smbo,
also :t new addmon 10 1 he de•
p:tnmem, was not so cmhus1-
as11c, "Wh,1 1he hell is wrong
wuh everyone?.. Rich ,,eek
could 1101 be reached lor com•
mcm, bu1 a p1c1urc hangmg m
1hc IA/POLS faculiy orricc
shows him wnncd nnd sm1l•
mg m 3 Victorrnn-cra frock :u
high lC:t somewhere in ,\Inca
There have been reports ol the
Polnical ~c,cnce dcp:mmcm
also mov, 11g t<>, gender-based
lorn1a1, bu1 scH-dcs1gna1ccJ
1rendseue1 Robert E151ngcr
was u1Mv:iilnblc for comml'nt
The IA tlcpanmcm oncl us
S)'mpos,um pro,msc w bm1k
new ground this ye;1r w11h 1hc
bold move awav frllm a well­
worn path ur'scholarslup
Wi1h luck, there w,11 be no
turning back,