Title
The Pioneer Log: Lewis & Clark College's Student-Run Newspaper
Description
Volume 58, Number 18 [The Petrified Log]
Subject
Lewis & Clark College Student Newspaper
Creator
Pioneer Log Staff
Date
1994-04-01
Format
pdf
Type
Newspaper
Rights
For questions about rights statements, or access to the original document please contact Lewis & Clark College Special Collections and Archives http://specialcollections.lclark.edu
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http://rightsstatements.org/vocab/InC/1.0/
Full Text
•
ly
n
le
ow
• •
m BY RJCH PIZDR
• • n a surpnsmg move,
senior and fonner
_....._ ... ._ P.onen Log sports
edt tor Eric Swindler has gone to
the new members of the ASLC
and ISLC coundb to warn them
of the Pioneer Log' sconspiracyof
Sllence in regards to both boards.
.., just couJdn't live with the
guilt any more," Swindler com
mented.
ln support of Ius conten
tions, Swindler presented a
lengthy list of instances in wruch
the Log sta.H "intentionally re
fused to print articles or ads
supplied to them In good faith
by ASLC " Specifica.Uy, Swin
dler referred to two adver-tise
mentsand one article which the
staff supposedly neglected to
BY DANIEl. DRA.zAN
his past week one of
our own campus
"-""--""'"' safety officers was
featured on the hit television
series COPS. Smce last week
end was the date most students
were returning tocampus ,lt was
antiopated by the COPS staff
and ourCampusSafctyDepart
mcnt that there would be enough
alcohoiVIolabonsandrnarijuan.a
confiscations to warrant the fiJm
mg of Officer Jason Softsbck's
shift
Officer Softstick was nomi
nated by Otrector of Campus
Safety Pill Curtain due to his
outstanding and impeccable
record with LC
'When the producers of
COPS called and pleaded to be
able to film our officers in ac
tion, it was a hands-down deci
sion to nominate Officer
Softstic.k to be our representa
tive,,. stated Curtain in a proud,
fatherly tone.
After accepting the nomi
nation, the producers of COPS
insisted on following officer
s run Wmter term of this year.
1'hey claim that there's no
organization, and that's true,'"
said Swandler "'But tt
takes more than sample and ISLC people look stup1d ..
Pwntrr Log editor-in-duel
April May Tree became irate Pionar l.Dg, nor have there ever
been,H said Tree. 1 don't know
about Cann.1n and Snich, but
the staff as a whole has
never intentionally
disorganJ.Zabon to 'ac
odentaUy' rrusplaceeD
ery single ~ory , ad or
photo ASLC and ISLC
prOVlde them."
Swindler also had
harsh words for the
ASLC reporters Snich
Pizor and Carman
Miranda. "It takes more than simple disorga
nization to 'accidentally' misplace
every single story, ad or photo
ASLC and ISLC provide them." done anything to slight
ASLC or make their
lives more difficult.•
1 don't know if
Swindler has some
connection with
ASLC,"' said Lee, "but
1 can understand why
"They chalk up all
their misinformation to
SJm-ple typogra-ptucal erors,"
said Swindler ... It's simply not
true. Those two do everything
in their power to make ASLC
Softstick on his routine duty pa
trol. At l 12 a.m. • on Monday
mom;ng. officer Sofbtick was
patroling out around the refll><:
tion pool when he happent.>d
upon three studenb sitting in a
circle. Thestudentsd1dn 't show
any sign of recognition at the
towering mass of authority pre
sented by the officer. Upon ron
fronting the lawn-dwellers , a
series of glazed looks, accomp.J
nied by some slurred profanity ,
emerged from their ci.rcle. At
th1s prompting officer Bostic
knew that it was time to put an
end to thl.?ir mischief. When the
dust settled and all was~id .1nd
done, there w~re three hippaes
in custody and lOpoundsot pot,
3 sht'\!ts of I.SDi 4 cigarettes , and
a hackey S<Jck had been confls·
cated. It was noted that this was
the large::.t coUege drug raid on
COPS during this television sea
son and officer Softstick was
duly rewardl"<i with an all-ex
penses-paid trip to Europe he'd want to make us -Eric Swindler took bad. There was
upon hearing of Swindler's ac-
cusations .
"There are no such activi
ties being practiced witlun the
• some bad water under
the bridge when he left
the staff."'
Miranda. having been sent
home-because she got lost in the
red tape at the Financial Aid
1n office, could not be reached for
comment.
'"He's trying to make a play
for his own power,"' said Pi.zor.
"'Now that the Sports people arc
taking over the entire school (sec
page1Jheknowshedoesn'thave
anything to wony about. He's
just trying to get in good with
the new ASLC board by making
up malicious lies about us.'"
"'What do I have to gain by
coming forward?'" Swindler
asked. ""The PiDn«T Log is the
most powerful publication on
this campus. not a group you
want to get on your bad side.
But I couldn't in all conscience
SJt quietly by and watch anot.heT
administration get slammed by
a paper with an ax to grind ...
Due to his unyielding mod
e;ty. officer Softstick was only
cer SoftatJcll In aD hl• glofY, u •••n •••t week on ftlltlonal televiaJon. Continued on 3
~--------------------------------------------------------· • • 1tor1a
Pioneer Lug Aboli .. hed!
Sncaja1oen '5 \1oice Nan1ed Official
Can1pus Paper
We, the staff members ot thl' Pion "r Lo • ure outrng'-'\1! In
a f"e\.~nl dcas.aon mad· by theOttireofOtmpu-: Ute and ASLC, tht
Piona..,. z..o ... h.ls b...""\?n offi ially abolishe-d trom th" campus. In , n
eff rt tocurbtb increa5ingron rvntn~opaniC'nsthatare ·howmg
up around campus, the Pion~r Log ha~ bt~n replaced by wh,tt is
d ~mro a '"rons1derabl,; more h~"J"al" papt"r, Sac' Voice. While we
at tk Log respect Stu's Voiu nght to a fn"""e press, we trel th1s lat~t
ctmn ism dm:.•ct vtolationot our first arrendment nghts. With thb
being our la t paper. we fclt it nt,.,:·essary to pose thl' truth about
the Lcwts &: Oark campus. Within the;c pages ·ou ""tll find stones
that we M\'e been "itholdang from thecampusrommunal) . Whtll'
all arc very Important issues, w1~ have retrained from publishmg
thcminth J"1SlOUlOI respect to theU>llcgc •srcputation Howe\·cr,
\\•Jth this l.ltest action against the Log, it wa nl'C .sary tor us to do
ourjoumahsticdutyand let thelruthbe told. Whtlcwcarenll upset
that our '-an"'er tS O\'er as aspsnng journalists at Lewtc;& Clark, we
t.md finn ~hmd ourvi~wpointsand c: pc<:t to t'ind moreprorrusing
jobs wasung for us at Lhe NatioMI R.roirw, where upstanding.
intelligent ;oumnlists like our.;elvcs are n~'JX" t('(i. Read thc!>C
p.1ges carefully. This may be the last n..-a I new~ you C\"Cr get at Lcwb
& Oark.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Welrome to Spring tcnn! As ·ou can tell, the Pioneer Log
has \A-en laboringfurious1yo,·cr Spring Break to bring you this ever
_ funny April Fool's Issue. Wt? have gotten off to a fun start th1~
tennand plan to kAl'ep up the enthusiasm. We wilJ bnngyou up to
dateanformationonmanycampu-.issucsmtheweekstocomc.}ust
a few of the tssue:son the honzon include an inv\; tigati vc report on
campus hou ing, how wcll LC prepares sts students tor careers ~ a
look ot the Gender Studies Symposium. and a dctatled vit?w of the
lat ·t Wlth theMasterPlan .Jnaddition wcWJll rontinuco ur"Meet
An Administrator" feature, along wath ASLC Analy~s and
num"rou opanion column
In order to make 1t caster for th .. colleg~ community to
rouu lllutc (\)me norlt.'\!'r Log, we now han:? a new t."-mall account
\\'NCh ~-n be a~~ by entering "piolog." Also, you Cln drop
;my opmson aroclesor Jettcrs to the editor m our new 'Submiss1oru.
told~ r on the College'-. computer server. In addibon, Pio Log staff
mcm.bers can be reached at x7146 on Monday and Wt~nesda y
C\'enmgs .
Our generaJ interest mechng will be held on Monday,
Apnl 4 at~ ~.m. m the Gallagher House. We encourage anyon\?'
wJth an optruon, an urge to wntc, or with ideas about how the Log
can .~ unproved to come to the meeting. We ha\'C many staff
pos111ons open and can alwa.ys use new tdeas and fresh voices.
EDITORIAL POUCY
Vtews exptessed 10lenors to the odnor and forum artades are I he
vtO of AprtJ M. Lee and her brigade of amtofeminazas. Only theconservatrve
VI wpoan1 is welcome in these pagos; if you're a Oamocrot, a leltJSI or a
h~e. drop dead lf you hB\Ie a p.oblem wath the way we run things don't
wnte us a lett~r, oome down here and become pan of the soiU1ion.
~~~N1NG: Cntcal evaluahon are alwa~ welcome, but whiners w11l be
April Fool
Bullshtt Edttllt'·
Siskcl
plaYed by
izz..1 Mng -
Jod: "Jhlk-
Sodalire
Polarotds by.
JM~~~~jj UM.>Ci Car~lf!s-
Coff('(! BdiJor ..
Staff~urgeou-
Wrf~ What writt'I'S? :Apnl M l.t.'C
Rkh lVA.'T
MAtt Shennan
Dart Drnzan
Enc J. ScltindJ(>f
C~KMkal
Ry.tn Lee
D41vid Penadk
Kiley Duma.$
l.ah Berman
Seigto Stabio BUllETINS FLASHES IDEAS+ NEWS
• • •
EVIEW
Potlrf- Pw.
MM'hr Apnl4tlt
&xf.3?
Art
MlJI.Wr Apnltttlt
ill tit~ Art Dtpt.
Reed diRISTIAN Fellowsf..tlp
PResENTS . "' _INE ...
CHARIAS
APRil STH, 7:00PM.
'lS All-£1SM DEAD?. IS COD AUVE?'
Vollum ledunt Hall
APRJL61H, 7:00PM.
•CETT'tC TO TRUTH WHO IS JE.SL5 A1'V WHY OOES rT MATTER?'
Vollum lecture Hall
APRIL 71li, 8:00 PM.
'MANS SEARCH FOR TRliJH"
Commons
Reed College Campus
FRfE ADMISSION • Admin1
IIY DAN ORAv.N '
-ASLCdccid~.>d ul
to i nst'i tu tc a d ress ct
fall term J9Q4 lt is ~
~sthcla~bng lcgac~
membe'n) of ASLC
It was dooded tl
to mcrc.1se pcare a11
oncampusand with
general, all vbual
non-radical thougl
purged from our ~
In ord~r to accon
wonderous feat th1
dress code ha-. beel1
BY APRJI. M. l~E
German invcsl
atcd a deal with ll
Truste<.>s last week
Lewis andOnrk Co
price of $15,620 l8
· price of tuition.
"ll was a win-,
both parties, .. said~
chaarman of thl!
l"t.--5. "Now we can
, to our clatm of bc1
mtemational of th
leges."
The switch-o'
will take place ear
term with the Ccr
ing many changes
pus
Of the most ~i
the investors dccis
the drinkmg age
throwing out theca ASL (.dl.'Clded unammously
10 mst1tutc ad~ code ~tarting
fall term 1994. It i!! bcmg nHiled
as the Ja~tmg h.~acy of uv~ new
members of ASLC
It wc~s dcc.tded that in order
to increase peace and hannony
on campus and With the Earth an
general, all va-.ual symbol" of
non-radical thought must be
purgl'<i fTom our belov(-d Ht11.
In order to uccompli h thas
"onderou5 feat the following
1 dr 'code h.1s been ~t:
BY APRil. M. LFF.
German investor ncgoti·
atcd a deal w1th the Board of
Trustees last week to purchase
Lewis andOurk Cotl~e tor the
prtce or $15, o20.48, th~ current
price of tuJhon.
"It was a win-wm deal tor
both p:trtll .. ~," said RobCnmplin ,
chatrman of the Board of Trust
ees ... Now we can truly hve up
to our datm of bcmg the most
mtemarional oi the private col
leges.'"
The switch-<~vcr of owners
will Lake place early in Spring
term, with the Germans bring
ing many changes to the cam·
pus
Of the most sigruficancc is
the mvestor; dedSlon to lower
the drinkmg .:tge to 16, thus
throwing out the campus's a leo--Scalp h!Jir must not ex·
pose the shouJder blades.
-k-g hair for women is
mandantory . optional for guys.
-No less th11n 3 camng.
(your cho1ce of location) and 2
nose nn~ are to be worn.
-Underarm scent glands
an! not to be oppressed for any
reason whatsoever .
-Facial hair is not to be
restnctcd or altered in any way;
no blec!ching_ ladu .. -s!
-'The following clothing
wdl be 1~ued to all :,tudl.!nts: l
hoi policy. To better .tcromcxiate
th1s new nse 10 consumeTS, the
Rusty Nail wJIJ change hands,
bccQminga German pub, fondly
called Dcrrustig Hammcrbcll.
The synphonic wmd en
semble wdl be rcpl.1ced by an
oompah b.lnd. while the ch01r
w1ll only be allowt.>d to smg
.. Deutschland, Deutschland,
Ul>cralles '' Wcmcr ""hintzcls
wtll replace corndogs m the
Bone, and Heinetkcn will be the
beverage of the day, every d.1y.
While many ot these
changes seem drastic, the new
owners are confident that LC
students wtll adapt to them
qutckJy.
"We were told that LC stu·
dents will be too apc1thetic to
no tire the difference anyway,
saJd Hans Sch laf~ t.
D9'--~
0 t • 0
{ ... • -:7' •
-
t
,,
..... pair well-worn Birks, 2 paars
1967 bell bottoms, 2 Grateful
De-adT hirts,<md I hemp-down
winter coat.
"It seemed <1 linle extreme
ut first, but Jfter ASLC vcleran
O.ln Estes cxplamed the ben·
efits of such a dr<.-ss <."'de I came
around to thetr way of think
mg." Sta\1~ current ASLC ~resi ·
dent Gordon Luvagne. HWith
the nse ol commumty at LC
gomg to hell m a handbaskct,
the council dcctdcd to take dras
tic actton to repair the damage
done by the r<."Cent infiltratton of
numcrousconscrvativeminded
students," commented l..avagne.
It appears that Lhi'! Office of Campus Ufc 1s ulso fully back
ing thcncwl y proposed and rati
fieddresscode . Thcyareph~ ~
to announC\! that all admmtstra·
tors, RD'sand RA's will becom·
plymg wtth the dress code too.
"It has ~n qu1h: a whrlc
~nee I' vP. (it mto my tlower<hild
outfit, but we all know how t.u
out of our way we at the Office
ofCampusLi("arcwilhng togo
{or the good of the students,"
gtgglcdCandi Bo.1tenullerupon
lcammgof thedL'CtSton to apply
the new dress code.
"Hc11 two," cxcla1mcd
Mtchacl Ford, '1f th1s move on
thcpartofASLCdocsn 't increa
the scn._c;c of oommunsty, I don't know what will -but I have
been an .. --estigahng the option of
n.:quinng aU undcrgmduiJIC ,
grnduJtc and law students to
hve on campus for the durahtm
ot then education at LC!H
The new dress code ts c-~ •
pc>cted to be a new maJOr scllang
point for LC. '1The lad &n
acndcmw of mtcmanonal rep
resentation is expected to be
bowled over by another purely
cosmetic educat1onal trend; that
of achievmg a sense of commu
mty at all COStS," uttered Pres•·
dent Mooncywh•lcstrok:mg h1s
chmanastateofawe. tthcsubtlc
gcnious of th1s ~w parad1gm
shift m oolleg~ate cduc:atton
LC Officer National Television Hero
Continued from pat!e 1 to take a poSition on the far SJdc
able to le.we the horne audi-of the room to capture a bctt~?r
encc wlth this bit of adVIce, .. IC picture of the upoommg bust
you bas turds thank you c•m pull \\'hen the crew had set up, of
thJsshltmmyJunsdictionyou'd Iacer Sohsuck beg n to
better thmk twtce-punks!" nonchalantly glade across the
The next call ·was d1s-room unttl hew, s \O.'Ithm reach
p<Hched at 3:27 a.m. Monday oft he young perpetrator. Upon
mommg. Officer Softsbck was confrontmg the suspect lhe beer
sent to mvestigatc a reported wasthrownand thesusp..--ctfled
alcohol vtolationmCopeland 's on foot out the back door of the
Rusty Nail. When the officer Nail. AsofficcrSoftstick chased
amved on the ~ne he wit· and tackled thcsubjxt a~ urfle
nessed nothing out of the ordi· ensued, but after his short jog
n.1ry at first, but upon a clo~r the LC student hadn't the
scan of the crowd the gleam of strength to do more than beg for
light reflecting off of a beer mercy. Upon bemg appre·
bottle caught his eye. He or-hended the student had some
dercd the COPS camera crew cral advice for others who ~~~~~~~~~
0
,
• -~ .. •
J - ~ J ~ 0 • --?" • t
--" --..r---.. ~ •
-<l '
j -" =./' -........ - _, _ ..... J .:··=~-may follow m hrs footsteps,
''Uhhh huh huh don't mess
WJth thts cop dude, uhhh h"
must be some kind of supercop
or somethtng huh huh!'"
The only comment fromof
ficerSoftsttck was, '1l you mess
Wllh the bull, you're gomg to
get the horns -punk!" as he
placed h.isfingersbyhistemples
and growled fcrociousl) '·
To wind down the show,
lhcstaffforCOPS asked offirer
Bostic to say a few words obout
why he wanted to become a
secunty officer. After a sly
chuckle as he wallu."'<i off ot h.is
shift officer Softstick's only re
t was, -Bu the book! .. PACE 41 FliDA Y Auu 1, 1994
In .an ctfort 10 both am pro' e
her arrugc and work off part of
thcS(X} hou~ of communi tv ~r--VIC'C 3!)!'-tgncd to her, Ton a
Harding \\ill be ma}.jng an ap
pearance ot Lcwi & Oark a
part of Otto Sack day.
A spoke:.•-pcrson for the L&C
Green Tm~ the campus orga
mz.ation spans ring the cv~t ,
stated that Hardang ~~ mterested
onl • in cii:'Uring her name and
has promt~ not to at1ack any
one on campus.
'"'£ ven though she adnutted
guilt, w~ .stiJI think she's inno
cent,• the spo~~person saJd. ,Yc think ~he wa~ th '\'1Ctim ot
,'l 'm ar campaagn and onl ' ad
mit1i."d to gualt OC"L~usc ot all th~o•
mcd i a PI'\.'SS\H\.' ...
Even m thl• lac-e of all these
rcas...;unng words, howc,·er,
Campus .. · fcty as planning to
tncre-1~ the number oJ otficers
on campu-. tor the duration of
Harding's pi"CSCnce here
'"1 don't care how many
proma she malo;L~ or how
man· forms he ~•gns ,"' said
Campus Sa(cty Supervisor
Sl\OOZle Gunter. "'She's a con·
\'tCt< • .cJ criminal and I don't want
her runnang lose on this cam·
pus."' Anonymou.; members oi
SH'-\R<. have also volunt\."l'rcd
thetr -.crvaces to clrnpus Satcty
a' scrunty offk-crs.
Director of Cnmpu ... Safety
Pill Curtain said that he wasn't
worried.
"Tanya Harding 1 just o
poor, misunderstood rebel from
the backyard of nowhere," srud
Curtain "'But if the~ IS a pro~
Jcm~ w·e'll be ready for 1t. W ··re
institutmg a nt.>w yst~m ol ol
llccr deployment whach w1ll
·h.a, e do"'" on rt.>Spon.sc bml'
whale maximizing C.tmpus
Satety visibility ...
An anonymous member of C.1mpu-. Safety was overheard
to say, '111 get my hundson her,
I'll \.;ick her lcxphcattve de
leted).•
NWc'rercally more worrit.•d
.1bout th\:' $JtCty ot the adminis·
trators/' ~id Curtain. HBut
we've got extra guards m tront
of key offioc'S and there will be a
24rhour ban on clubs, tire-irons ,
and anv other automotive de-• vio...">S which can be utilized as
oiK'Ilsivc weaponry ...
Nancy Kerrigan could not
be rl.\'lChcd for rommcnt ; our
Disncylond rorrcspondcnt mys-
teriously had hi~ knee dubbed
on his wc1y to interview her.
Missing Mooney Merely Misplaced
BY LEAH BERMAN
President Michelle ""I
Wanna Be Li'ke Mike"' Mooney
disJ ppe.ued bnefly Ovet' spnng
break. He was discovered last
Thursday when the janitorial
staff perfonned their annual
spring cleaning ritual in the
Manor Hou Sources 'pecu
late that Mooney simply had
been sv.·ept under the rug.
.... needed to get hlm to sign
n ~-mo for the Vice-President of the Boord of Tru-.tecs," said
Marta Gngori, the College Sec
retary. •Jt was \'\!ry urgent. I
looked all over the Manor
House, and there was no 'ign of
him. I wa.s very confused ~ sinre
I had left him only minutes bl"
fore to get a cup of coffee."'
Gngori immedtately called
the Info Des as.king for an/or
mation on Moone ,•s wht!re
abou ts. Needless to say, she was
unsuc<:~cssful. She then tele
phoned Pill Curtain, the direc-tor of campus salt!ty. H~ hadn't
seen Mooney for a week, but he
called Snoozie Gunter, the cam·
pu.., safety supervisor . Gunter
~1d lhat she had seen Mooney
earlier in the day and that ht!
had said he was sleeping an the
Manor Hou5e that night.
"'I wastrantic," said Grigori.
1'he memo had to have htc: sig
nature on it_, and 1 sprained my
wrist la~t Friday, so I couldn't
forge his signature.H
Eventually, Gngori a:-;ked Phone Bumheart to perform the
forgery. She then mailed the
~moand forgot about Mooney.
Janitorial stuff found
Mooney huddled in the maddle
of Armstrong Lounge, covered
byoneoftheomaterugs . Physa
cal Pl.lnt Head Niche Potato ~ug
gested that the President had
bt,'('omc disoncnted . Whale tn
Ann.-.trong lounge, Mooney had
somehow been swept under the
rug. Mooney'soff1ce dechned lo
comment on the debacle Michael Mooney and Elvis
were reported to h..l ve ca ten
lun('h together in the Trail
Room Monday, March 28.
"I was pcrsoning the
checkstand in the bookstore
and I happened to glance over
into theTrc1il Room. The~ th~
both were, :,itting at a table by
the window," said Tim Beau,
' Bookstore MaMger
When .1skcd to comment ,
Elvis st.Hed, ''Personally. I
don't bchevc Mooney E."Xists ·
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••• ••••••• •••••••••••••• ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• . . . .,.._..:;.
: HEr A~t. You Moi>ERN Music F ANSI : : • • • • • • • • • • • •
• • • • • • • • • • • • •
• • • • • • • BE ON THE tOOKOtJT FOR
THE Hor NEw RELEASE FROM • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
~2 ·•~~~!·R·~s~~ : •
,N~2Yl ,I:Mi)r
AVNLNJtE Now AT FINER REcoRD
570I/E5
EV£'RYWHERE I • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• •
Aprn l
7--lO p.m. m the rranroom • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • ARE You AT A Loss?
Call the Answer Line and all your problems will be solved .
(Soi"l)'t but we don't know the number) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
• • • •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• A rrporterforOmni
~ .. ,.ruly interui~nt'J M
i'IWI'JU Bt l ikt Mike,. ~
tion to lht,r Ctlrrtnl
•ro siglllings, land1
..,ilatiort.'> His cunosil
~IL h,t Editor Rich PiJ
1t tht Manor Hou~ l
11uz Mooney stavtrl o'
ttrrJOstdly workmg lal
\11ows is his account oftlt
I'd been sitting on
1pptng my Snap1 s
('n
Dil
he
~
y
u,
:'It,
I ,
•• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • a nor
A rt.7J<.Jrll'r for Omni rrwgaz11u:
'fnlly inurvkwrd Michcllt .,,
,lllTI'""" Be l 1h· Mike" Moont:y in • tion to thrir wrrcnt expose on
.... ,.... srghting:;, landings and
~<rwtions . His curiosity piqur.d,
sh1l Editor Rich Nzor staud
tht. Manor Hou..~ om~ night
Mooney sJayt.)J on rumpus,
worbng l11tt. What
tmn.os 15 his acaJu n t of tJruvr..·m ng.
I'd been .;itting on the 1.1wn,
pu'g my Snapplc und
• aVID ouse
redhzmg thnt thl' Comp;"lrcthv••
Polihcs p<.tpcr I h:Jdn'l tnrtcd
yet still wa~n't gl'tting donP, IM
• boutthr\:r.hours.l'djustabout
given up hope wh••n I suddenly
notio .. '<i th tt things had gotten a
lot bnghtt•r.
I looked up .md S<Jw
something truly mcn.'diblc. Jt
just hung lhlTC in tht.• air, silent
.... a cloud, in c.>..x.JC::tly the wuy
that il brick dat.>sn't. From my
distance it might just as well • a ver zens
hlwc bct.rn ,, Fri~o;bc ·,but It g. ve
01 f a lumtncsc,•ncl• unlike
,mythmg I'd ever seen bctorc,
far too mtcnsc for somcthmg tts
IZ •
I sat there for a moment,
truly a west ruck, .1nd then
W<ttch~ with fi!S<'lnation as the
swirling d1Sk movoo dose to
the window of Mooney's office.
Th •rc was a brief flash of even
hnghtcr light that sccmt>d to
com .. from the disk •tsclf, th n
• r1 the crJ(t Zipped b.Jd up mlo the
sky and disappeared .
Moving with J sort of
humcd slown·~. I stcalthtly
made my w. y across th" Llwn
,Jnd began C)Uil'tly, CXpPrtly
sculing the wall so that I rould
get ;1 better look .nto Moon•"y's
office.
What I saw terrified me.
The beloved Presadent of
our colk-ge was gone. lnst~Md, l
was greeted by a grotesque, nu:»hd pen dopplcgangcrsittmg
at Mooney's desk, pr um.1bly
bcamcddownfromtheUFO . Jn
thr• process of getting ptetur~ ,
however, I lost my t "'nuous gnp
on th .. butld tng and fell on the
lawn, knoCking ~If out.
When I came too I was
laytng on my back, my notebook
missing ond my camera
shattc:red. Miraculou lv, th » • film, my memoncsand my body
were nil more or less inU.tct. Of
course, no one's ~ Mooney
U'ICC that foltcful mght. ••
... then he. saw the. alien ver.fion of Mooney .
on cou
' •
It's never too late to
join the KLC team .
We are looking for a few good people
to work at our beloved station. We
need Disc Jockeys and people to help
in our various departments. KLaCk,
promotions , ne\vs, music and
productions all need your l1elp. Co1ne
by the KLC office weekdays 10AM-
4PM for more inforn1ation. eduora-GR.FC ~AkAL • E.liC I, SCHJNOLER
• lCS
LC athletics to be the jocal point of tlze college ·which u,£11 be called LC Institute of Spot t
b · LUC l '"'~NL.l.E\
In a l.1ndmarl. ded!\aon
~pearhcudcd b ' tacull) pres·
urc, Presid~nt Michael Moon'-')
has ordN-<.>d the dismantling of
Lcw1s & Oar acad~tc ~''
tor.
~dentMooncvcalll'd the # , . move ... just a matter ot tmnSJ-
hon for the college that IS JU'-ti
fied and ncccssarv ...
1ooncy cued the need for
mcroascd t ~son athletics since
studcnt-athlctcsaregraduatmg
at too hagh of a rate.
tudent-athlctes at LC are
graduauong at a rate of more
than QS pcm."'rlt which is JUSt l
low .. Mooney said.
'\'e fret that U1c heavy bur
den of academm IS truly inhibu
mg the profess1onal progress of
our athletes ... Mooney added
The fnculty pressured the
admmastrauon to make lhtsdc
dgon based .-.:>lely on the fact
thatlessthanoncperccnlol LC::.
~tudent-athlctcshavcjoined the
protcssional ranks.
"'We think that it is · shame
that our athletes focu.-. so much
t'ne'J'&YOnacadcmics whenthey
could be rep~nting us on the
field or on the court,"' com
mented Glenn Meyer, professor
of p5ychoo\ogy .
lewis & Oark will expand
its athletics program by addmg
polo, tee curling, ~c:s , ice
hockey. figure skating and
hadcy sack to its already exJst
mg sports ..
Professors will bea>nle the
coaches of the new sports and at
has beat rumored that Tanya
Harding has been contacted by
LC Vice President . Evan Will
iams for the figure skating job.
"'1 can't comment on that
because Tanya told me not to,"'
said Williams.
Mooney said that each buJlding on th~ C'Jmpus will be
tuml"J mto a "f~)rls facility.
Farly blueprint-. <:how the
library as an n:~· arcnJ ~\ith the
bottom two tloors conc;tsting of
12 hotel room , ,j lu ury e:.:
l"CUtl\'e 'uitcs, three restau
rants, and two bars
The top lloor w11l contaan a
2,()(X)S('at arena with tulllockcr
rooms and n."'Stroom fncilittes
''11\'e think that it is
a slrante that our
athletes focus so
11n1c1z energy on aca
den1ics, when tlzey
could be represeut
ingus on tlze field or
on tlze court.''
Templeton CollcgeC~tcr's
lower lc\·el will be turned into a
gymn<l"'tics romplc whtle Olin
will be converted into an i<."C
curling arena withanadditional
nnk for the hockey team.
The Albany Quadrangle
and the surroundmg butldings
will be clc.l.J"ed for two polo
grounds wtuch w1ll conlam
arena seanng for over 8..000spEC-'
tators.
Evans musac bwldmg will
be renovated into a complete
indoor complex for hacky sack,.
with enough room for 1,500
spectators.
The fundmg for the project
has come from Robert B.
Pamphn, Jr. who has donated
over $3 biUion for the proJCd.
""lbe money rould not go to
a more deserving institution , or
a more deservmg athletic popu
lation,'" sa1d Pamplin.
Here il is sporls fans. lhe
s~·imsu il issue lhal you
have been JemanJing.
See your alhleles in Lite
flesh. anJ love lhem. •
Lewls & Clark President, Michael Mooney, announces plans to change the college's name,
landscape, focus, and Mure wl1h Bob Pamplin Jr. as his right hand man.
Pres1dent Mooney also an
nounced a name chaf'\ge for the
college, its second in the last
decade.
*From now on, this es~
teemed roUege wtll be known
as Lewis & Oark Institute of
Sport and all w1ll hke 1t,'"
Mooney scud.
Mooney sa.Jd that he hopes
to increase the producbon of
professaonaJ athletes by at least
20 pecent this next year Wlth
hopes that number will jump to
50 percent in the next five years
E.van Williams estimates that enrollment wm drop sig
nificantly but that the prospect
ofbetterathletesoutweighsany
negative connotations.
Construchon on the
grounds of LC is expected to
start dunng the final week of
spnngte m and the new college
name will be unplemented Im
mediately .
"'We'll bnng in the big trucks
some time this spring and we'll
startdigg1ngsometime later this
spring, said Bud jensen, the
Head Contractor at Corny Con
tractors The new sports teams will
start play next year and will be
having team meetmgs later m
the spring tenn.
Students wishing to ask
questions about tTansferring out
of the new college should d•rect
their queshons and concer us to
the office of A pnl Lee, editor of
the Pioneer Log ne,
rill
be
in
•
• • f IDAYAPR1l1 ,t994 PAC£7
---• • ••• • • • • •
• • • • •• • • • • • •••• ••• • • • • • • • • . . ...... . .. .. . . ... . .
• • •• • • • • •• • • • • • • • • • • •
onllay, ril 4th, 6 p.m.
Gallagher House ••
• • • •
• • • • • • • • •
ly
n
le
ow
• •
m BY RJCH PIZDR
• • n a surpnsmg move,
senior and fonner
_....._ ... ._ P.onen Log sports
edt tor Eric Swindler has gone to
the new members of the ASLC
and ISLC coundb to warn them
of the Pioneer Log' sconspiracyof
Sllence in regards to both boards.
.., just couJdn't live with the
guilt any more," Swindler com
mented.
ln support of Ius conten
tions, Swindler presented a
lengthy list of instances in wruch
the Log sta.H "intentionally re
fused to print articles or ads
supplied to them In good faith
by ASLC " Specifica.Uy, Swin
dler referred to two adver-tise
mentsand one article which the
staff supposedly neglected to
BY DANIEl. DRA.zAN
his past week one of
our own campus
"-""--""'"' safety officers was
featured on the hit television
series COPS. Smce last week
end was the date most students
were returning tocampus ,lt was
antiopated by the COPS staff
and ourCampusSafctyDepart
mcnt that there would be enough
alcohoiVIolabonsandrnarijuan.a
confiscations to warrant the fiJm
mg of Officer Jason Softsbck's
shift
Officer Softstick was nomi
nated by Otrector of Campus
Safety Pill Curtain due to his
outstanding and impeccable
record with LC
'When the producers of
COPS called and pleaded to be
able to film our officers in ac
tion, it was a hands-down deci
sion to nominate Officer
Softstic.k to be our representa
tive,,. stated Curtain in a proud,
fatherly tone.
After accepting the nomi
nation, the producers of COPS
insisted on following officer
s run Wmter term of this year.
1'hey claim that there's no
organization, and that's true,'"
said Swandler "'But tt
takes more than sample and ISLC people look stup1d ..
Pwntrr Log editor-in-duel
April May Tree became irate Pionar l.Dg, nor have there ever
been,H said Tree. 1 don't know
about Cann.1n and Snich, but
the staff as a whole has
never intentionally
disorganJ.Zabon to 'ac
odentaUy' rrusplaceeD
ery single ~ory , ad or
photo ASLC and ISLC
prOVlde them."
Swindler also had
harsh words for the
ASLC reporters Snich
Pizor and Carman
Miranda. "It takes more than simple disorga
nization to 'accidentally' misplace
every single story, ad or photo
ASLC and ISLC provide them." done anything to slight
ASLC or make their
lives more difficult.•
1 don't know if
Swindler has some
connection with
ASLC,"' said Lee, "but
1 can understand why
"They chalk up all
their misinformation to
SJm-ple typogra-ptucal erors,"
said Swindler ... It's simply not
true. Those two do everything
in their power to make ASLC
Softstick on his routine duty pa
trol. At l 12 a.m. • on Monday
mom;ng. officer Sofbtick was
patroling out around the refll><:
tion pool when he happent.>d
upon three studenb sitting in a
circle. Thestudentsd1dn 't show
any sign of recognition at the
towering mass of authority pre
sented by the officer. Upon ron
fronting the lawn-dwellers , a
series of glazed looks, accomp.J
nied by some slurred profanity ,
emerged from their ci.rcle. At
th1s prompting officer Bostic
knew that it was time to put an
end to thl.?ir mischief. When the
dust settled and all was~id .1nd
done, there w~re three hippaes
in custody and lOpoundsot pot,
3 sht'\!ts of I.SDi 4 cigarettes , and
a hackey S<Jck had been confls·
cated. It was noted that this was
the large::.t coUege drug raid on
COPS during this television sea
son and officer Softstick was
duly rewardl"<i with an all-ex
penses-paid trip to Europe he'd want to make us -Eric Swindler took bad. There was
upon hearing of Swindler's ac-
cusations .
"There are no such activi
ties being practiced witlun the
• some bad water under
the bridge when he left
the staff."'
Miranda. having been sent
home-because she got lost in the
red tape at the Financial Aid
1n office, could not be reached for
comment.
'"He's trying to make a play
for his own power,"' said Pi.zor.
"'Now that the Sports people arc
taking over the entire school (sec
page1Jheknowshedoesn'thave
anything to wony about. He's
just trying to get in good with
the new ASLC board by making
up malicious lies about us.'"
"'What do I have to gain by
coming forward?'" Swindler
asked. ""The PiDn«T Log is the
most powerful publication on
this campus. not a group you
want to get on your bad side.
But I couldn't in all conscience
SJt quietly by and watch anot.heT
administration get slammed by
a paper with an ax to grind ...
Due to his unyielding mod
e;ty. officer Softstick was only
cer SoftatJcll In aD hl• glofY, u •••n •••t week on ftlltlonal televiaJon. Continued on 3
~--------------------------------------------------------· • • 1tor1a
Pioneer Lug Aboli .. hed!
Sncaja1oen '5 \1oice Nan1ed Official
Can1pus Paper
We, the staff members ot thl' Pion "r Lo • ure outrng'-'\1! In
a f"e\.~nl dcas.aon mad· by theOttireofOtmpu-: Ute and ASLC, tht
Piona..,. z..o ... h.ls b...""\?n offi ially abolishe-d trom th" campus. In , n
eff rt tocurbtb increa5ingron rvntn~opaniC'nsthatare ·howmg
up around campus, the Pion~r Log ha~ bt~n replaced by wh,tt is
d ~mro a '"rons1derabl,; more h~"J"al" papt"r, Sac' Voice. While we
at tk Log respect Stu's Voiu nght to a fn"""e press, we trel th1s lat~t
ctmn ism dm:.•ct vtolationot our first arrendment nghts. With thb
being our la t paper. we fclt it nt,.,:·essary to pose thl' truth about
the Lcwts &: Oark campus. Within the;c pages ·ou ""tll find stones
that we M\'e been "itholdang from thecampusrommunal) . Whtll'
all arc very Important issues, w1~ have retrained from publishmg
thcminth J"1SlOUlOI respect to theU>llcgc •srcputation Howe\·cr,
\\•Jth this l.ltest action against the Log, it wa nl'C .sary tor us to do
ourjoumahsticdutyand let thelruthbe told. Whtlcwcarenll upset
that our '-an"'er tS O\'er as aspsnng journalists at Lewtc;& Clark, we
t.md finn ~hmd ourvi~wpointsand c: pc<:t to t'ind moreprorrusing
jobs wasung for us at Lhe NatioMI R.roirw, where upstanding.
intelligent ;oumnlists like our.;elvcs are n~'JX" t('(i. Read thc!>C
p.1ges carefully. This may be the last n..-a I new~ you C\"Cr get at Lcwb
& Oark.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Welrome to Spring tcnn! As ·ou can tell, the Pioneer Log
has \A-en laboringfurious1yo,·cr Spring Break to bring you this ever
_ funny April Fool's Issue. Wt? have gotten off to a fun start th1~
tennand plan to kAl'ep up the enthusiasm. We wilJ bnngyou up to
dateanformationonmanycampu-.issucsmtheweekstocomc.}ust
a few of the tssue:son the honzon include an inv\; tigati vc report on
campus hou ing, how wcll LC prepares sts students tor careers ~ a
look ot the Gender Studies Symposium. and a dctatled vit?w of the
lat ·t Wlth theMasterPlan .Jnaddition wcWJll rontinuco ur"Meet
An Administrator" feature, along wath ASLC Analy~s and
num"rou opanion column
In order to make 1t caster for th .. colleg~ community to
rouu lllutc (\)me norlt.'\!'r Log, we now han:? a new t."-mall account
\\'NCh ~-n be a~~ by entering "piolog." Also, you Cln drop
;my opmson aroclesor Jettcrs to the editor m our new 'Submiss1oru.
told~ r on the College'-. computer server. In addibon, Pio Log staff
mcm.bers can be reached at x7146 on Monday and Wt~nesda y
C\'enmgs .
Our generaJ interest mechng will be held on Monday,
Apnl 4 at~ ~.m. m the Gallagher House. We encourage anyon\?'
wJth an optruon, an urge to wntc, or with ideas about how the Log
can .~ unproved to come to the meeting. We ha\'C many staff
pos111ons open and can alwa.ys use new tdeas and fresh voices.
EDITORIAL POUCY
Vtews exptessed 10lenors to the odnor and forum artades are I he
vtO of AprtJ M. Lee and her brigade of amtofeminazas. Only theconservatrve
VI wpoan1 is welcome in these pagos; if you're a Oamocrot, a leltJSI or a
h~e. drop dead lf you hB\Ie a p.oblem wath the way we run things don't
wnte us a lett~r, oome down here and become pan of the soiU1ion.
~~~N1NG: Cntcal evaluahon are alwa~ welcome, but whiners w11l be
April Fool
Bullshtt Edttllt'·
Siskcl
plaYed by
izz..1 Mng -
Jod: "Jhlk-
Sodalire
Polarotds by.
JM~~~~jj UM.>Ci Car~lf!s-
Coff('(! BdiJor ..
Staff~urgeou-
Wrf~ What writt'I'S? :Apnl M l.t.'C
Rkh lVA.'T
MAtt Shennan
Dart Drnzan
Enc J. ScltindJ(>f
C~KMkal
Ry.tn Lee
D41vid Penadk
Kiley Duma.$
l.ah Berman
Seigto Stabio BUllETINS FLASHES IDEAS+ NEWS
• • •
EVIEW
Potlrf- Pw.
MM'hr Apnl4tlt
&xf.3?
Art
MlJI.Wr Apnltttlt
ill tit~ Art Dtpt.
Reed diRISTIAN Fellowsf..tlp
PResENTS . "' _INE ...
CHARIAS
APRil STH, 7:00PM.
'lS All-£1SM DEAD?. IS COD AUVE?'
Vollum ledunt Hall
APRJL61H, 7:00PM.
•CETT'tC TO TRUTH WHO IS JE.SL5 A1'V WHY OOES rT MATTER?'
Vollum lecture Hall
APRIL 71li, 8:00 PM.
'MANS SEARCH FOR TRliJH"
Commons
Reed College Campus
FRfE ADMISSION • Admin1
IIY DAN ORAv.N '
-ASLCdccid~.>d ul
to i nst'i tu tc a d ress ct
fall term J9Q4 lt is ~
~sthcla~bng lcgac~
membe'n) of ASLC
It was dooded tl
to mcrc.1se pcare a11
oncampusand with
general, all vbual
non-radical thougl
purged from our ~
In ord~r to accon
wonderous feat th1
dress code ha-. beel1
BY APRJI. M. l~E
German invcsl
atcd a deal with ll
Truste<.>s last week
Lewis andOnrk Co
price of $15,620 l8
· price of tuition.
"ll was a win-,
both parties, .. said~
chaarman of thl!
l"t.--5. "Now we can
, to our clatm of bc1
mtemational of th
leges."
The switch-o'
will take place ear
term with the Ccr
ing many changes
pus
Of the most ~i
the investors dccis
the drinkmg age
throwing out theca ASL (.dl.'Clded unammously
10 mst1tutc ad~ code ~tarting
fall term 1994. It i!! bcmg nHiled
as the Ja~tmg h.~acy of uv~ new
members of ASLC
It wc~s dcc.tded that in order
to increase peace and hannony
on campus and With the Earth an
general, all va-.ual symbol" of
non-radical thought must be
purgl'<i fTom our belov(-d Ht11.
In order to uccompli h thas
"onderou5 feat the following
1 dr 'code h.1s been ~t:
BY APRil. M. LFF.
German investor ncgoti·
atcd a deal w1th the Board of
Trustees last week to purchase
Lewis andOurk Cotl~e tor the
prtce or $15, o20.48, th~ current
price of tuJhon.
"It was a win-wm deal tor
both p:trtll .. ~," said RobCnmplin ,
chatrman of the Board of Trust
ees ... Now we can truly hve up
to our datm of bcmg the most
mtemarional oi the private col
leges.'"
The switch-<~vcr of owners
will Lake place early in Spring
term, with the Germans bring
ing many changes to the cam·
pus
Of the most sigruficancc is
the mvestor; dedSlon to lower
the drinkmg .:tge to 16, thus
throwing out the campus's a leo--Scalp h!Jir must not ex·
pose the shouJder blades.
-k-g hair for women is
mandantory . optional for guys.
-No less th11n 3 camng.
(your cho1ce of location) and 2
nose nn~ are to be worn.
-Underarm scent glands
an! not to be oppressed for any
reason whatsoever .
-Facial hair is not to be
restnctcd or altered in any way;
no blec!ching_ ladu .. -s!
-'The following clothing
wdl be 1~ued to all :,tudl.!nts: l
hoi policy. To better .tcromcxiate
th1s new nse 10 consumeTS, the
Rusty Nail wJIJ change hands,
bccQminga German pub, fondly
called Dcrrustig Hammcrbcll.
The synphonic wmd en
semble wdl be rcpl.1ced by an
oompah b.lnd. while the ch01r
w1ll only be allowt.>d to smg
.. Deutschland, Deutschland,
Ul>cralles '' Wcmcr ""hintzcls
wtll replace corndogs m the
Bone, and Heinetkcn will be the
beverage of the day, every d.1y.
While many ot these
changes seem drastic, the new
owners are confident that LC
students wtll adapt to them
qutckJy.
"We were told that LC stu·
dents will be too apc1thetic to
no tire the difference anyway,
saJd Hans Sch laf~ t.
D9'--~
0 t • 0
{ ... • -:7' •
-
t
,,
..... pair well-worn Birks, 2 paars
1967 bell bottoms, 2 Grateful
De-adT hirts,<md I hemp-down
winter coat.
"It seemed <1 linle extreme
ut first, but Jfter ASLC vcleran
O.ln Estes cxplamed the ben·
efits of such a dr<.-ss <."'de I came
around to thetr way of think
mg." Sta\1~ current ASLC ~resi ·
dent Gordon Luvagne. HWith
the nse ol commumty at LC
gomg to hell m a handbaskct,
the council dcctdcd to take dras
tic actton to repair the damage
done by the r<."Cent infiltratton of
numcrousconscrvativeminded
students," commented l..avagne.
It appears that Lhi'! Office of Campus Ufc 1s ulso fully back
ing thcncwl y proposed and rati
fieddresscode . Thcyareph~ ~
to announC\! that all admmtstra·
tors, RD'sand RA's will becom·
plymg wtth the dress code too.
"It has ~n qu1h: a whrlc
~nee I' vP. (it mto my tlower<hild
outfit, but we all know how t.u
out of our way we at the Office
ofCampusLi("arcwilhng togo
{or the good of the students,"
gtgglcdCandi Bo.1tenullerupon
lcammgof thedL'CtSton to apply
the new dress code.
"Hc11 two," cxcla1mcd
Mtchacl Ford, '1f th1s move on
thcpartofASLCdocsn 't increa
the scn._c;c of oommunsty, I don't know what will -but I have
been an .. --estigahng the option of
n.:quinng aU undcrgmduiJIC ,
grnduJtc and law students to
hve on campus for the durahtm
ot then education at LC!H
The new dress code ts c-~ •
pc>cted to be a new maJOr scllang
point for LC. '1The lad &n
acndcmw of mtcmanonal rep
resentation is expected to be
bowled over by another purely
cosmetic educat1onal trend; that
of achievmg a sense of commu
mty at all COStS," uttered Pres•·
dent Mooncywh•lcstrok:mg h1s
chmanastateofawe. tthcsubtlc
gcnious of th1s ~w parad1gm
shift m oolleg~ate cduc:atton
LC Officer National Television Hero
Continued from pat!e 1 to take a poSition on the far SJdc
able to le.we the horne audi-of the room to capture a bctt~?r
encc wlth this bit of adVIce, .. IC picture of the upoommg bust
you bas turds thank you c•m pull \\'hen the crew had set up, of
thJsshltmmyJunsdictionyou'd Iacer Sohsuck beg n to
better thmk twtce-punks!" nonchalantly glade across the
The next call ·was d1s-room unttl hew, s \O.'Ithm reach
p<Hched at 3:27 a.m. Monday oft he young perpetrator. Upon
mommg. Officer Softsbck was confrontmg the suspect lhe beer
sent to mvestigatc a reported wasthrownand thesusp..--ctfled
alcohol vtolationmCopeland 's on foot out the back door of the
Rusty Nail. When the officer Nail. AsofficcrSoftstick chased
amved on the ~ne he wit· and tackled thcsubjxt a~ urfle
nessed nothing out of the ordi· ensued, but after his short jog
n.1ry at first, but upon a clo~r the LC student hadn't the
scan of the crowd the gleam of strength to do more than beg for
light reflecting off of a beer mercy. Upon bemg appre·
bottle caught his eye. He or-hended the student had some
dercd the COPS camera crew cral advice for others who ~~~~~~~~~
0
,
• -~ .. •
J - ~ J ~ 0 • --?" • t
--" --..r---.. ~ •
-<l '
j -" =./' -........ - _, _ ..... J .:··=~-may follow m hrs footsteps,
''Uhhh huh huh don't mess
WJth thts cop dude, uhhh h"
must be some kind of supercop
or somethtng huh huh!'"
The only comment fromof
ficerSoftsttck was, '1l you mess
Wllh the bull, you're gomg to
get the horns -punk!" as he
placed h.isfingersbyhistemples
and growled fcrociousl) '·
To wind down the show,
lhcstaffforCOPS asked offirer
Bostic to say a few words obout
why he wanted to become a
secunty officer. After a sly
chuckle as he wallu."'<i off ot h.is
shift officer Softstick's only re
t was, -Bu the book! .. PACE 41 FliDA Y Auu 1, 1994
In .an ctfort 10 both am pro' e
her arrugc and work off part of
thcS(X} hou~ of communi tv ~r--VIC'C 3!)!'-tgncd to her, Ton a
Harding \\ill be ma}.jng an ap
pearance ot Lcwi & Oark a
part of Otto Sack day.
A spoke:.•-pcrson for the L&C
Green Tm~ the campus orga
mz.ation spans ring the cv~t ,
stated that Hardang ~~ mterested
onl • in cii:'Uring her name and
has promt~ not to at1ack any
one on campus.
'"'£ ven though she adnutted
guilt, w~ .stiJI think she's inno
cent,• the spo~~person saJd. ,Yc think ~he wa~ th '\'1Ctim ot
,'l 'm ar campaagn and onl ' ad
mit1i."d to gualt OC"L~usc ot all th~o•
mcd i a PI'\.'SS\H\.' ...
Even m thl• lac-e of all these
rcas...;unng words, howc,·er,
Campus .. · fcty as planning to
tncre-1~ the number oJ otficers
on campu-. tor the duration of
Harding's pi"CSCnce here
'"1 don't care how many
proma she malo;L~ or how
man· forms he ~•gns ,"' said
Campus Sa(cty Supervisor
Sl\OOZle Gunter. "'She's a con·
\'tCt< • .cJ criminal and I don't want
her runnang lose on this cam·
pus."' Anonymou.; members oi
SH'-\R<. have also volunt\."l'rcd
thetr -.crvaces to clrnpus Satcty
a' scrunty offk-crs.
Director of Cnmpu ... Safety
Pill Curtain said that he wasn't
worried.
"Tanya Harding 1 just o
poor, misunderstood rebel from
the backyard of nowhere," srud
Curtain "'But if the~ IS a pro~
Jcm~ w·e'll be ready for 1t. W ··re
institutmg a nt.>w yst~m ol ol
llccr deployment whach w1ll
·h.a, e do"'" on rt.>Spon.sc bml'
whale maximizing C.tmpus
Satety visibility ...
An anonymous member of C.1mpu-. Safety was overheard
to say, '111 get my hundson her,
I'll \.;ick her lcxphcattve de
leted).•
NWc'rercally more worrit.•d
.1bout th\:' $JtCty ot the adminis·
trators/' ~id Curtain. HBut
we've got extra guards m tront
of key offioc'S and there will be a
24rhour ban on clubs, tire-irons ,
and anv other automotive de-• vio...">S which can be utilized as
oiK'Ilsivc weaponry ...
Nancy Kerrigan could not
be rl.\'lChcd for rommcnt ; our
Disncylond rorrcspondcnt mys-
teriously had hi~ knee dubbed
on his wc1y to interview her.
Missing Mooney Merely Misplaced
BY LEAH BERMAN
President Michelle ""I
Wanna Be Li'ke Mike"' Mooney
disJ ppe.ued bnefly Ovet' spnng
break. He was discovered last
Thursday when the janitorial
staff perfonned their annual
spring cleaning ritual in the
Manor Hou Sources 'pecu
late that Mooney simply had
been sv.·ept under the rug.
.... needed to get hlm to sign
n ~-mo for the Vice-President of the Boord of Tru-.tecs," said
Marta Gngori, the College Sec
retary. •Jt was \'\!ry urgent. I
looked all over the Manor
House, and there was no 'ign of
him. I wa.s very confused ~ sinre
I had left him only minutes bl"
fore to get a cup of coffee."'
Gngori immedtately called
the Info Des as.king for an/or
mation on Moone ,•s wht!re
abou ts. Needless to say, she was
unsuc<:~cssful. She then tele
phoned Pill Curtain, the direc-tor of campus salt!ty. H~ hadn't
seen Mooney for a week, but he
called Snoozie Gunter, the cam·
pu.., safety supervisor . Gunter
~1d lhat she had seen Mooney
earlier in the day and that ht!
had said he was sleeping an the
Manor Hou5e that night.
"'I wastrantic," said Grigori.
1'he memo had to have htc: sig
nature on it_, and 1 sprained my
wrist la~t Friday, so I couldn't
forge his signature.H
Eventually, Gngori a:-;ked Phone Bumheart to perform the
forgery. She then mailed the
~moand forgot about Mooney.
Janitorial stuff found
Mooney huddled in the maddle
of Armstrong Lounge, covered
byoneoftheomaterugs . Physa
cal Pl.lnt Head Niche Potato ~ug
gested that the President had
bt,'('omc disoncnted . Whale tn
Ann.-.trong lounge, Mooney had
somehow been swept under the
rug. Mooney'soff1ce dechned lo
comment on the debacle Michael Mooney and Elvis
were reported to h..l ve ca ten
lun('h together in the Trail
Room Monday, March 28.
"I was pcrsoning the
checkstand in the bookstore
and I happened to glance over
into theTrc1il Room. The~ th~
both were, :,itting at a table by
the window," said Tim Beau,
' Bookstore MaMger
When .1skcd to comment ,
Elvis st.Hed, ''Personally. I
don't bchevc Mooney E."Xists ·
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••• ••••••• •••••••••••••• ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• . . . .,.._..:;.
: HEr A~t. You Moi>ERN Music F ANSI : : • • • • • • • • • • • •
• • • • • • • • • • • • •
• • • • • • • BE ON THE tOOKOtJT FOR
THE Hor NEw RELEASE FROM • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
~2 ·•~~~!·R·~s~~ : •
,N~2Yl ,I:Mi)r
AVNLNJtE Now AT FINER REcoRD
570I/E5
EV£'RYWHERE I • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• •
Aprn l
7--lO p.m. m the rranroom • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • ARE You AT A Loss?
Call the Answer Line and all your problems will be solved .
(Soi"l)'t but we don't know the number) • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
• • • •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• A rrporterforOmni
~ .. ,.ruly interui~nt'J M
i'IWI'JU Bt l ikt Mike,. ~
tion to lht,r Ctlrrtnl
•ro siglllings, land1
..,ilatiort.'> His cunosil
~IL h,t Editor Rich PiJ
1t tht Manor Hou~ l
11uz Mooney stavtrl o'
ttrrJOstdly workmg lal
\11ows is his account oftlt
I'd been sitting on
1pptng my Snap1 s
('n
Dil
he
~
y
u,
:'It,
I ,
•• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • a nor
A rt.7J<.Jrll'r for Omni rrwgaz11u:
'fnlly inurvkwrd Michcllt .,,
,lllTI'""" Be l 1h· Mike" Moont:y in • tion to thrir wrrcnt expose on
.... ,.... srghting:;, landings and
~<rwtions . His curiosity piqur.d,
sh1l Editor Rich Nzor staud
tht. Manor Hou..~ om~ night
Mooney sJayt.)J on rumpus,
worbng l11tt. What
tmn.os 15 his acaJu n t of tJruvr..·m ng.
I'd been .;itting on the 1.1wn,
pu'g my Snapplc und
• aVID ouse
redhzmg thnt thl' Comp;"lrcthv••
Polihcs p<.tpcr I h:Jdn'l tnrtcd
yet still wa~n't gl'tting donP, IM
• boutthr\:r.hours.l'djustabout
given up hope wh••n I suddenly
notio .. '<i th tt things had gotten a
lot bnghtt•r.
I looked up .md S<Jw
something truly mcn.'diblc. Jt
just hung lhlTC in tht.• air, silent
.... a cloud, in c.>..x.JC::tly the wuy
that il brick dat.>sn't. From my
distance it might just as well • a ver zens
hlwc bct.rn ,, Fri~o;bc ·,but It g. ve
01 f a lumtncsc,•ncl• unlike
,mythmg I'd ever seen bctorc,
far too mtcnsc for somcthmg tts
IZ •
I sat there for a moment,
truly a west ruck, .1nd then
W<ttch~ with fi!S<'lnation as the
swirling d1Sk movoo dose to
the window of Mooney's office.
Th •rc was a brief flash of even
hnghtcr light that sccmt>d to
com .. from the disk •tsclf, th n
• r1 the crJ(t Zipped b.Jd up mlo the
sky and disappeared .
Moving with J sort of
humcd slown·~. I stcalthtly
made my w. y across th" Llwn
,Jnd began C)Uil'tly, CXpPrtly
sculing the wall so that I rould
get ;1 better look .nto Moon•"y's
office.
What I saw terrified me.
The beloved Presadent of
our colk-ge was gone. lnst~Md, l
was greeted by a grotesque, nu:»hd pen dopplcgangcrsittmg
at Mooney's desk, pr um.1bly
bcamcddownfromtheUFO . Jn
thr• process of getting ptetur~ ,
however, I lost my t "'nuous gnp
on th .. butld tng and fell on the
lawn, knoCking ~If out.
When I came too I was
laytng on my back, my notebook
missing ond my camera
shattc:red. Miraculou lv, th » • film, my memoncsand my body
were nil more or less inU.tct. Of
course, no one's ~ Mooney
U'ICC that foltcful mght. ••
... then he. saw the. alien ver.fion of Mooney .
on cou
' •
It's never too late to
join the KLC team .
We are looking for a few good people
to work at our beloved station. We
need Disc Jockeys and people to help
in our various departments. KLaCk,
promotions , ne\vs, music and
productions all need your l1elp. Co1ne
by the KLC office weekdays 10AM-
4PM for more inforn1ation. eduora-GR.FC ~AkAL • E.liC I, SCHJNOLER
• lCS
LC athletics to be the jocal point of tlze college ·which u,£11 be called LC Institute of Spot t
b · LUC l '"'~NL.l.E\
In a l.1ndmarl. ded!\aon
~pearhcudcd b ' tacull) pres·
urc, Presid~nt Michael Moon'-')
has ordN-<.>d the dismantling of
Lcw1s & Oar acad~tc ~''
tor.
~dentMooncvcalll'd the # , . move ... just a matter ot tmnSJ-
hon for the college that IS JU'-ti
fied and ncccssarv ...
1ooncy cued the need for
mcroascd t ~son athletics since
studcnt-athlctcsaregraduatmg
at too hagh of a rate.
tudent-athlctes at LC are
graduauong at a rate of more
than QS pcm."'rlt which is JUSt l
low .. Mooney said.
'\'e fret that U1c heavy bur
den of academm IS truly inhibu
mg the profess1onal progress of
our athletes ... Mooney added
The fnculty pressured the
admmastrauon to make lhtsdc
dgon based .-.:>lely on the fact
thatlessthanoncperccnlol LC::.
~tudent-athlctcshavcjoined the
protcssional ranks.
"'We think that it is · shame
that our athletes focu.-. so much
t'ne'J'&YOnacadcmics whenthey
could be rep~nting us on the
field or on the court,"' com
mented Glenn Meyer, professor
of p5ychoo\ogy .
lewis & Oark will expand
its athletics program by addmg
polo, tee curling, ~c:s , ice
hockey. figure skating and
hadcy sack to its already exJst
mg sports ..
Professors will bea>nle the
coaches of the new sports and at
has beat rumored that Tanya
Harding has been contacted by
LC Vice President . Evan Will
iams for the figure skating job.
"'1 can't comment on that
because Tanya told me not to,"'
said Williams.
Mooney said that each buJlding on th~ C'Jmpus will be
tuml"J mto a "f~)rls facility.
Farly blueprint-. <:how the
library as an n:~· arcnJ ~\ith the
bottom two tloors conc;tsting of
12 hotel room , ,j lu ury e:.:
l"CUtl\'e 'uitcs, three restau
rants, and two bars
The top lloor w11l contaan a
2,()(X)S('at arena with tulllockcr
rooms and n."'Stroom fncilittes
''11\'e think that it is
a slrante that our
athletes focus so
11n1c1z energy on aca
den1ics, when tlzey
could be represeut
ingus on tlze field or
on tlze court.''
Templeton CollcgeC~tcr's
lower lc\·el will be turned into a
gymn<l"'tics romplc whtle Olin
will be converted into an i<."C
curling arena withanadditional
nnk for the hockey team.
The Albany Quadrangle
and the surroundmg butldings
will be clc.l.J"ed for two polo
grounds wtuch w1ll conlam
arena seanng for over 8..000spEC-'
tators.
Evans musac bwldmg will
be renovated into a complete
indoor complex for hacky sack,.
with enough room for 1,500
spectators.
The fundmg for the project
has come from Robert B.
Pamphn, Jr. who has donated
over $3 biUion for the proJCd.
""lbe money rould not go to
a more deserving institution , or
a more deservmg athletic popu
lation,'" sa1d Pamplin.
Here il is sporls fans. lhe
s~·imsu il issue lhal you
have been JemanJing.
See your alhleles in Lite
flesh. anJ love lhem. •
Lewls & Clark President, Michael Mooney, announces plans to change the college's name,
landscape, focus, and Mure wl1h Bob Pamplin Jr. as his right hand man.
Pres1dent Mooney also an
nounced a name chaf'\ge for the
college, its second in the last
decade.
*From now on, this es~
teemed roUege wtll be known
as Lewis & Oark Institute of
Sport and all w1ll hke 1t,'"
Mooney scud.
Mooney sa.Jd that he hopes
to increase the producbon of
professaonaJ athletes by at least
20 pecent this next year Wlth
hopes that number will jump to
50 percent in the next five years
E.van Williams estimates that enrollment wm drop sig
nificantly but that the prospect
ofbetterathletesoutweighsany
negative connotations.
Construchon on the
grounds of LC is expected to
start dunng the final week of
spnngte m and the new college
name will be unplemented Im
mediately .
"'We'll bnng in the big trucks
some time this spring and we'll
startdigg1ngsometime later this
spring, said Bud jensen, the
Head Contractor at Corny Con
tractors The new sports teams will
start play next year and will be
having team meetmgs later m
the spring tenn.
Students wishing to ask
questions about tTansferring out
of the new college should d•rect
their queshons and concer us to
the office of A pnl Lee, editor of
the Pioneer Log ne,
rill
be
in
•
• • f IDAYAPR1l1 ,t994 PAC£7
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onllay, ril 4th, 6 p.m.
Gallagher House ••
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